Hoff The Record (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Hostile Environment Training

1 He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin wall.
According to the Guinness Book Of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame, but where did the viewers go? .
.
comeback tour was pulled by US promoters.
Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? And another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make.
David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
Fired.
No, I quit! Fired.
Quit! Fired.
I used to mean something to people.
They've decided to terminate your contract.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sorry, did you just say "no fee"? Danny and I came up with a great idea.
We were wondering if you are looking for any new humanitarian ambassadors? Make it happen, huh? I want to save the world.
I want something big, something heroic.
I want to be the face of a global charity.
Obviously the big one for me is malaria, so Boring! What about the IPA? It's the International Pigeon Association, and they are vastly underfunded.
If you give a bit in, you get a lot out.
We could do something with whales.
Wales, you know, lot of poor people in Wales.
Hot chicks, though.
I meant the sea mammal.
No! No! I want something big, something heroic.
OK.
Well, I am thinking out loud here, but we could maybe do something with land mines? OK, just thinking out loud here.
How about land mines? Since Princess Di died, you never hear about them.
Let's bring land mines back! She looked great wearing that suit.
I could wear one of those Hurt Locker armour suits.
I could defuse a mine, save villagers.
Yeah, you'd be good at that! OK, let's do it! OK, I'll make some calls.
This croissant is dry! Terry, do you know anything about land mines? I reckon, get all the prisoners from that country, gather up all the paedos, yeah, get them to go on the land mines, yeah, and the little minefields.
Get them to deactivate.
If they die, who gives a shit? It's a paedo, do you know what I mean? It's a good idea.
Thing is, Terry, they're mostly not paedos, they're A lot of the prisoners in those countries are in fact people who are campaigning against land mines, so that would make next to no sense.
Sorry to be rude! I think it's a great idea.
Thank you! I've got loads, mate! Have you seen Human Centipede? No, what is that? Porno.
Oh! So basically, it's, like, this crazy doctor, he links people up with their mouths to their anuses, he ties them up.
Do that, we'll get them to walk on the land mines, blow the fuckers up! Are you getting this down? I just think it's disgusting Write it down on your notes.
I mean, my views, some people might say they're a bit right wing, but I'd say they're more right full stop.
No-one's going to give a shit if you blow up a paedo! "What did you do today?" "Oh, I blew up a peado.
" "Well done, mate! Can I buy you a drink?" You know what I mean? "Oh, what did you do today?" "Oh, I sent out an innocent person and he's blown his leg off cos he's trying to find a mine.
"I'm not going to buy you a drink, mate.
Get out!" This is actually reconstituted water collected from the gutters and sewers of local buildings and passed through a natural gravel-based filtration system.
We've only just had it installed.
Ah.
You know, Frank, I'm going to pass on the water.
I had a little bottle of water in the car and I'm not that thirsty.
Well, um, first things first.
Thank you for coming.
You're welcome.
Exciting to meet you! Great! Although I must say, Mr Hasselhoff, that said, I am curious, I don't recall seeing your name associated with humanitarian causes before.
Let me tell you a story.
I was at Don Johnson's house, having a little barbecue with some celebrities and other stars, and kind of hanging out, just shooting the shit.
I got distracted by a little ladybug crossing across the driveway, carrying a leaf.
All of a sudden this bird, out of nowhere, "waagh", swoops down and eats that ladybug up.
And at that moment, I thought to myself "Life is short.
" Right! Pulling this back to land mines, I'm just trying to get a sense of where you are coming from.
Do you believe that the Ottawa Treaty is sufficient, or is more regulation required? OK, Frank, what you said right there, that was just a detail.
Let's face it, Hoff isn't a details kind of guy.
You want to talk about something, you go and ask a details guy.
You want to get something done .
.
you ask the Hoff.
He's a doer, not a talker.
Well, yes, but it is a spokesperson that we actually require.
Right! Yeah, he can talk, yeah! You leave that land mine stuff to me.
The Hoff is here, here to help.
I mean, those land mines, huh, are in good hands! I'll get back to you after I've seen some of the other candidates.
How does that sound? Terrific! Fair enough, thank you.
No, thank you.
All right.
Cheers! Nice to meet you.
Great stuff, Frank! Cheerio.
Sally-Ann, have we heard back from Idris Elba yet? 'He said he doesn't like you, so he doesn't want to be involved.
' Shit! We are going to have to go with Hasselhoff, aren't we? Ah! I win! I win! All right, another game.
Sorry, just give that a minute.
Oh! You are wafting it in my face! Hey! Great news! We've got the land mine gig.
I told you! I told you I was good in that interview.
Yeah! They want to send you out into the fields to Tergistan.
Great! What's a Tergistan? Oh, it's a country, apparently.
Great! Erm, the only thing is, they want you to do a hostile environment training course.
It's just for insurance, it's like a box ticking thing.
Piece of cake! I was in the army.
You were in the army? Army movie.
Right.
You know you're doing that wrong, right? David's got a gig for the land mine charity - great, fantastic! It is voluntary work, though, so financially, that does nothing for me, you know? I'd be better off if he got himself a gig selling the Big Issue.
Then at least, I'd be getting 15% of however much the Big Issue costs.
I don't know, I've never bought it.
Here's an idea for the Big Issue - maybe you would sell more copies if you didn't get tramps to sell it.
Ten of these.
OK, erm, I've got some bad news.
The land mine charity - they're only going to pay expenses.
Turns out there isn't much money in land mine detection.
But I've got some good news - I've managed to set up a gig on the same trip.
It's a birthday party, it's for a local businessman and it turns out he's your number one fan.
No, no! No, I don't do birthday parties any more.
They're all corny and they're going to have me jumping out of a cake, singing a song, wearing Speedos.
NO! No, hear me out! He's ultra rich, he's a community leader.
Do you remember why I hired you? I'll answer that.
To get me into films, to change my career, to help me with charity.
I want you to give money to charity but in order for you to give money to charity, you need to earn money - and this guy is offering 250,000 for three songs.
I could really do with the We could really do with the money.
£250,000 for three of my songs? Yes, three of your biggest songs.
What songs? Looking For Freedom Yeah.
I've Got A Car.
JUMP In My Car.
Jump In My Car.
And And? And And? Eye Of The Tiger! Eye Of The Tiger?! That's not my song! Isn't it amazing? My manager can only name two of my songs.
These Loving Eyes, Everybody Sunshine, Do The Limbo Dance.
See? He's just looked that up.
I always thought, actually, These Loving Eyes would be a great opener.
It would be unexpected - get them in the mood.
Yeah, it would be unexpected but I like to open with Limbo Dance and then do Loving Eyes.
Fair enough, I can't argue with the logic.
So you're going to do it? OK, we'll do it! I think he trusts me and I trust him.
I'd go into war with him.
I mean, I'm obviously not going to the Balkans with him.
Good luck to him, it's a fucking mess out there.
I wouldn't be seen dead there.
He might be, but, anyway, I'll keep in phone contact - you know what I mean, he can call me for any tips or whatever.
Did a lot of this on Knight Rider, you know.
Ah! You had to be prepared.
Kidnap Torture You got to be prepared for anything that might happen.
You know, I couldn't help but overhear you lot talking about kidnap scenarios and that.
I love a good kidnap film - Panic Room, Phone Booth, Babe 2: Lost in the City.
Do you know what my favourite film of all time is, though? Taken, Liam Neeson.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Great film! What is it with Liam Neeson anyway? I was on the list SCHINDLER'S List! I was up for the part of Schindler, OK? It was me, Val Kilmer, Liam Neeson and guess why I didn't get it? Why? German! Wasn't Oskar Schindler German? Spielberg didn't want any real Germans on the film so I got scrubbed from the list.
That's disgusting, mate! I could have seen you in that film as well.
You know like that scene - it's all black and white, you see that girl and all you see is a red coat.
Fuck her off, do you know what I mean? Fuck her! Get you in, all black and white, yeah? You come out with the red shorts, mate! I'm telling you Exactly.
.
.
it should have been Hasselhoff's list! I saved more people on Baywatch than Schindler saved in World War II.
Easily! Yeah.
Easily! Hey, Frank! Mr Hasselhoff.
What are you doing here? Well, I like to do a refresher every three years or so, particularly before I go out in the field.
Wow, cool.
Has someone done a shit in this room? No? Well, then that must be the smell of you horrible lot.
My name is Mike Porridge and I'm here today, to take you through the hostile environment training course.
You! What's your name? I'm Frank.
Frank the Wank! Frank, can you tell me what SAS stands for? Is it Secret? No, that's the wrong answer, Frank, it stands for Special Air Services and also it stands for suck the cock and stroke the balls.
Frank, repeat after me - suck the cock, stroke the balls.
Erm well, suck the cock, stroke the balls.
That's right, Frank, suck the cock and stroke the balls.
I mean, there were ladies in the room.
I was embarrassed I mean, I'm blushing now.
I've done this course seven or eight times, nothing like that has ever happened before.
During a freak free fall parachuting accident over Antarctica whilst having a solo fact-finding mission about little baby polar bears, I broke my back in three separate places.
I was paralysed for a year and a half and I was also found with one of my testicles lodged up my arse.
You, what's your name? Dieter.
Dieter, the cock eater? Dieter, have you ever been found with a testicle in your arse? Well, once, actually, we have a problem with I was playing the ping pong.
No? And there was one time where I was What are you doing with your? Oh, it's just very interesting, Dieter, because I would suggest that you've probably had more than one ball up your arse in your time.
Erm Just totally inappropriate.
Erm, Dieter didn't deny it, so I didn't want to ask any further.
Now, listen! It's vital that, sometimes, you use your initiative and you might just get out of that hostile environment with your balls intact.
Dieter, you probably won't.
Now, next on the agenda, we have land mines.
Does anyone in here know anything about land mines? Well, yes, obviously.
As head of the charity, I know quite a bit about land mines.
Oh, oh! Hassel! One time on Knight Rider, Michael Knight stepped on a land mine and he kept his foot on it until KITT came by to defuse it.
Well, much as I am aware that Knight Rider was steeped in reality, I'm afraid that storyline is utter bollocks.
Now, here we have a real live land mine, OK? I want you to pass it around yourselves just to get a feel of it.
Whatever you do, do not drop it.
This is LIVE.
Frank Careful! Both hands, Frank.
Easy does it, there you go! It really scared me.
I was thinking, "This can't be a real land mine, "BUT this man is mad.
" Dieter, be very careful, OK? I know you've got slippy hands.
Just take it easy.
Oh! Dieter! This is not about playing games, OK? Dieter! I want you to take it seriously.
Get back in here now! Get back in! Hurry up! You bunch of absolute cocks.
Get in! Of course it's not a live land mine.
Now you know how low those little shrimp feel.
Where's KITT to save you now, eh? You're slower than my gran, Hassel, and she's dead.
Dieter, that's shit! Stop the car! Put your hands up! Get out off the car! We are Russian terrorists and we are taking you all hostage.
Get out! My heart is going fast but then he comes out and he has a really bad Russian accent so I am knowing it's Mr Porridge.
I will blow your fucking head off! You are now our hostages.
We are going to blindfold you.
Here, hold this! 'During the hostage taking, he handed me his gun.
' I could have shot him.
Now, walk forward.
March! Watch out for the puddles.
'He put a blindfold on me' and my fourth wife was into bondage a little bit and it kind of made me feel, this is, you know Romantic and fun.
But then, you know, one time she She left the mask on and and took off with my car and my parrot and I never saw her again.
Where's Max when we need him? How do you feel on those boxes? Are they comfortable? Open your mouth.
Get that! Ah! Does that remind you of your childhood, little boy? Your breath smells like a big shit.
You, what's your name? Are you talking to me? Yeah! What's your name? That is not a very realistic line.
Shut up! Just tell me your name or I will shoot this girl through her earhole.
It's just kind of unrealistic that you don't know my name, I mean, everybody knows who I am.
Even the Kalahari bushmen in the Sahara desert - they know who I am.
Look, I'm just trying to give you some tips if you want to make things more real.
Do not break character, right? How does this feel for real? OK, OK.
All right! OK.
I've got it, I'll play for real.
'I've been taken hostage, only in my marriages.
' Women would hold me up, you know, for sex - until we had sex and then they would sue me.
Now we are going to come back with the blunt tweezers and pull out your eyelashes.
Fuck you! Come on, friends, now! Hey, listen up! The most important part of kidnapping is the first 30 minutes.
Oh, yeah! Like with Liam in the Taken movie.
Would you stop with Neeson? Stop it! What? Stop it and listen to me! No, I think we need to escape and we need to do it now.
But why do we need to escape? It's just an exercise.
We'll probably be breaking for lunch in 20 minutes.
David, I think you're taking the role play part of this a bit seriously.
He said to take it seriously.
Would you like to try to escape, anyone? Dieter, are you with me? I'm well OK, son! Great! Eins Eins.
Zwei Zwei.
Drei.
Drei! Let's go.
Good, good, OK.
All right, wait, wait.
Whoa, can you lift me up? Argh, there we go! Oh, shit! Oh! I got, I got.
I took my dog to the vet a few months ago and he was like, "500 quid.
"If you don't pay the 500 quid, "you know, he's going to die.
" So, what can you do? I know.
We buried him out in the back garden, so, you know, not too bad.
We need to untie ourselves so maybe we'll find something sharp, OK? And then we can cut the ropes.
We are back with the blunt tweezers and I am going to Where the hell are the two Cockelhoffs?! They thought it would be a good idea to try to escape.
Escape?! How the fuck did they escape? Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.
Don't ask me if I'm all right! Argh! What the? Did they say where they were going? No.
No.
If this was Afghanistan, he wouldn't be running away.
He needs to learn what to do.
His brain has been fried by lying on the beaches of Malibu and probably botoxed out of his mind.
He can't think straight any more.
We go this way, yeah? This way.
I think we are on the wrong heading, Dad.
I did this on Knight Rider, OK? A lot.
And then when OK.
Oh, good! Argh Argh! Dieter, I'm stuck.
If we take this off, undo it, I'll come through Dad? .
.
and then I'll put it back on.
Would you get me out of this? Please? OK, I will help you.
Look, I'm sure they'll be back soon.
Maybe we should alert the park rangers.
Good idea, Frank.
Maybe we should alert the Park Rangers, but you know what? We don't have to because I'm here - and guess what, Frank? I was in the SAS for seven years and I think you know what SAS stands for, don't you? Well, yes, you keep reminding me.
Yes, exactly.
Dicks! Untie them! I'm going to get my rescue kit.
Well, he's an angry man, isn't he? He's a psychopath.
Don't tell him I said that.
Hasselhoffs! Ah, Dieter, it's getting late, we should move on.
Yes, I think so.
Can I help you, gents? This is private land.
Who are you? It's David Hasselhoff! You expect me to believe that? Oh, bloody hell, it is, innit? It's David Hasselhoff.
That's right! What are you doing here? Well You're a bit far from the beach, ain't you? Yeah! No, I was coming from over there and we got caught on these barb wire and so now we're over here.
What - you've lost your talking car? Hey, KITT, get me out of here! Who are you, then, twinkle tit? Your boyfriend? No! No, he's my son.
That's what they all say, innit? I know what you're doing, but that's all right! Thanks.
I don't care what you get up to, by the way, but I just don't want people constantly going through my land, that's the only problem I have around here.
People shitting in there! Really? Yeah Wow people use that as a toilet and a place to have sex.
Well, he really is my son, his name is Dieter, Dieter Hasselhoff.
Dieter Hasselhoff.
What, you German or something? From Dusseldorf, ja! You're a German and you're in my field? Yeah.
You're a German and you come walking on my field, on my land? Yes, but I don't mean the offence.
I'm only having you on, mate! I'm pissing around, man! Whoo! Got us there.
That's the other thing about you lot, you don't have no sense of humour.
Yeah, I do! You do? Yeah, looking like that you do! Well, I'll give you a lift anyway! Oh, good.
Thanks.
Step into the tractor, mate! Where do you want to go? Don't touch me.
Nice tractor! Does it talk? It smells a bit of the shit.
Thank you, boss.
Mind how you go.
You are a cool guy! Hasselhoffs! Dieter, where the hell have you been for the last four hours? We've been really worried.
Jesus Christ, you've wasted all our fucking time! You said to use our initiative so we thought we'd escape and go get a Initiative?! Is initiative getting all your fellow hostages shot and killed? If this had been a real hostage situation, poor Frank would have an arsehole bigger than a Grand Canyon by now.
You might have been an action hero in the '80s And the '90s.
The EARLY '90s.
Well, this isn't the '80s or the '90s.
This is the 21st century.
It's England, it's not Malibu.
You've just failed the Mike Porridge Hostile Environment Awareness Training Course.
Yeah.
Do you know who the other only person was to fail this course? Stephen Hawking.
He's a physicist.
And why do you think he failed the course? Because he has motor neurone disease.
Exactly.
So, you know what? He had perfectly good reason to fail it.
Why did you fail? Because you're both dicks.
"There's a girl down on the pier.
She's in trouble!" OK, guys, I got this one.
No! sharks! Get out of here, shark! Crap, no! There's the girl - she's still in trouble.
I've got you! Oh, you are beautiful.
Get on here.
Don't die on me.
Breathe for me, breathe for me.
Oh, you're beautiful.
Hi, Dieter.
I've got a key card.
Don't you think that I look like my dad? Erm I'm not sure your father likes people touching, or wearing, his jacket.
I'll hang it up.
Thanks.
So, hey, do you think that I could be an action hero? I've never seen an action hero with an inhaler before so that'd be pretty silly.
Erm, you should probably take off those as well.
Not now! Later! So, OK.
Don't thank me.
David! What's up? It's Frank from the land mine charity.
Hello? I'm sorry to say that the land mine expedition has been called off.
Called off? Why? No-one will insure us because you failed the training course.
And, well, if that wasn't bad enough, apparently you've agreed to perform at a private concert for a notorious warlord.
Frank, he's not a notorious warlord.
Max told me he's a community leader.
I am afraid to say that our charity can no longer be associated with you.
Good day.
Whoa! He hung up on me.
Get Max on the line.
I've been trying for days, his phone is out of service.
It's classic Max - just when we need him, he's not there.
You know, that's not, in my opinion, great management.
All right, I'm going to change.
Call Terry.
We're going to his office.
What does he mean - "notorious warlord?" What the hell is going on? Hi, we're here to see Max Coleman? Max Coleman Erm, OK, let me check.
It's OK, I know where his office is.
Follow me, I'll show you around.
Wow! Things have changed around here.
Sunshine in London, huh? Go figure.
Max! David Hasselhoff I didn't expect to see you back here.
How's it going? Erm, fine, I actually wanted to speak with Max.
Max doesn't work here any more.
What do you mean? He was sacked three months ago.
He was fired? I've taken on all his clients.
Well, most of them.
Really? Oh, actually, it's great that you stopped by.
I was hoping to pass on some requests that have come through for you.
Let's have a look Butlins, Celebrity Cash In The Attic, and we mustn't forget - Panto with Biggins.
Oh, David, I'm sorry, I am going to have to take this if that's OK.
Yeah.
See ya, Dave.
Ah.
Hello, Ben Glassman.
Did you know anything about this? No! I can't believe my own manager is fired and he doesn't tell me.
I want to find out where that weaselly bastard is.
So, I was with David and I was like, "Well, I know where he lives, I'll take We'll go to his house now.
" You're just being petty now.
Why do you have to take every single little thing? That's like That's just theatre programmes.
That's all that Hey, give me one week on the car - one week.
I've got to go to my cousin's christening.
Oh, there he is.
What's going on? I've got a tape in there.
Can I at least have the tape? Hey, Max! When where you going to tell me you were fired? It's a momentary setback.
I'm setting up a new agency.
It's all going to be fine.
The land mine charity pulled out.
It seems like the gig you booked was with some kind of freaking warlord.
Don't listen to them, they don't know what they are talking about.
They don't understand the power of the Hoff like I do! Stop! Stop! All right? That's it! You and me - finished! Over, done, got it? You are fired.
No, no, no! David Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff! Your lowest point, right? Who was there for you? After your last divorce - who was there for you? I was.
What did I do for you? I got you a part in Piranha 3DD.
Oh, that's not fair.
This is my lowest point, OK? So, I am just asking you to do something for me, OK? Right, we can kill two birds with one stone.
This Tergistani leader, they are saying he's done some bad shit, right? But who better to turn him round than David Hasselhoff, right? YOU can change him, you can get him to disarm.
That's Nobel Peace Prize stuff.
You sing three songs.
We walk away with £250,000.
All right.
You did get me Piranha 3DD.
You should have got a nomination for that, dude! This is your last chance.
We sing, we take the money, maybe we do some good.
Last chance.
That's the Hoff I know and love.
Maybe I'll get back my car.
I don't think so.
Hey, hey.
No, I've soft mints in the glove compartment! Just let me have the soft mints.
I want a soft mint! David Hasselhoff in Tergistan doing a birthday gig for a warlord.
I mean, anything could happen.
I mean, he could start a war.
This warlord is a very, very dangerous man.
Enjoy party! Him can really break your balls.
Pop pop! He shoots the squirrel and he makes me eat it raw.
Squirrel sushi! So, this is your number one son? Yes, my son.
I thought it was like monkey.
Something what he bring for luck or for laughing, but no, it turn out that him son.
Shoot chicken! What is the meaning of this? No! We're going to get killed.