Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e19 Episode Script

School Play

Why don't you take a picture,
Arnold-o, it'll last longer.
I was just trying
to figure out
what this green stuff is.
Who cares what it is?
It's green, it's in a dish.
If you're gonna eat it,
put it on your tray.
If you're not gonna eat it,
move along.
You know, Helga,
I don't know why you always
have to act so mean.
You think you're so bad,
but deep down,
I don't think you are.
In fact, I have a feeling
you're probably a nice,
normal sensitive person.
And maybe, one day,
you won't be so afraid
to show it.
What do you know,
football head?
I am bad.
See, I am as bad
as they come.
I'm bad to the bone, buck-o,
and don't you forget it.
Okay, Helga, whatever you say.
Arnold, what a boob.
What an annoying
little smarty-pants,
How I despise him.
And yet (GULPS)
I love him.
His noble curiosity,
his cool keen
powers of observation.
His unfaltering sense
of right and wrong.
Oh, if only I could find
strength to tell him
how much I adore him.
If only there was some way
I could let him know.
Some way I could whisper
my secret adoring thoughts,
soothe his fevered brow.
Dare I even think it,
kiss the lips that haunt
my girlish dreams.
Oh! If only.
If only.
What are you doing down there?
Nothing, I just dropped
a quarter, that's all.
A quarter?
Yeah, that's right.
A quarter.
Now, go get me a milk,
and step on it, Phoebe!
Make it chocolate,
with a bendy straw!
Quiet. I have an exciting
and very special announcement.
I have been assigned
to direct P.S. 118's
annual school play.
And I've chosen
one of the theater's
great works
for you all to perform,
William Shakespeare's
Romeo and Juliet!
Isn't that just thrilling?
The play is a tragic
and beautiful story
of two star-crossed teenagers
in love.
Although, their families
were sworn enemies,
when Romeo and Juliet's eyes
met across a crowded room,
they both fell head over heels
in love.
Their parents and friends
wanted to keep them apart,
but they vowed to be together,
no matter what Yes, Stinky?
That sounds like
a mushy old love story.
Why can't we do a play
with some fighting in it?
Well, Stinky, although,
technically Romeo and Juliet
is a love story,
there's plenty of action
in the plot.
And, in fact,
two of the characters,
Romeo and Tybalt,
become embroiled
in an exciting sword fight.
Now, that's more like it.
I wanna be in the sword fight!
Maybe you can, Harold,
auditions will be
this afternoon
in the auditorium.
And you're all welcome
to come and try out.
Ha! Fourth graders
doing Romeo and Juliet.
What a dopey idea.
Well, I can tell you
one thing,
there's no way Helga G. Pataki
is gonna be in any dumb
Shakespeare play.
"Now, when the bridegroom,
"in the morning,
comes to rouse thee
from thy bed,
"there art thou, dead."
That was wonderful, Stinky.
You'll make a very special
Friar Laurence.
Do I get to stab some fellars?
Uh, well, not exactly, Stinky.
Friar Laurence is a kind
and wise man of the cloth.
Oh, gee.
Tybalt, you rat-catcher,
will you walk?
What wouldst thou
have with me?
Good King of Cats,
nothing but one of
your nine lives,
I mean to make bold withal.
Will you pluck your sword out
of its pilcher by the ears?
I am for you!
Tybalt, Mercutio,
the prince hath
expressly forbid
the bandying
in Verona streets.
Wonderful, Curly! You'll make
a terrific Mercutio.
And, Harold, you have
a very special relationship
with the character Tybalt.
And I think, we may have found
our Romeo in Eugene.
You mean, I get to play Romeo?
You're perfect for the part.
Romeo, the brave,
brooding romantic youth,
who risks it all for love.
Romeo, who shares a kiss
with Juliet in the last
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying
whoever has to be Romeo
has to kiss a girl?
Yes, Harold, it's one
of the more beautiful
and special moments
in the play.
Kiss a girl?
That really bites.
Uh, I really would prefer
not to have to kiss a girl.
But, we need a Romeo.
He's a very important part
of the play.
That's too disgusting,
even for me.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Someone has to play Romeo.
You can't have
Romeo and Juliet
without a Romeo.
No, Romeo is a wonderful part.
The kissing is just
one small scene.
Boys, wait. Come back.
You get to kill Tybalt
with a sword.
Bravo, Simmons.
Mr. Leichliter, is that you?
Indeed, it is I.
And it appears I am
the only member
of your audience left
in the house.
If this production
is even half as bad
as the Long Day's Journey
Into Night,
that your third grade class
fumbled through last year,
then I shall enjoy
describing its every pathetic
flaw and fault in my review
in the bi-weekly Bugle.
I promise you, Leichliter,
these very special children,
under my direction,
will put on a Romeo and Juliet
that will move you
and the entire audience
to tears.
(LAUGHING) Yes, tears from
their hysterical laughter.
Methinks, you pretend
too much, Simmons.
Well, methinks,
I shall prove you wrong.
If the speeches
from your young cherubs' lips
doth not sing,
there will be no force
that will remove the sting
which, from my nimble fingers,
my scathing review will wing.
It even rhymes.
You'll see.
The following girls
have been chosen
for callback auditions
for the role of Juliet.
Lila, Sheena, Phoebe.
That's me.
Oh, look, Rhonda,
you got a callback, too.
Naturally, Sheena.
Well, I guess we'll find out
this afternoon who's going
to play Juliet.
And, I want you girls
to know beforehand,
that I really do wish you
all the luck in the world.
Thank you, Rhonda.
That is so nice of you.
Arnold! Arnold, I've been
looking all over for you.
I want you to play Romeo.
Mr. Simmons,
that's a really big part.
You know, there's a lot
of lines to learn, and I
I need you to play Romeo.
Look, that's really nice
of you to pick me.
But, I'm sure there's
I've already asked
everybody else.
You're my last hope.
So, let me get this straight,
I'm the last guy on your list?
Um, well, yes. But, that's
not important right now.
What is important
is the play.
I don't know, Mr. Simmons,
all those lines, and then,
there's that kissing thing.
Please, I'm counting on you.
Be Romeo, please.
Please. Please. Please.
Okay, I will play Romeo.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Thanks again, Arnold.
And, I just heard
Arnold is going to play Romeo.
It's not a bad choice.
I mean,
if Juliet has to kiss Romeo,
it could be worse.
Yeah, it could. Yeah.
He's sweet.
I really like him.
Arnold is playing Romeo.
And Romeo and Juliet
actually kiss on stage?
Then, that means,
maybe I Yes.
Yes. This is it!
The play.
The play's the thing!
The way for me
to finally tell Arnold
how I feel about him.
What could be more perfect
than this?
To confess the love that
dare not pass these lips,
conceive them to my love's,
in one sweet, tender kiss.
And the best part
is there is no risk,
because it won't be me
doing it,
it will be me as Juliet.
They'll all think
it's just acting.
(LAUGHING) What a great plan.
O, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father,
refuse thy name,
or if thou wilt not
What's in a name?
That which we call rose,
by any other name
would smell as sweet.
Romeo, doff thy name,
and for that name,
which is no part of thee,
take all myself.
Oh, that was terrific.
Rhonda All, all of you
were very good. Thank you.
Well, now that I've seen
all the Juliets
(PANTING) I'm here
for the Juliet callbacks.
Oh, um, Helga,
I didn't see you
at the first auditions.
I had a dentist appointment.
Where do you want me?
Helga, the truth is
I've already made my decision.
I'd like to have all of you
play Juliet,
but I can only choose
one girl.
Rhonda, you will be
our Juliet.
Sheena, I'm awarding you
the honor of first understudy.
Phoebe, you'll be the second.
And, Lila, you'll be
the third understudy.
Where does that leave me?
Well, Helga, I appreciate
the sudden interest
and enthusiasm.
So, I'm awarding you
the position
of fourth understudy
for the part of Juliet.
What's that in English?
That means
that in the unlikely event
that Rhonda, Sheena,
Phoebe, and Lila,
are all for whatever reason,
unable to perform the part,
then you will play Juliet.
So, what you're saying is,
if they all drop out
then I'm Juliet.
That's right.
But, I should caution you
that the odds of
all four girls dropping out
of the play
are pretty unlikely.
I don't want you to get
your hopes up.
Oh, I understand, Mr. Simmons.
I'll play Juliet, all right.
All I gotta do
is knock off Rhonda,
Sheena, Phoebe and Lila.
And, when the curtain rises,
only a fortnight from now,
I'll be Juliet
to Arnold's Romeo,
when we take our final bow.
Romeo and Juliet, huh?
And you're playing Romeo?
You got your work
cut out for you, Shortman.
I know.
I had to learn so many lines.
I will help you, Arnold.
You, Mr. Hyunh?
I'm very dramatic.
That's a polite word
for what you are.
Mr. Simmons,
I'd like to volunteer
to be the head costumer
for the show.
Oh, really? Well, that's
wonderful, Helga.
So giving and thoughtful
of you.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
I'll get started
on Juliet's costume tonight.
I'm sure you'll do
a wonderful job.
No, no, no, no, no.
There is no way
I'm wearing that
That pathetic excuse
for a frock,
in front of people.
But, this is Juliet's costume.
If you're gonna play Juliet,
you have to wear it.
That's where
you're wrong, Helga.
I'm just going
to have to tell Mr. Simmons
that Juliet's costume
has to be entirely redesigned
from scratch.
Oh Gee, Rhonda,
Mr. Simmons designed
this dress himself.
If you told him
you don't like it,
it would just crush him.
Well, I simply cannot wear
that dress in public.
It's hideous.
Then, I guess, you'll just
have to tell Mr. Simmons
that you hate the dress
that he loves and slaved over
for weeks.
Either that, or
Well, gee
What, Helga?
Drop out of the play.
When I was a boy,
I was also in the school play
of Romeo and Juliet.
Did you play Romeo?
No. No.
He has to kiss a girl.
It is too yucky.
Now, I believe,
you should be Romeo,
and I will be Juliet.
You start.
Farewell. I will omit
no opportunity
that may convey my greetings.
Love to thee.
O, think'st
Thou we shall
ever meet again?
Uh I doubt it not.
And all these woes shall serve
for sweet discourses
in our times to come.
O God,
I have an ill-divining soul.
So, anyway,
I'm really sorry Mr. Simmons.
But, I'm going to have to
back out of playing Juliet,
uh, on
On religious grounds.
Oh, all right, Rhonda,
I'm sorry to hear that.
But, if you're sure
I'm sure.
Sheena, could I see you
for a moment?
I can't believe
I'm actually
gonna play Juliet.
Yeah. Take a powder, honey.
Juliet is a great part,
don't you think?
Well, that's what I hear.
I haven't actually gotten
through the whole play yet.
Well, let me tell you,
it's a humdinger.
all the violent parts.
Violent parts?
Are you kidding?
Romeo and Juliet
is loaded with violence.
Real blood and gut stuff,
sword fights, rotting corpses.
I've always been
against violence.
Just the sight of blood
makes me queasy.
You're kidding?
Well, you know
about the end, right?
She's in a crypt.
You know, a mausoleum,
full of dead rotting corpses
and bats.
And then, she takes
this big, sharp, rusty dagger,
and she holds it up,
high over her head.
And then
Oh, it's great.
Real bloody, violent stuff.
Um, you know, Helga,
I'm not sure
I'm the right girl for Juliet.
Gee, Sheena, really?
I'll tell Mr. Simmons
Phoebe can play the part.
I really wanted to be
the head costumer, anyway.
You can start with this.
It needs a lot of work.
PHOEBE: Thanks for
coming over to help me
with my lines, Helga.
I still can't believe
I'm going to be
playing Juliet.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, me either.
Talk about pressure,
you must be really nervous.
Oh, not at all.
I'm confident
that I can learn all my lines
and perform
the part successfully.
Oh, well. Sure, Phoebe, but
I mean,
there's so many lines.
I mean, what if
you forgot one?
Or, what if you just
completely blank out?
With all those people
watching you,
you'd be humiliated.
They'd all laugh at you.
And, you'd be letting down
Mr. Simmons,
and all us kids,
who worked so hard
on the show.
I I hadn't considered that.
What if you're suddenly struck
with an attack of stage fright
and you just freeze out there,
under all those hot lights?
And you can't see anything.
And everything
starts spinning,
and your glasses fall off,
Class, I have an announcement.
As of today,
we have another new Juliet.
Lila will essay the role,
since Phoebe has decided
she would rather be
our stage manager.
Thank you, ever so much.
Three down, one to go.
Then, I'll essay Juliet,
in Mr. Shakespeare's show.
Her eyes in the heaven,
would through the airy region
stream so bright
Arnold, I wanted to do
something to help you
with your play.
So, I made Suzie write
all your lines on these
tiny pieces of paper.
And, when you forget
your lines,
you pull them out
of your pants and read them.
Isn't that cheating?
MR. HYUNH: Oskar.
Mr. Hyunh?
Why do you always
have to cheat?
Oskar, why can't you act
like a normal person?
Me? What about you?
You're wearing a dress.
That is to help Arnold.
I am Juliet.
You're not Juliet,
you're a sad man
wearing a dress.
But I'm Juliet. Juliet!
HELGA: It's such
a violent play, Lila.
All those bloody sword fights,
and everything,
doesn't it just disgust you?
Not at all. The violence
only serves to underscore
the real meaning of the play,
which is that
"love conquers all."
Oh, well, what about
all those lines?
I mean, what if
you blow it on stage?
I never get stage fright.
I feel just oh-so comfortable
in front of an audience.
What about that crazy costume
you have to wear?
I've seen the work
Sheena has done on the dress.
I think it's just delightful.
Look, Lila,
I have to play Juliet.
Why, Helga?
Because, I just do, okay?
Well, if you don't have
a reason
I have a reason!
I just can't tell you
what it is.
It isn't by any chance
because you like Arnold,
is it?
Are you crazy?
Oh, because,
if that was the reason,
if you wanted to play Juliet
because you really like Arnold
and you wanted to kiss him
or something,
well, I sure
could understand that.
I guess, I'd think
it was ever so sweet.
And, I wouldn't mind
giving up the part
so you could do it.
You mean, if I said
I liked Arnold,
then you'd let me play Juliet?
Sure, Helga, but you don't.
So, I guess
Wait a minute.
Yes, Helga?
Strictly hypothetically,
if I said I liked Arnold,
talk about crazy idea,
would you swear
never to tell a soul about it?
I suppose so, if it was
a secret or something.
And, would you
also understand that,
and this is
still hypothetical,
that if I told you
I liked Arnold,
and you spill the beans
to anybody,
that I would strangle you
with my bare hands?
Well Well, I'm sure
I would never tell.
(SOFTLY) I like Arnold.
Pardon? I couldn't hear you.
(MUMBLING) I like Arnold.
I'm sorry, Helga,
you're mumbling.
I like Arnold!
(SIGHS) I'm head over heels,
hook, line, and sinker,
over the moon, loop-de-loop,
wow and toot!
I'm in love with the boy!
Happy now? Happy?
I've kind of had
a funny feeling
you liked him.
So, can I have the part?
Of course, Helga.
Oh, and remember,
if you tell anyone
I promise.
I just can't understand
why on earth
so many girls would drop out
of the part of Juliet.
Um, it's a mystery.
(SIGHING) Well, it's all
up to you now, Helga.
I'm just concerned
because you haven't had
a chance to rehearse at all.
Are you sure
you can learn all the lines?
No sweat. I got all night.
Therefore, pardon me
and not impute this yielding
to light love,
which the dark night
hath so discovered.
Lady, by yonder blessed moon
I vow
Oh, boy!
Come on, Dad,
I gotta learn my lines
by tomorrow night.
Okay, okay. All right.
Let's see.
Lady, by yonder blessed moon
I vow
O, swear not by the moon,
the inconstant moon,
that monthly changes
in her circled orb
All my days have come to this,
my secret heart
expecting one kiss.
And though, it comes
from a pretender,
not me. But, Juliet,
the sender,
may Arnold take
my kiss for tender.
MIRIAM: Helga?
Did you remember to take
your constipation medicine?
Yes, Miriam!
People. People, this is it.
It's almost curtain time.
Please, remember your cues.
If you get mixed up,
help each other out.
And Oh, Curly,
no improvising.
This is Shakespeare.
I know you're all going to do
a great job.
Get frosty.
It's going to be a fiasco.
It's going to be a smash,
you'll see.
Our play is about two families
in Verona, Italy.
Who feud and fight,
and hate each other
very bitterly.
From one family comes Romeo,
from the other, Juliet.
These two youngsters
fell in love the moment
that they met.
No one wishes them
to be together.
Although, that is their aim.
"I'll love Romeo, forever,"
vows Juliet,
"no matter what
his last name."
They have to meet in secret
on a balcony at night.
And, the more
they fall in love,
the more their friends
and family fight.
In the end, they find a way,
to join forever
in love and bliss.
Romeo and Juliet die together,
after just one final kiss.
I am for you!
Gentle, Mercutio,
put thy rapier up.
Come, sir, your passado.
Tybalt, Mercutio,
the Prince hath
expressly forbid
this bandying
in Verona streets.
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.
Her eyes in heaven,
would through
the airy region
So bright
So bright that
So bright
Birds would sing
and think it were not night.
Yes! Okay.
Ay me.
She speaks.
O, speak again, bright angel.
Please don't be bad.
Please don't be bad.
O, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father
and refuse thy name,
and I'll no longer
be a Capulet.
O, pale.
Who else? What?
Paris, too.
And, steeped in blood.
Ah, what an unkind hour
is guilty
of this lamentable chance?
The lady stirs.
O comfortable Friar,
where is my lord?
I do remember well
where I should be,
and there I am.
Where is my Romeo?
Come. Come away.
Thy husband is thy bosom
there lies dead.
And Paris, too.
Stay not to question
for the watch is coming.
Come. Go, good Juliet.
I dare no longer stay.
Go, get thee hence,
for I will not away.
What's here?
A cup,
closed in my true love's hand.
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
O, churl, drunk all,
and left no friendly drop
to help me after?
I will kiss thy lips.
Haply some poison
yet doth hang on them
to make me die
with a restorative.
Okay, girls, this is it.
The kiss.
Yeah, noise?
Then I'll be brief.
O, happy dagger,
this is thy sheath!
There rust, and let me die.
I guess we did
all right, Helga.
I guess so. Except for
that disgusting kiss.
I practically threw up.
Then why did you kiss me
so long?
Hey, I was acting,
football head!
I was being professional.
Do you think
I wanted to do that?
I practically gagged.
Whatever you say, Helga.
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