Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e16 Episode Script


MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Okay, what's your
lucky number?
One, two, three.
That means, conclusively,
that according to my foolproof
origami marriage predictor,
when you grow up,
you are absolutely,
and without question
going to marry
Oh, that's wonderful!
I'm gonna marry Eugene!
Oh, well, gosh.
I'm sure we'll
be very happy. (CHUCKLES)
Well, of course,
you will.
The origami
marriage predictor
is never wrong.
According to my own
scientifically accurate method
this test will absolutely
calculate beyond any doubt,
the matrimonial futures
of each and every one
of our classmates.
By the end of the day,
I'll have matched up
every one in the whole class.
Now, who's next?
How about you, Lila?
Well, I'd like to,
just ever so much,
but I think the bell
is about to ring.
Don't be ridiculous.
We've got plenty of time.
How'd you know
the bell was going to ring?
Gosh, I'm certain
I don't know, Arnold.
I just had a feeling.
You're so intuitive, Lila.
Can I carry your books?
Oh, you don't need to, Arnold.
But, if you'd like,
you can walk to class with me.
Lila! Little miss perfect.
That little goody-two-shoes.
So what if she knew
the bell was gonna ring?
Big deal! Any idiot
could figure that out.
All you need
is a stinking watch!
How can he be
so impressed by that?
Arnold. What a nincompoop.
What a dopey little
dumb-headed dingbat.
How I despise him.
And yet
I love him.
His naive
yet admirable innocence.
His willingness to embrace
the best qualities in a poor,
lonely farm girl.
Even if, deep down,
she's probably just
simple and shallow,
and only looks brilliant
because she has a watch.
Sure, she looks pretty
and acts smart.
And she's funny
and kind and popular,
but that's still no reason
to go all gaga over her!
I mean, what's she got
that I haven't got?
Okay, so maybe I'm not pretty
and I'm not popular
and maybe I don't
act nice and sweet and kind
like Lila always does.
That still doesn't change
the fact that I'm the one.
The one and only one
who truly loves Arnold.
If only he could see
past my mean, blustery veneer
and into my soft,
mushy interior,
wherein, I adore him.
I mean,
what are you doing
sneaking up on me,
football head?
I forgot my books.
You going to class?
Yeah, I'm going to class,
when I'm good and ready.
Okay with you?
Sure. See ya.
Three, two, one, four.
Oh, Peapod Kid,
this is marvelous.
You're going
to marry Nadine.
Nadine? The one
who is unnaturally obsessed
with bugs, frogs
and other creepy, crawly
wildlife creatures?
Well, I must say,
this is terribly, terribly
Thank you, Ms. Lloyd.
Don't mention it.
Okay, who's next?
How about you, Arnold?
Oh, uh No thanks.
Oh, Arnold, please.
You can't tell me
you aren't
the least bit curious
about who you're going
to wind up marrying
when you grow up.
I'll just wait and see.
It could be Lila
What do you say, lover boy?
You wanna take the test?
Gerald, it's just a dumb,
made-up game.
It doesn't mean anything.
How do you know?
What if you're wrong
and it actually
has magical power
to predict the girl that
someday you're gonna marry?
The girl you're gonna
pledge your heart to
and then love, cherish,
honor and obey.
And live a happily
ever after with.
It could happen.
Come on, Arnold.
What are you afraid of?
Not the truth, is it?
The truth about
who you're going to marry?
(SIGHS) Okay.
I'll take the test,
but it doesn't
really mean anything.
All right, Arnold.
Pick your favorite number.
One, two,
three, four, five.
Now pick
your favorite color.
And now,
for the final question.
What day of the month
were you born on?
The seventh.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
And now, for the result.
(GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
RHONDA: Oh, my gosh.
What? What?
You're going to marry Helga.
Me? Oh!
That's impossible!
There's no way
I could ever marry Helga!
You must have made a mistake.
There is no mistake, Arnold.
My test
is absolutely foolproof.
You're going to marry
Helga G. Pataki, period.
I wanna do it again.
Pick your favorite number.
You said five before.
Three's my
other favorite number.
Suit yourself.
One, two, three, four.
Helga Pataki.
Oh, come on.
That can't be right.
One more time.
Arnold, please.
Just one more time.
All right,
but I'm telling you,
it's just going to say
that you're marrying Helga.
One, two, three, four.
One more time.
Helga Pataki.
One more time.
No, Arnold! You've done
the test 110 times
and it always comes out
the same!
You and Helga
are going to get married
when you grow up.
There's gotta
be some mistake!
Come on, one more time.
Just one more time.
You're marrying Helga Pataki.
That's final. Live with it!
But, Rhonda.
(CHUCKLES) Arnold and I
are going to be married.
It's true.
He did the test 110 times
and despite the fact
that the result revolted him,
it always came out the same.
Me and Arnold, married.
Oh, it's fate!
This is wonderful.
ARNOLD: This is horrible.
Maybe it's true.
Maybe you'll grow up,
fall in love
and live a happily ever after.
Okay, I'm just saying.
I mean, who knows?
I know.
I am definitely not marrying
Helga G. Pataki, definitely!
Okay. I believe you.
No matter what
some dumb origami
marriage predictor says.
GERALD: Relax! I mean,
you said it yourself,
it's just some dumb,
made-up old game.
Doesn't mean anything.
I am not going to marry Helga!
HELGA: I'm going
to marry Arnold.
It's like a dream.
It's like a nightmare.
The one boy
I've always hoped
I would marry!
The one girl I never
wanna marry. Ever! Ugh!
Oh, Arnold. Arnold.
I'm not going to marry Helga.
I'm not going to marry Helga.
I'm not going to marry Helga.
Gerald, what's going on?
What am I doing here?
What do you mean,
what are you doing here?
You're getting married,
Married? To who?
Who else?
The girl you fell
in love with and proposed to?
Wait a minute,
I can't get married!
I'm only nine!
What are you talking about?
You're 25!
Man, you got
the wedding jitters, bad!
Twenty-five? But, I
(SHUSHING) Look sharp.
Here comes your bride!
No such luck, football head!
No. This can't be happening.
Do you, Helga,
take Arnold to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
to love, honor and cherish
till death do you part?
You got it, padre!
I mean, I do.
And do you, Arnold,
take Helga to be
your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor, and cherish
till death do you part?
No, no, I don't.
This is all a big mistake!
Oh, there's no mistake.
You're marrying Helga,
just like it turned out
in my foolproof
origami marriage predictor.
Now, get on with it.
Say "I do."
But, I don't!
You do!
I don't!
You do!
You don't.
I do.
Ha! Got ya.
I now pronounce you,
man and wife.
No, wait a minute,
she tricked me!
You may now kiss the bride.
No. No!
This can't be happening!
Me, married to Helga?
Oh, I do.
I do.
I do. I do.
I do.
And, I do too.
Forever and ever and ever.
I now pronounce you,
man and wife.
Oh, Arnold,
isn't life wonderful?
It is now.
You don't still think
about her, do you?
"Her?" I'm sure
don't know who you mean.
You know, her.
Oh, you mean Lila?
I know how crazy
you were about her,
and I just
Don't be ridiculous, darling.
I love you, and only you.
Lila is nothing
but a faint and frankly
annoying memory to me.
She couldn't be further
from my thoughts.
And you, nearer.
Oh, Arnold.
LILA: Arnold!
What are you doing here?
Oh, Arnold,
I'm oh so sorry.
I know you're
on your honeymoon,
but I just can't deny
my feelings anymore.
I know that you've
loved me once
and I've realized
that I love you too,
just ever so much!
Lila, please.
You know I'm married to Helga,
the one true love of my life.
I liked you liked you once,
but that's over.
Now, I just like you,
I like you!
Oh, but Arnold
You heard him, sister.
LILA: Whoa.
I'll win you back, Arnold.
I'll win you back, somehow.
Wait. I just remembered,
I can't swim.
Inflation skyrockets,
unemployment soars,
baby born with
winning lottery ticket?
That's it! I've decided
I'm running for President.
I'll support you all the way!
I knew you would.
Oh, my darling,
I'll love you forever
All the days and nights,
until the end of time!
I love the way you laugh,
the way you cry.
You're the most beautiful girl
I've ever known!
Go on.
All right, I'll stop.
No! I mean, go on, go on.
Your eyes are like
two diamonds,
shining brightly amidst a sky
of pale blue heaven.
Oh! Go on, my love.
Go on, go on
No. No
What are you doing?
Put me down, Helga!
I'm not marrying you!
HELGA: What are you
complaining about?
I'm the one
doing all the work here.
BOB: So, you live here
and starting tomorrow,
Arnold's gonna work with me
down at the Beeper Emporium.
But, I don't really wanna
be a beeper salesman.
Whoa, Mister Fancy-Pants!
Who says you get to be
a salesman right off the bat?
Well, I just
thought that
You start on the loading dock,
just like I did,
unloading heavy boxes
from 7:00 to 5:00.
But, Mr. Pataki,
I never really planned
on a future
at the Beeper Emporium.
Yeah, well, I guess
you really lucked out
when you married our Olga.
It's Helga, Dad.
You know, if you wore
the name tag I got you,
you wouldn't keep
having this problem.
So, Helga,
what are you gonna do
with yourself all day?
I thought I'd lay
around the house,
watch TV, read comic books
and eat a lot of junk food.
Uh-huh. That sounds good.
That sounds good.
BOB: Yep, good plan.
How come I have to work
and she doesn't?
'Cause I don't feel like it,
and I've got more
important stuff to do.
Like what?
None of your beeswax,
football head.
BOB: Yeah.
Why should she have to work,
if you are? Come on, kid,
use your noggin!
You're never gonna get off
the loading dock
with that attitude.
More stuffing, Miriam.
You know, I could use
a little help here.
Oh, yeah, sure, but uh,
that would be against,
uh, Union rules, right, guys?
So, you're telling me,
that I have to unload
all these boxes by myself?
Well, what do you guys do?
Ah, well, we supervise you.
All three of you?
That's right.
Now, get back to work.
Another day, another dollar.
What are you limping for?
I slipped on a banana peel.
You shouldn't be
eating bananas,
when you're supposed
to be toting boxes!
But I
Never mind.
Hey, look! There's a stork
flying off our roof!
You know what that means.
What? What does it mean?
But, how could this happen?
Stork brought 'em.
But, we've only
been married for two days!
Well, I guess
that's all it takes,
football head!
By the way,
they've been crying
and whining about something
ever since they got here.
Plus, they smell
like a bus station men's room.
Anyway, good luck with them.
Where are you going?
To the movies.
You can't expect me
to hang around here.
That whining
is driving me bananas.
But, what am I supposed to
BABY: Feed me!
Burp me!
Change me,
my diapey's full!
Come on, move it,
football head!
Football head!
Football head!
Football head!
Football head!
Football head!
Football head!
Yes. Yes.
I, Helga G. Pataki,
do faithfully swear
to uphold the duties
of the Office of President
of the United States.
HELGA: Thank you, thank you!
And now, as your
new President,
I'd like to introduce
the First Man, Arnold Pataki.
As you know,
behind every great woman
is a great man.
Thank you, I
Get behind me.
Arnold, Arnold!
HELGA: Look, I know you're
the Secretary of the Interior,
but I'm the President!
And I say,
I want my face carved up there
on Mount Rushmore,
next to those other big shots.
You know, Lincoln, Washington,
and what's their names?
Madam President, you have
and urgent call from Chile,
the Milk Board is here
for your 10 o'clock
and the Swiss Ambassador
wants to know what you think
of his cheese plan.
Hold the Chile,
cancel the milk
and tell the Swiss Ambassador
that his cheese plan
is full of holes.
Oh, that reminds me,
get me a pastrami on rye,
extra mustard.
Holding, canceling,
telling and getting.
Oh, and the First Man
is here to see you.
Send him in.
Angel, how's my
favorite President?
I'm fine. Now
BOTH: Mmm!
Look, Jacques,
I'll take your cheese plan
and run it through the grater.
Madam President, I have
terrible, terrible news!
Is it my pastrami on rye?
No, it's worse.
The First Man
has been kidnapped!
Now, I've alerted the CIA,
the FBI
and the State Department.
Our Intelligence reports
indicate that Arnold
is being held captive
by an unknown terrorist
in a castle in northern Italy.
The Joint Chiefs of Staff
are already formulating a plan
to go in and rescue him!
No! If the First Man
is in trouble,
then it's gonna
take the First Woman
to save him.
Fire up Air Force One.
Firing. I want Air Force One
fueled and ready
for international departure,
I don't care, just do it,
do it, do it!
The First Man is somewhere
in this highly fortified
castle, heavily guarded.
HELGA: Check.
You'll have to parachute in
under cover of night,
then make your way
up the castle wall
without being detected.
Peanuts? Peanuts.
Over here, honey,
and give me a spare.
You never know
when I might need it.
(MUFFLED) Helga!
I knew you'd come.
It's you. The unknown
international terrorist
who kidnapped the First Man
and threatened world peace.
HELGA: Lila?
That's right! It's me, Lila.
You're the terrorist?
But, why?
Why did you kidnap me?
I told you I loved you,
but you shunned me.
I tried to forget about you,
just ever so hard,
but I couldn't.
And when I realized
that I was never going
to be able to win your love,
I suppose I
Well, I went over
to the dark side
and I kidnapped you
in a desperate
and ill-conceived attempt
to steal your heart,
and I'm sorry,
I'm just ever so sorry.
Well, Lila, your evil scheme
has backfired.
It has?
You bet it has.
It's only made the love
between Helga and me stronger.
Lock her up.
Arnold. No, Arnold.
Thank you for saving me.
Oh, it was no big deal.
Oh, Arnold.
Oh, pastrami!
Oh, no. No.
Nice of you to show up.
I was at my job,
on the loading dock.
Stupid football head!
That's it!
I can't take this anymore!
Hey, what do you think
you're doing?
I'm taking charge
of this nightmare.
If I have to be
married to you,
then things are gonna change.
First of all, I'm not working
at the beeper store anymore.
Second, we're moving out
of this madhouse.
And finally,
you're gonna start sharing
some of the responsibilities.
Yak, yak, yak!
Why are you doing this?
Look, I know you're
not this lazy and cold
and uncaring.
You may act like that,
but, deep down,
I know you're smart
and you have feelings.
And if we have to be married
to each other,
then I want you
to start showing it.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Yes, you do, Helga.
Why can't you just admit it?
You're not this mean.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not! You're not!
Okay. Okay, you're right.
I can't hide it anymore.
You've seen through
my tough, blustery exterior
and into my soft, mushy,
good-hearted center.
It's true, I'm not this bad.
I guess I was just afraid
to show my real feelings.
But, you knew it all along,
didn't you?
I may be rough
around the edges,
but, deep down,
I'm a good person, and
I don't hate you.
In fact, I sort of like you.
I mean, I actually,
I sort of, more than like you.
I I really like you.
I really, really like you.
And well, heck,
I like you so much,
that you might say
that I actually
That I actually
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.
GERALD: Oh, man!
Talk about a nightmare!
ARNOLD: Tell me about it.
She tricked me
into marrying her.
It was horrible.
I'll bet.
But the funny thing is,
in a weird way,
the nightmare kind of,
turned out to be okay.
GERALD: You're kidding, right?
No, seriously.
I mean, I know it's crazy,
but in the end of the dream,
she actually turned out
kind of, nice.
Arnold, you catch
that Chinese flu?
We're talking
about Helga, right?
Helga G. Pataki, right?
So, what are you saying?
That maybe it's true?
That Rhonda is right
and you're gonna marry Helga.
And she's actually
gonna be nice to you?
And you're gonna be happy?
ARNOLD: No. I mean,
it was just a dream.
GERALD: Well, that's a relief.
After all, I'm only nine.
I've got plenty of time
to think about
who I'm gonna marry.
But, I guess even if
I wound up marrying Helga,
it wouldn't be so bad.
Everyone, I have
an announcement.
Last night,
much to my dismay,
I discovered a flaw in my
origami marriage predictor.
And well, the fact is,
all the results
are null and void.
Sheena, you are not going
to marry Eugene.
Oh, no! Are you sure?
I'm sorry.
And Peapod Kid,
you are definitely
not going to marry Nadine.
Oh, this is terribly,
terribly distressing!
And Arnold,
I am so, so sorry,
because you were so right.
You are absolutely, positively
not going to marry Helga!
I apologize for
any pain and torment
I may have put you through.
ARNOLD: It's okay, Rhonda.
HELGA: What if it was
all just a crazy dream?
What if I never get
the guts to tell Arnold
how I really feel about him?
And what if
we never get married?
RHONDA: I'm so glad I realized
the mistake I made.
I should have
caught it before.
The people I matched up,
I mean, Arnold and Helga.
Can you imagine
anything more ridiculous?
I mean, they couldn't
be more opposite.
If they actually got married,
ugh, what would that be like?
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