Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Bristol

1 Tonight, I'm taking my show to Bristol, with guest star David Walliams, music from Example and I'll be seeing how much Bristolians love their art.
Hello and welcome to Hit The Road Jack.
Now, I am very excited to be here in Bristol.
What a place Bristol is.
I've always thought, "Bristol, what a cool place "this would be to grow up," because, of course, Skins is filmed and set in Bristol.
And if anyone has seen Skins, they just have sex all the time! I watched that show and I was like, "I want to be in Bristol, "they just shag everything!" We've got teenagers in tonight? You, how old are you, fella? 20.
Not quite a teen, but I still reckon you must be a ball of spunk.
If we believe in Skins, you haven't been listening to a word, you've just been sizing up that O, see if you can fuck it during the show.
Bristol has got so many hidden gems as well that should be celebrated.
One of my favourite facts that I found out, Darth Vader was from Bristol.
Yeah, couple of people knew that.
You already know that shit.
David Prowse, the guy who played the body of Darth Vader, was from the West Country.
That is so cool.
The tragedy is, though, they dubbed out his voice.
They decided that they needed another voice.
No! How much better would Star Wars have been if Darth Vader was from the West Country? "Yer Emperor, come over here, look.
Damo has put alloys on his X ring, "it looks fucking mint!" So much better! That's the problem with the West Country accent.
I love the West Country accent, I think it's one of the best accents in the country.
It's warm, it's a friendly accent, but it is impossible to sound sinister.
Like, greatest example of this, that Fred West drama.
Now, a very serious piece about a very terrible and evil person, but whenever he opened his mouth, you couldn't help but think, "Not quite evil enough.
" Oh, you What are you like, Fred? There were a lot of West Country traditions, though, that we did when I was at school.
I'm proud to say, when I was at school in the West Country, I genuinely, on a couple of occasions, had Morris dancing lessons.
We had a guy that used to come in and teach us, called Bernard, every week and I had to learn to Morris dance.
Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you do Morris dancing? Every other dance there is just exudes sexual passion.
Salsa, cha-cha-cha, tango.
Not Morris dancing.
It is impossible to get with a girl when you Morris dance.
You can't even fucking creep up on them because they hear the bells! I've done a lot of interesting things in my time here in Bristol.
One of the things I've been fortunate enough to do is go to a proper farmers' market.
I mean a real farmers' market.
I went to the one in Fishponds.
That's a real one, not like the shit in London.
We've got farmers' markets in London now.
There's one in Highgate.
It's not a farmers' market.
There's one store with this woman behind it called Eraminta, OK? And she sells cheese.
And you got all these different types of cheeses and, "Oh, would you care for this? "It's a Swiss gruyere from the Alpine peaks.
"Or maybe you would like this goat's cheese, "which is from the lost Aztec city of Santa Marignolle.
" I went to the Fishponds farmers' market.
I picked up a bit of cheese, asked the man where it was from, he went, "A farm!" That's a farmers' market.
Now, obviously, when you talk about Bristol, one of the things that springs to mind is your biggest celebrity, Banksy.
Banksy, who is, of course, from Bristol.
What I wanted to do what I wanted to do is find out just how much you guys love your local hero, Banksy.
How would you feel if Banksy, all right, did one of his guerrilla art pieces on your property? Happy? Sad? Or would you go completely mental? Banksy is the elusive Bristol-born graffiti artist whose work sells for millions.
Today, he exclusively reveals his identity for the first time.
Cos I fucking do, so deal with it.
But do the people of Bristol still love him? We find out as he is given us exclusive access to his latest piece of public art.
What, me? It's art.
It's your gaff, is it? Having a Banksy can dramatically increase a property's value, and most businesses would jump at the chance to have a tourist-attracting Banksy on their building.
What do I do in my spare time? Not much, I haven't got any, because I'm also The Stig.
A massive thank you to Michael and Ceri! Now, being here in Bristol, I obviously wanted to invite to the show someone with a little bit of local knowledge.
Joining me tonight is one of Bristol University's most famous alumni, a man who has given us some of the great comic creations of recent times.
If a person is a product of their environment, then Bristol is a tranny that can swim for fucking miles.
It's David Walliams! David Walliams! Wow! All right, my lovers.
OK.
Thank you very much for coming onto the show.
Thanks for having me.
Now, when you are in Bristol, you were a drama student.
Hm.
I applied to Bristol, I didn't get in.
No.
It's got a high level they set.
Um So Did you not get the grades? Well, I do a really good angry tree.
I thought that would seal it.
Well, we had to do something.
Simon Pegg was in the year above me, actually.
Wow.
But on, like, the first day we had to do, like, a drama exercise to get to know each other.
Do you want to try it? Yeah, great.
Lie down.
No, lie down.
Oh, sorry.
That's what I had to do at my interview.
Lie down, but don't tense.
Don't tense.
We had to do this thing where we rolled over each other.
They thought it was the best way for us to bond.
Now just imagine this.
I'm, like, about 16 stones, so just imagine I just sort of rolled over you like that and then you roll over me.
Yeah, don't say there.
And that was the trust exercise.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, I just So that's what it is.
It's all stupid things like that, isn't it? Being a drama student.
It's not a proper degree, is it? After that, they let you in? No, that was when you are ready in.
I thought that's how you get in, do that.
No, because that would be quite easy.
Yeah.
David, one of the things I do whenever I come to a new region is I sit my dad down and talk to him about it.
Oh, no.
You've met my dad before, haven't you? I met him and your mum.
What is your mother's name again? Hillary.
Hillary and Richard.
Michael.
Michael.
When I introduced David to my father, I stood with my dad and you and you looked at me and you just went, "I'd always assumed when I saw you on television that you were "a homosexual.
" Well, I did! He turned to my dad and my dad went, "Well, I did as well.
" So, I asked my dad about Bristol and I was expecting him to, you know, talk to me about the wonders of Victorian architecture or Clifton Suspension Bridge, something like that.
This is what he said.
I didn't want to play this, but the producers have insisted.
I find it quite troubling and very unnerving.
Here it is.
'So, I'm going to be going to the West Country.
' Well, of course, Kingsbridge in Devon, where I had It was the first time I had sex with your mother after we got Well, we hadn't got married.
We had been going out for some time.
We had the most amazing It was a boiling hot sort of summer's day.
And we were al fresco, I remember.
Please don't.
In an amazing field.
Don't.
With these beautiful trees.
And sort of knee-trembler came into my mind at one point.
It was rather a steep bank.
And, I mean, that, I suppose, is my most vivid memory of Devon.
Is the West Country and Kingsbridge.
With your mother.
Sex.
Well, actually, you know, if you put if you put Michael and Hillary into the Youporn search engine, there's actually quite a lot of films of them together.
Have you done that? No, I haven't.
There's some good ones on Youporn, but the harder stuff is on Regium.
It's a lovely thought, your mum and dad at it.
No! Both of them thinking about me.
You know, I didn't want to dwell on this area.
Cos I have an exciting little treat for you now, OK? Because when I came to the West Country, there was one element that screamed David Walliams to me.
And that is Morris dancing.
It's fun, it's flamboyant and a little bit odd, and I thought No, thank you! There's a man that's going to come up and teach us.
I'll do anything for you, Jack, you know that.
Thank you, David.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the Bristol Morris Men.
Um, so, Andy.
I am indeed.
You are like the head of the crew.
I am the squire of the Bristol Morris Men.
Cool.
One thing David will need is some bells.
Bells, yes, we've got bells.
Some sort of outfit.
If we could get David dressed in his Morris dancing attire.
That's a little bell.
That doesn't go there.
No-one else has got a bell.
It's a bell end.
It's very special.
I need to get ready as well, don't I? So Always ready for Morris dance, me.
Right, may the merriment begin! We'll see you in a bit with more West Country, more David Walliams and more of this! See you after the break! Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
I've spent my week discovering the brilliant West Country, and tonight I'm in Bristol with the wonderful David Walliams! Now, Mr Walliams.
Yes.
One of the things that I like to do when I come to a new region is to properly get involved, and I attempted to find someone that would let me live in their house for a bit.
And I put out an advert online and lots of people applied and we got lots of applications.
I actually in the end found an amazing family and really wanted to stay with them, they were brilliant.
And I fulfilled that lifelong ambition of mine, which was to play with a proper tractor.
I arrived at the family's house and in typical trusting country fashion they left the door wide open because, of course, murderers and thieves only operate in cities.
Do I ring the doorbell or just? I did the honourable thing, and poked around.
It's all a bit like a rural Sopranos.
Things looking up, just found pants.
So, girl's pants.
Age 14.
Right! Hello, this is the residence of um some farmers.
'Eventually, the family rang and told me to get down the pub.
' 'I obliged.
' 'I drank some of their shit and then I gave them a proper drink.
' Vodka and pineapple time.
So the family are absolutely lovely, shared a lot.
Will, the son, used to bully me at school.
How far away are we here from Marlborough? 30 minutes.
30 minutes? That's where I went to school.
Oh, you went to that posh twats' school! Are you one of those people that used to egg us? I didn't have any eggs, no, just bricks.
With no real bowling alley for miles, the locals built their own.
It was time to unleash the beast.
Watch out, sugar tits.
So, I've had some drinks with the family.
They're trying to get me up tomorrow at 5.
30.
Not going to happen.
Not only did they get me up at 5.
30, they also made me lend them a hand.
Are you left-handed or right-handed? Literally.
What is that? Is that its vag? Yeah.
Fuck me! You'll be fine.
You've got lovely warm hands.
So, we've just been checking the cows to feel the calf's head.
You want to go that hole.
The top one! Oh, my God, I'm fingering a cow! You should feel the top of the head.
Just keep going straight.
Ah! Argh! Stop it, stop contracting! Oh, fuck, it fanny farted on my hoodie! These are castration pliers.
Drop 'em me in and then Probably in a couple of weeks it'll just fall off.
Sometimes you're walking around and you just see a couple of hairy bollocks on the floor.
Really? Only one thing remained.
Fetch me my tractor.
Is now a good or a bad time to tell you that I don't have a driver's licence? 'Having trashed a Ј20,000 tractor it was probably time for a quick exit, 'but it's safe to say that Bristol had left an indelible mark.
' Still a bit pooey.
And the Kingston family are with me here tonight! I have a new-found respect for dairy farmers after my stay with you.
That was literally the weirdest thing I've ever had to do, the hand in the cow's fanny.
It was the arsehole.
It was the arsehole? You made me put it in the arse?! Was that the arse? You might like that, I don't know.
So I wasn't even feeling around for a cow? You were fucking with me, Will? It was terrible.
It kept contracting.
Was it very tight on your hand? At first, it was quite loose.
And I thought, "This cow needs to get one of those Davina videos "and do a couple of exercises because it's not keeping in shape.
" Then all of a sudden it just, like, tried to suck me in, properly drag me into it.
What was it like when you put your penis in? Was it the same? A massive thank you to the Kingston family! Bristol has some very interesting characters.
One of your most famous creations on Little Britain was Vicky Pollard.
Now, was Vicky Pollard based on someone from Bristol? Well, Matt also went to Bristol University and he did a documentary where he went round asking people, "How are you?" in and around Broadmead shopping centre.
And he got this one boy who went, "Yeah, I'm all right or something or nothing, you know.
"I don't really know, or nothing or something.
" Like that.
And it really amused him, and he would do the voice for years and years and years.
Then when we were writing Little Britain we created this character based around that, the most inarticulate person in the world.
So, yes.
It got the biggest cheer when we were touring here live.
I don't think people were You weren't insulted, were you, Bristol? No.
- It was touch and go, wasn't it? - "N-o-o.
" There was a sense of threat behind it, wasn't there? "N-o-o, but, yeah, but! So, yeah, and we hopefully put Bristol on the map.
Around the world people go, "That's what all people from Bristol are like!" Vicky Pollard.
My time in the West Country is nearly up.
Thank you so much for coming on the show, David Walliams! Thank you.
The West Country, you've been brilliant, just as brilliant as I expected.
If anyone asks me what I've learned here, I shall simply show them this.
And hey, West Country Tourist Board, if you want to use it, get in touch.
Take a journey to the West Country.
Marvel at nature's beauty.
You can ramble through fields, breathe in the fresh country air, or put your hand in a cow's vagina.
It's where families can experience the unexpected.
Hello, Gran! And children live out the best days of their lives.
It's the home of cutting-edge architecture, dance music, technology.
Oh, and art.
So relax into the laid-back pace of life.
Visit the West Country.
Good times.
I've had an amazing time here in the West Country and I want to thank everyone who made it so remarkable.
David Walliams! The Kingston family! And the West Country public for joining in.
Thank you for watching.
See you next week on the next stage of my tour.
To play us out tonight, it's Example! Here it goes.
What? Bristol! Go! Oi! Bounce! All together now.
Here we go.
Oi! Is everybody still here? From the front to the back, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Keep it going.
Thank you.