Hit the Road (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Jammin'
1 Family Jam celebrates its fourth annual festival as America's premier event for families and family values, with rides, shows, food, and craft vendors and family-friendly concerts in a beautiful park setting.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
People of (laughs) all faiths welcome.
Yeah, I bet.
I'm sure the halal and kosher food stands are all the rage.
I'm telling you, this festival is going to be great for us.
(Sniffs) Marcus Gaynor runs the whole thing now.
Marcus Gaynor? Isn't he that road manager for the punk band in the '90s? Mom's Fake Titties.
Mom's Fake Titties, that's right.
He's a whole different man now.
I'm telling you, we are going to be perfect for this vibe.
Oh, definitely.
"America's Finest Family Man".
Oh, my God, Casey! Stop rolling around the fucking bus on those things! If I can master Heelys on a moving bus, I'll be able to zoom around Family Jam like a pro.
I hope to God Dad has to stop short and cannonballs your ass out the front window! (Scoffs) Oh, my God.
Were you just checking out my ass?! Not unless your ass is incorporated into "Candy Crush".
You're fucking perving on me! Are you high? I'm laying here.
Jermaine, tell her.
Jermaine, Jermaine, tell me, he was perving on me! Jermaine, tell her! Stop putting Jermaine in the middle of your stupid fights! It's not a stupid fight.
Your brother is a pervert! - I am not a pervert! - Ow! Don't push me! - Ow! - KEN: Alex, stop being a pervert! Ria, stop calling your brother a pervert! - RIA: Me? - And, Casey, get off of those goddamn things before you crack your head open! See, this is why I'm happy we're going to Family Jam.
Maybe being around some decent families that actually get along with each other - Oh, fuck off! - No one cares, Casey.
You know, I am fucking changing because you are a fucking pervert! Give it a rest! - CASEY: Oh, yeah, I'm a ho? - ALEX: Uh-huh, ho! God, these bitches will bury me.
(Sighs) (Brakes hiss) (Door creaks) Kenny! Meg! Marcus! Or it is Reverend Gaynor now? Aw, no, it's just Marcus.
Same as always.
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
This guy was quite the hellraiser back in the day.
Oh, you had a band called Mom's Fake Titties! Oh ho! All behind me.
Why don't you kids go enjoy the park while I orientate your folks? - Sweet.
- Wow.
They seem like wonderful kids.
Yeah, they sure do seem that way.
Come on, let me show you around.
- Great to see you.
- Looking good, brother.
Well! So, this is the park stage, huh? Yeah, this is the big one.
Well, I'll get the crowd rocking for you, buddy.
- That's for sure.
- (Laughs) Actually, we had to make a few adjustments since we last spoke, but we're going to get you all set up over on the other stage.
The other stage? Well.
Doesn't even have a name.
Don't let that fool you.
It is a hot spot.
We hold the pig races there.
You want us to play for pigs? (Laughing) Of course not, Meg.
I want you to play for the people who come to see the pigs.
- This is bullshit.
- Honey, relax for a second.
It is kind of bullshit, though.
- Total bullshit.
- It's total bullshit.
We agreed on the park stage.
I'm real sorry, Kenny, but my hands are tied.
I need a big crowd on the park stage to cover costs.
I got to prioritize acts with a following.
You know, a social media presence and stuff.
Like who? Well, they're back at my office, and I believe you actually know them.
Oh, fuck me.
- Meg.
- Dana.
- Ken.
- Dan.
- Ken.
- Dana.
- Meg.
- Dan.
- Dana.
- Don't do me, moron! Sorry.
What's with the, uh, fake military fatigues? They aren't fake.
We enlisted after 9/11.
Never forget.
I took a bullet protecting your freedom.
Yeah, well, I recycle.
We all chip in.
You guys coming to our show? Seats fill up fast when they know they're seeing real heroes.
Oh, you're a real hero for sleeping with this dipshit.
- Two up! - Just one, babe.
It's kind of low-hanging fruit.
Good news.
We got some great new songs for you to steal.
- Oh, yeah? - We didn't steal your stupid song! We covered it.
"Take The Love" was going to be a breakout country hit for us, and you guys deep-sixed it when you made a lame-ass play for the gospel market.
We were just expanding our fan base.
And it was a much better version than your two-banjo bullshit duet.
(Imitates playing banjos) Marcus, are you really gonna put these two assholes thank you for your service on the park stage? Well, the situation is fluid, but they've got quite a following.
Nearly 4,000 likes on their Bandzone page.
Suck on that.
- Oh, yeah? Suck on this! - Okay.
It's about talent and ability.
Who cares about likes? I measure almost completely by likes.
Plus, we got a billboard outside.
Oh, ho ho.
You put a billboard for the people already in the festival? How stupid is that? You idiots! It's a billboard for our fan page.
It's driven up our web traffic 30%.
(Both vocalize) - They're so smart.
- Smart as shit, God damn it.
God damn it.
(Scoffs) Finally, a food booth.
I was starting to think these people survived on self-righteousness.
Yes! Uh, how much for four burgers? What do you have to trade? They don't accept money.
Family Jam works off of a barter system, like Burning Man.
Am I the only one who read the brochure? What about this? You have to stop offering people weed everywhere we go.
This is an illegal state, dumbass.
Weed's legal everywhere.
What did you just say? Weed is legal everywhere.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No, I'm fucking not.
I can't.
I literally can't.
- You are so fucking dumb.
- I'm so fucking right.
You so are.
Jermaine, tell him he's being an ass.
- N-No, I wasn't.
- Stop fighting! We are at Family Jam, where people are supposed to be good and wholesome! Why can't we just get along? Hey, you don't happen to have any Oxy, do ya? I suppose that's illegal, too? MEG: Grandma's hairy balls! The Dan and Dana fan page has 2,000 likes! It's okay, it's okay.
Swallow is a much newer band, but we can catch up.
How many likes do we have on our page? One me from when I tested it.
That's a buttload of catching up to do.
No, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We got this.
We got two days to zazz up the website and get a couple of thousand fans.
That's impossible.
Alright, you want to be singing for the pigs? You want to sing for the pigs? Let's go.
Suit up and start zazzing.
Start zazzing.
- Suit it up, suit it up.
- MEG: Okay.
Whatever I throw you, put it on.
It doesn't matter, they're all the same.
Let's go! I'm first in the bathroom.
Okay.
- Going to start clicking.
- MEG: Oh, no.
So, think family, think wholesome, think American, think Swallow! (Camera whining) (Camera shutter clicking) I like it! It's got great energy, huh? Everybody looks good.
Are you sure Ria's not showing too much of the merchandise? You want hits, you do tits.
Have you guys been living under a rock? Wait a minute.
God damn it, Alex! What? What did I do? You're staring at my boobs! What? Where? What do you mean, "Where"?! Look at his eyes, look at my boobs.
- You are disgusting! - I was smoldering.
You can't smolder and look at the camera.
You have to look off to the side.
- Who told you to smolder? - You are such a pig! Well, have fun playing for me at the Family Ham Jam! All right, all right, everybody, knock it off.
It's the best shot.
We're going to go with it.
- Dad! - Ken! I'll upload it.
All right, just let Jermaine handle it.
- What, what? Why me? - You don't trust me? I think of you like Russia "trust, but verify".
Are we seriously going to post that photo? It's creepy! You know what? Why don't I just go into porn?! Let's not get crazy.
No one's going into porn.
You can't go into porn.
You're not nice enough.
Oh, you know about porn, pervert! Can everyone stop yelling "Porn" everywhere?! Stop fighting! This is stupid, damn Family Jam! All right, happy? Happy? Ow! Ria, stop! Ow! (Calliope music plays) Uh! Oh! Okay Oh.
Hi.
I'm Casey Swallow.
(European accent): Tell me what you seek, child.
Nothing.
I just wandered in, and I don't know why I'm here.
Of course you know.
You were drawn here for a reason.
Tell me what is it that troubles you? Well, my family just can't get along.
Mm.
They fight all the time even here.
Ohhh.
Strife in the home.
A serious problem if left unresolved.
But I may have something for you.
Okay? Atriangle? The sonic vibrations of this ancient instrument will target and destroy the negative energy surrounding your family.
Invoke the tones and create harmony.
That's exactly what I need.
It's such a shame this society rejects this sort of ancient wisdom.
But what can I trade for it? (Clang) (Clanging) KEN: Wow, Alex, great job! Yeah, I did most of it.
I got distracted by a double rainbow.
No, it's actually just a sticker that Casey put on the window.
Yeah, but if you squint at the right angle, it looks unbelievably real.
Hey, what's going on there? Oh, it looks like we got a bunch of new likes! ALEX: Some are redirects.
For 20 bucks, Jermaine bought a Russian-made cyberbot that reroutes people on other fan pages to our page.
Yeah.
I feel so dirty.
Well, it looks fantastic! We gon' get the park stage, y'all! Whoo! Oh, my God.
I just had the most amazing idea.
We open with "Take The Love".
The song they accused us of stealing? That is so sick, it's brilliant! Kenny! Oh, my God.
I can't wait to shove it in their big, fat patriotic faces.
Right, right? With the gospel feel and the Family Jam, this whole bullshit vibe.
Yeah, you're a genius.
Oh, Marcus is going to eat this up like a Communion wafer.
Wait a minute.
What the hell's going on? JERMAINE: They're all commenting on our new picture.
CASEY: You know, it kind of looks like you're staring at Ria.
Well, I'm not, and no one's going to notice anyway.
What are these comments? Um, it says, "It looks like the son is staring at the sister's tits.
" - "This family is sick.
" - Shit! Now people are going to think I'm encouraging this.
I'm tainted I am fucking tainted, 'cause you can't control your staring.
Smoldering.
They're saying we're disgusting.
We're not disgusting.
Tell them we're not disgusting.
(Warbling) (Cuckoo) - Oh, my God! - Aaaah! What the fuck did you do, Ria?! Do you honestly think that those are my tits? Well, how the hell would I know?! - You have fucking eyes, Dad.
- CASEY: Yeah.
- Don't look! - Oh, my God! - Alex, delete this.
- I'm trying! All of our fans are going to be seeing this bullshit! They're going to think this bus is a rolling den of perversion! No, it's obviously Dan and Dana, those pricks.
Oh, this is nuts, man.
This is out of control.
All right, Jermaine, hack their mainframe or something.
Just mess their shit up.
I don't know how to do that.
Well, Alex, you do it.
Alex! No one thinks this looks like a double rainbow? Why is everyone in our family friggin' incompetent?! (Clanging) Casey, unless you're calling us to dinner, would you knock it the fuck off?! Alex, Jermaine, I want this website clean.
I don't care if it takes all day.
Ken, we both know it's those camouflage dickheads.
We have to nail their asses.
Well, I'm open to suggestions.
We wait for darkness.
I mean, they can fight their propaganda war.
We are taking this shit to the front lines.
(Keyboard clacks) (British accent): Mr.
Swallow, I had no idea you were such a great artiste.
(British accent): Well, thank you.
Thank you very, very much.
If I may ask, what is that object behind the female subject? That is my rendering of a donkey - (Gasps) - with a rather formidable erection.
Rendered in the Cubist approach, I see.
Hm.
Not intentionally, I just had no idea what the hell I was doing up there.
Nevertheless, I deem it a masterpiece.
And I'm sure the world will agree come tomorrow morning.
I just hope that Dana and Dan agree.
Well, if not BOTH: They can blow me! (Both laugh snootily) (Keyboard clicking) ALEX: Jermaine, you're still doing that? You want me to take over for a while? - What was that? - Nothing.
No, that was something.
Oh, my God, I knew you were a little freak but this is next-level.
Man, I was deleting it.
I-I just paused for a second because I got something in my eye.
I'm not judgin'.
Nothing wrong with being a freak.
Hey, J, why don't you wait outside for a second? - Why? - No reason.
Everything's cool.
Just wait outside for, like, a minute.
Yeah, like like 10 minutes.
Man.
Hey.
What you doing out here? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Just Just admiring this lovely day.
That's all.
It's a shitstorm.
Yeah.
Come on in.
We got bagels.
No, no, you can't go in there.
Why? Um, Alex is having a little bit of private time.
Screw him.
I need my phone.
- I have to check my messages.
- You got messages? D-Don't go in there! Great.
(Inhales deeply) (Fabric rustling rapidly) Hey, have you seen my phone? - Ohhh! - Oh, what the fuck are you doing?! - Uh, nothing! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - U-U-Uh - L-L Hear me out.
- Stay away from me! Ow! Actually, it wasn't It wasn't you.
I-I scrolled up so your head was cut off.
- I was just admiring the features.
- (Clanging) I cannot be on this bus with you! - No, no, I - Peace, peace! They weren't even your boobs.
Plus, Jermaine was supposed to delete them, and he didn't.
- What?! - No, he lies! He is a lia I was deleting pictures.
I was deleting, like a fiend.
Oh, is that part of the thrill for you making him keep watch while you do that?! I'm serious! Tell her, Jermaine! - Peace, please! Peace, please! - He's a nasty boy! - Yes, he is! - No, they weren't your boobs! - He's a nasty boy! - I'm not a nasty boy! - It wasn't you! - I am so disgusted! Whooooooa! I can hear you halfway across the Family Jam! What are you yelling about? Either this pervert goes or I go.
It is not safe to be a normal person on this bus! What are you talking about? - She's crazy.
It wasn't even her boobs.
- What?! Why isn't this working?! Is our family this messed up?! Her boobs?! - Mom, I feel so violated right now.
- (Clanging) All right, all right! Whoa! Chill it, chill it! Chill it out, guys! Come on! It's going to be a great day, okay? The sun's going to come out, it's going to dry up.
Mom and I are about to go talk to Marcus.
I think you're about to find the universe is going to shift in our favor, okay? So, shut it up, shut it down.
- Tuck it in.
- Oh, Alex! - Here we go.
- Gross! Let's go talk to Marcus, honey.
Ow! (Imitating banjo music) Dan.
Dana.
Ken.
Meg.
- Dana.
Dan.
- Meg.
Ken.
Marcus! Have you checked out our page recently? We racked up quite a few likes of late.
I think we're hovering around 10,000.
Sorry.
I haven't seen it yet.
Been putting out some fires this morning.
Someone defaced Dan and Dana's billboard last night.
Oh! That's terrible.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? Of course not.
It's just so sad to be shamed so publicly.
Not really.
The festival's actually rallied around us.
Our followers jumped up another 25%.
And many of those people are planning on coming to the show.
That's some serious park stage fan support.
It's true I just don't see how you guys will be able to compete with numbers like that.
Well, don't make any decisions yet, Marcus.
The snow's not until tomorrow, and anything can happen.
DAN: Forget it, Swallow.
We have the sympathies of the crowd, and nothing can top that.
Nothing.
Nothing.
- Ohh.
- That's good.
- So good.
- They worked that shit out.
We gotta get something.
Nothing.
What do we We got nothing.
Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh.
Ohhh, yeah.
(Spray paint cans rattle) (Cans hissing) (Vehicle door closes, car alarm chirps) - (Gasps) - (Dog barks in distance) KEN: Go, go, go! Run, run, run, run! (Calliope music plays) This doesn't work.
I'd like to trade it for my shoes back, please.
You're not spiritual, are you? I bet you're not from some cool foreign country.
(Jersey accent): I'm from New Jersey.
I happen to be gloriously tan.
But I will tell ya this.
If all the gossip going around about your family is true, all the triangles in the world wouldn't fix that.
Now scram! You're befouling my mystic vibe.
Get.
Get out! Bye bye! You wanted to see us, Marcus? Have a seat, guys.
So, you heard about our bus, huh? Horrible what those people did.
I tell ya, objectively, it's worse than what happened to Dan and Dana's billboard, I'd say.
- Mm.
- It is about that.
You know that there are security cameras everywhere.
I was not aware of that, actually.
Meg? No.
No.
Do hope there are photos of the incident? There are.
Mm.
Mm.
- Huh.
- Watching it like this, it's like being violated all over again.
Yeah, it's traumatic.
It's not a very good-quality picture, though.
No, which is why some people think that you are the victims of a disgusting crime.
Which we are.
But other people think that it is clearly the two of you in the photos.
Why would we do that? Well, there are a number of theories.
The most popular right now is that you desecrated your bus and Dan and Dana's billboard in a desperate display of jealousy and a total lack of character, because they are performing on the park stage.
(Scoffs) Marcus, you know us.
W-We're good, God-fearing people.
As the Bible says, do unto others, that which once done does more than thou shalt do.
Praise be.
You're playing for the pigs.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that seems fair.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
(Banjos tuning) Hey, there, losers.
Shouldn't you be playing for the pigs? We're not playing for the pigs.
We're playing for the people who are coming to see the pigs.
DAN: Oh, too bad.
The pigs might actually enjoy your music.
Nice one, babe.
P.
S.
if you were in the military, you'd know how to disable security cams.
Oh, well.
We're on in 10.
Oh, by the way, Dana and I made a little contribution to your bus decorations.
(Dana and Dan snorting) (Chuckling) Oh, I get it.
it's funny.
Because you're being pigs.
Now! DANA: Open this damn door! Come on, let's go, Marcus needs a headliner.
- (Pounding) - Huh.
Mm! DAN: We will end you! Oh, not today, motherfuckers.
Not today! (Laughs) (Humming) All right.
That's it.
I'm calling it.
BOTH: Oh! I don't know where these jerks are, but someone's got to go on.
If I literally had any other option Now, listen.
A good portion of this crowd already thinks you're creepy.
Start with something great.
I don't think it's going to be a problem.
I think our opener is going to "Family Jam" us right into your sweet spot.
- (Laughs) - Good.
- (Pounding) - DAN: Stand back.
DANA: Open the door! - DAN: Oh, God! - DANA: I have to do everything myself! DAN: Oh, my God! I put out my ankle and my toes.
DANA: You are so fucking a loser! Why did I ever marry you? ANNOUNCER: Okay! Family Jam! Please welcome to the fun Swallows! (Applause) Thank you! Hello! We are Swallow! We know you've been expecting Dan and Dana, and some pretty vicious rumors have been spread about us.
That's true, but you know what? I think this first number will tell all of you who we really are.
(Pounding, Dana shouting) (Intro plays) On your knees See the Holy Father's glory I see His glory Open wide Your arms and let Him in I'll take Him in On Thy back Take His heavy load and bear it Take His load Take the love - To your heart - Oh, fill me to the brim The long rod Of Heaven is upon you I can hold it The sweet shaft Of glory when it come Oh, let it come The bastards are playing our song.
No prisoners.
Will take you, child From bountiful to bum Not the bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum On your knees - See the Holy Father's glory - Just go to sleep.
Open wide (Voices fade) Your arms and let Him in On Thy Back Take His load Take the love Oh, fill me to the brim The long rod Yes, I can hold it The sweet shaft Oh, let it come So tight Oh, how it hurts me Will take you, child Oh, not the bum - WOMAN: You're disgusting! - So take the love - Yes, Father - Take it all - Holy Father - MAN: There's kids! Children! Take it joyfully if He should call - I'm joyful, I'm joyful - (Crowd booing) Take the love, 'cause it's so divine - Take the love - Oh, children, let it shine (Booing continues) WOMAN: You guys suck! WOMAN: Get out of here! MAN: They're children! WOMAN: You're the worst! (Booing continues) MAN: Get off the stage, pedophile! (Booing continues) I think it's better that this end here.
Wait a minute.
What kind of charges would they press? - False imprisonment it's a felony.
- Oh.
We're just happy seeing the Swallows humiliated.
And knowing there's no way you'll ever perform our song again.
Have a nice life, fuckers.
- Oh! - Original.
Mature.
Oh, my God.
What the Did that guy just check you out? That is disgusting! Thanks, Jermaine.
See? At least somebody in this family gets it.
CASEY: Oh, no! Look at our bus! Now everybody on the highway is going to think we're weirdos! MEG: Unh-unh.
No, no.
We do not let some depraved lowlifes take away the way we feel about ourselves.
We are bigger and better than that.
Casey, are those your Heelys? They were the best shoes I ever had.
Right.
Girls, we need to make a bathroom break before we go? - Hell yeah.
- I think we do.
Gentlemen.
Hey, you little munchkin, give me my shoes! (Muffled shouting) MEG: Thank you very much.
Suc-cess! I knew coming to Family Jam would bring us closer together as a family! Boom! I don't know about that, but at least we didn't sing for the pigs.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
People of (laughs) all faiths welcome.
Yeah, I bet.
I'm sure the halal and kosher food stands are all the rage.
I'm telling you, this festival is going to be great for us.
(Sniffs) Marcus Gaynor runs the whole thing now.
Marcus Gaynor? Isn't he that road manager for the punk band in the '90s? Mom's Fake Titties.
Mom's Fake Titties, that's right.
He's a whole different man now.
I'm telling you, we are going to be perfect for this vibe.
Oh, definitely.
"America's Finest Family Man".
Oh, my God, Casey! Stop rolling around the fucking bus on those things! If I can master Heelys on a moving bus, I'll be able to zoom around Family Jam like a pro.
I hope to God Dad has to stop short and cannonballs your ass out the front window! (Scoffs) Oh, my God.
Were you just checking out my ass?! Not unless your ass is incorporated into "Candy Crush".
You're fucking perving on me! Are you high? I'm laying here.
Jermaine, tell her.
Jermaine, Jermaine, tell me, he was perving on me! Jermaine, tell her! Stop putting Jermaine in the middle of your stupid fights! It's not a stupid fight.
Your brother is a pervert! - I am not a pervert! - Ow! Don't push me! - Ow! - KEN: Alex, stop being a pervert! Ria, stop calling your brother a pervert! - RIA: Me? - And, Casey, get off of those goddamn things before you crack your head open! See, this is why I'm happy we're going to Family Jam.
Maybe being around some decent families that actually get along with each other - Oh, fuck off! - No one cares, Casey.
You know, I am fucking changing because you are a fucking pervert! Give it a rest! - CASEY: Oh, yeah, I'm a ho? - ALEX: Uh-huh, ho! God, these bitches will bury me.
(Sighs) (Brakes hiss) (Door creaks) Kenny! Meg! Marcus! Or it is Reverend Gaynor now? Aw, no, it's just Marcus.
Same as always.
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
This guy was quite the hellraiser back in the day.
Oh, you had a band called Mom's Fake Titties! Oh ho! All behind me.
Why don't you kids go enjoy the park while I orientate your folks? - Sweet.
- Wow.
They seem like wonderful kids.
Yeah, they sure do seem that way.
Come on, let me show you around.
- Great to see you.
- Looking good, brother.
Well! So, this is the park stage, huh? Yeah, this is the big one.
Well, I'll get the crowd rocking for you, buddy.
- That's for sure.
- (Laughs) Actually, we had to make a few adjustments since we last spoke, but we're going to get you all set up over on the other stage.
The other stage? Well.
Doesn't even have a name.
Don't let that fool you.
It is a hot spot.
We hold the pig races there.
You want us to play for pigs? (Laughing) Of course not, Meg.
I want you to play for the people who come to see the pigs.
- This is bullshit.
- Honey, relax for a second.
It is kind of bullshit, though.
- Total bullshit.
- It's total bullshit.
We agreed on the park stage.
I'm real sorry, Kenny, but my hands are tied.
I need a big crowd on the park stage to cover costs.
I got to prioritize acts with a following.
You know, a social media presence and stuff.
Like who? Well, they're back at my office, and I believe you actually know them.
Oh, fuck me.
- Meg.
- Dana.
- Ken.
- Dan.
- Ken.
- Dana.
- Meg.
- Dan.
- Dana.
- Don't do me, moron! Sorry.
What's with the, uh, fake military fatigues? They aren't fake.
We enlisted after 9/11.
Never forget.
I took a bullet protecting your freedom.
Yeah, well, I recycle.
We all chip in.
You guys coming to our show? Seats fill up fast when they know they're seeing real heroes.
Oh, you're a real hero for sleeping with this dipshit.
- Two up! - Just one, babe.
It's kind of low-hanging fruit.
Good news.
We got some great new songs for you to steal.
- Oh, yeah? - We didn't steal your stupid song! We covered it.
"Take The Love" was going to be a breakout country hit for us, and you guys deep-sixed it when you made a lame-ass play for the gospel market.
We were just expanding our fan base.
And it was a much better version than your two-banjo bullshit duet.
(Imitates playing banjos) Marcus, are you really gonna put these two assholes thank you for your service on the park stage? Well, the situation is fluid, but they've got quite a following.
Nearly 4,000 likes on their Bandzone page.
Suck on that.
- Oh, yeah? Suck on this! - Okay.
It's about talent and ability.
Who cares about likes? I measure almost completely by likes.
Plus, we got a billboard outside.
Oh, ho ho.
You put a billboard for the people already in the festival? How stupid is that? You idiots! It's a billboard for our fan page.
It's driven up our web traffic 30%.
(Both vocalize) - They're so smart.
- Smart as shit, God damn it.
God damn it.
(Scoffs) Finally, a food booth.
I was starting to think these people survived on self-righteousness.
Yes! Uh, how much for four burgers? What do you have to trade? They don't accept money.
Family Jam works off of a barter system, like Burning Man.
Am I the only one who read the brochure? What about this? You have to stop offering people weed everywhere we go.
This is an illegal state, dumbass.
Weed's legal everywhere.
What did you just say? Weed is legal everywhere.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No, I'm fucking not.
I can't.
I literally can't.
- You are so fucking dumb.
- I'm so fucking right.
You so are.
Jermaine, tell him he's being an ass.
- N-No, I wasn't.
- Stop fighting! We are at Family Jam, where people are supposed to be good and wholesome! Why can't we just get along? Hey, you don't happen to have any Oxy, do ya? I suppose that's illegal, too? MEG: Grandma's hairy balls! The Dan and Dana fan page has 2,000 likes! It's okay, it's okay.
Swallow is a much newer band, but we can catch up.
How many likes do we have on our page? One me from when I tested it.
That's a buttload of catching up to do.
No, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We got this.
We got two days to zazz up the website and get a couple of thousand fans.
That's impossible.
Alright, you want to be singing for the pigs? You want to sing for the pigs? Let's go.
Suit up and start zazzing.
Start zazzing.
- Suit it up, suit it up.
- MEG: Okay.
Whatever I throw you, put it on.
It doesn't matter, they're all the same.
Let's go! I'm first in the bathroom.
Okay.
- Going to start clicking.
- MEG: Oh, no.
So, think family, think wholesome, think American, think Swallow! (Camera whining) (Camera shutter clicking) I like it! It's got great energy, huh? Everybody looks good.
Are you sure Ria's not showing too much of the merchandise? You want hits, you do tits.
Have you guys been living under a rock? Wait a minute.
God damn it, Alex! What? What did I do? You're staring at my boobs! What? Where? What do you mean, "Where"?! Look at his eyes, look at my boobs.
- You are disgusting! - I was smoldering.
You can't smolder and look at the camera.
You have to look off to the side.
- Who told you to smolder? - You are such a pig! Well, have fun playing for me at the Family Ham Jam! All right, all right, everybody, knock it off.
It's the best shot.
We're going to go with it.
- Dad! - Ken! I'll upload it.
All right, just let Jermaine handle it.
- What, what? Why me? - You don't trust me? I think of you like Russia "trust, but verify".
Are we seriously going to post that photo? It's creepy! You know what? Why don't I just go into porn?! Let's not get crazy.
No one's going into porn.
You can't go into porn.
You're not nice enough.
Oh, you know about porn, pervert! Can everyone stop yelling "Porn" everywhere?! Stop fighting! This is stupid, damn Family Jam! All right, happy? Happy? Ow! Ria, stop! Ow! (Calliope music plays) Uh! Oh! Okay Oh.
Hi.
I'm Casey Swallow.
(European accent): Tell me what you seek, child.
Nothing.
I just wandered in, and I don't know why I'm here.
Of course you know.
You were drawn here for a reason.
Tell me what is it that troubles you? Well, my family just can't get along.
Mm.
They fight all the time even here.
Ohhh.
Strife in the home.
A serious problem if left unresolved.
But I may have something for you.
Okay? Atriangle? The sonic vibrations of this ancient instrument will target and destroy the negative energy surrounding your family.
Invoke the tones and create harmony.
That's exactly what I need.
It's such a shame this society rejects this sort of ancient wisdom.
But what can I trade for it? (Clang) (Clanging) KEN: Wow, Alex, great job! Yeah, I did most of it.
I got distracted by a double rainbow.
No, it's actually just a sticker that Casey put on the window.
Yeah, but if you squint at the right angle, it looks unbelievably real.
Hey, what's going on there? Oh, it looks like we got a bunch of new likes! ALEX: Some are redirects.
For 20 bucks, Jermaine bought a Russian-made cyberbot that reroutes people on other fan pages to our page.
Yeah.
I feel so dirty.
Well, it looks fantastic! We gon' get the park stage, y'all! Whoo! Oh, my God.
I just had the most amazing idea.
We open with "Take The Love".
The song they accused us of stealing? That is so sick, it's brilliant! Kenny! Oh, my God.
I can't wait to shove it in their big, fat patriotic faces.
Right, right? With the gospel feel and the Family Jam, this whole bullshit vibe.
Yeah, you're a genius.
Oh, Marcus is going to eat this up like a Communion wafer.
Wait a minute.
What the hell's going on? JERMAINE: They're all commenting on our new picture.
CASEY: You know, it kind of looks like you're staring at Ria.
Well, I'm not, and no one's going to notice anyway.
What are these comments? Um, it says, "It looks like the son is staring at the sister's tits.
" - "This family is sick.
" - Shit! Now people are going to think I'm encouraging this.
I'm tainted I am fucking tainted, 'cause you can't control your staring.
Smoldering.
They're saying we're disgusting.
We're not disgusting.
Tell them we're not disgusting.
(Warbling) (Cuckoo) - Oh, my God! - Aaaah! What the fuck did you do, Ria?! Do you honestly think that those are my tits? Well, how the hell would I know?! - You have fucking eyes, Dad.
- CASEY: Yeah.
- Don't look! - Oh, my God! - Alex, delete this.
- I'm trying! All of our fans are going to be seeing this bullshit! They're going to think this bus is a rolling den of perversion! No, it's obviously Dan and Dana, those pricks.
Oh, this is nuts, man.
This is out of control.
All right, Jermaine, hack their mainframe or something.
Just mess their shit up.
I don't know how to do that.
Well, Alex, you do it.
Alex! No one thinks this looks like a double rainbow? Why is everyone in our family friggin' incompetent?! (Clanging) Casey, unless you're calling us to dinner, would you knock it the fuck off?! Alex, Jermaine, I want this website clean.
I don't care if it takes all day.
Ken, we both know it's those camouflage dickheads.
We have to nail their asses.
Well, I'm open to suggestions.
We wait for darkness.
I mean, they can fight their propaganda war.
We are taking this shit to the front lines.
(Keyboard clacks) (British accent): Mr.
Swallow, I had no idea you were such a great artiste.
(British accent): Well, thank you.
Thank you very, very much.
If I may ask, what is that object behind the female subject? That is my rendering of a donkey - (Gasps) - with a rather formidable erection.
Rendered in the Cubist approach, I see.
Hm.
Not intentionally, I just had no idea what the hell I was doing up there.
Nevertheless, I deem it a masterpiece.
And I'm sure the world will agree come tomorrow morning.
I just hope that Dana and Dan agree.
Well, if not BOTH: They can blow me! (Both laugh snootily) (Keyboard clicking) ALEX: Jermaine, you're still doing that? You want me to take over for a while? - What was that? - Nothing.
No, that was something.
Oh, my God, I knew you were a little freak but this is next-level.
Man, I was deleting it.
I-I just paused for a second because I got something in my eye.
I'm not judgin'.
Nothing wrong with being a freak.
Hey, J, why don't you wait outside for a second? - Why? - No reason.
Everything's cool.
Just wait outside for, like, a minute.
Yeah, like like 10 minutes.
Man.
Hey.
What you doing out here? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Just Just admiring this lovely day.
That's all.
It's a shitstorm.
Yeah.
Come on in.
We got bagels.
No, no, you can't go in there.
Why? Um, Alex is having a little bit of private time.
Screw him.
I need my phone.
- I have to check my messages.
- You got messages? D-Don't go in there! Great.
(Inhales deeply) (Fabric rustling rapidly) Hey, have you seen my phone? - Ohhh! - Oh, what the fuck are you doing?! - Uh, nothing! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - U-U-Uh - L-L Hear me out.
- Stay away from me! Ow! Actually, it wasn't It wasn't you.
I-I scrolled up so your head was cut off.
- I was just admiring the features.
- (Clanging) I cannot be on this bus with you! - No, no, I - Peace, peace! They weren't even your boobs.
Plus, Jermaine was supposed to delete them, and he didn't.
- What?! - No, he lies! He is a lia I was deleting pictures.
I was deleting, like a fiend.
Oh, is that part of the thrill for you making him keep watch while you do that?! I'm serious! Tell her, Jermaine! - Peace, please! Peace, please! - He's a nasty boy! - Yes, he is! - No, they weren't your boobs! - He's a nasty boy! - I'm not a nasty boy! - It wasn't you! - I am so disgusted! Whooooooa! I can hear you halfway across the Family Jam! What are you yelling about? Either this pervert goes or I go.
It is not safe to be a normal person on this bus! What are you talking about? - She's crazy.
It wasn't even her boobs.
- What?! Why isn't this working?! Is our family this messed up?! Her boobs?! - Mom, I feel so violated right now.
- (Clanging) All right, all right! Whoa! Chill it, chill it! Chill it out, guys! Come on! It's going to be a great day, okay? The sun's going to come out, it's going to dry up.
Mom and I are about to go talk to Marcus.
I think you're about to find the universe is going to shift in our favor, okay? So, shut it up, shut it down.
- Tuck it in.
- Oh, Alex! - Here we go.
- Gross! Let's go talk to Marcus, honey.
Ow! (Imitating banjo music) Dan.
Dana.
Ken.
Meg.
- Dana.
Dan.
- Meg.
Ken.
Marcus! Have you checked out our page recently? We racked up quite a few likes of late.
I think we're hovering around 10,000.
Sorry.
I haven't seen it yet.
Been putting out some fires this morning.
Someone defaced Dan and Dana's billboard last night.
Oh! That's terrible.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? Of course not.
It's just so sad to be shamed so publicly.
Not really.
The festival's actually rallied around us.
Our followers jumped up another 25%.
And many of those people are planning on coming to the show.
That's some serious park stage fan support.
It's true I just don't see how you guys will be able to compete with numbers like that.
Well, don't make any decisions yet, Marcus.
The snow's not until tomorrow, and anything can happen.
DAN: Forget it, Swallow.
We have the sympathies of the crowd, and nothing can top that.
Nothing.
Nothing.
- Ohh.
- That's good.
- So good.
- They worked that shit out.
We gotta get something.
Nothing.
What do we We got nothing.
Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh.
Ohhh, yeah.
(Spray paint cans rattle) (Cans hissing) (Vehicle door closes, car alarm chirps) - (Gasps) - (Dog barks in distance) KEN: Go, go, go! Run, run, run, run! (Calliope music plays) This doesn't work.
I'd like to trade it for my shoes back, please.
You're not spiritual, are you? I bet you're not from some cool foreign country.
(Jersey accent): I'm from New Jersey.
I happen to be gloriously tan.
But I will tell ya this.
If all the gossip going around about your family is true, all the triangles in the world wouldn't fix that.
Now scram! You're befouling my mystic vibe.
Get.
Get out! Bye bye! You wanted to see us, Marcus? Have a seat, guys.
So, you heard about our bus, huh? Horrible what those people did.
I tell ya, objectively, it's worse than what happened to Dan and Dana's billboard, I'd say.
- Mm.
- It is about that.
You know that there are security cameras everywhere.
I was not aware of that, actually.
Meg? No.
No.
Do hope there are photos of the incident? There are.
Mm.
Mm.
- Huh.
- Watching it like this, it's like being violated all over again.
Yeah, it's traumatic.
It's not a very good-quality picture, though.
No, which is why some people think that you are the victims of a disgusting crime.
Which we are.
But other people think that it is clearly the two of you in the photos.
Why would we do that? Well, there are a number of theories.
The most popular right now is that you desecrated your bus and Dan and Dana's billboard in a desperate display of jealousy and a total lack of character, because they are performing on the park stage.
(Scoffs) Marcus, you know us.
W-We're good, God-fearing people.
As the Bible says, do unto others, that which once done does more than thou shalt do.
Praise be.
You're playing for the pigs.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that seems fair.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
(Banjos tuning) Hey, there, losers.
Shouldn't you be playing for the pigs? We're not playing for the pigs.
We're playing for the people who are coming to see the pigs.
DAN: Oh, too bad.
The pigs might actually enjoy your music.
Nice one, babe.
P.
S.
if you were in the military, you'd know how to disable security cams.
Oh, well.
We're on in 10.
Oh, by the way, Dana and I made a little contribution to your bus decorations.
(Dana and Dan snorting) (Chuckling) Oh, I get it.
it's funny.
Because you're being pigs.
Now! DANA: Open this damn door! Come on, let's go, Marcus needs a headliner.
- (Pounding) - Huh.
Mm! DAN: We will end you! Oh, not today, motherfuckers.
Not today! (Laughs) (Humming) All right.
That's it.
I'm calling it.
BOTH: Oh! I don't know where these jerks are, but someone's got to go on.
If I literally had any other option Now, listen.
A good portion of this crowd already thinks you're creepy.
Start with something great.
I don't think it's going to be a problem.
I think our opener is going to "Family Jam" us right into your sweet spot.
- (Laughs) - Good.
- (Pounding) - DAN: Stand back.
DANA: Open the door! - DAN: Oh, God! - DANA: I have to do everything myself! DAN: Oh, my God! I put out my ankle and my toes.
DANA: You are so fucking a loser! Why did I ever marry you? ANNOUNCER: Okay! Family Jam! Please welcome to the fun Swallows! (Applause) Thank you! Hello! We are Swallow! We know you've been expecting Dan and Dana, and some pretty vicious rumors have been spread about us.
That's true, but you know what? I think this first number will tell all of you who we really are.
(Pounding, Dana shouting) (Intro plays) On your knees See the Holy Father's glory I see His glory Open wide Your arms and let Him in I'll take Him in On Thy back Take His heavy load and bear it Take His load Take the love - To your heart - Oh, fill me to the brim The long rod Of Heaven is upon you I can hold it The sweet shaft Of glory when it come Oh, let it come The bastards are playing our song.
No prisoners.
Will take you, child From bountiful to bum Not the bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum On your knees - See the Holy Father's glory - Just go to sleep.
Open wide (Voices fade) Your arms and let Him in On Thy Back Take His load Take the love Oh, fill me to the brim The long rod Yes, I can hold it The sweet shaft Oh, let it come So tight Oh, how it hurts me Will take you, child Oh, not the bum - WOMAN: You're disgusting! - So take the love - Yes, Father - Take it all - Holy Father - MAN: There's kids! Children! Take it joyfully if He should call - I'm joyful, I'm joyful - (Crowd booing) Take the love, 'cause it's so divine - Take the love - Oh, children, let it shine (Booing continues) WOMAN: You guys suck! WOMAN: Get out of here! MAN: They're children! WOMAN: You're the worst! (Booing continues) MAN: Get off the stage, pedophile! (Booing continues) I think it's better that this end here.
Wait a minute.
What kind of charges would they press? - False imprisonment it's a felony.
- Oh.
We're just happy seeing the Swallows humiliated.
And knowing there's no way you'll ever perform our song again.
Have a nice life, fuckers.
- Oh! - Original.
Mature.
Oh, my God.
What the Did that guy just check you out? That is disgusting! Thanks, Jermaine.
See? At least somebody in this family gets it.
CASEY: Oh, no! Look at our bus! Now everybody on the highway is going to think we're weirdos! MEG: Unh-unh.
No, no.
We do not let some depraved lowlifes take away the way we feel about ourselves.
We are bigger and better than that.
Casey, are those your Heelys? They were the best shoes I ever had.
Right.
Girls, we need to make a bathroom break before we go? - Hell yeah.
- I think we do.
Gentlemen.
Hey, you little munchkin, give me my shoes! (Muffled shouting) MEG: Thank you very much.
Suc-cess! I knew coming to Family Jam would bring us closer together as a family! Boom! I don't know about that, but at least we didn't sing for the pigs.