Harley Quinn (2019) s04e03 Episode Script

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Can you leave Tuesday, or
Sorry, that's leg day.
You know, the Bat family
is all about group squats.
Oh. What about next Thursday?
Ugh. Thursdays are my day
for surveillance at the docks.
Okay. Well, then,
honey, when can you go?
Heroes deserve a day off.
Even all those
unvaccinated firefighters.
You know what? Yeah. Yeah,
let's just go this weekend.
Actually, the Lexor
in Vegas just reopened,
and it's free for villains.
Oh, yeah! Cheetah and Kanye
renewed their vows there.
Wait, isn't Clayface's
residency starting this weekend?
I've been getting so many
targeted ads, it's like, ugh.
Same! Oh, my God, I cannot believe
we haven't talked about this.
He's singing the greatest hits
of other Vegas residencies?
Yes, and why is the trailer in French?
Why is he taking a bubble
bath in army fatigues?
Yeah, like, who is the audience?
Anyone who couldn't get tickets
to literally anything else.
Totally. But actually, honey,
you know, now that you're
with the Bat family,
you probably shouldn't stay
at the evilest resort in Vegas.
No, no, no. No, I miss you.
I miss staying up all night,
you know, getting into erotic mischief,
feeding each other baby carrots.
- Yeah, girl!
- Let's go to Vegas!
Okay, dial extension
three if you need goons
- Ooh!
- Four for guns, knives, tanks,
and five for fresh towels.
Oh, the grenades are chocolate,
but the chocolates are grenades.
Gonna save this for later.
Would you like me to
have your suite pre-tarped
before you deal with
your hostage? Er, victim?
Hey, you suck at whispering.
- I am her girlfriend.
- Hmm.
Let me know if you need anything at all.
Oh! Actually, uh, we do.
We'd love a pair of tickets
to the Clayface show.
We should probably just check
it out while we're here, right?
That show's been sold out for months.
Oh, wait. Are you serious? For real?
But good news
Mr. Face generously invited you
to his pre-show pool
party this afternoon.
Ah, very subtle.
I'm just gonna have
Nora handle the tickets.
Blood-of-Your-Enemies shooter?
Yours has some of your
fourth grade math teacher's.
Oh. To the best weekend ever.
So what should we do first? Ooh!
We should see that show Fall.
The aerial circus show with the
spikes instead of safety nets?
Uh, you know what would be
so unexpected and subversive?
Going to see the
glass-blown ceiling garden
designed by famous blind
artist Dale Chihuly.
And on the way back,
we stop at the M&M's store,
scoop a couple L.B.'s?
I know a candy-coated
chocolate makes you horny.
Should I call for tarp?
I want that one with the fat ass!
Ugh. So sorry we had to
wait in line for three hours.
Hey, at least we got to see that
M&M's through the years display.
Pretty fun to see the tan ones, huh?
Yeah, no, totally.
I also loved hearing so many
babies screaming in line.
Ah, free guns! What?
And with airbrushing? Oh!
Do Do you wanna deal with that, or
No. Work can wait. I don't wanna
interrupt these sexy party vibes!
Ma'am, is this hero bothering you?
Oh, shit, King!
Green Goddess!
Tabitha, you remember my
boss and my former boss.
I told you, this is my babymoon.
I wanna fuck a magician.
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Tabitha and our nine unborn
children are here to party.
And I'm here to support them in
whatever way is least annoying to her.
Ugh! Cover your gills.
I can feel you breathing on my hammer.
Uh, Miss Ivy, Elvis has
requested you join him
for some white rhino
bone marrow in his cabana.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it is Elvis.
Well, of course.
Harley, I'm worried Tabitha
won't let me co-parent with her.
And I want to be part
of these sharks' lives.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
She seems to hate you.
Yo, hook me up with a
couple of those green ones.
Chocolate? I thought they were benzos!
I need to get this
taste out of my mouth.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Should you be smoking cigarettes
since you're, like, extremely pregnant?
Don't humansplain my body to me.
Yeah, you heard her!
Would it kill you to
look up "shark placenta"?
Now scram!
Should Should I check
on our fruit medley?
You know that famous
gumbo from my kingdom?
Of course! Hakarl gumbo!
I mean, there's a beloved folk
song about how hard it is to make.
Yeah, I want that.
My brood's wish is my command.
Hey, how was Elvis?
Wait, no, no. How was the white rhino?
- No, wait, Elvis first!
- Um, ugh on both, actually.
But you know who never underwhelms?
Benjamin fuckin' Franklin!
Okay! Who should we bet on?
I wish I could bet on this death match.
Bad odds with Rag
Doll's loose stitching,
but I do like his wiry energy.
Wait, no one saw me
cheering for this, right?
Hey, so where are we with
the, uh, Clayface tickets?
I can get backstage with Celine,
a meet and greet with
Britney, but nada for Clayface.
I mean, can't you just ask him?
Yeah. No, I can't do that.
I may have ignored a few
emails that he may have sent
specifically about this exact subject,
so just keep trying.
Wow! Even I have tickets.
I guess CEO stands for "Can't
Even do" capital "O" shit.
Uh, ew. No. Troll.
I already have tickets, man.
I'm just I need extra tickets
in case I want seats for our purses.
Yeah, very cool obvious lies,
so I got to ask, what's with the narc?
This party is for hotties
and villskies only.
For your FYI, I'm having a
very fun, very villlski time,
within the limits of my new occupation.
The Harley I know would
have flicked my taint
for even questioning her.
The Harley I know
would have let me drown.
You know what? I actually need
to run back to our room for a sec.
Can't let our bounty melt!
Are you sure you don't want to stay?
We could get, like, matching pedicures.
Well, I guess I could.
Um, you stay. I'm fine.
You deserve to be pampered
by these evil cuties.
Okay, cool.
Make that pool noodle cry.
Oh, kisses at you!
Kiss, kiss.
Oh, for dick's sake.
You look gorgeous!
Well, well, if it isn't my
old so-and-so, Poison Ivy.
No, good, I'm good.
- Don't need any
- Whoo!
I fucking love you, Clayface!
Ha! I love you too, sweetie!
See you at tonight's show, I assume.
Unless, you don't have tickets.
Oh, we're good. Yeah, we got tickets.
Front row, orchestra seats
six and seven, actually.
I look forward to seeing you
there in those exact seats.
Ga-Ga, darling! I got the flowers!
How did you know I was a gladiola girl?
Coming at you live from the
yard at Blackgate Penitentiary,
let's make some noise
for DJ Daddy'$ Money!
Is that motherfucking Bruce Wayne?
Bruce is in prison and still gets
to be a shitty daytime deejay,
but I can't even enjoy Vegas
with my sumptuous life partner?
I'll tell you why he gets
to be a shitty deejay.
Think about it. Bruce and
Batman are two different people.
Of course!
Superheroes all have secret identities.
All my identities are public!
If you had an alter ego,
you could party with Ivy
without getting in trouble
with the Bat family.
Do you have a breath mint?
Don't want any of those shrimp tails
to get caught in your pretty pink hair.
All right. Are we doing this?
I've always wanted to party in Vegas.
So many people to analyze!
Oh, no, you're not
coming out, four-eyes.
This is a job for
Do not leave me in
the mirror, you skank!
Throw down, you bouncy little bitch!
How dare you cheat on me?
It's me, Harley Quinn.
Yeah, sweetie, I know.
You're wearing my bra.
This is just my natural perk, baby.
So I love this whole vibe.
But are you going to get in
trouble with the Bat family
for, like, everything that
you're doing right now?
Harley might. But Hargret will not.
Okay, I like the sound of that.
Now we can party like we used to.
I'm talking jugs out, rugs out,
steal a car just to crash
it into an even nicer car.
Well, bitch, I can't
argue with your logic
or your legendary rack.
Then we'll go get those
fuckin' Clayface tickets, baby.
- Whoo!
- Let's fucking ride.
Fuck yeah!
Bar man!
Ha! I hear you're the guy to talk
to about some primo Columbian.
I am so that guy!
Wanna do some bumpies behind the
"And Just Like That" slot machine?
I was thinking someplace
a little more soundproof,
like your room.
- My room?
- Mmm-hmm.
All right, gumbo. I can do this.
Hey, I hear you deal in exotic rarities.
Yes. But it's gonna cost you.
Ew! Ugh! Damn! This is
supposed to be a hotel!
Why aren't people
having sex in their room?
Onions? Well, I have those in the room.
Hello, ma'am.
I'm sorry!
It'll grow back, right?
Front desk messed up my res.
I usually get a super baller room.
Can we do it on the other bed?
This is my eating bed.
Give me your Clayface tickets
or I'll fucking kill you.
I don't have them! I swear!
He's lying.
No, I'm not!
I was gonna dress up as a
bellhop and ambush a guy.
Bullshit. What guy?
Some hick who won a radio contest.
He's supposed to meet the concierge
at 5:00 p.m. to pick up the tickets.
- Should we kill him?
- I have a better idea.
Hope you're not a mouth breather.
How long do you think it'll take
him to realize it's just chocolate?
What? What's happening right now?
That ill-fitting polyester is,
uh, kind of doing it for me.
Is it? Okay.
How come yours is tear away
and mine has, like, 30 buttons!
Oh, that tickles.
I fucking love Vegas!
Oh, my God. I mean, we have
done a lot of freaky foreplay,
but it was, like, particularly awesome.
I mean, you've never done
that flip-reverse-two-handed
move before. Whoo!
Can we bring Hargret
back to Gotham or what?
- Um
- I mean, not like
Obviously not instead of you. I
Yeah. No, no, I know.
All right, let's get
these fucking tickets.
Hold up. It's a cancer kid?
Look, maybe the mom has Munchausens.
She's the real monster here.
Right. Let's just take
his parents' tickets
- and go to the show with him.
- No, we can't do that.
We need the third seat for our purses.
'Tis I, the elusive chanteuse
La, la, la, la ♪
Wait, where's my son?
You twisted little freak.
I knew you didn't have tickets.
All you had to do was reply
to one of the baker's
dozens of emails and texts
I sent about my show.
Oh, what's a few unread
texts between friends?
No one cares for your opinion, stranger.
You think you can swan in here
and swing your big boss dick
around and get anything you want?
I have eyes and ears
and Ramonas everywhere.
Dial six if you feel like a fool.
You get one residency,
and suddenly you're all,
"Ooh, la, la, I'm Clayface.
I'm a big, uh, diva."
You dare call moi a diva?
Do you know who you're
fucking talking to right now?
Do you know who you're talking to?
I do.
Hey, babe, can we, uh, sidebar away
from all these innocent bystanders?
Hope you sing better
than you throw, bitch.
Nom, nom, nom, nom
Not again!
Villains are destroying the buffet.
Someone call a hero!
Ooh, my hero instincts.
And that's why you always bet on Bat.
Hey! Cut this shit out!
Harley! I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,
but I also kind of love it.
Ivy is stepping out on you with
a Vegas-six in a tacky pink wig.
Okay, Hargret's at least a Gotham eight.
Ugh, get out of my way, Harls!
Do you really wanna kill a bunch
of innocent people over tickets?
- Absolutely!
- More than anything.
What happened to being
my supportive girlfriend?
Sorry, Ive.
Okay, look, dude. Mazel on the show.
We're super proud of you, even
though we would never tell you.
Easy to say now that I
am a bona fide success!
The gall!
I may not even go on tonight
after what you bitches
bedraggled through.
Listen, listen! You're
mad, I get it, okay?
But you should know that your rage
is making your forehead wrinkles pop.
Don't look at me!
Is this your card?
Shit. No? Okay, hold on.
Take it off, magic boy!
I did it!
I got the gumbo!
What? How?
Who cares? Give it to me.
Things are happening.
Baby things? Or is it the soup?
The soup is supposed to induce labor.
What? That's not in the song.
Ugh. You must have
listened to the radio edit.
All right, who's gonna
be my next victim?
I mean, volunteer.
- Me?
- What?
Look, you know I could get
out of this if I wanted to.
I know, but I needed you to calm down.
Shit was getting out of hand.
I was getting out of
hand? LOL. Okay, Hargret.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to bring the
new me to our relationship. But
Oh, yeah, baby, I, I just don't
really care about the tickets.
I just got worried.
Like, what do we have to connect over
if we can't even make
fun of Clayface's show?
Is this your card?
Is anyone in the audience a doctor?
A marine biologist?
No? What What about a shark doula?
There, there. Is this soothing?
Do you feel soothed?
Harley! You two are real ones!
I'm so happy you're here.
I'm gonna need you to push.
I am pushing, you sexy
top-hatted shitbag!
She is pushing!
I see a fin!
That's eight. Wait,
nine's still in there
Push, Mama, push!
I'm not your Mama!
- He's not breathing.
- What?
Is this your card?
That's my card!
That's my card!
It is I, the missing piece
of your friendship pie.
Save it for your show!
To celebrate this momentous day,
I am gifting these new bebes
front row seats to my show.
- Fuck you.
- You bitch.
Now, as written in our great sea laws,
the two dykes in closest proximity
to the birth shall be the godparents.
Hey, but screw tradition.
Harley and Ivy,
would you do us the
honor of being godmothers?
- Fuck yeah!
- Of course, we'll be godparents.
Okay, well, I'm gonna jet
back under the sea now.
What do you mean?
I wanna co-parent.
We are gonna co-parent.
I'm taking the first born and
you can have the rest or whatever.
You took care of me today so
I think you'll be an okay Dad.
- What? Say it.
- I shouldn't
Well, now you Honey,
you've gotta say something now.
Okay? Those sharklings are like fugly.
Oh, my fucking God! Thank you.
I, I'm just so glad I'm not
the only full grown asshole.
Mine was, like, wet,
but also, like, sticky?
So sticky!
I mean, that one looks
like a booger, right?
Oh, my God. This one's just
like a pair of googly eyes
stuck on a flaccid dong.
He always has his eye on you.
- Or is that his tooth?
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, the little one looked
like it was old and young
and like, dead and alive,
all at the same time.
Like a little baby
Benjamin Button with fins.
Yes! Yes!
Ive, I decided to move
in with the Bat family.
Whoa, what?
It's just too hard to integrate
my new job into my old life.
I need to immerse myself
in pure uncut hero culture
until it becomes second nature.
Yeah. Okay. Go Go for it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, this is us
figuring out how to make
our new jobs work, right?
Just, um, don't take too long.
Oh, I almost forgot!
I picked up a little
something at the buffet.
Oh, God, no. This one looks
like one of the babies.
Oh, no! It does! The striped one.
Open up.
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