Heels (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

Heavy Heads

- [STACI] Previously on Heels
- [ACE] Hey!
- You okay?
- I sprained my ankle.
I left the DWL because
no one really likes me.
I'm gone because any other promotion
would've run me out of town.
We're not any other promotion.
I'm sorry I put the DWL first.
I'm sorry I kept your son from you.
- Can I stay here?
- Of course.
Uhh! Ahh!
Y'all got to watch this.
[ANCHOR] Shocking video has surfaced
of NFL linebacker Chris DeLeo
assaulting his wife.
This follows a disturbing trend
of athletes and domestic violence
We need a women's division.
We can't have Crystal
getting beat on each week
by every man on our roster
and vice versa,
she can't run through everyone.
It's a nice little story.
We've pulled it off this far,
but it's not sustainable.
You help me restore my honor in the ring
with a cross-promotion
between the DWL and Dystopia
or I hit you back and
take everything you got.

[SINGER] I'm not waiting for ♪
The answer ♪

I will ♪
Walk in the shore ♪
To find you ♪
To find ♪
The peace that's your own ♪
Where you come from ♪
All that you want ♪

One that's your own ♪
Place to call home ♪
Won't be ♪
Granted ♪
What is fair in love ♪
Is fair in war ♪

What is fair in love ♪
Is fair in war ♪
One ♪
To one ♪
What's love ♪
In war? ♪


[SINGER] When the sun arose ♪
This morning ♪
- [SINGER] God didn't smile ♪
- Hi.
- [SINGER] He didn't smile on me ♪
- Hey.

[SINGER] I was all alone ♪
I had no one ♪
You have time for lunch?
If that's some kind of
metaphor, I'd love to say yes.
But I've got the county
people coming by Leckie,
and then I got a meeting with
Laurie about the Gully thing.
[CLEARS THROAT] Don't worry,
initial consultation's free.
I'm not worried.
You decide what you're gonna do?
Willie thinks if I turn down
Gully's offer,
I'll lose in court
or we'll get tied up so long,
we go bankrupt. Bill kind of agrees.
- They're probably not wrong.
- I know they're not wrong.
I just don't want them to be right.
What do you think?
[SIGHS] Jack,
there's a time if you'd lost the DWL,
I wouldn't have minded,
but it'd devastate you.
Also, we'd probably
have to sell the house
end up living with your mother.
[LAUGHS] No, that's not
that's not gonna happen.
I know.
Jack, I'm not trying
to be a Pollyanna here,
but have you considered maybe
just apologizing to Gully?
Man-to-man, saying, "Sorry
I let things get out of hand.
Can we resolve this another way?"
Well, he's given no indication
he's that kind of guy,
but yeah. I mean, man-to-man.
I should. That's elementary.
- Hmm.
- Obvious.
And yet, I need you to point it out.
Thank you.
- Hmm?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought he was out back.
You didn't check?
I was a little focused on you.
It's so embarrassing.
Don't worry, I didn't overhear you two
not doing whatever
it was you were doing.
Thought you'd gone out.
[ACE] Where would I go? Piggly Wiggly?
Sit on the roof of the courthouse,
waving my arms for everybody to see?
I'm supposed to be a thousand
miles away from here.
Brand-new life.
Didn't even make it to Louisiana.
I know you're trying
to figure things out.
[JACK] There is a place for you here.
The DWL was always supposed to be
the two of us working together.
Not according to Dad.
Well, I'm talking about us.
Wrestling'd just be getting on
the same treadmill
that put me here.
[JACK] Not if we really
did things together this time.
The two of us. Even Steven.
You'd still be you. I'd still be me.
My whole life, I had dad's plan,
then I had your plan.
I need my own plan that puts
wrestling behind me.
[JACK] Okay.
What can I do to help?
I just
I just need to stay here
a couple more days.
Whoa. [GROANS]
- Damn.
- [LAUGHS] Holy shit!
She's muscular.
And fast.
[DIEGO] And skilled.
Hey, I give up. I give up. I give up.
- That's right.
- Oh.
[GROANS] You still got it, girl.
Really? It feels like you lost a step.
- Feels less impressive.
Crystal, come on up. Meet Elle Dorado.
Mountain of pure gold.
- Real name's Tanya.
- Hi.
Jack told me you needed
somebody to wrestle this week,
so I made a phone call
and retained the services
of this incomparable lady.
Welcome. Glad you're here.
Let's get after it.
My bad. I won't throw the elbow so hard.
My grip wasn't solid.
to snatch at Elle's wrist.
Let her come to you.
Maybe whip into a cross-body this time.
Okay. From the headlock?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
All right, hey, no shame. No shame.
This y'all's first dance together.
Y'all want to try it without the whip?
If we can't land the spot now,
how are we gonna land it
15 minutes into the match
when we're both exhausted?
We could simplify.
Go with the clothesline.
You nail me. I take the bump.
No, we-we don't need to simplify.
Hey, Elle's only here to put you over.
I can do the spot.
Just same again.
[GULLY] Well look at that, he showed up.
I appreciate your willingness
to find a way forward
without suing me,
but a cross-promotional card
between the DWL and the FWD
is a bad idea.
I think it's a good idea.
[JACK] You have your brand of wresting,
and it's violent and it's transgressive
and it's a whole bunch of
things that the DWL is not.
Your guys are smashing each other
with fluoro-tubes and barbed wire.
My guys
they're focused on
storytelling and character.
Yeah, I'm not asking you
to cartwheel to the moon.
It's a onetime card.
Your people versus my people.
Okay? We do a whole buildup
about the grudge
between the two promotions.
I've already told you,
the most viewed video
on our Instagram page is
you punching me in the face.
So we have an obligation to
follow through on that setup.
Yeah, it's just not that simple.
What's going on here, Jack?
I-I-I feel that olive branch
tickling my taint.
[ROOSTER] Jack went to his lawyer
and Jack's lawyer said
he wouldn't win in court.
And now he trying
to wiggle out from under.
[SIGHS] I know
that I owe you an apology
for coming to your place
and punching you.
- So I am sorry.
- [GULLY] "I'm sorry.
I'm sorry".
People say those words like
vocalizing that particular
string of vowels and consonants
is all that matters.
- [GULLY] "I'm sorry".
Wow, that changes everything.
You punched me
on camera at my own promotion
in front of a crowd
conditioned to shout,
"Gully is God", which means
that you punched God.
Which kind of violates the whole
narrative character construction of God.
May I shuttle in some
diplomacy in this bitch?
Jack, this is good business.
Now, I understand that
you got some momentum,
but FWD has a bigger fanbase,
bigger arena,
and bigger social media.
We giving you access to all of that.
[JACK] Yeah, that's if
there's a good story,
but if the rest of it sucks,
nobody wins.
Jack, it's wrestling. It's not Faulkner.
Oh, well, he wants it to be.
I don't care, okay, Jack?
You've already admitted
that I have you over a barrel.
Okay? Your punch means
that I can file my lawsuit
and take your promotion at any time.
I don't want to do that, okay?
If you'd just do this cross-promotion,
the slate is wiped clean.
Your debt is paid.
We can move on from each other.
There is only one goal here:
to turn your punch
from a shoot into a work
so that my character is restored
to its rightful authority.
So that is what we are going to do.
Now, I will leave it
to you two professionals
to work out the details.
My daughter just won
an academic scholarship
to Notre Dame, so I promised
her we'd go get sushi.
There's a sentence
my parents never said.
Put dinner on my tab.
[JACK] I can't believe
you fuckin' work with that guy.
Ah, men with big egos don't scare me.
I worked with you.
Look, if we're gonna do this, we need
We're doing this.
I don't know what the story is.
Sure you do. You practically wrote it
longhand while you was
bitching to Gully.
It's a brand war.
[ROOSTER] Your style
versus Gully's style.
He's your villain, you're his,
and the fans get to pick sides.
And you get to yell out
all the nasty shit you feel
about Dystopia out loud.
Yeah, but who wins?
To be determined.
Uh, probably a split decision.
Something that everyone
can go home happy.
It's not gonna pop.
Because we both gonna be
yelling into the void.
Our fans are only going to hear our side
and your people are
only gonna hear yours.
[ROOSTER] You're right.
That's why I'm coming in
as FWD's ambassador
the voice of the enemy inside DWL.
How'd I know you were
gonna give yourself
a starring role in all this?
I knew y'all wouldn't gonna give me one.
It's a every-man-for-hisself
type of world.
[DIEGO] Yo, I did one of those,
you know, online master classes
with one of them,
you know, action directors
from, you know,
the action movies and shit.
And he was saying if you really
wanna convey pain, you gotta
set it up with want and need.
And so, yeah,
I was thinking want and needs
got to go more into
the stories, you know?
Yeah, Diego, trying to follow
your train of thought
is like trying to fuck a kangaroo
in the cone of a tornado.
[DIEGO] Huh.
Uh, did you call Man-Beast Magoo about
doing the podcast
while we're at the convention?
[SIGHS] Alvin? No.
But he doesn't commit
to anything till last minute.
It's gonna be so cool.
When I was a kid in Miami,
I saw him eat the stuffing
out of all four turnbuckles.
What you didn't see was him backstage
barfing those turnbuckles back up.
- No way.
- That shit's not gonna digest.
[DIEGO LAUGHS] I was looking at
the Super-Fan website [CLEARS THROAT]
It said the Texas Slinger was
gonna be at the convention too.
- Jimmy-John?
- [DIEGO] Uh-huh.
Yeah, if he's sober,
we'll get him for the podcast.
Man, I love that old promo
where he smashed you
with the guitar. [LAUGHS]
Man, I'll bet you guys had some times.
Yeah, and I remember 'em all. Sorta.
I totally used to want one of these.
You could never find them.
[WILD BILL] Distribution problem.
They only pushed
certain parts of the line.
Hey, you're not gonna be
some gushing fanboy all day, are you?
- No. I
- Because this is work.
Mistake most wrestlers make
is they treat these conventions
as a ego stroke.
The status of my ego is irrelevant.
The goal for the day is
the cathartic validation of the fan.
The happier the fan,
the more money they spend,
of which I get a defined percentage.
Fifty percent of autographs,
100% of all personalized merchandise.
Ooh. Can I have one of these too?
I passed out on the floor
and you left me down here all night?
[TED] Yup.
[WILLIE] Good. Don't ever pick me up
if I'm on the floor.
I deserve it.
Oh, I think I might throw up.
You already did. All over the bathroom.
[WILLIE] Oh, God, I'll clean it.
Yes, you will.
I'll tell Robin you're sleeping in.
Hey, Staci, I hate to ask you,
but Willie's AWOL.
Could you could you handle
the beer delivery?
Yeah, I can do it.
I'd reschedule,
but I gotta shoot an offsite,
or we'll be dry this week.
I'm happy to help.
I just have to get Thomas
to his appointment at the therapist.
[JACK] Hey, why don't you have Thomas
hang with Ace after school.
It'd be good for both of them.
Get Ace out the garage.
[STACI] Good idea. See you soon.
So my tooth hits this girl
right in the skull.
[BOBBY PIN] Got your speech?
I'm not making a speech.
Yeah, Jack's gonna let you
make a speech.
It's your picture on the wall.
He's forcing you to surrender the belt.
The national call to action
on domestic violence
is forcing me to surrender
the belt, not Jack.
[JACK] Hey, everybody, gather around.
Come on now.
For as long as there has been a DWL,
photos of our champions
have lined this wall
whether they held the belt
for a couple of years,
a few months, or just a few days.
Crystal Tyler,
you deserve to be up here.
- [WRESTLER] Good work.
- Thank you.
Forgot my fancy dress. [CHUCKLES]
[JACK] Okay, now, uh,
I can spend a lot of time
explaining why, but, uh
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it.
The DWL and Florida Wrestling Dystopia
are going to be doing a cross-
promotional card next month.
Oh, criminy Dutch.
Oh, come on, Jack. Really?
I know. I get it.
Gully's a fucking cunt.
Good God, Jim. What's gotten into you?
Can't go just droppin' hard Cs
with women present.
No, it-it's okay, Ricky.
I agree with Jim.
I don't know the guy,
but I'll take your word for it.
I know it's not the easiest fit.
Okay? But Dystopia,
they got a bigger fanbase,
they got more resources,
and we are going to
tap into all of that.
So from here on out
is all hands on deck.
Jim, Bobby, Ricky get in your gear.
Thirty minutes outside,
we're gonna shoot an offsite.
Okay? We're gonna kick off
this storyline just right.
That-that's it. T-that's all.
[RICKY RABIES] To-Tobar, hey. Hey.
Hey, Jack, real quick.
You said all hands on deck.
This here Tobar.
He working on an Olivia Newton-John
"Let's Get Physical" type thing.
Might be something you're
interested in for the offsite.
Right. No. Okay.
Better luck next time, kid.
Let's go.
Dust off that Dracula, a'ight?
So you need me for the offsite?
I need you here. I want
you to work with Elle.
We're breaking out the new women's belt.
I want your match to pop.
It will. Elle's a pro.
So are you.
Things goes well,
we'll bring her back here,
we'll build her up
into a real rival for you.
You get the 5% off sexy discount inside.
Well, all right.
I thought they'd have bigger signs
and, like, those velvet ropes.
you get what you get at these things.
Still it should garner
solid foot traffic
along the edge between
pretzels and the restrooms.
- Let's set up shop.
[SINGER] I'm gonna need
someone to help me ♪
I'm gonna need somebody's hand ♪
I'm gonna need someone ♪
- [SINGER] To hold me down ♪
- Enjoy.
I'm gonna need someone to care ♪
- [SINGER] I'm gonna ride ♪
- Wow.
[SINGER] And shake my body ♪
I start pulling out my hair ♪
I'm gonna cover myself
with the ashes of you ♪
And nobody's gonna give a damn ♪
Give me this. Whoo.
[SINGER] Son of a bitch ♪
Give me a drink ♪
One more night ♪
This can't be me ♪
Son of a bitch ♪
[SINGER] If I can't get clean ♪
Who's next? Oh, my.

Bottoms up.
[SINGER] Whoa, whoa ♪
Whoa ♪
- [SINGER] Whoa ♪
Hey, Dad, let's roll one.
[DAD] You got it.
I have never been a gentle man.
I never been a gentleman either.
I'm a bad guy,
but I'm your bad guy.
I know what you know.
I know who's winning in this country
and who's taking a beat down.
So when Charlie Gully and
his team of corporate lawyers
threaten me with a lawsuit
trying to destroy my family business,
I said, "Hell no".
See, we live in a world
where the haves think they can
take what they want and the rest of us,
well, we'll just be overjoyed
with the crumbs that fall off the table.
To that I say, "Hell no".
Hell no to frauds like Charlie Gully
and his Dystopia Wrestling.
This a man who calls himself God.
There's only one God.
So I'm here to challenge you
to settle this beef in the ring.
One night,
one card,
your best versus my best.
Because these men behind me,
they are an army
representing all of our fans.
An army of pissed off, fed up Americans
who've had enough of the
Charlie Gullys in this world
and have said, "Hell no".
And when we're done,
I'm gonna crack a beer
and we're gonna light up some fireworks.

[JACK] Fellas,
I thought we checked those.
[RICKY RABIES] That's fine. It's fine.
We'll just massage it in post.
You ain't got nothing to worry about.
That shit was Biblical.
It was the truth.
Well, you be sure to write me
some equally Biblical truth
for me to spit in my promo Saturday.
I'll fucking write you something.
[ROOSTER] Something good.
Don't be stingy with your talent.
The better I look, the better
you look for taking me on.
[ROOSTER] What's goin' on fellas?
I got to say, your speech on
circumcision really touched me.
Like you, I was mangled in
the name of genital hygiene.
Glad I could make you feel not so alone.
I'd love to get a pic side by side,
both our junk hanging free.
Might trigger a few folks,
and I'd hate for you to feel less than,
seeing yours next to mine.
Oh, no, my wang's huge.
Meet me in the men's room.
I'll show you.
- No?
My balls are pretty big too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, it's Man-Beast and Slinger.
Grab your camera.
This'll be a good video clip.
Holy shit.
What the hell are you two wearing?
Good to see you, too, Sport-o.
No, I'm serious. You look like
you lost all your clothes
in a house fire
and picked those ones out
of a dumpster behind Kmart.
Not all of us has
got the guts to go around
muffin topping out of
stinky old leathers.
I'll have you know these pants
fit just as good
as the day you dislocated my shoulder.
Your waist does look
about the same, but
your inseam seems
to have shrunk a few inches.
No, uh, seriously.
Alvin, you're the Man-Beast.
Where's your gear?
No one wants to see me in my gear.
I only come to these things
to help out Jimmy-John.
What's wrong with him?
Left it all in the ring.
As a man should.
I bring him here, he makes some cash,
it helps him cover his bills
when he remembers he's got bills.
I wish I could forget a few of my bills.
Is that your way of saying
you ain't picking up
the check at dinner?
Oh, like you never
stuck me with a check.
Toledo, Tacoma, Tucson, Tulsa
[SHOUTING] and that's just the Ts.
[MAN] What are you looking at?
Hey, I got to say.
I been a huge fan for a long time.
I work with Bill at the DWL.
I'm a wrestler.
Anyone here recognize you?
No, I wrestle in a mask, you know?
Well, lucky you.
Harder to make money, but less hassle.
Hey, you-you want a T-shirt or a button?
I mean, I'm-I'm sure Bill'd
let you have whatever you want.
I like pepperoni.
Got to get Jimmy-John to his table.
Dinner, 8:00. We'll have a drink before.
[WILD BILL] We'll have five before,
three during, and two after.
And I'm gonna record you for my podcast.
Whatever you need, Sport-o.
Don't call me Sport-o.
I hate fucking Sport-o.
Okay, Sport-o.
You get enough for us to post a clip?
Just make sure you cut out
all that Sport-o crap.
- I hate that shit.
I can't seem to find where it
lists the total number of kegs.
Oh, um, first column
at the bottom. Total.
- Right.
Willie around?
Not at the moment. Can I help you?
Not if you can't find Willie.
You sure she's not around?
[STACI] I'm so sorry, she's not.
She leave anything for me?
If you tell me your name,
I could check her office.
Would it be, like, an envelope or?
You Jack's wife?
I am. Have we met? I'm Staci.
Nice to meet you, Staci.
I guess, Willie must've
confused the dates.
Never you mind.
You have a nice day now.
- Thanks. You too.
- Mm-hmm.
[ACE] Let's make this quick, little man.
In and out, and get us back
to the garage and the Xbox.
[THOMAS] Okay.
What flavor we getting? Red or blue?
If I get blue, Mom will see my lips
and know we got slushies.
Well, if you're worried,
we don't got to get them.
No, I'll just get red.
You know, red's not invisible.
Hey, careful with that.
It's okay. It's just
Hey, don't spill it.
Hey, grow up.
If you wanna go talk to her,
I can wait in the car while you pay.
You don't got to wait in the car.
- I'll wait in the car.
Ace, hey.
Uh, I didn't know you were back.
When-when did you get back?
Uh, just a couple days.
Jack didn't say anything.
So, uh, where'd you go?
Took the long way around to nowhere.
Fell off a cliff.
I saw the video of, uh,
you and Jack's match.
Yeah. Now I just gotta figure
out how to do it every week
against women who are
bigger and stronger and
more experienced, so
Experience is overrated.
I just got a whole bunch of it,
and it didn't leave me any better off.
No, Jack will take care of you.
He knows what he's got.
I don't know, this
this vet he had Ricky bring in,
she's only here for the week, but
she's, uh, she's good.
You're good.
I have my strengths.
We'll see if they're enough.
Come on. I'll ring you up.
You should call Big Jim and the guys.
I'm sure they'd all love to see you.
I don't really want
anyone knowing I'm back.
Uh, do me a favor. Don't say anything.
Yeah, if that's what you want.
Jack said, uh, you and Bobby
Yeah. We are.
He's a good dude.
You deserve a good dude.
Keep the change.
[ACE] Thomas.
What's wrong, buddy?
[THOMAS] I'm sorry.
I dropped it, and
a car dragged it out there.
[THOMAS] I'm sorry, uncle Ace.
It's all right, buddy.
It's just a prop.
It's Granddad's crown.
No one will even miss it.
Please don't tell Dad.
Your dad won't care. He never liked it.
I used to think it looked important,
but your dad, he was smart.
He knew it was just [SIGHS]
Fabric and plastic.
Come on. Let's go home bud.
[THOMAS] Did Granddad
ever wrestle with you?
[ACE] No.
[THOMAS] Did he wrestle with my dad?
[ACE] They'd wrestle,
but Granddad didn't like
putting people over.
He liked being the winner.
Uh, when you put someone over,
it means you get pinned.
The funny thing is
when you do put someone over
and you're laying there
on your back looking up,
half the cheers are really for you.
So it's not so bad.
When are you gonna
get back to wrestling?
When you gonna start wrestling?
[THOMAS] I don't think Dad
wants me to wrestle.
He says I'm too small.
For now, but wrestling ain't about size.
You and I could wrestle.
I'm serious.
Come on. Get up.
All right, grab my hands.
Ooh, that's right.
[GROANS] Damn, you're strong!
Ah ahh! All right, now, sling me.
Ohh! Ah
Kid's got moves. You got moves, huh?
All right.
- Hey!
- Where you going, huh?
Where you going?
That's right, circle up.
Circle up now. Oh, all right. Lock up.



[MAN-BEAST] With the kids
out of the house,
Cindy finished her degree,
and I took over running the Froyo shops,
which isn't hard if
you hire the right managers.
So it's mostly me and the dogs
and a stack of books
on medieval history.
Is this what you want, Bill?
I was hoping for something
a little more colorful,
- but we can edit it.
- Yeah.
What about the old guard?
Jeff, Jake, Sammy.
Y'all still get rowdy?
Not really.
Jeff's up in Minnesota.
Bad hips, bad knees.
Saw Jake and Sammy at Duke's funeral.
Duke was a wild man.
That show y'all put on
at the Pond was a all-timer.
[MAN-BEAST] Glad it was memorable.
I was concussed, so the whole
match is kind of a blank.
Didn't stop you from drinking 13 beers
- in the locker room.
- Again, concussed.
We kept track with a Sharpie
on our necks.
I won with 17.
When you're young,
you can do these things.
It was an amazing match.
I have it on VHS.
I'm happy to loan it to you.
I'll take your word for it.
What about Sammy and Jake?
You remember the night
the four of us hit
the dance club outside Raleigh?
Sammy and Jake get into a fistfight
over these identical twins and you say,
"Why are you fighting when you
can't even tell them apart?"
I think that was your line, Bill.
- Well, it was a good line.
Sammy and I, we trade emails.
He's been sober a couple of years.
Jake's kinda down and out.
Fused the vertebrae in his neck
and never got off the pills.
And what about you?
You keep in touch with Oppy or Mike
or anyone from the show up north?
Nah. When I had my troubles,
they all turned their back,
so fuck 'em.
[MAN-BEAST] They're good guys at heart.
It's the nature of the business.
The business to them.
My life, to me.
And that is why you made it to the top.
Now, I loved wrestling,
but when the pain got too much,
I made sure there was
something else in my life.
But you, you-you took whatever
part of you existed
outside of your gimmick
and you carved it out with a spoon.
Because I had balls.
Hundred percent,
and the proof's that you're still at it.
Me, I was happy taking
Man-Beast off and on like a cape.
You want me to stop recording?
No, it's fine.
We'll pick it up from here.
Counting in three, two, one.
So, Alvin, what you're telling me is
when your knees started to hurt,
you turned into a giant pussy
who likes dogs and Froyo,
or do I have that incorrect somehow?
Is this a bit, Sport-o?
Honest question.
'Cause if you want to do a bit
I want an answer.
I'm a happy man, Sport-o.
Most of our generation
are crippled, broken, or dead.
One way or another,
we were all addicted.
The crowd, the adrenaline,
standing in the center of that ring.
So when I see you still clawing away
on that same, damn hill, I understand.
And I cheer for you,
but I don't wish I was you.
I'm gonna hit the salad bar.
Anybody want anything?
[WILD BILL] Turn the recorder off.
- Get me another two of these.
- Waiter should be coming by.
I don't want to wait for the waiter.
Just go to the bar and get me
two goddamn martinis.
Sure. Whatever the fuck you say.
You gonna drink your martini?
You got a time table on that?
When I'm thirsty.
So there is some fight left in you.
And I ain't just
clawin' away.
I got plans
to make it all the way back to big show.
If you say.
I do. I say.
What the fuck?
Lookee here. My drink just arrived.
What you gonna do about that?
I always like seeing you, Bill.
A flamin' disgrace. The both of them.
At least Jimmy-John can blame it
on his smashed eggplant brain,
but Alvin?
He just got off the damn horse.
It's easy to get off the horse.
Anyone can get off the horse.
I ain't getting off the damn horse.
So should I get these in a go cup or
Everything in life
is a choice.
Flossing your teeth is a choice.
And if my only choice is to turn into
I still ain't getting off
the damn horse! [POUNDS TABLE]
Ready to go?
Mm. Let me finish my cheap calories
and find some ibuprofen.
You okay if I borrow,
like, a half dozen?
Yeah, take a couple for now,
a couple for later.
They're all for now.
Does a number on my stomach,
but keeps me in the ring
and out of surgery.
Is your knee that bad?
Knee, shoulder, back.
Road dogging town to town doesn't help.
Have you tried CBD?
I've tried everything short of heroin.
Acupuncture works best,
but who can afford it?
I get that.
[ELLE] I had health insurance once.
I managed to hang onto that
for, like, two whole years.
Had an apartment, a ficus.
And like most places,
they only carry two or three women,
so they run out of stories
and combinations pretty quick,
then it's off down the road.
[CRYSTAL] Well, let's run it
forwards and backwards until it pops.
Well, it's a promo.
It's a heel promo.
You're playing the heel.
I mean, I cou-I could dress this up,
but you're not exactly playing fair.
You standing on your tank,
fighting for the soul of America.
This? This-this might as well
be "See Spot Run".
I don't want to write for you at all.
I'm only doing it 'cause I have to.
Oh, poor Jack.
The only one in life forced to do shit
that he don't want to do.
Gully put a gun to my head.
Do you expect me to like it?
You think I wanted to leave DWL?
You leaving was your choice.
You didn't have to leave.
Didn't I?
It was a smart move. Got me a belt.
I got champ on all of my merch.
What? You think I didn't
have to pay a price.
You know what?
You're Yertle, Jack.
- The turtle?
- [ROOSTER] King Turtle.
Sitting on a throne held up by
a stack of other turtles,
but instead of realizing that
he's standing on the back
of 157 people,
he's pissed 'cause there's still birds
and shit still higher up.
The promo's the promo.
You polish it up if you want to.
[ROOSTER] It's your ring, Jack.
[ANCHOR] As this footage goes
we haven't seen it.
A few seconds later
[ACE] I got this idea.
It may be stupid and childish,
but childish is my specialty.
I could use some help.

Did I miss something?
Ace was here.
Oh, I didn't know he was back.
[CRYSTAL] He doesn't want
anyone to know.
Is it like a-a big deal?
For him
but not for us.

[SINGER] The old white lightning ♪
Can't set me off ♪
Heard what you said.
Wrote you some new stuff.
It's a lot.
[SINGER] Yeah, cut me off ♪
Get on your horse, boys ♪
Said adios ♪
To the hey, hey, hey ♪
How was the convention?
Great. Diego got to meet his heroes,
got stuff for the podcast,
satisfied the fans,
then went out and satisfied our thirst.
Must've been nice to see
some of your old crew, hmm?
Yeah, you know?
Hey. Uh,
I was thinking maybe
it wouldn't be the worst thing
to get myself an apartment.
The motel is depressing.
Maybe you can point me
in the right direction.
Yeah, let me think on it.
It won't be long-term.
I been coming to matches
for over two decades
here at the Duffy Dome.
I've seen a lot of great matches,
but few with the combination
of inspiration
and ingenuity as Crystal's defeating
Jack Spade and Wild Bill Hancock.
[EDDIE EARL] For that reason,
a new era has been initiated
here at the DWL.
Where women and men, boys and girls,
will spend awe-filled evenings enjoying
our new women's division.
All hail our inaugural woman's champion,
Crystal Tyler.


- All right, here we go.
And we're off here
at the inaugural match
of the DWL women's league
with special guest commentator
Wild Bill Hancock
at the table with us tonight.
Like a Florida State defensive
back there.
[WILD BILL] Elle Dorado
teaching Crystal Tyler
what it's like to be a real pro.
[BOBBIE PIN] Oh oh, that's
that's another region there.
That's not right.
- [WILD BILL] Watch out. Oh!
- [EDDIE] There you go.
[WILD BILL] That's exactly
the kind of dirty stuff
I'd expect from her.
[BOBBY PIN] That's not dirty, Bill.
That's just good old
fashioned wrestling.
[EDDIE] She does know
how to work the legs.
I've never seen a wrestler
use their legs this much.
[WILD BILL] Oh ooh hoo hoo!
Old Denny there with the slow count.
[EDDIE] She's got her by the ears.
Right into the turnbuckle.
She got a face full of foot there.
Here she comes.
- Oh!
[WILD BILL] Welcome to Elle
Dorado's elbow, Crystal Tyler.
[BOBBY PIN] That's gotta hurt.
She's in trouble now.
[EDDIE] Got a little bit of
taunting going on here.
[WILD BILL] Welcome to
planet Earth, Crystal Tyler.
[BOBBY PIN] Don't count her out yet.
[WILD BILL] Come on, Elle.
- Suplex.
- [EDDIE] Oh, no.
[WILD BILL] Come on, Elle.
[GROANS] Tyler reversed it.
[EDDIE] That's gonna be
lifetime of back pain.
She's got her by the ears again.
I like that.
- Claw her.
- Rip her face off.
[FAN] Come on, Crystal.
[EDDIE] Oh, right down
on the back of her head.
[WILD BILL] Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
[EDDIE] That's got to hurt.
She goes for one, two, three.
- There we are.
Crystal Tyler, ladies and
gentlemen. I don't believe it.
[EDDIE] Well, of course she won, Bill.
She beat the hell out of you.
[WILD BILL] I protested
that result Eddie.
[CROWD CHANTING] Crystal! Crystal!
[EDDIE] Crystal Tyler.
- Still undefeated.
There's a spill right in front
of the merch table.
Can you please clean it up? Thank you.
Night's going well.
Seems like.


All right, now.
It's time for tonight's
tag team main event,
sponsored by Eddie Earl's Title Pawn.
When you're needy, we're not greedy.
[ROOSTER] Oh yeah!

[EDDIE] Rooster Robbins? The defector!
[ROOSTER] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You all know the routine.
I'm the SOB that left town,
and you're the yokels here to boo me.
But what did I do?
Other than realize if I wanted
to make something out of myself,
that I had to do something
that none of you had the courage to do.
And that's leave this pissant
one stoplight town.
See, I knew as long
as Jack Spade was in charge,
all the stories would be
about Jack Spade.
Mr. Small Town, family values,
champion of the little guy
with his holier-than-thou
stuck in the past
fairy tale wrestling bullshit.
See, the only thing that Jack Spade
has ever been champion of is himself.
He's a con man selling you
that cowboy myth.
Lone Ranger riding through the plains
that shit is antique!
Horses are slow, but the future?
Oh, it's big, it's loud, and it's fast.
So go ahead,
boo me.
Yeah, I'm gonna make my future.
I'm gonna get out there
and grab all that I can.
Now, that's the real America.
So listen up, Jack.
FWD accepts your challenge.
A full grudge match card.
You and your people versus the future.
Yeah, that's right.
Florida Dystopia is coming
and we don't knock,
we don't take no prisoners,
we kick ass, and we march on.
Word for word.
[BOBBY PIN] Tell you, these people,
they do love this tag team match.
[EDDIE] A lot of happy customers.
[EDDIE] He is handing out
some business cards.
Right there, two of them in a row.
Hope that mask is padded, quite frankly.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, we get
a reverse from Diego.
[EDDIE] Do-si-do.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, that's
a lot of man coming at you,
but Wild Bill knows
just how to handle it.
Nothing new to him.
[EDDIE] He must've seen
that elbow coming.
[BOBBY PIN] And coming down
Oh, it's an elbow again.
[EDDIE] With a vengeance to his head.
[BOBBY PIN] That'll put
you down, let me tell you.
[EDDIE] Staying alive.
[BOBBY PIN] And the crowd
loves it. He struts.
[EDDIE] Haven't seen some
of that dance since about 1978.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, throat slash.
And oh, he goes for Ricky Rabies
for no reason out in the corner. Come on.
And he tags in Big Jim.
And Big Jim hops the rope.
He's setting up something here,
into the turnbuckle,
he's coming out, he's picked
him up like a new groom.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, he's gonna come down
- and Big Jim comes down
[BOBBY PIN] You don't want
to be underneath that. One, two
[EDDIE] Oh, Ricky Rabies
He's foaming at the mouth.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, he bites his ear off.
[BOBBY PIN] He goes completely rabid.
- Look, he's he's completely
- He's out of his mind.
[BOBBY PIN] He's chased
everyone out of the ring.
Bill is there trying to calm him down.
[BOBBY PIN] Oh, and he turns
on his own partner.
Bill has to run out of the ring.
He's out of his gourd ladies
and gentlemen
- You all right, Bill?
- What's going on with him?
With all come on now. Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my goodness. None of this is okay.
He's got to he better wait, wait.
[BOBBY PIN] Wait, now we got Rooster!
[EDDIE] Where are
these guys coming from?
This is an invasion from Florida.
He just put this rabid man
[BOBBY PIN] Completely come
Oh! With a double kick and he's down.
[BOBBY PIN] That's how you put down
- the rabid man right there.
[EDDIE] Whoa, he is down.
Ladies and gentlemen
- No. Hey, hey, hey. No.
- Okay. Hey, hey, hey.
- You guys
- They're taking the DWL belt.
[EDDIE] A couple of posers, I tell you.
- Traitor.
- [BOBBY PIN] We need to get
security in here on Rooster right away.
[EDDIE] Call security down here.
Just coming up here and posing.
Yeah! Yeah!
And the lights have gone out.
It doesn't seem to be
Rooster or The Hole.


[EDDIE] What the hell is going on?
Who is this mystery guest?
Is this Jack Spade in a hoodie?


[DISTORTED VOICE] I come to you,
a damned soul in search of redemption.
I will break free.
I will not stop until
my redemption is obtained.
I am,
the Condamned.

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