Hello Ladies s01e05 Episode Script

Pool Party

1 Stuart: Hi, I'm visiting 223.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Come on in.
You're my first visitor.
- Yeah.
Welcome to Casa del Wade.
Yeah, look at this.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
It's so close to the freeway.
Yeah, I know.
You can hear it from here.
It's not as nice as my place with Marion, but, you know, I like it.
Actually, they call this a "Sterling" apartment.
Just the one dining chair? Yeah.
I mean, if I need more, I just let the property manager know and he'll rustle some up from the basement.
It's like he says, "Chairs when you need 'em, not when you don't.
" - Right.
- ( laughs ) Yeah, look at that.
And they've got the bed sort of in the living room.
Yeah, it kinda has that New York loft feel.
I suppose so.
You don't tend to see a bed that close to a kitchen, do you, normally? It's so convenient.
I love that.
- Breakfast in bed.
- And dinner.
I, uh I'll eat dinner in there, too.
That's the dream.
You're gonna love this.
Huh? Check it out.
It leads right to the pool.
It's like I'm living in a resort.
Sort of.
If I give 'em notice, I can use this, - you know, for Cassidy's birthday party - Wade.
barbecue what? Wade, can I borrow your nail clippers again, please? Yeah, sure.
Can I get them in a little bit? Uh, I'm about to shower, and when the nails are soft, - they're so easy to cut.
- Wade: Yeah, I know Guys, I'm gonna leave you to have this conversation in private, - but thanks for showing me around.
- Wade: Yeah.
And don't forget the big party on Saturday.
- Yes, I'll be there.
- Yeah? All right.
Be there or be square, my friend.
You're having a party? May I come? Um, I'm gonna say no, but only because I've never met you before.
- All right.
- See you later.
Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in his lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely.
I love it.
I absol it's brilliant.
I mean, it's just everything.
It's classy, it's intriguing, it's sexy, but it's not vulgar, which is what the party's gonna be like.
- That's what I was going for right there.
- Yeah, I can tell.
I can tell, mate.
It's an absolute dynamite Jessica, look at this.
You're the first person to receive an official invite to my pool party of the century.
- Gonna party like it's 1999.
- Yep.
"You are cordially invited to an exclusive pool party in the Hollywood Hills.
" - Yes, you are.
- Well, technically, this is not the Hills.
You should put "the base of the Hills.
" This is the Hills, all right? You can see the H of the Hollywood sign from here.
Yeah, if you stand on the roof.
Why are you trying to crap on this? You know I've always wanted to be known as the guy who throws the best parties in LA.
The best parties that are BYOB.
- All night long.
- All night long.
- Till the break of dawn.
- Till the early morn.
Till the early morn.
People are gonna be talking about this for years to come, you know what I mean? They're gonna be like, "Were you at the first ever Pritch party? It was I heard it was cool, it was, like, epic.
" - "I heard it was cool and epic.
" - "Epic.
é There was, like, a girl who just stripped off naked and just jumped in the pool and people were like, "What?" "She slipped, cracked her head.
- There was, like, blood everywhere.
" - No, no, no, no.
- "So crazy.
" - No, no, no.
Actually, put up a sign that says, "No running by the pool" because that could be dangerous.
Can you invite, like, um, 20 people? No, I'm not gonna invite a bunch of my girlfriends over - just so you can hit on them.
- That's not what it's about.
You can invite your dude friends, if you want, as long as they are hip and trendy.
Ethnic would be great, too, 'cause I feel like we need more diversity.
Yeah, that'd be good.
Can you drive me to the soup kitchen, please? Can you invite 20 people to the party? No, I'm not doing that.
Well, then, good luck getting to the kitchen.
- Ooh.
- ( laughs ) Burn.
- It's a burn, baby.
- While we're partying.
Party, party.
Both: Organizing a party.
- Too low, too low.
- Ow! - Watch your head.
- Got it, got it, yeah.
Hi, Ron.
How ya doing? There you go.
Hello, Jackie.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
You're new here, aren't you? My name's Jessica.
What's your name? - It's Heaven.
- Oh, Heaven.
- That's a very pretty name.
- Thanks.
Bye, guys.
Hello again.
Do you have a place to sleep? No.
I know you don't know me, but if you need a bed, I have an air mattress.
When you're photographing the party, stylistically, I'm thinking reportage.
How do you feel about black and white? ( sighs ) I don't mind black and white providing it's not pretentious.
- Preaching to the choir.
- This is Glenn.
Hey, Glenn, it's Stuart on speakerphone with my assistant, Rory.
Who? - Rory? - Glenn: No, who are you? Stuart.
- Chicken wings? - Chicken wings.
What's going on, buddy? I'll tell you what's up, mate.
I am having, at the weekend, an epic pool party.
It's gonna be a sort of Playboy Mansion vibe.
Who'd you hire for bartenders? I don't know.
I'm not really thinking bartenders.
I was thinking just keep it sort of DIY, bring your own alcohol.
You know, like most of the hip parties are doing now.
No, you should use Runway Waiters.
Smoking hot models serving drinks.
My buddy runs the place.
Do you think I could get a discount? - I don't think so.
- No? I'm just gonna go into conference.
What do you think of that? I like it, I just don't want to treat the models like they're objects.
- Definitely not.
No, no, no.
- Dehumanize, you know what I mean? No, no, no.
Not at all, not at all, not at all.
But hire the sexiest one you can find.
You got it.
Glenn, it's Pritch, I'm back.
Listen, mate, could you invite the sort of people that you'd expect to see on, say, a yacht party thrown by P.
Diddy? But, like, when he was relevant? 'Cause I'm gonna be pretty fixed for nerds.
Glenn, I'm gonna have to call you back, mate, 'cause, um there's a vagrant in my backyard.
Go away.
This is private property.
You're not welcome here.
This is called a mobile phone.
I will call the police.
Okay, relax, tough guy.
She's with me.
Do you wanna just go up to my guesthouse? - Hey, Angelina Jolie.
- ( snaps fingers ) A little word here.
What's going on? - Who's this? - She's just my friend.
- Just your friend? Really? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
Did you meet her at the soup kitchen? She has nowhere else to go.
What, you invited her? She's not staying.
- Well - What are you, a maniac? She's probably a crackhead or a hooker or something.
No, she's not.
She is a very sweet girl who just needs - Really? - Yes, she is.
She just needs someone to be kind to her for once in her life.
Haven't you ever felt the need to help someone less fortunate than you? Yes, it's why I let you live in my guesthouse.
Oh, come on.
I really want to help this girl.
- Do you? - Yes.
All right, well, she can stay.
But you'd better invite at least 20 cool people to my party.
( groans ) Fine.
Hi, uh I brought you some rosé just to say sorry again for what happened at Margot's dinner.
Thank you.
That's very nice.
I feel like maybe I should apologize to some of the other people that were at the dinner? I don't know if you've got their numbers.
I could give them a call.
Margot, your boyfriend, the black guy - Armand.
- Armand.
Um, and I feel like there was was there a blonde lady, attractive, who showed up at the end? Kimberly, yes.
She's one of my models.
Is she a model? ( phone rings ) Hello? - Hi, is that Kimberly? - This is her.
- Hi, this is Stuart.
- Who? Stuart Pritchard.
I'm a dear friend of Andy's.
We met very briefly at Margot's dinner.
Oh, yeah, the very, very tall man.
The tall guy, yeah.
( laughs ) That's a good memory, good memory.
Sorry I had to take off early that night.
I actually volunteer at a soup kitchen, so - Are you a chef? - I'm not a chef, no.
Um, although cooking is one of my passions.
I also like theater and socializing with friends.
I actually make my money owning and operating a successful web design business.
Oh, hey, mention that we're making big strides in CSS framework integration.
We're actually currently making big strides in CSS framework integration.
Kimberly: Oh, that's nice.
Listen, I don't know what you're doing Saturday, but I am having an epic pool party in the Hills.
I love parties.
I went to this insane party last night.
The DJ was amazing.
You should hire him.
He played the best dubstep.
This is weird 'cause you could literally be describing my party back to me.
Write down "drubstep.
" I love "drubstep.
" So, do you think you might be able to make it to the party? Um, yeah.
Can I bring a few people? Yeah, no, of course, yeah.
Why don't I put you down for, say, you know, plus 30? ( laughs ) Okay, sounds good.
See ya, bye.
Oh, bit of bad news.
- She's coming.
- Oh.
Put that in the bank savings.
- Put that in the bank.
- For savings.
And see the interest accumulate.
Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.
Oh, yes.
Oh, you have to hire a DJ ASAP.
Now, for cleanup, do we want regular maids or fantasy French maids? Oui, oui.
( speaks gibberish ) We don't need maids.
You'll do the cleanup.
Earth to Stuart, we need cleaners.
If only half the people come we've invited, we'll have, like, 250 people in here.
This place is gonna be decimated.
You know what I suddenly realized? Why am I selfishly having a party at my place to celebrate nothing when we should be having a party here to celebrate your beautiful new home? Yeah, I don't know.
This is gonna be the party of the century.
We can just rent out the pool downstairs.
We're gonna have the super cool dudes here.
We're gonna have the beautiful women.
Yeah, no, I can't be hanging out with beautiful women every night.
I mean, what's Marion gonna say? This is what you want.
You want Marion worrying about this.
We'll take some pictures.
We'll put them on Facebook.
- Marion will be all jealous.
- Jealous, she'll be begging for you back.
Yeah, you know, but a party takes so much organization.
Don't worry about it.
I got my best man on it.
I got it.
I've been reading a lot of books on parties.
- And I got a spreadsheet.
- I don't know.
- Come on.
- Please? Come on, Wade.
- I'll do it.
- Both: He's in! Yeah, party committee! - Party committee! - The party committee! - In full effect.
- Yeah.
- And I got illegal fireworks.
- Fireworks.
He's got fireworks.
- No fireworks.
- We're not doing fireworks.
Come on.
( music playing ) How long have you lived here? Uh, about a year and a half.
This place seems small for someone your age.
You don't even have a kitchen.
Oh, no, I have a kitchen.
Heaven: That's not a kitchen.
That's a microwave behind a sheet.
Oh, well, I don't really I don't cook that much.
Do you have any weed or pills? Why do you need drugs? I just need something to take the edge off.
Take the edge off of what? You're not really doing anything.
Hey, how about we sit together and work on your resume? Nah, I don't wanna do that.
You know, I could help you get a job, if you'd let me.
( groans ) You sound like my fucking mother.
Can you turn that shitty music off? No, this is this is beautiful music, and it inspires me.
Well, I'm trying to take a nap.
Okay, sure, yeah.
We'll just ( music volume decreases ) That's a lot of booze.
'Course it is, mate.
Gonna be a lot of people here.
Here he is, beat master general.
( mimics record scratch ) Keeping the beats fresh, yeah? If you've got any white label stuff or demos, don't be afraid to throw them in.
You know, that guy sometimes plays outside Vegas.
- No.
- Yeah, at a little club.
- Hey, what is this? - The VIP section, all right? You can only get in here if you've got one of these bracelets.
- Oh.
- Take a bunch.
And we're only giving these out to the cream of the crop.
People with the "it" factor.
I'm talking actresses, models, natch.
Musicians, any kind of local businessmen.
- Cool.
- Better sign this.
( giggling, screaming ) What's going on here? I booked the pool.
Oi, kid.
Who's in charge here? Hello.
Who organized this little shindig? Is there anybody in there? Are you a little bit simple? You just roam the land unsupervised? - Can I help you? - Possibly, yeah.
I actually booked the pool from 3:00.
It's now 3:15 - and you've got the young 'uns at play.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
The only problem is that I'm having quite a "adults only" party.
And I'm just concerned about the kids seeing some of the shit that's gonna go down.
I don't see any guests.
You don't see any guests at the moment, no.
You don't at the moment, but they are on the way, and we are talking actresses, we're talking models, we're talking actors and musicians, so, as I say, it could be a little bit X-rated, - if you catch my drift.
- Oh, I do.
I promise we'll get out when your guests arrive.
- How's that? - Okay, that seems reasonable.
- Good? Okay.
All right.
- All right.
She is being completely unreasonable and refusing to get out of the pool.
What are the rules, you know what I mean? - Right.
- Like, if we don't have a system in place, - society collapses, right? - Uh-huh, sure.
You know what I mean? And I don't know if there's a way you could maybe have a word with her.
Yeah, I could chat with her.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, no, I don't blame you at all, but could you not let anyone into the party who doesn't have one of these official invites? - Okay.
- All right? So unless they're carrying one of those, please just don't let them in.
You guys put on sunblock? Yeah, I put on two layers.
Pardon me, excuse me.
Can I have a quick word? Yeah, yeah.
- Who's this lot? - What? They're other residents.
They're not really the sort of people we're after, mate, at this party.
They're sort of lowering the tone a bit.
What no, they're good guys.
I mean, Barry's also separated.
Clive's a widower.
A widower? I don't want him droning on to some model about his dead wife.
He never talks about her.
No one does.
( sighs ) You should check with me before - Oi.
- Yeah? - Hello.
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
Who the fuck are you? I'm from Runway Waiters.
Of course you are.
- Rory? - Yeah? This gentleman says he's from Runway Waiters.
Yep, you asked me to hire someone.
Yes, I did.
I asked you to hire someone, yeah.
And what made you think that I'd want a man, not a woman? You didn't specify a gender.
Why would I want a better-looking bloke than me here? Because he's the eye candy! Eye candy for who? We should be the eye candy.
For everybody.
Are you kidding? Look at this guy.
He's like a slice of heaven.
Yeah, he's a good-looking blo I don't want delete that.
I don't want a picture of him.
I don't want a picture of me with him.
And you, put a bloody shirt on.
Come on.
I think I have one in my car.
What do you mean, you think you have one who comes out without a shirt? Thanks for putting the pants on.
That was nice of you.
( mattress squeaks ) ( laughs ) ( laughing continues ) ( continues squeaking ) Can you stop doing that, please? You need to relax.
You're so uptight.
- ( squeaks ) - ( sighs ) What? Sorry.
( laughs ) ( music playing ) You live here, do ya? Yeah? Wade invite ya? Good, welcome.
- Let me get you guys.
- I don't want a picture with them.
- Just delete that.
- Okay, my bad.
Have you had any emails or anything? Texts? People just confirming the address? - No.
- No? We were told there were gonna be hot girls here.
The hot girls will be here, mate.
Don't worry.
Just so you know, if they don't show, I might take off.
Well, let's hope that doesn't happen.
Right out the gate, all right? You're not coming back.
Through the gate, guys.
I'm just working this middle-age gay party It's not a middle-age gay party.
Where are you getting that from? Well, I just thought, uh It's all dudes, and you have a giant ice dick.
Stuart: I've got giant ice tits as well, so your whole theory's shot, isn't it? Seriously, you told on us? I did tell on you, yes, because I told you I booked the pool from 3:00.
I told you that.
Will you stop pointing at me? Unbelievable.
Well, you're paying for a new one.
You're paying for a new one.
Have a fun party, asshole.
Oh, really? This is the language we're using, is it, in front of the kids? No wonder they're fucking delinquents.
( sighs ) Are you done with this? Oh, yeah, you can take it.
Wait, there's one more chip.
- Hey, no, no, no.
- ( lighter clicks ) Can you not smoke in here, please? Mm, can you not be a total fascist? ( Heaven drops lighter ) ( sighs ) Here's the thing.
If it were up to me, I would want you to stay here forever, but my landlord, he said you can't stay here anymore.
- What a fucking asshole.
- I know, right? But I can find you a bed at a shelter.
I don't like those places.
They smell like shit and they're full of crazy bitches.
I want to stay here.
Yeah, no, I know, and, honestly, I would want you to stay here.
- Tight.
- But it is his house, so ( sighs ) We should probably pack your things.
Get dirty Get dirty Get dirty Get dirty Get dirty Oh, hey, Pritch.
Charles Manson just called.
He wants to know if he should come over and lighten the mood.
Impossible 'cause he's in jail, so Get dirty Get dirty - Hello, ladies.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Is this Glenn's party? No, it's my party, but Glenn's a friend of mine, he's a good friend, so he'll be along later.
Um, Stuart, pleasure.
- Brittany.
- Nice to meet you.
- Lexi, nice to meet you.
- Lexi.
Lexi and Brittany.
Brittany and Lexi.
I hope you brought your bikinis 'cause it's gonna get pretty wild in here.
Maybe a drink from the ice luge? - Sure, all right.
- Yeah? What's your poison, cock or tits? Ladies, I'm your bartender, Tim.
- Hi.
- Pleasure.
- Hi.
- So, was this modeled off of you? Well, if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.
( both laugh ) Not really a joke, but - Is vodka okay? - That's my favorite.
- Yeah, it is.
- ( both laugh ) All right.
I'm ready for it.
I bet you are.
You know, I can handle you both.
I bet you can.
You know what? I saw someone earlier drinking from that and I think they had a cold sore.
- Ew.
- Yeah, I just remembered.
You should've flagged that up, really.
- Why don't you get us some house cocktails - Yeah.
and I'll show you around, ladies.
All right.
No more talking to the female guests.
Isn't this DJ fantastic? He's from very near Vegas.
Stop ogling.
They're not slabs of meat.
Hi, I'm Kives.
- Hi, Kives.
- Hi.
Hop on in.
The water is delicious.
- Maybe later.
- All right.
Maybe not.
If you haven't brought bikinis, there is some talk of skinny-dipping.
Let me get you some loungers.
Excuse me.
This is VIP only.
Up you come.
Up you come, quick as you can.
No, no, stay, stay.
They're fine.
As you were.
Thank you, boy.
You may go.
Lexi: Mm, this is so good.
- Can I get the recipe? - Sure, yeah.
- Just give me your email - Yeah.
Do you know what? Can we do that in a second? Because I need you to run along and get a mop and a bucket 'cause someone just threw up in the disabled toilet, all right? - So, off you go.
- Bye.
Sorry, was he bothering you? - No, no, no.
He's totally fine.
- Okay, good.
Cheers, everyone.
You know what? Actually, we have to go.
You just got here.
I know.
We promised we'd go to this other thing, but thank you so much.
Let me get you a different drink.
Or I'll tell you what, I could change the music.
Honestly, everything's fine, but we have to go.
What about drugs? Are you a fan of drugs? I could maybe rustle up some cocaine or something? - Is that your thing? - No, seriously.
We have to go.
All right, then.
Whoo-whoo! That's the guy.
The man of the house.
Did you get any of me with the girls? Oh, I got a great shot of them, and I got some of you, so I'll just Photoshop you guys together.
( chattering ) I'm gonna take off, all right? - What? - Yeah.
You can't leave yet.
We're about to start the Jenga tournament.
That's why I am leaving.
There's not supposed to be Jenga.
It's supposed to be like a party at the Playboy Mansion.
The only hot girls have already left.
Hey, I'm sorry if we're not all blonde bimbos with fake tits.
That's sweet of you to say, but it's not your fault.
I was being sarcastic.
Yeah, sure.
Sorry, apologies, all right? I just I had ideas about what this party could be and it's just it's not, so enjoy, stay, drink, have fun.
And thanks for coming.
- ( girls giggling ) - ( music playing ) Hey, how come you're not at the party? Oh, it's full of losers.
Well, how come you're not there? Not tonight.
Fuck you, fucking googly-eyed beanpole cunt.
What? Drugs.
- ( music playing ) - ( chattering ) Uh, sorry, ladies.
I'm gonna have to stop you there.
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
I'm Kives.
Nice to meet you.
There are my boys.
This is Wade, this is Rory.
- Say hi.
- Hi, guys.
I'm Kimberly.
- Kimberly, hi.
- Hi, this is Megan.
- Megan, pleasure.
- Have you guys seen Stuart anywhere? Yeah, I think he's in the bathroom throwing up.
Have either one of you ladies ever been with another woman before? ( laughs ) Oh, Megan, look.
It's ice tits.
Before you do that, hold on.
Would you take a picture with Wade here? We're trying to make his wife jealous.
Wade, get in there.
- Get in there.
Gonna take a picture.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Come on.
- I'm sorry.
Wade, get close, get close.
Get closer.
- That's - One, two, three! - Yes! - Oh, thank you.
Thanks, girls.
You have my email address if you ever need anything.
Like advice or whatever.
Good luck.
Heaven? Did you steal my iPhone? No.
Heaven I don't want to start a whole thing with you because I know that oh, whoops.
Here it is.
I'm sorry.
I never use this pocket.
You know what? Here's $10.
Don't spend it all on drugs, okay? Buy some food, too.
( beeps ) You've got to be shitting me.
Hiya, I'm here for the party.
- Can I see your invitation? - Oh, I haven't got an invitation.
I can't let you in without one of these.
Yeah, I know the policy.
I made the policy.
I made the invitation as well.
It's my party.
I was here about two minutes ago.
I just left.
- Can I see your residence ID? - I haven't got a residence ID.
I wouldn't live here.
I mean, I don't live here.
- A friend of mine has got a place here.
- Well, call your friend.
I can't call my friend 'cause one of your other residents threw my phone in the swimming pool earlier.
Where were you then? I can't let you in without an invitation or a residence ID.
- I don't make the rules.
- I do make the rules, though.
I'm telling you.
What are the rules? It's just just ignore the rules.
Please reverse your car.
Thanks! Who draws the crowd and plays so loud? Baby, it's the guitar man Who's gonna steal the show? You know, baby, it's the guitar man He can make you love He can make you cry - He will bring - Wade! Kives! - He'll get you high - Glenn! Something keeps him going Miles and miles a day Please climb down from the fence.
This is this is my party.
Sir, climb down from the fence now.
No, but this is my party.
Last time I'm telling you.
Climb down now.
Listen to the guitar man Then he comes to town And you see his face And you think you might Like to take his place Something keeps him driftin' Miles and miles away Searching for the songs to play He can make you love He can get you high He will bring you down And he'll make, make you cry But he never seems to notice He's just got to find another place to play Either way Got to play