Hoff The Record (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Renew Or Die

He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin wall According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame, but where did the viewers go? Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? And another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
What the hell is going on? I have got a driver who is educationally challenged.
Are you a hologram? Are you? Can I touch you? I have an assistant who's never been an assistant before.
Oh! What year is it? I think I'm having an LSD flashback.
Turbo boost, turbo boost! Waaaaaaaa! Stop! I still think that Michael Knight would say it the way that David is saying it.
What? I hesitate to say that David is here out of desperation but for want of a better phrase, David is here out of desperation.
Which one of you is David Hasselhoff? What are you doing? I quit.
I think you're fired.
No, I quit.
I am Dieter Hasselhoff.
What? I am your son.
Oh, goddamn! Dieter, if you're going to stay here, you've got to flush.
Sorry' OK.
Guten Morgen.
Er, sorry.
This is room 116? Ja.
Erm Morning, Harriet.
Morning! All right, maybe I'll come back.
Well, I'm not used to working with celebrities.
I'm not sure if it's common practice to have young German boys in your room.
Good morning! Max, I'd like you to meet my son, Dieter.
Pleased to meet you.
Dieter Hasselhoff.
You have a German son? Are you sure? Max, he showed up last night in my room.
25 years ago when I was on the Berlin Wall, I met a girl and we spent the night together.
Max, I think he's my son.
That was a shock finding out that David had a German son.
It sort of adds up.
David is renowned for being the most fertile celebrity in the business.
Wow! You must really like bread.
It's for the pigeons.
Right! So what gigs have we got coming up? Right, OK.
We've got a Danish chocolate bar.
There's a sausage endorsement.
There was meant to be a safe sex commercial, but I'm guessing that's off the cards now.
We have a meeting today with an advertising agency - they've got a client who wants to base a fragrance on you.
Why would I want to do that? Lots of Celebrities have them - Paris Hilton, David Beckham.
The Pope Benedict.
What? The Pope really has a fragrance? What is it called? It's called Benedictus.
Can you imagine what it was like growing up knowing that David Hasselhoff is my dad? But the problem was that none of the kids would believe me and then they would hit me and then one of them puts a poo-poo in my bag, which is really annoying, because it was so hard to wash out the smell of the shit.
All, right, mate.
Can I help you? You are Terry? Yes.
My dad tell me to come down.
Your dad? Who is your dad? David Hasselhoff.
What?! Yes.
You're David Hasselhoff's son? Ja, I am his son.
I mean, out of complete respect, mate, so you used to actually live in the Hoff's nutsack? Mmm.
Fucking hell! Hasselhoff - you've got the name You must be getting all the action, yeah? You must be getting all the sweet punana, am I right? Er Sex, mate.
Are you getting a lot of sex? Er what? There's Daddy.
Let me go and get Daddy.
How long is this gonna take? Cos, you know, I'm just not in the mood.
I'm not in the mood, OK? Let's just through this quickly.
Oh, please tell me, please tell me It is! Badabam, badabam, badabadabadabam! David effing Hasselhoff in the house! Give me some skin! We've got a lifesaving mo-fo! Boom! Dylan Turnbull at your service.
My God! Look at this! I am not worthy.
Michael Knight in the freaking house! Hi.
"Hi," he says.
Listen to him - he's so humble.
Touch that! Feel that? Hairs are on end.
Seriously, I kid you not, we've been working like rabid little dogs to get this done and we are excited! Who else is excited? Are you excited? He's excited.
Look at that! Believe you me, the client is pumped.
We have been moving oceans - seriously, oceans.
Like a book from the Old Testament, the first one or something, but it's here and we are going to shoot this campaign today, yeah! We're not shooting today.
What are you talking about? We're shooting a campaign today.
It's been scheduled for weeks.
We're not shooting today.
I'm not ready to shoot today.
Why does he think he's not shooting today? Harriet, we are not shooting today.
On the schedule, we are shooting today.
Max, tell them we're not shooting today.
Can everyone just be quiet for just a second? That one.
Are we shooting today? Yes, you know we are shooting today, because I have been sending you ideas for the last four months.
What format did you send them in? Email, but we confirmed this months ago.
Um See, I don't do my business by email normally.
What the fuck?! What do you mean? Is this the 1950s? Do you have any idea how much this is costing? So you're definitely saying that I confirmed by email.
You did, yeah.
I printed it out.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for that, Harriet.
I really appreciate it.
I think there was a week that I just lost to peyote.
Hoff's team seem like they've just escaped from a dogs' home.
I've never known anything quite like it.
I mean, who mixes up emails? Who hasn't even received emails? The man was on peyote.
Do you know what, David? We're going to sort this.
I'm going to take you through our current thinking.
We'll run you guys up to the boardroom and, my God, once you see this presentation, oh, my God, you're going to fall in love with it.
It's so freaking huge.
Do you know what, David? I have walked away from my daughter's first sports day.
Do you know why? This is better.
I don't want to see a group of six-year-olds throwing around a bean bag, do you? Come on, Let's do this.
We're shooting today? Yeah, if you want to.
All right.
Oh, my God! David is here to resurrect his career.
Right now, I am standing over David's corpse and the only person who could save him is me, because I am trained in entertainment CPR.
Sorry about this.
I wasn't expecting to do this today, but anything for the Hoff! You do realise you spelt my name wrong? Is this not how you spell it? No, it's E-L.
Oh! Do you like pigeons? Pigeons? You know, when I was a kid, I made a metal contraption.
I put that on the beak of one of my favourite pigeons, Franz.
And then you could force a postcard inside to send it to my dad.
D-Did he make it? No, he died.
Bang, big dramatic opening.
Who IS David Hasselhoff? It's a question we have been asking ourselves a lot recently.
Some of the best guys we had on this.
But don't get bogged down with what we think.
What do the people think? Let's get involved! So the most common answer from males over 25, with 24% reach, was "it's that guy from Knight Rider".
Is that it? That's why we here? Commonest answer with kids under 11 They said, "I don't know who he is.
" I don't know who he is.
" So guys under 25 were asked what does the Hoff most remind you of and the most common answer by far was a leather sofa.
A leather sofa? What the hell is he talking about? It's actually quite a nice sofa.
Men over 30 who Live at home.
Do you want to see what these guys look Like? Look, that's just so depressing.
These guys are known as the unreachable and what we are just Literally coming in our pants over is that David CAN reach them.
David Hasselhoff is the perfect spokesman for this demographic.
How are our clients are going to sell these guys aftershave? It's a good question.
It has to be exactly like the Hoff.
Of course it's got to be bang! It's got to say danger.
They are going to want to be like you, they are going to want to smell like you and this story - will the good man teach his son? - and the name of David Hasselhoff shall ne'er go by from this day until the ending of the world.
What is it going to be called? It's going to be called Be More Hoff.
That is what we're going to be shooting today.
What do you guys say? Yeah! Bang! Thank you.
If you don't mind, we're just going to have a quick word outside.
I think the presentation went phenomenal.
I am one of the best pitchers in the business - of that, there is absolutely no doubt.
That's not arrogance - that's the truth.
What the fuck is he talking about?! "Be more fucking Hoff!" What is that? I know it's not exactly what you are after.
That presentation is exactly what I'm trying to get away from, OK? "Be More Hoff?!" How can I be more Hoff? Ballpark - straight out.
Have you signed the contract? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I signed a Lot.
All right, all right, I'm only doing this because I need the money, but nothing in this commercial can be a reference to the '80s, OK? No more leather jackets, OK? You promise? OK, I promise.
It's not going to be any cheese, no embarrassing make-up, nothing like that.
Oh, wow! You actually look quite Shakespearean.
I look like a clown.
No, honestly, you look good.
Is that? Are you wearing make-up? Look at this! Oh, my God, you look incredible! Very horny.
Very horny! Dylan! Can I just remind you? Obviously, it's really important that we keep the advert really classy.
Well, you know, classy is a word.
I wouldn't necessarily use it right now, but it's a good point.
I'm going to tweet that.
Do not tweet that.
I've got two favourites.
Wifi is quick here! He did look like a twat, but at least, you know, at least they didn't get him to black up.
I've had that with clients before.
Dad's costume at the photographic studio was great.
It was totally perfect.
It was spot on.
What was he supposed to be? This is not helping my career.
It's helping our bank balance.
So difficult to tell whether you're genuinely angry or that's just the make-up.
OK, I am going to finish your shit from earlier today and I'll be back later.
Mr Hasselhoff? Hi.
I'm Ellie, the runner.
I was wondering if I could do a short interview about the multimedia campaign, if that's all right.
I don't mean to offend you, but I'm really not in the mood for an interview right now.
Can we do one later, please? Oh, OK, yeah.
He's not really in a mood for an interview right now.
David, so you're going to be the devil and so what we're going to do is put you over our loser's shoulder, so you can be hovering over him and I want you to think Dante, yeah? I want you to think nine levels of hell, I want you to think like Hieronymus Bosch There's a broken egg with someone falling out of its arse.
Really unpleasant, like, nasty, sorrow eugh! But keep it here.
Come on - roll the cameras, show me the product, hit my mark Let me turn the Hoff on.
The object of his affection is going to be our pneumatic blonde.
Sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
Object of our loser's affection, OK? And he can't go, because he doesn't have any confidence, but a few little spritz of Be More Hoff and hey presto, bang - confidence! Yeah? Be More Hoff.
Have you got the bottle? It should be here.
Hi, literally, you press twice and that lights.
Is that a joke? It's great, isn't it? Very clever! Be More Hoff! Oh, wait! It talks! 'Turbo boost, Michael!' "Turbo boost, Michael!" Are you kidding me? Are you really kidding me? This has got to be a joke.
No, Look.
We'll just pop you on the chair just behind and remember, devil - argh! You got it? You are ready? Action, David! You know what? It's midnight and you're the only one at the bar and there happens to be a drop-dead gorgeous girl sitting across from you.
It's a stills shoot, David.
I suggest Be More Hoff! And pause and pause and just bigger, bigger.
No, don't start again.
It's a stills shoot, David.
You might need a little help to get her attention.
It's a stills shoot.
My name is David Hasselhoff.
Try to be more Hoff.
Stills shoot! Some people call me the Hoff.
It's a stills shoot.
Stop! Stop there.
That's it! There's a gorgeous girl sitting across from you Not the words, just the still.
You might need a little help.
It's a stills shoot.
OK, Let's stop.
David just didn't get it.
He just didn't get the not moving.
I found that very strange.
I have worked with some phenomenal actors who can't stand still, but usually if you say, "Stand still," they stand still.
Is everything all right? Yeah, it's fine.
Sure? You're not too hot? No, I feel great.
You don't want anything? I'll do the stills later.
We'll get the motion picture This is a stills shoot.
No, it's not.
It's not a stills shoot.
It is.
Max! Is this a stills shoot? This is a commercial.
I think Do you know, sometimes Have you ever played the game Chinese Whispers? What are you talking about? They're just crossed wires.
David, take five.
Give it five minutes.
No! Ellie, seriously, get some echinacea and bilberry - the ones from my office.
Sit down five minutes.
How do you shut this thing UP? Stop it! Stop it! Turn it off, off, off! This is costing an absolute fortune.
Steve has come all the way from Bulgaria for this! I apologise.
This is not supposed to be a stills shoot.
This is supposed to be a proper commercial, OK? Whatever you have to do to get him to stay still, do it! Yeah.
OK, sometimes, like, a load of Nytol works and he'll just stay still.
Whatever it takes, OK? - Hi.
- Hi.
I forgot to say - you know the sound of the wood pigeon? I can Do you do you want anything from the vending machine? I'm going to go and get a Double Decker.
Mmm, yes, thanks.
I would like one.
Just one Decker.
Baywatch was a very intellectual show about lifeguards saving people's lives.
Hello again.
Sorry, do you mind if we do the interview now? Would that be all right? Um no, it's fine.
Let's get it over with.
Great! I'm just going to stick a little cheeky mic to you, just on your chest, if that's all right? Yeah! That's fine.
Anywhere you want.
OK, great! So you must be really excited to be part of the Be More Hoff campaign? Oh, I'm really excited.
I mean, it's a new level of Oh, sorry, I have to cut.
What's wrong? I can't hear anything.
Maybe it's the mic or the hair.
Ow! Whoa! Wow! Wow, wow, why would you do that? I'm probably having the worst day I've had since I was seven years old.
Are you OK? I've just had my hair ripped off by a sound girl.
- Did she hurt you? - Yeah, she hurt me, but you know, I'm a man.
Sometimes I like to get hurt and you know what? Sometimes they like to get hurt too.
- Sit down, buddy.
- I don't think I will ever understand women.
I don't understand them either, pal, but I do know one thing - a lot of woman play hard to get.
But they want to be gotten and sometimes us men know more about what women are thinking than what they're thinking.
Best part of my day was that blonde out there.
She was Sure would like to get her in the back seat of my KITT car.
You know what I think of advertising? It's for scum.
Right, Max, he'll take whatever's being offered.
I'm offering to get the Hoff to Neeson level, know what I mean? Taken 4? Neeson's not doing it.
I've found that out.
Does Max know that? No.
Sting, older or younger than you? Younger.
Incorrect - same age.
Segal? Older or younger than you? Older.
Same age.
Neeson? Older or younger? Older.
Same age.
Oh, come on! Liam Neeson doesn't look as good as me.
He looks better than you.
Have you ever thought of doing a sort of Taken-style action film? Dude, I'm the Knight Rider.
I am not talking about something where you have a homoerotic relationship with a sat nav.
I'm talking proper action.
Neeson is very dynamic.
He moved from the Holocaust to an action star.
You moved out of a car and put on some red shorts.
It's not the same, is it? Every cell in your body changes over seven years.
That means the man you are today is not the man you were seven years ago.
You regenerate or you die - you have no choice.
Renew or die, do you understand? Say it with me.
Renew or die! Renew or die.
Renew or die.
Renew or die.
Renew or die.
Renew or die.
Mean it! Renew or die, renew or die, renew or die.
You all sitting down? Good.
Right, I think we've got a bit of a situation here.
Gawker has got hold of a recording of something you said yesterday and they're trying to turn it into a scandal.
Twitter is going mental.
"Can't believe Michael Knight is talking like a sex pest!" Here's another one - "What is the Hoff's problem with women? "He's a Neolithic idiot!" And they've leaked a photo of you dressed as the devil.
"Jerk H'off"?! I came as quickly as I could.
Apparently, David has been saying stuff about what women really want and he got some girl in the back of his KITT car.
Is that really true, David? Uh yeah, I did, but I was talking to Dieter.
Private conversation in the dressing room.
That woman must have left the microphone on.
I'm thinking this could be a positive thing - you're trending.
I'm trending! What's wrong with that? "David Hasselhoff is a bell end.
" Well, great! What's a bell end? I mean, anatomically speaking, it's the end of the male genitalia.
She called me a dick?! Well, etymology has changed It's like the crown.
I've got it, I've got it.
Just give me an interview on radio or TV and I'll set the record straight.
And you're going to apologise.
For what? I'm gonna tell my side of the story.
Get me an interview, thank you very much.
I'll sort it.
Bell end! Misogynistic? Look, I'm not even sure what that means, but he definitely wasn't misogynistic.
Something to do with women, innit? The thing about my dad is that he could have any girl in the world that he wants.
But he's only had five wives.
I've heard it said that all publicity is good publicity.
It's not! Just ask any DJ from the 1970s.
So contemporary feminist perception is focused on the way that gender interacts with other social characteristics, which produces a very specific experience in equality, so I got it.
Oh! That's Lucinda Young.
Who's Lucinda Young? She's a journalist.
I actually read her book, Grappling With The Infantile Man.
Hi! So sorry to interrupt.
I just wanted to say I'm a massive fan of Baywatch.
And Baywatch Nights, obviously.
Well, nice to meet you.
Anyone who is a fan of Baywatch Nights is cool.
What are you doing here? I'm on the show with you, David.
Oh, that's terrific.
Yeah, it should be good fun.
Yeah, good fun.
See you in the studio.
All right.
Thank you.
Oh, God! I'm being pulled towards the satellite moon towards a gas giant.
I'm with David now.
OK, bye-bye.
Hey! Hey! Joy.
Well, the client thought I should be here, show you some support, wish you good luck and everything else.
You go get 'em, tiger! One thing, though, is could you apologise? I think the client thought your comments were a bit misogynistic, so enjoy it, but do make sure you apologise.
What I said was taken out of context.
David, they need you in the studio now.
Go, enjoy it! You have fun! Go on, get out of here.
Say you're sorry, all right? I'll be here.
It's a good name for a fragrance, actually.
What's that? Misogynistique.
Yeah? I'll go and All right, junior.
Don't worry, yeah.
Your dad's going to be great.
He's going to tell them lesbians to fuck right off.
They are feminist.
Yeah, feminist, lesbians, innit, the same.
We are joined by David Hasselhoff.
He's causing headlines.
He's causing controversy as well.
You've no doubt seen his comments.
He made these misogynistic comments which were recorded on tape and then Leaked to the press.
welcome to the programme.
Thank you.
Hey, KITT, pick me up, Buddy.
As I say, these comments are everywhere.
They're all over social media and you'd probably also be aware that some people today are calling you a woman-hater.
How do you respond to that? Ridiculous! Some of my best friends are women.
I love everything about women.
Oh, wow! Almost everything.
The "Oh, wow" you heard is from Lucinda Young.
Lucinda is a journalist from the Guardian and she's also got a new book out.
It's called The '80s Dinosaur: The Backward Attitude Of The Baby Boomer Generation.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Did you know about this book? We're in massive shit! We're in massive shit and also tell David Hasselhoff.
Well, it's pretty pathetic, really, isn't it? You're the sort of throwback who thinks that a woman's freedom means a freedom to take her knickers off and dance around a pole.
That's actually not what I think at all, but if she wants to take off her pants and dance around a pole, I'm not going to stop her.
He's sort of ended up talking about women taking their clothes off, which is sort of the opposite of what we wanted him to talk about.
So, do you believe in feminism, David? Yes, I absolutely believe in the concept of feminism.
No, feminism isn't a concept! Isn't it? No.
I thought it was.
Women are being attacked, demeaned, objectified and not just behind closed doors, David.
Well, I've had a lot of fun with women behind closed doors, but I have never objectified a woman in public.
I mean, what does exactly objectify mean? Do you understand that there are women being attacked in shopping centres? I have never attacked a woman in a shopping centre.
Let's get back to some of the actual comments you made.
You were reported to have said, "Women like getting hurt.
" No, no, no! Those words were taken out of context.
Some do.
Some do.
I've been to I've seen videos.
They were misconstrued.
I was just having a harmless talk about relationships with my son.
Oh, yeah, sorry - is this the son, the illegitimate son, that's just recently come back into your life, David? How many other illegitimate children are there out there, David? And how many of their mothers were playing hard to get? How many of the mothers of those kids weren't quite sure of their own feelings, but you knew, didn't you? Well, to be honest, they all consented.
I mean, after all I am David Hasselhoff.
He's digging his own grave.
Dad is not doing very well in the debate.
To be fair, she is ripping him a new arsehole right now.
What? Your dad's arse is a right-off.
Why would she do that? Lesbians are weird, mate! They're weird around anuses and that.
I love, like, fake lesbians, the ones you see in the movies and that, but the real ones, fucking hell, aggressive, innit! Here's a simple one for you.
Are you sexist? No, I am not a sexist Perhaps I could ask if we could have the audio played.
Let's hear the audio.
'I do know one thing.
Women like being hurt.
'You know what else they want? They like us to be men 'and they like us to take control.
'They just want to play hard to get, but they want to be gotten.
'I think us men know what those women are thinking 'more than what they're thinking.
'Best part of my day was that blonde out there.
'She was Sure would like to get her on the back seat of my KITT car.
' You know what? I know those words sound bad, but God, that woman really was hot.
She's a hot chick.
They were your words, though, weren't they? They were misconstrued.
They were were they your words? Yes or no.
That's all we've got time for, I'm afraid.
We're going to leave it there.
Thank you for listening.
You're listening to Talk London FM.
Next up, we've got gardening tips with Pat Sharp.
This is what happens when Girl Power gets out of control.
I blame the Spice Girls, you know what I mean? They started it.
It was all fluffy back then.
Now you've got women chopping off geezers' dicks and all this and that, you know what I mean? He said that he wants to get the woman in the back of his KITT car.
Like, what's wrong with that? He would drop her off wherever she wants, probably.
Hey, David! I just got an email from the client and they're pretty sure that could not have gone worse and so they've decided to terminate your contract with immediate effect.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Terminate? What are you talking about? I did nothing wrong.
Max, talk to the guy.
This whole thing has been an exercise in incredible embarrassment.
All right, that's it.
I'm done.
I'm out of here.
I'm going back to LA.
No, no, David, no, no! I've got loads of things up my sleeve.
Relationship advice column in a men's magazine.
You'd be like an agony uncle.
I'm done.
Michael Knight would not have done that.
He'd have stood up to them and said something.
Have you got anything to say? How do you get into advertising? Are you looking for people at your place? You know what? I think you've had a stroke.
Danny, I came up with a great idea! I want to be the UN ambassador.
This is the Fisher Price UN! A very famous star came into work with a breast enhancement.
What is your obsession with facts? I shat myself.
Hey, Andy Murray, piss off! Ladies? Whatever.
QUIET! What a rude kid! Sounds like a declaration of war, Mr Hasselhoff.
Everything he says is moronic.
And you know what happened to his nuts? Well, it's Likely they may have been covered in chocolate.
I thought he was mad.
That is quite the most offensive thing to have ever happened in this school.
Listen, you don't need to be thinking about girls shitting right now.