High Maintenance (2016) s04e05 Episode Script


- Nah.
Nigga, control, bro.
Like, nothing TEENAGER 1: And she And she like me.
TEENAGER 2: Nigga! (LAUGHS) Nigga, please.
- Don't nobody like your skinny ass.
- TEENAGER 1: What are you lau Stop laughing.
Stop laughing.
That's not funny.
She likes me.
TEENAGER 2: Aw, you gonna hurt now? STORE CLERK: Nah, bro, that was the last one.
- (HORSE NICKERING) - (SMOOCHES) - Got some food.
- (T NICKERING) - Yeah.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Here's some big pieces.
(T NICKERS) - Good boy.
(COUGHS) Nah, man.
- That ain't for me.
- (CHUCKLES) Not for you? - They be doing too much.
- Yeah, I feel you there.
- (COUGHS) - CONNIE: Damn, Unc! Can't handle it? You're too old, Unc.
- You hear that? Oh, hell, no.
- Aha.
The young boy calling you out.
- I'm just sayin', Unc.
- You ain't just sayin' shit.
- What, you mad now? - Yeah, I'm mad.
These boys, they don't know how to treat people with respect.
DAMIEN: Hey, take it easy on him.
D, don't tell me how to talk to my nephew now.
CONNIE: It was just a joke.
- CEDRIC: Joke, my ass.
- Yo, cal Just calm down.
- Calm It was just a joke.
- CEDRIC: You and your jokes.
You don't know nothin' about nothing.
And here come another one.
DAMIEN: Damn, Cedric.
How many kids you got living up in here, man? Alvin, you don't know how to say "Hey", when you see people? - Uh, hey.
- What's up, little man? - ALVIN: Yeah, chillin'.
- CONNIE: What's up, man? CEDRIC: Wait, boy.
(CLEARS THROAT) What you got? DAMIEN: There's indica, sativa, hybrid.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? DAMIEN: You askin' the wrong one.
I don't really be fuckin' with kids.
- Bro, when your moms get back? - Uh, Sunday.
- (CHUCKLES) Good.
She need to hurry up, 'cause your pops stay trippin'.
And all he do is cook that beef and them noodles.
- The Kool-Aid ain't got no sugar.
- (LAUGHS) The chicken is dry.
I just can't do it no more, man.
We just cop some heat? - ALVIN: Yeah, some new Travis Scotts.
- Okay.
- Okay, you lit.
- Yeah, with fire.
All right.
Um, I'm gonna let you do you, bro.
- Aight.
- Aight.
All right.
CONNIE: Been rockin' that same flannel since 1984.
CEDRIC: This flannel look good.
I don't know about you.
- Alvin! - (TV PLAYING LOUDLY) CEDRIC: Pass me that remote.
(TV CONTINUING INDISTINCTLY) (GRUNTS) (AUDIO VOLUME DECREASES) (SIGHS) Alvin, you know you gotta clean up this house before your mama get back in town.
- Mm-hmm.
- CEDRIC: And Connie can help you too.
I can do it by myself.
- Al won some shoes today.
- Who giving you shoes? I mean, I still gotta buy them.
I don't get that.
He won a raffle to buy some exclusive joints.
See, I-I don't get that.
What happened to just going to the store and picking up some damn shoes? CONNIE: You can do that.
They just gonna be wack.
- It's just stylin', Pops.
- CEDRIC: Ain't no style.
Colors all over the place.
It make no damn sense.
Walkin' around here wearing ball shoes, you don't even play.
I don't need no damn exclusive shoes.
(SCOFFS) You know, I picked up your mama wearing just flip-flops.
(CONNIE LAUGHS) Unc, you a old hater, for real.
Boy, shut up.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) CONNIE: Al, come look at this, bro! Oh, shit.
- (CONNIE GRUNTS) - ALVIN: Good looking, brah.
- Hmm - Oh! Okay.
Oh, I didn't know you got two pairs! - Yeah, man.
- Oh.
The quicker I sell 'em on GOAT, the quicker they're gone.
Why not just take 'em to SoleStage and make some more bread? I don't know, bro.
You know I don't like dealing with people like that.
And plus, it's just easier like this.
- But you can make more money in-store.
- So? So, nigga, let's go.
What are you doing? We can make some more bread.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Can I get some help real quick? - SALESWOMAN: Yeah, what's up? You good? - CONNIE: Yeah, I'm good.
I'm just tryin' to see if y'all got Travis Scott low-tops.
Size ten.
- You know what I'm talking about? - SALESWOMAN: I don't even know.
- Hey, yo, Dev.
- DEV: Yo.
CONNIE: Just wanna know if y'all got them Travis Scott, size ten, low-tops.
You know what I'm talking about? Yo, that's crazy.
That business guy that was just in here was lookin' for 'em.
Only size 13, bro.
All right? - All right.
Thank you.
- All right, no problem.
- CONNIE: Bye.
- DEV: Bye, bro.
CONNIE: Hey, hey.
Let's go, boy.
Come on.
DEV: I don't know why those kicks are so expensive.
CONNIE: Yo, my guy! Yo! Yo! Yo, yo! What's up? - My fault.
Calm down.
- May I help you? Calm down.
Calm down.
We heard you wanted some new Travs.
- And? - And we got some.
Show him your shoes, bro.
It's all good.
- BUSINESSMAN: Those are real? - Oh, they sure are.
- Those are tens? - CONNIE: Yeah.
Right? They're tens.
All right.
(SNIFFS) I'll give you 400.
Four-hundred? Fifteen.
- What? - CONNIE: How much the app say, bro? - ALVIN: 1,250.
- I know how much they are.
Okay, so then why you tryin' to play us then? - They're tens? - CONNIE: They're your size.
850, man.
All right.
How 'bout we call it 900? Look, you new to this.
I'm true to this, baby.
I told you, man.
Just follow me.
I know what I'm doing, man.
- Now this, man.
Look into the - Look at this.
Do you see that? Come on.
You dance You gotta You gotta stop.
You can't dance, bro.
- Bro, you hatin', bro.
- Nah, you dance just like your pops, boy.
- Aight, fuck outta here.
You're bonkers.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, nah.
You got that Temptation energy, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.
You're just really a hater.
You don't even sound like a nigga that can dance.
- I don't even do all that.
- Yeah, you do.
- You (GRUNTS) - No, I don't.
You got a swag - (ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) - Hold up.
Yo, y'all wanna hoop? If y'all play, we could run a full court, four-on-four.
Yeah, we'll play.
Come on.
- TONE: Yo, you're late, Susie-Q Train.
- Let's go.
ALVIN: I didn't say I wanted to play.
CONNIE: Let's go, boy.
You about to hoop, baby.
We about to drop buckets, man.
I'm trying to drop 50 - TONE: We got two more.
- CONNIE: on everybody here.
- TONE: I got the kid.
They got homie right here.
- CONNIE: Come on, now.
- WOMAN: Hi y'all.
- What's up? Connie.
- TONE: I'll take, uh, uh - CONNIE: Connie.
- MAN: We got these two? - TONE: Yeah.
- MAN: Okay, we'll take 'em.
- (ALVIN BREATHES DEEPLY) - TONE: Yeah, Susie - (CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) - Yo, what's up, man? Tone.
- Alvin.
All right.
All right.
- Rich.
What's going on? - Alvin.
Just chillin'.
- Hi.
I'm (INDISTINCT) - Alvin.
- You good? - Yeah.
CONNIE: Take your shoes, boy.
Let's go! All right.
Reach that bucket.
Don't worry.
MAN: Watch your man! watch your man! CONNIE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! TONE: Get that ball, big guy.
Be ready.
Be ready.
(R&B SONG PLAYING) - CONNIE: Oh, yeah! Woo! - (BACKBOARD CLATTERS) CONNIE: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Let's get it! (PLAYERS CHATTERING) - RICH: Throw it up a little higher.
- THE GUY: I got it! - Let's go, let's go, let's go! - CONNIE: It's all good.
- We can get it back.
- (GRUNTS) Uh, sorry.
- No worries.
- RICH AND CONNIE: It's all good.
THE GUY: Yeah.
Will somebody wear me to the fair? - Will a lady pin me in her hair - CONNIE: Yo, you good, bro? It's all good, it's all good, it's all good.
Will a child find me CONNIE: Let's go, baby! Block it! I got him.
I got him.
You got 'em now.
CONNIE: Yeah, yeah.
Back him up.
Oh, get it! - (HOOP CLATTERS) - (CHEERING) THE GUY: Yeah! MAN: Oh, get your hands up! (CHEERING) You better hit it, girl.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hit that.
Hey, cross him up next time.
Cross him up.
MAN: Give it to Al Oh! Pass right! Pass right! TONE: Alvin, come here! Oh - (CHEERING) - Ring all the bells sing and tell the people I made it! (LAUGHS) - Yeah! - Light up the sky with your prayers of gladness And rejoice for the darkness is gone CONNIE: All right, kick! Ooh! (LAUGHS) You was out there, boy.
I see you.
- ALVIN: Killin'.
- I see.
I was proud of you.
I was like, all right, that's my little cousin right there.
(ALVIN LAUGHS) I was doing my thing for the game.
CONNIE: Yeah, a little somethin', somethin'.
Wasn't bad out there, man.
ALVIN: Yeah, you showed your thing.
But thanks, cuz, for getting me out today.
I don't really do you know.
- CONNIE: It was fun today, man.
- It was fun, it was fun, it was fun.
CONNIE: You know, you were doing it.
Yeah, you wanna know the funny thing? It was like, weird, because I could do anything.
Oh, okay.
Let's come right down there, Superman.
'Cause you know - Bro, you always wanna start.
- Yo, bro, - get your hand out of my face before it's an issue.
- Boom.
- What you gonna do? What you gonna do? - 'Cause you know what happens.
- Bro, stop playin' with me.
- What you gonna do? Weave.
Come here.
Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Woo, woo, woo, woo.
Oh, give me this bag.
(LAUGHS) You know you swift.
La, la-la-la (DOG BARKING) (GIGGLING) WOMAN: But, you know, it could happen.
It could happen.
That fat fuckin' pig! Fuckin' fuck.
But you know what I'm saying, I can't even stand when his face comes in front of my TV.
I'm like, fucking warn me first! Your vegetables are just lovely.
Oh, that's nice of you.
I'm, I'm trying.
- My first year doing it.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Have you been a member of this garden a while? - Just a short time.
Just this year - JACKSON: Hi, mi amor.
Ah, Jackson John.
- THE GUY: Jackson? - (JACKSON SMOOCHES) - Agape.
- Mmm.
- Holy shit, dude.
- THE GUY: What's going on? - Hi.
I'm sweaty, I'm sweaty.
- What are you doing here? It's all good, man.
- It is so good to see you.
- What's going on? - It's been like a dozen years, man.
- Dude, I can't believe We were bike couriers together when I first moved to New York City.
I mean, we did our salad days together, right? - We were working our asses off.
- We did some pretty major salad days, yeah.
Why don't you come over for dinner, huh? We're having a party.
Bring your vegetables.
Turn your salad days into salad nights.
- (LAUGHS): Oh, yes.
- THE GUY: I love vegetable humor.
- (FOMO WHINING) - Yeah, no pro Hey, Fomo.
MIKHAEL: Powder! Powder, the dog doesn't like that.
It's okay.
The dog has a present anus.
- We'll figure it out with the dog.
- Okay, cool.
And if you come over here, our friend Bryan Crockett wanted to depict the seven deadly sins through mice.
Can you guess which one? Uh, sloth? - Gluttony.
- Ah.
Sloth and gluttony.
(IMITATING BRAD PITT): What's in the box? The box? - When he goes, like - MIKHAEL: The box? - Know what I mean? - No, I don't.
From Seven? Remember Brad Pitt? Forget about it, forget about it.
- Cool.
What's this? - Okay.
RAOUL: Did you know the way they grow asparagus makes it like the veal of vegetables? No, but you know what? I forgot to get veal.
That's what I forgot to do.
Sharona? I forgot to get the veal, and also, the crystals, I left them on the nightstand to charge - I put them on the windowsill.
- You did? You're amazing.
- You are amazing.
- POWDER: Papa, look.
- I'm Jesus Christ.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - More like the anti-Christ.
- DK: Oh, my God have you all seen, uh, - Pop-n-Lock Jesus Chroist on YouTube? - Oh! - Actually popping and locking.
- To the church.
- To the church.
- Uh-huh.
MIKHAEL: Our friend John Bianchi made this quintessential ouroboros.
- Oh.
A snake eating its own tail.
- Yes.
That's an eating disorder.
It's a sculpture.
- No, it's a sculpture.
You're right.
- Yes.
You smoke a lot of weed, yes? Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
A pipe from Cambodia.
Oh, I Yeah, sure.
Ma chérie, is it okay if, uh, Powder plays Just Dance? Did you already play today? - We danced, but we didn't Just Dance.
Twenty minutes, huh? - Have you met Sharona? - Hi.
Yeah, we met out - We met outside.
- We, yeah.
Can Hi.
- SHARONA: Let's go.
- MIKHAEL: Okay.
I should make the salad.
Oh, great.
I'm, uh I'm gonna go check on the dog.
One for you.
I hope that's okay for humans.
We'll leave soon, okay? Okay.
I'm sorry.
- (WHIRRING) - SHARONA: That's okay.
I'll be right out.
- I didn't The door was open.
- SHARONA: Oh, yeah.
Almost done.
I'm sorry.
I was just taking some extra time on the Toto seat.
- There you go.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- Man, you really stink.
- What's that? - You really stink.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, 'cause I was gardening all day.
I haven't got a chance to shower.
Do you mind if I, uh, take you in? - THE GUY: You want to smell? - SHARONA: Yeah.
You see this? How do you feel about this? THE GUY: Oh, wow.
- SHARONA: Is that okay? - THE GUY: Yeah, no.
It's great.
MIKHAEL: She's got exotic tastes.
- SHARONA: So intense.
- Yeah, for sure.
(VULTURES SQUAWKING) THE GUY: Dude, what the fuck are we watching over here? JACKSON: Pretty awesome, right? This is a film by our friend, Greta Alfaro, called In Ictu Oculi.
THE GUY: Hey, you wanna smoke? Anybody want to do a J with me? - Uh, no.
- No, thank you.
No? You want to do one, man? It's been a long time.
- Go ahead, Jackson.
- (VULTURES SQUAWKING ON TV) Enjoy with you bicycle buddy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- JACKSON: Let's do it.
- Okay, cool.
(INHALES) So, which Postmate were you? I was number four, dude.
It was crazy.
They just offered me stock.
It was a start-up - SHARONA: Room for a third? - JACKSON: Yeah, love.
Easy, tiger.
- Take it easy.
- Been a long time.
Long time.
THE GUY: Been a long time.
(COUGHS) Mon chéri.
(SMOOCHING) - Do you want some of this? - No, thank you.
I'm not a teenager.
(MAN LAUGHING IN THE DISTANCE) (COUGHS) Oh, what was that Uh, wha What was that app? - Um, what was it called? - SHARONA: Hinge? - Safari? - Raya? - Chrome.
- Stocks.
- (SHARONA LAUGHING) - JACKSON: No, it was like, uh - SHARONA: Find my phone.
- Yeah.
(COUGHS) It was like, Uber for weed delivery.
She was like, "You like, boo-boop, I like this kind of weed.
- Boop-boop-boop".
- (SHARONA LAUGHING) - (LAUGHING) - THE GUY: I never heard of that.
- (JACKSON COUGHS) - That's some bad news for me.
SHARONA: Did you hear about the, um (GIGGLES) about those taxi drivers who took out million-dollar loans for the cab medallions, - and then Uber came along - Uh-huh.
and took their business.
And now, you know, they can't pay off their loans, and they're committing suicide.
- No, I didn't hear about that.
- Crazy.
Yeah, that's crazy.
- So let's talk about anything else.
- Right.
THE GUY: Yeah.
I'm pretty hot.
It's hot in here.
THE GUY: Hot in this hot tub, man.
- (COUGHS) - THE GUY: I'm burning up.
(COUGHS) (GROANS) All right.
DK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) - Oh, my goodness.
- (LAUGHING AND CHATTERING) - MAN (ON TV): The thorn! RAOUL: The thorn! The thorn of truth! DK: Jesus stuff aside, the joy that he is getting from this right now, come on! MIKHAEL: He's so passionate.
Listen to this crowd going nuts.
THE GUY: For sure.
He believes what he is doing, for real.
MIKHAEL: He does believe.
Look at him.
- Oh, my God.
- DK: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh! - (CLAPPING) THE GUY: Very good, man.
- That was very good.
- I told y'all.
I told y'all.
I love him.
- THE GUY: You guys seen a turtle sex video? - Oh, yeah! - (ALL CHATTERING) - Type in, turtle, uh - THE GUY: Turtle sex - SHARONA: shoe.
- THE GUY: Oh, this is a classic.
- SHARONA: Did you see it? You've seen it? - Amazing.
Yes! - THE GUY: There's a bunch of 'em.
- SHARONA: Looks like zombies.
- Look at him! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! MIKHAEL: Look at his little dong! - (LAUGHING AND CHATTERING) - MIKHAEL: Oh, my goodness.
- MIKHAEL: Now that is popping and locking.
- (LAUGHING) (WHIRRING) (SNIFFING) (WHINES) MAN (ON TV): and how my pores are so clean MIKHAEL: I forgot to make ice cream.
DK: I don't know if we would want to have ice cream after watching this.
THE GUY: Talk about a brain freeze.
(ALL LAUGHING) - JACKSON: Ah, well done.
- DK: It's eating its own skull.
MIKHAEL: It makes my mouth water.
DK: Must be a Haagen-Dazs ad for like, Denmark or Sweden.
- Yeah, exactly.
- That won some award.
This is terrifying.
- RAOUL: How long does this last? - MIKHAEL: It looks delicious.
- It is an - THE GUY: It is an advertisement! - ALL: Yes! - Now it's gone.
DK: Is there something less, um - THE GUY: Terrifying? - DK: expressionist, that we can watch? (ALL CHATTERING SOFTLY) - Shh! - It's time to learn about proper opossum massage.
Here we have a senior opossum.
RAOUL: I don't like it when she grabs the tail.
- DK: That's weird.
Can they do this? - It's very calm.
MIKHAEL: Well behaved, for a wild animal.
You know what, fuck that, okay? - THE GUY: Huh? - DK: What year is this? - Fuck it? - Uh-huh.
- RAOUL: It's time, right? - MIKHAEL: Yes.
It's from the '70s or '80s? Yes.
DK: The '70s or '80s, right? MIKHAEL: Yes.
Maybe it's her hairstyle? DK: Or maybe she's been wearing that hairstyle since the '70s and '80s.
MIKHAEL: Well, if it suits you, why change it? - (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - Shake out the stress.
- MIKHAEL: Even, even her shirt.
- Shake it out.
- THE GUY: Is that too much? - RAOUL: Aren't raccoons the same? DK: Yeah, 'cause if you see a raccoon during the day, - there's a problem.
- You okay, man? Um - MIKHAEL: She's massaging him.
- I'm gonna go feed Ishtar.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - A little lower.
Yes, feed him, please.
He must be hungry.
I mean, I'm pretty relaxed.
You're safe.
- Whoa, whoa! MIKHAEL: (GASPS) Jackson! (EXCITED CHATTERING) SHARONA: Get a cold, wet towel.
Put it on the back of his neck.
MIKHAEL: This is my department.
I'll handle this.
- Jackson, come on.
- RAOUL: I bet it's his blood pressure.
- (GROANING): I'm up.
(MUTTERING) - MIKHAEL: Huh, baby? (ALL CHATTERING) - THE GUY: You okay? - Yeah.
I wanna watch the, uh, videos.
- He's going down.
- (EXCITED CHATTERING) - RAOUL: It's definitely his blood pressure.
- What was that shit, man? It was just normal.
It's weed, it's weed, it's weed! - MIKHAEL: Okay.
You're okay.
- SHARONA: Hey, Jackson.
- Yeah.
I love you.
Hey! - You're okay.
You're okay.
- SHARONA: You're safe, you're warm.
- (JACKSON MUTTERING) - You're sexy.
- JACKSON: Oh, you're so sexy, yeah.
(SHARONA AND JACKSON LAUGHING) POWDER: Mama, Papa, Sharona, I had the dream again! Agape, amor, you're fin.
Sharona, please take her upstairs.
- SHARONA: Let's, uh, Just Dance.
- You know what? I'm gonna go help her, actually.
I'm so sorry.
- All right.
- SHARONA: Huh? Sorry, again.
Papa, can you hear me? (ROOMBA WHIRRING) (CLACKING) - (WHIMPERS SOFTLY) - (DISTANT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - (SHARONA AND THE GUY LAUGHING) - (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) THE GUY: How do we know if we're doing well? SHARONA: We're doing extremely well.
I think you know in your heart when you're doing well.
- (GRUNTING) - (MUSIC CONTINUES) - I'm really glad we're up here and not downstairs.
- (SHARONA LAUGHING) - (FOMO BARKING) - SHARONA: Best part is coming.
- (FOMO BARKING) - THE GUY: Hold on, Fomo.
I'm coming.
Oh, my God.
It's time to go.
Shake it out.
And stretch.
(INHALES) Breathe.
(EXHALES) And begin at the base of the skull, working in slow, gentle, concentric circles.
Then stretch out the trapezius.
It may help to use your weight as leverage.
See what I'm doing? Push, and fan.
Push, and fan.
Then we move down her spine, briskly, stimulating each of the vertebrae as we go.
Pull up on the rib cage.
(GROANS): Oh, that feels good.
Other side.
Always work both sides of the body.
Otherwise, you might inadvertently interfere with your opossum's natural chi.
And nobody wants that.
Next, we knead down the quadriceps.
We're checking for knots.
(GRUNTS) I think I found one.
Okay, work it out (SIGHS) There.
Oh, I bet that feels better! All right.
Everybody loves a good foot massage.
The opossum is no exception.
So I put ointment on my fingertips.
And I'm going to find the shiatsu pressure point in the pads of the feet.
Press gently.
And awaken all those little nerve endings.
I bet you feel that.
All right.
Now we come to the part of the massage that many people think is whole lot of fun, and that's the tail rub.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? We could go floss shopping.
Mommy has a crush.
WOMAN: You embarrassed her.
Now, she's gonna go jump out a window.
She won't get too far, we're on the first floor.
Get the treat.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Come on, get the treat.
- (DOG BARKS) - Okay.
We'll work on that.
- These are for me, man? - I had too much from my garden.
I love pickles.
- Who doesn't, baby? - (LAUGHS) (MUSIC CONCLUDES)
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