Hoff The Record (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

The Abduction

1 He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin Wall.
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame, but where did the viewers go? .
that tour was pulled by US promoters.
Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? Another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make.
David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
We need the money, we're desperate.
Last week, I was trying to find out if you had any untapped PPI claims.
Give me, like, one week on the car.
Hey! Look, I've got soft mints in the glove box.
This warlord is a very, very dangerous man.
Enjoy party! Him can really break your balls.
Pop, pop! Oh! Break his balls.
Oh! David looks ridiculous.
Shoot chicken.
Argh! Twitter is really ripping into him.
You're fired.
You can't just fire me.
Your English is Schweinerficker.
I literally cannot believe that you've sacked Harriet.
All three of them had been locked in the boot for a month before we found them.
Hey! Five Six.
What's going on? This is my time slot - what's up? You know my copy of The Hunt for Red October? Yeah.
And that medium-sized kettle bell I lent you? Yeah.
I want them back.
Whoa! What? Are you angry with me or something? If you don't pay for me, you don't get all of me.
I just checked my account.
I haven't paid for the last four weeks, so I've got a client who's filled your time slot, who can pay.
His name is Jeremy, he's a chartered accountant, he's got a lovely, full head of hair.
Well, Jeremy is about to kill himself.
Ever since we've got back from Tergistan, everything's been shit.
I mean, it felt like a failure.
No! No! We're going to get killed.
You know, we are very much limited in terms of our options right now.
Basically, we're in the shit.
Well, what does "Basically, we're in the shit" mean? OK, you got fired from the film.
I quit.
We didn't get paid for the advert.
We didn't get paid by the warlord.
The land mine charity has just invoiced us for 100 grand because we had to be rescued from a minefield in Tergistan.
We haven't paid the hotel, Danny, Harriet for the last two months.
And I've just washed all my clothes upstairs in the sink and they're drying on the radiator.
Don't sugar coat it, Max, tell me like it is.
Yeah, I haven't finished that, mate.
What gigs have we got coming up? Nothing.
Nothing! There was a pantomime that you turned down.
What's a pantomime? It's a really respected form of British theatre.
Really? Christopher Biggins is in it.
Who's Christopher Biggins? He's like the British Ryan Gosling.
Book it.
Book it.
I'll buy you a beer.
Sorry, I'm trying to get my head round this.
It feels like I'm having a stroke.
Christopher-fucking-Biggins is worried about sharing a bill with David Hasselhoff.
Why? Bad press? You're not going to like this.
They want you to have a face-to-face with Christopher Biggins at Southend-on-Sea tomorrow morning.
Fine! Fine? Fine! OK.
Apparently, things aren't looking good for David, financially.
Well, I get 15% of what he gets, so how do you think they're looking for me? My suits right now are at the dry cleaner's, right? I can't get them until I can pay the bill for those suits.
My suits are in prison.
When you go for a piss in a suit, inevitably there might be a bit of dribble.
In a dark suit, you can't see it.
In these tracksuit bottoms, every piss is a risk! What's going on? I am going back to Germany.
Dieter, you can't go back to Germany.
What are you talking about? Stick around.
No, Dad, I have decided.
You can't stop me.
I don't know a lot about the entertainment industry, but what I do know is you don't sack people who are doing a good job.
What are you going to do about Harriet? Max says I can't afford to pay her.
I am really angry now, but I am not going to show it in my face.
I'm broke, Dieter.
That's just an excuse! You know what? Michael Knight would not have let this happen.
Liam Neeson would not let this happen.
Stop the Liam Neeson stuff! Even SpongeBob SquarePants would not have let this happen.
Dieter, you forgot your inhaler! Damn it! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, buddy.
Hello, Hoff, how you doing? Do you know where Southend-on-Sea is? Yeah, do you want to go there? Yeah.
By the way, boss, if you don't mind, I've got to go home and just pick something up on the way, if that's all right.
That's fine.
I've just got to look at my script anyway.
Do you know anything about pantos? No.
Everything seemed fine that day, but I was wrong.
Let's jog, let's jog a little bit.
Yeah, a little jog with Daddy.
There you go.
Get in the car.
Wow, what's going on? That's all right, don't worry about it.
And this is when I realised that something was wrong.
Terry, what's going on? Why is she here? She's crying.
Listen, Jamilla baby, listen, we're just going on a little ride, all right? This is David Hasselhoff, he's a big, big star, he was in SpongeBob! SpongeBob is boring.
I saved SpongeBob's life.
Rubbish! That's so sweet.
Buddy, she is crying! Why is she here? She's in her pyjamas.
Look, it's my wife, mate, all right, she doesn't let me see my own kid.
That's impossible! You live with your wife.
Look, David, I lied, mate.
Look, I don't live with my family, OK.
I live in a little tiny bedsit in Reigate, yeah.
She doesn't let me see my kid.
You've got ex-wives, you feel my pain, you know what I'm going through right now? I need to see my daughter.
She is spending her life without her old man and I mean, look at me, I'm a perfect role model for any child.
Buddy, what you're doing is stupid! There's no happy ending in this, OK? No happy ending! And do me a favour, OK? Slow the car down, pull over and let me out.
OK? Slow the car down, pull over and I'm out, OK? I got a meeting with Christopher Biggins.
This is bigger than Biggins right now, mate.
This this is our mission.
And nothing's going to stop our mission, mate.
David, I'm going to have to ask you to give me the phone right now.
Give me the phone, David! Give me the phone.
I'm telling you, this is not cool, this is not cool.
What do you want, Leila? 'Bring Jamilla back here now.
' I don't care, I've taken her.
She's my daughter as well.
Jamilla's mum is, she's difficult, you know what I mean? It's a very rocky relationship we have, you know - when you kind of hate and love someone but then you also love to hate them, and hate to love them, and hate love.
Love hating love - I got a bit confused there, but basically, she's a bit of a bitch.
Why is Daddy shouting at Mummy? So what? It's not fair, all right? I really don't know, sweetie, but I've got this show here, it's called Peter Pan, it's really good, have you ever seen it? I'm in my car with my daughter and David Hasselhoff.
'David Hasselhoff? What's he doing with Jamilla?' Yeah, he's here with me, he's part of my plan.
'Part of what plan?' Nothing can stop us, yeah.
'What's David Hasselhoff's plan?' You're never going to get away from me alive! 'He's going to kill her?' He's my friend! No, wait, he's my best friend! 'I knew this would happen when you started driving for that weirdo.
' We're in this together now.
'I'm calling the police!' You can't stop us.
'The police can stop you.
' How dare you? Just for that, I'll slice you open and rip out your gizzards.
I love my daughter, nothing is going to stop me.
Wendy says 'I am not having David Hasselhoff put his hands on my daughter.
' I don't want to hear any more Leila I'm sick of your voice.
I really need a wee.
Hear that, Terry? Your daughter really needs to go to the bathroom, you know, buddy, and so do I.
So why don't you pull over, OK, and I'll take her to the bathroom? We can't stop now, nothing can stop our mission, nothing! What mission? Thanks for letting me stay.
As they say, a rolling stone doesn't gather the moss, but don't put the moss on top of Thanks for having me to stay.
You are a very kind woman and you have a very English family.
I've got this app, we can listen in to the police.
'Yeah, we're getting new information, David Hasselhoff, 'I repeat, David Hasselhoff is in the car with a little girl.
' Did you hear that? That's us! The plan's working.
It's finally working.
Why did they mention my name? I'm not a part of this.
Dave, you are now, this is me and you, now, this is our thing, man.
No, no, it's not OUR thing.
I'm not a part of this situation.
I'm telling you, you've got to pull over, brother, you got to pull over right now! Daddy! I really need a wee.
You hear that? She's really got to go, I've got to go too.
I drunk two quarters of coconut water this morning.
Come on brother, pull over! Listen, listen - you lot can go when we get to the cliffs.
Cliffs? What cliffs? The White Cliffs of Dover! That's the best place to end it.
To end what? End it all.
Maybe you could come and visit me in Dusseldorf sometime? The thing about Harriet - she's quite a sensual girl.
She is not afraid to wear something that is a bit sexy and I think she has been looking at me in that sort of a way, you know.
'Now, we're just getting some breaking news, but it seems that there are unconfirmed reports 'that David Hasselhoff of Baywatch and Knight Rider' Do you mind just turning that up? '.
abducted a young girl from her house.
'It seems there is warrant out for his arrest.
'The police are telling people to avoid the southern stretch of the A2' Could you just hold on for a minute, please? '.
exit 7 and 9.
We are actually trying to find out' Max! It's Harriet, have you heard about David? Yeah, it's great, isn't it? He's actually trending on Twitter.
It's fantastic! Now, we are due to have a phone-in about funny names for cheese but I want to know what YOU think of this news.
This is happening live right now.
What is going on with David Hasselhoff? But Max, we need to help him.
Can you come and pick us up in your car? I did have a car, but that has been repossessed.
Right, we'll be with you ASAP.
Where are you? Do you know a place called Spoons? Why are you in a strip bar? I represent David.
Do I truly know him? Do I truly know what he's capable of? I don't know, I don't know if I do.
Did the cast of Animal Hospital truly know Rolf Harris? You want to be able to say, "Oh, no, he seemed such a lovely bloke", but Were there signs? I don't know, he knew a lot about SpongeBob SquarePants.
This is Talk London FM.
Has The Hoff gone mental? Yeah, I'll be honest - I was excited that David was trending, that is never a bad thing.
I was persistently looking at Amazon sales ranks to see if his autobiography had gone up at all.
It had, it broke the top 300,000.
I was pleased for him.
OK, so we can offer you a brand-new, updated version of his biography.
No, it's not going to go wrong.
No, there is no way he is going to kill that kid or any kid.
That's just not his style.
All right, let's say he kills the kid.
I am sat right now with Dieter Hasselhoff, his long-lost German son, who would be more than happy to write a memoir all about being abandoned as a baby in the rubble of the Berlin Wall, and the tragedy of losing The Hoff twice.
Think about it! I am slightly conflicted about Max's book idea because I think I would be a good novelist, but also I don't want to write shit about my dad after he has shot himself in the head.
Can you picture it in your mind? 'I can't, I don't like the look of this one.
' Does it look good? 'No.
' OK, we could call it "Abandoned Hasselhoff".
Das verlassen Hasselhoff! 'It's not going to work.
' Das verlassen Hasselhoff! 'I tell you what - is he good looking?' No, he's not a looker.
'Not a good cover?' No, we won't have his face on the cover.
'Dispatch here.
There is speculation that the suspect 'is driving towards Dover and the coast.
'We need patrols on the A2, A22 and the A259.
' Right, listen, did you hear that? We've got to change route, all right? Don't worry, don't worry.
I know a place that we can go, a place where we can finish this! You can't put yourself above the law.
You can't fight against them, they're going to win, man! You've got to understand, man, this is the only way.
This is the only way.
What is David's password? If I can figure it out, we would track his phone.
Is it Dieter? No, it wouldn't be you.
Try "David Hasselhoff".
"David Hasselhoff" Oh, my goodness, it worked.
We're in! Driver, please follow that flashing dot, that's David Hasselhoff! All right, love.
If I crash, you're paying.
Am I paying? If you want to, yeah.
So we tracked David's phone and I felt like, you know, I was Kitt, I was Kitt.
Daddy, I really need a wee.
Listen, look, baby - we're almost there, all right? Please just give us a couple of minutes, we're nearly there.
I can't, it's coming! Give me a minute, we're nearly there, all right? Terry, it's your daughter, if she goes on the seat, it could traumatise her for life.
If she goes on my 42,000 suit, it could traumatise me.
Come on, man.
Pull over.
We can't stop right now, the police are onto us.
'If he's done something to that little kid, 'he should be burned at the stake.
' Well, that's just too much, we've moved on from that, that's just medieval.
Most of you seem to be saying that The Hoff has completely lost it this time.
You're a backstabber, you're meant to be friends with David.
I should mention here that I used to be on pretty friendly terms with David Hasselhoff.
He invited me to LA and on the first day I got there, he asked me to go for a Chinese in a shopping mall with him and The Saturdays.
He turned up two hours late, me and all of The Saturdays were sat there, eventually we ordered, he turned up for 20 minutes and then left us with the bill.
It just shows you never really know someone, do you? 'Suspect has been located.
Repeat, do not intercept.
'There is a child on board.
' They're onto us.
Terry, there are police cars, there are sirens - come on, man.
'Now, this could be interesting.
We've got Josh on line three.
'Josh, I want to know about the David Hasselhoff that you know.
You recently worked on a film with him, is that right? 'That's right, I did.
' Oh, this prick.
This guy is a complete tool box.
'He actually attacked his co-star, it was vicious.
' So are you, fundamentally, on the inside, Josh.
'What is going on in Hoff-land?' Listen, listen, Hoff, yeah, these people don't understand you, mate, all right, yeah, they're not even fit to clean your shoes, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.
No, no.
Do me a favour, don't, OK? No, no, I will, I insist.
Do you really think this is the best way to get to that flashing dot? You're driving like a bellend.
Hello, yes, my name's Terry Oh, great.
Now, we've got Terry on the line.
Terry, latest reports are suggesting The Hoff has kidnapped 'a young girl and is now locked in a chase with the police along the A2.
'Are you surprised he's got involved in something like this?' I'm not involved in this, I'm not involved! Did you hear that? That's my dad.
I heard my dad in the background.
You don't understand, Hoff is old school, right? He's a man of integrity, a man of honour, he's like John Wayne and Ghandi and like, Jason Statham or someone like that, yeah.
If your listeners who called into your show, actually met The Hoff, yeah, they would change their minds fucking sharpish, mate.
I'm afraid we can't have any swearing here, Terry.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's just fucking out of order, all right.
Terry, I'm sorry, we can't have swearing on air, this is a daytime show.
Fuck, shit, sorry I didn't mean to, fuck That's all from Terry and I must apologise on behalf of Terry That showed them.
'I get it.
It's an emotive topic.
' Yeah, we really showed them.
'This is exciting.
We have an exclusive for you now.
'David Hasselhoff's actual son.
'Now, Dieter' Oh, my God.
if your father could hear a message from you tonight, what would you say?' 'Daddy, I didn't go back to Germany.
' I want to apologise for refusing to talk to you earlier and for walking out.
I think that you should let the girl go free and not do anything stupid.
Then we can sit down and watch all your movies together Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Do you hear that? They've got Dieter.
They got my son involved, Terry! We're getting another update.
Apparently the situation has now escalated and The Hoff is being pursued like in the OJ Simpson case.
If you find yourself on the road and the police advise you to stop your car, do not attempt to engage with David Hasselhoff.
I really need a wee.
Just go in your pants, Jamilla, I have.
Change of plan, David.
We're not going to make it to the cliffs.
What? 'Officers in position.
Securing perimeter.
' OK, all right, why are we stopping? Terry, come on, man, don't do anything stupid.
David, this is the most sensible thing I've ever done, mate.
Come on.
Listen, David, you're going to have to do me a favour, mate, yeah, and just put this on.
Put this on, please.
What is this, some kind of joke? Put it on, please.
Spandex? Yes.
I don't WEAR Spandex.
It's part of the plan, David.
Is it Strictly Come Dancing weird stuff? I'm not wearing this! Just put it on, mate.
I'm not wearing this.
No, it's not my colour, I don't wear Spandex.
Well, you know what? I haven't even got the receipt, so that's £10.
50 I'm never going to get back.
I'll pay the £10.
All right, listen, listen, listen.
Just put this on, put this on.
Hurry up.
Hurry up, David.
Come on.
All right, easy.
Easy, I'll put it on.
We haven't got time, mate.
What the hell? Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? No, no, come on, man, come on.
Let's go out with a bang! That's not funny.
Let's go out with a bang That's not funny, that's not funny.
Help me with this, come on, I need a hand.
You scared the shit out of me, what's wrong with you? What is WRONG with you? What is "Farthers for Justice"? It's fathers for justice, mate.
Listen, we're renegades.
Why are you doing this? This is a protest, all right, do you understand? Look, all right.
This is publicity, all right.
It's the only way you make a change.
I learnt from you, all right.
I mean, look at us - people are going to LOVE this.
Fathers for Justice! Maybe Terry can't spell, that's sad.
Then I really thought about, wow, what a life, you know, you don't have your child, and he can't spell, either.
It's actually a big weakness, I'll say it's my Achilles heel, and I couldn't even spell that.
'OK, so we're back to Hoff Watch.
The situation, as we understand 'it now, is David Hasselhoff and an unnamed accomplice have driven to a 'multistorey car park in New Malden.
They've still got the little girl 'with them and there are now reports of a stand-off with police.
' Just here, thank you.
Can I have my phone please? Have you got any money? Where do we go? This way! I feel like I'm in The Wire.
We're coming! Dieter, slow down! 'Apparently, they've unveiled a large "Fathers for Justice" banner.
'Although I'm looking at the television pictures 'and their spelling leaves a lot to be desired.
'These pictures are live as they are happening.
' David Hasselhoff has officially broken Twitter.
It's a pantomime! Family, children.
It's far too risky.
Come on, yeah, wrap your cameras around this, come here, come here.
I've got a little announcement, all right, yeah.
Me and David Hasselhoff are staging a protest, yeah, about the way that fathers are treated in this country, all right.
David Hasselhoff is an example of what can happen if you don't get to see your kid.
He hasn't seen his kid for 25 years and look at him now.
All right, we are fathers, we are fed up and we want justice.
Stop using me as an example.
Dad! He's having an asthma attack! Dieter! Here! He's got a gun No, it's not a gun, it's an asthma inhaler, he's asthmatic.
He hasn't had it all day.
Lay down your weapon.
This is not a weapon.
What the hell have you done to my dad? Dieter! Let go of the child.
No, you're going to Taser me.
We will not Taser you.
Can you do that again? And the funny thing about the Taser is I kind of liked it.
I get cramps in my left leg from jumping in and out of that Kitt car and on and off Baywatch rescue towers and it kind of made my left leg feel pretty good.
Those Tasers pack one hell of a punch.
I've had worse.
This is amazing.
Every news channel wants an exclusive with the hero of the day.
Look at them, they love you! You're the number one trend on Twitter.
I knew he hadn't abducted that kid.
I was the first one saying, "Of course he didn't".
So in the end, it all turned out great and then I did go down to the police station and Well, he gave me a Taser gun and I've that Taser gun in a drawer and once in a while, rough night, I just kind of give myself a little shot and puts me right out.
Taser and an inhaler together Wow.
Looking back on it, fucking What the fuck? What was I thinking? Pretty mental, innit? I had a police chase with David Hasselhoff in the back.
Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be out, I'm going to be out of jail in a couple of months.
Got my tag, you know what I mean? I'm going to be on tag, so I'm still going to continue my cab service and I've actually combined it with an Uber service because Ally and Lee won't have me back now, so I'm going to go on Uber Cabs, and use my tag as a tracking device as well, so then the customers can see where I am, and the police.
So they know I'm not going to kidnap anyone.
Oh, God.
All right.
Yes, go Dad! Oh, look, I've got Well done, it's so realistic! Thank you.
What a run, huh? Whoo! Yeah! Oh, what a closing night! Thank you.
Listen, I've just spoken to the promoters.
They've offered you a contract for two more seasons.
What do you think? They haven't done this since the Chuckle Brothers.
You know what I think? I looked out there and I saw these kids jumping up and down, you know, screaming and hollering and clapping, and I thought, "What about those kids who can't even walk, man?" What about those kids who're blind and can't even see a show or deaf and can't hear the show or can't clap because they don't have any hands, you know.
I'm tired of being David Hasselhoff, you know, I'm tired of being the Knight Rider, I'm more than that, I'm more than Baywatch, you know.
I'm more than that.
I can save the world, man.
And that's what I want to do.
I want to save the world.
I don't want to do this any more, but I can, believe me - I can save the world.
That's what I want to do.
OK, great.
Totally down with all that shit, but you do need to know how much they're offering.
Book it.
I can save the world later.
Do it later.
I've been looking for freedom.
I'm David Hasselhoff.
# I've been looking so long.
# Turbo boost! Ah! Hey, Kitt, pick me up, buddy.
Are you wearing make up? Hey! It's good to be back.
Ah! Some people call me The Hoff.
I shat myself.
He's stolen that from Adolf Hitler.
Don't hassle The Hoff.