Harley Quinn (2019) s01e11 Episode Script

Harley Quinn Highway

[GUARD 1.]
Why don't you ever go to the commissary for lunch? I know I'm not gonna like it.
But they change their menu every day.
How could you possibly know you don't like it? [GUARD 2.]
I don't like that style of food preparation.
[GUARD 1.]
What does that even mean? "Style of food preparation"? [GUARDS GRUNTING.]
[GUARD 3.]
Don't worry.
Without any plants around, she's just another weak, helpless woman.
Uh, who still has hands and the goddamn Second Amendment.
Obviously I support background checks and common sense gun laws.
- There she is.
- Hey you, stop! - Hey! [GUN CLICKING.]
Trying to escape on surgery day.
Don't worry.
Insurance will cover it.
Obviously that was a joke.
Insurance would never pay for this.
I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah? I would agree with th - [POISON IVY SIGHS.]
Ugh, it's my fault she's in there.
I can't even imagine what they're doing to her.
You don't think it's, like, torture, right? I don't think it's like torture.
That's motherfuckin' torture right there.
Screw this.
I'm gettin' her out.
That is a lot of big boys with guns, and you're one petite young woman with a bat.
They aren't gonna come at you one at a time.
That's not how that shit work! Mmm, that's actually standard goon operating procedure.
Excuse me.
I'm so dang lost and so Oh, they're doing the "all at once" way now.
You know what you need? - More bat? - More crew.
Hello, Gotham.
Riddler here.
Sorry to interrupt your football match, but I've hidden a bomb somewhere in Gotham.
Oh, but don't worry, Batman.
Here's a little riddle to help you find it.
You throw away the outside and cook the inside.
Then you eat the outside and throw away the You're doing great, boss.
You throw away the outside Oh, sorry.
Uh, you throw away the [CLEARS THROAT.]
You throw away the outside and cook the inside What the hell are you doing? I just have one tiny thought.
Maybe say, "Throw away the outside".
Do you see where I put the emphasis? Did you just give me a fucking line reading? We're live! Yes, this guy! Where's this guy when you're threatening Gotham with a riddle? Go, now, while you feel it.
All right.
You know what? Screw it.
It's corn.
The bomb's at the corn factory.
Cut the feed.
Uh, can I borrow Clayface for a minute? Borrow? Take him, please.
Now, forever, be gone.
Hey, Clayface! - Hmm.
- You look great.
Have you lost some clay? Yes.
I'm feeling very fulfilled.
My life is thick and rich.
Listen, I know I promised to take care of you guys, instead, I left you out to dry.
You guys aren't just a crew to me.
You're the only family I've got.
You're thinking of the number 17.
Also, FYI he's banging his assistant Denise.
We are not family.
You're right.
I didn't treat you like family.
Well, I did, but I treated you like my family treats people, which is bad not good.
Now, Denise, do you know your boss's password? And, yes, I heard you, but I'm passive aggressively not responding.
All I'm asking for is a second chance.
When I got to the Legion of Doom, I forgot that the only reason I was there was because of you guys.
But I won't forget again.
So, what do you say? - No.
- No.
- Never gonna happen.
- No? Ivy's kidnapped! - What? - Not Ivy.
- We got to save her.
- Yeah.
Where the hell did you learn how to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top.
Sorry, sorry, sorry! Look, Ivy needs us, and I can't do it on my own.
We'll help you, Harley.
- Yay! - For Ivy.
- Still yay.
- And then we never want to see you again, all right? Less yay, but more yay than I had this morning.
What's happening? What's shakin'? We pullin' a caper? What? No.
Where the hell you been? We broke up a week ago.
What? We broke up? I'm devastated.
I thought this was my forever crew.
What the hell are you talkin' about? You've never been in the crew.
But you can come help rescue Ivy.
Hi-ya! You won't regret this, Harley baby.
I'll do the driving! I'm an excellent [SNORING.]
Driver! Hey! Get out of the Ugh, you schmuck.
Come on! If you don't wanna die, get out of the road! Don't throw up, don't throw up.
Don't throw up! Stop verbalizing it.
You're going to make me I do not know how you live with yourself.
Holy shit! Hey, how you doing, buddy boy? Where do you want me to set up the pretzel wrapped wieners? [ALARM BLARING.]
Pretzel-wrapped wieners! Oh, boy! What's the occasion? It's a big thank you from the boss for all your hard work.
Oh, that is just You think they don't notice, but they notice.
It's like eating my childhood.
Here, let these guys in.
Who wants a pretzel-wrapped wiener? Like a glove.
Holy shit! It's true! Pretzel-wrapped wieners! Gentlemen and Psycho, begin phase two.
There she is.
Congratulations, Mom, you're going to give birth to the destruction of Gotham.
My pheromones.
What did you do with them? Oh, I'd love to show you, but by the time I unleash it, you'll be too busy screaming.
Oh, no, fear toxin.
Didn't see that coming.
Hey, shithead, poisons don't work on me.
That's, like, literally my thing.
Which is why I used your DNA to engineer a special blend just for you.
Was it fun henching for Riddler? I heard his breath smells, but the person who told me that had nasty breath, so he could be an unreliable source.
Guys, shut it.
We can't find Ivy if we can't hear her.
That's her! Follow me! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Oh, my God! What'd they do to her? I fear they've poisoned Ivy.
Nothing? Should've saved that for a lower-stakes situation.
Ive, it's okay, we're here! Actually, it's not okay.
The fear toxin's destroying her brain.
Unless we do something soon, she's gonna be stuck like this forever.
Don't worry.
I know just how to save her.
Why the fuck did you do that? I had to knock her out so we can get into her brain, like I was knocked out when you went into mine.
Uh, no.
You just happened to be knocked out before.
So, really, all you've done is punch your friend in the face, you idiot.
Oh, well, whoops.
All right, let's get in there and fix her up.
Also, let's not mention the whole face punchin' thingy.
- Let's go! - But if we go in her brain, that'd leave our bodies out here all cute and unprotected.
I'll protect your cute bodies.
No, no.
Last time you were alone with our cute bodies, you tried to burn them.
Hey, hey, hey, I could've done much worse.
Come on, get in her noggin.
Evie's counting on ya.
It's Ivy! All right, we're going in.
Sy's stayin'.
Hot dog! [GRUNTS.]
Holy shit.
The fear toxin has activated all of Ivy's biggest fears.
Hey, guys, over here.
Wow, what a beautiful day to meet some new friends.
I'm so lucky.
That was incredibly violent.
I did not realize there was so much stuff inside of trees.
It's comin' for us! Somebody do something! Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears, but it wouldn't kill me.
Yeah, that was, uh That was definitely a thing I knew.
What the hell are we supposed to do now? Oh, does someone have a plot-driven question that needs a magical answer? Let me be of service.
I wish I had that magical sound in the background, that [HUMMING.]
There it is! Can we stop with the Frank show and get on with it? Hmm.
Ivy's brain is warped by Scarecrow's fear toxin, which has activated all her biggest fears.
To save her, you need to destroy the thing she fears most.
And how do we figure out what that is? Well, I guess it's not this monster wood chipper.
What the hell else could it be? Do you not see the creepy ass mansion right there, huh? 111 Creepy Ass Street.
Aw, little Ivy.
Pamela, where are all your friends? You were right, dear, she has no friends.
I thought you had at least one friend, but Mother knew better.
We should've hired those dwarfs to pretend to be kids to pretend to like you.
Of course Ivy's biggest fear is her cruel father.
Oh, we've all got daddy issues.
Hey, we're gonna kick your trust-fund-having ass back to boarding school.
Help me! Help me! Hang on, little Ive, I'm comin' for ya! You let me die! [GRUNTING.]
Okay, we gotta figure a way back into that mansion to kill that son of a bitch.
Ivy's dad is not her biggest fear.
Her biggest fear is on the way.
All scary shit got that laugh.
My God! Kite Man? She's afraid of Kite Man? No, dummy! Would you can it with the commentary and just let this shit play out? He's coming! I tried to stop him, but he's too powerful.
I gotta fly.
Fly away.
Everybody feel that pucker in your assholes? That means shit is about to get real.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
I mean, it's a little Christmas Carol, but, eh, let's just kill 'em.
We're good, we're fine.
Doing great.
Hunky dory.
Hey, what's going on in here? Hey! Watch the hair, shitbag.
I can't pull off a Felicity season two.
No one can.
Not even Felicity itself.
Okay, he's burning rocks.
I'm out.
Clayface, I appear to have misplaced my bat.
Oh, that's clever.
It was good, wasn't it? Harley, you slash-mostly-Clayface did it! Now, to find out how gross your face is.
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, shit! Dear God.
We're Empire Strikes Back-ing it.
You're her biggest fear? I did not see that coming.
That's some M.
Night Shyamalama shit.
What the fu Oh, Lordy.
What happened here? Pretty great, right? Why would these guards commit suicide? Suicide? I killed them! Protecting your cute bodies.
You're welcome.
Why was I her greatest fear? [POISON IVY COUGHING.]
Ivy! Ivy! Though I have so many questions, they're about to destroy Gotham, so we've gotta get out of here.
Who the fuck braided my hair? Mmm.
I was bored.
Oh, Jesus.
Ive, why am I your biggest fear? Harley, I can't talk about this right now.
Is it because when we go out to eat I always ask to get a dessert menu and that makes the dinner last five minutes longer? No, but I do hate that because you never order anything.
It's 'cause I always forget that we have cookies at home.
Listen, Ive, I can't live with not knowing why I'm some bad guy in your brain settin' fire to things.
- I love you.
- Harley, later.
Scarecrow's about to use my pheromones for some kind of biological warfare.
We have to stop him.
I think we gotta stop them.
Legion of Doom.
Those pricks! Yes! But it is nice to see they're recycling.
Vroom, vroom, boys.
Gotham awaits.
- Shit.
- [SY.]
All right, that's my fault.
That's on me.
I parked in the handicap spot.
I know, I know I could get the pass, but I'm off the grid here.
I'm not putting my name on some fakakta government hit list.
Not a car in sight.
You sure about that? It's time, Sy.
You can do this.
In 1984, a toy company came out with a new line.
It was a huge success, and the CIA took notice.
For my last assignment - Fuck your mother! - Ugh! I underwent a procedure using an experimental technology.
It changed me forever.
It made me a transchanger.
Quick, get in me.
Over there, I see 'em! Harley, I don't think I've ever ridden on Harley Quinn Highway.
Yeah, they let me design it myself when I threatened to nuke the city.
Kind of regrettin' some of my creative choices right about now.
There's the bastards.
Let her rip, boys.
I love guns! I think the trucks are bulletproof.
Just get me close, and I'll handle this.
Ive, wait up.
Hey, now that it's just me and you, I was hopin' we could talk a little bit about why one bestie would think of the other bestie as her worst nightmare.
- Not now! - [GRUNTS.]
Uh, what about now? Fine! You want to know what my biggest fear is? Finally allowing myself to count on someone and then having them ditch me.
But I was still plannin' on helping you.
You were my one friend, and I asked you for one favor, but instead you ditched me for the Joker, who treats ya like shit.
I thought you could change, but I was wrong.
You still live your entire life based on what he might think.
So, how do we fix this? I don't know.
Loop! Harley's truck's not gonna make it! [SCREAMING.]
What's the situation? Ivy's mad at me for months of emotional neglect.
The road, schmuck, the road! Situation on the road! Oh, two trucks left, but there's Ivy! Plant, anywhere? There's gotta be a plant somewhere.
Oh, shit.
- Ivy! - Hang on! Sy, after today, you're in the crew, even if it's just you and me.
Thanks, H-bomb.
I told ya I could - [SNORING.]
- Scarecrow's getting away! On it! On it.
He's takin' the Gotham Park exit.
We're not gonna catch him.
Drive over the weapons cache! Good God! Tax dollars actually paid for this? Pull over! Ivy, you're right.
I let Joker get to me.
I turned my back on my friends and on you.
But that is the old me.
Time to blow her up.
See how selfless I am now? Best friends again? Water under the bridge? [SCARECROW LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
That bubbling seems ominous.
So, the guy at the Smart Bar said that everything should be fine.
I did it, Denise.
I told Cheryl I'm leaving her.
Now it's you and me forever.
Oh, Daniel.
Oh, shit.
So, this is not great.
Hey, a little help over here.
Anybody have any WD-40? Maybe some coconut oil? I'm in a lot of pain! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]

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