Haters Back Off (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

my 1rst bae

1 This is my garage.
It's where I like to play and hang out all the time, so I can show you some of my favorite things about it.
This is a memory pile.
It's where I put all our memories.
Rugs, trash, boxes, suitcases, nails, shelves, shirts, socks, wood.
So, memories.
Oh, and here is another one.
See? It says, "Hawaii" on it.
But we've never been there 'cause we don't wanna get killed, so Another some fun things I just found.
Pie glass.
So, if you ever wanna make a pie And lots of, lots of, lots of matches.
So, if you ever poop in the garage, it makes the smell go away.
It's really great.
So, yeah, that's the tour of my garage.
It's one of my favorite places to just explore my dreams and [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] What the heck? Why are you making that annoying sound? Hello.
Uh nice to meet you.
I have ice cream for sale.
Can I interest you in a frozen treat? Ice cream, huh? Got any Froze Toes? What is that? It's real good.
Sort of a blue-flavored foot and you eat the toenail.
You can blow bubbles, all these kinds of things.
Hey, let me have one of those fudge bars.
Oops! So sorry.
It's an improvement, really.
I mean, look at those lame shoes.
Butthead! No offense, but those shoes are really dumb.
You should get some like mine.
They're the best.
I have to wear these.
They're supposed to correct my genu valgum.
I thought you were a boy.
It's also called knock-knees.
Hmm - [SIGHS] - I'll take a missile pop.
[STAMMERS] Fifty cents, please.
See you tomorrow.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] [SLURPS] Mmm [BETHANY GASPS SOFTLY] - You know what I was thinking about? - No.
No, I don't.
- That nurse.
- What nurse? At the hospital that The one that, um I don't - The one that said that, uh - What did she say? She thought we would make a cute couple.
Oh! Yes, yes.
- I remember now.
Yes, yes - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Wow.
- [CHUCKLES] I know, I know.
Uh, that nurse was crazy.
Yes.
I mean, 'cause that would never Yeah.
Oh.
No, that, uh [CHUCKLES] - A bad idea.
- Horrible.
- Just a bad idea, that's what.
- Right.
That's what it is.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] - Oh! Emily! It's Emily! - [BETHANY EXCLAIMS] - It's Emily.
Hi! - Emily.
Hello! [CHUCKLES] - What are your plans today, Emily? - Yes.
I'm painting.
[BOTH] Oh - That's fascinating.
- Yes.
- That is fascinating.
Painting.
Uh - Yes, that is fascinating.
Paintings Are you doing that all day, or - Um - Or - Well, that's a good question.
- Thank you.
- How much of the day are you painting? - Yes.
Or will you be doing something else? Probably just paint.
Is there an occasion? Hmm? Is there an occasion? [BETHANY] Something special? [SNORES AND GRUNTS] [GROANS] [BELCHES] [SIGHS] [MOANS] [SOFTLY] Perfect.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
[GROANING] Ow! Ow! Ow My kidney.
Ow.
Miranda, the doctor said you don't need the wheelchair.
How am I supposed to walk if I don't have a kidney? You have a kidney.
No, I freaking gave it to Mom! You had two.
Now you have one.
Wait, so now I only have one, but mom has three? No, you have one, and mom has one.
- How many do you have? - Two.
It's too early in the morning for math.
Mom doesn't teach me math.
- Yeah, I haven't taught her any math.
- Good.
[GROANS] Mom, my only kidney is starving! Oh! Emily made French toast.
[MIRANDA SIGHS] Finally! [GAGS AND RETCHES] [BOTH MUMBLE] [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] This French toast is delicious.
Emily's a good cook.
You're such an incredible chef.
I'm so proud to be your sister.
Why is everyone being so oddly nice today? Gotta go.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [MIRANDA GROANS] Ow! Oh Ow! Patrick! All that jazz.
[SLURPING] [BELCHES LOUDLY] [CHUCKLES] I got you something.
Really? Yeah.
[MIRANDA] Open it.
I made it myself.
It's perfect.
Mmm I think one of these snails is still alive.
Oh! They're all alive.
Mmm-hmm.
I brought some salt so we can watch them fizzle together.
Um [CHUCKLES] Maybe later.
Actually, there's [CLEARS THROAT AND SNIFFS] there's something I wanted to say.
I know we're at the beginning of what I hope is a very fruitful relationship.
But I also know that right now, your career is your priority.
So I wanted to say that, as your boyfriend I promise that I will never get in the way of that.
And I promise that even though you're not famous, and basically have nothing to offer, that I will date you.
So, you're welcome.
[SIGHS SOFTLY] What an honor.
[BELCHES] - [JIM] Wonderful talk! - [BETHANY] We miss you already! [JIM] Come back soon, Emily! Love you, Em [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] - Hey there.
[CHUCKLES] - Oh Oh! - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh Working hard, huh? It looks like someone could use a little pampering.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES] [STAMMERS] Let's do one on each side.
[BOTH] Oh - Feels good, huh? Feels good.
- It actually really does.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- Magic fingers.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] Your neck is very, uh sinewy.
Oh It is? No, it's a compliment.
It's - Oh - Yes, it means muscular.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] - Thank you.
- Ooh.
Anytime.
[GASPS] Oh, no, Jim, we can't! We can't! [BOTH PANTING] I can't help it.
Ever since you got that bit of Miranda in you, I can't stop thinking about you.
No, Jim, listen.
We have lived here unromantically for a long time.
I don't wanna ruin what we have here.
That's the difference between me and you.
I'm not afraid to ruin anything.
- Oh! Jim! - [SHATTERS] I did that! That's what I did! [SIGHS] Well, Miranda won't like it.
Miranda never has to know.
It'll be our secret.
And, besides I'm not afraid of Miranda.
- [MIRANDA] Uncle Jim! - [EXCLAIMS] - Okay.
Okay.
- Oh, I'll be back.
Uncle Jim! Uncle Jim, get in here! What the heck is this? And the final stop of my meet and greet tour is Tacoma, Washington.
Who is Joey Graceffa? Exactly! How come this YouTuber already has a tour, and you haven't even made a theme park for me yet? I'm sorry, Miranda.
I've been distracted lately.
Yeah, I've noticed.
Ever since we got home from the hospital, I have to remind you to do everything.
Lay out my clothes for me, brush my hair, find money to put in the Broadway bucket, don't forget to clap for me after I'm done doing things I'm sorry, I'm in love! What? You're in love? With who? [CHUCKLES] Uh No No You I said it's time for phase Love.
You heard me wrong when you heard me say "I'm in love.
" Okay.
So, what exactly is the Love phase? Oh! Uh [CHUCKLES] What exactly is the Love phase? What exactly is the Love phase? Well Oh Uh We need you to fall in love with someone.
Oh! [SNORTS] Easy.
And lucky for you, Joey Graceffana just fell right into our laps.
Celebrity power couples are even better than legends.
No, no.
Oh.
I already have a boyfriend.
[LAUGHS] Oh Miranda, my sweet silly little girl, no.
No, no, no.
Uncles don't count.
[GASPS] A runaway.
Come here, little guy.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Have a seat, we're going for a ride.
Excuse me, Uncle Jim.
I have to go glue this snail back on a frame.
Don't we all, Miranda? Don't we all? [GRUNTS] Ow! This is taking forever! [PANTING] Ow! Come on, up we go! Okay.
[GRUNTS] Dang it.
[STRAINING] [WHIMPERS] Patrick! [SHRIEKS] Patrick! Thank you for letting me buy this stuff back.
Oh, it's no problem.
Where's the appearing cane? Oh That, I couldn't locate it.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, well, at least I got the outfit back.
I'm gonna miss it.
[CHUCKLES] Maybe someday I could wear it again, if you ever need, like, a magic partner.
Please take that off.
[GRUNTS] What do you think? Maybe? Don't you like it? Patrick! [PANTING] [GIGGLES] What the heck? [GRUNTS] [GRUNTING] Get out I'm sorry.
[STUTTERS] I - I already have a magic partner.
- Oh [STUTTERS] I didn't realize.
This is hers.
Just let me know if you ever change your mind.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Oh, Jim.
- Let's give this thing a shot.
I told you.
Bethany, will you go on a date with me? We can't.
Fine.
[SIGHS] What are you doing? - Knock, knock? - Who's there? [JIM] Mr.
Foot.
Stop it.
[CHUCKLES] It tickles.
- Feels good.
- [CHUCKLES] [BOTH EXCLAIM] [MIRANDA CRYING] What is wrong with me? [SOBBING] First, I lose my kidney, and now this? Miranda, I was looking through all my stuff, and Are you okay? What do you want, Emily? I forgot I drew you this picture while you were in surgery.
Oh, really? You're gonna bring up that I had a surgery, and now I'm a cripple? Real classy, Emily.
Don't call your sister a cripple, Emily.
No, I'm just trying to say thanks for what you did for Mom.
You are so insensitive to bring this up while I'm already having a horrible day.
I saw Patrick cheating on me, and now Mom is breathing close to me with horrible breath.
Oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
I can breathe away from you.
Yes, please breathe away from me.
- Patrick cheated on you? - Yes.
Why are you rubbing that in, too? Mom, she's looking at me.
Make her stop looking at me.
Emily, seriously! Stop looking at your sister.
- Mom! - She gave me a kidney.
You know what? Fine.
[MIRANDA] Come on, I can still smell your breath.
- Breathe away from me, please.
- [BETHANY GROANS] [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [BICYCLE BELL RINGING] How do you walk in these shoes? - I didn't know you had genu valgum.
- I don't.
Well, you probably shouldn't wear them too much because it can mess up your spine.
Aw.
How cute.
You and your little girlfriend have matching shoes.
He's not my girlfriend.
Two fudge bars, please.
- Dang it! - [GROANS] You're both buttheads! You're just jealous because you don't have cool shoes with brown streaks like us.
Buttheads! Yeah, right! [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [BICYCLE BELL RINGS] Um The usual? One Froze Toes coming up.
[MIRANDA] Oh Do you like my new shoes? They're so much better than those old stupid shoes I wasted so much valuable time on.
What? [CHUCKLES] Oops! Sorry.
Did I do something wrong? You know what you did! [WHIMPERS] - [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] - [MIRANDA] Uncle Jim! Let's go get Joey Graceffanicefa.
Love always prevails.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Oh What, Patrick? I was just looking for Miranda.
Well, she's not here.
Understood.
[SIGHS] It's just Miranda was acting really, um I don't want to say mean, maybe bitter towards me earlier today, and I just I can't I can't I don't know how to make her feel better.
Miranda's always mean.
Well, I didn't say mean.
But, yes, more than usual today.
Well, maybe that's because she saw you with another girl yesterday.
Another girl? Amanda.
- So, it's true.
- No.
No, no Uh I mean, I was taking off her outfit, but No, no, no, no, no Where's Miranda? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Awesome, thank you so much.
It was so lovely meeting you.
Okay, Miranda.
Now is the time to strike.
You have Joey Graceffana all to yourself.
It's just you and him, and a bunch of fans and a security guard and me.
Look, I'm right here.
Okay? Conditions are perfect.
Now, fall in love with the man of your dreams.
Awesome.
Thank you Oh! Hi! Oh, you like saying hi, do you? [CHUCKLES] What? - Hit it! - [DRUM ROLL] And I am tell - [MUSIC STARTS PLAYING] - Telling you I'm not going - You're the best man I'll ever know - Ever know There's no way I can ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, not living without you And you, you're going to love me Let's take a picture! Yeah.
I know the feeling.
He's falling in love with Miranda.
- [PATRICK] Who is that guy? - [JIM] Joey Graceffanina.
They are gonna be a power couple.
The likes of which we have never seen on Earth.
[SHAKILY] I have to go talk to her.
Oh! Ah! Are you crazy? Right now, there is nothing between her and the fame she deserves.
Don't be a butthead, Patrick.
- What? - A [BOY] Buttheads! Yeah, right! [SIGHS] Thanks for sticking up for me.
You could put your cool shoes back on now, if you want.
No, I think I'll wear these from now on.
[SUCKING] Ah, delicious.
[POP ECHOES] You're going to love - [MIRANDA VOCALIZING] - Whoa.
Where are you going? A long time ago I fell in love with a little girl who gave up her shoes for me.
Now I have to sacrifice what I've always wanted for her.
Wait.
Are you trying to tell me you're wearing little girl shoes? Me [VOCALIZING] - [WHEEZES] - [ALL CLAP] [CHUCKLES] Bravo.
Bravo.
Wow! [CHUCKLES] That was interesting.
Very You're very talented.
- Thank you.
[CHUCKLES] - Yeah.
So, now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, you can listen to me sing anytime you want.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Boyfriend and girlfriend? For the rest of our lives, it's just you and me, baby.
Oh! [LAUGHS] I don't even know your name, though, so how can we be I am Miranda.
Nice to meet you.
- Kiss, milady.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] I tweeted you.
Did you get my tweet? - [LAUGHS] No.
- Okay.
Uh, but, yeah, it was so nice meeting you.
Um - [MIRANDA] This is a nice hug.
- It was lovely meeting you, Mariah.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Is this your dad? Meeting the parents.
See that, Patrick? [SIGHS] Hello.
Hello.
Hmm Ta-da! What is that? I saw this in one of those magazines that you're always reading.
I think these are supposed to be peacock feathers, but luckily for me, there is a deadly seagull virus going around, so - [CHUCKLES] - Well, that was very thoughtful.
You know, I saw Miranda fall in love today, and it was one of the most powerful experiences that I've ever had, and it made me realize that you can't plan love.
I mean, in her case, we did, but for the most part, the heart wants what the heart wants.
- And life is short, Bethany.
- Okay.
[GASPS] You'll go on a date with me? - Yes.
Yes.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] But the girls can't find out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, well, uh [CHUCKLES] I present this to you, and I guess that's that's that.
I'll just pick you up tomorrow for dinner.
Okay, Jim.
- Oh No.
I put a lot of lotion.
- Mmm.
[KISSES LOUDLY] - Mmm.
I can taste it.
It's okay.
- Okay.
- Tastes like lotion.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night, Jim.
[JIM GRUNTS] [BREATHES DEEPLY] [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Maybe one of us should sleep on the couch tonight.
- That's a good idea.
Yes.
- Okay.
- That's a good idea.
Yeah.
- That's good.
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
[EXHALES] [JIM MOANS] [EXCLAIMS] - [CONTINUES EXCLAIMING] - Okay.
Hey.
You okay? Yes.
Obviously.
Great.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] [MIRANDA SNIFFLING] Hey.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I'm here if you need to talk about anything.
You know that, right? [SNIFFLES] Okay.
[SNIFFLES] [BREATHES DEEPLY] [GRUNTS AND SNIFFLES] [AMANDA OVER PHONE] Hey, Patrick, it's it's me I mean, it's Amanda.
I'm going sparring this weekend at Armor-geddon, and I have an extra guest pass, because I'm a member.
Anyway, if you know how to use that two-handed broadsword I saw on your wall, maybe you'd wanna go with me? Or not.
It's just a suggestion.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I'll be wielding a pretty deadly weapon, if you want to plan accordingly.
Let me know.
Okay, bye.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]