Hit the Road (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

School Spirit

1 (Rock music plays) (Tapping) Come and get it! We're having breakfast outside today.
Beautiful view! Hey, mornin'.
Love your campus.
Swallow, performing in the main auditorium tonight.
Come check it out.
It's gonna rock! For realz! Ahh! (Laughs) Dad.
I-Isn't it against the rules to have a open flame on campus? Yeah, but technically we're tailgating.
That's an integral part of college-football culture.
Th-This school doesn't have a football team, so we're technically just breaking the rules.
All right, J-Man, you gotta loosen up, okay? They booked us to bring some fun to this campus, so, in order to be fun ya gotta? Ya gotta - Have fun! All right? - Oh.
It's rock 'n' roll, man! (Laughs) Oh, is that why you dyed your beard, 'cause we're rock 'n' roll? Right on.
You like it? I think those sausages are done.
Yeah.
(Sizzling) - Hm.
- Thanks.
Alex! (Clapping) Alex! Get dressed.
Mom wants you to do the campus tour.
Get dressed? God, college life is so demanding.
Mom, the tour's not gonna change my mind! College kids just aren't my people.
Wait, time out.
College tour? Mom wants me to think about college just in case the music thing doesn't work out.
Doesn't work out? What does that even mean? Why is there blue in your beard? - (Snaps fingers) - Oh.
He's rock 'n' roll.
Oh.
Here's your coffee, hon.
You know, we were out of milk, so I used the liquid on top of the yogurt.
Wow, that blue is really poppin'! Yeah? You like it? Takes the attention away from the bald.
Uh-huh.
Honey, why are you talking to the kids about college, unless it's to say, "Hey! We're gonna be playing a ton of colleges"? Well, it never hurts to have a backup plan.
I already have a backup plan.
I had it ever since the Family Jam.
He's been talking about becoming a theme-park worker.
- Mm.
- Theme-park owner.
I'd only work the rides to keep in touch with the little people.
All of my workers are gonna be little people.
How cool is that? Alex, th-they'll be too short to ride the rides.
- (Sigh) - Oh, shit! Honey, this band is our future.
Oh, I know, honey! And everybody believes in it.
But it's also good to just be realistic.
Ahh mmm.
Realistic? Like the chances of Forrest Gump getting into college? Mm.
(Gargling) You left college to do music with me.
You're the smartest lady I know.
Look how you solved the whole coffee dilemma.
- It's brilliant! (Chuckle) - Anh! (Chuckle) - Oh, my fucking God.
- I just think the kids should explore this on their own, you know? Command their own destiny! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree with that, but Hey, you wanna talk about commanding destiny? There she is! There's the woman who booked us this gig! It was all her! They don't teach you that in college, right? Today is all about Ria, you guys.
She booked us this gig! What do you want for breakfast, sweetie? Nothing for me.
I'm meeting with Zooey to go over the details of the show.
Oh, all right.
Okay, let's go.
I'm ready.
Uh, Dad? You just said it's my gig, so let me handle it.
Well, it's your gig, but it's my band.
So? All right.
It's like if I throw a potluck dinner and you bring the potato salad.
- Oh, my God.
- Everybody says, "Hey, Ria brought the potato salad," but it doesn't mean you start rearranging the chairs or tell everybody they gotta eat the Brussels sprouts because it's my potluck dinner, in my house, so, you know what? Fuck your Brussels sprouts.
I didn't bring the Brussels sprouts.
I brought the potato salad.
What the hell are you talking about?! - Okay, listen! - What'd he say? I'm the one that this audience relates to, so I know what they want and what they definitely do not want.
When she got us this gig, we told her that she could be in charge.
Well, she is in charge.
It doesn't mean she makes - every decision.
- That-that's exactly what being in charge means.
Dad, I booked this show.
And I know what we need to do to make this work for a college crowd.
Honey, I can relate to college kids, okay? As evidence of what, your idiot blue beard? My beard happens to be very street.
Yeah, "Sesame Street.
" You look like a Muppet.
- I like it! - See? Casey likes it.
You look like Cookie Monster.
Shut up, Casey.
Let her be in charge of that meeting, Ken.
Honey, she's in charge of the meeting.
It's Ria's meeting.
I am just going along to observe.
(Jaunty tune plays) Okay, so let's go over your tech package.
- How many strobes do you have? - Six.
All programmable with multi-gels.
Ah, sweet.
Okay, so let's focus those first three along the upstage curtain; and the other three, we could just run along the apron and face towards the audience.
- All right.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Uh, as an observer, - Mm-hmm? - I'm a little concerned that that may blind the audience.
It won't blind them, Dad.
Let's talk about it later, okay? Just put a "maybe" by the strobes, okay? All right.
Go on with your meeting.
Sorry to interrupt.
Great job.
- Hell of a meeting.
Go ahead.
- It is It is only for the entrance, as it is the opening number.
And we're also gonna have a siren that works beautifully into Alex's bass vamp for "Can't Hold Me Down.
" - Okay.
- I'm sorry.
(Chuckling) I'm sorry.
Observation.
Um, "Can't Hold Me Down" is not the opening song.
"Family Band" is the opening song.
Dad, this is college.
Kids came here to get away from family.
I know, but "Family Band" establishes our brand.
It says "wholesome, classical, - pop-rock, family, Americana.
" - Yeah.
There is not a single word in that sentence - that college kids like.
- (Laughter) Yeah, Ria's right.
The truth is, everyone's really coming to see Ria.
(Chuckle) Let me explain something.
Zoe, is it? Zoo-ey.
Wow, Zooey.
Is that Swahili, like Uhura in "Star Trek"? No.
Unusual name.
That's an unusual beard.
See, Ria's part of a band, so when people come to see Ria, they're really coming to see all of us, sweetie.
- Oh, my God.
- "Sweetie"? You realize that was a micro-aggression, right? A micro-aggression? I'm not familiar with that.
I was raised with full-on, flat-out aggression.
(Laughs) I would've killed for a micro-aggression.
Anyway, we gotta be running along.
So why don't we put the TBD by the setlist and we'll talk about it later, okay? Ria's got an interview with the college TV station.
Okay, thank you.
It's gonna be great.
Sorry.
You ran the hell out of that meeting.
- Good job, sweetie.
- Mm-hmm.
My bad, my bad, my bad.
Set activities? Set schedules? So organized? So structured? (Sigh) It's beautiful.
I can really see us going here one day.
Together! W-We'd be in different grades, though.
Yeah, but that would be good! You know, with your coolness and smarts, you work your way up to class president! And then I show up three years later and continue your agenda! It's just like if Hillary was elected.
Minus the pantsuit.
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna go check out the dorms.
Oh, cool! Maybe we can ask if they have a girl and a boy cohabitation room.
(Squeals, claps) Why are you walking so fast? (Birds chirping) Do you feel that, Alex? Do you feel the energy? It's the thrill of academia.
- The exchange of ideas, - (Chuckle) the stimulation of the mind.
There are so many squirrels here.
Honey, I don't think you're really giving this - your full attention.
- I'm giving it my attention.
I'm looking at all these college-type kids and I'm not feeling it.
I do not want you to miss out on this opportunity, like I did.
Mom, you're smart! You read books; you listen to those podcasts and stuff.
Well, no, listening is not doing! I-I will never know.
Should I have done this? Did I waste a good mind? Whoa! That hits home.
Really? You relate to what I'm saying? I can relate to what I'm smelling.
(Sniff) That is some dank weed.
(Sniffing) Picking up some floral.
Some blackberry.
Some brass, maybe from the pipe.
Mom, you might've been right.
College might be the shit! - I'll catch you later.
- Okay honey, whatever opens the door.
(Birds chirping) (Sigh) Hey, excuse me.
Hi.
What does a person have to do to sit in on a class? Well, ya sit.
Bitch.
Fuck it.
My people.
Plant flower Hotter than the sun Tempted by the power Give in to no one Message to the next man - (Whispering) Sorry.
Sorry.
- What is elasticity? - Thanks.
Thanks.
- Anyone? - So sorry.
Excuse me.
- (Seat creaks) Wow.
I didn't know it'd be this full.
Elasticity It's a really popular class, huh? is the degree to which supply or demands reacts.
I don't go here.
It's a bucket-list kinda thing, you know? - (Buzz) - Changes from - Just - product to product.
- seeing what I missed.
- Why is that? This is sick.
I've never hot-boxed the outdoors before.
(Laughter) Kudos, us.
Man, I was just like you at 18.
I said to myself, "Lit-Ricky, you're too damn lit! to be on a college campus.
" - (Laughter) - Yet here I am.
Just had to find my people.
It's better than home.
Here? I do whatever I like.
Who tell us what to do? - Nobody.
- Who do we listen to? Nobody! - You press Lit-Ricky and you get lit! - (Clicking) (Laughing) Oh, dude.
On fiyah, on fiyah Is that a tattoo of a roller coaster? Yep.
(Laughs) I love theme-park rides.
Holy fuck! Me too.
Wh-What's your name? Alix.
You? Alex! Oh, I'd make out with you, but I think you're underage.
I-I'll be 18 in like five months.
Close enough.
With a passion so strong I could do college! I've never felt so alive Oh oh oh This calls to me.
The rules, the calmness, the fact that the bathroom's only 47 inches from the dinner table.
You know, maybe I should rethink this and try applying to boarding schools this year.
Wait, you'd apply this year? Maybe.
If I got a scholarship.
Campus life just seems so right.
Well, I-I bet it's not as good as it seems.
Everything has an underbelly.
I haven't noticed much of an African American community here.
I have.
Look, even if there was two, that's double what I see on our bus.
- (Sigh) - (Laughs) Ohhhh.
So, I perform with my parents, which is great, you know, but, there are definitely a few challenges.
- (Chuckle) - Like what? - Well, like with my parents.
- Mm-hmm.
We have very different tastes in music, so I'm trying to get them to embrace a more contemporary sound.
Instead, they really set - on the old stuff.
- Yyy (Laughs) You know? As Billy Joel says, "It's still rock and roll to me.
" Hi, I'm the, uh, I'm the dad.
- Hi.
- I'm Ken Swallow.
- That's - That's an odd name.
- (Laughs) - Dad.
Sorry, is that an aggression or a micro-aggression? - Dad.
- That's just a statement.
Ah.
A-And what's your name? - Sochi.
- Sochi! - Mm-hmm.
- So that's Oriental? - Oh, no.
- Okay, that's a micro-aggression.
Wow.
Is there like a chart for this stuff? 'Cause it kinda feels like you're making it up as you go.
(Laughter) You know what? I think what Ria was trying to say is that she's equating contemporary with young and I admit I'm a little more mature, but I think my sensibilities are just as hip as anybody else's.
Hip just like your beard.
Okay, that was a full-blown aggression.
Oh, you're gonna see full-blown aggression.
All right, why don't we just drop the terms? 'Cause, you know, I don't know what the Jargon of the Month is.
But here's what I do know.
I was making music long before your stupid little (laughing) GarageBand app came along.
I stopped wearing fur in the early '90s, pre-PETA.
And it is true, I never did well with the heat.
But still, it's pretty hip.
- And I, uh, - Mnh.
pierced my ear before you were even born.
- (Laughter) - I, uh, I even pierced my nipple.
Did you do that, huh? - Ohh! - Why? - I had to remove it - Why why why? because of frequent infections, but you can see it's still darker than this one.
Yeah, that's the good one.
That's That's the suckler.
(Chuckle) Oh.
My.
God.
- What? - Student hazing.
They made this kid drink his own pee and then they tied a rope to his private parts and then Casey, you just made that up.
I hear things.
Stop doing this, okay? Look, I love the family.
But it's also chaotic.
And my body? Rejects chaos.
I itch, I wheeze.
I'm losing my eyebrows! I'm gonna look like a smooth, brown alien.
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
I think things will get better as we get more - and more successful.
- MAN: Hey, guys, turn the TV up! Ah, if you wanna talk about hip, (snort) I have a Black son, so, uh, I get the whole oppression thing.
You know what I'm sayin'.
- Great.
- Ohhhh.
Not a lot of Blacks in the Oriental community, are there? Are there Black Orientals? You know, you gotta be proud of your people.
In one generation, you went from building the railroads to pretty much running the medical profession.
- It's very impressive.
- (Crowd exclaiming) I'll miss you when you go.
It is inelastic demand.
The price goes up, you just suck it.
- Ugh! - Suck it up.
My God, this man is an inspiration.
I love econ! When the price of gasoline goes down Do you listen to that podcast "Geekonomics"? Those chicks are so funny.
- (Laughing) I love them.
- You buy the same amount.
There are three types of elasticity, inelastic demand, elastic demand, - and unit elastic demand.
- It must be pretty vital if it's pulling you away from this.
- Elasticity - Some cretin on campus TV is saying things like bald white guys are as oppressed as Black people.
- What the? - (Valley accent) Oh, my God, what a douchebag.
- (Door squeaking) - Fuck you and your scabby, dead-ass nipple, Dad.
People hate us now.
Why?! I said some very enlightened stuff.
I was pro-immigration.
You said Indian doctors are the new Jews.
Koreans, too! I plugged them both! I think I came off hip and sensitive and irreverent! Very rock and roll, which is what we are here to be! ALL: Boo! MAN: Loser! You are you an idiot with a Smurf on his chin! - WOMAN: What an asshole.
- Okay, the show's gonna suck because no one's gonna come.
Yeah, and we're gonna look like jagoffs and never get a college gig again, so I'm gonna go back on the air and apologize.
Honey.
No offense, but, you've already done an interview.
It did not go well.
Don't you think it's time to give someone else a chance, like me? Are you fucking crazy? No, Dad! Okay, let me tell you something.
You are not rock and roll! You're a bull that nobody wants in the china shop but he keeps coming in, trying to prove to everybody that he can breakdance! Okay? Nobody wants the bull to breakdance.
Nobody likes the bull! - (Melancholy tune plays) - (Sigh) You know what? Just stay here and keep your gigantic mouth-hole shut.
Well, you're very racially insensitive! - (Door creaking) - 'Cause everybody knows that breakdancing's for the Blacks! How you doin', brotha? MAN: Go home, loser! This whole place is a fucking micro-aggression.
In the graph, our y-axis shows the equilibrium price.
Hey.
I actually get this.
Oh, ha.
Must be from the podcast.
Comparatively, the aggregate level of demand does not shift in this relationship.
Uh, no.
Wrong.
He's totally wrong! And the price curve How can a man that is molding young minds be so clearly mistaken? based on supply Question? - Yes? - Thank you.
Yes.
Um, wouldn't it be more accurate to say that the curve shifts left per the Gagean-inverted supply theory, as cited in a recent study? First off, the theory is Cagean (Laughter) not Gagean.
Oh.
(Laughs) And, secondly, Cage retracted her theory nearly a year ago, after it was revealed Lawrence Klein had pointed to flaws in her correlations, so I think you might be a little behind in your podcast queue.
- (Laughter) - MAN: Oh! Just a little bit behind.
I have been raising a family, - after all.
- I'm sure you have been, but auditing this class is by permit only.
Thank you.
Oh Um I thought she said Thank you! (Students murmuring) Never mind.
I don't belong here.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
College dropout coming through.
Excuse me.
You're all gonna be in debt 'til you're dead.
- (Laughter) - Sorry.
You look so deep and profound right now.
Like a dolphin.
Thanks, I think.
I was just I was so focused on my life being about music or the theme park and now there's this whole other community, this whole other reality that I could experience in college.
My mind is kinda blown.
Never felt so alive This is where minds come to be blown.
Four years is such a big commitment, though.
Four years? I'm going on nine, bro.
- (Laughs) - Five, for me.
You wanna make out some more? This place is magic.
Oh oh oh (Liquid sloshing) Hey, how was the TV interview? Mom, how can you marry someone so completely clueless?! - Oh, no.
- People threw coffee on us! Then how come nothing got on me? Oh, because you used me as a human shield.
You ducked behind me! Ohh.
Are you drinking beer? Yeah.
I'm a college dropout.
- It's what we do.
- What were you thinking? Gimme the beers.
This is show day.
Ken, those are my friends! Don't hurt my friends! Okay, well, Dad totally screwed us! No one's gonna come to our show and, if they do come to our show, it's just to throw more shit on us! People will come, Ria.
They'll come for the rock and roll! And, when they see us up there and they hear our music, they're gonna love us! Okay, so there is 0% chance that's happening, unless we do my show, the way I wanna do it.
- (Bottles clanking) - Mom, tell him.
Well, what do I know? I'm stupid.
Dumb as a bag of hammers.
- KEN: Meg - Why is Mom stupid? She's not stupid.
She's tipsy.
- On a show day?! - I know, see?! Stupid! Honey, why don't you go inside and start steaming out the outfits and I'll get the rest of the equipment, okay? No, no, no.
Not the outfits.
We are not wearing those fucktard outfits for the college gig, Dad! We are the outfits, Ria.
No, you are the outfits, Dad.
Ridiculous and pointless.
Okay? I am not getting on that stage wearing that getup.
We're using my light cues and we're opening with my song, in the desperate hope that it rallies whatever audience we can get! Or you can do the show without me.
Is that a threat? It's not a threat.
It's a promise.
Well, then, have a nice day.
We'll be fine without you.
Really? Really? Okay, so, no lead singer, uh, the crowd hates you, and (whispering) Mom's drunk.
- Put the bottle down, honey.
- Mmm, mm.
Casey, Jermaine.
Why don't you grab the mics and the amps, hm? And, honey, why don't you start pressing the outfits.
Okay.
Mm, boy.
Whoa.
And where the hell is Alex? Probably hiring little people for his theme park.
Ooh.
(Ringtone warbles) Apparently, I am 40 minutes late to something.
- (Beep) - Is it the show? (Laughs) Maybe.
Yeah, it's the show.
I missed load-in and sound check.
Oh, God, I had a lot of texts.
Oh, my dad wants you guys to come and support me while we play the show.
Is he telling us what to do? Nobody tells Lit-Ricky what to do.
No, I think he's telling me what to do.
Alex's dad needs to understand that we were already going to support his band, and not because he semi-told told or did not semi-tell us to do it.
'Cause Lit-Ricky bows to no man! I'll just text him yes.
Yeah, Lit-Ricky's down with that.
Can I scream during one of your bass solos? - Oh, for sure.
- (Chuckle) Holy shit! I just forgot your name.
- Alix.
(Chuckle) - (Chuckling) Right.
Me too.
How did I forget that? Okay, baby, let's drink a little more of this, okay? - Here we go.
- Thank you.
Um, I know I'm a little hungover, but are we in a Home Depot? No, this stupid college doesn't have dressing rooms, so they put us in a scenic shop.
I feel like I'm in a scene from "Les Mis.
" So much for Ria's brilliant negotiating skills.
No, w-w-we cannot go on if Ria's not here.
Of course we can.
It's a very important lesson for Ria to learn, that nobody in this band is indispensable.
Wouldn't it be better to show her that we can't lose anyone, ever? Yeah, who's gonna sing our lead solos? - You and Mom can split 'em.
- Mom? Mo-Mom is toasted! And I-I don't even know the lead lines on three of songs and the other two aren't even in my key.
All right, all right, Jermaine, please don't go all "Rain Man" on me, okay? Alex is gonna be right there next to ya and he's rock-solid on everything.
I'm so high, I don't even remember what instrument I play.
MEG: Ken, it's pointless! Let's cancel.
No, we are not canceling.
CASEY: What if they hate us? (Laughing) Why would they hate us? Can't we just hang out and play videogames? - (Laughs) - Is anybody even gonna come? - I have friends coming.
- You see that? We're gonna have a big fun crowd! How many people are coming for ya, Alex? - Five.
- This is so lame! Ken! Give up! I'm not giving up! No! We're gonna win this crowd over, with our show, our way, okay? And Ria's gonna learn.
She's gonna learn that I am not just some old man that nobody can relate to.
That's what this is about, isn't it? We're both trying to prove that we're still relevant! - (Poignant tune plays) - Me, with my stupid, sorority-girl hangover.
You, with your Crayola beard.
Honey.
Let it go.
It's not worth it.
Let the kids be relevant to the kids.
(Crowd clapping, shouting) All right, you hear that? (Shouting continues) I told you they would come! Let's do this! Oh, boy.
(Clapping, shouting continues) Hello, Benninghurst! Holy shit.
- Boo! - They spelled "bigot" wrong.
They're stupider than I am.
(Booing) MAN: Asshole! Hey, thanks for coming out tonight.
We are Swallow! (Booing, shouting indistinctly) - Asshole! - (Nervous laugh) Where are your friends, Alex? Oh, they're right there.
I gotcha, Alex's dad.
Y'all sucknuts need to back the fuck up and let Lit-Ricky's friends get their jam on! Or else the shit is gonna go down! Thank you, sir.
No actual excrement needs to go down.
Did you just tell me what to do? - Oh, no.
- Well, I'm just saying that there's no cause for violence.
- Lit-Ricky bows to no man! - (Clap-clap) - Oh! Right in the bad nip.
- (Cackles) - Your friends are assholes! - What? That's what I was saying! College students are assholes.
We're not students.
How dare you associate Lit-Ricky and his crew with these elite trogs.
- Wait, what? - Hell, no! We're part of the janitorial and groundskeeping services.
Hold on.
You're not students? Oh, fuck college.
(Booing) - WOMAN: Take off! - Hey.
You still wanna muscle your way through this? I may not be the smartest or the soberest, but I would give her serious consideration right now.
- (Suspenseful music plays) - (Shouting continues) We open with "Family Band.
" We open with "Can't Hold Me Down.
" (Crying) You're not even wearing the outfit.
This is not who we are, Ria.
- We're Swallow.
- We can be a lot of things, Dad, and still be Swallow.
(Melancholy tune plays) Okay? The song isn't worth shit without a drummer.
(Whistling) (Crowd shouting) Give me the vamp.
2, 3, 4.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, I know how you feel! Yeah.
I got an old man and, sometimes, the old man just won't listen! - ATTENDEE: Yeah! - MAN: That's true! You know, our world is full of old men who just wanna run everything! MAN: That's right! Old men who just - won't let go.
- MAN: Damn straight.
But they know, deep down inside, - ATTENDEE: Yeah! - that we are the future.
- Whoo! - We have the vision.
The power is ours.
MAN: Right! You can put me in a box But I find confinement toxic You can draw the line But I ain't gonna walk it I'm better off without you I'm better off without you I've finally realized I'm so much Better off without you I'm better off without you Baby, open up your eyes I'm rebel I'm a fighter Turn on your spotlight Hold up your lighter I'm breakin' out, 'cause You can't hold me down You can't hold me down I'm an outlaw I'm a champion Turn up my amp now I'll teach you a lesson I'm breakin' out 'cause You can't hold me - Down - You can't hold me You can't hold me Dooooo-oooo-oooooown Oh-woh woh-oh, oh-woh woh-oh Dooooo-oooo-oooooown Oh-woh woh-oh Oh-woh-oh (Cheering and applause) You can put me in a box But I find confinement toxic You can draw the line JERMAINE: You can draw the line But I ain't gonna walk it (Musical powerdown) I'm a rebel I'm a fighter Turn on your spotlight Hold up your lighter I'm breakin' out 'cause You can't hold me down - ALEX: You can't hold me down - Oh, no I'm an outlaw I'm a champion Turn up my amp now I'll teach you a lesson I'm breakin' out 'cause You can't hold me down You can't hold me You can't hold me Dooooo-oooo-oooooown Oh-woh woh-oh, oh-woh woh-oh Dooooo-oooo-ooooooown Oh-woh woh-oh, oh-woh woh-oh (Cheering and applause) (Chanting) (Cheering and applause continues) Well, college did suck, but I met this one girl who was superchill.
She wasn't even a student.
What was her name? I don't remember it.
So, Jermaine, what's your final - impression of college? - (Sigh) Chaos follows me like a plague, no matter where I go.
I come in peace.
Okay, but you've got to get that blue out of your beard.
It looks like I'm feeding My Little Pony.
Ah.
That's funny, 'cause the pony's blue and the beard is blue.
Funny.
You know, I'm still waiting for you to admit that I saved your ass.
Ken, at least tell her how well her song played.
The song played very nicely.
I could do without the preamble.
So, are you gonna stick to your word and let me run all the college gigs from now on? I gave you my word.
My word is my bond.
Thanks, Daddy.
Means a lot.
- You're a big man.
- Hm.
What do you know? I thought you were an idiot.
Just for my own personal information, when's our next college gig? Take a look is there a flock of winged giraffes coming out of my ass? - No.
- Then not yet.
- Awesome sauce.
- Mm-hmm.