Helluva Boss (2019) s02e06 Episode Script


[cock-Oo clock rings]
Rise and shine ozzie!
[airhorn blows]
Eaugh Again with the horn?
Don't blame me
Blame how fcking fun they are
[airhorn blows]
M'kay, so! Today you have a meeting with the distributor about the new shipment of vibrators
Then you gotta host a safety meeting because of what happened with the old shipment of vibrators ♪
And then, you have a nooner with prince stolas
[sighs] you scheduled me during lunch?
Well, you're pretty good at "squeezing things in"
But i left time for a big ol' breakfaaaast
Lemme guess? I'm handling that too?
I mean, unless you want me to take a crack at cooking again?
No. Never again.
Whaaat? Maybe i can burn the milk this time!
Oh! You know what i'm craving?
Nooo! It's too early for burgers ya maniac.
burger time! Burger time! Burger time!
[both laugh]
[humming continues]
Woaaah Hueah
[metallic thunk]
[gut wrenching scream]
Yeah, yeah, i know i can pick up some more while i'm out today
About that
You're still going to that contest rehearsal?
Without me?
Well, y-You have a packed day today, and i know you aren't big on the whole mammon thing.. So
[interrupts] it's the greed ring
One of the cities literally called
Ah! You worry too much, you know i ain't afraid of ropes
'sides, i'm s i i p p e r y ♪
I mean, only after i
[muffled] what?
C'mon oz! I can be on my own one day!
But you haven't been to the greed ring alone since becoming mam's big grand-Figure
Yeah i guess, but it's not like i'm gonna stick around
I can get you an escort
Augh! I can handle it!
C'mon big daddy!
[snorts, laughter]
Well, you know i can't say no to a face that cute
Mhmm! That's why i use it.
Just try to stay out of trouble fizzie-Frog
Ahh! Stop it!
[both giggling]
Oz i have the new shipment of
Ya mind?
Trying to have an un-Emotional bang sesh here!
Yeah! Cuz we're so not in love
Love. Is. Stupid.
That was close, huh?
Just come right back when it's over, and keep your phone on ya, ok?
Got it riiiight here!
Be riiiight back after!
Don't worry oz
I'll be super low-Key
nobody will notice me
[choking sounds]
[queives squeaking]
[claps, whistles]
[queives (yeah you saw that right, they're called queives, like queefs plural) squeaking]
[fizz laughter]
Woah! Girls, girls!
[queives squeaking, fizz laughter]
Man, it's great not being in the spotlight for once!
Look lady, it's not my fault if you only know how to make coffee that tastes like piss!
Woah woah woah woah woah!
[queives squeaking]
Oh wow!
Looky who it is!
Oh fck
You again
Stalkin' me now, huh?
Oh don't fckin' flatter yourself, clown
I have my own life, ya know
Without you in it
Uh huh, sure!
The "o" is silent now, bitch!
And gee whiz!
We've been in each other's relative vicinity, twice in the last fifteen years!
That would make me
The shittiest stalker, in history!
Is already way too much.
Yeah? Well at least i'm still actually working for my shit
And not getting everything handed to me like some pampered attention whore!
[fizz growls]
[queives squeaking]
Yeah, well
Guess that's what resilience and talent gets ya.
My horns were always bigger than yours
Weren't they?
[footsteps running]
[fizz screaming]
Crim: so
You say you're good?
'cuz we really need a big score right now
Striker: the best, had a royal on the ropes just last week..
Sure But not dead?
It was
Called off.
But i have a body count in the hundreds
I ain't afraid to go after anyone
Women, kids
And cute little faced puppy-Lookin' things
Don't matter
I'll tell ya what
If you can deliver something of value
Crim: i'll consider it.
One moment
[striker laughter]
Striker: funny to run into ya again, "blitzy"
And with a famous friend
Aw fck me
For the record
We are not friends
[willy wank-A dildo factory noises, lol get it]
[omg wait "willy" lol]
Ozzie: larger, you can never be too large
Ozzie: [laughs] you can never be too large
Get this spot right, and that's good!
I like.. Ooh i like that, that's good, mhmm
[watch beeps]
Ozzie: stolas!
Hey there birdy babe.
Haven't seen you since you crashed my club, how you been?
[giggles] still gettin' your kink on with that feisty imp?
[nervous laughter] well, um, that's actually what i'm here about
You see, i um..
Seem to have found myself with
Feelings for him
And i'm not sure if it's a mutual thing.
Well, i can tell ya
If you're looking for a love potion
You came to the wrong fcking guy
I don't fck with that artificial bullshit!
Lust, shouldn't be about force
It's an art!
To be earned
And enjoyed.
It's all about that journey
To pleasure town
You feel me?
[ozzie giggles]
Oh! No! Never
Never that
I just You see
This imp has a business he runs
He needs to access the mortal realm to carry out his work
I know your demons are some of the only ones who can traverse freely, and legally
I was wondering if you could assist me in
Finding a way he could too?
Oh! Hmmm, stolas
My heart bleeds for you, but my partner
Uh business partner, fizzarolli
Hates your imp guy
Blitzo, right?
Ozzie: haaates-Uh
He does? But why?
Not my story to tell, but trust me
I would help if i could
But i can't, sorry
[phone croaks froggily]
Hello asmodeus
You don't know me but you don't need to
All you need to know is that i have your little jester here with me
[ozzie growls]
If you want him back alive, you will give me exactly what i want
Do you have any idea who you are fcking with?
[interrupts] i think it's a recording
Ya probably just asked if i know who i'm dealing with
And oh yes, i know
The weakest and most non-Threatening of the sins
The king who will do whatever it takes to save the worst kept secret in all of hell
We both know you won't risk anything happening to the clown
So be a good little bitch boy and do the thing
My lawyers will be over shortly with the contract of demands
You have until the witching hour to sign it
[crim laughs]
Now cut
I said cut it ya fckin moron
[ozzie roars]
[fizz struggling]
Oh chill out, jester
Christ on a stick, it's like you've never been tied up before
Ugh, sure by not by a buncha psychos
Ack! And a piece of shit!
Am i?
Ok Ok am i the psycho or the piece of shit?
Yeah, that checks
How is this happening?
I was just supposed to grab some gas station milk and rehearse some juggliiiing!
Oh relax, i'm sure your big royal chicken ain't gonna let anything happen to his peppy lil' fck doll
Ooooh playin' that card huh? Ok
What about you?
Seems your tastes have gotten more
"regal" lately? [laughs ]
Yeah well unlike you, i fck who i want when i want
I'm not gonna be tied down to some big blue-Blood asshole
You coulda fooled me, the way princey was cozying up to you at ozzie's
Hey! Stolas only cares about having a rugged peasant raw-Dog him into his mattress
It's nothing, ya know
It's nothing else
Then why were you even there?
Other very important reasons of course!
Whatever, i don't actually care
I mean, stolas is just a loud, thirsty, bitch who loves feeling the thrill of getting dicked by the lower class
It's a novelty to him
Literally just said i don't care
And then! He'll call me and try and see how my day was
And he'll pretend to care about me, and comment on my photos and
Laugh at my jokes
Oh! Well that's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit
I know, right?
He's just a fake privileged asshole
Sounds like you just hate him for bein' a prince
Because no one, and i mean no one, pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay
Point is
Royal demons don't give a shit about guys like us
They're all the fckin' same
Thats not!
A-Always true
But, i guess you're right
They can't all be the same if some have taste
And some wanna fck you
Can we talk about something other than my sex life?
Satan's taint Is fcking that lust guy make this what you're all about now?
You brought it up, asshole!
Would you two shut the fck up already?
Bicker like a couple of teen skanks
As far as i'm concerned
You two are both embarrassments to our kind for meddlin' with blue-Bloods to begin with
But at least loud-Mouth here has the sense to only fck his rich bitch
Instead of bein' a little purse dog
Oh, great! The fcking supremacist is on my side, wonderful
Neither of you filth bags know what you're even talkin' about
If you think you're superior to anyone, then you're no better than any royal
Don't. You. Dare
Finish that sentence, clown
Hey! Hick-For-Hire!
I said watch em', not fck em'
Keep ya hands off the merchandise!
Eaugh! Ever heard of mouthwash?
Fck faaaaccceeeee!
[groans] can i just sign it already? Like, can we move this along?
Sire, you need to know the contents of this contract, you can't just sign it
A deal made with a sin like yourself would be everlastingly binding
Perhaps i can look it over, i'm a fast reader
Oh! Hmm
This is a contract giving crimson all of ozzie's factory assets
And, giving him permission to use fizzarolli's head for a wall decoration
Wait, what?
Juuuust making sure you're paying attention!
[nervous laugh] here's the real contract
[excited chicken noises] ooh this will be fun!
I love words!
[fizz struggling]
Ya know? You're really bad at this
Hmm Ya know?
Last time i checked
I was a fcking jester, not an escape arti
[robotic arm buzzing]
[sniffles] i just wanna go home
Hmm You want me to get you out?
Y Y.. Yes
You had a knife this whole time?
[fizz whimpers]
[what? He does!]
[fizz whimpers]
Now stop bitchin' while i work this
Blitz: ahhh, bingo!
So what now, genius?
See that remote?
I mean, i could stretch down there
No, no
I have a better idea
[fizz yelling]
[goons cheering]
[goon screm]
Keep it down! I'm shootin' 8 ball ova hea'!
What's goin' on?
Shut the fck up
Oh fck me
That didn't w
[fizz yelling]
Show off
The fck?
Get them!
Augh, this usually works!
What the fck fizz?
How is someone this flexible, this useless in combat?
I'm a performer! I sing, i dance, i promote products that i don't actually use..
I don't do danger!
Well good to know you're still a wimpy circus puss
[fizz growls]
I'd give you a comeback, but that'd imply i give a shit what you think
You always cared what i thought!
Ohoho, after what you did to me?
I didn't do anything, it was an accident!
An accident?
Are you kidding me?
You always had it out for me, because people liked me better!
You wanted me gone, because you were jealous!
Just wanting the spotlight!
I looked up to you, i thought you were my best friend
You ruined my life
And then you just left me
I lost so much because of you
And you selfish piece of shit
You didn't even care!
I did care!
It was an accident!
It was!
Ok you're right, it was all my fault, ok?
I I should've done more to help, i was.. I was trying
There was so much going on
I was trying to get help, fizz
I just
It was still my fault
Glad you could admit it
Want a medal?
Look i'm sorry, fizz
I am so sorry you got so hurt
I'm sorry for what you lost, and i I know i can never make that right
But you have no idea what i lost in that fire
I mean its Its all my fault
I'd hate me too
I mean i do hate
Fizz: so
Why didn't you try to tell me any of this?
Or come see me?
Even once would've been fine!
I tried.. You were all i had left, fizz
But they told me you didn't want to see me
I never told them that?
Bullshit.. You didn't?
No? And no one told me you came!
Both: oooohhh
Waaaooohhh christ on a stick!
Trying to have a fckin' emotional moment, here!
Stolas: ok, so!
I believe this draft allows for some factory ownership, specifically located in the greed ring
With allocated funds going to your client for the foreseeable future
While ensuring the safe return of one "fizzarolli"
Yeah sure sounds good Now lemme just re-Read thissssssuh
Hurry up!
Yelling won't make me read faster
Misunderstanding or no
Its hard to just forgive you
Its been fifteen years and
That's so much time
But! [fizz fighty sounds]
I guess you didn't really ruin my life
What, you're telling me getting blown up didn't ruin your life?
It was painful And challenging, and you know
Fuck you, still
It's not like i'm broken
And i now have someone who understands me and..
[hyah, hah, fck you]
My life has actually been pretty great
Yeah, that's lovely.. You got a good thing going on with that horny rooster fcker dontcha?
Oh yeah, it been
Uh, cuz you know
It's a great gig! And And
And he's got the biggest cock
You know? Like massive!
I mean imagine like
The biggest
Just a giant
Like a kaiju
But its a cock, ya know what i mean?
Like a big monster
Its big, its huge (i'm being paid to write this lol)
Yeah yeah yeah i get it, i get it!
I'm happy for ya, fizz
If ya wanna prove yourself, cowboy
Here's your chance!
You been a pain in my ass long enough, blitz
Now, i'm gon' break you like a fckin' horse!
Ohhhh don't you dare talk sexy to me
You're still on the horse thing?
[striker laughs]
Remember how you used to distract my dad so i could steal his booze?
I mean, yeah? Why?
Yeah well, i need to get up to that window there to bust us out
One distraction, comin' up!
[music starts]
When i was a young boy
I'd never thought it comes to this
The scars all seem to heal..
And soon all i feel is regret
And noooow i'm a grown man
I've lost it all again
But what i'll miss the most
Pay close attention, while you get a look at
Yeah look at this!
Then look at that!
And here's a hat!
This nonsense mostly doesn't mean a thiiiing!
But listen closely, maybe it explains everything!
The secret to bitcoin!
Computers and microchips!
The key to the future
If you only
Look at this!
Riches untold, you'll have dollars and gold!
If you focus on me, as the story unfolds
Look at this!
I hold they key to the mystery!
Look at this!
Look at nothing except for me!
Look at this!
That was gibberish!
Blitzo hurry the fck up.
I don't know how long i can do thiiiis
I'm gonna need another 60 seconds!
Aw fck!
Ok the thing i'm trying to say
I will say if you look this waaaaaayyy
[fizz stutters]
Uh y.. Ya know, its Its uh
Just as-A nonna fizzarolli used to say
[sings in italtian] stink lasanga!
Side dish, limoncello
Loud, soft
Good morning with clams
Luigi, florence, bucatini
Wild boar, wild boar
Soooooo look at
Please look at this!
I am running out of places i can take this bit
So look at this!
Look at my face.
I regret every event that got me in this place
This riddle song is driving me insane
My exhaustion is audible
Now the ending is probable
Cuz' this ruse is impossible to maintain!
So fckiiin'
[alessio does a mom-Hand at crim]
[both laughing]
You know, you're actually pretty good at this action-Hero bullshit
And you really know how to put on a show! [gasp]
Which is almost [gasp] as impressive as the thing you said i was good at!
[fizz laughs]
I guess, royal jesters first?
[fizz screams]
Get Your..
Fcking shit-Stain claws off him!
[striker laughs]
You think i'm just gon' let you get ways after all this?
I'm through losin' these fights!
This worthless little pet reeks of his over-Bloated master
I'll at least enjoy gettin' rid of im'
Is it bad that i'm getting hard?
Shut the fck up!
Why's it always a sex thing?
[critter noises]
You blew me up again, you fckin' prick!
I did
But this time, i stuck around
Wooooould iiit
Fuck up the moment if we made out right now?
[owl noises]
That's it!
I'm going to fcking end your life
[cutely] fizzieeee!
[canoodling noises]
Hmmm.. Get fcked little one
[fizz laughs]uyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyuy - (pixel the cat's contribution)
Oh my satan!
[sigh] i'm so glad you're ok, babe
You ain't never leaving the palace without protection, again
Oz You know there's eyes around
I know. I don't care.
Cuz they know, if they tell anyone, i'll
Break them
Well don't worry, today i learn that i hate going outside!
You won't have to, again
I'm sorry I got a little messy
You don't need to apologize for getting banged up, babe!
I'm just sorry i couldn't be there
It's ok, oz
Guess i'm just not used to this kinda thing
[ozzie sighs] it's been an intense day
Just take it easy, ok?
Oh its fine! I'm fine! Really!
You know i bounce back fast!
Soooo Besides my whole scary hostage thing How was your day?
Well i was stuck with stolas the whole time
Who, by the way asked me
To give him one of my crystals, as a gift for that guy you hate!
So! I told him
Meh Fck it Let him have it
Excuse me?
Yeah why not? You could say
He earned it
Alright then
Anything for you
[ fizz giggles]
Now! I don't know about you
But having a violent brush with crime has given me a whole mess of new kinks
Wanna go
Make a mess?
You really think that's a good idea right now, fizz?
Sure, don't you?
Well Obviously
[fizz laughs]
Fizz: meow, meow, cuddle meow
Btw: don't worry, the quieves all made it home safe and sound
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