High School USA! (2013) s01e04 Episode Script


1 High School USA! 01x04 - Heroes I have a very special algebra assignment for you today.
Next Monday, I want you to bring in your own personal hero and interview him in class.
Uh, what does this have to do with algebra? Good question.
You're already thinking! You see, everybody? That's what algebra's about! Thinking.
All right, short class today! Get those brains working out in the real world, people! Today only! Viva La Life! Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
These are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
Now let us say grace.
Dear Donna, thank you for providing a roof over our heads and food on our table and always paying your alimony and child support on time.
You were a good wife, Donna way too good for me.
I hope your new husband and son is making you happy.
Amen! Hey, dad, why do we always pray to mom before we eat? C'mon, son, I don't want to have sacrilege at the table.
- Yes sir.
- So how was school today, Marsh? Well, we got a new algebra assignment.
I need to interview my own personal hero.
And, dad, you're my hero.
Oh, Marsh, don't embarrass yourself.
I'm no hero.
Now your step-dad Anson, that guy's a hero.
Oh okay, I guess I'll just have to find someone else.
That's the spirit, Marsh! Hey, gang! Who'd you pick to be your hero - for the algebra assignment? - I chose my dad.
He's really smart, so I'll obviously get an A+.
I also picked my dad.
Is it weird that my hero's - my best friend's husband? - I had two dads to choose from so I picked the one that didn't abandon me.
Boy, you guys are sure lucky.
I thought my dad was my hero, but he told me he wasn't.
Uh, Marsh, that's so sad.
Now you'll get an "F".
Looks like you and me are going to be F-buddies! Why would you get an "F", Brad? Aren't you interviewing your dad like the rest of us? Yeah! What gives? Is your dad dead or something? Quite the opposite.
My dad's that stupid jerk on TV who ate nothing but candy and that made him sick and then he lost all that weight and then he started looking really great and having sex with lots of women and making more money.
I haven't seen him since he left me and my mom.
Oh my God, Garret Philanders?! The candy diet guru is your dad? I'm his biggest fan! And it looks like he's going to be doing a panel - at Diet-con this weekend.
- What's a diet con? It's a huge convention where dieters from all over the country meet, share their passion for not eating and even procreate to make little baby dieters! Brad, you've just got to come with me to Diet-con and introduce me to your dad! - Absolutely not! - Please please please please please.
Thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks.
I've never seen one of those in person before! That ice cream cone? It looks like it's made of rubber.
It is.
It's e-food.
When you bite it, the light lights up and that lets you know you're tasting it.
- Hey, can you taste it? - I must be.
The light's on! Oh, Brad, look.
Those guys are dressed up protein-style.
- Hey, guys, great stume! - Thank you! That's what us dieters call a costume.
It's like the word lost weight.
Looks like my dad's panel is in room A3.
Let's get this over with.
Well-balanced meals? Yeah, if you're a caveman maybe with a cavemetabolism.
But we have evolved.
Hi, I'm Garret Philanders.
16 years ago I was a fat slob.
Then in a bulk candy-eating binge, I got incredibly sick and lost hundreds of pounds.
And now I've slept with and left tons of women.
Don't believe me? Here are the sex videos and affidavits to prove it.
- Yeah! - All we need is candy! Candy corn, candy canes, cotton candy.
Think it, live it, eat it! Candy candy candy! Questions!? Go! - What if I like starch? - Candied yams! Next! What kind of movies can I watch on this diet? "Uncle Buck" with John Candy.
Next! - I like musicals.
- "Candide" by Leonard Bernstein.
Next! Brad, you must be really nervous.
Yeah, I guess so.
I wouldn't want to be standing next to me either, knowing that I'm about to meet my hero for the first time.
That's a lot of pressure on you.
Come on, move it! Move it! - Coming through! - Watch it! Out of my way! - Hey, no cutters! - I'm not cutting.
This is my idiot son! Hey, mom, what are you doing here? You don't diet, you're fat.
I'm here to remind your beautiful father - that he used to love me for 12 minutes.
- That's a great idea, mom! I know, stupid! Now shut up and stick with me.
I might be able to use you as emotional blackmail! - Next.
- Hi, Garret.
My name is Gert Slovee and this is our son.
- Get up here! - Hey, dad.
I'm Brad.
Oh, one of you.
Here ya go, buddy.
They're pre-signed.
"Dear son, thanks for letting me sleep with your mom before you were alive.
" - Cool! - Hey, what about you, kid? - You one of my sons too? - Oh, no way! You've got a lot of those, but you only got one number-one fan.
I've read all your books, all your blogs, all your billboards.
I even have a complete collection - of all your real teeth.
- Wow, you really are a fan.
How'd you afford all of those? Well, since none of my child support goes to eating, we have a lot of money left over for important things, - like buying your rotting teeth.
- So let me get this straight: Your mom and your dad aren't together anymore? - No sir.
- Well, if you ever think of a reason I should come over to your house, here's my card.
Really? Because I have a reason right now! So how was Diet-con, Brad? Uh, other than seeing my dad, it was actually pretty cool.
I learned that I get to eat anything I want, whenever I want, as long as I'm wearing my no-fill-actic.
Oh, sounds sexy! How does it work? Simple.
Watch! See? It's just as if I ate a burger, isn't it? But you did eat the burger.
You just think I did, you stupid moron.
See? - That is so cool! - Wait a sec, where's Marsh? He loves to talk about ways to not eat food.
He's with my dad right now, interviewing him for that ridiculous algebra assignment.
It's so cool that your deadbeat dad is Marsh's hero.
- But he's not a hero! - Come on, Brad, don't be jealous.
Yeah, just because he was bad to you doesn't mean he's a bad guy.
Oh yeah? Well, I am a bad guy.
Where do you think I got it from genetically? Ow! Yeah, I guess he's got a point.
I know him better than you guys, 'cause he was never around when I was a kid.
And that's why I know he's not going to show up at school tomorrow for Marsh.
Oh my God, that means Marsh is gonna get an "F".
They say eating nothing but candy is counter-intuitive.
I say screw-tuitive.
Halloween is the new Thanksgiving.
- Are you getting all this down? - Uh-huh.
" Hey, when is your mom getting home to this house? My dad says never.
Did I hear someone talking about me in here? Oh hi, dad! I was just saying how mom's never coming home.
Would you if you were living with that Anson guy? Hey, speaking of Anson, who's this handsome fellow? This is my hero! Garret Philanders.
It is a pleasure to meet you, sir.
You have no idea how much pressure you've just taken off of me.
You live with your dad? You told me that you live off of child support.
And my mom pays it every month right on time! - Doesn't she, dad? - Bless her heart.
We'd be lost without that woman.
Um, yeah.
Well, I got to go.
I just remembered I've got an urgent appointment with my dialysis machine.
Don't forget you got to be at High School U.
tomorrow at 9:00 A.
sharp! Yeah yeah, see ya when I see ya.
Whoa, I can tell why that guy's your hero.
Good job, Marsh.
Can you believe he sacrificed his whole body to being skinny? Now I gotta sort through all these notes for tomorrow.
Candy, candy, candy, candy.
Hiya, gang! You want to go talk to Marsh? Actually, we think it's better if we talk to you.
- Uh, how's Marsh doing? - Couldn't be better! Picked a top-shelf hero for his report if you ask me.
This might be hard to believe, but my dad's even worse than you, Mr.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Don't you talk that way about my son's hero.
You need to man up and show up tomorrow, because my dad is not going to.
I'm sorry, guys, but me being there is so not me.
You cannot let Marsh get an "F".
Well, there I was staring death in the face.
But I didn't flinch! I just reached into my pocket, pulled out my checkbook and paid for that choice grave plot by the oak tree.
Oh my God, your dad is so old.
Uck, I know.
He's so gross! Okay.
Now let's get to the main attraction.
Marsh's hero! Apparently it's someone we're all going to recognize from the TV.
- So where is he, Marsh? - He'll be here any minute.
I promise.
- No he won't! - Yes, he will.
He'll be here.
We have a special connection.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm not just some son of his.
I'm his number-one fan! I hate to break it to you, Marsh, but he's live sex-tweeting as we speak from what looks like a pretty gross motel room.
Let me just say, he's doing some predictable things with a single mom and some pop rocks.
Ooh, I see.
Not much of hero, is he? Sorry, Marsh, but that's an "F" for failure.
Not so fast, Mr.
Structor, Marsh's hero did show up today.
And it's his stepdad Anson! Heh-hey! Dad, Anson's not my hero.
Look, I got caught up in this whole idea of hanging out with a celebrity.
But my real hero's been right in front of me the whole time.
The gang.
Get up here, Brad, Amber, Cassandra! Even you Blackstein! You guys pulled me back from the brink of an A- average, especially you, Brad.
You stood by me even though it was causing you immense emotional pain.
Structor, if I've learned anything from this algebra assignment, it's that my friends are my real heroes.
Way to go, Marsh.
That was a real buzzer beater.
You get an "A.
" What!? That's crazy! I don't know what Marsh is talking about.
You're the real hero, Anson.
The dumb kid just blew an easy "A.
" Hey, can I get your autograph? How's Donna, you stud? blue150683