Harley Quinn (2019) s01e13 Episode Script

The Final Joke

1 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[POISON IVY.]
Gotcha! I'm not great at having people who are actually good to me in my life.
Same.
Most people are trash.
Wouldn't it be messed up if I ate you right now? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [GROANS.]
- Ive! [POISON IVY GROANING.]
Ive, don't leave me.
We still got so much ass-kicking to do.
Harley I can't.
[SOBBING.]
[JOKER LAUGHING.]
Oops! [LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[LAUGHING FADES.]
Harley, uh, a few words? [STIFLED SOBS.]
Let her grieve.
I've prepared a little something.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
- [HARLEY SOBBING.]
- We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend.
Her death was not an empty sacrifice.
And, of my friend, I will say just this.
Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human.
[SOBS.]
- [HARLEY SOBBING.]
Wow, that, uh [SNIFFLES.]
Wasn't awful.
As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Mmm-hmm.
All right.
[FRANK SOBBING.]
Goodbye, my dear fiancee.
[FRANK WAILING.]
Who's gonna water my roots? [SOBBING.]
I don't trust any of these assholes.
[HARLEY SOBS.]
You'll be missed.
[HARLEY CRYING.]
She's a doctor, damn it! Who chiseled this shit? [SCREAMING.]
No, no, no.
What're ya What are you doin'? He doesn't want you to follow Ivy to the grave.
So that's it? We're just supposed to sit here twiddling our thumbs? Well, unless you got some kind of actual plan, I say yes.
Yes.
I got one.
Ooh, does it involve indiscriminate smashing of other people's property? - No.
- Aw! When no one believed in me, Ivy did.
She always wanted me to get rid of this asshole, so that's what I'm gonna do.
Still not a plan.
I'm workin' on one.
Come on, come on.
- Jim, what's wrong? - Nothing.
My marriage is totally fine.
[SIGHS.]
I mean the situation on the street.
Oh, that's a shit show.
Unlike my marriage, which is rock-solid.
- Right.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Ugh, what is the point of having an elevator if it doesn't work? Quinn, what are you doing here? I wanna take down Joker.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but we need to work together.
I work alone.
What about me? - Not now, Jim.
- [GROANS.]
No one knows Joker better than you and me.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
I've got a file on him.
I'll be right back.
Look, we put our heads together, we can beat him.
And then you can go back to doing whatever it is you do.
I'm not teaming up with you.
You should be locked up in Arkham.
Joker killed Ivy, took over Gotham, and cut off your bat nuts! - Hmm.
- Help me! You're never gonna believe this.
[PANTING.]
Found Joker's file, but he replaced it with one of those greeting cards that plays music.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
What a tricky son of a so-and-so.
- [LAUGHS.]
- If I say yes to this, what do you bring to the table, Quinn? The thing he wants most.
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING.]
[CAMERA WHIRRING.]
[JOKER OVER SPEAKER.]
Who is it? I've already donated.
Oh, Harley.
[LAUGHS.]
To what do I owe the pleasure? Well, seein' as it's your birthday and all, I got you a gift.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
I mean, especially after what I did to Ivy.
You must be very upset with me.
Of course I'm referring to the "murdering her on purpose".
Oh, I hate you more than you'll ever know.
But I'm also practical.
You won, and I wanna be on the winnin' side.
Oh, Harley, how positively mature of you.
I know, real growth.
I thought maybe we could patch things up over a steamin' cup of Batman.
Oh, Harley, this [LAUGHS.]
This is amazing.
For the man who has everything, you found the one thing I wanted and didn't have! [CLAYFACE IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
He's buying it! Just keep your mouth shut.
Well, happy birthday to me! [LAUGHING.]
Of course, no birthday's complete without my special birthday song.
What do you say, Harls? For old time's sake? [CLEARING THROAT.]
To my puddin'.
Happy birthday to you! - Happy birthday to you! - Happy birthday Would you look at this dumbass son of a bitch.
Don't sing! - Happy birthday - Happy birthday Clown prince of evil! Happy birthday to you! And many more! Wait a minute.
That's not Batman! Shit! Shit, shit, shit! God damn it! [BEEPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[JOKER LAUGHING.]
Keep banging away.
You'll never get away with this.
Nighty night, Batman.
[LAUGHING.]
Grab them! [LAUGHING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[JOKER.]
That's right, Harley! Run away! [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Make it stop! Oh, my God! [SCREAMING.]
[JOKER.]
Don't handi-crap your pants.
[LAUGHING.]
[CLAYFACE EXCLAIMING.]
[SPLUTTERS.]
No, Nurse, I said to prick his boil! [POLICE SIREN WAILING.]
[GUN COCKING.]
[JOKER'S VOICE.]
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! [JOKER LAUGHS.]
[JOKER LAUGHS.]
- Ugh! - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Take that - [BATMAN GRUNTS.]
- And that.
And that.
Yawn! Who would've thought my 25th birthday month would be so blah.
- Maybe I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
- [CORK POPPING.]
[SCREAMS.]
What the hell are you doing? Celebrating! Think of all you've accomplished in 38 years.
I'm 25, and you know how I feel about champagne corks.
That could've hit me in the eye.
Sorry about that.
So, what shall we do now, boss? Maybe we build a giant maze, yeah? Dose the people in it with fear toxin? [CHUCKLING.]
[GROANS.]
You are so one note, bag head.
[LAUGHS.]
After Harley and I got disruptive, you know how we'd celebrate? Uh, fondue? "Fondue"? No! By getting more disruptive! Like kidnapping Gordon and eating sushi off his lumpy, naked body.
[SIGHS.]
I was picking hair out of my teeth for weeks.
And now I'm doing this, which should be tons of fun, but I'm bored.
What is wrong with me? You're a sociopathic narcissist.
[SCREAMS.]
It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist? Let's find out.
- What? - Bloody hell! [STAMMERS.]
It's billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.
[HYSTERICALLY.]
No! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Are you shitting me! What is wrong with you? Don't you think I would have done that had I wanted to? Half the fun of our relationship was the mystery! Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.
That's really reductive.
Thanks for ruining the funnest thing I had going.
Now I don't even feel like torturing him.
[STUTTERS.]
Sorry, I thought it might be the kind of thing Harley would do.
I don't care about Harley! [STAMMERS.]
I'm sorry, look, I must've misread the situation when you kept saying her name and reminiscing about all your memories together.
Over and over and over and [SCREAMING.]
[GROANS.]
Not even that was fun.
WayneTech promised an electric car by this year.
I put a deposit down.
Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce? The guy at the flower shop said black roses don't exist in nature, so I had to dye these.
Just wanted you to have a little bit of me in the ground with ya.
Oh, Ive! I miss you so much! If you can hear me, just give me a sign.
- Harley? - [EXCLAIMS.]
Hey there.
I was just taking a little catnap back here on the ol' rock.
[STAMMERS.]
Are you living here? I don't know if I'd call this "living".
You're damn right.
I'm an indoor plant.
I'm supposed to get indirect sunlight.
I just hate the thought of leaving Ivy alone.
Hey, what Why aren't you hiding? Bounty's up to Oh, man! That's a lot of zeros.
But why does he want your ass alive? It's obvi.
To make her watch her crew get executed.
Wait, what? Yeah.
He's gonna execute them and then after, he's throwing an '80s party.
You don't have to dress up but it's strongly suggested.
God, so many iconic '80s looks to choose from.
I wanna go "Thriller" but I don't wanna be the third "Thriller" in line for the potato salad.
You feel me? [HARLEY.]
They're doing it at sundown tonight! Oh.
I'm not gonna let this happen.
Uh, how are you gonna stop Joker by yourself when you couldn't even do it with Batman? I don't know.
I need a minute to think.
- One Mississippi, two Mississippi - [KITE MAN HUMMING.]
- three Mississippi - Can you Can you not be here right now? Like, you want me to go over by that tree, or You know, I know I said I don't live here, but I sort of do.
Just give me a sec with Ive, okay? Ive, what I'm gonna do may be a suicide mission.
If I don't see you back here, maybe I'll see you on the flip side.
[EXHALES.]
All right, here goes nothing.
[JOKER IMITATING ALARM.]
Hey! Oh, hey, Harley.
I was just [CLEARS THROAT.]
Finishing Infinite Jest.
Are you familiar with it? Spine looks pretty intact.
[STUTTERS.]
Well, I have a digital copy, too.
Anyway, are you here for the big execution? There ain't gonna be an execution.
Flyers say there is.
Right before the live '80s cover band.
Their version of "Sweet Child O' Mine" is [LAUGHS.]
- It's okay.
- Release my friends.
Or what? I have a whole army inside this sick-ass tower.
[LAUGHING.]
What leg do you have to stand on? It seems like you really want me alive, so, if you don't do what I say I'm gone.
- [ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [FLOOR INDICATOR BEEPING.]
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Welcome to my penthouse.
[LAUGHS.]
It's got all the amenities.
Central air, 360-degree views, and a couple of horny tigers.
[ROARING.]
What the hell do you want from me? Where's my crew? [CHUCKLING.]
I want you to put this on.
[LAUGHING.]
Come on, remember how much fun you had in that costume? No.
I didn't have fun.
You were the one having fun.
It wasn't till I got away from you that I realized how deeply un-fun being with you was.
So I would rather blow myself up and take you with me than go back to being your sidekick and wearing that fuckin' costume! Well, you could.
Certainly an option.
Only fly in the ointment is if you blow yourself up, - you'll take your crew with you.
- [BEEPS, WHIRS.]
[JOKER LAUGHING.]
So, how about you make this easy and put the outfit on.
- [CLAYFACE, KING SHARK, SY.]
Don't do it.
- Do it.
So, I put this on, you let them go? And if you don't [LAUGHING.]
I kill them.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, there she is! Harley Quinn original recipe.
Why'd you have to go and mess with a classic? Are you gonna let my crew go, or what? I'm a man of my word.
Buh-bye.
[CREW SCREAMING.]
[DISTANT SCREAMS CONTINUE.]
[GROANS.]
She gave her life so that we may live.
[TEARFULLY.]
Goodbye, Harley.
Okay, I'm in the costume.
So what's the plan? Want me to make you a chocolate cake, - put on Legally Blonde, call you "puddin'"? - [LAUGHING.]
Harley, I've got the city by the balls.
The cops are mine.
Batman's tied up and gagged.
I have everything a man could want.
But I'm not happy.
And do you know why? Because you're a textbook sociopathic narcissist with a chemical imbalance in your parasympathetic nervous system? Hey, that's what Batman said.
Hey, Batman, she said the thing you said.
Anyway, no.
The reason I wasn't happy was because we weren't together.
It wasn't until I got everything that I realized it means nothing without you by my side.
Really? Harley, you're the missing piece to my happiness.
I knew you'd be back.
I guess I could never stay away from my puddin'.
- [STABBING.]
- [BOTH GRUNTING.]
You were always so unoriginal, stealing my ideas.
Fuck you! This is for Ivy.
Ha! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[JOKER LAUGHS.]
[ROARING.]
[YELPING.]
[JOKER LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Did you really think I was gonna believe that bullshit about me being the missing piece? [CHUCKLES.]
But that was all true! You see, I only have one weakness.
You.
And when you're the most powerful man in the world, there's no room for weakness.
And so, my only option is to [CHUCKLING.]
Get rid of you.
Then do it.
Kill me! [LAUGHS.]
Do you take me for a basic bitch? If I were I to kill you, you'd live on forever, an emotional martyr in my soul.
So I'm going to erase you from existence.
Pick her up.
Follow me.
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[BUBBLING.]
[GASPS, STRAINS.]
I made the mistake of creating you, and now I'm going to undo that mistake.
This acid will erase all that makes you Harley Quinn.
You'll be a nobody.
A blank canvas.
A stranger on the streets.
[CHUCKLING.]
Normal.
Don't do this.
If you wanna kill me, kill me, but don't do this! Should've thought of that before you made me fall in love with you.
[JOKER.]
It's time.
But don't worry, you won't remember a thing.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Let me jump.
Let this last act of Harley Quinn be my own.
You owe me at least that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
Go nuts.
Goodbye, Harley Quinn.
[BUBBLING CONTINUES.]
Wait a minute.
Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.
You're right about that, puddin'.
How did you Wait.
Where are those vines coming from? Oh, fuck.
I knew I should've harpooned you in the head! One in the head, one in the heart.
It's Harpooning 101.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Guess who's next? - [GRUNTS.]
Harley [CHUCKLING.]
You don't wanna do this.
We can rule Gotham together.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
You're nothing without me! You always tried to make me think that, but it's not true! I have friends that love and care about me.
I'm moving on with my life with the people that matter.
And that ain't you, puddin'.
- Drop him.
- Love to.
[WHIMPERING.]
You don't want to do this.
I've always supported strong female friendships! [SCREAMING.]
Oh, Ive! Oh, my God! It was my tears, wasn't it? My tears of friendship fell on your grave and brought you back to life! Harls, I love you, but we don't live in a Disney movie, okay? It was the renewing power of nature that brought me back.
And, you know, maybe the tears helped a little, too.
[SCREAMING.]
[STRAINING.]
Oh, my God, he saved us.
He'll be okay, right? I mean, he's Batman.
[UNCERTAINLY.]
Sure.
I mean, you know, he's got the polymer suit - with the - [LOUD CRASHING.]
Oh, shit.
Let's get out of here.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[JOKER'S LAUGHTER.]
So, to summarize, good news, Joker no longer rules Gotham.
Bad news, thanks to an 8.
6 earthquake, there's no longer a Gotham left to rule.
And Batman is missing.
More updates as we get them.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
And I just want the record to reflect that I always had faith in you, Harley.
Did not doubt it for a moment.
I did not feel the same way, but am so glad I was wrong.
Harls, ya did it.
Justice League is gone, same with the Legion of Doom, and the Joker's dead.
Gotham is in complete chaos.
[HARLEY.]
It's so beautiful.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[JOKER LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER SUBSIDES.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]

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