Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e02 Episode Script


1 Tonight I'm taking my show to Newcastle, with guest star Alan Shearer, music from Rizzle Kicks, and I'll be going undercover as Hollywood producer Kip Brady.
I'm on the highway, ain't looking back Nothing in the rear view, I'm getting out Pedal to the metal, 105 Coming into your town, I feel alive Because I'm a travelling man Hello and welcome to Hit The Road Jack! Each week, a different region of Britain becomes the star of the show.
This week, it's Newcastle! Oh, yes! I've been here all week discovering this fantastic part of Britain.
I've been out on the toon, I've met some of Geordie Shore, and tonight I have got with me all show this evening one of the finest music acts working in the country today.
Rizzle Kicks are with me! I have to say, guys, I'm so excited to be here in Newcastle, the party capital of the world.
You guys know how to have a good time.
I love going out in Newcastle.
What a place to party.
Bigg Market that place is incredible.
The people on Bigg Market don't know when to stop.
Any hour of the day, you go down there like five o'clock in the morning, people just stumbling back home, lifting up their shirts, shouting at cabs, pissing in the middle of the street.
And the men are pretty bad as well.
Last time I was in Newcastle, get this, I was on Bigg Market, I saw a man trying to pay for a kebab with one of his shoes.
Your nightclubs are legendary as well.
Whenever you talk to people about Newcastle, they all know the nightclubs.
Whenever I mention Newcastle, people are always like, "Oh, my God, have you heard about Tuxedo?" The nightclub on a boat with a revolving dancefloor.
Is that a good thing, to have a revolving dancefloor on a nightclub? Just leave some poor Geordie lass at the end of the evening that no-one wants to pull going round like a sad rotisserie chicken.
"Nobody wants me.
Why does nobody love me?" I always pray that it's Tuxedo.
You give it a week, they'll be praying to let them go.
"Please, let us go back to Somalia.
"They've been playing Let's Get Ready To Rumble on loop, "and a 50-year-old woman in a leopardskin leotard "just sat on a bottle of Hooch.
" I have not yet mentioned Geordie Shore.
For those of you that don't know what Geordie Shore is, the lucky ones, it is a show Basically, it's like these reality shows, like mock reality shows like The Only Way Is Essex.
Although Geordie Shore isn't like The Only Way Is Essex.
Geordie Shore makes The Only Way Is Essex look like fucking Downton Abbey.
On Geordie Shore they just fuck everything.
There's been outrage, though, over Geordie Shore.
The MP for Newcastle said that Geordie Shore is borderline pornographic.
I have seen Geordie Shore only once.
It was the most haunting thing I've ever seen.
I implore you to never watch it.
I saw a man whip down a girl's trousers and then turn to the camera and genuinely say, "Oh, pet, that's a canny fanny.
" I know, there's about 100 guys in here, "I'm fucking using that one.
" Maybe I'm giving them a hard time.
Geordie Shore has stormed the TV screens and has made stars of some unlikely people.
But I wanted to know how far they would go to take their new-found fame to another level.
I posed as Kip Brady, an American network executive offering to make them American movie stars.
Some of the acting you are about to see would make Robson Green turn in his grave.
He's not dead? Oh.
Hi, I'm Kip Brady.
I'm a network executive.
I'm here in Geordieland to meet some of its most hungry for fame and feed them a big old slice of Hollywood pie.
So I got some pretty big ideas for Sophie from Geordie Shore, Greg from Geordie Shore, and Kia, who auditioned for Geordie Shore.
I need to know just how far these guys will go for fame.
Sophie, right? Yeah, nice to meet you.
From Geordie Shore.
I basically got a lot of ideas for taking your career to the next level.
Getting your over to America.
Is that something you'd be up for? Yeah, definitely.
You like Shakespeare? I've never really read any Shakespeare.
You read books? Katie Price.
Katie Price is a bit like Shakespeare? Yeah, for girls.
How do think Lynsey Lohan made bail? Boom! They don't call her Blow-han for nothing.
I plead guilty.
This is another idea.
It's a big CGI movie.
It's like an epic, Greek-style film.
It's called Chariots.
Now, what I want you to do is pretend you're in a battle scene.
You're there and you're just stabbing a guy.
You've got a sword in your hand.
We'll CGI that in later.
Yeah, that's nice.
That's better.
That's really good, man.
Now you're just stabbing him on the floor.
Really tugging, I mean, stabbing.
He's absolutely loving it, I mean, hating it.
This villain is so bad-ass, man, the only way that he can truly die is if you drink his blood.
Je t'aime, je t'aime, oui, je t'aime Then when you're finished, just roll over and just bask in the glory.
All the men have been dealt with.
That's a cut on that scene.
Is that something you might be interested in? Yeah.
CGI is incredible.
You can do anything with it.
You know the actor John Cusack? He doesn't actually have a mouth.
We're going to try one more.
Bees 3D.
A swarm of bees arrive.
He swats them away.
He kicks some, stamps.
Headbutts a bee.
Then he catches one in his hand, kills it, again using a head butt.
Sweet Jesus, it's worse than I ever thought possible.
This is only the beginning of Bee Day.
Like D-Day, but with bees.
Right, this guy's an extra.
Just kick the shit out of him, you know what I mean? Give me honey! Attack the bee.
Give me the honey! Getting really annoyed.
Oh, sorry.
Insult the bee.
Yeah, you fucking fat fucking Give me the honey, you fucking whore.
This is the queen bee, and actually in my script the only way you can kill the queen bee is actually to fuck her.
So, action.
Oh, you fucking come here! Just keep going! That's absolutely great.
You're really good, man.
So, could you see yourself playing that role? Yeah, definitely.
Who would you like to play the bee? That lad from Glee.
And Sophie, Greg and Kia are here with us tonight.
Being here in Newcastle, I obviously wanted to invite to the show someone with a little bit of local knowledge.
Now, here tonight we have a man who has scored more goals for Newcastle than anybody else in history, one of the best English footballers ever.
It's the living legend that is Alan Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Alan, thank you very much for coming on to my show.
Thank you.
So we just had a little look there at some of the stars of Geordie Shore.
As a Geordie yourself, is that a show that you've seen? I've seen about two or three seconds of it, I've sat there watching it with both my daughters.
One of the girls in the show flicked the sheets back when she was in bed with one of the guys, and she went, "Oh, my God, look at the size of that.
" I said, "That's enough.
" Now, when people think of you, they think of you as being a very traditional footballer and sort of quite old fashioned in some ways.
Do you get exasperated when you look at modern footballers, if you know, like sleeping around with Big Brother contestants and twittering about it and stuff like that? No, I would do it if I wasn't married, but I am.
I got married when I was 21.
One of the things as well, modern footballers is, desperate to get their kit off.
They love posing.
Like Beckham there, Cristiano Ronaldo as well.
Woo! Look at that.
You'd never do anything like that, would you? No, I would never do anything like that.
That's exactly what I thought.
You'd never do anything like that.
And then I found this.
Oh, no, what have you got for me? Now, that You've dug that up from the depths, haven't you? Oh, my God.
What am I doing there? What I love about that is before I came to Newcastle, I was, "Oh, they're all into male grooming.
" Clearly not everyone.
My kids will be horrified.
So, whenever I come to a new place, I like to properly embed myself in the culture and try and become a little bit of a local.
So one of the ways of doing that is to stay with a local family.
So what I did, Alan, was I cast out the net and see if there was anybody up for having me.
Should've rang me.
I could've come and stay with you? Charge you rent, though.
I stayed with an incredible family who looked after me.
They let me into their homes.
They were amazing.
The Nigrellis.
'I was a little bit late to meet Paul and Lino.
' How are you? Very good.
It was very clear that they wanted me to hit the ground running.
There's no time to sit down.
Going to get gym, sunbed for you.
Don't think I need that.
You look pasty.
And then a big night, big boy stuff.
To be a proper Geordie, Paul told me that I had to work on my guns.
No problem.
Well, sort of.
I am about to fucking anal prolapse.
It'd be so much easier if I just fucking took steroids.
So I'd manned up, and now it was time to get tanned up.
Do I have to take off my clothes? Yep, get undressed.
What about my penis? He doesn't want to burn his penis.
Ah! You all right, mate? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just going to get the ass as well.
Good, isn't it? I mean, red's a good look.
I look like David Dickinson.
Whay-fucking-aye! Paul introduced me to his mates.
Paul's mates seem like nice guys, and we're going out on the toon drinking, maybe there'll be a bit of fighting later.
Maybe going out somewhere to get laid.
On the way, Paul wanted me to try to speak a bit of Geordie.
All right, mate.
All right, mate.
He said, what's the toon like? What is the town like? What time your time? It's been busy? Dat's all right.
You had Jamaican written all over that.
We're going to go and have a jully neet eet, all reet? They tried to get me hammered.
But I had my sneaky ways of staying sober.
Don't tell them I'm drinking water.
I might need like a Berocca or Alka Seltzer or something.
Oh, not more! We arrived at Legends nightclub, and after about 10 minutes in, I don't remember a fucking thing.
You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Friends are here with me tonight.
Woo! Thank you so much.
What about my gym workout there? I'm impressed.
You got a bit of work to do.
A bit of work to do? Those weights were really big, and it really did hurt quite a lot.
But, Alan, you know what I had in the forefront of my mind throughout all of the pain if I get to the end of this, you know what I could end up looking like? I had it there, right there! That's what I was thinking.
The guns.
That's bad, that's bad.
That's the last time we show it, I promise.
Now, Alan, you're a legend here.
But there's another local legend who's famous around Newcastle.
He's one of the most famous fans, a man who's literally at every game.
His name is Keith "Beefy" Roberts.
There he is.
Keith's thing is, when Newcastle score, he gets out his chest and breasts.
Now, that's a chest, isn't it! That is a chest.
Do you know of him, Keith "Beefy" Roberts? I've seen a few times on TV, yeah.
He's more famous than I am in Newcastle.
We've actually got Keith "Beefy" Roberts here, and as a little treat, Rizzle Kicks, who are here with us all night, have arranged a very special version of the Newcastle national anthem, Let's Get Ready To Rumble, with a belly accompaniment from Keith "Beefy" Roberts.
After the break we'll be talking more to Alan Shearer and you'll see me going mortal on the toon.
Take it away! Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready Let's get ready to rumble! Watch us rock the mic, watch us rock the mic Watch us rock the mic, psych! Welcome back.
I've spent this week in the party capital of Britain and I'm here tonight at the Newcastle Civic Centre revealing all I've discovered.
Newcastle and England legend, Alan Shearer is here with me! CHEERING Now, Alan.
This is the story that I discovered.
"Geordie is voted the friendliest accent.
" We love our accent.
Everyone loves our accent.
I was in America recently and they couldn't get enough of me speaking, which I know is unusual but, no, we all do love our accent up here.
Yeah, it's a brilliant accent but I want to put this to the test about the Geordie accent being the most friendly.
So, I thought the logical thing was to dress up as a doctor and see whether receiving bad news from a Geordie accent was easier to hear as a patient.
I got some members of the Geordie public to help me and some actors to play some patients with some quite weird ailments.
This gentleman was in a very serious car accident.
He ended up falling into a coma.
So he has been in a coma for five years.
When do you think you will go back to work? I'd like to find out about me job at Woolworths.
You were saying you worked in Woolworths.
Was it the one in town? Yeah.
Cos that's actually closed down.
You must have family savings of some sort or? I've got some savings with Northern Rock.
Erm Northern Rock went bankrupt.
There's been a lot going on with the recession and everyone losing their jobs.
Is there regular patterns of leisure activities that you partake in? I do I do like me music.
I was thinking I don't know if he's touring in the UK, but I'd go and see Michael Jackson or something.
I'm a massive fan.
Well, that is bad news, as well he's actually passed away.
I might go and see Oasis, or somebody like that, you know.
I'm not quite sure but I did hear that Oasis split up, but Oh.
It's not going very well so far, is it? Thank you very much to Hayley for taking part in that.
But it does seem though, in my time in Newcastle, that people love you so much that they would do anything for you.
I decided that I would put that to the test.
Ooh! So what I've done, I've set up a man who's a massive Newcastle fan.
He's come along and he's in another room in this building and he's here being interviewed for the role of an assistant to a Newcastle dignitary, and that Newcastle dignitary is you! What we're going to do is, you'll put in a small earpiece, I'm going to communicate to you via the earpiece and you'll go up and throw out a couple of last minute prerequisites for the job.
Are you up for that? Sounds fun.
Time to go and meet your new assistant.
And you're up! You will be able to? Yes.
Let me Bear with me a moment.
Thanks, Craig.
OK, send him in.
Alan, take a seat.
Scratch your ear when you sit down if you can hear me.
How you doing? All right? Yeah.
This job is to be my assistant.
Well, this job is to be my assistant.
'Are you OK with that?' You all right with that? Yeah, brilliant.
Good, good.
D'you know who I am? D'you know who I am? Of course! One thing I do like when I get a little bit down One thing I do like when I get a bit down is I like my assistant to chant I do like my assistants to chant "Shearer, Shearer!" "Shearer, Shearer!" Could you have a go at that? Can you have a go at that? Can you do it? Shearer, Shearer! Can you do arms in prayer? Can you do arms in prayer? 'Like, "Shearer, Shearer?" ' Like, "Shearer, Shearer?" What, the full thing? Yeah, summat like that.
Shearer, Shearer, Shearer! That's brilliant.
Are you OK with nudity? Are you OK with nudity? Lineker and Hansen like doing Match Of The Day rehearsals in the nude.
Lineker and Hansen both like doing rehearsals for Match Of The Day with nothing on.
'Is that cool with you?' Is that all right? Alan Hansen is a bit scary I've seen him and he's rather large.
Sometimes if Alan Hansen's been mean to me, I need a hug.
Cos if Hansen's been mean to me, I do need a bit of a hug sometimes.
Can you give me a hug? Give me a hug? If you want, I'll hug you.
I'll have a hug.
Give big Al a hug.
C'mon, give me a hug.
Aw! There you are.
Now, before I give you the job Right, before I give you the job I need to tell you one last thing.
I must tell you one last thing.
My deepest, darkest secret.
Deepest, darkest secret.
I've never told anyone this.
Never told anyone.
You have to swear to keep it secret.
Swear you'll keep it secret? Yes, Alan.
'Promise?' Promise? Yeah.
I'm a Sunderland fan.
Now, you're taking it too far there! OK? Go on, Alan! Say it! Come on.
"I'm a Sunderland fan.
" I'm not saying that.
You're a Sunderland fan, say it! "I love Sunderland!" Say it, Shearer! You're a Sunderland fan! I refuse to say that.
Alan, point out to the gentleman he's on hidden camera, he's live on television.
Give him another hug and come back down here, Alan! Come on.
Alan Shearer! That is my time in Newcastle nearly up.
Newcastle, you've been brilliant and if anyone asks me what I've learnt, I shall simply show them this.
And hey, if the Newcastle Tourist Board want to get in touch and use it, by my guests! Newcastle, a city that's forever evolving.
A city that's built on passion and pride.
A city where winter can go fuck itself! It's where rap music was born.
Watch us wreck the mic And died.
Fog on the Tyne is all mine, all mine Fog on the Tyne is all mine Come on! It's a multicultural, tolerant city.
Where the golden age of chivalry never died.
Go on, give her one from me! Don't panic, cos wherever you are, the Angel of the North's got her eye on you.
Help! Cos Newcastle will always look after you even if you're a crazed gunman in a stand-off with the police.
Come here, Gazza! It's chicken time! So, get your tache on and come to Newcastle.
I've had an amazing time here in Newcastle and it's down to Alan Shearer! His new assistant, Craig! The Nigrellis! And you, the good people of Newcastle for coming out and joining in! Thank you for watching, to play us out tonight, it's Rizzle Kicks.
See you next week! Whoo! Go! Newcastle, make some noise! Yo! Coming in with a sound fresher than cut grass Fun starts Second that we enter if you must ask Rush past, like you've forgotten your mind The driver's all up in your face, like, "Can I see a bus pass?" Nah We just wanna lickle rhyme, bruv Call me what you want but you should not call it a night, love And I might just join the Mile High Club Only problem being that I couldn't give a flying (BLEEP)! Yeah, let me touch back down Slap her on the bum until it Comes back round Half the room's like, "Oi, what's this all about?" With the other half jiving I love that sound Yeah, yeah I love that sound And Shearer I love that sound So flick your fag butts at once on a mad one, like, Yeah, your mama can hump Everyone put your hands in the air.
We're going to do the hump.
Mama do the hump, mama do the hump, hump Mama won't you please, let me do the hump, hump Mama do the hump, mama do the hump, hump Mama won't you please, let me do the hump, hump Mama do the hump, mama do the hump, hump Mama won't you please, let me do the hump, hump Yo, it's been a long week How I've got this much energy is beyond me I just want all of these girls to be on me And maybe even one of them could be Beyonce We ain't gonna pack that rap noise in All of that cheesy stuff Clap, clap, sing And we're gonna burn some calories, right here, right now Ain't over till the Fat Boy Slims Mama do the hump, mama do the hump, hump Mama won't you please, let me do the hump, hump Do the hump, Mama Mama do the hump, mama do the hump, hump Mama won't you please, let me do the hump, hump Yeah, knock a rum back down Bust a little jiggy as the Drum track pounds Half the room are just making their own crowd With the other half jivin' I love that sound Yeah, yeah I love that sound Yeah, yeah I'll hug that sound So flick your fag butts at once On a mad one like, yeah, Your mama can hump.
Do the hump! Yeah! Yeah!