Helluva Boss (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

Unhappy Campers

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!
Well if it isn't the deadbeat
Well if it isn't nurse pussy face
You aint gettin in here
How many times do I have to sodomize you with a taser before you take a hint?
As many as it takes to get me off, now enough with this foreplay, where's Barb?
She checked out months ago, but that ain't none of your business
Wait what? How? this is- wh-where the fuck did she go?
Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you ass clown
You know I kill people for a living, right bitch?
Oh I'm SO FUCKIN scared
Ugh Fine
Blitz, she's got a job now, a life.
Don't fuck it up by finding her
Oh that's nice, why don't you take that advice and shove it right between your pussy LIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiips
Sir! There's a client here who wants to-
[Slams Door]
I'm sorry, you were saying?
Well, its just that I'm sure one of the other camp counselors killed me
I'm just not sure which one
How could you not know?
I was out on the lake when my boat started to sink.
Someone had drilled holes in it
The counselors are the only ones with keys to the boathouse, and they're the only ones who knew I couldn't swim.
It had to be them
Hmm, we don't typically do investigations, I'll have to check with the boss
Uh, pardon moi sir.
Not now Mox
Sir, there's a client that needs us to investigate his death, and we don't usually
No tiiiime
But sir, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe-
What part of "NO. FUCKING. TIIIIIIIME." do you not understand?
Just handle it yourself
You want me to lead? On a hit?
I swear on all that is evil Mox if you aren't out of my office in negative 3 seconds-
We'll take the case!
And I'll be handling this investigation personally
Honey are you sure? What about Blitz?
Honey, honey please. Blitz put me in charge this time
He did?
Oh! I mean, He HE DID!
Right! And this is going to be the cleanest, most well prepped, most surgical hit we've ever had!
Don't worry sir! We'll find your killer
And give him what's coming to him
And/or her
Or they
Why the fuck wouldn't she tell you where she was going? I mean, did you even ask?
Wait hold on, I'm getting another call Hellooooooo
Oh Good, did you find-
Really, where?
Thanks, and I promise if we ever get a contract on your children
We'll make it quick and painless- BYEEEEEEEE
Are you sure this isn't a little much
It's my first lead Mills
It has to be perfect
Now in front of you, you'll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona
Memorize it. We've got a lot of work to do
[Children playing and laughing]
Okay Millie, one last time for safety
(in girly voice) I'm Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?
Your brother Millerd, I like sports and fuckin bitches
Hm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting
Maybe lose that last part
Alright, I think we're ready
Hey Mox!
Check out that shady lookin fella over there
I think that's our guy
Ahem, Millie I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct an-
No that's definitely him. That bags full of money, and drugs, and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat
But- But that's all circumstantial at best!
We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure
Now he's lookin around and heading into that locked boathouse we heard about
That would be the perfect place to-
Fine Mox we'll do it your way
With my sleuthing skills and your killer eye
We should have this wrapped up in no time
Now, we just have to find the kids with the most influence
Oh Target. Aquired.
[Offscreen] HEY!
So he snorted a whole line of ground up mints, and tried to convince us he was high
Can you EVEN believe him?
Oh that Derek! What a riot! Riiiiiiiight?
Um, who the fuck are you?
I'm Moxxine, I'm the prettiest girl at my school
And all the boys want me
My favorite coloooooor is hot pink
Because normal pink is sooooooooo-
I like horses, puppies, fast cars, jewlery-
And I got my first period last year
And it was SOOOOO HEAVY!
I guess I'm just more mature than your typical preteen
So, you wanna be frieeeeeeends?
The fuck is wrong with your legs?
Wha- Um Oh! I um- uh
I was in an accident?
The same accident that fucked up your skin?
You look like you spent three years in a tanning bed
It's uuuuh Natural?
Ahah! Yeah, you wish.
That botch job looks like it cost five bucks in an alley behind Walmart
Get lost you fucking freak!
But I- eeeeh
Mean Girl: Oh my god! WHO is THAT?
Look how beautifully tan he is
That was
The best spike I've ever seen
Please I need medical attention
First Aid is for WINNERS!
Oh my GOD, he is so fucking HOT!
Oh! Ya know he's my brother
Hi, I'm lookin for one of your employees, her name is Barbie. Does she work here?
Wait what? Who are you?
Someone who's gonna get reeeal creative if you don't tell him what he wants!
Where is she fucknut?
I know you know! It only gets worse from here asshole!
Okay! Okay! She's out on a pickup!
Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!
Mhmm. I saw.
Can you believe this? Everyone LOVES me, they're cheering, -
- they even posted videos of me online. LOOK!
OOOH MOXXIE THAT WAS SO FUN! No wonder you sing all the time!
Not exactly low profile
I know but it's kinda nice havin people cheer for me for once ya know?
Don't forget what we're here to do Millie
I havn't. I'm just waitin until you're ready
Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?
No of course not
I can't get anything from anyone because they're too busy swooning over you
If you want we can go off the guy right now!
I think he's alone in the cabin-
I have to do this right
I tell you what
Why don't you try winning them over with something you're good at like I did?
How about your music?
I can even help you since they already love me
Yeah YEAH!
That just might work
Millie: Ya'll wanna hear a SOOOOONG?
Crowd: Yeeeah!
Alright! I know you all like me, but Moxxine is the real deal y'all
Let him-heeeeer tell ya all abouit it!
Thank you
You okay?
[Moxxie sobbing uncontrollably]
Moxxie what's going on?
Honey no.
I just wanna go home
Hey big guy I know you can do this
You're the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know
[Choked sob]
an- an- and investigator?
And investigator.
I know it's been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths
You have all week to get it right
Thank you
MOX! MOX! You'll never believe it!
They want me to perform on stage tonight for the local news!
Those videos have made me some kind of human celebrity
All week it's been "Oh look at MILLERD! Isnt HE great?"
"Oh look how talented MILLERD is!"
WE have a JOB to do, and you're off dancing for views
Why does it matter SO MUCH how these yokels feel about you?
It doesn't
It matter how I feel about myself.
And for once I feel like
Like I'm important!
Like I'm someone to be proud of
And I had hoped that my husband would be there to support me -
HALF as much as I'VE supported him THIS WEEK!
Millie I didn't mean-
You could have finished that job any time if you had just listened to me
But you wanted to do things YOUR WAY
So fine. Finish the job, go home if you want to -
But I'm gonna have my moment WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!
Oh crumbs
It's here man, I swear!
Open it
Thanks chump
You ready to go on champ?
I guess
Great, now get out there and put camp IVANNAKUMMORE on the MAP!
[Crowd Cheers]
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Boys and Girls!
Are you ready for a SHOOOOOW?
I am very proud to introduce to you -
Someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth
Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian -
The voice of an angel
the acrobatic technique of an indentured twelve year old Russain ballerina
And a body that -
[Clears throat]
The best, and most supportive person I've ever known
And the love of my life
My wife-
Brotheeeeer Millerd!
Thank you
Knock'em dead baby
Speaking of
You sure?
Go get'em baby
What in the- SIR?
MOXXIE? What the fuck are you doing here?
Trying to finish the job you gave me
Christ on a stick, you're still workin on that? It's been like a fucking week
THIS is why I don't trust you with dick Mox
And what exactly are you doing here sir?
Apparently helping finish your botched job
But mostly I'm looking for my sister-
You know her?
Do I know her? That's my sister fuckface!
[Crowd explodes with cheers]
What the fuck are you doing here shithead?
I should be asking you the same thing!
You check yourself out of rehab, no call, no note -
And I have to track you down to this shithole with-
who the fuck is this?
No one, he works for me, and whos the little twink here?
No one He works for me
Sir! That guys the target!
Oh shit Barb! Looks like your little boy toy got himself into some trouble
The fuck are you talking about?
He killed our client, and now our client wants to kill him back
You fucking WHAT?
He found out about your drugs
I don't want to fucking hear it kid, look you're not killing my supplier
Oh fuck supplier of what? You're not back on that H-8 are you?
FUCK NO, Its just heroin
Oh thank Satan
[Child screams in futility ]
So now you're peddling heroin? What's the point? That shit barely gets rid of a headache
It's honest work okay? And I thought it would be sure to keep me as far away from you as possible
And you teamed up with genius here because?
Do you have any idea how easy teenage humans are to manipulate?
Heeey! No I'm not!
Oh Jimmy-wimmy can you pwease keep loading up deez dwuggie-wuggies for me?
Heh, sure Barb. Whatever you say
Sir I've spent a week on this
I'm finishing it, one way, or another
Don't you dare!
[80's style rock anthem begins]
Ooooo! You got the power
Ooooo! You got the power
Barbie: Come on Blitzo, Havn't you fucked my life up enough already?
[Song] YEAH!
A tale as old as Rock and Roll
When you win, you're the best
You work until you reach the goal from within
That't the test! Woah woah!
You fight until you reach the top
To rub it in their face! Woah! Woah!
You love so hard your flesh explodes!
And you win the fuckin race!
Ooooo You got the power
[Girl screams]
Oooooo You got the power
A heat so hot it burns your hole like a fire when you pee
The inner flame inside your soul makes you cry -
You flex your cheeks until it hurts
You bust out of your jeans! Woah! Woah!
You blow your load on all your foes!
And drown out all their screams!
Oooooo You got the power
Ooooooo You got the power
Thanks a lot Blitzo, I'm out of a job!
Barb wait!
I want help you- Let me help you. Please?
You're clean now right- let's grab dinner, we'll catch up, and we'll talk about-
Hehahaha You don't fucking GET IT!
Just cause I'm outta rehab doesn't mean I wanna see you
I NEVER wanna see you EVER!
Next time you want to find me Blitzo-
[Crowd cheering]
Looks like you did it
You did it.
I'm so proud of you Millie
And I'm sorry I let you down
Just don't do it again dummy
[Crowd goes silent]
[Noises of two lovesick imps about to raw dog begin]
[ Like it's so graphic]
[There goes the tube top]
[Exhibitionism activated]
Internet sensation and local celebrity Millerd Realboy caught incesting tonight!
Showcasing a sickening display onlookers deemed:
Too disturbing to look away and we wont.
Gonna be honest Moxxie-
Not too bad for your first solo mission
Reeeeeally siiiir?
Nooo, no not really.
You're a fucking disgrace
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