High Fidelity (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
Uptown
1 [ARETHA FRANKLIN'S DAY DREAMING PLAYING.]
Daydreaming and I'm thinking of you Daydreaming and I'm thinking of you Look at my mind CHERISE: Rob.
Rob.
Rob! - Come on, what the fuck is your problem? - Mm.
Yeah.
CHERISE: Stay focused, girl.
Your turn, dude.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Um All right.
Top five villains.
Let's go with Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs.
Um Drexl Spivey, True Romance.
Heath Ledger's the Joker Oh, my God, can you be any more obvious? Come on, man, what you gonna say next? Hitler? Zombies? What about the fuck the Devil? The Godfather's Michael Corleone, and Wile E.
Coyote.
Solid finish.
No, no.
Corleone's no good.
- What? - Veto from the peanut gallery.
- Explain yourself.
- He is the protagonist of the movie! Just because he's a mean dude don't mean he's a fuckin' villain.
Just means he's a mean dude.
What's the difference, Cherise? The difference is there is a line in the sand! - Excuse me, where is - In a minute.
I'm gonna help y'all figure this out real nice and simple, okay? So, if you're watching a film, right, and you're rooting for a guy, the guy that you're rooting for is, by definition, not the villain! - Excuse me, I'm just looking - In a minute.
Now, if we can't all agree on that, my God, tell me what is society supposed to do? Huh? Am I crazy? Hello! I kinda see her point.
- I know you do.
- ROB: Wait a minute, we root for villains all the time.
We just call them anti-heroes.
Like my dude Tony Soprano.
I haven't seen The Sopranos.
- What? - I know.
Okay, first off, no one roots for the villain, okay.
That's quite literally the point.
Second off, there ain't no such thing as a anti-hero.
That's the bullshit that they feed us so that we don't notice that Clint Eastwood is a fuckin' asshole all the time.
Okay, we're just saying that there's no such thing as a great villain with whom you don't, on some level, identify.
In a minute, Imma identify my fist with your ass! You're gonna put your fist in my ass? So, it's been a week since I, uh, followed the White Rabbit, you know? Took the, took the Red Pill? Turns out Mac is the One and I'm Agent Smith.
And nothing is real.
I just rewatched The Matrix.
Totally holds up.
Oh, my God.
Now, Simon is gonna define evil for us.
Dude, people have been debating this shit Morally corrupt, wicked, wrong, and vicious! Anyway, um, how am I doing? I'm fine.
I'm good, you know.
I quit smoking, again.
Um, the whole Mac-Lily-engagement thing is, is fine, you know.
Mac's no longer an option, so he's no longer a problem.
And I'm fine you know.
There is no spoon.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Championship.
If only they had signed a special fuckin' dictionary Three: producing or a threatening Oh, yeah, we don't really Really? Oh, my God, you can't look everything up.
There's like five more of these that I could tell you right now.
[ARGUMENT CONTINUES.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Um, what's your, what's your address? Don't stop now.
Look it up.
- Thanks, bye.
- CHERISE: Look it up.
Look it up.
- What was that? - ROB: Some woman on the Upper West Side is selling a private record collection.
- Anything good? - Yeah, actually.
She said she had some original Beatles, some early Sex Pistols, - uh, Robert Johnson.
- SIMON: That's great.
- ROB: I know.
- Solid.
I should check this out, right? I mean, that sounds - Yeah.
- Don't sleep on it, man.
Last summer, I had the chance to buy a mint condition White Album with the serial number still on it.
Instead I drove up to Burlington with Sharon.
Damn! You can't come back from that.
I'll never forgive myself.
- You have a car, Lewis? - LEWIS: Hell, no.
We took a Zipcar up there.
Why? No, I was just thinking if I go up to the Upper West Side, I'm gonna have to schlep all these boxes of records back to Brooklyn, I just Yo, what fuckin' dickhead owns a car in New York City? [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Hello.
- ROB: Hey, it's me.
Uh it's Rob.
Brooks.
From, um, the We went on a thing.
And, um, uh, at the bar.
A few ago, and, um, we, you know, we were drinking, and then we went back to my place Yeah, we had sex.
Hi, Rob.
Jesus! How long were you gonna let me do that? Sorry.
ROB: Umm, what are you, what are you doing? Oh, you know.
Just picking up the dry cleaning.
- Wow, that's, um, super adult of you.
- CLYDE: Yeah, yeah, super adult.
I remember that feeling as a kid just wanting so badly to be 18 so I could finally have pressed shirts, you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
So, uh, hey, do you feel like going to the Upper West Side? - What's on the Upper West Side? - ROB: You know, um, Central Park, The Cloisters, some woman selling a private record collection.
You calling me for a ride, Rob? ROB: What? No, no.
Not at all.
I called you because I thought it would be, you know, fun for me and you to hang out again.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, fine, yeah, I, I need a ride.
I do.
I need a ride.
I'm the worst, I'm sorry.
I'm the worst person ever.
All right, cool.
I'll pick you up in a half hour.
- Really? - CLYDE: Sure.
Okay.
Okay.
[YVONNE FAIR'S STRAIGHTEN UP PLAYING.]
Hey, hey Everybody Asking, asking Asking me Okay, what is the protocol here? What is the appropriate greeting? Hug feels too something.
Can't shake the man's hand.
He's been inside of me.
Fist bump? Oh, this is gonna be weird.
This is gonna be weird.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
Hey! - Hey.
- How are ya? [GRATEFUL DEAD'S BLACK PETER PLAYING ON CAR STEREO.]
See here how everything Lead up to this day - Hey.
- Hmm.
- You know, last week - Hmm.
I, uh, I went to the top of the Empire State Building.
It's awesome.
I've never, I've never been.
What? For real? I know, right? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You gotta go.
Mm-hmm.
You've been to the top of the Rock, though, right? What rock? 30 Rock.
Rockefeller Center.
Oh, right.
No.
It's epic.
For sure.
[MOUTHING.]
Help me.
- CLYDE: Where do you - ROB: We're good.
I was just checking.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
Hi.
We're here to see, uh, Noreen? - Hmm? - In regards to some records? Oh.
- This way.
- Thank you.
[WHISTLES.]
Hi.
Noreen! Noreen! NOREEN: Coming! - Hi.
- CLYDE: Hi.
I'm Rob.
I'm here for the records.
- Hey, I'm Clyde.
- Hi.
Just give me one moment, okay? I just, uh, spent the morning dabbling in papier-mâché.
- CLYDE: Oh.
- Yeah.
It's all over me.
It's Yoko's fault, really.
She told me I should try it.
Well, I'll just tidy up real quick and Mm-hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
It's a pony or a dog? Do you like it? - Cool.
- I made it in high school.
- Oh, you made this.
- Huh.
I'm not precious.
Do you like it? Her name is Andy.
She was made of all the stuffed animals I couldn't have - because I was allergic.
- ROB: Oh, shit.
My mother vacuumed the windows.
- CLYDE: Oh! - She had to.
Ooh.
You can grow out of an allergy every seven years.
- Is that true? - Did not know that.
I always say that my life's work is to create art out of the ashes of my personal tragedies.
Oh.
NOREEN: My mother at last composed of her truest and most favorite materials.
Heavy.
Oh, wow! My most beloved birthday gift.
It's also where I lost my virginity to Matthew Barney.
Young love.
Indeed.
Is that hair? Bangs.
Hmm.
NOREEN: Perhaps my greatest tragedy.
Those? - Those.
- Right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Speakers are pretty expensive, huh? Yeah.
They cost a lot of money.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
Robert Johnson, original Sun Ra.
The Beatles, Yesterday And Today.
With the bloody baby cover.
These are unicorn records.
I've never even seen some of these.
Holy shit.
[GASPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
An original pressing of The Man Who Sold the World, with the " drag " cover and the misspelled Tony Visconti credit.
Holy shit.
It's in perfect condition.
I have wanted one of these since the eighth grade.
Uh [LAUGHS.]
This is the best collection I've ever seen.
I wouldn't doubt it.
I hope you know I can only afford to buy a few of these.
I mean, this is NOREEN: Like I told you on the phone, I'm only interested in selling the collection as a whole.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, maybe you would consider just selling the, the Bowie? NOREEN: It's all or nothing.
And I need them out of here by tonight.
And the price is twenty dollars.
Wow, that's [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's a deal.
I don't, I don't understand.
They're my husband's.
Right.
And, uh, you guys aren't getting along too well, right now, is that it? My 14-year-old niece found him on "The Instagram" snogging some tartlet in front of the athletic club.
- Oh, shit.
- Dude.
So I did the reasonable thing and kicked the cheating bastard out on his heels and filed for divorce that afternoon.
I'm so sorry.
Twenty years of marriage! He's across town at The Carlyle right now, with his ridiculous midlife crisis ponytail and those dumb bangles, drinking Beefeater Vespers at happy hour and basking in the sound of his own know-it-all voice to that dimwitted 23-year-old Pilates instructor, Sugarbaby.
Frankly, I can't tell if I'm heartbroken or merely disappointed in his utter lack of originality.
In any case, he's coming by tomorrow to pick up the rest of his belongings: that hideous chair, that horrible Damien Hirst painting he overpaid for at Christie's, and of course his most beloved and cherished possession: his record collection.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, no, I, I get why you're pissed, for sure.
Um But do you think you would consider just some kind of compensation for the These records, they just, they have real value.
They're This is a really special collection.
It's twenty dollars.
That's my price.
If this is for revenge, why don't you just light them on fire? NOREEN: Because, young man, I'm an artist.
And mere destruction wouldn't imbue the same poetic vengeance.
When that perfidious shitheel comes to collect his precious records, what he'll find in their place is a framed, perfectly crisp $20 bill.
I already bought the frame.
And that sniveling manchild will be haunted till his dying day with the knowledge that, somewhere out there, some stranger whom he's never met, is deriving great pleasure from the only thing in the world he ever truly loved.
This will be my greatest work of art yet.
- Jesus.
- Wow.
Okay, how about, um, I give you, like three grand? If you're not interested in my price, I'm still expecting a call from a gentleman from Tough Trade.
Oh, Lionel? That guy's the worst.
Regardless of who takes them, I need them gone by tonight.
- Okay, how about a thousand? - Twenty dollars.
Five hundred, that's as low as I can go.
Twenty dollars.
NOREEN/ROB: Twenty dollars.
- It sounds like it's twenty dollars.
- That's the price.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Twenty dollars.
Um we're gonna have to go and come back.
Um, we gotta get a car - Rob, we don't need a car.
- We're gonna go get a car and come back for the stuff.
- With the car.
- Right.
The car.
Rob.
- Rob.
- Yeah.
Just take the records.
The guy is obviously a scumbag, okay? So just take 'em.
Otherwise, this guy from Tough Trade It's Top Grade.
- It's Top Grade.
- Look, either way.
Fuck! I have got to pee.
- I forgot to ask to use the bathroom.
- Look, we don't know for sure he's a scumbag.
He could be a, a pediatrician or a firefighter or the guy who invented the Slinky.
He could be a great man! We have no idea who he is! You wanna go down to The Carlyle, ask this guy if he invented the Slinky? No.
[SMOOTH JAZZ PIANO PLAYING.]
[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER.]
Okay.
Okay.
Great, so we just need to find a rich old guy with an age-inappropriate date.
[QUIET CHATTER.]
- Funny.
- Yeah.
- Holy shit.
- Hmm.
ROB: Mid-life crisis ponytail, ten o'clock, baby.
Holy shit.
[ROB CLEARS THROAT.]
Eddy.
Can we get, uh another champagne and a Beefeater Vesper? EDDY: You got it.
- It's him.
- All right.
So now what? - Drink? - Yes.
Oh, hi.
Can I get a whiskey neat, please? Certainly.
What kind of whiskey would you like? Cheap.
You want something? - Uh, yeah, I'll have a whiskey.
- Cheap.
Wow.
The wallpaper here is really cool.
- Wonder where they got that? - I don't know, but can we focus? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Game time.
- Yes, game time.
- Cheap.
And cheap.
- CLYDE: Yep.
Jesus, I said cheap.
I mean, you gotta admit the wallpaper here is pretty Dude, you are killing me with the wallpaper right now.
Seriously.
Okay.
Uh, excuse me, man.
Hey, excuse me.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, man, I just, I was wondering if you could settle something? My friend and I were just admiring the wallpaper.
And we were trying to figure out where they got it.
Oh, my God.
You're serious [CHUCKLES.]
Well, they got it from Ludwig Bemelmans.
He was an artist/illustrator.
He was the author of the Madeline book series.
Mmm.
He hand-painted all this over 80 years ago.
You, you're in Bemelmans Bar, dude.
- Oh.
That's so cool, man.
- It's really cool.
- It's very cool.
- Very cool.
Yeah.
It's awesome you know that.
Hey, I'm Clyde.
Hey.
Nice to know you, Clyde.
I'm Tim.
Okay, you're a genius, and I'm an asshole.
- Uh-huh? - Yep.
At some point, the walls and the paintings were so dark from decades of cigarette smoke, they had to clean them off.
I mean, this is 24-carat gold leaf up here, right? You know what I'm saying? So, they had to clean it.
You're never gonna guess what they used to clean it.
I bet that - Wonder Bread.
- Wow! - Wonder Bread.
- Yep.
The only installation, public installation, of this guy's work, and they used Wonder Bread.
That's amazing.
How do you know, uh, so much about this place? Oh, well, yeah, music is my life, bro.
And this place, this is holy ground here.
- Everybody comes here.
- Yep.
You know, Bobby Short, George Feyer, Madonna.
Bowie was living up here when he wrote Never Let Me Down.
- CLYDE: Really? - Oh, man, I love that album Prince was here when he freaked out and recalled - The Black Album - [ROB CLEARS THROAT.]
the first time in 1987.
Oh, yeah, that's the album he thought was evil Yeah, like some kind of candy flip or something like that.
He thought the album was evil.
- Literally.
Isn't that funny? - CLYDE: Yeah.
I just said that.
Hey, Eddy, one more round here, - will you, please? - Sure.
- [MOUTHING.]
Cheap.
- TIM: Yeah, I've, uh, - I've met, uh, so many big stars here.
- [MOUTHING.]
Less cheap.
Paul McCartney, Eartha Kitt.
- CLYDE: Mm-hmm.
- One time, sitting over here, right? Look over, in comes Mick Jagger.
Right? So, I, I'm like, I go up to him? I have to, right? All I wanted to do is shake the guy's hand, right? - Yeah.
- So he turns to me, I start crying.
Right? And what comes out of my mouth is, "Thank you for saving my life.
" - Wow.
- Yeah.
He looks at me and goes, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"You're welcome, man.
" Isn't that amazing? - That's a flawless Jagger.
- Thanks.
Paul McCartney too, huh? - Met him.
- TIM: And Linda.
They were sitting over here.
They were drinking rum punch.
- That's crazy.
- When was that? That was, uh, eighty '84.
'Cause that's the, that's the year that Wings Over America came out.
Please tell me that you know that album.
Um, I don't know that album, but Rob here has a record - He doesn't care.
- TIM: Look, dude, you've got to check that album out.
It is the best live recording of McCartney that's ever been done.
You've got to check it out.
Wings Over America was 1976, no? Oh.
You a big Paul McCartney fan? Big enough to know when that album came out, which was 1976.
No, sweet pea.
You're wrong.
You're talking about the triple live album, right? Now you got it.
There you go.
- From the Wings Over The World tour? - Mm-hmm.
Mostly from their show in L.
A.
that summer? Yep.
Yeah, that was 1976.
Yeah, I love that album.
I love it too, man, but, um, you know, I always wanna take away points for all those vocal overdubs, you know.
I mean, at what point is a live album not a live album, right? That being said, it has that sick version of Maybe I'm Amazed which completely destroys the original, so I give it a pass for that.
Oh.
- Thanks, Eddy.
- EDDY: Mm-hmm.
Got yourself quite a little firecracker there, don'tcha, pal? Yeah.
Listen, a word of advice, it's all cute now, but it gets old.
Fast.
Trust me.
Jesus Christ! Jesus, what an asshole! That was like, that was like being a woman in a Michael Bay movie.
What about her? Like, blink twice if you need help, right? - Did not introduce her! - At all! - Nothing.
- What a dick! What a dick.
Wow.
- Oh! - What? [SIGHS.]
I forgot to pee.
Come on.
You can pee at Noreen's.
That's what I'm talkin' about! That's what I'm talkin' about! - Hey.
- CLYDE: Hey.
How are you? Oh, wow.
- Okay.
- What's happening to Andy? He's going home.
- How are you, Rob? - What's up? This is the lovely girl from the record shop I was telling you about.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry it took so long.
I told them you'd be back.
Hey, that's a cool one, Noreen.
- That's - NOREEN: Uh - Are those credit cards? - Although there was a moment, there was a brief moment, when I thought that you wouldn't.
Well, it didn't really matter very much to me at first, but then after an hour of thinking about it and conceptualizing and reconceptualizing Oh, yeah, just slide it on through! - You got it.
- We don't have to be precious about it.
Conceptualizing and reconceptualizing, it occurred to me that this piece is incomplete.
"Noreen," I said, "This is a gift.
This kinship you feel with the little record shop girl" [GLASS SHATTERS.]
MAN: Oh, damn! [LOUDLY.]
I don't want you to feel badly about the mistake you just made.
We're all just doing our best.
We're all good people.
Carry on.
And then it occurred to me, because of you, that this piece isn't about revenge.
- It's about karma, right? - ROB: Right.
My ex is given a framed $20 bill, a dagger through his rotten heart.
I am given the bittersweet satisfaction of delivering the dagger.
And the lovely girl from the record shop is given the prize.
Everyone is given what they deserve.
Right.
Yes.
Everyone, everyone gets what they deserve.
I mean, it's possible that I'm, you know, reversing of the wheels of karmic balance, but, you know, this is art, and, I mean, a girl can try, no? For sure.
So, a perfectly crisp twenty dollar bill? Right.
Right.
- Yeah.
For sure.
- Okay.
Let's do this.
I don't, I don't know.
I don't, mmm What? No.
She's joking.
It's a Right? No.
Look, I don't want to waste your time, and I, um I'm really I don't wanna fuck up your art, which I think is really very cool.
Um I, I don't know, I don't really think I'm qualified to decide who deserves to get what they get or whatever.
I just Well, I, I respect your integrity, my dear, but the lines in this case are, are quite clear.
My ex is a bad guy.
Yeah, I know, I know, I get that.
I get that he's, um, a bad guy and a total misogynist, um, from what you've said, is what I, I can But I don't know, he, he loves music, you know.
And I love music, and this is a little embarrassing to say out loud, but, um music has saved my life, you know.
So many times.
And I don't know, I just, I think it should be for everyone, you know.
It should be for good people and for shitty people and just for everybody, you know, like, um, wi-fi.
Or healthcare.
Not here but, um, most places.
Hopefully here one day, right? Um Uhh! So, yeah.
That's your decision? If Simon and Cherise ever found out about this, they'd have me beheaded.
I kinda want to do it myself.
Yeah, that's my decision.
Okay.
Hey, Noreen, can I use the John? I don't know, can you? Okay.
What the fuck, Rob? Why did I side with the bad guy? Look, I don't, I'm not trying to over-step here.
It seemed like you were thinking, if they can take away this guy's records, just 'cause he sucks, but made some bad decisions, then you're wondering, like, when are they coming for mine? [MIMICKING NOREEN.]
I don't want you to feel bad about the mistakes you've made, Rob! We are all doing our best.
Oh! Oh, my God.
All right.
Not to get all something, but I wanted to say that I had a really good time today.
- Yeah.
- With you.
I wasn't sure what it was gonna be like hanging out again.
I thought it was gonna be weird and awkward because of the whole sex thing, um I just wanted to say that it was really fun.
That's all I wanted to say.
Jesus.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it? Yeah.
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Yep? Uh, just before before you jet, um, this might be a weird move.
- Yeah? - Um [LAUGHS.]
That's a weird move, for sure.
No, this is a, this is an actual weird move.
- [MIMICKING TRUMPETING.]
- [GASPS.]
Check that out.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Yeah.
- What? What? - I, I took it.
- Wh - Yeah, I pilfered that.
Holy shit! Holy shit! - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Dude.
Dude! I just, I've never seen anybody look at anything the way you looked at that record, I felt like it was important to have it.
- Oh, my God.
- I was like boop.
- Clyde.
Clyde? - Yes.
I've wanted one of these since the eighth grade.
Awesome.
Wow.
Wow, um, thank you.
Yeah.
You stole this? Um I can't believe you stole something.
I mean, you get your shirts pressed, man.
I mean, I, like, stole it, kinda.
'Cause I left her the twenty.
Of course you did.
Just so everybody's happy.
Everybody gets their piece.
Bad-ass-ish.
Yeah, like bad-ass-adjacent.
Um Well, uh What? - No, no, go ahead.
- Oh.
No, nothing.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
All right, I'll see you around.
Okay.
Hey, Rob.
- Yeah? - Um, maybe I'll pop by the shop sometime.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
All right.
What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? [DAVID BOWIE'S THE MAN WHO SOLD THE MOON PLAYING.]
We passed upon the stair We spoke of was and when Although I wasn't there He said I was his friend Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes I thought you died alone A long long time ago Oh, no, not me I never lost control You're face to face With the man who sold the world
Daydreaming and I'm thinking of you Daydreaming and I'm thinking of you Look at my mind CHERISE: Rob.
Rob.
Rob! - Come on, what the fuck is your problem? - Mm.
Yeah.
CHERISE: Stay focused, girl.
Your turn, dude.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Um All right.
Top five villains.
Let's go with Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs.
Um Drexl Spivey, True Romance.
Heath Ledger's the Joker Oh, my God, can you be any more obvious? Come on, man, what you gonna say next? Hitler? Zombies? What about the fuck the Devil? The Godfather's Michael Corleone, and Wile E.
Coyote.
Solid finish.
No, no.
Corleone's no good.
- What? - Veto from the peanut gallery.
- Explain yourself.
- He is the protagonist of the movie! Just because he's a mean dude don't mean he's a fuckin' villain.
Just means he's a mean dude.
What's the difference, Cherise? The difference is there is a line in the sand! - Excuse me, where is - In a minute.
I'm gonna help y'all figure this out real nice and simple, okay? So, if you're watching a film, right, and you're rooting for a guy, the guy that you're rooting for is, by definition, not the villain! - Excuse me, I'm just looking - In a minute.
Now, if we can't all agree on that, my God, tell me what is society supposed to do? Huh? Am I crazy? Hello! I kinda see her point.
- I know you do.
- ROB: Wait a minute, we root for villains all the time.
We just call them anti-heroes.
Like my dude Tony Soprano.
I haven't seen The Sopranos.
- What? - I know.
Okay, first off, no one roots for the villain, okay.
That's quite literally the point.
Second off, there ain't no such thing as a anti-hero.
That's the bullshit that they feed us so that we don't notice that Clint Eastwood is a fuckin' asshole all the time.
Okay, we're just saying that there's no such thing as a great villain with whom you don't, on some level, identify.
In a minute, Imma identify my fist with your ass! You're gonna put your fist in my ass? So, it's been a week since I, uh, followed the White Rabbit, you know? Took the, took the Red Pill? Turns out Mac is the One and I'm Agent Smith.
And nothing is real.
I just rewatched The Matrix.
Totally holds up.
Oh, my God.
Now, Simon is gonna define evil for us.
Dude, people have been debating this shit Morally corrupt, wicked, wrong, and vicious! Anyway, um, how am I doing? I'm fine.
I'm good, you know.
I quit smoking, again.
Um, the whole Mac-Lily-engagement thing is, is fine, you know.
Mac's no longer an option, so he's no longer a problem.
And I'm fine you know.
There is no spoon.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Championship.
If only they had signed a special fuckin' dictionary Three: producing or a threatening Oh, yeah, we don't really Really? Oh, my God, you can't look everything up.
There's like five more of these that I could tell you right now.
[ARGUMENT CONTINUES.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Um, what's your, what's your address? Don't stop now.
Look it up.
- Thanks, bye.
- CHERISE: Look it up.
Look it up.
- What was that? - ROB: Some woman on the Upper West Side is selling a private record collection.
- Anything good? - Yeah, actually.
She said she had some original Beatles, some early Sex Pistols, - uh, Robert Johnson.
- SIMON: That's great.
- ROB: I know.
- Solid.
I should check this out, right? I mean, that sounds - Yeah.
- Don't sleep on it, man.
Last summer, I had the chance to buy a mint condition White Album with the serial number still on it.
Instead I drove up to Burlington with Sharon.
Damn! You can't come back from that.
I'll never forgive myself.
- You have a car, Lewis? - LEWIS: Hell, no.
We took a Zipcar up there.
Why? No, I was just thinking if I go up to the Upper West Side, I'm gonna have to schlep all these boxes of records back to Brooklyn, I just Yo, what fuckin' dickhead owns a car in New York City? [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Hello.
- ROB: Hey, it's me.
Uh it's Rob.
Brooks.
From, um, the We went on a thing.
And, um, uh, at the bar.
A few ago, and, um, we, you know, we were drinking, and then we went back to my place Yeah, we had sex.
Hi, Rob.
Jesus! How long were you gonna let me do that? Sorry.
ROB: Umm, what are you, what are you doing? Oh, you know.
Just picking up the dry cleaning.
- Wow, that's, um, super adult of you.
- CLYDE: Yeah, yeah, super adult.
I remember that feeling as a kid just wanting so badly to be 18 so I could finally have pressed shirts, you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
So, uh, hey, do you feel like going to the Upper West Side? - What's on the Upper West Side? - ROB: You know, um, Central Park, The Cloisters, some woman selling a private record collection.
You calling me for a ride, Rob? ROB: What? No, no.
Not at all.
I called you because I thought it would be, you know, fun for me and you to hang out again.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, fine, yeah, I, I need a ride.
I do.
I need a ride.
I'm the worst, I'm sorry.
I'm the worst person ever.
All right, cool.
I'll pick you up in a half hour.
- Really? - CLYDE: Sure.
Okay.
Okay.
[YVONNE FAIR'S STRAIGHTEN UP PLAYING.]
Hey, hey Everybody Asking, asking Asking me Okay, what is the protocol here? What is the appropriate greeting? Hug feels too something.
Can't shake the man's hand.
He's been inside of me.
Fist bump? Oh, this is gonna be weird.
This is gonna be weird.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
Hey! - Hey.
- How are ya? [GRATEFUL DEAD'S BLACK PETER PLAYING ON CAR STEREO.]
See here how everything Lead up to this day - Hey.
- Hmm.
- You know, last week - Hmm.
I, uh, I went to the top of the Empire State Building.
It's awesome.
I've never, I've never been.
What? For real? I know, right? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You gotta go.
Mm-hmm.
You've been to the top of the Rock, though, right? What rock? 30 Rock.
Rockefeller Center.
Oh, right.
No.
It's epic.
For sure.
[MOUTHING.]
Help me.
- CLYDE: Where do you - ROB: We're good.
I was just checking.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
Hi.
We're here to see, uh, Noreen? - Hmm? - In regards to some records? Oh.
- This way.
- Thank you.
[WHISTLES.]
Hi.
Noreen! Noreen! NOREEN: Coming! - Hi.
- CLYDE: Hi.
I'm Rob.
I'm here for the records.
- Hey, I'm Clyde.
- Hi.
Just give me one moment, okay? I just, uh, spent the morning dabbling in papier-mâché.
- CLYDE: Oh.
- Yeah.
It's all over me.
It's Yoko's fault, really.
She told me I should try it.
Well, I'll just tidy up real quick and Mm-hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
It's a pony or a dog? Do you like it? - Cool.
- I made it in high school.
- Oh, you made this.
- Huh.
I'm not precious.
Do you like it? Her name is Andy.
She was made of all the stuffed animals I couldn't have - because I was allergic.
- ROB: Oh, shit.
My mother vacuumed the windows.
- CLYDE: Oh! - She had to.
Ooh.
You can grow out of an allergy every seven years.
- Is that true? - Did not know that.
I always say that my life's work is to create art out of the ashes of my personal tragedies.
Oh.
NOREEN: My mother at last composed of her truest and most favorite materials.
Heavy.
Oh, wow! My most beloved birthday gift.
It's also where I lost my virginity to Matthew Barney.
Young love.
Indeed.
Is that hair? Bangs.
Hmm.
NOREEN: Perhaps my greatest tragedy.
Those? - Those.
- Right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Speakers are pretty expensive, huh? Yeah.
They cost a lot of money.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
Robert Johnson, original Sun Ra.
The Beatles, Yesterday And Today.
With the bloody baby cover.
These are unicorn records.
I've never even seen some of these.
Holy shit.
[GASPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
An original pressing of The Man Who Sold the World, with the " drag " cover and the misspelled Tony Visconti credit.
Holy shit.
It's in perfect condition.
I have wanted one of these since the eighth grade.
Uh [LAUGHS.]
This is the best collection I've ever seen.
I wouldn't doubt it.
I hope you know I can only afford to buy a few of these.
I mean, this is NOREEN: Like I told you on the phone, I'm only interested in selling the collection as a whole.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, maybe you would consider just selling the, the Bowie? NOREEN: It's all or nothing.
And I need them out of here by tonight.
And the price is twenty dollars.
Wow, that's [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's a deal.
I don't, I don't understand.
They're my husband's.
Right.
And, uh, you guys aren't getting along too well, right now, is that it? My 14-year-old niece found him on "The Instagram" snogging some tartlet in front of the athletic club.
- Oh, shit.
- Dude.
So I did the reasonable thing and kicked the cheating bastard out on his heels and filed for divorce that afternoon.
I'm so sorry.
Twenty years of marriage! He's across town at The Carlyle right now, with his ridiculous midlife crisis ponytail and those dumb bangles, drinking Beefeater Vespers at happy hour and basking in the sound of his own know-it-all voice to that dimwitted 23-year-old Pilates instructor, Sugarbaby.
Frankly, I can't tell if I'm heartbroken or merely disappointed in his utter lack of originality.
In any case, he's coming by tomorrow to pick up the rest of his belongings: that hideous chair, that horrible Damien Hirst painting he overpaid for at Christie's, and of course his most beloved and cherished possession: his record collection.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, no, I, I get why you're pissed, for sure.
Um But do you think you would consider just some kind of compensation for the These records, they just, they have real value.
They're This is a really special collection.
It's twenty dollars.
That's my price.
If this is for revenge, why don't you just light them on fire? NOREEN: Because, young man, I'm an artist.
And mere destruction wouldn't imbue the same poetic vengeance.
When that perfidious shitheel comes to collect his precious records, what he'll find in their place is a framed, perfectly crisp $20 bill.
I already bought the frame.
And that sniveling manchild will be haunted till his dying day with the knowledge that, somewhere out there, some stranger whom he's never met, is deriving great pleasure from the only thing in the world he ever truly loved.
This will be my greatest work of art yet.
- Jesus.
- Wow.
Okay, how about, um, I give you, like three grand? If you're not interested in my price, I'm still expecting a call from a gentleman from Tough Trade.
Oh, Lionel? That guy's the worst.
Regardless of who takes them, I need them gone by tonight.
- Okay, how about a thousand? - Twenty dollars.
Five hundred, that's as low as I can go.
Twenty dollars.
NOREEN/ROB: Twenty dollars.
- It sounds like it's twenty dollars.
- That's the price.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Twenty dollars.
Um we're gonna have to go and come back.
Um, we gotta get a car - Rob, we don't need a car.
- We're gonna go get a car and come back for the stuff.
- With the car.
- Right.
The car.
Rob.
- Rob.
- Yeah.
Just take the records.
The guy is obviously a scumbag, okay? So just take 'em.
Otherwise, this guy from Tough Trade It's Top Grade.
- It's Top Grade.
- Look, either way.
Fuck! I have got to pee.
- I forgot to ask to use the bathroom.
- Look, we don't know for sure he's a scumbag.
He could be a, a pediatrician or a firefighter or the guy who invented the Slinky.
He could be a great man! We have no idea who he is! You wanna go down to The Carlyle, ask this guy if he invented the Slinky? No.
[SMOOTH JAZZ PIANO PLAYING.]
[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER.]
Okay.
Okay.
Great, so we just need to find a rich old guy with an age-inappropriate date.
[QUIET CHATTER.]
- Funny.
- Yeah.
- Holy shit.
- Hmm.
ROB: Mid-life crisis ponytail, ten o'clock, baby.
Holy shit.
[ROB CLEARS THROAT.]
Eddy.
Can we get, uh another champagne and a Beefeater Vesper? EDDY: You got it.
- It's him.
- All right.
So now what? - Drink? - Yes.
Oh, hi.
Can I get a whiskey neat, please? Certainly.
What kind of whiskey would you like? Cheap.
You want something? - Uh, yeah, I'll have a whiskey.
- Cheap.
Wow.
The wallpaper here is really cool.
- Wonder where they got that? - I don't know, but can we focus? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Game time.
- Yes, game time.
- Cheap.
And cheap.
- CLYDE: Yep.
Jesus, I said cheap.
I mean, you gotta admit the wallpaper here is pretty Dude, you are killing me with the wallpaper right now.
Seriously.
Okay.
Uh, excuse me, man.
Hey, excuse me.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, man, I just, I was wondering if you could settle something? My friend and I were just admiring the wallpaper.
And we were trying to figure out where they got it.
Oh, my God.
You're serious [CHUCKLES.]
Well, they got it from Ludwig Bemelmans.
He was an artist/illustrator.
He was the author of the Madeline book series.
Mmm.
He hand-painted all this over 80 years ago.
You, you're in Bemelmans Bar, dude.
- Oh.
That's so cool, man.
- It's really cool.
- It's very cool.
- Very cool.
Yeah.
It's awesome you know that.
Hey, I'm Clyde.
Hey.
Nice to know you, Clyde.
I'm Tim.
Okay, you're a genius, and I'm an asshole.
- Uh-huh? - Yep.
At some point, the walls and the paintings were so dark from decades of cigarette smoke, they had to clean them off.
I mean, this is 24-carat gold leaf up here, right? You know what I'm saying? So, they had to clean it.
You're never gonna guess what they used to clean it.
I bet that - Wonder Bread.
- Wow! - Wonder Bread.
- Yep.
The only installation, public installation, of this guy's work, and they used Wonder Bread.
That's amazing.
How do you know, uh, so much about this place? Oh, well, yeah, music is my life, bro.
And this place, this is holy ground here.
- Everybody comes here.
- Yep.
You know, Bobby Short, George Feyer, Madonna.
Bowie was living up here when he wrote Never Let Me Down.
- CLYDE: Really? - Oh, man, I love that album Prince was here when he freaked out and recalled - The Black Album - [ROB CLEARS THROAT.]
the first time in 1987.
Oh, yeah, that's the album he thought was evil Yeah, like some kind of candy flip or something like that.
He thought the album was evil.
- Literally.
Isn't that funny? - CLYDE: Yeah.
I just said that.
Hey, Eddy, one more round here, - will you, please? - Sure.
- [MOUTHING.]
Cheap.
- TIM: Yeah, I've, uh, - I've met, uh, so many big stars here.
- [MOUTHING.]
Less cheap.
Paul McCartney, Eartha Kitt.
- CLYDE: Mm-hmm.
- One time, sitting over here, right? Look over, in comes Mick Jagger.
Right? So, I, I'm like, I go up to him? I have to, right? All I wanted to do is shake the guy's hand, right? - Yeah.
- So he turns to me, I start crying.
Right? And what comes out of my mouth is, "Thank you for saving my life.
" - Wow.
- Yeah.
He looks at me and goes, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"You're welcome, man.
" Isn't that amazing? - That's a flawless Jagger.
- Thanks.
Paul McCartney too, huh? - Met him.
- TIM: And Linda.
They were sitting over here.
They were drinking rum punch.
- That's crazy.
- When was that? That was, uh, eighty '84.
'Cause that's the, that's the year that Wings Over America came out.
Please tell me that you know that album.
Um, I don't know that album, but Rob here has a record - He doesn't care.
- TIM: Look, dude, you've got to check that album out.
It is the best live recording of McCartney that's ever been done.
You've got to check it out.
Wings Over America was 1976, no? Oh.
You a big Paul McCartney fan? Big enough to know when that album came out, which was 1976.
No, sweet pea.
You're wrong.
You're talking about the triple live album, right? Now you got it.
There you go.
- From the Wings Over The World tour? - Mm-hmm.
Mostly from their show in L.
A.
that summer? Yep.
Yeah, that was 1976.
Yeah, I love that album.
I love it too, man, but, um, you know, I always wanna take away points for all those vocal overdubs, you know.
I mean, at what point is a live album not a live album, right? That being said, it has that sick version of Maybe I'm Amazed which completely destroys the original, so I give it a pass for that.
Oh.
- Thanks, Eddy.
- EDDY: Mm-hmm.
Got yourself quite a little firecracker there, don'tcha, pal? Yeah.
Listen, a word of advice, it's all cute now, but it gets old.
Fast.
Trust me.
Jesus Christ! Jesus, what an asshole! That was like, that was like being a woman in a Michael Bay movie.
What about her? Like, blink twice if you need help, right? - Did not introduce her! - At all! - Nothing.
- What a dick! What a dick.
Wow.
- Oh! - What? [SIGHS.]
I forgot to pee.
Come on.
You can pee at Noreen's.
That's what I'm talkin' about! That's what I'm talkin' about! - Hey.
- CLYDE: Hey.
How are you? Oh, wow.
- Okay.
- What's happening to Andy? He's going home.
- How are you, Rob? - What's up? This is the lovely girl from the record shop I was telling you about.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry it took so long.
I told them you'd be back.
Hey, that's a cool one, Noreen.
- That's - NOREEN: Uh - Are those credit cards? - Although there was a moment, there was a brief moment, when I thought that you wouldn't.
Well, it didn't really matter very much to me at first, but then after an hour of thinking about it and conceptualizing and reconceptualizing Oh, yeah, just slide it on through! - You got it.
- We don't have to be precious about it.
Conceptualizing and reconceptualizing, it occurred to me that this piece is incomplete.
"Noreen," I said, "This is a gift.
This kinship you feel with the little record shop girl" [GLASS SHATTERS.]
MAN: Oh, damn! [LOUDLY.]
I don't want you to feel badly about the mistake you just made.
We're all just doing our best.
We're all good people.
Carry on.
And then it occurred to me, because of you, that this piece isn't about revenge.
- It's about karma, right? - ROB: Right.
My ex is given a framed $20 bill, a dagger through his rotten heart.
I am given the bittersweet satisfaction of delivering the dagger.
And the lovely girl from the record shop is given the prize.
Everyone is given what they deserve.
Right.
Yes.
Everyone, everyone gets what they deserve.
I mean, it's possible that I'm, you know, reversing of the wheels of karmic balance, but, you know, this is art, and, I mean, a girl can try, no? For sure.
So, a perfectly crisp twenty dollar bill? Right.
Right.
- Yeah.
For sure.
- Okay.
Let's do this.
I don't, I don't know.
I don't, mmm What? No.
She's joking.
It's a Right? No.
Look, I don't want to waste your time, and I, um I'm really I don't wanna fuck up your art, which I think is really very cool.
Um I, I don't know, I don't really think I'm qualified to decide who deserves to get what they get or whatever.
I just Well, I, I respect your integrity, my dear, but the lines in this case are, are quite clear.
My ex is a bad guy.
Yeah, I know, I know, I get that.
I get that he's, um, a bad guy and a total misogynist, um, from what you've said, is what I, I can But I don't know, he, he loves music, you know.
And I love music, and this is a little embarrassing to say out loud, but, um music has saved my life, you know.
So many times.
And I don't know, I just, I think it should be for everyone, you know.
It should be for good people and for shitty people and just for everybody, you know, like, um, wi-fi.
Or healthcare.
Not here but, um, most places.
Hopefully here one day, right? Um Uhh! So, yeah.
That's your decision? If Simon and Cherise ever found out about this, they'd have me beheaded.
I kinda want to do it myself.
Yeah, that's my decision.
Okay.
Hey, Noreen, can I use the John? I don't know, can you? Okay.
What the fuck, Rob? Why did I side with the bad guy? Look, I don't, I'm not trying to over-step here.
It seemed like you were thinking, if they can take away this guy's records, just 'cause he sucks, but made some bad decisions, then you're wondering, like, when are they coming for mine? [MIMICKING NOREEN.]
I don't want you to feel bad about the mistakes you've made, Rob! We are all doing our best.
Oh! Oh, my God.
All right.
Not to get all something, but I wanted to say that I had a really good time today.
- Yeah.
- With you.
I wasn't sure what it was gonna be like hanging out again.
I thought it was gonna be weird and awkward because of the whole sex thing, um I just wanted to say that it was really fun.
That's all I wanted to say.
Jesus.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it? Yeah.
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Yep? Uh, just before before you jet, um, this might be a weird move.
- Yeah? - Um [LAUGHS.]
That's a weird move, for sure.
No, this is a, this is an actual weird move.
- [MIMICKING TRUMPETING.]
- [GASPS.]
Check that out.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Yeah.
- What? What? - I, I took it.
- Wh - Yeah, I pilfered that.
Holy shit! Holy shit! - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Dude.
Dude! I just, I've never seen anybody look at anything the way you looked at that record, I felt like it was important to have it.
- Oh, my God.
- I was like boop.
- Clyde.
Clyde? - Yes.
I've wanted one of these since the eighth grade.
Awesome.
Wow.
Wow, um, thank you.
Yeah.
You stole this? Um I can't believe you stole something.
I mean, you get your shirts pressed, man.
I mean, I, like, stole it, kinda.
'Cause I left her the twenty.
Of course you did.
Just so everybody's happy.
Everybody gets their piece.
Bad-ass-ish.
Yeah, like bad-ass-adjacent.
Um Well, uh What? - No, no, go ahead.
- Oh.
No, nothing.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
All right, I'll see you around.
Okay.
Hey, Rob.
- Yeah? - Um, maybe I'll pop by the shop sometime.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
All right.
What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? [DAVID BOWIE'S THE MAN WHO SOLD THE MOON PLAYING.]
We passed upon the stair We spoke of was and when Although I wasn't there He said I was his friend Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes I thought you died alone A long long time ago Oh, no, not me I never lost control You're face to face With the man who sold the world