Haters Back Off (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

makeen the news

Well, that was just great.
What a great and fun video.
Did you actually like it, or are you just saying that because she gave you a kidney? I don't even know anymore.
Whoa! 162,000 views? I only watched it four times, so the rest of those must be Jim.
Hello.
Sorry to interrupt your slumber party, but I'm just here to tell you that I'm having an emergency and I will be in the bathroom, making a huge mess in there and be in there for a long time, so nobody come in there.
There's no suspicious activity going on in the bathroom.
Good day.
I should probably get the matches.
Bethany! Oh, gosh, that was quick.
Here, Jim, I have the Oh! Oh! Hello, milady.
And welcome to our first date.
Oh.
Oh, my Oh, my goodness.
Uh Is that my robe? I don't know.
-Is it? -Yes.
-Bethany, just close the door.
-Oh, okay, okay.
Sorry.
I've reserved us a table for two at Le Tub.
Aw, it's beautiful.
But not as beautiful as your face and your hair and your eyes and nose and mouth and eyebrows, and this part and that part and down there.
And dedication to your family, Bethany.
That was such a specific compliment.
Would you like to sit against the spigot or the mildew stain? I would like mildew stain.
Dang it! Okay.
Yes, milady.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Porcelain.
-Ah, it's a little sticky.
-Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh! Mmm? Mmm.
What a wonderful first date we're having.
Magical.
Is this safe? It's not safe.
-It's very dangerous.
-Oh.
Okay.
-Oh, my goodness, that scared me! -That scared me! That's the funniest thing to ever happen ever! - I forgot.
Oh! - Okay.
-Oh.
-Mmm.
Boner petite.
Excuse me? It's French for little hot dog.
Oh! Thank you.
-No, no, no.
-No? Like they do in France.
-Oh.
-Come here.
Oh, okay.
Hey, is there something burning in here? Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm in love with your mother! Jim! Oh, ma'am.
Can I interest you in an old chicken bone with a cotton swab stuck to it? No? Only $300.
Cheapskate.
Hey.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
I'm on the phone with my boyfriend.
So I'll just be a minute.
Oh, my sweet baby.
You're the best boyfriend in the whole world, Joey Graceffanisfca.
You're so sexy and amazing and handsome and funny.
Oh! He just told me a really funny joke.
It's about you.
Well, anyways, I gotta go.
There's a really annoying customer watching me right now.
Super-creepy so No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you-- My friend Sally and I are going to the pool.
Wanna come? I was just on the phone with my boyfriend.
And my best friend, Sally.
So can I help you? Did you want to buy something? No, I'm actually just here to talk to Mr.
Uncle Jim so Okay, no customers allowed inside the house, please.
Thank you.
Besides, Uncle Jim just announced his morning poo, so he'll be very busy for a while.
Can I take a message? Yeah.
I wanted to tell him that I am stepping down from my position as your roadie.
Oh.
Well, that's great, 'cause we were gonna fire you anyway.
So that worked out nicely, didn't it? Okay.
Wait! I need your help to build my theme park.
Good luck, Miranda.
Psych! I don't need you! I can build a theme park without you! It'll be even better than anything you could do! You'll see! Let's do our nails and talk about our crushes.
Life is good.
Sometimes when a mom and an uncle, you know, they share a tiny bed together, they can, um They develop feelings.
-Yeah.
-Deep down in their groins.
No, "loins," Jim.
"Loins.
" Oh, "loins," right.
I said "groins," but I meant to be telling you about our loins-- Please stop talking.
I just want you to know, you don't have to call me Daddy yet.
You can call me Uncle Daddy for a few weeks.
And I'll call you my niece-daughter.
Oh, my God.
Look, I know I can't stop you guys from doing this.
But you cannot let Miranda find out.
She'll make our lives miserable.
More miserable.
Emily is right.
All right, all right.
The most responsible thing to do is just continue to live in fear of what Miranda thinks of our decisions.
So what do we do? Just keep quiet.
No matter what happens, act natural.
Uncle Jim! Mom! We need to build the theme park right now! Oh! That sounds like a great idea! Doesn't it, everyone? Everyone in the room? Great! I'll get started on the rides.
God! What was that, Emily? You didn't even try to act natural! You ruined it! You're a terrible actress! Okay, almost done.
Okay.
Got the shape.
Put on my lips, eyeballs, hair.
Perfect.
Uncle Jim, does it look like me? - Hello? - What? -Hey, hello.
Yes.
-Yes.
Which one's me, which one's the cardboard cutout? -Um -Oh, uh, the monster is you.
No, I'm me.
Got ya! What's next? Oh, I know.
Bumper cars.
She's onto us.
We gotta go somewhere else.
-Follow my lead.
-Okay.
Okay.
Bethany, uh, I need to go someplace else for reasons.
- Will you help me? - Of course I will.
- Up, up, out.
- Up, okay.
Okay.
All right, let's test it out.
Honey, I'm home! Dad! So good to see you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You remember what I used to tell you.
-"Don't smother, hover.
" -"smother, hover.
" Yes, like this.
Okay.
There you go.
See? Anticipation is always better than affection.
I love you.
And I'm your dad.
Okay, I think that's enough.
Just close your eyes.
-Yes.
-There you go.
This is nice.
It's really nice.
You smell great.
Like musty air.
I wanna kiss you.
I wanna kiss you.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Oh.
Where is the wine? -Kelly? -Kelly! - Oh! - Kelly! It is you! Get over here! Brother hug! Hey, Jim, don't wrinkle the jacket.
It's Peruvian wool from Italy.
Okay.
Well, brother handshake.
No, actually, I just put some expensive lotions on my hands, so Ooh, yeah.
No, I get it.
I have expensive lotions all over.
Maybe later we can hug and touch hands.
I couldn't find any wine, but we have some milk.
Oh, there she is.
All these years later.
She's beautiful, she's talented, and she's famous worldwide.
I did a good job raising her, just like you asked.
What are you talking about? Well, you said, "Take care of her for me.
" -I was talking about my Fiero.
-Oh.
See, Mom? I told you he'd come back for me.
My favorite daughter.
-Dad.
-Dad! Oh, you missed me.
Here, here, just let me get in it.
- Can you just-- - We're hugging.
Kelly, what are you doing here? Oh, he came to see me! Well, Emily gave me a call and said she was ready for her gallery show.
So I set up an appointment for later this afternoon.
Oh, and also he's here to see me.
-Wait, really? -Absolutely.
This gallery is gonna be a huge success.
People are paying a lot of money for art that's not even half as good as yours.
Speaking of money, Bethany, I still haven't received the alimony check.
Well I've just been behind a little with my finances because all the hospital bills started coming in and-- Hospital bills? Oh, Bethany, I'm so sorry.
That's really gonna affect my credit score.
Bethany, we don't want to affect Kelly's credit score.
It looks like you're just gonna have to take on more shifts at work.
Jim! I just had surgery.
I don't know if my kidney can handle it.
Oh, well, it's my kidney, so it can definitely handle it.
Good! Okay, everyone! Bethany will just work longer and harder, and Kelly's credit score will be fine.
Hey, Jim.
Jacket.
- Oh, Peruvian wool, right? - Mmm-hmm.
-You can hover on it.
He likes that.
-Oh, you like this? -I don't necessarily like that.
-No, you said.
You said, "hover.
" -It's better than touching.
-See? Wow.
You really know your way around a medieval torture implement, Patrick.
Thank you.
Well, if I hadn't been wearing armor, I'm fairly certain your last strike would've severed my subclavian artery.
Oh.
I would have bled out in under a minute.
Oh, that's really sweet of you to say.
I'm, uh I'm glad you finally agreed to go on this date with me.
Oh, I didn't realize Yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
Kelly.
Oh! What a coincidence, huh? We're both in this garage at the same time.
Stop following me, Jim.
Oh, sorry.
Don't want to disturb you at work.
-I'll just watch you in silence.
-Yeah.
You'd buy this painting for 800 bucks, right? Hmm Needs more brown.
Oh.
Oh! Look at this.
How embarrassing.
You weren't supposed to see this.
This is from a date I was on, just this morning.
With my girlfriend.
You must be pretty proud of me, huh? Are you kidding me, Jim? No, I'm not kidding.
I have a girlfriend.
-You finally have a girlfriend? -Ow! Yes, I have a girlfriend.
Oh! I thought when you joined Color Guard, all hope was lost.
Then you picked up that ribbon dancing thing.
If some girl's into you, she must be freaky.
What kind of stuff are you guys into? Oh, mostly just get lost in each other's eyes.
No, I mean, physically.
Oh, uh, no, no, we haven't kissed or anything yet.
But, uh, we've had whispered conversations.
Very close.
If you haven't kissed a girl, she's not your girlfriend.
Okay, Jim? Look it up.
I need to kiss her.
I need to kiss her.
Perfect.
Loop-de-loop.
Mmm-hmm.
Set this up over there.
-Miranda.
Can I ask you a question? -Okay.
Okay.
If I was a guy and you were a girl, what kind of kisses would you like? Wet ones.
Wet ones, yes.
Wet ones would be perfect.
Okay.
Thank you, I have to skedaddle.
Aren't you gonna help me with the roller coaster? -I have to get cement.
-Cement? For your, uh, statue.
For your statue.
- A statue? - With a big head and everything.
-Oh, can I come? -Uh, no.
No.
Oh, okay.
But you'll be back to help me with the roller coaster, right? Oh.
Oh, Dad, wanna help me build the roller coaster for Miranda World? Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll be right back.
Okay, great.
-Right back.
So, like, five minutes or-- -Five or ten.
Five or ten.
So one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Now? Okay.
I'll just wait here for you.
I'll just be here waiting.
Jim? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be home, acting natural.
I'm tired of acting natural.
I wanna act totally unnatural with you, Bethany.
Oh, my word.
-I hope you like your kisses wet.
-Oh! Oh, Jim.
What's gotten into you? My brother.
So I think we should set a price point at 700 per.
That's dollars.
Per painting.
-I'm afraid I'm not interested.
-What? These paintings are clearly the work of a novice.
Yes, there's a certain unrefined charm beneath all the layers of insecurity, but, truth be told, these pieces are prosaic, derivative, and frankly not nearly as arresting as you promised.
I never said that they were arresting.
I said that they were sexy.
They're not that, either.
-Excuse me? -Dad, it's okay.
My daughter has obvious talent.
She is special.
And if you can't see that, then I feel sorry for you, pal.
My sister told me you'd do this.
Oh, she's just mad at me 'cause I dumped her.
She broke up with you.
We're done here because, obviously, this guy has no taste or vision, and based on his sister's body, he probably has weird moles all over his back.
Thanks for nothing, Carl.
"Not sexy"? Nobody talks to my daughter that way! That's a loop-de-loop.
No.
Dang it.
Okay.
Dang it! Stay in the ground.
Dang it! It's so nice to finally get some alone time with you.
I know.
No one ever finds me when I'm back here doing this.
Wait, what? What does that mean? No, no, just kiss me.
Just kiss me.
Never mind.
I didn't say it.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay, okay.
I hope you like gluten-sensitive cuisine.
Oh, sounds exotic and safe.
Oh, Patrick! Fancy meeting you here.
That's crazy.
Just shopping for some seeds and some sausage.
My daily sausage shop.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to your little friend? -Uh -Oh, hi.
I'm Amanda.
Are you? Yeah.
- What was your name, again? - Amanda.
I'm Amanda, yeah.
It's really hard to pronounce.
Do you mind if I just call you A or Ah? Or just like Miranda, please.
Oh, you're Miranda? Oh, my gosh! It's so nice to finally meet you.
Patrick talks about you all the time.
Oh, he does, does he? -Yeah.
-Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm? Yeah, he thinks you're great.
Yeah, well, he should think I'm great.
I have my own theme park.
Would a not-great person have their own theme park? No.
You have your own theme park? It's called Miranda World.
It's a huge deal.
It's opening this week in my front yard, so Oh, that's neat.
I thought you meant like a real theme park, like It is a real theme park.
Yep, it's been on the news and everything.
Everyone's talking about it, so it's real.
It's a real theme park.
Yeah, I think we're gonna go, so Oh, uh, no, wait, wait! Um No, if you just wait around, I'm sure you'll hear it on the news.
Stay right there.
Just wait there for one minute.
I can feel it.
It's gonna come on the news in just a minute.
Attention.
Attention, everybody.
This is the news.
Just wanna let you all know that Miranda World, a real theme park, is opening up this week.
It's on the news.
I don't think that's the news.
I don't think that's the news either.
-Don't worry.
I know just what to do.
-Okay.
-Mmm! -Oh! Wow! That was a wet one.
The weather forecast today is Miranda World opens this week.
Come to Miranda World, a real theme park that is really real.
So this is the news, and Miranda World is the real thing-- Hello? Oh.
Hello, this is the real news.
Miranda, get off the intercom! This has been the news.
Uncle Jim, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be getting cement.
It's not Uncle Jim, Miranda.
This is the news.
Quit pretending to be the news.
There can only be one news.
Uh, no, this is the actual news.
Jim, get off of the intercom.
You get off the intercom, Bethany.
No, you get off of the intercom.
Thank you for listening to the news.
Please go home.
Thank you very much.
Hang up.
No, that is not the news, I'm the news.
And come to Miranda World, everybody.
Ma'am, can you put that down, please? No, stop it! No, wait! Get off! Don't touch me.
Oh, my God, you're that girl from YouTube.
See? Did you hear that? The girl from YouTube.
Famous.
It's official.
Amanda Sings, right? No, I'm not Amanda.
That's Amanda! Could I get your autograph? No! God dang it! Enough of this.
Come down from there.
-No, get away from me! -Right now! Okay, everybody! This is the news.
Free groceries for anybody who goes to Miranda World.
-Get 'em now! Free groceries! -No, no, no, no, no! Stop! No free groceries! Stop! This has been the news.
Get the pasghetti bits.
They're on sale for free! Come down from there.
No.
Stop it! Get off.
No.
No.
Falling, I'm falling! No! Is she okay? -Oh, Miranda.
Jim, help her! -Oh, Miranda.
Oh, my goodness.
It looks like she's being taken care of.
- Oh, Jim, help her.
Jim.
- Miranda.
Oh, my goodness, are you okay? Did Patrick see me fall? Did he look worried? Honey, we're all worried.
Yes, he's worried.
Are you okay? I'm great.
Bethany? You're fired.
No, you can't fire me.
-I need this job.
-Go.
I could Just out of curiosity, how long does that free grocery promotion go on for? Well? What do you think? It's the start of your new art gallery.
Your art is so good we could sell it anywhere.
-Thanks, Dad.
-Yeah.
Well, let's get the rest of this crap in the house.
So, as you can see, I was on my way to get cement when I heard your news report.
It's a good thing I did because I was there to help.
On my way getting cement, which is what I was doing.
I was getting cement.
Yeah.
Mom, you got a letter from eviction.
Eviction? We only have two weeks to pay the rent.
Two weeks? That's plenty of time to get Miranda World up and running.
Our money problems are solved! Let's go.