Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e01 Episode Script


1 I'm in Wales, with guest Ruth Jones, music from Lethal Bizzle, and I'll be going undercover as rugby guru Ty Graham.
I'm on the highway and looking back Nothing in the rear-view I'm getting out Pedal to the metal, 105 Coming into your town I feel alive Cos I'm a travelling man.
Shwmae, Wales! Hello and welcome to Hit The Road Jack.
Each week, a different region of Britain becomes the star of the show, and this week, I have been discovering here - Wales.
Here's what I know.
A lot of culture in Wales.
Doctor Who is filmed in Wales.
How brilliant is that? If Doctor Who is to be believed, every single evil alien invasion starts in a disused quarry in Monmouthshire.
I think it's inappropriate that Wales is where Doctor Who is set, cos if you think about it, Wales is the only country in the world that is completely impenetrable to Dalek attack.
They wouldn't even get over the fucking bridge! "I don't care how many times you shout 'exterminate' at me.
"If you haven't got Ј5.
50, you're not coming in!" What I genuinely want, though, with Doctor Who I want Doctor Who to embrace its Welsh roots a little bit more.
For a start, the next Doctor's assistant, I want to be like a proper Valleys girl.
Yeah! I want her to be called Sian, you know? That'll scare away the alien invaders! Pint of cheeky Vimto in one hand, cocking her leg on a Dalek.
"Oi! Davros! "You want to see something "that's bigger on the inside than it is on the out?" I did think that, as I was coming to Wales, it would only be fair for me to learn a little bit of the language.
So one thing I decided I would do to impress you guys here tonight is learn the name of that railway station that everyone goes on about.
So ready? OK? Ready for this? Car diff Cen tral.
What? You didn't think I was actually going to be bothered to learn Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery- chwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch? Now, I watch Welsh sportsmen all the time.
Admittedly, last year, it was mainly Gavin Henson on The Bachelor, which was an incredible show.
If they wanted to do it with a Welsh sportsman, they should have used Giggsy.
How much better would that have been? Giggsy plus 15 women, and then the winner gets to marry his brother.
But you guys love your rugby here in Wales, so with that in mind, I decided I would see how far the Welsh rugby stars of tomorrow would be willing to go to be the best.
I posed as an alternative rugby guru, Ty Graham, and spent the day training with a semi-professional Cardiff rugby team.
Ty Graham improves your rugby! The things I'm going to be doing with you today are quite unorthodox, but with the right mentality, I think they can really help you improve.
A good player can recognise the beast within.
Now, this one is about identity on the field and knowing who you are.
Who here in the group is the lion, the courageous one, the brave one? So say it, Josh, mate.
Say it.
Actually, no, could you just make the noise? OK? Who's the lion of the group? Roar.
Who here's the dog? Who's reliable? None of you are reliable? I'm reliable.
I'll make a dog noise, or? Yes.
Who here is the ox? The ox.
There we are.
I thought that might be the case.
Can you make the noise of an ox? What's that? It's like a horse, I imagine.
I haven't heard an ox, but it's like .
Like that.
Yeah, that'll do.
Who's the dolphin? Who's the most intelligent of the group? A good team knows each other intimately.
This here is the Ball Of Truth.
When you've got it in your hand, I want you to share with the group a secret.
So I'm going to start with you there, Jimbo, if that's all right.
I have Hero by Enrique Iglesias on my iPod.
I used to enjoy playing football more than playing rugby.
When I was 17, I drunk a bit too much, and I decided I was fine to still drive my motorcycle.
Completely blacked out, and I hit an old guy and killed him.
Erm I quite like the film Love, Actually.
Take inspiration from everywhere, no matter how unorthodox it may seem.
What I'd like you to do is, just join me here in the middle, just take me there.
I want you to completely relax.
I can feel one very strong spirit.
And he says he's very proud of you guys.
Thank you very much for going with me on that journey.
There was one spirit that was very dominant there, and that spirit was Welsh rugby legend Gareth Edwards.
How does that? He's not dead.
Gareth Edwards? He's still alive, isn't he? That'd be bigger than Diana dying in Wales.
Are you sure, like are you sure? Am I sure he's dead? I've seen him on TV.
I doubt Why would anyone lie to me in the spirit world? What I'm trying to say is, if there is any celebrity that you would like to make contact with For a rugby match? What about Gandhi? What could he say that's going to gee me up to get on a rugby pitch? Right, what about Nelson Mandela? He's not dead! Nelson Mandela had that in the film, Invictus.
I think he'd put me off my game.
Just take my hand there, please.
What I'm going to try and do now, try and bring up Nelson Mandela.
It's not worked.
I can only get Morgan Freeman.
You're taking the piss.
I'm fucking going, man! And ladies and gentlemen, they're here tonight.
Give it up for the rugby boys! Good luck with your next game, lads, and remember - embrace the dolphin! Now, being in Wales, I obviously wanted to invite to the show someone with a bit of local knowledge.
Now, South Wales has given us some notable Joneses.
Music royalty Tom Jones, who was born in Pontypridd.
The queen of Hollywood, Catherine Zeta Jones, from Swansea.
And finally, Grace Jones, who lives in Aberystwyth.
But the only Jones I wanted to keep up with tonight is the BAFTA-winning writer and actress, the undisputed queen of comedy, ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome to the wonderful Ruth Jones? Thank you.
Ruth Jones, everyone! Ruth, thank you so much for coming onto the show.
It's a pleasure.
It's a huge pleasure.
Now, how proud are you of being Welsh? I am very proud.
I always say I'm not a nationalist, but I'm very patriotic.
Yeah? Yeah.
I live in Cardiff, and it's just a brilliant city, cos it's the right size and yet it's really friendly.
It's not too anonymous.
It's great.
I love it.
Cardiff's amaz Last time I was in Cardiff, I went out to TigerTiger.
Oh! I had my 40th birthday there.
Did you? In TigerTiger? Amazing.
I came out of TigerTiger and there was a lady there and she said that if I gave her some chips she'd show me her boobies.
Is that a regular thing, or was that just, like, one-off? Well, do you know I'll tell you one thing.
You don't know the lady? I think I might.
I think I might.
But there's one way where you can tell whether a Welsh girl has had an orgasm.
How? She drops her chips.
I was told that.
It's not true, is it, girls? It's not true.
Listen to them! "Yes, it is"! "I know there's no way I'd drop my chips if I was coming!" "I'm hanging on to them, all right? "I paid good money for them chips! I'm holding on to them.
" One of the things I really wanted to do to work out what it was to be properly Welsh was to stay with a Welsh family whilst I was here.
So I put out an advert asking people if they would be willing to put me up for the night, and we got lots of responses.
Some were very nice.
Some a little bit inappropriate.
But finally I came across a family who were perfect.
They could teach me how to fit in with the locals.
And this is what happened.
So, I'd just arrived in Wales.
The Welsh are very proud of their language.
My Welsh friend Ben had translated a traditional Welsh greeting.
Right, OK.
Come on in, then.
Thanks, Ben! So, I met the extended family, and David told me what I had in store.
He explained that he wanted me to sing with him and his group.
That's like a boy band, I guess.
I love boy bands.
Love The Wanted, love a bit of Westlife.
Take That, like, rule my world.
Relight my fire It wasn't like a boy band.
It's such a high standard choir, you need to do a little audition first.
When twilight is fading I pensively rave.
"Rove", not "rave".
Can you go a bit slower? Deep down I knew I was shit.
But they were so nice that they let me join the crew anyway.
You had the bass people, and they were sat at one end and they were, like, big, huge men with massive, pendulous balls.
And then my crew, who had the teeny-weeny little balls.
Am I going too high? That was him.
We are going to break away.
We'll be like JLS.
Us four, we'll tour around the country.
I can see it now.
Knackered from singing, I finally got to go to the pub.
Unfortunately, they just did more singing.
Do you have, like, excursions? Every year.
Every year? Whereabouts? Ibiza? A couple of the lads want to go on to TigerTiger, but I'm shattered, so I think I'm going to call it a night.
Still getting texts through.
Apparently Dafydd just straight-armed a Jagerbomb, and Glyn is taking a little sub-group off to a strip club.
"You can come along.
" But I think I'm just going to hit the hay.
It was the next morning, and it turned out that Auntie Nia was the star of Wales' premier soap opera, Pobol Y Cwm, and she got me a proper Welsh-speaking part.
Don't hog the scene.
It's my scene, OK? OK.
Like any proper actor, even though my part was small, I decided my character needed a back story.
I've actually killed a man.
I've come down here because, this Cheryl bird, I'm having a bit on the side with her.
I've gone through some quite dark shit, so bear all that in mind when you see me walk on, cos it's all in the eyes.
Good luck, Jack.
Action! Jack! Sut ydych.
Round of applause for the James family! Can I just say, it's really refreshing, being a Welsh person, to come on a show like this and to not have any of those usual stereotypical jokes that are usually made against the Welsh.
And you know what type of jokes I'm talking about.
And I think the whole Welsh nation will really respect you for that.
So thank you very much for honouring us.
All right.
We're definitely not doing it.
Join me after the break.
Take it away, Lethal Bizzle.
It's it's it's Lethal Bizzle Records Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack! All week I have been in Wales and tonight I'm showing the good people of Blaenavon just how much I have learned about this fantastic country.
Now, we are here in Blaenavon Working Men's Club, but this is not actually the first time Blaenavon has featured on Channel 4.
You might not know this but Blaenavon was actually on an episode of Time Team.
It was on Time Team.
It was incredible.
I watched the episode.
The dig was brilliant.
In one of the trenches, Baldrick, right, genuinely found the remains of a woman who had been burnt as a witch.
Last October.
Now, I'm fascinated by the Royal family.
None more so than the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles.
When the Queen passes away, Prince Charles will become King and, in doing so, leave a vacancy.
I decided it was only fair to put an advert out asking the good people of Wales if they wanted to be interviewed by a royal household member to see if an everyday member of the Welsh public could actually become the next Prince of Wales.
Think of this as being a little bit like X Factor, but with swans.
This is the search for a new Prince of Wales.
The Royal family have decided to open up a role as a Prince or Princess of Wales.
That's amazing, that's amazing.
Today, two hopefuls are being interviewed in the search for the new Prince of Wales.
If they are to be successful, they must impress a lady in waiting to the Queen, Lady Sighborn.
Do you think you would make a good member of the Royal family? I'll have a go at it.
As part of your press protocol we would require you to be more Welsh than you are now.
If you want me to put my Welsh accent on, that is no problem.
Repeat this phrase and make it sound more Welsh than you sound now.
Hello, madam, do you fancy a trip to the Valley? Hello, madam, do you fancy a trip to the Valley? Could you make it more Welsh than that? Hello, maadam, do you fancy a trip to the Vaalley? That's too much.
Does your family have any history of incest? There's no incest in my family.
Would you be willing to start a history of incest? No.
I want you to imagine that her Majesty has decided she would like to eat your favourite swan.
That's the Queen's creatures.
Yes, and if she wants to eat a swan, she can.
I want you, in your role as Prince of Wales, to talk the Queen round.
To stop her from eating the swan? Why do you want to kill your beautiful animal? Because it looks tasty! You eat that swan, we have another swan out there on that lake.
I'll take them both! And put them in piri-piri.
How would you break the news to a swan like this? I'm sorry, but you're about to die.
Then give it a hug.
You are a woman.
The prince we're looking for is, of course, male.
Is your gender up for discussion? If you truly believe I could bring something to the Royal family, I can put my hair up and tape down.
Wearing some sort of strapping? Very good.
And, ladies and gentlemen Faye and Ross are here tonight, please be upstanding for the new Prince and Princess of Wales! And, of course, Ruth Jones is still with us.
Now, am I right in saying that you've met the Prince of Wales? Yes, I have.
I went to Buckingham Palace and I met him.
Really? He didn't have a clue who I was.
I mean, why should he? He should! He's Prince of Wales.
Gavin & Stacey! No, I don't think he watches a lot of television, in all fairness.
He had somebody sort of whispering to him, must've said "She's an actress, she's in a series" "I believe you're in a series called Gavin & Stacey!" He shook hands with my husband and said, "Should I watch this series?" Because I just said to him, "I'll send you a DVD, if you like!" Really uncool, you know? Well, no, because I never got to meet Prince Charles, because I did the Royal Variety Show I thought I would meet him, and I was so excited.
I was in the line-up, stood next to Susan Boyle.
I was quite worried, because I knew he wouldn't know who I was and I was terrified that he'd think I was her handler or something.
Well, you would, you would! But he didn't even turn up, because those students attacked his car, so I didn't get to meet him, so it was just me and Boyle on our own.
It was all right.
Me and Boyle had a chat.
Did you? Yeah, took her back, let's just say, she's not a virgin any more.
Um, I came across a couple of Welsh signs as well, which I wanted you to translate for the viewers at home.
I love this one.
This is brilliant.
Someone snapped this on their phone and sent it in.
"Pedestrians, look right", in English.
And then, underneath, in Welsh Cerddwyr edrychwch I'r chwith, which means look to the left! Right! That's at a level crossing! You're laughing that is just the Welsh way of killing English people! Don't applaud it! Well, I'm sad to say that my time in Wales is nearly up.
Thank you so much for coming onto the show, Ruth, it's been a pleasure having you.
Ruth Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
Wales, you've been bloody brilliant.
And if anyone asks me about my time in Wales and what I've learned I shall simply say this.
And, hey, if the Welsh tourist board want to license it from me, it ain't gonna come cheap.
A beautiful and magical country.
A country proud of its royal heritage.
Where men enjoy simple, timeless pleasures.
Wales is a fashionable place.
I love this range of summer beachwear.
Pour homme et pour femme.
In Wales, no event is too small to be celebrated in song.
This guy has bought a porno and a chocolate bar! Wales is where stars of the future are born.
Chamone, ladies! Civilised sportsmanship is the name of the game here in the Valleys.
Wales is a place where everyone does really know your name because it will be Jones.
Oh, what's occurring? I'll tell you what's occurring.
That's it from me in Wales.
This has been lush, and it's been down to Ruth Jones! The James family and everybody else.
You've been fantastic.
Thanks for watching.
See you next week on the next stage of my tour and to play us out tonight, it's Lethal Bizzle and the Cardiff Arms Park Male choir! For we believe! Look up to the sky And paint a picture What do you see? Uh Look up to the blue Dreams can come true Yeah, uh For you, I know, I know That I can make it, I know, I know It's never tainted, I know, I know That I can make it, I know, I know Yeah, yeah I'm from a place where humanity is suffering Mum's got two jobs, still strugglin' TV licence at the door Mum's panicking, Didn't have much but we're still managing I used to ask Mum, get me a pair of Nikes But she got me Adidas with the four stripes Sega Master System, second-hand bikes Spoilt brat kid? Nah, far from the type I was a hard-headed kid, I never used to listen If it weren't for my dad I'd probably be in prison Age of 14, I start to make my own decisions Age of 17 I started focusing on rhythms Yeah, passion for the music Still tryin' to work out how I'm going to use it Uh, pure self-motivation When I figure out this equation, yeah! Look up to the sky And paint a picture Uh-uh, uh What do you see? Look up to the blue Dreams can come true For you, I know, I know That I can make it, I know, I know It's never tainted, I know, I know That I can make it, I know Oh, yeah, uh Yo, I told my dad I'm leaving college to be a star He looked at me and said, "Son, who d'you think you are?" Contemplating, seeing if I made the right choice Hearing "I told you so" in my dad's voice