Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e17 Episode Script

On the Lam/Family Man

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
And the active ingredient
is vinegar,
which, when mixed
with the others,
causes the sudden expansion
of gas.
KID: Wow.
ALL: Yeah!
That is so cool.
Yes, Harold.
Science, in fact,
is very cool.
Hey, can I shoot off
the rocket this time?
Well, I'd better
supervise the portioning
of the ingredients
you put in the tube.
You don't wanna
add too much vinegar.
It could cause
too big an explosion.
Oh, darn that bell.
Class, we'll continue
our experiment tomorrow.
Oh no, I wanna do it now!
Look at all them rockets.
This is too good to be true.
We'll take 'em all,
strap 'em together
with a whole bunch
of baking soda
and a whole ton
of vinegar,
and blast 'em off.
But what if
we get caught?
I'm the boss.
I say we're doing it!
STINKY: Hey, maybe
we should do this
someplace else.
We're right in the back
of an old police station.
Ah, they won't even see us.
Okay. I got the rockets.
I got the baking soda,
and a half gallon
of vinegar.
And I got
the Louisiana hot sauce.
Hot sauce?
That's stupid.
Let's do it!
Oh, this is gonna be great.
When we mix it all together,
it'll blow up so good.
Oh, we're gonna
blow, baby!
Mix it all in there.
Mix it.
Ah, more! More! More!
All the charges planted?
All right now,
everybody, stand back.
Okay, tell him
to add the vinegar.
Oh cool.
Hurry, hurry.
Stick the rockets
on the tube!
SID: She's gonna blow.
Run, let's hide.
We just blew up
a police station.
We We
I reckon we should
go to the authorities.
We can't go
to the authorities.
We just blew up
the authorities!
So what do we do?
SID: They'll be
looking for us.
Let's find
a place to hide.
Hey, fellas,
there's Arnold's house.
I done fell
on my hot sauce.
And now I got hot pants.
Okay, okay, this will work.
We got food down here,
and a toilet.
ARNOLD: I'm just going
downstairs to switch loads.
Shh. Quiet.
I hear something.
put my wool underwear
in the dryer.
Hi, Ar
Shh, we tell no one.
Not even Arnold.
Is somebody there?
STINKY: Nobody
but us here boxes.
Shut up, Stinky.
Argh, great.
Way to blow it, Stinky.
What are you guys
doing here?
Nothing. We didn't do
nothing wrong.
And we sure didn't
blow up the police station
with the rockets we stole
from Mr. Simmons' class.
BOTH: Stinky!
Okay, wait a minute.
You're saying that
you blew up the police station
with the rockets
from Mr. Simmons' class?
We saw the whole thing.
The rocket flew over the wall
and then the station
just fell down
in a huge cloud of smoke.
And now we're
wanted criminals.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we could go
to the police
and find out
what really happened.
Aren't you listening?
We blew up the police!
I reckon
we gotta skip town.
Yeah, take it on the lam.
We'll change our identities.
I know. We can go
on to one of those
witness protection programs
like they have on TV.
They give you a new face,
a new name,
the works.
They don't do that
for criminals, stupid.
They do it for the guys
who rat out the criminals.
I know. We can
go down south
and live with my grandma.
She's got
a real big trailer.
Double wide.
That's good.
Let's do it.
We head to the train yard,
and have a boxcar,
If we can't find your grandma,
we'll become hobos.
Yes! Hobos.
And we can use
these for disguises.
This is crazy.
Listen to yourselves.
You're nine years old.
And you're gonna
disguise yourselves
and run away
and become hobos?
That's right, Arnold.
You're not gonna stop us.
Sorry, Arnold.
We just can't
take the chance
that you'll turn us in.
Now, let's catch
a bus to the train yard.
Ooh, I can't wait
to be a hobo.
JERRY: Call us as soon
as you hear anything.
Sid and Stinky's parents
haven't seen 'em either.
Oh, Jerry,
something terrible's
happened. I know it.
Harold, my baby. My baby!
Just calm down, Marilyn.
I called the police.
We'll make flyers
and put 'em up
in the neighborhood.
The fruit of my womb.
I wiped the snot
from his nose,
I changed his diapers.
Too tight, Marilyn, too tight!
HAROLD: So if the train yard
is over here,
We have to catch
the 47 bus.
Psst. Harold.
Shh. I'm trying to think.
(GASPS) There are
the cops.
Oh no! Let's get out of here.
Remember, act natural.
Hey, you three.
HAROLD: Move, move, move.
Hey! Stop!
They're on to us.
We'll go to prison,
we'll have to work
in the chain gang.
Stop! Stop!
You have dropped
your peace medallion.
Ah, we're safe for now.
Hey, short man,
have you seen
my bicycle pump anywhere?
Oh, I get it.
Playing secret agent, eh?
(LAUGHING) Don't mind me.
No matter
what they do, Arnold,
don't give 'em
the secret password.
Oh, youth.
Always stretching
your imagination.
Okay, each of you,
take a stack,
staple 'em everywhere.
Man, I've never seen
so many cops in my life.
SID: Guys, look.
It's one of those
FBI's most wanted posters.
Oh, now the Feds
are after us.
We're as dead
as three turkeys
at Thanksgiving dinner.
We gotta get
to the train yard.
It's that way. Run!
Oh, hey there, Arnold,
don't worry, Grandpa told me
you were playing secret agent.
Just grabbing some yahoos.
I won't bother you.
Darn kids.
So carefree.
To be that young again
HAROLD: Where is
the train yard?
Ugh, geez,
it's the cops.
DISPATCHER: Be on the lookout
for three young boys. Over.
Have you fellas seen
three young boys
walking around
by themselves?
Young boys? Uh-uh.
We're not boys.
We're three old men
with weird hair
and beards.
We don't know nothing
about the police station.
He's so old,
he's talking crazy.
Hey, short man,
done playing secret agent?
I wasn't playing secret agent.
I was bound and gagged
for two hours.
Oh, that's different.
How did that happen?
Harold, Stinky and Sid
tied me up because
they thought
I would turn them in
for blowing up
the police station.
Blowing up the police station?
What are you talking about?
They didn't blow it up, I did.
It's been slated
for demolition for months.
Well, they think they did it.
They're so scared
they're going
to the train yard
to hop a boxcar
and become hobos.
We gotta stop 'em.
Oh my gosh,
you're absolutely right.
We'll go save 'em.
Just as soon
as the Battling Bishop
defeats the Lady Beastmaster.
Oh, I'll just look
at the highlights
on the news then.
We made it.
Let's ditch these costumes.
Yeah, they smell
like Arnold's basement.
All right. We gotta find
a good boxcar
'cause we'll be
living here for a while.
It has to be comfortable.
How about this one?
MAN: Hey! This is our car.
We've been here
since '47.
So, clear out.
Oh. Sorry.
Wow. Real live hobos.
One day
we'll be just like 'em.
SID: At least we've got
that going for us.
And tonight in local news,
police are asking citizens
to keep an eye out
for three missing boys.
Give me the police.
It's Arnold and his grandpa.
HAROLD: He must have
ratted us out.
I knew we couldn't
trust him.
MAN: Boys?
I think you'd better
come with me.
HAROLD: Aah! Run!
There they are.
It's over, Harold.
No, no! I'm not going down.
Boys, this is the police.
Come out
of the boxcar.
I can't take the pressure.
I'm giving up.
Me too. Maybe they'll give us
a lighter sentence.
Wait, we can't quit.
Remember our pact?
All for one, and one for all.
No retreat, no surrender.
When in doubt, chicken out.
The point is, we give up.
On account of
We're yella.
I give up!
I give up!
I never meant
to hurt anyone, okay?
(CRYING) He's right.
We were just trying
to have a little fun.
That's all.
It was an innocent,
childish prank gone awry.
We never meant
to blow up
the police station.
But we did!
We blew up
the police station! Aaah!
You didn't blow up
the police station.
I did, you nimrods.
I dynamited it
with my crew.
You mean, you did it?
And we didn't?
And we don't have to be
in a chain gang?
Oh, my boy, Harold!
I was so worried,
my little pudding.
Ah, my poor, deluded baby.
Too tight.
Too tight, Mom.
So, does this mean
we're not in trouble?
Uh, Arnold,
thanks for saving us.
I'm sorry
we tied you up
and stuck that old
dirty sock in your mouth.
It's okay, Harold.
And I'm sorry
for turning you in
to Mr. Simmons, too.
What? You rat!
You-you you turned us in
for breaking
into the science closet
and stealing
all the rockets and
I'm just kidding, Harold.
Actually, Harold,
I saw the whole thing
on television.
And frankly,
I can't believe
that you violated
the sanctity
of our science closet.
We'll talk
about an appropriate,
but reasonable punishment
in the morning.
ALL: Aw!
HAROLD: I'm tired, and hungry,
and I just wanna eat.
ERNIE: What's
the matter, Hyunh?
You just shot a dinner roll
halfway across the room.
I'm just a little nervous.
My new boss is coming
to the restaurant tomorrow.
He's going to pick
a new head chef.
That's exciting.
I'm sure he'll pick you.
Maybe, but I'm worried.
There is another chef,
Rockwell, who wanted
the job, too.
Is he a good chef?
He's terrible.
He doesn't even know
how to make a taco.
He put the cheese first,
then tomato,
then meat. He's crazy.
If he's a lousy chef,
I'm sure the new boss
will give you the top job.
Don't worry, Mr. Hyunh.
Yes, okay.
Oh, come on. Why can't
you just give me one taco?
It told you, Oskar.
Only the head chef can
give away free food.
But you're almost
a head chef.
Yes, but not yet.
Now go. My new boss,
Mr. Camacho, will be here
any minute.
Okay, but when they
make you the head chef,
then you can give me
all the free food
I want, right?
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Now go, please!
Mr. Camacho.
That's right. And your name?
Oh, my name
Oh, my name is
Never mind.
I see it on your name tag.
"Hyunh." Right, I've heard
about you.
Good chef.
Glad to meet you.
Oh. Thank you.
Now that I've
bought El Patio,
I want you to know
that I'm turning the place
into a family restaurant.
I'm all about family.
And that's what I want
El Patio to be about,
El Patio is going to be
a family place to be.
Now, in a few days,
I'm gonna be
picking a head chef,
and I want a family man.
You must be Rockwell,
the other chef.
I've heard
about you, too.
Is that the family?
Oh yes, sir.
Buddy, Sissy, Jane, Mary,
and, of course, the light
of my life, Edwina.
Very impressive.
Are you still worried
about your promotion?
Yes, I'm afraid my new boss
is going to pick
Rockwell for head chef
because he has a big,
perfect family.
That shouldn't matter.
Oh, it matters very much
to my boss.
Family, family, family.
That's all he care about.
I'm sure your boss will
just pick the best chef.
And that has to be you.
I don't know.
I don't have a big family.
Only my daughter Mai.
And Rockwell,
he has a big picture
of his big family right
on the wall.
Don't worry, Mr. Hyunh.
I'm sure everything
will work out.
Yeah, the kid's right.
Don't sweat it.
Mr. Hyunh, before you go,
I have a present for you.
HYUNH: A present?
It's a family photograph.
You put it up on the wall,
and your boss will see
you have a wife,
and a son and a father.
A big family.
And then he will give you
the job as head chef,
and you can give me
free tacos whenever I want.
Oh, Oskar, that
is a terrible idea.
It is dishonest.
You want the promotion,
don't you?
Yes, but I have to
go to work.
And every night
I help Sissy and Buddy
with their home work,
I play checkers
with Jane and Mary.
Very impressive.
Family, that's what
it's all about.
Oh, by the way,
I hope you know
I've got my eye on you
for the head chef job.
Haven't made up my mind yet,
but your'e a front-runner.
Wow, Hyunh,
I didn't realize
you had a family.
Well, you know
This must be
your wife and son.
Okay. I mean, yes.
They must be.
Who's this?
Your father?
Funny though.
He doesn't look
much like you.
Well, he was adopted.
I mean, I was adopted.
By my father.
Him, he adopted me.
Well, that's just fine.
You know, Hyunh, you seem
like a real family man.
I want you to know
I've got my eye on you
for the job of head chef.
I haven't made up
my mind yet,
but you're a front-runner.
Oh, thank you!
You're welcome.
Oh, one more thing.
I had dinner
at Rockwell's place
last night,
really got
to know the family.
And now
I want to meet yours.
I'll be over tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night?
6:00 sharp.
I'm looking forward
to meeting your
whole family.
My family?
HYUNH: Everyone.
I have a terrible,
terrible news.
Tomorrow night my boss
is coming to dinner.
He thinks you are
all my family.
He thinks I'm
married to Susie
and Arnold is my son,
and Grandpa is my father.
Boy Hyunh, you sure
messed this baby up.
I don't know what to do.
I think you should
just come clean and
tell your boss the truth.
OSKAR: He can't
tell him the truth.
His boss will know
he's a liar, and fire him.
And then Mr. Hyunh
will become a poor,
homeless beggar.
Oh! What a disaster!
ERNIE: Who says
he has to find out?
Look, all we have to do
is pretend for one night
that we're Hyunh's family.
I mean, we practically
are his family anyway,
except for the fact
that we're not related
and we don't like each other.
It's true.
We are kind of
like his family.
I agree, especially
the "kinda" part.
I'm telling you,
we can pull this off.
I suppose I could
pretend to be Mrs. Hyunh
for just one night.
And I'll be
his brother Edwin,
Arnold will be his son,
Grandpa will be his father
And I will be Mary,
Queen of Scots.
Pookie, you stay
out of the way.
I still think we should
tell the truth.
But I guess we can do this
for Mr. Hyunh.
Sure we can.
All right, let's do it.
It's crazy,
but it just might work.
Now, come on, people.
We got a lot
of work to do.
I didn't know we were
gonna have to dress up.
Grandpa, put on your jacket.
He's going to
be here any minute.
All right. Stop that.
By the way,
I'm gonna call you "Sonny."
Hello, please come in.
This must be
your family.
HYUNH: This is my wife, Susie.
And my son, Arnold.
My brother, Edwin.
And Grandpa.
(STAMMERING) I mean my father.
Glad to meet you.
Oh, and I am Armando.
Mr. Hyunh's rich half-brother
from a tiny, hidden palace
in Lithuania.
What have you got to drink?
You know, it's none
of my business,
but I can't help noticing
that your son
doesn't look much like you
or your lovely wife.
Oh, well
That's because
Why, because he
takes after me.
Right, Sonny?
That's right!
He takes after Grandpa.
I-I-I mean, Papa.
But I thought you said
your papa was adopted.
I mean, I thought
you said he adopted you.
That's right.
But the more time Arnold
spends with Grandpa,
I mean Papa,
the more he begins
to look like him.
It is a very strange
but scientifically proven.
So, how did you,
and your husband meet,
Mrs. Hyunh?
Oh well, actually,
Arnold introduced us.
But I thought he was your son.
How could your son
introduce you to your husband?
But you see,
it was another Arnold.
Arnold Schwarzenegger,
the movie star.
He introduced us,
and so we named
our son Arnold after him.
Pass the peas, Sonny.
Yes, Grandpa.
Grandpa? Why do you
keep calling him Grandpa?
I thought he was your father.
Yes, he is my father.
And my grandfather.
It's a long story.
Very complicated.
I'll have a refill.
Hello, everyone!
Who's she?
Why, I'm his sister.
His sister?
And I'm also Mary,
Queen of Scots.
All right! That's it.
Something funny is
going on here.
And I demand to know
what it is.
The truth is
I have been lying.
This is not my wife.
And he's not my father.
They are not my brothers.
And Arnold is
not really my son.
So you're not related
to any of these people?
And you don't
have a family at all.
No, except for my daughter.
I only told you
these people were
my family
because I wanted the job
as a head chef.
And I thought you
wouldn't give it to me
unless I was a big family man.
Well, if there's one thing
I can't stand, it's a liar.
I can't tell you
how disappointed
I am, Mr. Hyunh.
You're a good chef,
much better than
that Rockwell buffoon,
and he can't make a taco.
He puts the cheese in first,
then the tomatoes,
then the meat.
It's crazy!
I wanted you
to be my head chef.
But now that I know
that you're not only
not a family man,
but a liar,
I'm afraid I have
no choice but to fire you.
Yes, I understand.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute.
That's not fair.
Maybe Mr. Hyunh did lie
about a few things.
But he only did it because
you were more worried
about having a head chef
with a big family
than you were about
having a head chef
who's the best cook.
And the truth is,
even if we aren't
actually related,
we're still a family.
We all live
in this house
Mr. Hyunh looks out
for me like an uncle.
He looks out
for all of us.
And we look out for him.
We spend holidays together,
and birthdays,
and whenever one of us
has a problem,
we help each other out.
That's why we all did this
to help Mr. Hyunh.
We may not be
a normal family,
but we're still a family.
Arnold's right.
We're a family.
Mr. Hyunh's family.
Is this true, Hyunh?
Yes, they are all
like my family.
But I should never
have let them lie
and pretend for me.
I should have just
told you the truth
in the first place.
I'm sorry.
I'll get your coat.
Wait a minute.
Just hold on here.
Maybe I've been looking
at this family business
the wrong way.
Maybe being a family man
doesn't mean
you have to have
a traditional family,
and you certainly don't.
But I can see you all care
about each other
like any other family.
And that's all
that's important to me.
I still don't approve
of the kind of charade
you pulled tonight,
but in spite of that,
after listening
to young Arnold here,
I can see that
you're just the kind
of family man
my restaurant needs.
Mr. Hyunh, I want you
to be my new head chef.
Ooh, thank you!
Here you go, Arnold.
A big combo platter
on the house.
What do I get?
You get a taco
made by Rockwell.
(GRUMBLES) Just doesn't
pay to be a brown-noser,
I tell you.
But he doesn't even know
how to make a taco.
He puts the cheese in first,
then the tomatoes,
then the meat.
It's crazy!
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