Harley Quinn (2019) s01e12 Episode Script

Devil's Snare

Whoa! Oh! We gotta stop this.
If Gotham's destroyed we gotta move and there's no way I'm living' in Metropolis.
So do your plant control thingie and put an end to this.
Yeah, you know what, you're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it my "plant control thingie".
Hey buddy.
I I can't control them.
I've They They've mutated! Maybe they'll respond to heavy scolding? [YELLS.]
You are being very disrespectful! - [GROWLING.]
- Run.
Look at that, Ivy has procured us a tree army.
She can't control the plants.
Yes, Harley.
Hurrah! Uh, I don't think those trees are on our side.
- Argh! This is my favorite top.
Dick! [GROANS.]
Sweet Roosevelt's ghost! Acupuncture works.
I'm healed, baby! - [WHOOSHES.]
Easy come, easy go.
Argh! Oh, I am slain! - Clayface, no! - [GRUNTS.]
If thou be merciful [GASPS.]
Open the tomb And lay with [WEAKLY.]
And scene! - [GRUNTS.]
Oh, my god! [DR.
That deserves a suicide.
Sweet Jesus, the park's filled with murderous plants.
Thank God we canceled Jazz Fest.
The way I see it, there's only one option.
Bomb the damn place to kingdom come.
Jim there are innocent people there.
Well, it's not our fault if they don't check their social and see Jazz Fest was canceled.
You can't bomb the park.
Of course we can.
We have tanks.
The taxpayers paid for 'em.
Yep, Jazz Fest may have been canceled, but we can still give the people a show, buddy.
I need you to be surgical about this, Jim.
Be prudent.
- I can't hold your hand - Why not? Because Scarecrow's crop-dusting fear toxin around the perimeter of Gotham, forcing thousands of innocent people towards the park.
- That potato sack son of a bitch.
- I'll handle him.
The Justice League is en route to help us with the tree problem.
- I just need you to evacuate the park.
- Got it.
You know what would be a good way to get the people out of the park? No tanks.
- [SIGHS.]
- [THUDS.]
So, Commissioner Gordon, this situation seems dire.
- Are we finally going to see those tanks - our taxpayers voted on? No.
That wouldn't be [MOCKINGLY.]
Oh, boo.
Why? To minimize loss of life because some jazz hippies can't read a goddamn email! Well, in this reporter's opinion it looks like we are So fucked! - [ROARING.]
Nice save, Jerk-off League! That's not our name at all.
Ugh, how does she pull off those clunky bracelets? I know, it's like annoying.
Well, hey you know, thanks for the help.
Harley and crew will handle the rest.
Um Hey! Why am I tied up? Because you and your troublesome horde are behind this anarchy.
What? Bullshit! Harley Quinn, I declare you and your allies, including that elderly war criminal, to be banished to [HESITANTLY.]
You wanna say it since it's your thing? Thanks, Diana.
To the Phantom Zone! What? You gotta be shittin' me.
Uh-oh, oh, I'm seeing' the light.
Oh, my God! I didn't think I'd make it to Heaven after what I did in Uh Eh, well, everywhere, I guess.
Mostly Asia.
We didn't do any of this.
They're tree monsters.
She controls the trees.
Uh You want to say it this time? Sure.
You're all going - [BOTH CHOKING.]
- to the Phantom Zone.
- Now, Kal-El! - [DEVICE BEEPS.]
Harley! Make me tell the truth.
Poison Ivy, did you do this? We didn't do it.
We aren't responsible for the tree monsters.
I secretly watch NASCAR.
I take long showers.
I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy.
I was excited for Jazz Fest.
I was very excited for Jazz Fest.
Oh, God! Someone take this off me.
If you're not responsible for this, who is? Oh, no! [GRUNTING.]
Thirty years ago you cosplaying assholes trapped me in a book.
Time to return the favor.
You'll never get away with Shut the hell up, sexy.
Word of advice, do not smell Rapunzel's hair.
Ain't no shower in that tower.
Queen! Oh, You really saved the day.
I guess not killin' ya worked out pretty well.
Not really.
Quick question.
Can any of you fly? - In a plane.
- Every night in my dreams.
- [SY.]
Ha! outta diesel.
- No.
I'm basically a rock.
Mama's having a productive day.
Ow! Holy mackerel, we're up high! I've never been this far above sea level before.
All right.
Calm down, calm down, don't panic.
Here's a surefire trick to combat, uh, way-up-aphobia.
Pick a spot in the horizon and stare at it.
Oh, wait, that's for sea sickness.
What are we, on a cloud now? [SIGHS.]
Looks like Fables' teamed up with the Legion to kill us.
God, she turned out to be a bad friend.
Hey-hey, I'm already bored up here.
Do your stupid plant thing and get us the hell down.
Okay? You know I can't control fairy tale plants, you balding gremlin.
How would I have know that? When would that have come up? Actually, Fables may have done us a solid.
Seems much safer up here than down there.
Fee fi fo Ah, fuck me.
I smell the blood of small human scum.
Okay, we need a way down.
I say we make like Jack, climb down the beanstalk, chop it down, kill the giant, French kiss Rapunzel.
keep your creepy bionic hands off Rapunzel.
I'll grind your bones to bake my bread! Come on! How the hell are we gettin' off this thing? I know just what we need.
An idea.
Yes, who's got one? [SIGHS.]
I know who can help us.
Sy, give me your phone.
'Ey, wait, wait, wait, not so fast.
- Give it.
- Is it a local call? Just fuckin' hand it over.
Ugh! What do you think, Bill-doe? Any thoughts on this kite? I'm kinda stuck on this last piece, like Oh, check it out, my girlfriend's calling.
What up, babe? [WHISPERS.]
It's Ivy.
It's my girlfriend.
Yeah, no, I'm just designing a kite.
Yeah, trying to put my own little spin-a-roonie on it.
Wha What's that? I'll head right over! I I love you.
She didn't say it back.
It's probably just bad reception.
Plus, she probably didn't want to say it in front of her work friends.
Wait, you have Kite Man's number memorized? [LOUD FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Oh, no, the giant's here.
You didn't You didn't answer my question.
How do you know his number? Uh How big do you think that giant's dick is? I do want to talk about that, but answer my question.
I'm I'm dating Kite Man.
What? [GRUNTS.]
Ha! Got ya! You're dating Kite Man? Why? Uh You You love him? I haven't said, like, "I love you" to him, but, yeah, I love him a little.
How do we not know about this? [GIANT GRUNTS.]
Because you never asked.
- I mean, It's like - [CACKLING.]
if it's not about you you're not interested.
I wasn't even trying very hard to keep it a secret.
I kept coming home, reeking of kite, leaves in my hair.
Didn't you ever think that was weird? You seriously didn't know, Quinn? Show of hands for everybody who knew.
- [SY.]
Oy vey! - [KING SHARK.]
Watch your hand! [LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY.]
Ho! [ALL.]
Kite Man! Oh, yeah.
I tossed a hot sauce packet at him that I found inside my pants.
It's Sriracha.
Our fave, babe.
I gotcha.
- Ah! - [KITE MAN.]
- [THUDS.]
Thanks, babe.
I never got the kite thing until now, but it is quite majestic.
Might want to hold on tight there, gang.
Looks like your crew's packing a few extra lbs.
Not you, babe.
You look bangin'.
As per ushe.
Thanks for the ride, babe.
Babe, anytime.
- Ugh! - Oh, sick.
I can't get hold of the Justice League.
But I found Scarecrow wait.
Are you wearing a helmet? Are you on a tank? [SCOFFS.]
No, I'm riding my skateboard.
- What? - The situation's gotten more dire, all right? Desperate times call for tanks.
- Argh! Men and Cheryl, let's remind these trees what they're good for, letting a dog piss all over [KNOCKING.]
Hey, Gordo.
Love the helmet.
But I think it'd look better on me.
Anyone have a Class B commercial license? Dude! You look so good popping out of a tank.
It's mostly the helmet.
Scarecrow and those Legion of Doom Dicks were behind this from the start.
And screw Fables for joining 'em.
I hereby tender my resignation.
I hope it's effective immediately because I am squished.
Good Lord! This tank shoots invisible missiles.
What miraculous tech.
I didn't press the button.
Someone else just blew it up.
But who? [RATTLING.]
What? The Joker actually built that stupid tower to take over Gotham? Although, he did use my idea to have it pop out of the ground.
Um Yay? Citizens of Gotham, the Legion of Doom used to stand for something.
Now, it's not standing at all! [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
You can't see them, but that joke killed with the camera crew, and they're the toughest audience to make laugh and they see this shit everyday.
The Legion of Doom used to stand for something, top tier evil.
But now, they'll let in any, say second-rate clown with a cheap dye job.
- How dare he.
I go to a very high-end salon weekly.
Harls, I've seen you neck deep in six different bottles of that bullshit you buy at the drugstore.
Damn it, I forgot you were here.
The Legion is no more.
Gotham, you deserve better, someone with vision, someone who speaks French, moi, of course.
I'm calling it! RIP, Gotham City, time of death Right now! [SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE.]
He's going down.
All right, everybody back in the tank.
If you need to pee, now's your chance.
I want you war-crazed lunatics [SOFTLY.]
and Cheryl, [LOUDLY.]
to unleash holy hell on that tower.
Unleashing, sir.
What the fuck! [ALL SCREAMING.]
I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed.
Oh, I wore that well.
Maybe I don't hate being a downer.
Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things.
Well, I think we fucked up everyone that needed it.
What is this weak-ass drink? This one of your jokes? It's 1:30, I'm not getting fucked up on a Wednesday.
And by the way why is Harley still alive? You said you took care of them! I threw 'em on top of a beanstalk.
"Took care of" means kill them.
Not beanstalk them! I was trying to kill them, just in a fun and cinematic way.
That big-dicked giant kills everything.
Apparently not! You joined me, because you said you wanted to be on the winning team.
Well, we can't win until they're dead.
I'll kill 'em normal.
- With the Justice League missing - and no sign of Batman, we're all just pawns in the hands of a murderous psychopath.
And what better hands to be in? They're firm, they're strong, and they're covered in soft, soft gloves.
In other news, are hideous scars on your face actually awesome? And yet, they're only the second most evil news network.
Right guys? - Anyone? - We gotta get those trees away from the tower so we can stop Joker.
Perhaps, I could take on the role of an arborist and slowly trim them back to death.
It could take years, but this green-thumbed plant enthusiast is up to the challenge! Yeah, okay, you know what, I'm gonna go and draw the trees away from the tower.
Ive, be, uh, you know, careful and shit.
You too.
And shit.
Come on, babe.
Let's go mow that lawn.
So this guy really does it for you? You know, one-on-one [HESITANTLY.]
he He Uh [SIGHS.]
Uh, fuck you, Psycho! I don't know.
Are you okay? Kite Man doesn't run a lot.
Uses kites, mostly.
Phew! This water made the plants huge, and I am part plant.
So, it could have the same effect on me.
I know I can't stop you from doing this, so in case it kills you or gives you really bad diarrhea - Um - I couldn't live with myself, - if I didn't ask you - Wait, what are you this special question.
Oh, dear.
Will you do me the honor of making me - Mr - There's no box.
Poison Ivy? Um Uh [STUTTERING.]
You know what, let's Let's circle back on this? Just maybe after the apocalypse? Right? [KISSES.]
Not a no.
Hell, yeah! All right, guys.
Look, I know none of this is your fault.
And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.
I promise I'll plant, like, so many of you once this is over.
Oh! God, it was just a kid.
Come on! Got time for one last bedtime story? Why would you work for Joker? 'Cause unlike you, he's a real evil son of a bitch.
Well, I'm evil enough to bash your head in.
Tell that shit to my grandma.
My, what big eyes she has! [ROARING.]
Wait a minute! That's no grandmother! [GROWLING.]
Sorry! Ah, sorry! [GROANS.]
Ah, sorry for that too! [YELPING.]
I have an idea! [ROARS.]
Oy! Bubby, it is I, Grandfather Wolf.
First, that's a male wolf - [GROWLING.]
- dressed like an elderly human female.
Second, why is your wolf Jewish? - I took a swing.
Stop with this meshugenah nonsense! [SCREAMS.]
- I'll handle this.
Ow! Oh! Argh! [SCREAMING.]
We're back on top.
No more sucking dick under bridges for you.
Well, I mean, unless you're into that shit.
Come here.
Good boy, Grandma.
Took you long enough.
Did you bring Mama Harley's head? Let me see the head! Hiya, Queenie.
Ah, shit Oh, my god! I did not know her head would pop off.
How did you manage to hollow out the innards of that beast? Well, a lot of people ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark.
It's a shark.
Wow! Okay.
- Hey.
- Whoa! Ive! You look great.
You think? I didn't go too big or No way.
you're pulling it off! I mean, honestly, you could've gone bigger.
- Really? - Thirty bucks if you put me in your pocket.
What? I got a type! You knew this.
Ahhh! [GRUNTS.]
- Gotcha! Thanks, Ive! Wow.
You risked your life and killed trees for us.
And I thought you didn't love anything more than trees.
Yeah, well, you know, I guess there are a handful of exceptions.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not great at having people who are actually good to me in my life.
Most people are trash.
I promise I'll do better, if you're willing' to give me a shot.
Wouldn't it be messed up if I ate you right now? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Keep your eyes open, Ive! Don't leave me! We still got so much ass kicking' to do! [BREATHLESS.]
Harley I can't [GASPS.]

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