Hoff The Record (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

The Warlord

1 He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin Wall According to the Guinness Book Of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame - but where did the viewers go? Comeback tour was pulled by US promoters.
Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? Another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make.
David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he is leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
You leave the land mines stuff to me.
Hoff is here, here to help! It should have been the Hasselhoff's List.
I saved more people on Baywatch than Schindler saved in WWII.
Who are you? It's David Hasselhoff! And you are expecting me to believe that? Oh, bloody hell.
It is, isn't it? Live land mine! You've just failed the Mike Porridge Hostile Environment Awareness Training course.
Apparently you've agreed to perform at a private concert for a notorious warlord.
Max told me he's a community leader.
Our charity can no longer be associated with you, good day! Whoa! They don't understand the power of the Hoff like I do! You can change it - you can get him to disarm.
That's Nobel Peace Prize stuff! You can't just wander in to a warzone half-cocked.
These Balkan mercenary types are going to be hopped up on poppers and creatine, and steroids.
You need to be ready to bust some heads.
I'm going there in peace.
The power of the Hoff is peace.
These people don't know what peace is.
They haven't had peace in centuries.
You need to be prepared.
I call this one a Liam Neeson, you are going to need it! Ow, ow.
Not the face, not the face.
I'm sorry, David, this is for your own good.
I've taught him eye gauging, I've taught him elbows to the nasal bone and if that all fails I told him to pretend to shit himself and faint.
Dieter, are you packed yet? We've got to be at the airport in an hour.
What's up? Come here, sit down.
Why are you out of breath? I want to show you something.
What's up? Wow.
Whoa! Oh! What do you think? First of all, you've got a rug burn on your face.
I have to be honest with you, the last part is not good.
Look, Max, I don't usually speak up about things like this but I think this whole trip is a bad idea.
From what I read, this warlord is a very, very dangerous man.
I'm going to tell you right now.
I'm getting tired of your constant whingeing.
Yeah? The Hoff needs positive people around him at the moment.
I'm going to be frank with you, you're the voice of doom.
You're depressing.
I just think that you are not thinking this trip through properly.
I used to be the tour manager for S Club Juniors, I think I know how to organise a personal appearance at a birthday party.
It's just a different thing - a war criminal! To S Club Juniors? No, it's not actually.
You'd be surprised.
Let's roll! Get in! Be safe.
Harriet, could you close the door please? Yes, yes.
Sorry! Dad wants to go to Tergistan because, you know, one man can make a difference - and, if anyone can stop the land mines, it's my dad.
Are you meeting Radovan today, yeah - the butcher? Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm kind of excited.
Mate He's pretty mental, mate! Yeah, I don't know where you're getting this information from Internet, innit! I was on a bit of a dark YouTube journey, you know what I mean? I started watching some weird civil war re-enactment porn THEN I watched the Radovan documentary.
He got the leaders of the opposing party, sewed their assholes shut, yeah? And fed them laxatives Max! Are you hearing this? He said he sewed their assholes shut.
The internet is not a credible source.
Don't judge a book by its cover, right! Pride and Prejudice, Mr Darcy, he looked like he was going to be an asshole, turned out he was all right.
This Radovan dude - he might be like the Balkan Mr Darcy! I've got a fact pack, I got given it and in here there is zero mention of sewing up of arseholes There was a bit in the documentary when he Will you just stick to the fact pack please? It says that he is a community leader, not a butcher, not a warlord Community leader! He actually murdered his sister-in-law cos she didn't do his dry-cleaning.
Is there a way we can arrange the seats so that I don't have his voice in my ear all the fucking time? And he is really starting to give me the shits about this warlord.
Community leader.
I tell you what, he watched this one YouTube video and thinks he's an expert.
I've seen shit loads of videos of cats, am I an expert on cats? What do you guys do for fun around here? Whoo! Ha-ha! Hasselhoff David! Hasselhoff David! I cannot believe you is here in Tergistan! I am so happy I could shoot gun! No! I am not going to cos them's very trigger happy.
Michael Knight, Knight Rider! Hey, Kitt, pick me up! Whoa! He did it! Who is? This is my manager, Max Coleman.
Ah, the manager of Hasselhoff David! Must be a very clever fellow, keeping the books! I'm actually doing my best.
And this is my son, Dieter.
Really? Yes.
I thought it was Hoff pet, I thought it was like monkey.
Something what he brings for luck or for laughing - but no, it turned out that it was son.
I too have son.
Oh, really? I'd love to meet him.
No, he's been made dead in the Revolution of 2008.
It's a long story, but listen, do you know Instagram? Very big in the States.
Well, I'm having Instagram picture with you.
Oh, out here? Wow.
You know, this day, I will proclaim a holiday in your name OK .
just like what we did for Saddam Hussein.
Good, good, good! Now, my friends, come to my humble abode.
Please, please.
But you know in the time of the Soviets, this was bunker.
Bunker? Now it's my home and my men call it "The Bunkalow.
" I get it.
Because it's like bungalow, but home and bunker, you know? I get it - Bunkalow! That's very funny.
This is no joke.
This is the son what I'm telling you about - the number one son, here.
Oh, wow, what a handsome boy - and very, very nice moustache.
He got that from his mother.
This number one son killed by the rebels, but don't worry - I get them, catch them all and sewed up their assholes.
So sorry.
What for? For you, for your loss, not the rebels.
OK, this way I've got great surprise for you.
Now, please.
Ready? Surprise.
Oh, my God! Gentlemen, welcome to the Hasselhoff David Memorial Cinema! I've never seen a room like this, ever! You have everything I've ever done.
I mean, you even have my male nude centrefold layout and you pose just like me, I mean, look at that.
We look like twins.
Yes, yes, here in this room on the Friday, my men and me, we watch the episode of Knight Rider, Michael Knight.
Wow! Because they identify with him because he fights against the establishment.
Of course.
They also like Baywatch but that is more for the titties! That's why we made it! Look at this, every single thing I've done.
Baywatch Nights - my favourite.
My book, Knight Rider I've got more surprises for you but first please go to your room, freshen up.
There you will find the little lemon squares, fresh.
Please do the face, hand, bollock, whatever - then come back and we have more surprise.
All right.
OK, well, I guess we'll go and wash our bollocks.
'Harriet, you got it wrong, this guy is cool.
'I mean, he's got every single episode 'of everything I've ever done.
' I mean, he's got episodes of Knight Rider, I don't even remember shooting.
David, you don't seem to be listening to me, all right? Radovan Merkodic is an incredibly unstable and dangerous warlord.
You know, it's sweet that you really care about us that much but he is a lovely guy, really.
The west has got it all wrong.
You can't just ignore all the reports because you get on with him.
We are coping perfectly fine without you.
Thank you, bye! 'Max!' Oh, wow, that was harsh! Lighten up, use a Lemon Fresh.
Look, look! Now, this is number one best surprise.
No, no, I want to do, argh.
I want to do "Three two one.
" It's too late, it's too late.
That looks nothing like Kitt.
No, it's not even a Pontiac Trans Am.
You don't like my Kitt car? Dieter, will you just be quiet? Do not criticise a community leader if that community leader is flanked by two murderous henchmen.
It's very impressive.
It's one of the best cars I've ever seen.
You is stuffed, it's not about what you think.
Hasselhoff David, what do you think? Radovan, I think it's amazing.
Hey, Kitt, buddy! How are you doing pal? Been a long time! Please can we do when I am going to be the Kitt and you'll be Michael Knight together? Come on! We do, we do All right.
Michael, we is chasing the baddy and we will be catching up with them in approximate seven seconds.
OK, buddy, time to hit Turbo Boost.
Well, funny you should say that because I've just installed the rockets which make us even more fast! Excuse me.
What? What are the crates? Never mind what is in them crates.
It's nothing, it's nothing.
Your boy has got a nose like a hawk.
Dieter, for the love of God, would you just be quiet? There are land mines on the crate Listen, boy, get in the car.
We go for drive in Kitt car! OK! Tergistan countryside we go.
You know what, I'm still feeling a bit tired from the flight and I'm getting that thing when you know when you are getting a cold but it's not quite there yet.
We didn't even ask you to come.
Please, Michael, sit, sit! Sure you don't want to go? He doesn't want to go.
I don't want him to go.
Let's fire her up.
Whoa! Whoa.
Hear that? OK, let's take this bitch's pants down and see what she can do.
OK, listen! Let me do talking, no talking.
Let me tell you about Vladic.
He is crazy guy, he's insane, and I should know because he is my brother.
OK, listen, I think, maybe, it's good idea that we get out and have walk in the countryside.
Beautiful! Please, please, come and enjoy countryside.
Hurry, hurry.
Don't worry, it's OK.
Leave Kitt, no problem.
You must keep to the path, OK? Don't go from the path.
Oh, no, no.
Look, tragedy! Here, there's problem here, it's the fur of the golden squirrel.
This creature emblem of my country.
Poor little thing gets blown up with the land mines, you know? Yeah, we've heard about the land.
Terrible, terrible! Radovan, can I ask you a question? What is it, exactly, that you do? What I do is, I have charity organisations, what is provide irrigation equipment for them poor peasant peoples - because I am a charitable man.
I believe that Like Michael Knight Rider, I believe that, "One man "Can make' A difference.
No, no, just me and Hasselhoff David, please! I believe "One man" I need to go to the toilet! ".
can make a difference.
" Yes, yes, and that is me! Where's son of Hasselhoff David? Oh, God.
Stay absolute still.
don't move! What's happening? He is in land mine.
You are in land mine, don't move! Oh, Scheisse Christ! Stay still, stay still! Here, take gun.
Ah! What's happening? If I get my leg blown off, shoot me.
I don't want to leave that life.
Nein movement, nein movement.
Stay there.
Come, come.
He is OK.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Stupid boy! I didn't know.
Listen, he's your son.
Punish him, punish him Bad, bad.
No, with gun.
No, no I should punish him myself.
Thank you for saving his life, thank you, I mean, that was amazing, that was Radovan, you should have been on Baywatch - that was a scene out of Baywatch.
That was awesome.
It's nothing, that's what I would do for my very good friend Hasselhoff David.
It's a favour, you know? And maybe you can do a little favour for me, who knows? Maybe you can use your influence to do some good for me, maybe.
Oh, shh.
Don't move, don't move.
Good! Why did you shoot the squirrel? I thought they were the national symbol of your country.
It's horrible.
Yeah, but them is mostly vermin, you know.
These is vermin - no problem! It's fun to shoot things.
No! You's American.
You should know this! That squirrel's dead! Ja, but listen, it makes you feel good.
If you is man, you get tense - it relaxes you to shoot things.
Make you feel good, as good as like the massage Well, I prefer massage, yeah.
No, no, no, massage later.
Now, shoot! Here, take my gun.
Shoot! There look, chicken.
Shoot chicken, shoot chicken.
Shoot the chicken! Whoa, I didn't shoot that chicken.
No, no, you missed chicken by a mile.
The chicken stand on a land mine but it makes you look really good.
No, no, don't post that.
Ho-ho! This is perfect for Instagram! Yes! Hello, Hoff's quarters! Max! Oh, what is it now, Harriet? Have you seen Merkadic's Instagram stream? Harriet, I'm too busy.
I'm the manager of Torquay United and my main striker has just broken his metatarsal.
Well, Merkadic has posted a video of David shooting a chicken in cold blood.
David looks ridiculous.
Twitter is really ripping into him.
Harriet! People are calling him David Kalashnik-hoff.
I told you this before, the Hoff only has room for positive people on his team.
I've got this container of irrigation equipment what is stuck in British Customs.
And Cameron David is not releasing it to come to Tergistan and I'm thinking, "Who knows Cameron David like friend?" What? It's you! It's true.
I mean, he is a friend of mine.
I do know David Cameron.
Maybe, for my birthday, you can do the video message to him to say, "Come on, please, just release irrigation equipment.
" I really do appreciate everything you've done for me but I honestly need to know a lot more before I talk to David Cameron or send him a video message.
There is no more to know, it's irrigation equipment, no guns - and remember I saved your son's life.
No You did, you did save my son's life but you know, we'll talk about it tomorrow.
We'll have no more of this negativity.
Yes, I know, but I think Yeah, well, that's your problem, Harriet! You think too much.
Let me tell you about this industry.
There is no room for people who think! No, Max You like thinking? Here is a thought You're fired.
You can't just fire me like that.
All right, then, I'll fire you like this You're fired! You could do though, couldn't you? You could do little message to him to say "Please release them irrigation equipment.
" You know, because it's my birthday.
I know it's your birthday.
but I Also, your son could still have accident.
It's a very dangerous place, you know, a car could fall on him.
Yeah! I mean I want to make sure he's OK Yes.
and we'll talk about it in the morning.
Hey, come on, I know.
I'm breaking your balls! Listen, him, him can really break your balls.
Strong man The finance minister of Tergistan.
Him, pop pop - break his balls.
Oh! I'm feeling really good.
I'm so relaxed, I could go shoot something.
Should we? Let's go shooting.
Come, come, come.
It's good.
Massage, shoot, shoot.
Oh, my God.
We've got to get out of here.
Dad! Are you OK? What's on your face? It's OK, it's just squirrel blood.
First, the massage, OK? He is incessantly talking about David Cameron and then he takes me out shooting again.
He shoots a squirrel, he skins it and he makes me eat it raw.
Squirrel sushi! He's crazy.
I ate squirrel sushi.
Harriet was right, this place is bad news.
Get her on the phone, get us out of here.
I'm getting out of here No, right, listen! Let's just do the gig You still want me to sing?! We need the money, we're desperate.
Last week, I was trying to find out if you had any untapped PPI claims.
OK, I'll sing, you get the money and we go.
Promise? Great! No.
Aren't you going to say anything about the land mines? Laying down the weapons? No, don't bring that up.
It's not important.
Dieter, they all have guns.
Every one of them has a weapon but us.
Every one of them.
But we came here on a mission and you said, "The Hoff does not quit!" No! They will kill us.
They will kill us.
This Hoff is out of town.
Well, maybe MAYBE, there is a new Hoff in town.
What? Will you get off that game and do something? One minute, I'm just about to get Torquay into the semifinals of the Champions League Oh.
Dieter! Goal! Argh! Disallowed?! Oh, ho-ho! Who is there? It's my very good friend, Hasselhoff David.
You look beautiful, you are beautiful man.
Come, we dance! No, no, no! I want to sing.
I want to make a grand entrance, then I'll dance.
OK, he knows.
He showbiz! Ha-ha, come, boy - we dance! I sing, you get the money and we're out of here, OK? And keep him away from me.
You start, I start.
first to middle, get gone.
Ready? Please no, please no! Here, Hoff! It's good for the voice.
I'm thinking, maybe now it's the good time to do video message.
I promise I'll do the video message after I sing but, right now, I just really want to rest my voice.
You is a beautiful man.
Thank you.
We kiss? No, no! No kissing, no.
So, I don't know if you've ever thought of getting representation Clapping, clapping! Clapping stop! Good.
OK, now it's time to welcome very good new best friend of mine, Mr Hasselhoff David, and him has promised that he will persuade his best friend Mr Cameron David to release the "irrigation equipment" through the Customs! Oh, yes, Mr Hasselhoff David.
Look, it is really him! Happy Birthday! This song is for you.
All right, here we go.
Hit it! # One morning in June some 20 years ago # I was born a rich man's son # I had everything that money could buy # But freedom, I had none # I've been looking for freedom # I've been looking so long # I've been looking for freedom Still the search goes on When David took the stage, I just wanted him to sing the song so we could get the fuck out of there and I was grateful that he sang the two-and-a-half minute version.
# I've been looking for freedom # Still it can't be found Can't be found! Thank you, Hasselhoff David.
No, no, no shooting.
Gun in the air.
Just clap.
We is indoors, common sense! Thank you.
Thank you, Hasselhoff David.
thank you, everybody.
Party! Party! That was wonderful, thank you.
Thank you so much! Really enjoyed it! Now, about that money? Oh! You is like a little piggy wig for the money, isn't it? ANd little piggy is getting Cash, yeah? Yes, cash.
OK, in Tergistan, we have a saying - "Two Hoffs is better than one.
" You have met the father, now you meet the son.
Here to do a techno move, it's Dieter Hasselhoff! No, no, no.
Don't do this.
Seriously, I'm begging you, don't do this.
It's not your audience One man can make a difference, remember? OK, look.
He finished the dance, we get out of here.
Oh, it's the robot.
He's doing the robot.
He's actually doing the robot.
What is that? I think he just threw a grenade.
Oh, a land mine.
Oh, God! He stepped on a land mine.
I think he is trying to tell a story.
Oh, no! We're going to get killed.
If you want to portray a message, don't use fucking dance.
Oh, oh! He's been shot.
He's a lady, a lady with a baby 'A mother with a baby and a guy trying to shoot the baby, 'some guy getting his fingers cut-off, I think, 'either that or 'just someone making fingerless gloves.
' He's like a fucked up dinosaur.
Oh, my God.
We're all going to die.
Oh, he's losing his limbs! I didn't know he was going to do this.
Oh, this is heavily researched.
All right! Give it up for my son, Dieter! I wanted to show, with this dance, Mr Hasselhoff and me want to show you what you really are! What is the meaning of this? Well, hard to say.
Don't take anything bad from it.
Do not be nasty warlords.
We should make peace! It's fine, it's fine, be warlords.
PEACE! Thank you very much.
We're going to go and get changed and we'll be right back to join the party! Yeah, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Enjoy the party, please, please.
Enjoy party Enjoy party! No there is not going to be a fucking raffle.
No! So, we ran out of the party.
We ran to the garage, we opened the doors, we got in the Kitt car It's good to be back.
Let's go, buddy! .
and then we ran out of petrol Oh, shit.
Oh, God! We're out of gas.
It's funny, I've never ran out of gas on Knight Rider ever! All right, let's go.
That car is shit! Have we lost them? I think we lost them.
Just keep moving, just keep moving.
I think we should have turned right at that point.
Freeze, freeze! Freeze, don't move.
I think we've got a problem.
I think we've accidently wandered into a minefield.
Oh, God! What are we going to do? I don't know.
How the hell do I know? Don't you remember something from the Hostile Environment Training course? No.
I flunked it.
Wait a second, Harriet passed.
I'll call Harriet.
No, no, no, don't call Harriet.
What is she going to add to the situation? What do you suggest I do? We can't call Harriet.
Why not? Because I fired her.
You fired her, why? Because she was kept going on about this trip being a bad idea.
Well, from where I'm standing, I think she's got a fricking good point.
I literally cannot believe you have sacked Harriet.
All right, all right.
No, it's not all right, You English is Schweinen ficken.
All right, don't get all Downfall on me.
Ja, I get all Downfall.
That's all you go, is the Hitler joke.
Eins, Zwei, Drei! Stop it! 'Hello' Hi, Harriet.
How are you? 'I'm good, thanks.
How are you?' Oh, I'm great, I'm great.
'I just called to say that' We accidently wandered into a minefield and we were wondering if maybe you could call someone to come and pick us up? 'Right so you need my help now, do you?' Yeah, we really do need your help.
Is Max with you? Yeah, yeah, Max is here.
Hi, Harriet.
Max says, "Hi.
" I think someone from the land mine charity might be in the area.
'I call them.
' Thank you, thank you very much.
She's sending someone.
Dieter! Nein.
I am not a part of this situation, I'm telling you.
You got to pull over, brother.
You've got to pull over right now.
Do not attempt to engage with David Hasselhoff.
He's kidnapped a child.
That's the best place to end this.
To end what? He's got a gun! No, no.
Come on, man, come on! Let's go out with a bang!