Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e04 Episode Script


Tonight, I'm taking my show to Manchester with guest star Freddie Flintoff, music from Maverick Sabre and I'll be going undercover as pop maestro Jackson Deek.
Hello and welcome to Hit The Road Jack! Thank you, sir.
So, each week a different region of Britain becomes the star of the show and this week, I've been in one of my favourite places Manchester! Yes.
Tonight, I'm showing the people of Manchester how much I've discovered.
I'm very excited to be here, very excited to be here, because I've always found this city amazing.
If you read the tourist guides, they will tell you Manchester is England's second city, but being here, it's clear to see, that you guys don't need London.
This is the number one city.
Everything London has, Manchester has got as well.
It's like it's a sort of Manchester V London pride thing going on here.
"Oh, yeah? You got your Chinatown, have you, London? "Nee fucking hell, we've got one as well.
"And Soho, your gay area, "you're proud of that, London? You've got a gay area? "We've got one of them as well, it's called Didsbury! "And your tube.
You love your London Underground, going on about that.
"All your different coloured lines so you don't get lost.
"Your Piccadilly and your Bakerloo line.
"We've got a tram that goes from Eccles to Sale.
" But Manchester has pride, and that's what should be celebrated.
It's got pride about everything.
Your music scene is world famous, but I love talking to people about the Hacienda days.
Whenever you talk to anyone in Manchester about the Hacienda days, it is a mixture of pride and complete denial that going out and getting fucked for an entire decade has had any lasting effect on them whatsoever.
I talked to friends, they're like, "Oh, yeah, Hacienda.
"That was the best days of my entire life.
"Used to go down there every single night.
"The great thing is, it's had absolutely no long-lasting effects on me whatsoever.
"No way whatsoever that it's affected me.
"I'll drop a pinger in the corner.
"Money's gone, do you want to buy a radiator? I once met Mani from the Roses.
" "What are you talking about?" I know that there's some Mancunian at home watching that going, "Fucking hell, I just had a flashback.
" Now, Manchester is the biggest footballing city on the planet with two of its biggest teams.
There's a huge rivalry between United and City.
In fact, the only thing that unites both teams is this man.
In that you both think he's a complete prick.
Famously, he betrayed Man United by transferring to City, and then he betrayed Man City by falling out with manager Roberto Mancini.
I think we all know why.
I suspect it's because Roberto Mancini is one of the most handsome men I have ever seen.
Carlos Tevez looks like Gollum wearing a scarf made of scrotum.
So, I wanted to discover just how important club loyalty and passion were here, so the obvious thing to do was to set up a fake tattoo parlour, pose as an incompetent tattoo artist and invite down some die-hard Man United fans to get a new free tattoo.
I mean, why wouldn't I? People think they can come into my shop and tell me what to put on them.
I have a man one day, he come in, he want a little initials of his baby girl.
I give him skull on his face.
You no like Manchester City.
No, no, no.
They all thieves and rapists.
You have very nice back.
You are, how you say built like son of a bitch.
I clean up, then you go in there.
I wanted the badge.
What? What the fuck's that? Not United, that.
It's Manchester.
What the fuck does it say, I can't even see what the top one says.
Yeah, Tevez.
Listen, don't take the piss.
Get it off my fucking back now.
This is Manchester? Yeah, this is Tevez, plays for City.
So you want Manchester City badge? No, no, I didn't want a City badge because I'm a United fan.
Wrong one.
Completely wrong one.
But he very good player.
Get a fucking stone and get it off my back.
Get a scalpel or something and cut my skin on my back, get it off.
Get that shit off my back.
I can't Can't do nothing, get that fucking shit off my back.
Maybe Tevez go to Manchester.
No, because he used to play for Manchester United but now he's gone to Manchester City.
How long is his contract for? Ages and he won't come back.
I do Hargreaves.
He plays for City as well.
You like Fergie? I like Fergie but I don't want I just wanted that Fergie.
No, that's Can't fucking believe this.
Get that shit off my back.
I'm not fucking about, I'll smash your shop up.
I'll fucking smash your shop up.
Get it off me, you fucking idiot.
Don't smash the shop.
I make Tevez for you.
I'll fucking petrol bomb your shop if you don't get it off.
Well, I open but What the fuck's that nugget put on my back? What do you find funny? Ladies and gentleman, John Mullaney and John "Petrol Bomb" McLaughlan! Thank you for being such good sports, guys.
Now, being here in Manchester, I obviously wanted to invite to the show someone with a little local knowledge.
Joining me tonight is a man who played for 15 years here in Manchester.
It's Lancashire cricketing legend, ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the wonderful Freddie Flintoff! Mr Flintoff, thank you very much for coming onto my show.
A pleasure, Jack.
Now, Manchester has an amazing reputation for having a brilliant night life.
Did you in your time, 15 years at Lancashire, have a night in? One of the worst things I did actually, probably for my career, was I moved to Castlefield at 20.
I bought a flat which was in the middle of all the bars and clubs in Manchester.
Put three stone on.
I couldn't play cricket.
I used to be in my flat, I used to be sitting and hear the music.
It would just drag me towards it and I didn't have a night in for three years.
Like, now, you look amazing.
Very trim and we all know why.
It's because of that Morrison's cuisine that you're eating.
All that Aldo Zilli pasta, keeping you nice and That's the thing about the Morrison's now, my kids are at an age where they didn't really see me play cricket.
They just think I advertise for Morrison's.
It's funny the first time someone shouts, "Have you got your quiche?" Then by about the 15th person, fuck off! Now, Fred, you are a true northerner.
You're from Preston, you lived in Manchester for 15 years, but you have now defected south and you live in Surrey.
Yeah, I do.
You're in quite a glitzy community, quite a lot of famous people.
Not really.
Well, I happen to know that you live in the same area as John Terry for one.
What's John like? A Nice Guy.
He's just a nice guy, is he, Terry? A nice lad? He pops round the house when I'm not in.
No, no.
You've just I spoke to him before.
"I'm not saying anything about Terry.
I'm not doing it, you won't make me do it!" One question, like, "Yeah, he fucks my missus.
" Just dragged me in there.
The school run's going to be so awkward now.
So awkward! Now, Fred, one of the things I like to do to acquaint myself with a city and try and feel like a local is to stay with a local family each week.
I lived in Manchester for a while so I feel like I know the city, but there was areas I didn't know as well, Canal Street is one of these.
One of the most famous gay areas in the world, so I felt there's only one way to truly find out about it I will go and stay with a family that live there, so I stayed with the Scandal family.
'I'd been told I was staying with an incredibly camp family 'when I arrived in Manchester.
' Nice to meet you.
Come through.
'Now, Neil was lovely, but he wasn't exactly flamboyant.
' Hiya.
' This evening, I'm going to work and it's cabaret night.
We thought we'd make you a little part of the show.
Do you have some breasts for me to wear? We've got the full regalia for you.
Can I do it sitting down or like in Cabaret with a chair there so no-one sees up my thing? Would you tuck it? Are you tucked now? I'm sat on it.
Right now.
Really? That's why I'm not totally sat properly.
Good luck tucking mine.
It'll look like a fucking space hopper.
You look like Heath Ledger in Batman.
I need my Copydex from the bathroom.
What's Copydex? Carpet glue.
No! Open wide.
Wide, massive.
Sizing me up.
Can I do the tucking? I'm trying not to look, I really am.
Now I had a glam look, I needed a glam name.
What are the rules with the names for the drag acts? Anything, mine was based on my Auntie Brenda.
I had an aunt called Vera.
Vera's a good name.
First street you lived on? Gwendolyn Avenue.
Vera Gwendolyn! So, it was off to a gay bar for the first time ever.
Cos I've never been before.
I promise.
Never been to a gay bar.
Look away, Dad.
It's time for Vera Gwendolyn to make her debut.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vera Gwendolyn! 'Yes, I am what I am, and I am thirsty.
' That, my gorgeous gay people, is how you get a straight man pissed.
'Belinda was right, and I need my bed.
' My tit just farted.
And the Scandals are here tonight! Freddie, have you ever been to Canal Street? Yeah.
What's that look for? No, when I moved over, Canal Street was one of the places where you go to go out.
Growing up in Preston, it was a bit of an eye-opener going out for the first time.
Um I've been hooked ever since.
Freddie, um one thing I like to do before I set off, before I go anywhere, is sit my old man down.
You know my dad.
He's quite an old man, isn't he? He is, yeah.
He's very well-to-do.
I thought I'd sit him down and talk to him about Manchester, expecting him to maybe talk to me about it being the home of the textile industry or wartime Prime Minister David Lloyd George.
Something intellectual like that.
This is what I got from him instead.
I'm on my travels, I'll be going to Manchester, where of course I went to University.
Yeah, I mean, the name "Manchester" and the "University" just feels so bad and makes your mother and I so depressed, because you should never have gone there.
You were never an academic.
Look what you did - nothing.
Injected yourself with marijuana and told jokes in night clubs.
I mean, what we'd hoped for is something like that.
I mean Look what your sister got.
A Bachelor of Arts.
That's what we thought you could do and get from Manchester University.
But it never happened.
What did you get? The only thing you ever got was a dose of the clap.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is all for this part.
Join me after the break for more Freddie Flintoff, more Manchester.
Take it away, Maverick Sabre! Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
Now, all week I've been here in Manchester.
Tonight I'm showing you, the good people of Manchester, just how much I have discovered.
Now, Manchester is all about the music.
Some of the coolest bands have come out of this city.
Oasis, The Stone Roses, The Verve, Chemical Brothers, Happy Mondays, Joy Division, New Order and M People.
But the problem is, a lot of Manchester's bands have always had one fatal flaw.
Oasis were forever fighting, the Happy Mondays took too many drugs, and Simply Red were shit.
I decided to test how the bands of tomorrow will deal with the pressures of the record industry.
I set myself up as an A&R man and found out just how prepared a cool Manchester band would be to sell out in order to get a record deal.
At age just 26, Jackson Deich has produced some of the biggest names in music and been sacked by them all.
Why do you think Jedward are so successful? I'm the man that made their mother drink during the pregnancy.
He's in Manchester to scout for new talent.
That, right, sounded like Rihanna fingering Tinie Tempah behind Mick Jagger's back.
It was sweet.
Little bit about me first.
I'm very big on image.
I mould.
I mould people.
I'm a moulder of people, that's what I fucking do.
There's some stuff that jars with me.
Does the name Cowards work? Have you had other names? Measured in Wolves? Is that Wolves, the place, or? Would you change your name to that? Glee.
Very popular.
I mean, Glee sells.
This is really out there but what is honestly the chances of getting one of you into this? Do you think that one in Glee isactuallyin one of them? He's not.
Stevie Wonder ain't blind.
He ain't blind.
Have you seen him at his gigs? He's looking at the crowd.
Is that something you'd be willing to do? All right.
Your musical direction might have to change.
I mean, I'm the guy that told Slipknot to stop playing jazz.
How Again, gut feeling, would you feel about maybe adding a member to the band? Yeah? Sign there.
Chics, you don't need one.
There you are.
There you are.
You sign there on the dotted line.
Right, that's not going to work.
That's not an actual signature.
That just says, "fuck off".
Ladies and gentlemen, they're here tonight.
It's The Ga I mean, Cowards! Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Flintoff is still with us tonight.
Um You're a hero in Manchester but I know one way of making at least half of this crowd boo you, by showing this image here.
You So you're a big Man City fan? Have you met the Sheikh? Cos you're a celeb fan, you get to meet the Sheikh? I'm not a celeb fan, I have met him.
Well, you are a celeb fan.
It goes Noel Gallagher, you, Curly Watts.
Although you and Curly I've met Curly! You've met Curly Watts? I met Curly years ago.
I was on tour in New Zealand.
Once he'd got Kevin Kennedy, he's called.
And once he got the axe from Corrie for being a plank, he started a music career and I was in New Zealand on tour and I was walking past the equivalent of HMV.
He was in all the windows, he was number one in New Zealand.
Curly Watts? Curly Watts.
What kind of music does he play? It's like country stuff.
R'n'B? Yeah! Smack your bitch up with Curly! Cos this was something that really surprised me.
You're, like, you know, a proper Northern lad but a sportsman as well, and then I saw this headline.
What's that about? Mate, I'd love that.
It's growing up in the North.
I remember as a kid, half seven was Corrie during the week.
I grew up in the days of Hilda Ogden with her ducks on the wall.
Really? And Fairclough getting knocked over by a tram in Blackpool.
But I would love to run The Rovers Return.
I'd like to stand behind there and when Ken Barlow comes in, say, "You're fucking barred, Ken.
" I'm afraid that is my time in Manchester nearly up.
Thanks so much for coming on.
Freddie Flintoff, ladies and gentlemen.
Manchester, you have been brilliant.
And if anybody asks me what I've learned during my stay here in Manchester, I will say nothing.
Instead, I shall simply show them this.
And hey, if the Manchester Tourist Board want to get in touch and use it, be my guests.
Manchester - birthplace of the Industrial Revolution house music and Judy Finnigan.
But not her son, Richard.
It's got its own walk.
Its own talk.
It's the city where men are men.
And so are some of the women.
Fuck London.
Manchester's got it all.
Its own Piccadilly.
Its own white-knuckle tourist attractions.
And its own thriving financial district.
In Manchester, mistakes are forgiven and forgotten.
And its people are happy to share it all with you because in Manchester, everyone's welcome.
Unless you're a Scouser.
In which case, you can get to fuck! Manchester.
Mad for it.
I've had an amazing time back here in Manchester, and it's been down to Freddie Flintoff the Scandals, and you, the people of Manchester for joining in.
Thank you so much for watching, and to play us out tonight, it's Maverick Sabre.
See you next week!