High Maintenance (2016) s04e04 Episode Script


1 - (ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING SOFT, SLOW MELODY) - (FIRE CRACKLING) MAN: If God had a name ALL (SOFTLY): What would it be? And would you call it to his face If you were faced with him in all of his glory? What would you ask if you had just one question? And, yeah, yeah God is great And, yeah, yeah God is good And, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah What if God was one of us Just a slob like one of us Just a stranger on a bus Trying to make his way home? And, yeah, yeah God is great And, yeah, yeah (COUGHING) There you go, Charlie.
- Sorry (CLEARS THROAT) - HANNI: It's fine.
So, where are you going again, UCLA? UC Santa Barbara.
Is that where Shawn goes? No.
He goes to Westmont.
It's, like, close.
- Mm.
- HANNI: I don't know.
I just wanna get off the East Coast.
I, like, need to be in California.
Yeah, totally.
- HANNI: It's cashed.
- Mm.
HANNI: We should go.
You can keep it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't need it.
I have a ton.
Do you want this? Uh, nah.
Uh, what about this one? Uh, yeah, keep that one.
She liked it.
Actually, um, I'm going to take that one back with me if that's cool.
- Sure.
- Cool.
- Hey.
- Hmm? You wanna smoke this? - I-I don't think that you should be doing - CHARLIE: Oh, my God.
It's, like, not a big deal.
Okay? I'm still sober, I promise.
This is the only thing that I do now.
Okay? (SIGHS) Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
I appreciate your concern.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
(CHUCKLES) - It's from my God phase.
- Oh, wow.
- (CHUCKLES) - (EVA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) You know, it was cool she let you do that.
She was definitely exceptionally tolerant of me.
(SIGHS) (SOBBING SOFTLY) (SNIFFLES) (SOBBING CONTINUES) You don't know if you could use the money? EVA: (SIGHS) It's just weird.
I mean Do we have to sell it? We could wait a little while.
Yeah, I mean, we can like, totally wait if you want, but I'm definitely not moving back here.
(SIGHS) CHARLIE: Did you wanna live here? Yeah.
Really? (SIGHS) That's a super long commute.
I'm going on my break.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) - Uh, do you have a light? - Oh, sure.
DANA: Thanks.
(CHATTERING) (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) - (DISHWARE CLATTERING) - (CHATTERING) I mean, literally, there's not a single server in here.
Wait, wait.
Could you do that one more time, 'cause I didn't have the camera on, and I really want to get that.
Hang on.
(IN GRUFF VOICE): Bill just wants to drink his beer.
(LAUGHS) I like that reading.
Oh, wait.
Here's one.
Hello? Hello? - Do you see me? Hello? Hi, hi, hi.
- (TED LAUGHING) - Oh! I'm so sorry about that.
- BILL: Hi! Uh, I can take care of this whenever you're ready.
No rush.
Uh, you delivered his beer with the lid still on, so if you could just pop that off for us, - that would be great.
- DANA: Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
TED: No worries.
Thank you.
Oh, with the lighter.
(LID POPS) - TED AND BILL: Oh! - (ALL CHUCKLE) - TED: That's clever.
- Yeah.
Mmm! - TED: Thank you.
- DANA: Of course.
Oh, could I get one more strawberry margarita before we go? But we would like to drink together, though.
DANA: Uh, okay.
Uh, right away.
- So sorry, again.
- TED: No, thank you.
What was your name again? - Uh, Dana.
- Dana.
Thank you, Dana.
- Of course.
- Mm-hmm.
You should have recorded that.
Oh, come on.
Being a server's hard.
You've never done it, and she's cute.
You could smell the cigarettes on her.
She took like a 12-minute break.
What is this, like Ruby Tuesday? - TED: They have excellent bread.
- Mm.
- Sarah Michelle.
- (LAUGHS) - And I'm keeping this.
Thank you very much.
- Uh-uh.
- TED: Here she comes.
- (BILL CLEARS THROAT) So this, and the margarita, are on the house.
Oh! So sorry, again.
Hope you have a good night.
- Could you put that in a to-go box? - DANA: Uh, of course.
Thank you so much, Dana.
Okay, that was nice.
Date night.
We do it every Friday, 14 years strong, and it works.
Now This week, it wasn't a bust.
We went to see Birdman, and finally got to see Michael Keaton do something more than Batman.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Although I did love him in Mr.
- Bill, company! Thank you.
- I'll get it.
Uh, from there we took a risk - to a new neighborhood joint, called Gianara's.
- (DOOR OPENS) - And, look, I thought the place was lovely.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) But Bill really, he thought it was a little, uh, spotty in the service area.
Hi! - Hi, how are you? Hey.
- TED: Dealerista! Oh, my God.
Look at those shoes.
Will you please, please tap those toes for me? - Uh (STAMMERS) Ignore him.
- Oh.
- TED: Oh-ho! Peggy Sawyer! - THE GUY: Thank you.
What can I get for you gentlemen? TED: You can solve an argument for us.
We're in a fight.
- Can you please Yes.
- Really? We just wanna see if this tiramisu will take a restaurant review from a "meh" to a "yeah".
You can say "no".
Oh, I won't turn down a tirami-susie.
(TED GIGGLES) - Thoughts? - So-so.
- So, so good.
- Ah, see! You heard it here first, YouTube! Oh, I don't want my face on YouTube.
- TED: No? But - Please, no.
Oh, no? But you're such a natural.
- No.
- TED: Look, you're like a young Elliott Gould.
What movie? (SPEAKING À LA SCHWARZENEGGER): The flavors are awesome.
The sponge, perfect.
I give it five fingers.
TED (OVER COMPUTER): Oh, five fingers! Heavens! Well, thank you! You heard it here first.
Until next time, this is Ted and Bill signing off.
We'll see you around the campus.
What campus? TED: Well? What do you think? Well, I think it's sort of unsettling, but maybe that's good.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING) And he's kind of hot.
TED: I wish he didn't use that voice.
BILL: Yeah, I'm not sure that's one's gonna win the Webby.
TED: Well, if you would've played along and tasted the cake, - it would've been totally cute.
- BILL: I'm tired.
Ooh, girl, my ass is dragging - BILL: It'll be fine.
- TED: Just let me find a lighter.
I just need to sterilize the pin.
- BILL: No, I can do it.
- TED: You can't even reach the cyst.
- BILL: Yes, I can.
- TED: You can't reach the cyst.
- BILL: Leave it alone.
Get back! - TED: Well, just breathe.
TED: If you don't hold still, it's gonna hurt worse BILL: That's way too much to pay for some fucking splash back.
TED: That's what they cost, and you're calling it a splash back, - and it's called a backsplash.
- BILL: Jesus Christ.
Will you please stop breathing down my neck for one fucking second? I'm not anywhere near your neck TED: They always have the neatest flower arrangements on the table, candles are lit for you.
Oh, and always try and sit in Geoffrey's section.
He is the most spectacular server.
- BILL: Jesus.
- TED: I'm sorry, what did you say, Bill? - BILL: Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
- TED: Yeah, you ruined a take.
- I heard you.
- BILL: Did I? Oh! Talk about Geoffrey some more.
TED: Oh, my God, you're exhausting.
Take a yoga class or something.
I mean, meditate, breathe.
Jesus TED: I just want us to constantly be evolving.
BILL: Evol Okay.
This is not about us evolving.
This is about all about you wanting to suck Geoffrey's dick.
TED: You know, I want to suck a lot of dicks before I die, Bill.
I don't wanna end up miserable like my parents.
Nah, kid.
That thingamajig.
It's a head massager.
Come here.
Come on.
It ain't like that.
Go ahead.
There you go.
All right.
Have a good one.
NOEL: You even gotta pay for a baby to be born.
Hospital won't let you leave unless you pay.
TARRY: Don't be stupid.
You can pay in installments.
Or on a credit card, so you could get points.
Or you could pay for it with points.
You can't pay for a baby with points.
TARRY: Give me that paper clip! OWLIVER: My brother was born in a parking lot.
TARRY: Yo, what the fuck! I almost had it.
- (DISTANT SIREN BLARING) - KIDS: Three four five six seven TARRY: Seven seconds.
(CLICKING) KIDS (SLOWLY): One two - three - Come on! Y'all are counting too slow! (KIDS LAUGHING) Shut up.
Seven seconds.
TARRY: Oh! He pissed himself! - He pissed himself.
- Damn.
- TARRY: Yo, man, it's okay.
- (KIDS LAUGHING) - TARRY: It's okay, it's okay.
- (SNIFFS) - Ugh! Uh, no, no, no.
No, you You go ahead.
Go ahead.
- (BABY CRYING) Mama's coming.
Hold on.
- Yo, I'm I'm sorry about the baby.
- No.
The sitter, uh, canceled on me at the last minute.
- It's good.
It's good, it's fine.
- All right.
She kind of looks like you.
- You think so? - Mm-hmm.
I always figured she must look like her daddy.
Who's her daddy? Donor X2X00752.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know, but they told me that, uh, he got a 1500 on his SATs, and that he was a cello prodigy, so clearly, she's gonna be a genius.
She's gonna be our nation's second black female president after Oprah.
(LAUGHS) MO: So, uh, what about Joey? - Seen some pictures on Facebook, yo.
- (LAUGHS) - He looked kind of - HAILEY: Fat.
What happened? - Diabetes.
- Diabetes.
Ooh! This is good.
I need all this gossip.
You know I'm a good four years behind ever since I had to block your whole damn fool family.
You want one of these? We should toast.
To what? To what? To your mama said you got a full ride - to the University of Chicago, that's what.
- Oh, stop.
It's not official, so I don't want to jinx it.
Pre-law, yes? - That's the plan.
- Yeah.
So that's what we'll toast to.
You representing my black ass in a court of law, ASAP.
(HAILEY CHUCKLES) Wait, no, actually, I don't I'm good.
- You sure? I got a beer in the fridge.
- Yeah.
I'm not supposed to, um, drink 24 hours before, so No.
No, you are not.
Good girl.
You're right.
You're right.
My bad.
Let's get the energy right up in here.
So, your appointment is at 10 tomorrow.
So we should definitely roll out by like, 9:30, at the latest.
That's bad luck.
- What's bad luck? - The, the white ones.
White lighters? Says who? Says everybody.
Bring it on.
(CHUCKLES) I ain't scared.
And you got to eat something.
My stomach is all like Yeah, that makes sense, too.
(SIGHS) (BLOWING) You smoke weed? - Sometimes.
- (MO LAUGHS) (MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) (BABY BABBLING) (BABY FUSSING) (BLOWING) SHEREE (OVER PHONE): Is Mo around? You want me to talk to her? - Um, no, I think she's - (BABY CRYING) like, getting the baby ready, or something, so How's her place? Is she (WHISPERS): drinking? - No.
- SHEREE: Okay, well Tell her I said, "Hey", and give her a hug.
I gotta run to work.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay.
- I'm sorry I'm not there.
- (CRYING CONTINUES) But you know what? We're doing the right thing.
Call me when it's done? - (DOOR OPENS) - SHEREE: I love you, baby.
Love you, too.
- (BABY CRYING) - MO: Okay, baby girl.
Come on.
All right.
Sondra is gonna be here any minute.
Would you please let her in so I can get ready? - Thank you.
I'll be right back.
- (FUSSING) - Whew! - (CRYING) MO: I know, sweet love.
Mama's right here.
Just a minute.
(GASPS) Shh HAILEY: She just went in there.
- (WAILING) - Hey.
HAILEY: Do you wanna cry? - BABY: Get down! - MO: I'm sorry, Hailey.
I'm almost done.
- Down! Down, down, down! - HAILEY: Down? - (DOOR OPENS) - MO: Is that Miss Sondra? SONDRA: It's me! I'm coming in! - MO: Hey, Miss Sondra! - Hey! - MO: I'll be right out! - SONDRA: What you all doing to this baby? - (CRYING) - SONDRA: Look at you.
What's wrong? MO: That's my cousin Hailey visiting from back home.
Hailey, that's Miss Sondra.
She's come to save us.
- Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS) - Thank you so much, Miss Sondra.
MO: We are fed, bathed, pooped, peed.
- She's good to go.
- SONDRA: Okay.
- MO: Lighter Thank you so much.
- (CRYING) - SONDRA: Say, "Bye, Mommy".
- Bye, baby girl.
(KISSING) I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Be good.
Don't cry.
SONDRA: Say "Bye-bye".
Wave bye-bye.
Hurry back, Mom.
Ooh, yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Sweatshirts, jackets, hats off.
Have your bags open.
Empty your pockets onto the table.
- Any weapons, knives, or mace? - MO: Nothing like that.
Okay, go on through.
GUARD: Go on through.
You don't have to, like, wait with me.
You can go do something else.
Girl, please.
We gonna get you checked in.
And then I was thinking I'd walk over to Junior's, and get us two big old hunks of the world's most fabulous cheesecake.
GUARD: Okay.
Do you have anything in your pockets? - (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - GUARD: All right, go on through.
WOMAN: Thank you, sir.
(DOOR CHIMES) She's winking at me.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, forever.
(LAUGHS) Let's go, baby.
You got a light? - Mm-hmm.
Shit is tight.
Thanks, man.
WOMAN: I feel the whole world turning on trouble and pain (ACCORDION PLAYING) Enough to drive a girl insane And there ain't no guarantee You and me ain't gonna wake up dead Did you hear me when I said I need my medicine, baby? (ACCORDION PLAYING) I need my medicine man My medicine man! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - Thank you.
(PLAYING SOFT, SLOW MELODY) If God had a name What would it be? And would you call it to his face If you were faced with him in all his glory? What would you ask if you had just one question? And, yeah, yeah - (LIGHTER CLICKING) - God is great And, yeah, yeah God is good Yeah, yeah, yeah What if God was one of us (SONG FADES): Just a slob like one of us (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) I hope that's okay for humans.
You just got some new heat.
MAN: Walkin' round here wearing ball shoes, you don't even play.
You know, I picked up your mama wearing flip flops.
Why don't you come over? We're having a party.
- (LAUGHING) - (COUGHING) Do you want some of this? No, thank you.
I'm not a teenager.
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