Hello Ladies s01e06 Episode Script

Long Beach

1 Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in his lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely.
Oh, Stuart, get off me.
What are you doing? What's going on? Your head was on my chest.
Yeah, well, count your blessings 'cause I normally wake up with an erection, but you've put an end to that.
This is crazy.
You should be paying for me to stay in a hotel.
I'm not putting you in a hotel.
I'm already paying for a new roof for the guesthouse, which it doesn't need.
Mike! D-boy! Lopez, you wankers! Where me homies at? In the backyard.
Do you need anything? - No, we're good.
Thank you! - Nope.
All right, boys.
Stuart, why are you trying to be friends with them? You have to.
Guys like this, working-class dudes, if they smell that you're not one of them, they will fleece you.
Really? And how exactly do you win them over? Easy, just talk to them about stuff that they relate to.
You know, like cars, you know, or shagging.
Football, whatever.
Name three American football teams.
Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bulls, Detroit Tigers.
You just named a football team, a basketball team, and a baseball team.
Well, how am I supposed to remember? I mean, every fucking American sports team's just a bloody city and some arbitrary animal stuck together.
Oh, look at me, I'm a fan of the Chicago Squids.
What does it even mean? Hello, lads.
Mike, hut-hut.
Oh, touchdown! Yeah.
How's it going? Need anything? Fancy a beer? No, it's, like, 10:00 in the morning.
What, too early for you lads, is it? Yeah, I'm normally sipping a cold one at this time of day.
A little bit of an alcoholic.
But there you are.
What are you using here? Wood? - Plywood.
- Plywood.
Yeah, wood's a good idea for any kind of construction.
Did I tell you that my uncle used to be in the building trade? ions.
- Yeah, a couple times.
- Yeah, good guy.
Sadly, went up a ladder once, fell off, killed himself.
Not intentionally.
Slipped or something.
Broke his spine.
So be careful up there, yeah? Where are you gangsters from? - Long Beach.
- Greatest city in the world.
Yeah, we don't care if you're a stranger.
We'll fucking die for you.
- Sounds like where I'm from.
- Oh, yeah? Where's that? Just outside Chipping Norton.
Although I actually spent a lot of time growing up in Wiveliscombe.
Are you happy with the glass? What's that for, the skylight? - Yeah.
- Let's take a look at this.
Yeah, I wouldn't touch that, man.
That's sharp.
Yeah, it's all cool, dude.
- You all right? - Yep.
All right, well, better get back to it.
This yeah, it's all good.
See ya, boys.
- Ah! Ah! - Oh, man up.
You man up.
Oh, can you get that for me, please, 'cause of the Who is gonna stay and wax your vagina? Vulgar.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Coffee and bagels.
- Oh, great.
What do you need, mate? 'Cause I'm not feeling 100%.
He's not here to see you.
He's here for me.
Come on.
- What's this about? - Marion.
Of course it is.
All right, so Marion said she didn't want to have contact with me for 30 days.
- Mm-hmm.
- And today the 30 days are up.
So, you know, I want to do something to basically save my marriage.
Did you get any cream cheese? Should be in the bag.
- Well, I only see butter.
- Stuart, can you shut up? Can you not be mean, please? Hey, Stuart, I just bought the domain name "Stuartisms.
" - So I got that if you need it.
- That's a good idea.
- I wish I could celebrate, mate, but look at that.
- Whoa.
So, well, what are you thinking about doing? Well, I thought I would write a really, really romantic email.
Oh, okay.
I think you should do something more exciting.
- Well, I mean, I'm way ahead of you there.
- Okay.
I'm gonna also include a link to the song "Up Where We Belong" from her favorite movie, "Officer and a Gentleman.
" Well, there you go.
You should do something like the end of that movie.
You know, I've never seen it.
What? You've never seen "An Officer and a G"? The chemistry between Gere and Winger is insane.
Wonder if anything ever happened offscreen.
You shitters taking off? Yeah, we should be done by the end of the week.
Yeah, no sweat.
Good to have some real men in the neighborhood for a change.
Aside from myself, obviously.
Yeah, most of the guys around here wouldn't know the difference between a fucking claw hammer and a regular, you know, everyday sort of house hammer.
Yeah, so why you live here, then? What can I say? Chicks dig the crib.
Yeah, bet this house keeps you balls-deep in pussy, man.
Yeah, I gets me oats.
Yeah That chick you're ban, she's pretty hot.
The one who slept in my bed last night? Yeah, she's pretty smoking, but, uh, I'm not actually banging her at the moment.
She would love me to, is the truth, but I have actually got a little, sort of "will they, won't they" thing going on with this little cupcake.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She's draining your nuts? For real? I wouldn't say she was draining my nuts, per se.
So, how far you got with her? Like, oral or what? Not oral sex, but we spoke on the phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Shit, man, that's it? - What are you talking about? You got hot chicks coming out your ass, you ain't fucking none of 'em? - Eh, fuck off.
- What's wrong with you? Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - What? You couldn't get laid for six months.
Oh, couldn't get laid for six months.
And you ended up fucking Sharon Marino.
- Oh! - Fucking Sharon Marino.
What are you talking about? She was just my slump-buster.
- Slump-buster.
- All right? Slump-buster, my ass.
What's a slump-buster? It's just a chick you bang to end a dry spell, man.
Maybe that's what I need.
As if.
Well, you should come to Long Beach, man.
- Yeah? - The girls aren't all stuck up and shit like in LA.
- Really? - They'll have sex for days.
Ooh, for days.
Right? You don't gotta eat their pussy or nothing.
That's a refreshing change.
That's what I like.
Well, look, why don't you come down sometime and we'll find you a slump-buster, all right? Yeah, maybe I will.
What are you fuckheads doing tonight, just out of interest? Getting drunk, getting our dicks wet, - Long Beach style.
- Oh.
LBC wet dick posse.
Oh, sopping wet dicks.
Yes, please.
Give you a holler later.
Oh, this is so romantic.
Yeah, why why is it? Because he's being spontaneous.
He's being assertive.
What do they make at this factory? You should do this for Marion.
If a guy surprised me at work like that, I would be totally blown away.
They probably make something for the local Navy base.
But what? Wade, I think you should do this for Marion tonight.
Yeah, I think you should go to her work, surprise her, take her to her favorite restaurant, and then just see where the night takes you.
If you did that to me, whew, I'd be putty in your hands.
- Really? - Real you've already got my heart.
I think you should go for it.
Shoot, I can't.
I have Cassidy tonight.
Well, I could watch her for you, if you want.
- Really? - Yeah, if it's just for a few hours.
I think you should do it.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
Man, if I had a girl, I'd carry her like that every day.
And I'd get one of those suits, too.
Give us your wallet or lick my fucking balls.
Sir, if I lick your balls, can I definitely keep my wallet, please? You're a funny fucker, dude.
As soon as I saw the tinted windows, I thought, "It's those fuckers.
" And it was, and I thought, "I'll screw with them.
" - And, you know - Get in.
What you think 'bout throwin' with a twist? Got the Playboy bitches on my hit list - I'm Stuart, by the way.
- Pube.
- Pube? - Yeah.
Your name is Pube? Yeah.
Have some pimp juice, fool.
Yeah! Take that shit.
Take it.
Take a swig.
- What is in this? - You don't wanna fucking know.
Drink that.
Oh, that's an interesting combination of flavors.
What is in there? It feels like it's behind my eyes, burning.
Okay, great.
I can help you with that.
Can I get your account number, please? Great.
Love lift us up where we belong Great.
Pulling that up now.
Oh, fuck! Oh, uh I'm so sorry.
I have your account here.
What are you doing here? These are for you.
Come on.
No, Wade, Wade, I'm at work.
Can you turn off the music? We're all on the phone.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Sir, I'm not getting your account number here.
Do you have a tracking number? - Where is Cassidy? - I got a babysitter.
- Oh.
No, no, stop! - Come on, I'm taking you to dinner.
Wade, Wade, stop! Stop! I'm sorry.
Um, I am so sorry, sir.
Yes, it looks like that will be to you Tuesday morning.
You should've called me.
I'm just I was I'm just trying to be spontaneous.
Well, I have a break in 20 minutes.
We can have a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
I am so sorry.
If you call back on Tuesday, it looks like we may be able to give you a more exact time.
Slump-buster central! Cool.
What do you think about her in the black and white dress? What's her story? Her name is Erika.
We call her Easy E because she is a total nympho.
- She sounds nice.
- Come on.
Can you mention that I own and operate my own web design business? - Mike, hi! - How you doing, baby? So, ladies, this is my bro, Stuart.
He is the fucking best.
He owns his own wedding design business.
Web design, web design.
And he will take a bullet through the fucking dick for you.
Oh, Michael, you're making me blush.
But I would.
- I love your accent.
- I like your accent.
- Thanks.
- I like your nose ring as well.
- It's cool.
- Yo.
- Where are you from? - I'm from here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Let's go, let's go! Come on.
What? What's happening? We're gonna go fuck someone up.
All right, well, good luck with that.
- We need you.
- No, let's go.
Are you sure it's not better for me to just stay here with the girls, like, save a place at the bar? No, let's go, come on.
We're gonna go fuck someone up.
Ooh, I really like your picture.
Thank you.
- Purple girl? - Purple girl.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you wanna hang? I can be there in five minutes.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I'm babysitting, so Cassidy will be here.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I'm just wrapping up some stuff.
Probably be wrapping up around the time you're done babysitting.
When will that be, do you think? Um, just, like, a couple hours or so? Oh, just text me when you're done.
Who was that? That was Glenn.
Is he your boyfriend? It's complicated.
- Do you kiss him? - Sometimes.
Then why isn't he your boyfriend? You're pretty.
Well, maybe I don't want a boyfriend.
Does he want to be your boyfriend? I don't know what he's thinking exactly.
Why don't you ask him? Well, I can't ask him.
I'll seem clingy.
What the heck is clingy? It means that I like him, but I don't want to tell him because then he'll use it against me.
I have two boyfriends.
Good for you.
Fuck 'em if you're doing your thing They run, point a finger Figure they got it figured out This whole life is a contradiction You're who? Hell, naw, I won't listen Blow the universe into submission Fuck 'em if you're doing your thing They run, point a finger What's up, bitch? Oh, what's up, Mike, you fucking pussy? You got something to say to my fucking face? I ain't got shit to say to you, dawg.
Really? Why you talking all that shit behind my back, then? I didn't say fuck about you, homey.
Be a man and admit it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, man, I didn't say fucking shit to you.
I ain't scared of you, dawg.
You need to get your fucking facts straight.
Oh, so now you're gonna call my cousin a liar? No, I said check the facts, dawg.
Why don't you just be a man and say it to my face? I will say it to your face.
I ain't scared to say shit to your face.
You had a whole lot of shit to say Tuesday night, all right? Fuck you, Mike.
Oh, shit! Hey, get off! Damn, man.
Look, I didn't say shit, all right? But if I did, I'm sorry.
- Fuck it.
- Right? Cool.
All right, man.
Hey, we're gonna have a party tonight at my house.
- Yeah? - You all are invited.
- All right.
We'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.
We're gonna have some sushi and shit.
It's gonna be good.
They almost got their asses kicked.
- Yeah.
- Right? Did you know Styrofoam is a brand name? I didn't, no.
Yeah, it's like Kleenex.
Oh, yeah.
This is just not how I planned for tonight to go.
No, it it was a really sweet gesture.
Yeah, thanks.
So is there a chance that the door's still open for us? We'll see.
Hey, where you guys been? We just ordered shots.
Oh, yes.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Yes.
- Cheers.
What happened to your shirt? Oh, just a, you know, rumble in the LBC.
- Are you okay? - Oh, I'm good, yeah.
There was one player who was giving me the evil eye, and I almost gave her gave him a beatdown, but I didn't need to in the end, which is good.
Just looking to get back to the hot tub now and chill out.
- You have a hot tub? - I got a hot tub, yeah.
- So fucking cool.
- Well, you know.
- Yo, Stuart.
- Yeah? - Wanna do a bump? - Sure.
No, no, no, a bump of coke, man.
- Cocaine? - Yeah.
Uh, I'm good for coke, thanks.
- Is that Jesse's shit? - Yeah.
- No, it's really good shit.
You should do it.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- No, I'm cool, I'm cool.
- Come on, pussy.
- Don't be a pussy.
Come on.
Just a little bit of coke.
All right, I'll just do a gram.
- A gram? - Yeah.
That's a fuckload of coke.
It's yeah, in England, a gram is a smaller, but appropriate amount of coke.
So let's just do some bloody cocaine.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Come on, pussy.
- Give me a shot.
Was she any trouble? No, no.
She does ask a lot of questions, though.
- Yeah, she does.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hi.
So, how did it go with Marion? - It went great.
- Oh, good.
Yeah, she really appreciated the gesture.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you for the advice.
You're welcome.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Romance is not dead.
- See ya.
Man, I been thinking about sucking your tits all day.
Come out here.
- Fuck.
- Relax.
Hey, did you hear me? I said get out here.
Yo, hold the fuck on, man.
I'm on an H-1B visa.
If they throw me out of the country, I'm fucked.
I can't work again.
It'll be okay.
Just chill out.
- Well, what's our excuse? - We don't need an excuse.
We can't just walk out and say nothing.
Yes, we can.
Come on.
'Sup? What were you guys doing in there? - Nothing.
- I was sucking his cock.
What what he said.
Probably don't need to mention what happened or what was said or what you thought was said, you know Yo, you won't believe what just fucking happened.
Where are we going now? Did you say something? 'Cause I couldn't hear because of the dick in your mouth.
That's fucking cold.
But where are we going, though? Just We're going to Ronnie's party, man.
Fuck, yeah.
You know what, lads? I've had a lovely night.
But I think it's bedtime for me, so if you could just drop me at the train station, that'd be that'd be super.
No, you're coming for a drink, bitch.
Lopez, Lopez, are you sat on my seat belt? - I can't seem to find it.
- That's the bitch seat, man.
- No seat belt.
- Bitch go through the window! Bitch go through the window! Bitch go through the window! This bitch go through the window! - Say what? - Bitch go through the window! - I can't hear y'all! - Bitch go through the window.
What's up? Do you ever wonder what this is? This is two people having fun.
Yeah, but you know, I was talking to my friend, and she was like, "Is he your boyfriend?" and I was like, "I don't know.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Are we just fuck buddies? 'Cause honestly, I don't I don't know if I want that.
First of all, thank you for bringing this up.
I hear everything you're saying and I understand, but I think it's dangerous to try to define it.
We have to let this go where it wants to go, you know what I mean? Kind of.
I mean, I don't want to be your girlfriend today or anything like that.
I just I'm wondering if it's something that you might want down the road.
I hope it could be.
But you or I might be in a different space in six months and not want whatever this is now then, do you know what I mean? I think so.
But if you're not happy with what this is now or what this could be then, I totally get it and I'll just go.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You should stay.
I just thought that we should have the conversation.
And I agree, the conversation shouldn't end.
It should be ongoing.
Oh, shit.
Go on, dawg, it's a samurai.
Take this shit, man.
Shit's the bomb, right? Hey, English.
Hey, man, why'd you come to LA, dawg? Um had to get out of England.
Some shit went down.
Yeah? What kind of shit? Well, there was some chaps making making trouble in my neighborhood and I got in one little fight and my mum got scared and said, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
" In the Bel Air area.
Unfortunately, I've got a presentation tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to get back.
Can I walk to the train station from here? You can't walk in this fucking neighborhood, dawg.
Shit, man.
Why do you think I got this samurai sword? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, you meet any chicks tonight? No, he blow D-boy.
Man, fuck you, Pube.
Fuck you, too.
- Fuck him.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You suck dick? Me, dicks? No.
No, no, no.
No, I I actually came down here 'cause they promised me a slump-buster.
- I get that.
- Yeah.
Well, then, what the fuck are you doing in my house? I'm asking myself the same question.
What, you couldn't get any girls in the LBC? Oh, no, I could've.
I could've, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I actually I met a total biatch earlier at the club called they call her Easy E.
And she was man alive, she was a complete cockmonster.
I mean, she was gagging for it.
I've lived here all my life, and I never heard of a girl named Easy E.
- Really? - What's she look like? Uh, she's all right-looking.
Kind of tanned.
She's I think her real name's Erika.
She got a nose ring right here? - Nose ring, yeah.
- Yeah.
That's my fucking half-sister, dawg.
As I say, sweet girl.
Why don't you tell me who calls her Easy E? No one no one, really.
No one in particular.
I'm gonna ask you one more time, dawg.
Who calls her Easy E? It was Mike, D-boy, Lopez, and Pube.
- What a bitch! - What the fuck, guys? You're gonna believe this asshole? - Why would he lie to me, man? - No reason.
I don't know, but you need to check your facts, son.
You need to check your facts.
And what you standing up for? You come down here, all of you dicks bouncing around Hey, shove it up your ass.
Well, I've got to get going.
I'm sorry, I gotta wake up at 6:00.
Did you change these sheets? Yeah, I just thought I would freshen it up.
And then we could draw whatever we wanted to, so I drew dinosaurs and Mrs.
Wolf said that mine was the best one! Aw, that is so cool.
- Is it all right if I - Yeah.
- Hey, how are you? - Hi.
- Do you want to see it? - Yeah, I definitely do.
- Will you get it for me? - Yeah.
- She did good today.
- Yeah? Good.
And I think she ate all of her lunch.
Stuffed animals.
Hey, you know what? I wanted to say, too, I am sorry about how that date went down.
It didn't go exactly as I planned it.
I was thinking maybe we could, you know, do something a little more proper.
Maybe I could get a babysitter.
What's wrong? - I'm sorry.
- No.
But we should get a divorce.
Daddy, look! And this is a brontosaurus because it's the longest one.
- Yeah.
- And this one is another brontosaurus.
I think this one is a pterodactyl.
Hey, lads.
Good job on the guesthouse.
- Here's the bill.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, there's a mistake there.
No, you quoted $2,000.
You put $5,000.
These things add up.
What can I tell you? Hello, ladies.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Out on the street I was talking to a man He said, "There's so much of this love of mine That I don't understand" "You shouldn't worry," I said, "That ain't no crime 'Cause if you get it wrong You'll get it right next time" Next time You need direction, yeah, you need a name When you're standing in the crossroads Every highway looks the same After a while, you can recognize the signs So if you get it wrong, you'll get it right next time Next time.