High School USA! (2013) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Allright, gang.
The SATs are right around the corner.
- ( groans ) - But before we take those SATs, we need to take the practice SATs.
- Oh! - But before we take the practice SATs, we need to take the rehearsal practice SATs.
And gang, it's no secret how stressful these tests can be.
So let's prepare for all that anxiety.
Now do this with me.
Tighten up those necks and shoulders.
- ( students grunting ) - Good.
Now start nervously shading in those circles.
( gasps ) - ( gulps ) - Mmm.
Hey, Amber.
Is that an appetite suppressant? - They look delicious.
- No.
It's Adderall.
- Really? - It helps me concentrate.
My parents have had me on it since I was a baby who couldn't concentrate on not crying.
- Nifty.
- Uh-oh.
Your mind's going blank.
You're no good.
Your future's bleak.
You got nothing.
Nothing! well I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School USA these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School USA High School USA! 01x03 - Adderall - ( bell rings ) - Hey, Brad.
How do you think you did on the rehearsal practice SATs? I did awesome.
I sat next to the brainy nerdy girl and copied all of her nervous ticks.
- ( groans ) - What about you, Blackstein? Terrible.
I was way too concerned about being worried to even focus on being nervous.
You better shape up, or you're never getting into college.
How, gang.
Is anyone in the mood for some maize? Where have you been, Cassandra? You missed the rehearsal practice test.
I don't need to worry about learning anymore.
- How do you figure that? - I just found out I'm one-fifth Cherokee Indian.
And if you're Native American, colleges have to take you.
It's the law.
But aren't you like 100% Chinese? Oh, Brad.
That's just on my parents' side.
You're so lucky.
Why weren't my people slaughtered? Oh man.
If I don't get into college, I'm gonna end up dead like my Uncle Jack who never went to college and died of old age.
Well, if you can't get good grades, Blackstein, maybe you can make up for it with extracurriculars.
Take me for instance.
I'm in the singing club, the humming club, the foot tapping club, - You name it! - Yeah.
We're all in like 100 clubs each.
How many clubs are you in? - None.
- ( all gasp ) - What? - Zero clubs? - Oh my.
- No.
What am I gonna do? Poor Blackstein.
He's doing that thing again where he mindlessly gazes off at nothing in particular.
Hey, what are you looking at? Are you gay or something? Because if you are, you should really think about joining my club.
The gay club.
Call me sometime if you want to talk about how gay you really are.
But I don't have your number.
- Just texted you.
- ( phone dings ) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I cannot believe Nico Ninja just talked to you! Oh, he's the biggest fashionably awesome guy at High School USA.
This is great.
I'm college bound.
There's just one problem, Blackstein.
- What? - You're not gay.
Well, not yet, I'm not.
But how hard can it be? Mom, what happened to my white dress shirt? You know how we feel about separating colors in this house, Lamort.
Go wash up for dinner.
Your mother barbecued some lox and gefilted some chitlins.
Sorry, dad.
I have a date.
Shouldn't you be studying instead of hanging out - With some girl? - Actually, dad, I'm going out with a boy.
And he's asking me to be in the gay club.
The gay club? Isn't that a gay club? - Yep.
- ( crying ) So proud of you.
You're gonna have every college in town fighting over you.
Hello, Ivy League USA.
Take my gayest credit card.
Thank you.
( slashing ) Mm.
This frozen sushi is so good.
I wish I could eat it with my butt.
That's how gay I am.
I thought I had my finger on all the sexual preferences of the kids in High School USA, but I didn't know you were one of us.
But I am.
See, I can't help but say "butt.
" Yeah, and you do have that pink shirt on which is really cute, by the way.
Where'd you get it? Integration Nation - on Main Street? - I love that store.
Hey, what are you looking at? Oh, just that girl's style.
Well, that is pretty gay.
But it looked to me like you were checking out her dirty baby feeders.
No way.
Boobs are the grossest.
Well, all right.
But you'd better not be lying to me.
- 'Cause if you're not gay - ( knuckles crack ) I'm gonna kill you.
Guys, you've got to help me.
Nico says if I don't stop looking at girls, he's gonna kill me.
Um, sounds like you just need to concentrate harder on being gay? Amber! Why don't you give Blackstein some of your Adderall? That would help him focus.
Not a chance.
Adderall? You take pills to help you be gay, Amber? No, you idiot.
It helps me focus on school things.
This is all I have left, And I need them if I want to get into college.
Come on, Amber.
You gotta help him.
He's one of the gang, remember? ( groans ) Okay, fine.
But just this one.
( gulps ) Mmm.
So how long does it take this Adderall to work? Oh! Homosexuality, here I come.
I thought Blackstein was just some straight idiot, but I guess he's been gay all along.
I know.
He's so dreamy now that he's gay.
I wish he was straight so his gay penis could penetrate me.
( banging ) Who does he think he is, prancing around with all those gay guys? - Dressed so well.
- I know.
You did a really nice thing for Blackstein.
You should feel really good about yourself.
Well, I don't.
Explain that, Marsh.
Now I have to go study.
Some of us have to actually work hard to get into college.
Tell me about it.
Did you know how hard it is to actually scalp someone? It's not like it is in the movies.
You really bent over frontwards to prove yourself last night.
So, good news.
We're gonna make you a member of the gay club.
This is awesome.
I can't wait to tell my parents.
Be at "Dante's Leather Gear and Waxing Boutique" tonight for the initiation.
And wear your smallest socks.
Hey, those girls aren't dressed fashionably.
Why are you looking at them? I was just noticing how bland their outfits are.
It's like watching a train wreck.
But from now on, the only train wrecks I want you watching are the ones where hundreds of innocent people die.
See you at eight.
Don't be late.
- ( doorbell rings ) - Hey, Mrs.
- Is Amber home? - Yeah.
I'm on the phone with her right now.
- Want to talk to her? - Oh, no, I'll just go upstairs and see her in person.
So old school.
While you're at it, why don't you go pick up some vinyl records and read a newspaper? J.
Rowling! J.
( laughs ) Anyway, I was thinking we should get matching tattoos.
That sounds a little holocausty, mom, But I like it! Ugh, got to go.
Blackstein's here.
I thought you'd be with your boyfriends, gaying your way into Harvard by now.
Amber, I need more Adderall stat.
Too bad, Blackstein.
I only have one left, and I need it to focus on tomorrow's test.
And frankly, I have very mixed emotions about helping you out at my own expense.
But tonight I'm supposed to be initiated into the gay club.
I'm sorry, Blackstein.
You're just going to have to cram.
That works for studying and gay sex.
- ( bell dings ) - Hey, Blackstein.
Hold up.
I heard you talking to my sister.
I got a shit ton of Adderall.
Really? How? I thought they were impossible to get? Well, I can't take mine because I can't drink when I'm on it.
Yeah, I can see that.
So every time my mom gives me one, I just hide it under my tongue.
See? - Aah.
- Uh, gross.
Why don't you just swallow them then fish them out of your B.
later? ( sighs ) So do you want to buy it or not? Mm-hmm.
- ( spits ) - ( gulps ) ( siren wailing ) Sorry, son.
Buying pills from a minor is a felony.
But I needed those pills to get me into the cool gay club.
Boy oh boy.
When I was your age, there was nothing cool - about being gay.
- Really? ( chuckles ) You betcha.
Gay used to be something you felt in your front or in your back.
And it felt right and wrong at the same time.
And you bet your gay ass we were embarrassed as hell about it the next day.
I guess being gay isn't all wry quips and singing.
Oh, it's that too.
If you're man enough to be that gay.
But I'll tell you what gay isn't.
Something you just fake to be cool and to get into college.
Officer Dumphy? The gang is here.
- Thanks, hot cop.
- Hey, Blackstein.
We pooled together all of our parents' credit cards to - bail you out.
- Thanks, gang.
And thanks for setting me straight, Officer Dumphy.
- Hey, Nico.
- There you are.
Now get up here and get on your knees.
We'll do you first.
Good luck, Blackstein.
We're gonna go now because we don't want to see this.
No, guys.
I want you to see this.
Lamort Blackstein, I hereby initiate you into the gay club.
Wait, Nico.
I have something to tell you.
Me too, baby.
- You do? - I have full blown balloons for your after party! I'm sorry, but those won't be necessary.
I'm not gay.
Oh my God.
Why is he doing what he's doing? That moron's throwing away his future.
Quiet, guys.
I have a sneaking suspicion we're about to be really proud of what Blackstein's about to say.
Nico, I finally realized that pretending to be gay disrespects all of you gay guys.
And all your gay parents, and all your gay parents' gay parents.
Just posing as a gay guy trivializes your entire gay ancestry, and all of their gay suffering.
( scoffs ) Gay suffering? Try sleeping under a smallpox blanket.
( coughs ) Cover your mouth, Cassandra.
Your breath smells like a casino.
The truth is, I really like boobs a lot.
That's just who I am.
All right, for being honest, last night, deep down inside me, you felt not gay.
And when our lips met, I knew that the only thing you were really kissing was college goodbye.
Well, gang.
If I can't get into college then I guess I'll just have to skip it and go right to being a doctor.
Well, Blackstein may not be gay But he is an idiot.
Our idiot.
Guys I think the peyote's kicking in.
Hello, goodbye.
Sync & corr by blue150683