Hellfjord (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

Get rid of the gum,
It's Salmander, no middle a.
Get rid of the gum.
Nicotine gum.
I've stopped smoking, so I
Get rid of it now!
And go on.
Well, it was
a regular Independence Day.
Nice weather.
No disturbances.
Bought ice cream.
Stopped some drunk grad girls.
Are you drunk?
Get to the point!
My horse.
behaved very weird.
Gunnar. Gunnar.
Don't stare at me.
He sprained his foot, and
Fell down.
What the fuck?
Not doing so good?
Gunnar. It's Salmander.
Your daddy.
I checked the manual.
"Routines for hurt animals.
Assess condition."
"If the animal is suffering,
it must be put down instantly."
Put down, OK.
Move away.
I have to kill him.
You shot the horse?
-The horse!
I just tried to do the right thing.
Hey! You!
Take this.
And then buzz off.
You shot the horse, beat it with a tuba,
and backed a car over it.
I know we asked you
to become more visible in the streets,
but this isn't what we wanted.
You know what's easiest to do?
To say you're fired.
So that's what I'm doing.
You're fired, Salamander.
I wish I could discharge you right now,
but the new rules from 2001 says
everyone has the right to 3 month's notice.
As you're a walking PR disaster,
we cant keep you here,
and you were accepted
via the Immigration Quota, so
Yes. Eh, anyway
What is Hellfjord?
It's situated hellishly far up north.
And you are to report in Hellfjord
within 24 hours, Salamander.
You'll be there for 3 months
as district sheriff.
And then you're done,
and I'll never see you again.
what if I do a good job there?
That wont happen.
You're Salamander?
Salmander, no middle a.
-Are you Norwegian?
Here are my transfer papers from Oslo.
No, leave 'em.
Kristoffer Wegelius Tangstad.
You can just call me Kobba.
Everyone I don't like does that.
So this is where
I'll be working for 3 months?
Looks like we have a landlubber aboard.
The sea!
I like the sea.
What was that?
You've got something here.
What the fuck?
What the fuck was that?
Don't worry about it.
It's only Tulla.
Our sea serpent.
Sea serpent, sure.
Must give her a snack
when one journeys in her waters,
or else she goes quite mad.
For some reason
she's crazy about goat's head.
Dinner is served!
Looks like you're getting dessert too.
Well, here's the police office.
You can see it says sheriff's office.
On the sign.
Those who've crunched the numbers,
and know the figures,
say that Hellfjord is the place in Norway
with most square meters per capita.
-Yeah. Strange.
Well, say hello to
Riina. My old lady.
So greet Salmander, no middle a,
in a nice way.
He's a celeb, killed a horse in Oslo,
was in the papers.
-Nice to meet you.
-Shut the fuck up, speak Norwegian!
Run into the kitchen
and make some coffee.
Mail order bride from Finland.
Not too bad, Kobba.
No, not at that price,
that wasn't too bad.
Potato shortage in northern Finland.
You surely know my situation.
I think that if I do
a fantastic job up here,
it might
Then it might
be that
I don't get fired by the boys in Oslo.
-You don't say.
-That maybe I
can keep my job in the police.
Can you brief me about Hellfjord?
As you know,
Hellfjord is a fairly small place.
The average age is 67 years,
and we're the only village in Norway
where everyone smokes.
We also have the highest numbers of COPD,
but I don't see any connection.
We've our own doctor, dentist,
plumber, mailman,
mechanic and chimney sweeper.
His name's Roger.
Got our own pub.
Kjell's Kitchen.
There you can watch nude ladies,
get drunk, fuck and fight.
Or just bring the family
to a nice Sunday dinner.
Then we have the very life nerve
of the area, the fish processing Hellfish.
About 60 percent of
the inhabitants work here,
filleting, penetrating,
cleaning and shipping the fish.
It's being run by a Swede
named Bosse Nova.
Very nice bloke.
Bosse Nova?
Wanna see my dick?
Wanna see your office?
Sorry, I'm used to only me
and Riina being here.
Office, sure.
Here's what's important.
There's only one rule.
If you grab something
from the fridge, big or small,
close the fridge afterwards.
D'you hear that?
Close the fridge!
Better call it a day.
We fixed a room for you.
-Big day tomorrow.
Both the village mayor and journalist
want to speak with you.
The celeb.
Doesn't get dark during this season.
I had the old lady put up some drapes
so you'll get your beauty sleep.
And there's plenty asbestos in the walls,
so don't worry about
keeping arm.
Go to sleep.
Wash that dirty mug of yours.
You are fired.
Did you know that Hellfjord
is the best place in the world?
Wanna see my dick?
My dick.
So you're awake, too?
Try getting some sleep, then.
Will you just be
standing there?
Yes, please.
Mr. Hellfjord, I presume?
Fuck you!
Why? That's why!
You screaming and yelling,
it's not You!
We can't have that screaming and yelling
and scratching every time we're in bed.
It ain't that fucking good.
Go away! Get out!
Mene pois! Mene pois!
-Sit there!
-Are we off?
-We're meeting the journalist and all.
Don't be disappointed if the locals
won't welcome you with open arms.
They're skeptical to new people,
to put it like that.
I've fucked her.
-No, sick.
OK, folks.
Bureaucrats don south decided to
send a policeman to us up here
in our remote corner.
Well, we know we don't need
a district sheriff up here, but
as they have sent him,
we'll receive him well.
Won't we?
Well, let me introduce our new citizen,
eh, district sheriff.
I hear your mayor says
you don't need a sheriff up here.
I disagree completely with that.
I think every shitty hick town in Norway,
big or small, needs a sheriff.
Because it's one thing I've learned.
No matter how small a hick town is,
something's seething beneath the surface.
So the only thing left to say, s
thanks for coming.
And don't hesitate to get in touch
if you need anything.
That's why I'm here.
Thanks for the attention.
Yes, that went well.
-Hi. Johanne.
-No, Salmander.
-You're the journalist?
Saw it in how you asked questions.
-Haven't asked any questions.
Total control.
-Could we have a coffee and talk?
To the point. I like it.
You're good. Thorough.
How do you find Hellfjord so far?
I find it
People here are very
easy going.
Write that. Easy going.
Good living conditions.
It is
Sun's shining all the
all the time.
Which is good.
I'm happy to be here.
I have to say it at once.
Something's going on here.
In here?
Yes. Don't know if it's right here,
but elsewhere with people.
Well, that's the yokels' thing,
Northern Norway?
No, not that. Something strange,
haven't you noticed?
And hi!
OK, so here sits our new
Nice speech you gave earlier.
It feels
It feels safe.
That's good.
And you sitting here with
our own little nosy parker.
Fantastic story you wrote
about that cat in the tree.
-I don't drink when on duty.
Bullshit. A welcome toast.
Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.
Bosse Nova, head of the fishery.
-Sure, the fish processing.
-Yes, exactly.
If your job goes to hell,
you can fillet fish.
You see, in Hellfjord we
hold together,
help each other.
So if you get a problem,
anything at all,
just come see me.
I knew it.
You're smart, got it right away.
We'll meet at Hellquiz on Friday.
And now you wont win,
cause I've practiced.
How can you know all
about photosynthesis?
-Bye, bye.
Nice guy.
Write that.
Nice guy.
Is that a cow?
It's nice.
If that's it, I'd like to go.
Got some work to do.
Seen a piece of my Eiffel Tower?
No, I haven't seen that.
Didn't come here to help with
your puzzle or goddamn fridge.
I'm here to do police work.
Shoot people,
solve murder mysteries, rape.
We're police, Kobba.
I am, at least.
There it is.
Isn't there anything I can do?
Do you surf for porn?
They have sex with trees.
Will he get splinters?
Can you do these
while you're sitting here anyway?
Don't remember putting baloney
on my sandwich.
Be nice if you could rub Riinas silverware
while you're sitting there.
I have to poop.
-How can I help?
-Things are not here!
-No? Where are you?
-Things here are not what they seem.
I have to talk to you.
Come to the fishery.
-Come now to Hellfish.
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