Hitmen (2020) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Help! Let me go! Oi! Hey, lady! Are you deaf? Help! (SIGHS) I told you, there's no point shouting.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Why do you have to do it out here though? I fucking hate nature, man! Worms and dragonflies trying to get into my goatee and shit! Well, you shouldn't have shagged the boss's latest fiancée, should you? Listen, you wouldn't understand.
But I'm a man.
And sometimes, a man's gotta do what a man's got Oh! - (BUZZING) - What's that buzzing? Is it on my face? I can feel its feet on my face! (SIGHS) Graves always take so much longer to dig than you think, don't they? Jamie? - Are you gonna help? - Hm? Oh sorry, I was just thinking.
I'm thinking I'm finally ready to have a baby, Fran.
Yeah you're nearly 50, I mean, you're in your prime.
This is something you've talked about with Colin, is it? Colin? Um impossibly hot swimwear model? Works with disadvantaged kids? - Your boyfriend, Colin.
- Oh, that Colin.
Sorry, he's very forgettable.
No, I think this is something I could do on my own.
Please let me sit on a mat, or a little chair or something.
That bug's been eyeing me up for the last 20 minutes.
I swear man's got designs on me.
You had sex with a crime boss's trophy bride in the toilets of his strip club and you're scared of a few creepy-crawlies? I mean, don't get me wrong, I know there are downsides.
Is it fair to bring a child into all this? - Yeah, our job.
- Our world, Fran.
War, climate change, those Thai boys still stuck in that bloody cave! Got out two years ago, Jamie? Do you have any idea how much responsibility it is bringing up a child? Well, think what you like, I know I can do it.
OK, prove me wrong then.
Look after this egg for 24 hours.
Bet you can't.
- An egg? - An egg.
It's like one of those responsibility exercises.
You have to treat it exactly as you'd treat a newborn.
Piece of cake.
You're on.
That one doesn't count.
(ENGINE STARTS) Oh, shit! (LAUGHS) (BUZZING) Ugh! Ugh! Aaargh! Oh, shit! God, he's in the woods.
Come on! We need to hurry up and find this guy.
Mr K's gonna lose his shit if we don't finish this job.
This guy's dangerous.
He ripped off somebody's arm and used it as a club to beat him to death.
Oh, that sounds painful.
How do you know this is the right way? Because this place is teeming with signs and symbols.
What's this? A piece of poo? Jamie this just isn't any old poo.
This is It's fresh wolf faeces.
How does it lead us to the target? - It doesn't.
- So why did you just lick that poo? I don't know.
- What are you doing? - Just, er putting the finishing touches to my egg baby.
Why does he look like Hitler? - What are you talking about? - His tache.
- It's a nose.
- Er that's ridiculous! You told me to treat the egg like a real baby.
Real babies have faces.
It's Motherhood 101.
Well, I think Motherhood 101 is not dressing up your baby to look like it's dreaming of a 1,000-year Reich.
Anyway, we need to get the target.
It's that way.
(COW MOOS) There's a herd of bulls there, so - There's a path there.
- Yes, it's this way.
(COWS MOO, BIRDS SING) (PANTING) Oh, this is knackering.
Where is he? I could have sworn the noise was coming from here.
Fran, what if we can't find our way back and get stranded? Will we have to drink each other's piss? Why each other's? I mean, surely you just drink your own piss.
Good point.
Huh, the jungle is no place for a child.
The woods Jamie.
This is Surrey, not the Amazon.
We're only two miles from the nearest Laura Ashley.
Oh, God.
We're lost, aren't we? Well, lucky for you, you're with a trained survivalist.
Weren't you kicked out of the Brownies after two weeks? I mean, I think I was too good and that can be very intimidating for little ones.
Wasn't it 'cos you knocked Jessica Baldwin off the climbing frame? It was an accident.
- But - The inquiry was a sham.
Didn't prove anything.
And you never got your cleanliness badge.
I don't think about it now, to be honest, it was irrelevant.
Anyway, my Uncle Feurlin, ex-SAS, taught me all the techniques he used to track the Taliban.
And later, illegally Cherie Blair.
- What's the first rule of the wilderness? - There are no rules? No.
Pool your resources.
Let's empty our pockets.
Good thinking.
You see? You're at it already.
Oh, hello.
- I've been looking for this for ages.
- A slide whistle? In another situation, this could come in very handy.
What, when we're working as Edwardian stage hands? Come on, we need to focus.
We need to track the target.
And, as any trained survivalist knows, you have to head in a single direction and you do not deviate.
Last thing you do is double back on yourself.
OK? Oh, for f ! How did that happen? Shall we try another single direction? - This way.
- Wha ? (FLUTE PLAYING) Jamie, what are you doing? You'll give away our position.
I need to play music to Pip.
They say it makes your child smarter.
This whole treating an egg like your baby WAS your idea.
Yeah, OK.
Well, you win, all right? You're going to be an incredible mother, so let's move on and drop it - so we can get on with the job.
- Nice try, Fran.
You'll have to work a lot harder to make me fail this test.
(PLAYS FLUTE) New rule of the wilderness: no slide whistle.
- I'm hungry, Fran.
- Mm.
Well, if you do want something to eat, there's an obvious solution.
- That's my boy you're talking about.
- Imagine him on toast.
Hey what if HE'S watching US? You know, sort of hunter becomes the hunted sort of thing? I bet he's whittled himself a weapon by now.
As long as he doesn't sneak up on us, we're fine.
OK? Trust me.
There is nothing to be scared of.
- Aaargh! - Arrrgh! - What is that, Fran? - I don't know.
There be witches in this jungle.
Again, not a jungle.
Quick, it's getting dark, we need to go.
(OWL HOOTS) (TWIG SNAPPING) What was that? I told you he was hunting us, Fran.
Probably just an animal or something.
What are you making? One of Uncle Feurlin's mantraps.
He used to surprise us with them at Christmas.
And if we don't snare the target, we're bound to get something to eat.
- Oh, I am starving.
- God, me too.
Do you still think about having kids, Fran? Oh, I don't know.
I mean I always thought about adopting, but it was never the right time, or right person.
Still, I've got Joao now, anyway.
From what I make, there's no way I could afford him, - his relatives and a child.
- His relatives? Got five of his uncles over from Rio.
They're back? How come? Oh, they're doing some samba contest.
They're practising pretty hard from the sound of it.
Mainly at night.
Oh, I need a pee.
- Can you watch Pip? - Yeah, sure.
(SHIVERS) (SNIFFS) Oh, God, this is ridiculous, it's just an egg.
- Fran! - Oh, er this isn't what it looks like.
Um All right, it is what it looks like.
Oh, I was so hungry.
You were about to eat my baby.
Oh, it's not your baby, it's just an egg.
It's just it's a delicious egg.
You wanted me to fail the test, that's what this is about.
Don't be ridiculous, it was just a stupid idea.
You couldn't bear that I'd prove you wrong for once.
- Prove me wrong? - Yeah, show you I've got responsibility and do stuff on my own.
You've been responsible for an egg for almost five hours.
- I've been responsible for you my entire life! - What does that mean? Who's the one sweating their tits off digging a grave? Who's the one constantly phoning Mr K to make sure he doesn't kill us? But it's not enough that I've got Joao and his uncles, who are not his uncles because they're half his age, and that's definitely not samba going on in that bedroom.
That's homeopathic levels of samba.
Then I've got you, and I have to be responsible for you.
You're my egg.
I'm going to look for the target on my own.
If I stay here, I'll be found in six months wearing a squirrel pelt for a nappy, getting breast-fed by a fox.
Yeah? Sounds fun.
- I prefer being on my own.
- Yeah.
(SQUAWKING) And that wasn't even a real bird.
(SQUAWKS) I knew that.
(BIRDS SING) Fran? (GIGGLING) Huh! Oh! Ohhh! (LAUGHTER) Jamie? Jamie! (GIGGLING) - (MANIC LAUGHTER) - Ohh! Hello.
You found our bird house then.
Are you OK, sir? Come on, mind the string.
And the sticks.
- Aaaarggh! - Aaaaargh! My God, it's you.
Why have you got socks on your hands? Only way to keep the bugs out, innit? Bugs do some fucked-up shit.
My cousin knew this guy who went camping for his stag-do, went for a shit and used a leaf to wipe his arse, and the leaf had this weird bug on it, and the bug got inside him.
Then, on his wedding day, he opened his mouth to say I do, but all that came out was loads of bugs.
(SIGHS) (GUNSHOT) (GROANING) Agh! Ohh! (GUNSHOT) Ohh! Aagh! (GUNSHOT) Are you hungry? We're about to have breakfast.
Yeah, I'm really - Er, no, I've got to do something.
- What? Oh, nothing, I'm just looking for a friend.
- We've got home-made granola.
- I've got no time, I can't.
It would be easier to find your friend if you had something to eat.
OK, let's have granola.
ALL: Yeah! Any funny business Right, um any grown-ups looking after you guys today, or ? Yeah, Brown Owl.
But she's having one of her naps.
(SNORING) (GROANING) Oi! Agh! Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya Agh! Aargh! Agh! Give it Why have you got an egg on your head? It's a responsibility exercise, I'm thinking of having a kid.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God, there's a massive spider on your head! - Aargh! (GUNSHOT) Right, that's not funny! Entomophobia is a serious medical condition, recognised by the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
- Whatever, I'm done with this shit! - (CLICK) - (CLICK) - Oh! I think that might have been my last bullet.
Fuck this bullshit.
(SIGHS) Fran! Fran! Fran! (BIRDS SING) And that's how she died.
Oh, thanks, guys, really.
It's just work in progress, but I appreciate that.
I've had so much fun.
Jessica Baldwin will be spinning in her grave.
- Who's that? - Nobody.
You cheered me up, though, seriously.
I appreciate it.
But I'd better go.
- Aww! - What were you sad about? I had an argument with my best mate and I'm worried we might not be friends any more.
That's like me and Amy.
We had a fight when I used up all her blue sparkle pen, but then I gave her my pen that smells like strawberry.
Now we're friends again.
Will you play us a song before you go? - No.
- Please, sir! No, you're just doing that on purpose.
ALL: Please! Come on! - Play us one song.
- No.
- No, really.
- One song.
- Oh, all right, all right.
- One song.
But bear with because this is a new medium.
OK? Um, I call this one Pain.
(PLAYS FLUTE) (DISTANT FLUTE PLAYING) Ohh! Who's that? Jamie! - Why are you covered in mud? - What are you wearing? Well what are YOU wearing? I managed to find our friend.
- Oh.
- And I tagged him.
Then I lost him.
I lost my gun nge I lost my gunge.
I hate when that happens.
I can't believe you lost him, Jamie.
Well, at least I hit him tagged him.
If you'd been there to help.
- Yeah, well, I've been busy.
- Doing what? - We played Double Dutch.
- Not now, Haley.
Right, you can't get annoyed if you were here having a lovely time with your friends.
- I was out there, on my own, darkness falling - Excuse me (THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER) Guys! We are going to sort this out.
A strawberry-flavoured pencil won't solve this one, Haley.
What's the first rule of being a Brownie? - There are no rules.
- No, that'd be terrible.
The first rule is: I promise to do my best and to be kind and helpful.
Is shouting at each other kind and helpful? - No, it isn't.
- Not really, no.
Right, then, apologise.
I'm sorry, Haley.
Not to me, to each other.
I'm sorry, Fran.
I'm sorry, Jamie.
I am sorry, I really am, I never meant to say that.
You're not my egg.
(CHUCKLES) I think I took that egg baby thing a bit too far, actually.
I don't really think I'm that cut out to be a mother yet anyway.
D'you know what? I'm just going to hang back and let it just lie for a few years.
- Yeah, I mean, no rush.
- Oh, and to show that I'm really sorry I'd like you to eat him.
- Aw, that's a lovely gesture.
- Isn't it a lovely gesture? Listen, I'd love to, - but I've just had lots of granola.
- Eat it! All of it.
Pip's tasty, isn't he? Come on.
Oh, no, sorry, clean uniform.
- Oh, you've got your cleanliness badge.
- Yay! Oh, thanks, guys.
That's too much.
Three, two, one go! Come on, guys! Pull! (ALL SHOUTING) - You can do it, come on! - Pull! - Come on! - Keep pulling.
Come on! - (ALL SHOUTING) - Come on! You'll get your pulling things badge.
BROWNIES: Yeah! So, if my friend was still lost in the woods, how would he get out? I don't know.
(TALKS GIBBERISH) - She means that there's a road near there.
- Great.
Bye, girls.
- Dib dib.
- Bye! ALL: Bye! - Bye! - Bye! ALL: Bye! Bye! Bye! We've been driving up and down for two hours! - He's got to come out at some point.
- Maybe he already has.
Well, if he has, then it's simple: we are totally fucked.
- (PHONE BUZZES) - Oh, God, it's Mr K again.
- I have to speak to him.
- And say what? I don't know.
I'll just have to make something up, say there's been a delay.
Mr K, hi.
Sorry, terrible reception here, so, um, the job, yeah, no There's just a small issue, really tiny, actually.
- I didn't want to bother you with it - Fran, look.
Um, Boss, could you just give us a few seconds? Fuck! (CLUNKING) Boss, um I don't think he's going to be bothering your girlfriend any more.
Brownies'll clear that up, won't they? I presume there's a badge for it.
We're not gonna kill you here.
This is awaiting.
We're not savages.
Time for us to show Aunty Jamie what a good boy you are.
Fuck! (BOTH SCREAMING) - Can you calm down? - (GUNSHOT) I I don't want to get shot and die, so obviously fucking no!
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