Helluva Boss (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Murder Family

I was a good person, before it all
went down.
I was good my entire life.
Good morning!
I hope you all did your homework.
We love to do our homework,
And we love our teacher too! ♪
Then when I throw out these fun questions
You should know just what to do! ♪
Two plus six is -
And good behavior's -
Great! ♪
And it's not a part of the class
when we say the time of day and date! ♪
It's nine in the morning! ♪
On January eighth! ♪
The sun is out smilin'
- And it's your husband's birthday! ♪
La La La La Lalalalala ♪
La La La Lalalala Lalalalalala ♪
La La La La lalalalala ♪
La La La La La Lalalalala ♪
Oh my stars, stop singing children!
Hush up now!
I forgot it's my husband's birthday!
I didn't get him anything special.
Maybe if we call him we can
do a happy birthday surprise!
Ohhkay ~ Ohh yeah ~ Right there!
I told you were not gonna use these.
Right there
- Ahh that's actually my asshole.
But I don't care yeeeeheah
Not there! Not there! Not there - Not
Ohhhh yeah put it in!
Okay, okay yeah.
Mrs. Mayberry!
Remember what you taught us?
Think! Before you act.
Oh-kay. Oh yeah we're -
Oh shit!
What're you doing here?
Shut up Gerald!
- You scream like a bitch!
Oh god, what have you done!
Sh-She had a family!
We could've had a family!
W-Wait! Nonono!
Oh dear god. What have I done?
In front of you all.
I'm so sorry my children.
Don't forget to work on your times tables.
You do everything right in life
Play by all the rules.
And still get sent down here with all
the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.
After one measly massacre
propelled by blind rage.
So that's why im here -
To get my revenge.
I mean, was she hotter?
Just saying I had a hard time
understanding the unprompted melodrama -
you just spat at me, tits.
Aaaanyway. I don't think you quite
understand how we're operating down here -
see we take revenge out on the
living and it sounds like the core cast -
of your sitcom of a death frankly, are
all probably down here in hell with you
Not all of them
That whore survived.
Now they all call her a hero.
How does it feel to have
survived such a crazy bitch?
I just hope that sick
woman finally found peace.
You are so brave.
Here's two million dollars!
Ohhh, thank you!
Between the talk shows and donation
bullshit she made so much goddamn cash
Getting shot was the
best thing to happen to her!
You're a hero!
You're a hero, girl!
My momma's a hero!
She is a hero.
Uh. Uh. Uh. You're a hero ~
You're a hero!
You're a hero!
Oh. Oh. Oh. You're a hero!
She is not a hero!
Mmhmm, yeah ok yeah my thoughts exactly.
Moxxie, stop shakin'! Yer
gonna shoot our only hellhound.
Wow. I feel soooo loved here.
Just take a deep breath -
And let it out.
But! It's a family.
Under what circumstances would
we ever need to kill a human family!
I mean, if that's what the client wants.
Maybe like a shitty dad.
Or a mob family.
That's understandable.
But to erradicate an entire innocent -
Seemingly in this instance
Upper middle class family bloodline!
Hey! You don't know they're innocent.
This kid probably sets dogs on fire.
Maybe this girl gets off to
bullying Australian kids online
And this guy
This guyy, definitely watches.
Humans are full of secret nasties -
It's why so many of them end up here.
But- Guilty and innocent
aren't our business Moxx.
Killin' Who we're paid
to, is. Our. Business.
Shoot the target.
I just think its a bit excessive and
we could be a bit more selective is all.
Guys I want you to meet-
Our newest client.
Damnit, Moxxie I just bought those eels!
Bye! And don't worry, we'll get that
skank in less than twenty four hours-
Or your first kill is freeeee!
When did we start implementing that deal?
When you set fire to my
office in front of a client-
You fucking dick shit!
Now someone please tell
me that fancy book is still intact!
You mean, our only
ticket to the other side?
Yeah, got it.
And that's why you're my favorite, Loony.
You get a tweat now.
Ew. Stop.
You're so gross!
Aww, stop it. I get enough
of that from my therapist.
Now lets go lick some ass!
The expression is kick some ass. Blitz.
Mine's better.
Oh fuck.
That's gotta be her.
Hahaha, this is too easy.
Moxxie, do you want this one?
Yeah, this one's simple
enough for you to handle.
It's just a happy mother who
just got out of the hospital.
Snooze ya lose, Moxx.
Aaaand I gotcha bitch.
Are we actually killing a family!
No, don't be a puss
we're just killing a mother.
We're ruining a family.
Hol- Hold on, hold on.
Let's just think about thi-
What was that Ralphie!
I don't know Martha.
But whatever it is
They're gonna be tomorrow nights' dinner.
Alright kids, guns out!
Looks like we got some
rabbits to catch, youngins!
Eh heh heh heh heh.
What the fuck was that Moxxie!
I'm sorry! They just seemed
so wholesome and happy!
I panicked!
Oh who the fuck is innocent Moxxie.
From the moment of birth you're already
a parasite leaching off your momma's tits!
Get the fuck over yourself
you baby-dicked prick!
Oh, a new hole!
Where'd you go little critter?
Yall can't hide long from me.
Well hello little ones!
Aren't you cute-
It's nice to have a
new critter to play with.
Ohhhhh. Crumbs.
I know yer hurtin' little devil!
I promise I can make
that pain go real quick!
Just come let momma Martha put
a bullet in yer pretty little skull!
God damnit.
Stolas, this is a really bad time!
Mmm, when isn't it a bad time Blitzie.
What is it?
I've been meaning to follow
up on our last little conversation-
Regarding my grimoire.
What did you just call me?
My book, Blitzie.
The book I was given to do my job-
That I have allowed you to use to do yours.
I can hear you darlin'!
Anywho I have been thinking.
You know I have been permitting you to
access the mortal realm less than-
Legally For some time now?
But I do need it back
to fulfill my duties.
I was thinking. What if we worked
out some kind of Exchange?
Favors for favors?
Doesn't that sound. Enticing
You gotta stop using your
fancy ass rich people talk okay?
I'm trying to concentrate
on not getting fucked in my A.
Then let me keep it simple.
Once a month, on the full moon.
You return the book to me.
Followed by a night of
Passionate fornication.
Aaand, you get to keep it
all the rest of the time. Hmm?
Sound fair my little imp?
Fine whatever!
Ohh, Blitz.
Im so excited!
I cannot wait to feel your
slimy c—k inside of my —
So yer a little devil huh?
Come to drag me and my kin to Hell?
Well Not today Satan!
'Gonna send yall back where ya came from!
Oh I had that fucking shot.
Goddamnit, Moxxie.
Satan! We return your filthy creatures-
Back to the pits of Hell!
May the root of evil remain
honored as we continue thy work!
Yeah, that's not exactly how it works lady,
sorry your fire doesn't really hurt us-
But I mean I can fake it if
that'll get your dick hard.
Oh, shit!
Well, I'll just shootcha
in your smart-ass mouth!
That would be more effective.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You're not gettin' your god-damned
paycheck for this one Moxx.
Oh yeah, thanks! I'm fiiiiine.
I'm sorry sir.
I compromised our objective
and put us in harms way!
It won't happen again. I promise.
Apology accepted.
But if you ever pull a
stunt like this agaiiiin
I will fuck you and your wife-
Alrighty! Job well done! Now let's get off!
Eh, yeah give me a moment.
I need to get something
I left at the house.
Okay fine but hurry up.
Loona! We're ready to come home dear!
--- I'll use while you and I are-
making jelly sandwiches all night!
Don't move!
Hoo hoo what are you gonna do little guy?
Kill us?
I should!
You people are monsters!
But! you should have a
chance at a life, and a purpose.
Look at your children.
They have their whole future ahead of them
You are going to face your crimes justly.
I will call your Earthly authorities-
And they will make sure
you are dealt with fairly.
I'm handling this my way.
Oh shit.
Uh, do you uh?
Do you have a phone to summon 9-1-1.
Yeah it's in the kitchen.
Then what is this for?
It's a universal remote.
Got it for the kids.
There he is. Have a good
wank-off session Moxxie?
Excuse me-
Look I don't care where
you cum in the living world-
Just "come" to your job on time.
Alright, see you in the office
You doing okay sweetie?
Better now, honey.
I just think I needed a minute to process
You have a good heart, honey.
Just a fuzzy head!
We got it boys!
Oh, did you see my
little Mox-Moxx. He did it!
Oh Moxxie!
Well here's to another
mission accomplished-
And Moxxie finally
learned not to fuck up.
And killin' people isn't that
big-a-deal if they try to kill you back!
That's messed up. But I
paid for it! Ahahahahaha.
Yeah fuck that family.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode