Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e07 Episode Script

Love and Cheese/Weighing Harold

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Gerald.
You know, the cheese festival
is this Saturday night.
Yeah, I know.
I was thinking
maybe I'd go.
Good for you.
And I was thinking maybe
I'd invite Lila to go with me.
Lila? Arnold, are you
forgetting something?
She doesn't
like you, like you.
She just likes you.
But, if I invite her
to the cheese festival
and we have
a really good time together,
maybe, she'll start
to like me, like me.
Yeah, sure. Nothing brings
people closer together
than cheese.
That's it, Gerald.
I'm going to ask her.
Tomorrow at lunch.
Whatever you say, Arnold.
There goes a sick boy.
So, Lila,
would you like to go
to the cheese festival
with me?
No. Oh, Lila,
so Saturday's
the cheese festival,
you going?
(LOVINGLY) Arnold.
(RUDELY) I mean,
watch where
you're going,
football head.
Sorry, Helga.
I'm just in a hurry
Because why?
Because there's something
really important that
I have to do,
and I'm just
a little nervous.
I gotta go.
(SCOFFS) Arnold, what a dope.
What a dimwit.
What a deluded little
do-goody dreamer.
How I despise him.
And yet, I love him.
The way he's always
thinking of others
before himself.
The way he feels
and cares so deeply.
The way those adorably
unruly yellow tufts of hair
stick out all willy-nilly
from that wise and wonderfully
weird football head of his.
(SIGHS) He was probably
rushing off to help
some poor unfortunate
soul in need.
Someone in pain.
Someone in distress.
Someone who
Lila. (GROWL)
So, anyway
this Saturday it's
the uh
The cheese festival?
Yeah, the cheese festival.
And it should be a lot of
Yeah, fun.
And I was wondering
maybe, if
If maybe you'd like to
If you wanted to
Arnold, are you trying
to ask me
to go to the cheese festival
with you on Saturday?
Yes, that's exactly
what I'm trying to ask you.
I suppose it might be fun.
I've never been to a real
cheese festival before.
So, you'll go?
I'd love to go.
I'd love to just ever so much.
You'll have
a really fun time.
I promise.
That little jerk.
How dare he ask Lila
to the cheese festival.
Just because she's
so pretty and smart
and funny, and he has
a big stupid
la-di-da crush on her.
He probably thinks
he's going to impress her
and then she'll start
to like him, like him,
instead of just liking him.
Well, fat chance,
because I'm going to be
at the cheese festival too.
And by the time
I get through,
Lila is going
to hate Arnold.
LILA: My gosh,
it's beautiful, Arnold.
I've never seen
so much cheese.
ARNOLD: I know.
This should be a lot of fun.
Not if I can help it.
Hey, want to go
on the bumper cars?
Gosh, Arnold,
sure. Is it fun?
It's a blast.
You're going to love it.
The object is to ram
the other cars as hard
as you can.
Oh, but that seems
ever so mean.
It's not mean,
it's just fun.
I couldn't possibly have
any fun doing that.
But Lila, ramming the other
cars is the whole point
of the ride.
Couldn't we just
drive along and
enjoy the view?
But, we'll be
sitting ducks.
See, Arnold,
isn't this nice?
Say good night, Lila.
Sorry, Lila,
that wasn't exactly fun.
Oh, it's just fine, Arnold.
But, we got slammed.
But the important thing is,
you didn't give into
violent temptation
like all the other children.
I'm so impressed.
HELGA: Oh, man.
Look Arnold,
what a cute teddy bear.
He's adorable,
isn't he?
Maybe I could
win it for you.
Do you think you could,
Three tries, please.
Sorry, Lila.
You did your best.
But, his best wasn't
good enough.
She probably thinks
he's a real chump.
But, I wanted to
win you something.
Here, kid.
What's this for?
I don't know.
I feel sorry for you.
Oh Arnold, it's a turtle.
Turtles are
my absolute favorite.
It's much better
than a big teddy bear.
I'm allergic
to stuffed animals anyway.
And it's even hecho in Mexico.
Mexico is my absolute
favorite country.
LILA: I just
can't stop eating cheese.
Gosh, I suppose
I've practically eaten cheese
from every single continent.
Hey, you want to ride
on the Tilt-a-Whirl?
To be perfectly honest,
I sometimes get
a little queasy
on the big rides.
Don't worry.
I've been
on this ride before.
It's not that bad.
You'll be fine.
Okay Arnold, if you say so.
So she gets queasy
on the big rides.
I know you'll love this, Lila.
It goes really slow and easy.
Hey, mister,
some of the kids
are complaining
the ride's too slow.
They say you should
crank the speed up
to really high.
I told them
it was too slow.
I'll crank it up.
I don't feel so good.
The ride never
used to go that fast.
I don't know
what happened.
It's so nice of you
not to be bothered
that I threw up on you.
It's okay, Lila.
And the second time,
you even held
my hair back.
It was the least
I could do.
It was sweet of you, Arnold,
just ever so sweet.
All right, no more
Mr. Nice Guy.
Oh look Arnold,
it's a boat ride.
it's the Tunnel of Love.
I've heard everyone
talking about it at school.
Everyone. Can we go?
If you really want to.
But, are you sure
you're feeling well enough?
Oh, yes Arnold. Thanks to you.
LILA: This'll be fun.
Oh, yeah.
This will be fun.
This'll be ever
so much fun.
I'll turn your
Tunnel of Love into
a tunnel of disaster.
I just love boat rides,
just ever so much.
I suppose it's because
it's the only way
I can ever
go near the water.
On account of, I never
did learn how to swim.
Don't worry, Lila.
You're perfectly
safe with me.
Gosh Arnold, do you promise?
I promise.
This is going to be sweet.
Oh, Arnold,
isn't it romantic?
Just look at all the stars.
Yes, Arnold.
Don't be scared.
Everything is so wonderful,
why would I be scared?
Because our boat
is sinking.
Who's having fun now?
Arnold, what will we do?
Don't worry.
Take my arm and hold on.
You'll be all right.
I won't let go.
I know.
This is getting pretty good.
LILA: Arnold!
Are you all right?
Gosh, I think so.
I think we can stand up.
Oh, Arnold.
Perfect. Why do none
of my evil plans
ever work out?
What am I doing wrong?
Maybe I'm just
trying too hard.
Thank you for saving me,
You were so brave.
Just ever so brave.
Are you trying
to tell me that
maybe you're starting
to like me, like me?
I guess what
I'm saying is that
before tonight,
I just liked you.
But after
what happened,
I really,
really like you.
So, you still don't
like me, like me.
To be just
perfectly honest
But, there's
hope, right?
Oh yes Arnold,
just ever so much.
Come on,
I'll walk you home.
STINKY: One more to go.
There's no way
he can do it. Nobody
can eat 50 Mr. Fudgies.
Give it to me.
Told ya I could do it.
Now pay me.
Who, me?
"Who, me?"
Yeah, you, Tubby.
I wish I had 100
customers like you.
I could retire
and move to Florida.
Oh boy, I'll tell ya.
Fifty Mr. Fudgies!
You can pack it away,
can't you? (LAUGHING)
See you tomorrow, Tubby.
My name's not "Tubby."
It's Harold.
Can you believe it?
What an idiot.
It only cost us
a quarter to see him
eat all those Mr. Fudgies.
And I bet it cost
Harold six weeks
of his allowance
just to buy them.
He sure is fat,
ain't he?
He must weigh
over 200 pounds.
SID: I bet by the time
he's in the sixth grade,
he'll weigh over
300 pounds.
He sure is fat, ain't he?
Look, Mommy,
there's a fat man.
Oh no, Johnny,
don't say that.
He's not a fat man.
He's a fat boy.
It's a very good
pot roast, Marilyn.
Thank you very much,
Would like
some more, Harold?
Huh? No thanks.
You've barely
touched your food.
Is something
bothering you, son?
No, nothing's bothering me.
I don't want to talk about it.
He doesn't want
to talk about it.
If he doesn't want
to talk about it, then
he doesn't have to.
He doesn't
have to talk about it?
I mean,
we're only his parents.
Why should
he tell us if something
is bothering him?
He doesn't
want to talk about it.
Am I asking him
to talk about it?
You're hinting.
I am not hinting.
I just want to know
what's bothering our son.
Am I fat?
Harold, please,
your father and I
are discussing.
Is that a crime now?
What do you mean, son?
Am I fat?
Of course not, Harold.
Is that what's
been bothering you?
That is ridiculous.
Why would you
ever think that
you were fat?
Some of the kids
were saying
You're just big-boned.
Actually, he could stand
to lose a couple of pounds.
I'm just saying
that he could
Don't You're just husky
and that's perfectly normal.
When I was your age,
I was just exactly like you.
And look at me,
I turned out to be a
perfectly normal-sized person.
MAN: (ON TV) Are you fat
and between the ages
of eight and 14?
Do kids call you
"tubby, lardo, wide-load
or "the fattest person
I've seen in my life"?
Wouldn't you like
to change all that
and be fit again?
Well, now you can,
when you sign up for
Kids Cruise to Lose.
A five-week
sea vacation
for kids who want
to lose weight. You'll enjoy
swimming, diving,
jogging, and an
all-you-can-eat salad bar.
All under
the supervision of our
caring health counselors.
Hi, I'm Counselor Skip.
And I care.
Help! Help!
So, if you're between
the ages of eight and 14
and you want
to get thin the fun way,
call us now,
at 1-800-I-M-HUGE.
That's 1-800-I-M-HUGE.
Bye, son.
Have a good time.
My little boy.
You listen to
the caring health counselors.
I will, Ma.
So long, Harold.
I hope you lose
a couple of pounds.
(LAUGHING) I'm going
to lose more than
a couple of pounds, Stinky.
When I come back,
I'm going to be skinny,
you'll see.
I know
you can do it, Harold.
STINKY: I wonder
how skinny he'll be.
He's probably so skinny,
we won't even
recognize him.
There he is.
Bye, Captain.
I had a great time.
Hey, you guys,
what's new?
Don't say anything.
Don't worry, Arnold.
We know
how to be discreet.
what happened?
You're as big
as a house.
What do you mean?
Have you looked
in the mirror lately?
That just shows
what you know.
They don't allow
mirrors on the ship.
Well, you might
want to take
a gander at one,
on account that
you're as big as a house.
What are they
talking about, Arnold?
Who's that guy?
That's you.
That's me?
I guess you
put on a couple
of pounds.
Here we are
with our Harold home.
Enjoying a nice dinner.
back to normal.
Everything's back to normal.
Family together again.
Nothing's changed.
I'm gigantic, aren't I?
Oh, Harold,
don't be ridiculous.
Where'd you get that?
You're perfectly normal.
You can take
the extra weight off
in no time.
What "extra weight"?
I just said,
he's perfectly normal.
Who's disagreeing?
Did I say he wasn't normal?
You're perfectly
normal, son.
Of course, he is.
What's wrong with him?
Nothing's wrong with him.
I'm a gigantic freak.
Harold, please, your father
and I are discussing.
A couple of pounds,
that's all I'm saying.
What couple
of pounds?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
He's a growing boy,
for crying in a bucket.
Granted, But,
there's growing,
and then there's growing.
I'm telling you, guys,
he's enormous.
I reckon he gained
pretty near 100 pounds.
At least.
Oh, please,
nobody could gain
100 pounds
in five weeks.
There he is.
Oh, my word.
Well, there he is.
My favorite customer.
Where have you been, Tubby?
I was on vacation
to lose weight.
Oh! I see that
went well. (LAUGHING)
I suppose you want the usual,
six Mr. Fudgies.
Not today.
I was wondering if
you had any Mr. Fudgies
that were low-fat?
Yeah sure, I got
low-fat Mr. Fudgies.
Half the calories
and half the taste.
I'll take 12 of them.
Twelve low-fat Mr. Fudgies
is the same as
six regular Mr. Fudgies.
Just leave me alone.
It's none of your business.
But, Harold
Leave me alone, Arnold.
Just leave me alone.
SID: Nobody's even
seen him in over a week.
STINKY: I heard he went
and holed up in his room
and ain't coming out.
SID: He's probably
too busy eating
to come out.
STINKY: And he's
probably too big to fit
out the door anyway.
JERRY: Nice of you
to visit our Harold.
ARNOLD: I thought
maybe I could cheer him up.
Harold, someone's
here to see you.
HAROLD: Go away!
It's the pizza man.
Forget it, Arnold.
I'm fat and I'm always
going to be fat.
There's nothing
you or anybody else
can do about it.
That's ridiculous.
There's ways
to lose weight.
Ha! Like that
cruise I went on?
I mean, other ways.
You could exercise,
start eating healthier.
I can't do that stuff.
Look at me.
I'm a big fat slob
and I haven't
moved in weeks.
I can barely lift my arms.
I could help you, Harold.
I don't want
anyone to see me
and laugh at me.
We can do it at night.
We can do it somewhere
where no one will see us.
Come on.
What have you
got to lose?
I told you Arnold,
I can't do it.
You can do it, Harold.
I know you can.
Forget it, Arnold.
I can't lose weight.
I tried and I tried,
and I can't, okay?
The Jolly Olly Man
was right.
He said, if he had
more customers like me,
then he could
retire to Florida.
And Sid and Stinky
were laughing about me
because I was so fat.
And then some
little kid told his mommy
I was a fat man.
And then she said,
"No, Johnny,
"no, he's not a fat man,
"he's a fat boy."
And so, I went on
the cruise to get skinny
but I was so worried
about people thinking
I was fat,
that I ate
more and more.
And then I just got
really, really fat.
And I'm just a big,
dumb, giant, fat freak.
This all happened
because people were
making fun of you
and telling you,
you were fat?
That's what I just said.
Weren't you listening?
But, did you think
you were fat?
Did you think you were fat?
Of course not.
I liked the way I was.
Well, there's your answer.
What are you
talking about?
All you have to do is
lose enough weight to get
back to the way you were.
You know,
back to the old Harold.
You mean,
back to my old fat self?
Hey, that wouldn't be so hard.
Maybe it would even be fun.
Okay Arnold, I think
I can do it now.
Then, let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
But, can we eat first?
I'm starving.
STINKY: What's going on?
Harold's finally
coming out in the daylight.
How fat is he now?
I for one think
it's just gruesome
to parade poor Harold
in front of the whole
just so we can be shocked
at how fat he's gotten.
I should've
brought my camera.
But Arnold, what if they still
think I'm fat?
The important thing
is what you think.
Right, right.
What I think, okay.
I'm ready.
I can't believe it.
you look fantastic.
It's like
you're wasting away.
It's a complete
it's the Jolly Olly Man.
Let's celebrate!
STINKY: Hey, Harold,
bet you a quarter you can't
eat 50 Mr. Fudgies.
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