Hoff The Record (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

The Movie

1 He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin Wall.
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame.
But where did the viewers go? .
.
when Baywatch was pulled by US promoters.
Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? And another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make.
David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
I don't want to say that people don't want to employ him in the States.
But I am not sure that people in the entertainment industry want to employ him in the States.
Max is my UK manager and he convinced me to come over here because he was going to change my career.
I just thought that I needed a change.
Sometimes, change is good.
"Hoff-Meister! Max here.
can't wait to see you in London.
"Great news! We've got a green light on the film.
"You are going to star in your own biopic, we're back in the big time.
"As you know, we are on a budget.
"So I have got a slightly smaller entourage than usual but, individually, they are large people.
" I am Harriet.
I am your new assistant.
I literally cannot believe it's you.
Are you, like, a hologram? Are you? Can I touch you? Where is my normal driver? Oh, my name is Terry.
Where is my manager? Max is meeting us at the film studio.
So who else have you been a PA for? Um, no-one.
For the past four years, I've been studying for a PhD in malaria.
That's great work experience for this kind of job, huh? Um, do you mind if I ask you a question, Mr Hoff? Go ahead.
Did you ever shag Pamela Anderson or is she the world's biggest prick tease? No, Terry.
It would have been extremely unprofessional to have sex with any of the Baywatch cast.
I mean, that's just highly unprofessional.
I did not have sex with anyone in the Baywatch cast.
Oh! Fucking hell, Hoff! You've got that banter on lock, mate.
I know what you mean.
I know what you mean, lad! Since I was a teenager, I used to watch the Hoff, yeah? I mean, it sounds a bit gay saying it now but I have actually knocked one out to him, not to him, but I was watching Baywatch, obviously for Pammy, yeah? In the motion, last frame, Hoff.
So I actually climaxed to the Hoff.
So Pamela Anderson reminds me of this one girl that I was seeing.
She had a massive pair of tits but with tiny nipples, like a child's nipple.
Do you know what I mean? And she was lovely.
Is he going to be with us the whole time? Yes.
Oh, my God! I came over to the UK because of Max.
He called me and he said they're going to do this really cool art film or biopic, which will be an accurate chronological description of your life, you know.
I figure, maybe they will probably have somebody playing me when I am young because I can't play myself at eight.
You know, I mean, I can play maybe 18.
Just a quick selfie, if you don't mind! Um Um Really quick, really quick.
Hey, lads.
Don't post that! I promise I won't.
Which one of you is David Hasselhoff? I'm David Hasselhoff.
Hi.
Millie.
I'm the associate producer of the film.
I am going to be taking you through.
Where is Max? I just need to talk to Max.
No, I don't have a Max, sorry.
He's my manager.
Oh! One of the David Hasselhoffs has apparently lost a guy called Max.
Did she say "one of the David Hasselhoffs"? Wait here! Josh will be with you in a moment.
Thank you.
Hi.
What are you guys doing here? I'm here to play David Hasselhoff.
Sorry? I'm auditioning to play David Hasselhoff.
Are you here to do the same thing? You are kidding, right? I need to find Max.
Now, now! Max! I am looking for a Max Coleman.
Sorry? How would you feel? Yeah.
Confused.
I met David at the Pride of Britain Awards in 2007.
Um, he was presenting an award to a dog who had saved a busload of schoolchildren and I was trying to sign up the dog.
Um, unfortunately, missed out on that, got David.
David has gone on to earn at least a quarter of what the dog has earned, so I don't regret it.
Finally, he arrives.
Hasselhoff! You randy old horn dog! What the hell is going on? I've got a driver who is educationally challenged and an assistant who's never been an assistant before.
I think I'm having an LSD flashback because behind me are a bunch of guys who are auditioning to play David Hasselhoff.
Now is that crazy or what? OK, I think we need to talk about this outside.
I think so.
Yeah.
OK.
OK, listen, I know it feels very unorthodox, I will give you that.
You need to understand, there is a lot of buzz around this film.
So much buzz, it's difficult to hear.
No, no, the only buzz I hear is my brain disconnecting from seeing those David Hasselhoffs in there.
This is your story, this is your film.
The best thing you can do is act normal.
The director would like to see you now.
Thank you.
I have a few questions for him.
David, time to get the game face on.
I will be with you every step of the way.
No, not you.
Only the David Hasselhoff can come into the room.
OK, yeah.
I will be with you but outside waiting! OK, ready? Joy! I hesitate to say that David is here out of desperation.
But, for want of a better phrase, David is here out of desperation.
Hoff! Hello.
I am a huge fan, ever since you dazzled the world with Knight Rider.
Ha! Thank you for those kind words, very nice to meet you.
I don't know what you've been told about my method but I like a fluid process.
What exactly is a fluid process? Why don't you take a seat? OK.
Have you got representation? No.
You lot could work as a boy band, actually.
Interested in that? The movie I'm making is The Seven Ages Of David Hasselhoff.
I'm making it because his story is incredible.
My vision is to have seven different actors, different races, gender and age, to play you at various points in your life.
So, let me get this straight, I am not playing the Hoff the whole time? It was weird.
He was kind of He assumed that, because he is David Hasselhoff, he could actually play David Hasselhoff.
The David Hasselhoff story is a comment on celebrity.
What happens when the music stops? Yeah, that's good.
What do you mean, "when the music stops"? The music hasn't stopped.
The music has never stopped playing.
I hear music all the time.
You won't be involved in this workshop.
We'll get the younger ones in.
You're more than welcome to watch if you want.
But later, we'll get you back in to play Hasselhoff at 60 with the older ones.
What do you have here, Millie? What? What? Right, so we've got child Hoff, played by a person of minute stature for child labour laws.
Yeah.
We also have teenage Hoff, Hoff in his 20s and Hoff in his 30s.
Just a second, I don't want to play Hasselhoff at 60, OK? I know that I am 62 but I should play a much younger Hoff, like in his 30s.
I am still in good shape.
That's really funny.
How about 40? I like the arrogance.
Get in line, give it a go.
Thank you.
How long before the bomb is due to go off, KITT? Wow! That was good.
That was really good.
Keep your scanners peel peeled! Nice.
I like that.
Keep your scanners peeled! I don't know about David.
You are the car! You are the car! Brrrmmm! Brrrmmm! Brrrmmm! What's up with the car? Argh! Brrrmmm! Brrrmmm! Woah! No more sound.
Buster Keaton.
KITT, get me out of here! I think it's a no.
You four were really good.
He is an actor.
He is Marlon Brando.
He is not as good as Marlon Brando.
I've grown up watching all of his TV shows, all of his films, even the shit ones.
David's acting style is strange.
I understand that, in the '80s, it would be seen as good because it was a lot of slow motion.
I see a woman drowning there! Let's go and get her.
You've hit the water, you're swimming.
No pulse.
Get her to shore.
She'll be dead at that rate, get her back! Still no pulse.
She's dead.
No, she can't be dead yet.
Come on, guys, she'll drown.
No, I can't drown, I am already dead, aren't I? For God's sake! What's your name? Imre.
Imre? You are doing really well.
You say a lot more than they do without saying anything.
I wanted to hit the director but I've never hit anybody that small.
Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it! This is not a workshop, this is a fricking audition! Are you telling me that I might not even be in my own biopic? Bob Dylan wasn't in the Bob Dylan biopic.
Well, I am sure he didn't have to audition for his own biopic, did he? He probably had better things to do.
Yeah, I am sure he did.
Let's take a break.
Max! How did it go? I have no idea what my film is about.
Excuse me! Who is that? That's Marcus Forster.
Josh is a huge fan.
He is going to play one of the Hoffs.
He is playing one of me? Ah! He played Hamlet when he was 12, I think he can manage.
He's probably one of the best actors in the world right now, along with you.
Pffff! Dm-dm-dm-dm-dm-dm! Bm-bm-bfff! So I spent the last three weeks sleeping rough on a beach underneath a pier in Santa Monica.
You know, I trained extensively with the lifeguard.
The rehearsal room is a lamppost and I am just going to piss all over it.
A lot of actors are scared to bring that level of piss to the table.
Marcus Forster is a genius.
You can tell by the way he speaks that he's very intelligent.
Question! Would I be playing David as a baby? Put that down.
I'm sorry.
Wait outside, please.
I'm sorry.
Really, I'm sorry.
I just The workshop felt more like an audition to me.
But I really want to have another go at the workshop, you know.
OK.
Oh! Excuse me, we haven't met.
I'm My name is David Hasselhoff.
So is mine.
OK.
OK.
When there is a biopic of someone's life, the person that movie is based on tends to be in it.
You know, it's very difficult to think of a biopic that didn't feature the person who it was based Lincoln didn't feature him, obviously, Ray and JFK.
Come to think of it, it's very difficult to think of a biopic that has featured the person that the biopic is based on.
So this is an opportunity to buck the trend.
We are going to improvise a scene of Knight Rider.
Go! All right, buddy.
They've got guns.
They are gaining on us.
They've got guns.
They're shooting at us, KITT.
Pick up the pace.
Turbo boost! Turbo boost! Waaahhhhhhh! Stop! Marcus, what are you thinking? I still think that Michael Knight wouldn't say it the way David is saying it.
Agreed.
Yeah.
It just What? It just didn't feel What? I would agree with you, Marcus.
I've done 98 hours of Knight Rider.
I think I know how to do it.
Yeah, I've just watched 98 hours of Knight Rider, so Plus the TV movies.
I'll show you what I mean.
Take his place.
David, please remove yourself.
Thank you, brother.
Now watch Marcus do it.
Oh, KITT, these guys are on our ass.
You've got to charge it up, buddy.
But before we do, open up Twitter real quick, I want to send a tweet.
Bad guys on my tail, scary but fun.
Hashtag knight-riding ain't easy but somebody's got to do it.
Hashtag YOLO.
Hashtag grateful.
Hashtag bless.
Tweet that.
First of all, it's illegal to tweet while you are driving and can cause serious accidents.
So, obviously he was, like, you know, not caring about all the other people on the road and the theme of Knight Rider is one man can make a difference.
Not one man can crash into other cars.
That was incredible, Marcus.
Cool.
OK, in this one, Marcus, you are 30-year-old Hoff.
OK.
OK? Yeah.
Hoff, you are 60-year-old Hoff.
You know what? I am still in good shape.
Brraww! I think I can play 30-year-old Hoff.
Yeah.
I want you to do 60.
OK, all right, I'll do 60.
No, 70.
70? Come here.
Face each other, it's a mirror, it's a mirror game.
OK.
So you've seen the younger version of yourself, a better version of yourself, the better-looking version, better actor, you know.
Size each other up.
You're jealous.
You're not jealous.
It was like watching, I don't know, it was like in Raging Bull, you know, when De Niro and the other I mean, I haven't seen it but you know what I am talking about.
It was fucking exciting! The theme of Knight Rider was one man can make a difference.
You didn't make a difference, you didn't make a difference, you didn't make a difference! Don't put this on me! Here we go! OK, on my signal, you are 80.
80? On my signal, you're 80.
Feel it, feel it, be with it, come on! 80? And go! Ohhhh! Ugghh! Oh, my Oh, my God! Go.
Action! I can't see you through the wrinkles.
This is your face.
This is your face! This is my face? Your back hurts, your back has completely gone.
Ohhh! You are 90, your legs are gone! You haven't any teeth.
What is that? God! Come on.
Maybe you can't talk Mmmaaahhhhh! OK.
You are 90! I'm not doing it.
I'm not ready.
You are disgusting.
95! You're senile! My God! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Fuck, man! Get off me! Get the Get off me! Ugh! It's too much.
You completely over-acted.
How did I do? You were fucking brilliant.
I think he had a breakdown.
It seemed like a breakdown.
I thought that went very well.
I'll tell you what it was! It was a fricking audition.
I had to audition to play David Hasselhoff.
And you know what? I think the other guy's going to get it.
It's all going to be fine.
I've spent a lot of time with directors.
They're are a bunch of pricks.
But this prick, I can tell, he really likes you.
Mate, listen, right.
Personally, I would watch anything that you are in, yeah? Like, you've just got such a lovely magnetic aura.
Look, the other day, all right, I showed my missus a picture of you, yeah? Her rape alarm went off! You are on some, like, Uri Geller-type weird, kind of like, bender kind of shit.
I wouldn't listen to what's going on over there.
I don't even know who I am any more.
I mean, I'm not even David Hasselhoff.
I mean, I can't even audition and win the part of David Hasselhoff because I don't really know who David Hasselhoff is any more.
When I took on the role as David's assistant, there were lots of things I didn't realise I had to do.
One of which is just physically waking him up.
He takes quite a few pills to get him off to sleep.
So waking him up again is not always easy.
David.
No! Sorry, sorry.
Woah! Huh! I Who are you? I I'm your assistant, Harriet.
Yes.
What year is it? It's 2015.
Wow! What a dream! I was back in the '80s at the MTV awards.
Gary Coleman was there and Huey Lewis and the News and Dolph Lundgren.
We were all drinking Harvey Wallbangers.
It was such a happy time.
David, the '80s was 25 years ago.
Hm! Um, you are meant to be at the gym.
The '80s was 25 years ago? Yes.
Go and pick up that weight, would you? Freeze! What is wrong with your buttocks? Right, I am sorry, Dave, but I am going to need the full name of your last personal trainer.
That is a right fucking mess.
He's left you looking like two melted speed bumps.
I am going to have to report him.
I'll have you know my arse has been admired by women and men from all over the world.
Women and men who have a fetish for disgusting arses.
You.
I can believe that.
Wow! Let's fix it.
I'm not allowed to talk about the celebrities I've worked with but I can say this, a lot of people are called this but it might not be the one you're thinking of, I've worked with Chris Martin.
He was married to Gwyneth Paltrow for years and then he saw me.
Enough said! Danny is forever bragging about how he trains Geri Halliwell, Chris Martin, but these are people who are naturally thin anyway.
These people hardly eat.
You don't hear Danny bragging about the fact that he also trains Eamonn Holmes.
Danny has one of the unhealthiest client lists in the business.
I know everything about you just by how you stand.
See the way you lean to the left? Do you know what that is? Repressed sexuality.
See the way your wrist turns in a bit? Distrust of women.
And the way this right boob moves a little bit more downward, that is a deep craving for affection and connection.
That's weirdly correct.
Lie down, talk to me.
Something is up, I can smell it on you.
What is it? Young guy trying to muscle in on your territory? There is some guy.
Right.
Riddle me this.
You used to make Baywatch.
A lot of young guys coming up the rear.
How did you deal with them? Well, I was the executive producer, if they were getting more airtime than me, I'd just fire them! I like your style, David! You just need to remember who you are, right? You've done Knight Rider, you've done Baywatch, you've done Britain's Got Talent.
We won't remember that one.
You are the king.
What I saw walk in was a man scared of his own destiny.
You know what I see now? A man ready to take it.
You are the Hoff.
It's written on your chest and it's written on your arm in case you forget.
All right! Don't Hassel the Hoff.
I was a little out-of-hand yesterday.
Today, I feel much better.
I'll talk to the director about playing me in the '80s because I still think I've got it, I think I can be Knight Rider Hoff.
That is the Hoff I know! You know what? So what if this director is unorthodox.
Young directors, they tend to be a little crazy.
Paul Thomas Anderson, I've heard that he has miniature pigs running around the set.
All right! I got it, I got it! He might be weird but it's cool.
I'm going to talk to him and I know I can convince him.
Of course you can.
You are David bloody Hasselhoff.
Hhhhmmmmmmm! That was intense.
I think I've got a semi! When I read David's biography, it said that he had a huge part to play in bringing down the Berlin Wall when he sang Looking For Freedom.
It wasn't in the school curriculum but he assures me that that's fact.
OK, Hoff on the Berlin Wall, let's go for a run through.
# One morning in June some 20 years ago # I was born a rich man's son, son, son # I had everything that money could buy But freedom I had none Is nothing sacred? That's my song, Max.
He is so good.
Incredible! # Go, go, go, go, go # I've been looking for freedom In 1989, I sang that song on top of the Berlin Wall to a million people.
It was their anthem, it was part of the revolution, it's part of my history, that's my life, my song! OK.
I am going to find out what's going on.
# Looking for freedom Uh-uh If Paul McCartney walked into a room and saw 50 Cent rapping Yesterday, what do you think he'd do? He'd run up on stage and wrestle the mike from 50 Cent.
Do I fear for Paul McCartney in that battle? Yes.
50 cent would pop a cap in his arse.
Should I stop him? No, no, keep it rolling, I want to see what happens.
Argh! # I've been looking for freedom # I've been looking so long # I've been looking for freedom Still the search goes on I have seen some unprofessional things on a film set in my life but I have never seen an old man gyrating about on stage like a pervert.
I've been looking for freedom It's kind of weird because, you know, a chicken can still walk around after it's had its head bitten off and that's what it was kind of like.
Cut! Interesting.
Do I wish he hadn't done that? Yes, I do.
Did that fuck us over? Hugely.
Do I understand it? Yes, because I have watched documentaries about wild animals.
That was great.
Still got it.
Where are we at? I've re-thought the film.
OK.
Marcus Forster will play all the ages.
Forget about the multiple character bullshit.
Basically, we don't need him.
This is his life story, you can't film it without him.
Well, we can.
I think you'll find the contract you signed gives us full artistic control without limits.
We have the rights to his life.
We can make this movie with or without David Hasselhoff.
I He would be totally happy to play him in his 70s, even his 80s.
I can persuade him.
No.
Marcus Forster will play all the ages.
OK, totally getting where you are coming from.
But what if I was to introduce a new idea? What if I was to say "please"? How does that change things? That doesn't change things.
It doesn't.
It doesn't.
But it But please is It's the magic word.
I mean, everyone knows that.
I felt like I was being bullied by one of my younger brother's friends.
It's not that you've been fired.
Of course I can't be fired, Max, it's my film.
Exactly.
It's just that they're going to save you for a more impactful appearance.
How many lines? Lines? Er it's just going to be a photo.
A photo? Yeah, but it's going to be hanging in a very heroic place, it's going to be above a mantelpiece on one of the shots.
I need to sort this director out right now.
David, negotiations are in a very sensitive place right now.
You're tired, exhausted.
Yeah? The camera will be here.
I don't want to do many takes.
I want to keep it fresh.
Josh and I were rehearsing the, er, burger scene, which is a re-enactment of the now famous moment when David ate a cheeseburger topless on the floor drunk.
I want you to enjoy destroying that burger.
Hey! What are you doing? You are not supposed to be here! Security! Security, there is an intruder on set.
You know what, let me tell you something, man.
I spend my whole life living with the theme of Knight Rider.
One man can make a difference.
And I have made a difference.
I have made a difference in my life and in millions of people's lives.
And one night, I had a bad night, right? I had a hamburger and a bunch of beers.
And, you know what else? They tasted good.
It's a private moment in my life and I'm going to do it again.
You know when? Tonight! I'm going to have beers, burgers, I'm going to take off my shirt and I'm going to have a lie down.
And guess what else? You can't film it because it's a private moment, it's my own life.
I was moved by that.
And then we fired him.
You can't fire me because I quit.
You are fired.
No, I quit.
No, you are fired No, I quit.
Fired.
Quit! Fired.
He's fired.
QUIT! Fired.
Tell him I quit.
Fired.
He quits.
He is fired.
Are you OK? You know what? I feel great.
I feel invigorated for the first time since I saved SpongeBob's life.
I feel terrific.
I mean, I stood up for myself.
I mean, it moved something in me when I sang Looking For Freedom on the Wall.
That was important to me, you know! I'm glad I called that director a jerk, I'm glad I shouted at him and I'm glad I quit the film, I'm glad.
I feel terrific.
I stood up for David Hasselhoff.
You walked in there, yeah? You told them you weren't happy.
You Jerry Maguired the whole situation.
Took the fish tank and told them to fuck off! Thank you, Terry.
What do you say we go to a chicken place, I am buying, huh? Chicken Cottage it is, yeah? Bucket family meal? Yeah! Bucket family meal.
Yes.
Let's get it in.
Me too.
Let's get greasy.
I'm actually off gluten right now.
So, um, do they have gluten-free? Woah! Surprise! Oh! Ha! Who are you? Where did you get that jacket? That's my jacket.
I haven't seen that jacket in 25 years.
Where did you get that jacket? It still works.
How did you get in here? I'm going to call security.
No, don't worry.
I see them.
I just tell them my name and they say, "Go right up.
" What the hell is your name? Dieter.
Where did you get my jacket? You gave it to my mother 25 years ago.
The night the Berlin Wall fell is the same night that I was conceived.
I am Dieter Hasselhoff.
I am your son.
What? Oh! Oh! What does the Hoff most remind you of? Most common answer by far was a leather sofa.
A leather sofa? I am only doing this because I need the money.
Are you wearing make-up? I love everything about women.
Oh, wow! Almost everything.
So you used to actually live in the Hoff's nutsack? Mmm.
Dude, I'm the Knight Rider.
I'm not talking about something where you have a homo-erotic relationship with a sat nav, I'm talking proper action.
Twitter is going mental.
Ow! "I can't believe Michael Knight is talking like a sex pest.
" God, that woman really was hot, she's hot, isn't she? I'm trending, what's wrong with that? David Hasselhoff is a bell-end.
Well, great! What's a bell-end?