Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e03 Episode Script


I'm in Glasgow with John Hannah and Greg McHugh, music from The Vaccines, and I'll be going undercover as hard man Matty Myers.
Hello and welcome to Hit The Road Jack! Each week, a different region of Britain becomes the star of the show.
And this week it's Glasgow.
Let me start by saying what a pleasure it is to be here in Glasgow.
Glasgow is an amazing city.
I've been round all of Glasgow, been to different areas.
We filmed all over the place.
I went to Easterhouse.
Is there anyone in from Easterhouse? Wow.
Easterhouse is incredible! That is the only place I've ever been where you see toddlers walking around with muzzles on so they don't rip off Rottweilers' faces.
This is the thing, people think of Glasgow as being quite tough.
I think that is great, because you know exactly where you stand.
And that should be celebrated.
At the beginning of the week, I arrived in Glasgow, and I decided what I needed to start off my week in Glasgow was to go get myself a big breakfast.
That's what I needed, some food inside me.
So I set off into the middle of Glasgow to find a traditional greasy spoon Scottish cafe, and I find the perfect one.
I walk in, there's a waiter who's really dour-faced, staring at me, wishing I was dead with every fibre of his being.
I sat down and I ordered myself a big, big bowl of bulgur muesli with all the fruits.
I took out my laptop and started typing away, a bit of work on the show, and then made the fatal error of asking my newfound friend, the waiter in the cafe, whether he had any Wi-Fi access, to which looked at me as if to say, "I haven't even got access to my fucking kids!" So at this point, I wasn't being particularly well-loved, but then, thank God, the best thing that could possibly happen in this situation occurred, a godsend, ladies and gentlemen, an American couple walked in.
All of a sudden I was no longer public enemy number one.
They came in, "Hey Marty, come in here! They're definitely going to have waffles!" As soon as they've come into the cafe, the waiter, he's clocked them coming in, he's having like a xenophobic stroke in the corner.
"Yankee doodle fucking bitch, coming into my fucking cafe, "I'll take a shit in her omelette!" And she's there, eating away really loudly, slurping on her coffee.
And I thought, oh my God, this shit could get messy.
Duck for cover, duck for cover.
She goes "Sir, sir, sir.
I finished my coffee, "I will now have my free refill of coffee.
" Oh, dear.
He did not like that.
He looked at her like she'd just ordered dead-baby soup or something without batter.
It was awful.
And he couldn't even formulate a response.
He tried to speak but no sentence came out of his mouth.
After like a minute of just aching and squealing, eventually he managed to shit out just a "NOOOOOOOO!" She, cool as a cucumber, goes "Sir, sir, "I'm going to give you a little reality check here, OK, a little reality check.
"In America, if you order a coffee, we give you a free refill.
" In front of everyone in the cafe, he looked her dead in the eyes and goes, "Love, in Glasgow, we don't give a fuck.
" Oh, people were cheering, applauding, giving him high fives.
There was a guy in a wheelchair in the corner that stood up to shout "Freedom!" And she got kicked out of the fucking cafe.
So most people think of Glasgow as being pretty much the hardest place in the country, but I wanted to test just how important it was to keep up the hard man persona.
So I set up a fake show called Britain's Hardest Bastards and invited some hard Glaswegians to take part.
I say me, I really mean Matty Myers, a character that, of course, bears absolutely no resemblance to anyone else living or dead.
And Matty Myers may not be real, but each of these hard men is a genuine hard man.
I'm Matty Myers and I'm in Glasgow to talk to some of its naughtiest men to find out just how hard they are.
Love it! I'm one of Glasgow's hard men.
I'm afraid of fucking nothing.
Andrew Hillhouse.
His nickname on the street was "The Devil".
And let me tell you, the devil definitely don't wear Prada.
He might, though, I don't know, haven't met him yet.
Right, you're telling me you're a pretty naughty individual.
I'm going to show you a couple of images, I want to know what, as a hard man, they make you feel.
Happy families? Not interested.
Look at her, Grandma, she's laughing like a fucking tit.
Here's my niece, a little painting.
Is that going up on the fridge or do I shit on it? Shit on it, it could be better.
Do you miss her? Naw, fuck.
Correct answer.
'Bert Walker, a six foot eight doorman from Glasgow.
'It's enough to make your bottom flap.
' Here's me fucking puppy.
Bothered? Better than a chicken curry, innit? Better than a chicken curry? I don't give a fuck about it.
How would you cook it? Take the fur aff it, season it, cook it in the oven.
What would you serve it with? Parsnips, gravy.
Proper fucking meal.
Don't give a fuck about it.
What do you do if this dog, right, tries to get into your club? Tell it to get tae fuck.
What if it's well trained? What are you fucking looking at, mate? Donny Miller, professional cage fighter known as "The Terrorist".
One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.
Look at Nelson Mandela, he's a shifty little twat.
Flex up, mate, show me what you've got.
Skinny the now, weight.
It's usually bigger.
Yeah, it's bigger.
Can we make you look just a little bit harder? Here, these fucking things.
Whack them on.
You still fucking look scrawny, mate.
Try that on.
This is fucking terrible.
I want to make you look harder.
I want to look natural, not harder.
It's just cos you're smaller fucking build.
Vital, mate.
Try it on, mate.
I'm done, man, fuck that.
Donnie, mate.
No, mate, no way am I putting that on.
I could call you like "Donnie the Penetrator" or something.
Fuck that, man.
'Trying to see what they'd be like in a real-life situation.
' I'm a naughty individual.
I'm trying to get into your club.
You don't want me in there.
I've got a little bit of class A, Charlie, whizzy whizzy bang bang on me.
All right, mate? I need to get in, mate.
Pull myself a bra.
Swing with it.
Fucking hell, mate! You got something there, mate.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
Look, mate, I'm not even joking, this isn't even in the show.
Look, mate, look, right there, Michelle McManus has got her fucking shirt off.
And I would want to look at that why? Just to see her tits.
We're probably all done.
I'm going to go to my They'll do some pickups with you.
I'm going to go to my dressing room now.
Addicts, Braveheart, Susan Boyle, fucking do one.
Ladies and gentlemen, they're here tonight, it's the hardest men in Glasgow! Look how hard those boys are.
You're making me hard just looking at you.
That came out wrong.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful John Hannah and Greg McHugh are with us tonight.
So you, John, thank you very much for coming onto the show.
My pleasure, my pleasure.
You were born in East Kilbride.
Oh! We invited all of East Kilbride down tonight, they're all here.
But now you're a Hollywood movie star.
Four Weddings And A Funeral, The Mummy, how does that happen to a boy from East Kilbride? You get the bus and you get out.
Now, you two were both at the same drama school.
Same year, I think, was it? I love this guy! Now, Greg, we have to get this out there.
We're in Glasgow tonight.
You live in Glasgow and have done for some time now.
But you're actually from Edinburgh.
Yeah, yeah.
Because there's quite a big rivalry, from what I've noticed, between Glasgow and Edinburgh.
I don't think there actually is because when Edinburgh's so much better than Glasgow We don't care! I don't know what that means.
I'm from Edinburgh.
But that's the thing, isn't it, people from Glasgow think people from Edinburgh are a bit more la-di-da, you know, born with a silver spoon to cook their smack on, like that.
I think in Scotland we've got an equal opportunities sort of sectarianism.
We can hate anybody from anywhere.
It can be the person from across the street, I'll hate the person round the corner.
And then we all came together to hate England for the riots.
It was perfect.
"You wouldnae catch me doing that!" Thank you for turning my audience into a lynch mob.
Now, when you came over from Edinburgh, what were the differences that you noticed between Edinburgh and Glasgow? I think the initial differences, I remember going to the cinema in Glasgow, and in Edinburgh people used to just watch the film, whereas in Glasgow, you didn't know what was going to kick off in the cinema, frankly.
I remember going to the cinema and about five minutes into the film this guy just shouted out, "Ho, Laura, you're stinkin'!" Honestly, he just shouted it out.
And I don't know what Laura had done, what she'd been up to.
I wasn't even there.
It wasn't me.
But about five minutes later, this same guy, you know one of these guys who'd come bounding down to the front of the cinema? And he just turns round and goes, "Ho, this film is pish!" One of the things I did before I set off to go anywhere was to sit my dad down, cos he's quite a wise, well-travelled man, and I asked him about all the different regions that I went to and gave him a little bit of wine as well cos when he drinks his mind wanders.
This is what happened when I asked him about Glasgow.
So I'm going to Glasgow which has a reputation for being quite tough.
Mm, well it was.
I'm in, in my day it was very, very tough.
I mean, the people who worked in Glasgow, they were proper men.
They had trades, shipbuilding, things like that.
I mean, you'd be hopeless in somewhere like Glasgow.
You'd be as welcome in Glasgow as a bowl of couscous.
My dad thinks I'm weak.
Well, I am strong.
I can make strong decisions, like moving him to a retirement community.
So that's it for this part.
Join me after the break with more from Glasgow, more from John Hannah and more from Greg McHugh.
Take it away, The Vaccines! Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
I've spent a great week discovering this fine city of Glasgow.
I'm joined by local legend turned Hollywood star, John Hannah, and my Fresh Meat co-star, Greg McHugh.
Now, coming to Glasgow, there was only one way to truly become a proper, local Glaswegian.
Get in a fight.
Get in a fight? Well, I nearly did that on several occasions.
There's always later.
I'm actually quite good in a combat scenario.
They love that, if you're getting the shit kicked out of you in Glasgow.
"Fucking Kung Fu!" I wanted to stay with a local family, so we put out an advert saying, "Is there anyone that will let me into their house?" In the end, I decided to stay with a nice family who had two daughters and a puppy.
'I arrived at the family's house in Glasgow.
' Hi, I'm Liz.
'Within minutes of meeting the MacNeil family' Hey, everyone.
Pleased to meet you.
'Alec had decided I needed Scottish-ing up.
'Time to wear a man skirt.
'I felt like William Wallace.
'Or an Englishman claiming to have Scottish ancestry at a wedding.
' Is there any point in the dance where I get to do the thing in Braveheart where I put my arse out? There would be if there wasn't younger ones there.
Especially my daughter.
I don't think my daughter would want to see your arse.
'After promising not to expose my genitalia 'to his 14-year-old daughter, I was ready to dance.
' 'Scottish dancing looked like a piece of piss.
'Bit of hopping, maybe the occasional jump over a sword, 'all with some sexy Scottish backing dancers.
'Not sexy.
Cos they're 14.
So, just "backing dancers.
"' That's not good.
Why did you kick the sword out? Want a drink of water, Jack? 'Bit demoralising.
'A lot of young girls and none of them have broken sweat, 'and then me looking like Eamonn Holmes after running a marathon.
'Or up the stairs.
' I thought it'd be really easy.
I dance in clubs and stuff, and I'm really good at that.
'Clubs! Yes - I would harness the power of Ibiza.
'This was a move that had worked wonders in Pacha.
'How would it fare in Hillington?' Take the foot.
Take the back of the head.
And pump! 'And what does every man need after intense physical exercise? 'Offal.
Bring me the vital organs of a pig.
' That is the best haggis I have ever tasted.
The only haggis I've ever tasted, but it's the best.
'I thought little Abby was going to compliment me on my dancing.
' You actually look like one of the guys off the seven dwarves.
Which one do I look like? The one that's got the same hair as you, and sort of a beard.
The gay one? I look like the gay dwarf from the seven dwarves.
I think it is the gay one.
'And this dwarf was sleepy.
'The next morning, the girls cooked me breakfast, 'and Alec told me that he hated English comedy.
' Now, this is what you call funny.
I think in Scotland this counts as a tan.
This is what you call a comedian.
Yes, he's very good.
Have you seen his stand up? Work with him! All the time! Oh, do you? So you steal his jokes, do you? I'm not stealing his jokes! 'Scottish lessons learnt, my stay was complete.
Och, aye!' And the MacNeils are here with us tonight.
Now, one thing I need to talk about is Glasgow's food culture.
Cos Glasgow is famed for its food culture like Fried stuff.
You need something you can eat in the rain, and that the rain'll just run off.
Oh, that's why it's done! That's amazing! Is that why it is? I don't know, I just made that up.
I thought, genuinely, that was true.
I was like, "Oh, really?" Why wouldn't you? I just think that makes perfect sense.
Yeah! Oil, water - drip off! Brilliant.
You cannae have your chips getting wet when you're waiting for the bus.
That's a Dragon's Den pitch, right there.
Bannatyne would still be out.
Now, one of the things I wanted to do There is this thing, people say, "Glasgow's one of the most unhealthy cities in the country.
" And I thought, "I can sort that out.
" Cos I know the way you have to sort out a problem like that.
You need to send in a sanctimonious TV chef.
That's how you do it.
You get Jamie Oliver in, you sort it out.
So what I did is, I posed as Turtle Lamont, a TV chef, and I took the battle with the bulge to the streets of Glasgow, and received what can most nicely be described as a mixed response.
Glasgow is the unhealthiest city in Britain.
Celebrity chef, Turtle Lamont, is on a mission to change that.
It's time for Turtle to hit the mean streets of Glasgow.
My mission is to stop you from eating unhealthy food in The Blue Lagoon, and instead try some of my fresh produce.
This is broccoli sashimi.
That's vegetarian haggis.
Just the oats.
And you sort of, just I'm terribly sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying.
That one has badger semen in it.
Fuckin' horrible.
Really subtle flavours.
Fuckin' stinking.
By the way, you can fuck off! I think that guy in the Rangers shirt might have been the man from the cinema.
Did you hear him? "That is fuckin' stinking! "That smells like Laura.
" Erm.
Now, one thing I've really enjoyed about Glasgow is you guys love a drink.
But there was a drink I'd never heard of until I came to Glasgow, and that drink is Buckfast.
Oh, yes! The alcoholics are cheering.
I'd never even heard of Buckfast, but this drink is Made in England.
It's made in Devon, in a tiny monastery.
Buckfast Abbey.
I found some slightly less wholesome facts about Buckfast, as well.
In 2010 the BBC investigation revealed that Buckfast had been mentioned 5,638 times in crime reports in the Strathclyde area of Scotland.
One in ten of those offences had been violent, and 114 times in that period Buckfast had been used as a weapon.
Jesus Christ! So I thought we'd have some.
So here we are.
I thought we might as well try a bit of Buckfast.
There we are.
A whole bottle? Yeah.
I don't think you should drink it in the glass.
I don't think anyone in Scotland's ever drunk it from a glass.
What do you do? Is it from the shoe, is that the traditional? Oh, straight from the bottle.
All right.
Chin chin, everyone.
What shall we "cheers" to? I've already gone, actually.
I'm afraid, I've started.
Here's to glassing and violence.
Keep going! Come on, finish it! Wow.
I don't even have a wife, but if I did I'd want to hit her right now.
That shit is strong! What are you looking at? Erm, this Oh, I'm properly pissed, now.
One of the things I found, this is the best sign I think I've ever seen, all right? This is a genuine sign from a shop in Glasgow.
And it's just incredible.
Here it is.
"It is not their fault.
" Amazing! That's my time in Glasgow nearly up.
I've absolutely loved it.
Thank you for coming onto the show, John Hannah and Greg McHugh! Glasgow, you've been brilliant, and if anyone asks me what I've learnt here, I shall simply show them this.
And if the Glasgow tourist board want to get in touch and use it, you know where I am having a lie down.
'Discover Glasgow.
I know I did.
'I discovered a thriving metropolis, 'embedded in the beauty of its natural surroundings.
'I discovered the famous Glasgow welcome.
'My Glasgow believes children are the future.
'My Glasgow's cuisine 'is so much more diverse than deep-fried Mars bars.
'My Glasgow is united by a friendly footballing rivalry.
'But it's not all about football.
'There are plenty of traditional Scottish sports.
'Like curling.
'So, discover your own Glasgow - today.
' I've had an amazing time here in Glasgow, thanks now to John Hannah, Greg McHugh, the MacNeil family, and to you, the good people of Glasgow.
Thank you very much for watching.
To play us out tonight, it's The Vaccines.