Hitmen (2020) s01e04 Episode Script


1 I I I'm in the middle of my set.
- If this is a prank - Shut up.
Jamie, get his phone.
Is this real? I've told you, and I will not tell you again.
W w what's this even about? I am an innocent man! Yeah, well, you can tell Mr K, 'cos he knows what you've done.
Cards on the table.
Have I been cutting Mr K's coke with laundry detergent to give myself a couple of cheeky extra baggies to deal at weddings? Yes.
Have there been any hospitalisations? Yes.
But, did most people have a bloody good time? Abso-bloody-lutely! This tribute act thing was a really good idea, Fran.
- Perfect cover.
- Yeah.
I did have one little note.
Um I found that the beginning of Mrs Robinson, the, "Whoa, whoa, whoa," is just a bit off.
- It felt sort of pentatonic.
- Wh-whoa, wh Whoa, whoa, whoa Look, look, won't you just let me go? Please.
What's the big deal, anyway? It is cocaine, not Ferrero Rocher it's not supposed to taste nice.
No, w w w wait.
Where are you taking me? We're not gonna kill you here, it'd ruin the vibe.
This is a wedding! We're not savages.
Move, move! In.
I will shoot you.
Get in! Drama queen! Does that thing really have to stay in here? That thing has a name: that's Elton, thank you very much.
And, yes, he does! If I left him at home, he'd completely destroy the place.
Ripped through my bathroom door, it was like something out of a canine Shining! - God, I've gotta take this off, haven't I? - One smooth move.
Ow! Told you it was a bad idea bringing that mutt with us from the target's house.
What did you want me to do? Leave him to starve to death? It's nuts! - It's wearing a muzzle! - Yes, and I hate that muzzle.
I find it deeply inhumane.
I might have only known Elton for 24 hours, but we're already bonding.
Can't Joao do some dog-sitting? - At least while we're working.
- We've had a row, unfortunately.
I finally got rid of his "uncles", after I found them using my bedroom to take what can only be described as "family portraits".
- Anyway, he's gone off in a huff.
- Where's he gone? Don't know.
Taken my car, though, which is - good.
- Oh, mate.
I don't know how you put up with it.
Stop being so relentlessly negative, Jamie.
There's always a plus side.
Well, I mean Anyway, you don't need to worry about Elton.
He's a gentle soul at heart.
Oh! Jesus! Shall I give him a treat or ? Use the stick, 'cos otherwise h h he will eat your hands off.
There we go.
Ooh, there's a there's a good dog.
There's a good doggy.
Is there a part of this process where I won't be very frightened? You just need to work out what riles him up and what calms him down.
It's easy.
For example, if I play this Oh, God, that's the wrong one! It's triggered him! Come on! Oh, that's it.
That's the one that really calms him down.
He'll settle down nicely now.
He loves it! Oh, Fran, the dog's been sick.
This bumpy track must be making him queasy.
Right, I'm gonna have to pull over, I'm gonna have to let him out.
Oh, look, Fran: the bride and groom have got a little caravan for their wedding night.
Isn't that lovely? Hello.
Shit! OK.
Just Oh, God.
Sorry? - Argh! - What is it? I need my medication.
I i it's in my inside jacket pocket.
Thank you.
Right, this is just drugs, isn't it? Well, drugs, medicine, it's all basically the same, really, isn't it? Change one molecule of cocaine, it's Ritalin.
Change one molecule of ketamine and you've got Calpol.
Really? My cousin took some drugs on his gap year, and 20 years later, he still thinks he's a baby on a Ferris wheel.
Look, i i if I'm gonna die, what's the harm in one last line? Oh, look, come on, just tap some of that white stuff on the back of your hand, and Mr Schnoz will do the rest.
Yeah, that's it.
All right.
That's nice.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, see? Jamie doesn't know what she's talking about.
You're just grumpy 'cos of this horrible muzzle.
That's it.
A bit more.
Worried you're gonna run out? Come on, come on.
That's it.
I don't think we need this Hannibal Lecter thing, we can just There you go.
Right, time for us to show Auntie Jamie what a good boy you are.
It's all part of the process.
It's just trust.
It's give, it's take.
Fuck! Oh! Fuck! - If - Yeah? - If my hernia has popped out again - Oh, I'm sorry, Grandma.
Yeah? Grandma's strong, though, isn't she? Yeah? She's quite strong.
Jamie, run! Nice dog.
Quick, quick, quick! Get in! Ah! Oh, my foot's really killing me.
I think it got through to the bone! Oh, gonna have to shoot him from here.
Can you come down? I I I don't wanna get shot and die, so obviously fucking not! Fran, my foot's actually kind of throbbing now.
Oh, come off it, mate! It's not like you can go anywhere! Yeah, you might as well let us shoot you and then we can all go home.
I have sat through 30 father-of-the-bride speeches this year alone.
I I'm pretty sure you are gonna get bored and give up before I do.
Also, I am absolutely off my fucking tits! How are we gonna finish this with your psycho dog in the way? To be honest, I'm sure he'll completely calm down in a minute.
Oh, Jesus, God! - I told you he was crazy.
- P p put the music on! Music.
Oh, God, not Dido! He gets triggered by Dido! We all get triggered by Dido! Just Don't make it louder! Shit! It's the boss.
Turn if off.
Turn it off.
TURN IT OFF! Hello, Mr K.
Uh Everything's perfectly on track.
The hit's almost done.
The barking? Erm That's Jamie watching the semi-finals of Crufts on her iPad.
I will absolutely tell her to stop fucking around.
What the fuck? Yeah, we'll give you a call when it's erm He's ramming the van! Uh Yeah.
- Uh - Fran, are we gonna die? We will get back to you as soon as it's done, OK? I think he's gone.
Oh, God.
Mr K's getting impatient.
Surely that clown can't stay up there much longer? - What are you doing? - Trying to find some painkillers.
My foot feels far too big, Fran.
- What's in there? - Oh, it's the target's.
He'll definitely have something we can take.
Oh, no! - That stuff is only good for frying your brain.
- Yeah, but it's all just medicine, though, isn't it? I mean, change one molecule of Calpol and you get ketamine.
That's categorically not true.
I think you'll find it is.
Look, I think you and I both know there's only one way we're gonna get this job done before my foot bursts though my shoe.
I know this is gonna be difficult for you, so I'll take care of Elton.
No! Nobody is going to "take care" of Elton! - Do you think you might have a bit of a problem? - What? You do seem to get attached to things that aren't very nice to you.
No, I I don't know what you mean.
Look, what Joao and I have works for me, OK? You might not get it, but it's nice to come home to something stable at the end of the day, after doing this.
Yes, I don't love him.
Yes, he doesn't love me.
Yes, we really do not ever want to sleep together.
But he's dependable.
I thought he'd run off with your car again? OK, he's he's not that dependable at the moment, but Why am I even justifying myself to you? You don't even know what commitment is.
Er That's not even true! Colin? You started ghosting him for no reason.
- I mean, he's perfect! - Yeah, perfectly boring.
Ugh! He's got really intense and clingy.
See, there's always an excuse with you, isn't there? I'm not expecting Jeremy Irons or anything, but - Jeremy Irons? - Voice of Scar, mate.
Scar is a cartoon lion.
Plus, not even the fittest lion in the film.
- Er - Ah-ah! Nala, for sure.
Mufasa second.
- At a push, I think probably teenage Simba.
- Fran.
What? Where's Elton? OK.
All right.
You wait here.
I'm gonna finish off this coke-head.
Argh! No sudden - moves.
- HE'S BEHIND YOU! He's behind you.
No, no, no! This is my area! Get your own wedding caravan! Ow! Ow! How the tables have turned.
Well, they haven't.
Now we're both stuck up here.
Yeah, Jamie, I'm on the roof.
This roof.
That's me.
I know it's a bad bite, but you really have to focus, OK? - Should I try pissing on my foot? - No.
No, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Why not? It really hurts! Because it's for jellyfish stings, it's not for open wounds, is it? I had to do that once, actually.
Two Turkish lands in Magaluf.
They were in absolute agony.
Quick as a flash, smashed a Pepsi Max, hosed them both down, bosh! Great.
Can you just, please, shut up.
Jamie, you need to get here now.
I don't care how you do it, just get yourself here, all right? - Ow! - There is plenty more where that came from.
There's precisely one more where that came from.
Listen, focus.
Get yourself here before someone else sees us.
- OK, I'll do my best.
- Ow! Oh.
The person you are calling is not available.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Look, th th this dog is not going anywhere.
- Can't we just make a deal? - Shh! Joao, hi.
It's me.
Er Listen, I'm not sure if you're coming back home with my car, but I probably won't make it back, so I've left some caldo verde in the fridge and I've taped Michael Portillo Behind Bars.
I think this week he's in Pentonville.
I know it's your favourite.
Oh, I'm rambling.
Erm Ciao, Joao.
Marriage troubles, is it? It's none of your business.
Look, I have DJ'd a fuck-tonne of weddings, and if you want my advice - I don't want your advice.
- it's all bullshit.
Love, relationships, marriages, the lot.
Yeah, well, forgive me if I don't take advice from a shoeless man in a tree.
This isn't an Austrian folk tale.
Come on, Jamie, pull yourself together.
It's just medicine.
Ah Ooh Jamie, psst.
What? Jamie, it's me, Fran.
You're a dog, Fran.
What? Of course I'm a dog! Let me in and I'll explain everything.
Yeah No.
I don't I don't think that's a good idea.
- You wanna finish the job, don't you? - Yeah.
If you haven't heard from your husband in over a week, there is a 100% chance that he is off somewhere, - banging another woman.
- Oh, I think there's 0% chance of that, actually.
Well, feel free to bury your head in the sand.
I'm just saying, at the end of the day, you can't trust anyone else.
Sooner or later, everyone learns you are alone in this world and no-one is coming to save you.
That's it, Jamie.
Start to open the door.
Yeah Almost there! DIE! Fran! Jamie! Fran! I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Jamie, help.
Let's do this.
Did you see me, Fran? Elton was trying to bring me down, but my legs were too full of, like, this weird energy.
Oh! Thanks, Jamie.
- I can't believe you tried to hang me! - Er You tried to kill me! Yeah, well, that's just my job.
It's different.
Have you got the gun? - Oh, shit! - Great.
Oh, I was so busy with the armour, and then the smells were like And then, obviously, you were the dog and - You're on drugs, aren't you? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- On the plus side, I feel good! I feel kind of amazing.
I feel like I could punch a train! Yeah, although technically, anyone can punch a train.
You guys aren't very good at this, are you? Do you know what, I don't normally enjoy my job, but I have to say, I'm gonna relish blowing your fucking head off! Look, Fran, it's the bride and groom.
Hang on.
She's pulled the chef! - Oh, fuck off! - I'm gonna get the gun.
Don't leave me! Fucking hell! - Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah? What are you gonna do, pinch me to death? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Actually, I I I think I'm all right.
You just killed my fucking dog.
This target used to work for Mr.
K before she went completely insane.
I have not seen one single sign that she is into it.
- I got us a room.
- What? - I need to borrow your car.
I - What? No way.
I and my asshole is in tatters.
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