Happy! (2017) s02e10 Episode Script


1 Happily on previous [REVERSED AUDIO.]
I wanna know about the big announcement that your show is being cancelled.
This is not an end! The show will go on! [VIDEO REWINDING.]
- Bingo! I really wish things were the way they used to be.
Yeah, I'm back.
Where's our fucking daughter? Penis.
BOTH: Put on a happy, happy, happy - [CHILDREN CHEERING.]
- Sonny! [HOLLERING.]
What do I know? Except exactly where Hailey is.
Here's daddy destruction.
You can never get back what was stolen from you, but you can make the world more correct.
- Later, sucker.
You want me to inject him? In the buttocks, please.
The world is not correct.
We both know this doesn't end until one of us is dead.
But there are much worse things than dead.
I'll have a blue Christmas Without you I'll be so blue Just thinking about you Buy you another? Your glory hole is somewhere else, pal.
I don't swallow.
I'm sorry, you're clearly not the Nick Sax that I've heard of, then.
- Blue Scaramu - I know who you are.
I just don't want what you're selling.
Wise not to trust anyone.
Oh, they set you up good, Sax.
Cops going cannibal on cops.
Ain't that a sorry state of internal affairs? One for my friend.
Double, please.
Tell my new friend I don't have any friends.
Just pour his into mine.
Oh you know what, give me a little glass of, um maraschino cherries.
"New York's Finest.
" Christ, look what they did to you.
You're like a lonely pube on the rim of a urinal.
Cast off, forgotten.
Clinging for dear life.
You know, you put those words to music, you could have yourself a hit there.
Now, as pertaining to my prior employment, they didn't do anything to me that I hadn't already earned twenty times over.
And now they're gonna plant blow? Good on them.
Fedore Pavlov, "The Dog Whisperer.
" Yeah, so, besides a double-digit body count, what did he do, steal your tricycle? That's one sour cherry.
Well, he's a slippery motherfucker.
We tried to put him away for years.
There's your mistake.
Man like this, one does not put him away.
One puts him in the ground.
And who better than Nick Sax to do so? You played by their rules long enough.
Now, look.
Look what it's gotten you.
Work for me.
Embrace your manifest destiny as judge, jury And executioner.
And maybe even have a little fun while you're at it.
- Nick! - Wake up, Nick! I'm okay, I'm I'm just a little [GRUNTS.]
- Real talk.
- Hmm? That's some good shit, Smoothie.
I wouldn't, if I were you.
I need him alive.
Not you.
- Let's go.
Ooh-ooh, Sonny Ooh, Sonny Shine [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
This way to your seat, Ms.
Hey, cool it with the rough stuff.
What kind What kind of evil Feels great.
A teeny bit tight, is all.
I guess the costume was made for a little guy.
Mm, don't worry about that.
- You've studied the script? - Yes, sir.
Me good, you evil.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- And then you kick my ass.
Then I kick your ass, correct.
Right, about that part.
We ain't really ever gone over that.
I make my entrance, you follow my lead.
I defeat you, I save Easter.
Where is the disconnect? Uh, the other part.
The part where I gotta, you know.
We've been over this a bazillion times.
I know, but shouldn't there be some kind of way we can fake it? The blood and guts and all? You know, like some kind of Hollywood magic? No.
You cornfed cornhole.
It has to be real.
That's what people want now.
But I ain't even skinned a possum before, Mr.
You said you would do anything to succeed.
Right? A and then the other part, where it says "the evil dies tonight," guess that means I ain't coming back.
That's the best part.
Yeah, Evil Bunny Evil Bunny makes a death-defying escape only to fight another day as Sonny Shine's very big, very bad, ultra-arch "villy.
" - A recurring role! - [GROWLS.]
Uh, give give me a second! Okay, get out.
Remember, this is our secret.
Our own J.
Abrams super plot twist.
I'd like you to meet a very special little girl.
Best seats in the house.
Oh, oh.
For a special occasion.
Oh, oh, oops! [LAUGHING.]
Maybe I'm getting a little too excited.
- Oh, you thirsty? - Yes.
Yes, thirsty.
Here we go.
Thirsty, thirsty, thirsty? No, no, no, oh.
Oh, no, you don't.
No, because the alcohol, it will dilute the drug running through your system and we can't have that.
Oops, oh.
Oh, boy.
Big bottle.
Look at you.
Every fiber of that adorable little face screaming for murder.
This is your new soloist, Hailey Hansen.
New soloist? What happened to Tatiana? She was deported back to Uzbekistan, but didn't you hear me? Hailey Hansen.
Survivor of the terrible mass kidnappings last Christmas.
I see.
Will you excuse us for a moment? Isn't she the kid of you-know-who? Mm.
You could look at it that way.
Or, she's a celebrity victim.
Put her on a pedestal.
Give her a magical moment.
People love a good resurrection story.
Does she know the words to the music? Oh, every octave.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Let's see.
Of all the little double-X chromosomes in all the land, why do you think you deserve to be onstage with me? If she's gonna freeze up now, she's gonna piss ice cubes on that stage.
It's okay, Hailey.
Now, you tell Sonny Shine why you're saving the real fireworks for the show tonight.
The big event.
Shine? I've dreamed of this moment since I was little.
Honestly, this has been the worst year of my entire life.
Christmas was ruined forever.
But you know who got me through it all? You.
I made one wish and it came true.
I'm with you, my hero.
Sonny Shine.
Any kid would kill to be where I am.
I want you to say all of that tonight on camera to the world.
Okay? Absolutely, Mr.
Paint my pickle.
Hailey Hansen.
Welcome aboard.
Coming to living rooms and home theaters of nearly 100 million sundrops around the world, broadcast in 147 different countries, in 25 languages, including six dialects of Arabic, the moment you've been waiting for all year, it's Sonny Shine's Easter Eggtacular! ALL: Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Are we making Easter great again? [ALL CHEERING.]
Sundrops! Sundrops - I love you all.
- I love you, Sonny! And why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? You know, I had planned a big bump and grind number for the opening of tonight's show.
Something strange and darkly sexy.
With my wonderful Wishees, of course.
But then I thought, this moment's not about me.
This moment is about you! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Your voice, not mine! Is there some special someone out there who will give me their voice? Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! My, my, my, yes! Is it you? No, it's not you.
Up there in the cheapies? No.
Absolutely not you.
You! Would you like to give me your voice, Hailey Hansen? [SILENCE.]
Yes! Come on up! Come on up! You've probably read about her on your phones.
Hailey was the little girl that was kidnapped last Christmas.
She survived unspeakable terrors.
Hailey! And maybe part of her died a little.
Can you blame her? Maybe you're starting to get it, but let me help you.
Inside that Easter basket is a 9-millimeter handgun.
She smuggled it into the show tonight.
- No.
- Yes.
But now she's back.
Limb by limb and tooth by tooth Tearing up inside of me Every day, every hour Wish that I Was bulletproof [SCREAMING.]
Hailey! I gotta find Nick, Amanda.
Nick will know what to do, he always does! Wax me I think you know what she's gonna do with that gun.
She's gonna use it for what guns are used for.
Like father, like daughter.
You have turned me into this Just wish that Don't you see, Sax? This is how I destroy you.
This is how I undo you.
Was bulletproof No, no, please.
Why not have a child? What's the worst thing that could happen? Winds up like me? Please.
Oh, the begging and the pleading.
- No.
- It's like music to my ears.
So pay me money and take a shot Lead fill the hole in me I could burst a million bubbles All surrogate And bulletproof And bulletproof - [LIGHTS CLICK.]
I warned you there would be no Easter fun this year.
No gaiety, no revelry.
No pastel, pagan Bacchanalia.
But you didn't listen! [CHILDREN SCREAMING.]
"Easter Strong," you said.
Well, we'll see! We'll see! Sonny, you moron, what the hell? - Nick! - [GROANS.]
- Happy.
- I found you.
Just like our first time.
What can I do, Nick? Sure could use a drink.
No, no, no.
Not that.
Nick, I've been thinking.
You can touch me.
No one else can.
- But why? - Uh I think I think it's because you believe in me.
- Fascinating.
- Uh-huh.
Now, believe in this.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Bottom's up, buddy.
Not so fast, you cotton-tailed terrorist! [GLASS SHATTERING.]
Over here, rodent! [CHUCKLING.]
Your hippity-hoppity reign of destruction ends tonight.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere, daddy.
I filled that syringe with a dosage that would paralyze a silverback gorilla, and then doubled it.
Should have tripled it.
That was close.
She's outside.
She's gonna meet us outside.
ALL: Sonny! Sonny! Whoo-hoo! [LAUGHS.]
ALL: Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! [CHOKING.]
I ugh.
- ALL: Sonny! Sonny! - No one gets out of here! [MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Come on, come on, come on! Let's get out of here now! [BONES CRUNCHING.]
Don't panic, everyone! I got this! No, no! Cut, cut, cut! [CHEERING.]
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
ALL: Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! [CHILDREN CHEERING.]
Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Hailey! Hailey, don't do it [GROANS.]
Stop! Hailey This is what Smoothie wants.
This is what he's wanted from the beginning.
I'm not doing this for him, Dad.
I'm doing it for me.
When Sonny gets blue Hey eyes get [GUNSHOT.]
Then the rain begins To fall [AUDIENCE GASPING.]
Pitter, patter, pitter, patter Sonny, Sonny! Love is gone so what can matter No sweet lovin' man Comes to call All my little sundrops.
She breathes a sigh of sadness Like the wind that stirs Boop.
You're not You're not the fu you're not the future.
- You're not - Can I get a selfie? You're not the future.
I'm the I'm the I'm the fu I'm the future.
I People used to love Hear her laugh, see her smile [SOMBER CHATTER.]
That's how she got her name [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
This is the NYPD! This is an active crime scene! If you remain in this area, you are in danger.
- Evacuate immediately.
- Huh.
Move calmly and swiftly to the nearest exit.
Repeat, you are - Dad, Dad, Dad.
- Shh.
Dad, I'm I'm sorry.
Shh, no, no, no.
calmly and swiftly to the nearest exit.
It's not your fault.
I did this.
I'm sorry I said I wanted things to go back to the way the used to be.
I didn't mean it, I didn't.
I know.
It's okay.
You never needed a fake dad anyway.
You're not a fake dad.
You're real and I don't want you to go.
Move calmly and swiftly to the nearest exit.
Drop the weapon! Drop the weapon! - Any other active shooter? - Ma'am, drop the weapon.
Hands where I can see them.
Cover the corners! Sonny's show was the highest-rated Easter Sunday broadcast ever.
By the time he ate the bullet, he was doing Super Bowl numbers.
He was right, the show was a hit.
It's ironic.
Poor guy never lived to see the overnights.
- I always knew it would work.
- What about Brooks? Replaceable.
No, I mean, shouldn't we say something? Tell someone? I mean, his family? Why ruin a great feel-good story? We should get something going with the guy.
The one who killed Santa Claus.
Now we're talking.
He's like a real-life John McClane.
Exclusive with Fareed Zakaria.
Screw that.
Why not his own show? Wait, wait, let's don't get ahead of ourselves.
Didn't he die? Get him over.
Somebody check that.
Wake up, Nick.
- Call it.
- Time of death, 9:53 p.
All right, that's a wrap.
You wanna grab margaritas at Chili's? [SIGHS.]
Nah, "The Voice" is on tonight.
No, you can't just this is somebody's father! Somebody's son! Somebody's best friend! Wake him up, Doc! Use the zappers, come on! Wait.
Do you feel that? - That breeze? - No, uh-uh.
No, no, no, don't start that shit, Doc.
That "you can feel the spirit leaving them as they slough off the motherfucking mortal coil.
" I'm not having that shit.
I will walk the fuck right out of here and you will not see my black ass ever again.
Try me.
Oh, there are millions of "IFs" out there just like you, Happy.
Waiting for the moment our young friends stop believing completely And we blink out of existence.
When your friend stops believing, you disappear.
I die if she dies.
Well, I guess this is it, then.
I've lived, I've loved.
I've done things no other imaginary friend has ever done.
Now it's time for me to go.
The great pineapple pasture in the sky where IFs frolic forever under clown-colored clouds.
Goodbye, sweet world.
Goodbye, Hailey, wherever you are.
Goodbye, partner.
I'm not dead.
Why the heck ain't I dead? [ANGELIC CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Welcome, Nick.
Size doesn't matter here.
My breasts are filled with the finest bourbons.
Suckle them for eternity.
Hello, Nick.
If you're gonna cock-block me for all eternity, we're gonna have a problem.
No, no, Nick, I just come here sometimes.
You know, pop into the party.
Which is absolutely fucking bestial.
No, but I wanted to tell you, Nick, it doesn't have to be this way.
You can turn back.
I don't think you got the memo, asshole.
I flat-lined.
Bellied up.
Bagged and tagged.
Man, is it hot in here.
I can still bring you back.
What the fuck would I want that for? I been dreaming of this moment my entire life.
What about your little girl? Let's face facts.
I think there's one thing we've all learned here.
That she's better off without me.
Hmm, difficult point to argue.
Oh, then there is the small matter of revenge.
"Revenge"? I don't have a vengeful bone in my body.
Oh, Nick, don't be tedious.
Of course you do.
Everybody loves revenge.
I mean, can you really shuffle off to the great beyond knowing that the man who bested you is still out there somewhere? Can you? You know who I'm talking about.
Tick, tock, time to rock.
I'm going to show you why they call me Smoothie.
But there's the finest bourbon.
Why is it so hot in here? [GAS HISSING.]
Death drums his fingers and waits for us all, even me.
I think he can wait a little longer.
Don't you? Well, maybe just a little bit longer.
Splendid! [LAUGHING.]
- Ooh, one small thing.
- Yeah? If I bring you back, you belong to me for all time.
- Okay? - What? [GAS HISSING.]
I've woken up worse.
Okay, Hansen.
Your ride's here.
Is it grandma? No, honey, it's your aunt.
I have an aunt? [CURIOUS MUSIC.]
Nice jacket.
It's supposed to make me look more normal.
I'm sure you can relate.
It's not working.
I don't understand.
Well, your mom and dad listed me as your next of kin.
So, looks like I got a roommate for a while.
Why would she put me with you? Maybe she thought you could use a good female role model.
What happened to your hand? Story for another day.
Feet off the dash.
Where is everyone? You live under a mushroom or something? Not you.
- I don't understand.
- Oh, sorry.
I guess you missed the IF mass genocide on Sunday.
That Bob's Big Boy-looking perv all the kids love got murdered on national television.
No big deal.
I'm sure you can DVR it.
Oh, that.
I was there.
I'm sorry.
Oh, forget it.
The usual? On the house, man.
No, thanks.
Hey, you haven't seen Peep around, have you? Peep? Yeah, she's here.
I let her use the back room.
Hey, wait, you probably don't want to go back there.
Suit yourself, buddy.
Oh, yes, sir! Yes, sir! Three bags full! - Bo? - [BOTH GASP.]
- Ah, crap.
- Oh, uh, hey, Happy.
What's good, man? - [CHATTERING.]
- The voices sing The book of love will open up I was, uh distraught? Take these broken wings You've got to learn to fly Learn to live, love so free And when we hear You'll be all right there for a while.
Merry lost her father, too, you know.
I just want you to know that none of this is your fault.
We all just did what we had to do.
That's all.
I'm coming for you.
You stay strong, Hailey.
I promise, no matter what it takes, I will come for you.
No, Mom.
I'll come for you.
Hey, hey, hey! Da-da-da-da, yeah, you.
Don't look at that! Look at this! [CARS HONKING.]
I always thought I knew what my purpose was, but that's all gone now.
I don't even know what I am anymore.
What the heck am I? That's a very good question.
That's a very good question.
You seem to be, like, a kind of a mash-up of random images from a child's brain that's, uh, obtained some kind of autonomy.
Isn't that wild? God? Let's call me, uh, an imaginary friend.
Only, my friend, uh, happens to be, you know, a whole civilization.
At this point, thankfully, an ever-dwindling portion of civilization.
That's a funny name for it, isn't it? "Civilization.
" Geez, insects are more civilized.
You, an an imaginary friend? That's silly, everyone believes in you.
They do? Really? [SCOFFS.]
To tell you the truth, I got days when I feel just like you.
Like, "What the hell am I even doing up here?" I mean, yes, you're right.
People people talk about me, but they don't really believe.
I mean, they pretend to.
But look at them.
But, you know, that's exactly my point.
Every day, I hear these sanctimonious assholes saying, "God told me this," and "God spoke to me that.
" Um, n-no.
No, I did did not.
I dunno what voice you're hearing, but, uh, it's not mine.
Not mine.
But what about prayers? Prayers? That's that's for them.
That's not for me, not for us.
Uh, hey, if I played favorites based on who, uh, stroked my ego more, you know, what kind of what kind of jagoff would I be? No, prayers, mm, are like those buttons at the crosswalk.
You press them to make you feel better, but you're not gonna change the traffic by hitting a button.
If I were you, here's what I'd do: I'd focus on doing what I do best.
Being a friend.
Forget the "imaginary" part.
The the nice lady is rotting away in the stoney lonesome for manslaughter.
The little girl is about to turn into some kind of witch assassin on the trail of an evil, secret society.
It's very dangerous, man.
And, you know, Sax, the idiot? You know, he's a half-zombie in the service of some kind of schizophrenic demi-god.
But Nick's dead.
Um, yeah, well, you might wanna you might wanna check on that.
Good talk, good talk.
I gotta ghost, man.
You know, this ain't my only gig.
Huh, maybe my time here is is coming to an end.
Anyway, ball up.
Ball up, little little horsey.
Drop those tiny blue testicles, 'cause this shit's about to get, uh, dark.
Hey, uh, this came for you today.
It's from Europe.
Thank you.
I've been waiting for this.
How? [GRUNTS.]
I am so happy right now.
- Me, too.
- I thought you were Dead.
I know, right? Bullet to the chest from your daughter, autopsy, incinerator.
Mere trifles.
And then you wouldn't have been able to - Kill you myself.
- Exactly.
You know, for people like us, it's never easy to find a worthy adversary.
A truly meaningful death.
I know exactly what you mean.
Enough with the chitchat.
Ah, I want you to know that I have enjoyed our tango.
- Goodbye, Smoothie.
- See ya.
Tell me how do I feel Tell me now how do I feel So [SNIFFS.]
What do you want to be for Halloween this year? Hmm.
I know! How about psycho Santa Claus? No? All right, honey, you okay?