Happy! (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Arlo and Marie

1 Previously on "Happy!" - Why are you here? - That night, something happened to me.
Miss Hanson, you're with child.
I know what you need.
Between you and me, Mr.
Shine, the man is a few peas short of a casserole.
Let's go ahead and kill the idiot.
This is not gonna end well for you.
- Don't cause a scene, Sax.
- No.
Think of all the children, especially yours.
I'm just happy that you're finally hearing the truth.
- It's about time someone final - What's that supposed to mean? Your father lied to your mother and then ran out on her.
And then your mother lied to your father about you and then to you about your father.
From the lady.
Here comes the fun.
Are you ready? Do you know what bugs crave? Darkness.
The shadows.
- Amanda? - Nick.
There's something living in your mind, Blue.
Orcus, God of Death.
With Isabella dead, you will have no escape.
So let me get this right you want me to kill you? If if I die, he dies.
What the hell? I love you.
Heaven! Oh Don't you smite me! I had no choice.
You know, men have cowed before me with no fight at all.
Men have offered me their wives.
Men have offered me the eyes of their most-loved child.
But you, you went out on your own terms, didn't you? Well done, Scaramucci.
Well done.
So you're not gonna torture me for all of eternity? No, no, I've got to get back upstairs, you know? But we're dead.
Oh, Blue, you silly man.
Your plan didn't actually work.
No, you see, our body survived the fall.
But Okay, this is where it gets a little complicated, but, basically, only one of us could survive.
With it, one of us had to die.
The Easter Bunny comes The Easter Bunny goes Hiding little eggs where they won't show Honey, you're home.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
That smell Welcome home, boo.
We've been waiting for you.
Amanda? Nick.
What the fuck are you doing here? - It is you.
- Yeah.
I could tell.
I could taste you in the air like a fire burning in winter.
- Okay.
- Dance with me, Nick.
Uh, I'd rather not.
Um Remember the first time we danced together? No.
Hey, we got to get out of here.
Our bodies just fit.
Heroin? Coke? PCP? Life and love.
What did Sonny Shine do to you? It's good for the baby.
Uh okay, enough.
Get the fuck off me.
Say that one more time.
I'm pregnant.
- Who's the father? - I don't know! - Five, four, three - Is it safe to come out yet? That was quick.
Consider it a compliment.
Happy New Year! Well, well, well, Nick Sax.
The stork is bringing us a beautiful, bouncing special something.
This is a blessed moment for all of us.
For mostly me.
Hey, get out of the fucking way.
Keep him away from the baby.
Give me that! One move and you'll be picking preemie out of your teeth for a month.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, but I would because if Nix Sax is anything, he's 100% pro-choice.
That's right.
Hate to be leaving so soon, but you know what they say: Don't throw an orgy if you're not willing to get fucked.
Last night was everything to me.
Yowzers! I don't wake up looking like a doll, Happy.
Guess I have a lot to learn about women.
But at least I have a great teacher.
How's about we start with some hotcakes? You know, carb up for another round.
Oh, got to get to the pasture.
Those retard sheep will wander off a cliff if I'm not there.
Well, you're not supposed to say that.
You already got laid.
Knock off the "aw, shucks" routine.
This thing keeps those furry fucks in line.
- Can I see you tonight or tomorrow? - Mm - Maybe this weekend? - Well What does your Memorial Day look like? You're as green as a frog with chlamydia, aren't you? Well, it's just last night was so special.
It was fine.
You're a sweet kid, Happy.
I'll give you a call.
It's so white in here.
Yeah, white.
What the fuck? What about the baby? What are you doing? Give me that.
Son of a bitch.
Now, look, I'm gonna go upstairs.
You stay put, okay? Look at that.
Oh it's like a harp.
I know, I play it all the time.
Have fun.
I'll be right back down.
A little privacy.
Where the hell have you been? Hey, pal, you're the one who gave me the slip outside that dingbat detective's bathroom.
What, you're smoking now? I'm a man.
I can do what I want.
What did you just say? That's right.
I met a lady friend last night.
Shared some drinks, shared some laughs.
Then well, I don't want to kiss and tell.
Did you get a little stank on the hang-down? We made love, Nick.
It was tender.
We wept.
Well, I did.
Well, whoop-dee-fucking-do for you.
While you were out fornicating with what I hope is another imaginary friend and not a mouse or a pineapple or something, I had a psychotropic breakdown, went to an orgy, uh, found out Smoothie's alive, working for Sonny Shine, and kidnapped a Wishee.
Spoiler alert they're monsters.
Now, I would love to sit here and gab about your sex life all day long like a horny old lady on cable TV, but did I mention I got Amanda downstairs, wacked out of her fucking skull and pregnant.
See you down there.
What are you doing? Having a daydream.
That this was our home together.
Nick and Amanda.
Arlo and Marie.
Oh, yeah, Arlo and Marie I forgot about that.
For a long time, I could only remember the bad things about you the drinking, the drugs, the affair.
Thought I had enough anger to last a lifetime, but I'm looking at you right now, and I can't find it anywhere inside me.
I forgive you.
You're high as Gibraltar.
That doesn't mean I don't mean it.
It kind of does.
Do you care? Well, if you put Um, okay Okay, shh.
All right, down.
Wow, tugging there.
- Look, I mean it - Mom? Uh oh, hey, Hailey! You made it! It's Hailey.
Uh, how the hell are you? W-what's going on? Huh? Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Why aren't you at, uh, uh, Grandma's? - She fell asleep.
- I'm so glad you're here.
I missed you so much.
Hey, hey, let's not mention the pregnancy.
- Our little secret.
- Yeah.
Guess who's gonna be a big sister? I'm gonna be what? Is it yours? Huh? Oh, we're still, uh, working out those details.
I know I've let you down a lot lately, and I'm so sorry.
You probably thought I was losing my mind.
But now that I know that it's the hormones, I can deal with it, and we can be a happy family all of us.
Do you want to come help me in the kitchen? Assunta Bianchi.
You were the last person to visit Blue.
You killed his sister.
Blue, Sonny Shine, and Disco Mikey I know it's all tied up together.
I just can't figure out how.
I wonder can I tell you? This skeptic woman? I wonder if you think Assunta is crazy.
After everything I have seen in the last 48 hours, there is nothing you could tell me that would sound crazy.
Down through the ages, idols have risen up from humble beginnings to inspire us.
These were the targets of Orcus, the God of Death.
Each was visited at their moment of greatest need by his lemures strange, shapeless creatures from the underworld born to do the bidding of Orcus.
Fucking Wishees.
Idols have risen up, and just when their light seems to shine the brightest Each Was Taken away.
And now it's happening again.
A new idol has risen to bring joy to the world.
Sonny Shine! And on Easter Day, the pattern will repeat.
The idol will be struck down tragically in the eyes of millions.
The God of Death is gonna kill Sonny Shine on national TV.
By killing Sonny, he kills hope scars a whole generation and feeds off their pain.
Well, I guess it's a good thing Blue's still locked up in a high-security prison.
Oh, boy.
About that Half decaf, half black, with an extra shot, and a red velvet banana cake pop por favor.
God damn it.
Where the fuck is everybody? Help! Help! Humperdonk! Humperdonk! Flobbert! Baballoon, Baballoon! You know, if I wanted you dead, I'd have already made you bugger yourself with that poker.
Why are you talking like Elton John? Oh, sorry.
Mister Bug, please! Don't hurt me, mister! Is that better? Much, yeah.
Blue is dead, Louis.
- You're Blue.
- No, no, no.
I am Orcus and I am so very excited to finally make your acquaintance.
Champagne? We've got a new, bouncing bundle of joy on the way, don't we? But the mother-to-be, she's run off.
How did you know? Now, to show you that I come in peace I'm going to retrieve Ms.
Hanson for you.
That's impossible.
Her ex is a super soldier.
He must do Bar Method, like, every day.
Oh, dear.
Well There is strength in numbers.
And my friends here they really don't mind getting their hands dirty.
Where the hell you think you're going? - Out.
- Out where? - To look for Bo Peep.
- The hell you are.
You're gonna be here, and we're gonna have a family lunch like normal people.
- You're not the boss of me.
- I'm the What if I don't want to be a part of this family? You don't get to pick your family, Hap.
Somehow Hailey had you invented you It doesn't matter.
You're stuck here with us.
- And by the way - What? - Forget about it.
- What? Say it.
It's about Bo, isn't it? You wouldn't believe me if I told you, pal.
You're gonna sit there and pretend to have lunch with this family.
Fine, but I'm gonna listen to my Beats.
Turn down that Oh, God.
Ta-da! Oh.
Looks like a pile of puke! And, uh what is that you call this tasty dish? Orange juice risotto.
- Glad you like it, Arlo.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do you keep calling him Arlo? Didn't I ever tell you about the time I lost my wedding ring? You never talked about Dad.
Well, your dad took me to eat crabs by the Jersey Shore, and I banged my finger with one of those mallets, so I had to take my wedding ring off so I could run it under cold water.
And I forgot my ring in the bathroom.
The restaurant they said that no one had found it, but I smelled a rat.
Your dad checked the log and found the woman who was cleaning the bathroom that day, then he scoured the pawnshops in her neighborhood until he found my wedding ring.
But I was too late, because the ring had already been sold to one Arlo Jeffers.
So I paid him an official police visit and told him that the property had been stolen and he should return it to its rightful owners.
And, uh, unfortunately he'd already had it engraved.
It read "Arlo plus Marie.
" "Love forever.
" I-I'm feeling a little flush from all that cooking.
I'm gonna go splash some water on my face.
Yeah, I thought so.
Look, your Mom and I will do the dishes.
Why don't you go upstairs and watch TV? - It's okay, I'll help you.
- No, no, no.
I-I insist.
I'll tell you what, today is "no chores for you" day.
In fact, once your mom and I are done, I-I'll take you for a malted.
I don't know what that is.
Well, then you're gonna find out.
Go follow her.
- Go and follow her.
- Oh, really? I don't get to listen to any more of your sappy stories? I'm gonna feed you to a Rottweiler.
- All better.
- Hey.
Where's Hailey? - Where is it? - What, Nick? Well, what do we have here? Give that back.
What the Christ! You got a lot of nerve taking my shit from me! You were a junkie for half our marriage! That's why I stopped loving you.
That's why I never wanted you around Hailey, 'cause you were a loser! Jesus Christ, it's like being married to Johnny Depp.
No! Get off me! I'm going back to Sonny.
He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
So you've seen his penis? Your mom's a little bit sick right now.
Um, not in her body, but, uh, in her head.
But probably soon in her body, too.
Uh, not serious.
Um, although it's very serious.
So we just need to treat her gently and show her tough love.
Got it? Ah, hell, let me just show you.
Hi, honey.
- She's fine.
- I'm fine.
So I need you to watch her for a sec while I take care of some business.
Think you can do that? - Uh-huh.
- Attagirl.
You look quite striking, Louis.
Penguin suits really aren't my thing, but I do, don't I? It's my wife's.
She played Joel Grey in the unauthorized "Cabaret" story.
I do think you're going to enjoy this opera.
Mephistopheles is trying to tempt Faust.
He offers to make the old scholar young again, but only in exchange for the old man's Stop.
Give it.
This is high art.
The highest.
But, no, you'd rather play what is it? "Critter Crush.
" I was about to enter the Centimorph Maze.
You are going to die one day.
That is the only certainty that you will ever have.
All humans are armed with this knowledge, but most of you just piss your time away playing video games, watching sports.
- Fame.
- Yes, what about it? I can give it you.
No, I'm I'm a pretty big deal already, Mucus.
Tomato, potato.
Your name can stand besides those of Kangaroo, Rogers the Wiggles Or it could stand amongst the greats Lincoln, Lenin, King.
Oh, now we're talking.
I like this guy way better than that other guy.
Well a great man like yourself deserves a better class of chum.
Don't you think? Please.
You sit on this spot, you do not move.
You see anyone coming, you get me.
You hear a strange noise a dog howling, a car door slamming you get me.
- Got it? - Got it.
Questions? - Just one.
- Go.
Why hasn't she called me? Damn it.
- Did she say she'd call? - Yeah! We we had an amazing night, but she had to get back to work early, so She told me she'd call and Um, hey, hey.
Come here, buddy.
Sit down.
Now, I know I'm gonna regret asking this.
How was it? How how was what? The lovemaking? Please stop saying that.
It was Earth-shattering.
It was mind-bending.
Who knew so much excitement, so much joy and emotion could be packed into one intense minute? One minute? Is that bad? It is the second-smallest measure of time on Earth.
Well, maybe there were a few snags.
My eye! I swear this has never happened before.
I had too much candy.
Ouch! I said watch the teeth! I-I can't help it.
I'm all teeth.
- That that's horrifying.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
Yeah, look, but, hey, it's happened to the best of us.
I don't care about the best of us.
- I care about Bo Peep! - Oh, God, stop, all right? All right, listen, you want my advice? Love-life advice from the guy whose wife is bound and gagged in our basement.
First of all, take it down a notch with the attitude.
Second of all, forget about Bo.
Get out there, find a fine piece of imaginary ass, and tap it, hard! I-I don't get it.
Hap, years from now, you'll be eating a bucket of fried chicken watching a terrible rom-com rented from your local Hollywood Video with your wife.
You'll excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and promptly stalk Bo on social media.
Now, with any luck, her boyfriend won't be wildly successful, handsome, hung like a mule.
The point is it'll all be water under the bridge soon enough, so in the meantime, why not put our heads down and focus on our work? What work? Looking out that window.
Sometimes I wish we could just go back to the way things used to be.
You know, before everything happened.
I wish that, too all the time.
We were good when it was just the two of us, weren't we? Our biggest problem was figuring out what movie to watch.
And then you'd put all your M&Ms in the popcorn, - and they'd get all gooey.
- You thought that was gross.
I miss it.
I want to do it all again.
Me too.
Maybe things can be that way again without anyone getting in our way.
- How? - Let's get out of here.
Just the two of us.
We'll move far away, and no one will ever bother us.
I just need you to untie me.
You're doing the right thing, baby.
You can trust me.
If you can't trust your parents, who can you trust? What is it? All you've done is lie to me.
Yeah, but I explained From the beginning, before all this.
You never told me about Dad.
Well, that was for your own good.
Hailey Louise Hanson, you get over here right now and get these off me.
This is for your own good.
Dad says so.
Oh, your wonderful dad who abandoned us penniless and alone? Who doesn't care about us? Who's a drunk, an addict, a killer? I sacrificed everything for you, and this is how you thank me? Hailey.
Go upstairs.
- Let me go! - No.
Upstairs, now.
Go on.
You can't keep me down here tied up like a dog.
No? What? What are you gonna do? Run back to Sonny Shine? Go get high with the man who kidnapped your own daughter? Sonny Shine kidnapped me? Answer.
Did Sonny Shine kidnap me? Tell her, Nick.
Why isn't he in jail? Sometimes bad guys don't get caught.
Why didn't you tell me? I thought I was doing what was best for you.
Oh, you know what's best for me? You don't know anything about me.
- Nick? - Shut up! Not you, not you, him.
I hate you both.
- Hailey.
- Great work, Daddy.
- No wonder she hates you.
- Nick, Nick! What the fuck do you want, Happy? Hailey! Hailey! What the Happy! Hailey ran off! Follow her! Hailey! Later, sucker.
Ha ha Where am I? OMG.
Better than I could have ever dreamed.
Oh, my What have you done to me? Like a bunny.
Like a big, big bunny.
Oh, I love, love, love.
Oh the plans I have for you.
You're insane.
Who, me? Maybe.
Ah! Are you talking to me? Who's Orcus? Oh, you got a lot of nerve just just strutting in here like Travolta.
What what is that? That conjunctivitis? Someone been farting on your face? You know, should be you in here looking an orangutan.
All you had to do was just get rid of some kids.
Just one job.
But, no, you was out gallivanting.
Where? Why? How? What? I was told to come see you.
"Told"? Told by who? I don't really know.
Yeah, well, you seen me.
Now get lost.
Get lost.
Take a walk.
Fuck off.
Just a moment, please.
Please sit down.
I beg you.
You've met my friends.
They told me you were coming to see me.
They like you.
So do I.
I think that one or both of us might be having a schizophrenic episode.
We are about to embark on a long journey, you and I a journey that will affect the history of mankind and not for the better.
We're going to kill Sonny Shine.
How does that sound? Go on.
There, there, little lamb.
Come inside.
Oh, hell, no.
Nick, Nick! Nick? Nick? Nick.
Nick, you're alive! Where's Hailey? It's bad, Nick.
She's with the bunny-eye guy.
I guess this means we're off the wagon.
You're goddamn right.