High Maintenance (2016) s04e01 Episode Script


1 CHICK: It's not all kitchen scraps.
It is one-third kitchen scraps.
It is two-thirds browns, which are leaves, hay, straw, sawdust.
But, you know, we're low on browns 'cause folks don't bring us browns.
So who's our browns guy? CHICK: Well, we get donations from the woodshop, but, you know, we're always in need of browns.
All right.
Let's see what we can do about it.
CHICK: We used to have a compost guru.
- Ernie.
- Oh yeah? He set this whole operation up.
He educated all the gardeners, on greens, on browns, ratios, you know, all of that.
And then, there was one Sunday and he was he was comin' in and he was carrying these coffee grounds from the café across the street, and he stopped right there.
Right there.
And we just all said, "What's the matter, Ernie? What's the matter?" And, uh, he didn't say anything.
He just looked at us with his bug eyes and then he just keeled over and died.
Oh my God, that's so sad.
But you know what? He was very excited about being compost when he died, and he got his wish.
- So that's nice.
- THE GUY: Yeah, that's nice.
I didn't know you could do that with your remains.
Oh yeah.
But he's not in this compost, is he? Oh.
He's all over the garden! You're joking, right? Yeah.
I'm joking.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm jokin'! - Funny.
- (PHONE CHIMES) And so it begins.
All right, Chick.
I gotta go see a man about, um - CHICK: A horse? - Sellin' him some weed.
- Oh.
You're welcome.
- Uh Thank you, Chick.
Is this your dog? Oh my gosh.
Oh, you're a very sweet dog, aren't you? Oh, you're one of those.
(LAUGHS) I know your type.
All right, well.
Listen, I'm gonna go, okay? See you around.
Whoa, hey! Dude.
Hey! What are you doin', dude? That's not safe.
Why are you following me? Dude, why are you following me? - (BARKS) - (LAUGHS): What are you doin'? (SIGHS) All right.
(DOG BARKS) You're the most presuming dog that a human could know.
Come on, get out of the street.
You're fuckin' crazy.
NANCY UPDIKE: She's ready to have everything recorded IRA GLASS: How is she planning to? NANCY: including the composting, whatever sound that makes.
Like, I don't know if we'd wanna watch her die, but the conflict with the family, that's a story, like Have we done something like recycling, but in like a broad sense? - IRA: Recycling as a metaphor.
- As a show.
EMANUELE BERRY: Well, like, what about actual recycling stuff? Like, do you guys know about the recycling in this building? - Wait.
They don't recycle the recycling? - NANCY: There is none.
I thought that was true.
- There just isn't recycling.
- It's sorted downstairs.
- It's not! - (LAUGHING) SEAN COLE: We think we're recycling and we're not recycling.
We're living a lie.
We are all NANCY: You're the only one who still thought that there was recycling.
- ELNA BAKER: No, I didn't know that.
- I've known this for a while.
- I thought we all knew that? - ELNA: I didn't know that.
I thought we all knew that, but I do like that some people don't know.
It feels like telling them that Father Christmas is, like, not real.
IRA: Which is the one thing you can't say on the radio.
You can't say that Santa isn't real on the radio, we run across this every Christmas.
SEAN: Warnings before - a Santa-is-not-real set.
- Well, screw that then! ELNA: Wait.
What if we did a "It's Not Real" show? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, so there's this test that's a BDSM test, like a kink test, uh, and I took it, and I found out I'm a rope bunny.
- (LAUGHING) - Oh, God.
You said that like it's a thing! (LAUGHING) ZOE: What is a rope bunny? It's somebody who likes to be tied up during sex.
ZOE: I feel like that's like a lot of women.
- LILY: It's like a personal - BIM ADEWUNMI: You see? (LAUGHING) But then anyway, it turns out none of it's real.
Like the BDSM community Wait, wait, wait.
But I just wanna understand.
You're saying you took a test.
It told you you're a rope bunny.
Now you find out the test is not real.
So are you not a rope bunny? Um I don't wanna I don't know why I'm any saying any of this.
(LAUGHING) IRA: I'm going back to recycling.
Okay, can I just pitch recycling.
What about like, like, recycling a relationship? Like somebody who comes back to a relationship.
I don't know what that's like at all.
- IRA: Do you have that story? - SEAN: No, I'm not getting Well, my, my, uh My parents lied to me about getting divorced.
- IRA: Wait.
Seriously? - YARA: Yeah, yeah.
Um When I was 17, my mom and dad, they got legally divorced, but they didn't want to tell me until after I graduated high school, so they pretended to stay married.
But wait.
They still lived together? YARA: Yeah, they still lived together, and they pretended to stay together.
Anyways, at my graduation, when I got my diploma, and I was walking back to my chair, I look up to my parents, and they're sitting in the bleachers and, uh, they're not looking at me, they're fighting.
You know, I don't even know if they saw me graduate.
And, uh, all of a sudden I see my dad, he storms off away from my mom, and he goes up to the top of the bleachers.
He says that he must've leaned against a railing that was loose because, uh, he ended up falling on to the cement, 30 feet.
- IRA: What?! - YARA: Yeah, and he lived! He lived.
He lived.
Um, and my mom, who I felt like had completely given up on my dad, uh, she made the choice to nurse him back to recovery.
- And, uh and they remarried.
- WOMAN: Oh wow, that's crazy.
- IRA: Wait.
That made them fall in love again? - Yeah.
- No! - Wow.
- It had a happy ending.
- WOMAN: Yeah.
- I like a happy ending.
- Aw.
IRA: Would they talk about it like on tape? - Do you think they would tell the story? - Yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
- IRA: Sold.
Movin' on.
YARA: Yeah, Dad, this is really exciting.
It's a really big deal for me.
It's my first story on the radio.
YARA'S DAD (OVER PHONE): Oh, what is it? Well, I wanna tell the story about when you fell off the bleachers.
YARA'S DAD: I don't think that's a good idea.
YARA: Dad doesn't wanna talk.
He asks me to talk to Mom before talking to him, which leads me to believe that Mom has some information that I don't.
- Maybe there's some - WOMAN: We have to go! - (COUPLE ARGUING) - Just, I Stop! Stop.
I really like the happy ending, period.
So is this a story about how vulnerability opens us up to love, question mark.
Or is it about accepting, accepting people warts and all? - (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - (YARA MUTTERING) Mami, it's a really beautiful story.
YARA'S MOM (OVER PHONE): That's a very painful time of my life, mija, and I don't wanna go there.
Listen, I'm happy for you - but I like my privacy and respect that, okay? - (DOOR BUZZES) YARA: Please, can you just think about it? YARA'S MOM (OVER PHONE): The answer is no.
I'm sorry.
All right.
I gotta go, I gotta go.
He's here.
Give Owen a kiss for me.
- Have fun.
- Okay.
- Hi, Smoothie! - Hey, Smoothie.
- How was your flight? - Good.
- Ah.
Thank you for these.
- Yeah.
- They're like five bucks a pop out here.
- Oh, my God.
- Your place is really coming together.
- YARA: Thanks, Smoothie.
Oh, my God, I gotta tell you the coolest thing happened at work today.
Oh, hey.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, Smoothie.
(SIGHS) Oh, I think my mom regrets remarrying my dad.
What makes you say that? Something she said on the phone.
You need anything, Smoothie? Nah, I'm good, Smoothie.
- How are we gonna celebrate tonight, dinner? - Sure.
I don't want to get dressed up though.
I'm fine with whatever you want.
Uh you want to just get stoned and order in? Sounds very romantic.
I'll text him.
Honestly, I didn't even like the, the prequel.
But I'm saying, if you're gonna, like, do that franchise, you should probably fuckin' step it up.
You're kind of heavy.
You know that? Whew! How are you back there? Comfy? This is Bushwick.
(BOTH HOWLING) - YARA: Are you finished yet? - OWEN: So many questions.
"I enjoy feeling like a prey hunted by a predator"? What the fuck is that? - YARA: (LAUGHS) It's a thing.
Don't knock it.
- I don't get it.
Uh, I think I'm done.
- Uh, I am - YARA: I can't wait for this.
99 percent vanilla.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ninety-five percent daddy-mommy? - YARA: Okay, Daddy.
- (BOTH LAUGH) And 95 percent rope bunny.
Elna got rope bunny too.
- What about you? - (DOOR BUZZES) A hundred percent hunter-prey.
- OWEN: Really? - Mm-hmm.
I got a dog with me, but she's nice.
Is it okay? Oh yeah, sure! Bring her in.
That's fine.
- OWEN: Really? - What? It's just a dog.
This is why I go to dispensaries.
- (DOG BARKS) - BOTH: Hey.
Oh, sorry about that.
- Hey.
No, it's okay.
Hi baby! What happened to her eye? THE GUY: I don't know.
She just started following me, - and then, uh I don't know, I got Annie'd.
- YARA: Aw.
I got same old indica, sativa, cartridges, edibles, all of which you like.
I want a dog so bad.
- Since when do you want a dog? - YARA: Since always! I've seriously been thinking about it.
OWEN: Yeah, but you work all the time, and this place is way too small for a dog.
Oh, wait, you think I'd be a bad dog owner? No.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying that it's a cute dog and now you're having pet FOMO.
- Fear of Missing Ohho.
- (OWEN LAUGHS) - You like that? - OWEN: Yeah, that's a good one.
- THE GUY: It's a terrible joke.
- (YARA LAUGHS) Um, do you have any, like, beef jerky or anything like that? I mean, it's highly processed.
I don't think, like, - it's good for a dog.
- Right.
- OWEN: Right.
- Cool, cool, cool Okay, a hundred and twenty.
OWEN: I know I'm terrible at gifts, but I think this time, I - nailed it.
- (YARA CHUCKLES) - Happy anniversary.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, I'll be the judge of that.
- Yeah? I saw it and it totally reminded me of you, so.
What's wrong? What? (LAUGHS) What's wrong? - Oops.
- Oh (LAUGHS) Is this why it reminded you of me? You're fucking kidding me? (BOTH LAUGHING) Actually, it's a really funny story.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'll take care of it.
- What? - I'll take care of it.
Take care of it Fuck.
- Fuck.
Hold on.
- What? No, I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm just having like a like a stoner moment.
Um Okay.
Can I, can I tell you? - Uh - OWEN: Yeah.
All right.
So my-my mom she didn't have a choice, she had to take care of my dad because she's a woman, and she's supposed to be a caretaker.
And if she didn't do it, then he would have been pissed at her, and then I would have been pissed at her too, and everyone would have been pissed at her.
I mean, everyone may have been pissed for like a little bit, but No, no, no, no.
Still Listen.
It makes total sense.
If I take care of you, then no one will be mad at me.
I'm I mean, that's I don't think that's how it is anymore, though Owen, come on, please.
That's how it is for women.
- You don't know how it is.
- Yeah.
But, I mean, you and your mom are like two totally different people.
It's different times and Yeah, but I was literally conditioned, my whole life, to believe that my purpose was to nurture and support a husband.
And the only way that I could justify not doing that was by working really hard and making something really important.
And so, I became this workaholic.
And I'm pretty much the same as my mom then.
Like, like, I have to I have to do something so that people will love me.
No, I mean, you don't have to do anything for anyone to love you.
I love you, Smoothie.
Well, yeah, I know.
I know, and that is totally on purpose like God, you are You are nothing like I mean, you don't even need me to take care of you, like You're literally in nursing school, you're a natural caretaker.
And your-your ambitions Your ambitions are smaller.
Like I genuinely believe that you're the only person in my life who is a man who will not take away my purpose.
God, and that is so great.
That is that is so good for me because it's safe.
Why ouch? What are you talking about? I mean, you just said my main selling point is that (LAUGHS) that I'm not ambitious.
- And, you know, I can - Wait.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
First of all, you're the one that said you didn't want to be a doctor.
- And then, I can just take care of you.
- YARA: I was just quoting you.
But I work my ass off, so Yeah, I know, we both work our asses off.
What I'm saying is that you're not like my dad and that's a good thing.
It's not a codependent relationship.
(SIGHS) It's not about being your dad or not being your dad.
It's the fact that you just said that like I'm-I'm nothing Are you fucking kidding me with the mic? - You're fucking recording this? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You just laid out on me and then this is what I get? I'm sorry.
I'm stoned.
I'll turn it off.
Well, yeah.
You're definitely fucked up.
(SCOFFS) Can I ask you some questions or - does it go one way? - No.
Of course.
What did you get me for our anniversary? Yeah.
Happy anniversary, Smoothie.
It's been 20 minutes.
Let's go! - Um, I called it after her.
- I gotta be at work by 10:00.
- It's 9:45 right now.
- What? ARNOLD: Bah-gock! Where's Kyra? Bah-cock-a-doodle-doo! You can have custody when you buy more than one set of sheets for your home! MAN (OVER PHONE): You don't know what's going on with my body anymore, Kyra.
I've been looking all over this farm for Kyra! Is that you? Bah-gock! (IN THE MELODY OF "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM"): It's your birthday, here we go I heard you're 49 No one's getting younger now You're runnin' out of time With a hemorrhoid here and a bad back there Better get yourself better medical care Old Miss Kyra's 49 and runnin' out of time! (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) MAN (OVER PHONE): What the fuck is going on over there? So fun.
So colorful.
- Great face.
- Thank you.
Honestly, thank you.
Honestly, I work for tips.
Oh okay.
- Well, let me go see about that.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Chicken's got a full day.
Excuse me.
Can I use your restroom? Mm-hmm.
Open to enter.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- MAN: Hello.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Doors closing.
Doors opening.
Open to enter.
(SCREAMING) This isn't a changing room.
Sir, people fuck in here! Okay? I'm just trying to get ready for work! Get off my dick! I'm a trouble alone, one I'm trouble to you, two (GASPS) You scared me.
These balloons aren't sized well.
You're trying to sabotage me! Where's Barbara? I see you.
Happy birthday to you Stop filming me.
(WAILING) - I'm a baby! - (CROWD LAUGHING) When I sing "my darling spinning top" Kids all say they love you, Happy anniversary - Yee-haw! Come on now, give me a tip! - (LAUGHING) Or at least let me change my pants! MAN: I see you with that lasso! How sweet, my chubby little Twinkie This dog looks like a Twinkie You have a backpack full of Twinkie My doggy backpack full of Twinkie - My chubby one-eyed doggy - (DOG HOWLS) See you later, man.
- Zack? - No.
(TO THE MELODY OF "BINGO"): Your girlfriend knows that you're a dog And cheated like a lame-o It's time to go 'Cause you're a ho She threw your shit out the window 'Cause you're a fucking bozo (HOWLS) Now how about a tip? Wow, man.
You got a whole thing going on.
Come on, tip me.
I'm not Zack.
I'm sorry.
Why would you let me get through the entire song? I was into it, man.
You got somethin'! Zack! Your girlfriend knows that you're a dog You don't have to sing.
You don't have to sing.
Come on, Jane paid for the song.
Well, I heard it so, thank you, I guess.
Listen, man.
I don't get paid if I don't sing.
- So just let me get - Sorry, am I supposed to worry about you? - Fuck you! - You know what? Jane was right.
You're a fucking bozo! I understand why that mix-up happened now.
Hey, man.
You were good.
Here Here.
(TO THE MELODY OF "BINGO): There was a man on Instagram Who was suffering from FOMO FOMO You thirsty, baby? Let's have some drink! (CELL PHONE CHIMING) Hello? Yes, yes.
That was me.
Uh, thank you so much for calling me Okay.
Um, is there a family? Okay, well, thank you for calling.
(COOING) (WHISPERS): Fuck! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Come on! Kids' daisy chain? There are nine million people in New York! - (BALLOON POPS) - (CAR ALARM HONKING) ARNOLD: Oh, no.
Shit! (CAR ALARM CONTINUING) - ARNOLD: Bathroom? - You've gotta buy something.
Yeah, doi! I'm gonna buy something! Fuck.
- (SIGHS) - (PHONE CHIMES) Oh, that sounds fun.
(ARNOLD SIGHS) I'd give it a minute.
Thank you so much.
And sorry about earlier.
I had to poop.
I've been there.
- What would you like? - What do you like? - The blondies are amazing.
- I'll take one of those.
And a latte, with four shots of espresso.
You got it.
OWEN: Are you fuckin' kidding me with the mic? You're fuckin' recording this? YARA: Oh I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm stoned.
I'll turn it off.
OWEN: Yeah, you're definitely fucked up! Can I ask you some questions? Or does it go one way? YARA: No.
Of course.
OWEN: What did you get me for our anniversary? Yeah.
Happy anniversary, Smoothie.
(MICROPHONE CLATTERS) (SIGHS, MURMURS) CHANA JOFFE-WALT: Yara, are you okay? YARA: Um We're not talking.
All right.
Wanna go around? Susan? SUSAN BURTON: I mean, it's really different than the story you pitched.
I mean, it's not really about your parents anymore, you know? - (ALL AGREEING) - IRA: What happened what happened to the idea of you getting your parents on tape talking about this? Well, I I tried to talk to my mom but, um she didn't wanna talk, she didn't wanna do it.
And so, Owen and I started talking about it on tape.
And, um Yeah, it led to this.
DAVID: I'm trying to think how it works without your parents.
Like maybe it could go in like a wrong-ending show or something? CHANA: You seem like you're being very genuine and expecting a response from him that is different than the one he gives, and it feels surprising when it happens, when he says ouch, but, yeah, I feel like we'd need more setup to understand what that moment means.
ROBYN SEMIEN: Do you think she could write it though? Like what if she just wrote through all of the story - of what her parents did.
- CHANA: Maybe, but you would write about your parents though.
I think you'd have to write about your parents' story.
I couldn't like I didn't actually understand what was going on.
But I think it's kind of amazing that like, sorry It's kind of amazing to hear a breakup unfold in real time, in this accidental way, and that to me felt like, oh, that's special tape.
But because I was so lost at the beginning, the fact that it turns and suddenly you're fighting.
I'm like, I'm still trying to catch up to the first conversation.
IRA: Yeah, I have the same feeling.
I just think it's one of those things where a big important thing happened, you have this dramatic moment on tape, but I just think it's not gonna work as a radio piece.
And I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay.
- It's okay - Hey, I'm looking for Yara.
- ARNOLD: Yara? - (LAUGHING): Yo! What? Um Yara, I have a singing telegram from Owen.
You know the bed feels colder Being here alone I still have dreams of us older Doing anything we want You think you got the best of me You think I gave you my best parts And you think everything good is gone Thought you seen me broken down Thought that I'd come running back Smoothie, you know me That's what this is (LAUGHTER) (ARNOLD VOCALIZING) 'Cause what doesn't kill us makes us stronger Be a little kinder Help each other be better than on our own I love to see you be inspired Rub your feet when you are tired To me you are the feeling of being home I love you as you are-a You're Yara And to me you are a star Let's stay together, Smoothie Stay home and watch a movie Or tie me up like a rope bunny I love you as you are-a You're Yara! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - ARNOLD: Look who's here! - ELNA: Wait.
Is he here? - WOMAN: Oh.
- ELNA: Oh, my God, that's him.
IRA: Is that the boyfriend? ALL: Aw! IRA: So when you came to New York, what did you think you were going to be doing? ARNOLD: Not this.
I moved here with my BFA, and I just wanted to perform, and this is one of the jobs where you get to perform.
I don't have the privilege of not working.
- This is what I do.
- I don't know.
Like, how often is it good? (SIGHS) You know.
I'll say this: Every day is different, every day is hard, but it has its moments.
IRA: The way I think of Arnold's job is like the weirdest recycling job ever.
Taking these songs, changing them around a little, and performing them in a setting they were not made for.
Repurposing them for this audience that usually does not want them.
Honestly it's hard to imagine a tougher room, a more hostile crowd than the one that Arnold faces, day in and day out.
Good girl.
IRA: But he shows up with these unwanted songs, - and he is not embraced.
- (DOG HOWLS) It's like he's disposable.
Until finally, not very often, the true love that lives inside those old songs finds a home.
- This is FOMO.
- Hi, FOMO.
She'll be hanging out with us this summer.
That makes me happy.
There you go.
- Hey, what are you doin'? - I'm doin' a little - Come on! Come on, come on! - All right, all right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Oh dang! Got it! - You weren't kiddin' around.
- (GRUNTS) - Got it.
IRA: And God knows I have to say that lots of stories that we do here on the radio, is only by diving into the darkest feelings, the worst moments a person possibly goes through that we get to anything worth hearing.
And what makes it kinda beautiful and it's a little corny, but it's true, is how random it is.
So often it's just like this random moment, you know? You see something on the curb that nobody wanted.
You realize like, oh, that can be mine, like that is mine now.
Like this moment of random greatness pops into your day that was otherwise monumental garbage.
That's our show today: People going deep into the trash, hoping to pull out something good.
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
I'm Ira Glass.
Stay with us.
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