Hollywood Darlings (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

My So-Called Prom

1 Oh, you guys, this is my new favorite drink.
It's totally detoxifying.
It's made with charcoal.
[gags] Ugh.
Blech.
Oh, God, it tastes like camping.
Here, try it.
- Ugh.
- Hi.
I just wanted to come over and say I'm the biggest fan.
- Oh, hi, how are you? - Carrie.
- Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Hi Jodie, I know your name.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, are you Beverley Mitchell? - Hi.
- Oh, my gosh! Are Lucy Camden and Stephanie Tanner friends in real life? Both: We are.
Like, I loved "Full House," but, like, I loved "7th Heaven.
" Can I take a picture with you guys? I just want to, like Do you think you could? - Thank you so, so much.
- Oh, yeah.
I just want to, like, post it to everybody - I ever went to high school with.
- Sure.
They'd get a kick out of it.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Say "Al Lambert.
" Al Lambert.
Who's that? [camera shutter clicking] Okay, I'm just gonna take a selfie, too, just for you.
- Oh.
- Just for later, just for fun.
- Okay.
- Here you go.
Hey, we've got an extra one of these.
You into charcoal that's been sweetened? Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
- There you go.
- Anyway, thank you.
It was so nice to meet you.
You're a wonderfully horrible person.
I know.
That's why we're friends.
[quirky music] Oh, look at the babies.
Oh, okay, so I had this audition the other day, and the casting assistant could not stop talking about the '90s and being a big fan of "Step by Step" and Al.
It's like, I feel like sometimes people in the business can't see us for anything other than our old characters.
Yeah.
My spiritual advisor, he says Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Your "spiritual advisor"? - Yeah.
Is this the same spiritual advisor that, like, told you to shove a rose quartz up your vag to get pregnant? Hey, I got a six-month old, bitches, so call it what you will, but this [bleep] works.
Okay.
Anyway, he says maybe I have a block.
Maybe there's something that I haven't done in my past and that's causing me to not be able to move forward.
I certainly don't have that problem.
I think I did everything in my past as possible.
No, you're pretty unblocked.
You're, like, Metamucil of life.
Well, we've actually been friends since we were kids.
The great thing about being a child actor is that we had some really amazing experiences growing up.
Yeah, it's kind of this, like, unique little club that we're in.
For us, this was our Girl Scouts.
Yeah, but instead of going out into the field and, like, having a real camping trip, we just had one on stage eight with, like, a fake rock and a trained bear.
I only had Happy the dog.
We did one episode with this, uh, this donkey that got a hard-on every time he saw John Stamos.
- Can you blame him? - [laughs] You know, like, there were a lot of things I missed out on.
Like, I never went to prom.
I just wanted to have the experience.
Like, get a corsage, go in a crappy limo, you know, wake up with vomit in my hair.
My prom was nothing like that.
You know what I really would love to do? A slumber party.
- Best idea ever.
- No.
I have no interest in re-creating a slumber party, nothing like that.
I survived my childhood, I barely survived my teens and my 20s, I'm very happy where I am now, and I would like to stay there.
- So let's do the slumber party.
- Yes.
Ooh, we could do prank calls.
Prank calls? Like, Ouija board? And you know what? Let's we can [gasps] Let's go get some great '90s movies.
- Yes.
- Yes! - Yes! - Yes.
- Yes! - Yes.
I love this idea! This is why people hate child actors.
[sighs] All right, are you ready? Yeah.
Wow.
So I just made a little vision board for our slumber party.
So that way, we actually hit all the important points.
So, um, you know, I just got, like, brush each other's hair, puffy paint, makeovers.
Secret-telling.
Um, teen movies.
You know, I'm gonna be honest with you, Bev, this is feeling a little "7th Heaven" to me.
The slumber parties I experienced growing up were a little more "Dazed and Confused.
" It's more like, you get into the parent's liquor cabinet, you get a little bit of root beer, maybe some Jack Daniels, you throw a little vermouth in there.
Kind of, like, swish it all up, then you end up puking, crying, telling each other our deepest secrets and how much we love each other, and that usually ends with either perms, or braiding each other's hair, or cutting bangs.
- No bangs.
- All right.
I did the bangs.
Bangs bangs weren't a good look.
Fair enough, fair enough.
Oh, so I'm trying to get a prom date and it's not going well.
So I went on YouTube.
Apparently, there's not a lot of videos out there of teenage boys requesting Christine Lakin to take them to prom.
- Really? Yeah.
- I know, shocking.
I decided to make my own video.
"Teenage boys, hello, I will take you to prom.
" I just posted it, like, 20 minutes ago.
So the only thing I have left to do is find a prom dress, really.
Let's go find your prom dress, get the teen movies.
- This is gonna be great.
- Yeah.
Somebody definitely wants to take you to prom.
Yeah, my milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard.
What is that doing back in here? - That was in the box.
- Why are you getting rid of it? - Who needs a slot machine? - This thing's awesome.
[whirring, rattling] We do not need it around here, okay? We've got kids.
The last they need is to start a compulsive gambling habit.
- Put it in the box.
- Okay.
Thank you.
What else are you getting rid of? Mr.
Bear? Aren't you sentimental at all? It's not my real bear.
It was Mr.
Bear, he was a prop.
You're gonna regret getting rid of this.
If we don't clear this out, this is gonna turn into an episode of "Hoarders.
" There are gonna be dead cats under boxes.
- Dead cats? - No, that's how it happens.
- That's how it happens.
- That's how they start? - They just move in - Have you ever watched "Hoarders"? You know how they started? - Saving old bears.
- [laughs] I'm telling you, that's how it starts.
Well, am I gonna end up in a box someday? Yeah, it's called a coffin.
Yeah, that's a good point.
This place is actually an authentic VHS store.
This is like a blast from the past.
Ugh, I don't get it.
Nobody is responding to my YouTube video.
They keep taking it down.
- What's up? - Let me see.
Well, it might be the title.
"Wanted: Teenage Boys.
" The title No, to take to prom.
- It doesn't say that.
- To take to prom! It cut it off.
Ugh! Where else am I gonna find teenage boys? I got to stop saying stuff like that.
- Yeah.
- Welcome, ladies.
What's your pleasure? We are looking for some '90s teen films.
- Love '90s movies.
- Great.
Got a whole '90s section right over here.
Oh, awesome! - See, a perfect spot.
- Follow me.
What is that smell? I can't place it.
So, '90s teen section as promised.
- Hmm.
- All right.
I don't think this is the VHS store of your dreams, Bev.
All those items are on sale, by the way.
I think we might, uh Want to see some of the titles? - "The Booby-titters Club.
" - Yes! That one just explains itself.
"I Know Who You Did Last Summer.
" Oh, classic.
Oh, "10 Things I Fellate About you.
" You know what, I'm so sorry.
I think we are in the wrong space.
- No, no, I - We'll just be going.
We should take advantage of this.
I mean, Bev, anal beads, two for one.
You know, see, I wouldn't be touching that.
Oh, or what about Look at this.
Easy-to-make clone your own vibrator.
- Bev, crafter-noon! - Oh! I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Oh, Bev, Bev! What about Bev! Come on, it's pink elephant! You can't find these things anymore.
Mm-mm, no.
Do you have batteries for this? [quirky music] - Hey.
- Hi.
Hey! You're the girl from, um - "Full House.
" - "Family Matters.
" - It's close.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, it's "Full House.
" - Oh, oh, "Full" - That's what I meant to say.
- Yeah, it's close.
Happens all the time.
So you got some stuff to sell? - Yep, let's eBay it, yep.
- Sweet, that's what we do.
Just go ahead and sign your name here and put your cell phone there.
Okay, will do.
Perfect.
I had such a crush on you when I was younger.
- Aw, that's - I mean, that was a kid thing.
- You know? - Yeah.
But this is my assistant's number I'm putting down.
Great well, yeah, whatever I can call when stuff is done.
Good.
We sell lots of celebrity stuff here.
Mario Lopez came in here, I sold a bunch of his tank tops.
He was totally cool.
What do you got in here? Oh, look at this.
Oh.
Oh, this is Mr.
Bear.
Yeah, it's Mr.
Bear.
Are you sure you want to sell this? I mean, you guys been through a lot of dark times together.
My dark times were a little later.
This is, like, your whole childhood, though.
No, it's Stephanie's childhood.
It's not my childhood.
- Eh - Eh, it was a prop.
You sure you don't want to take this home - and think about it? - Nope, it's in the box.
- Just hold it one more time? - Just sell the [bleep] bear.
- Okay, yeah.
- Got it.
No problem, I can do that.
Great.
I'll give you a call or your assistant a call when it's done.
Yeah, okay.
Awesome.
- And, um, great.
- Thank you, bye.
Later.
"How rude.
" [chuckles] - Never heard that before.
- Really? I hear it all the time.
Okay, later.
[quirky music] How does it look? [both gasping] I know! It's amazing! It really is, isn't it? Oh, I feel like I could've had a quinceañera in this in another life.
- That screams prom.
- It really does.
I've always wanted to just find a fabulous dress and have a night that I would never forget.
Wouldn't that be your wedding? Oh, I was totally wasted at my wedding.
I don't remember a thing.
I know I don't have a date yet, but I'm just gonna "Secret" it.
It's like, if I wear this, they will come.
Uh, you might want to rephrase that.
Yeah, good point.
I mean, I'm in all these mommy and me groups, and these women keep talking about how someday they want to recreate their proms for their little girls, and, like, that's why I've got to go to prom.
'Cause I need to be able to tell my daughter, you know, what to expect and, like, you know, take the pictures and have mementos and get the corsage and, you know, dance to all the different songs and feel special.
I mean, for her.
For her, for all of those you know, for when the time comes.
Sounds like it's more for you.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with Georgia.
- Yeah, I think - What you guys.
- Ooh! - Ooh, chokers.
- Oh, I really like this one.
- The furry one? - Right? - Okay.
Does it look like I killed a cat? You know what? It kind of - No? - Yeah, these are These are really good.
Hi, girls.
Shopping for prom, too? You're joking, right? Oh, no.
[chuckles] I am also going to prom.
I missed mine, so this is kind of like my redo, you know? Exciting time.
What do you think about these? Uh, I don't know.
I would try Chico's down the street.
That's probably more your speed.
[laughs] Or something maybe, like, black.
'Cause you're gonna die soon.
I actually love being in my 30s.
I'm very comfortable in my own skin.
Oh, I bet, it's 'cause it's nice and loose.
[chuckles] Like sweatpants.
I'm seriously gonna [bleep] kill you.
Out back in the alley.
Can you get there faster than us? [giggles] Bye.
Teenage girls are like swans.
They're beautiful and they're [bleep] mean.
I don't know why everybody's so up my ass about this bear, anyway.
I mean, the thing's been in a box for 20 years.
I thought long and hard about this and, you know, 20 years is long enough.
I'm ready to let it go and just, you know, move on to some new things, and [tense music] Who needs that stuff, anyway? I mean, it's - - That's odd.
It's not like he was a real bear, right? And you know what, to be honest, whatever family he goes to, you know, somebody's gonna love him and care about him, and I'm sure he's gonna wind up being just fine.
Oh, God.
I-I got to go.
I'll call you back.
Okay.
All right, bye.
[bleep].
Ugh, Mr.
Bear.
No.
Mommy [bleep] up, I'm sorry.
[quirky music] Excuse me, are you Christine Lakin? - Yeah.
- I'm a huge fan.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- "Step by Step.
" - Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- What're you doing here? - I am here shopping for prom.
What're you are you What do you mean? Well, I never got to go, and it's kind of one of those celebrity things - Oh, right.
- where I'm gonna take a kid to prom.
I'm just trying to kind of, like, vet which boy I'm gonna take.
A lot of options.
Yeah, how are you gonna pick the kid? Oh, well, it's between a lot of them, so, you know Yeah, yeah, you can just let that go, little lady.
- My son is with me.
- Oh.
- His prom is tonight.
- You're kidding! He doesn't have a date and he is gorgeous.
Caleb, come over here.
Wait till you meet him.
- This is Christine Lakin.
- Hi.
I have seen every episode of "Step by Step.
" She's gonna go to prom with you tonight.
- Yeah.
- I didn't ask you.
- Formally, Caleb - Yep.
Would you like to go to prom with me? - No.
- Fabulous.
I can't wait! - I know, isn't he adorable? - This is gonna be great.
- I'll get your number.
- Yup, yup.
- And then I'll come over.
- We'll set it up.
Step by step, we're gonna work this out.
Oh, so excited Caleb, I'll see you in a couple of hours.
- Let's get that tux, come on.
- [laughs] Look at how cute this hat is! Oh, my God, you won't believe this.
I just got a date for prom.
- Yeah, it's tonight.
- Wait, tonight? - But my slumber party.
- Oh, listen.
I got so much to do, I got to get a pedicure, I have to try on five more dresses, I got to find some jewelry.
Bev, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, okay? [dance music playing] - - This is so exciting.
I can't believe I'm actually at prom.
Yeah, I can't believe I'm at prom.
I only lied to my mom that I was going to the prom so I could ditch this prom and go to a raging party right now.
Okay, Caleb, can I give you a little piece of advice? If you don't go to your own prom, you're gonna really regret it.
I mean, it seriously messed me up.
- I can tell.
- Okay, now listen to me.
When we get in there, if there's any, like, girls that you want to, like, fully mack on, I'm really cool to just, like, be your, like, cool wing woman.
You know? I know all the moves.
All right? I've got my moves from the '90s.
I'm, like, ready to go.
Remember this one? - No.
- What about this one? Remember that? Remember that? Oh, this is one of my favorites.
Shopping cart.
What are you doing? Okay, we're up next.
These pictures are gonna go all over social media.
I'm talking, like, 35,000 followers.
- Hey, guys, welcome.
- Hi.
So this is what we're gonna do No, let me tell you what we're gonna do, okay? This is what I need.
I need a full body shot of both of us, prom promise.
Then I need, like, a really big close-up, okay? But can If you can get my good side? Caleb? Caleb? Caleb did you just see a, um [sighs] Yeah, uh we'll just take a few as warm-ups, yeah.
- One - Two.
- Three.
- That's great.
And then maybe just one this side, maybe like, "Oh, prom!" Wait, I'm gonna look surprised.
[gasps] Prom! Yeah.
[gasps] Prom! That's great.
Thank you, I'm gonna get a copy of all of those.
Oh, hi.
Hi, excuse me, sorry.
- Hey.
- Hello, ladies.
Oh, my God, you did it.
You actually found a dress that's as old as you are.
All right, let me tell you something.
You know what, statistically, one of you is gonna get an STD tonight.
And my money is on you, HPV.
Don't look so cocky, gonorrhea.
All I'm hearing you do is go, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, my vagina's full of cobwebs.
" [both laugh] Bye.
Bye.
[quirky music] I don't need a date.
I'm gonna go in there and get my prom.
Will I ever marry a member of 'NSYNC? [quirky music] No.
Obviously.
Even though my friend stood me up, I am gonna have this slumber party and it's going to be awesome.
Ah, Joey Fatone.
Is Ben Dover there? [laughs] Oh, uh no.
No, there's no Mike Hunt here.
Oh, hi, Joey, yeah! Yeah.
Caller ID.
[lively music] Did not think that through.
Daddy got a pay raise Mama got a facelift School got canceled Going on a day trip Kelly likes the boys But Donna just ignores them She saw you you walking by Oh, God, that's disgusting.
Oh, they taste like they're from the '90s.
Bottom's up.
Only time I feel that way Is when I'm with you Oh, God! Can I get 20 pizzas? Uh, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Mm-hmm.
My address.
Yeah.
You just hold on you know, I think I'll call back.
I'll call back.
Thank you so much.
Okay, yeah, bye.
Ugh, I suck at this.
[door opens] Bev? [sighs] What happened to you? I got bitch-slapped by prom, that's what happened to me.
They wouldn't even let me in, and then my date ditched me.
I got humiliated by those teenage mean girls.
I hate them.
With their hope and their hymens.
I hate prom.
Sounds to me like you had an actual prom experience.
So you mean, like, most people have generally terrible proms? Yeah.
So I had a real prom.
[quirky music] And prom sucks balls.
- [door opens] - Bev.
Really? You guys could start knocking [sighs] You're never gonna belie Another bear? And your shirt.
- Why are you taunting me? - What're you talking about? You remember the whole eBay thing, and I was gonna sell some stuff? - Yeah.
- Yes, okay.
Well, remember Mr.
Bear? - I took him to the eBay store.
- You're selling Mr.
Bear? Usually, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me, but now it does.
What do I do I went to the store, everything's closed.
Mr.
Bear is alone, and I don't know what to do.
- Okay, okay.
- When's the auction close? - 10:00.
- Tonight? - Yes! - Okay, we can get him back.
- There you go, get on there.
- All right, all right.
- You can do this.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- We've got two minutes.
- All right, I got two minutes.
- Ooh, ooh, there he is! - There it is! Got it.
- Oh, [bleep].
- Holy [bleep], right? - What? - $5,000.
I love the bear, but [bleep] it, Mama needs a vacation.
[all giggling] Listen, tonight has not gone as planned, I think, for any of us.
- True.
- But I feel really bad.
You went to all this trouble, we didn't do anything on that dream board.
Look, the night's still young.
Hey, I know what we could do.
[sentimental music] - Okay, ready? - Okay.
[all exclaiming] Screw you, Caleb! - I'm telling you - So fun.
It's the greatest way to get revenge ever.
- Oh! - Okay, here, here.
Oh, it got stu Oh, thank you.
- Oh, [bleep].
- Uh-oh.
[door opens and closes] What're you doing? This is what you get when you ditch people at the prom.
You get your house TP'ed, mother[bleep].
That's what you get for being 40! - Oh.
- Oh, that was Excuse me? I will have you know, I am 32.
[both clear throat] What is all this noise, Caleb? What is going on here? Lakin on my lawn? - We're really sorry.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Oh! We'll totally send someone to clean it up we're really - I'm sorry.
- No problem.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Jodie Sweetin.
Hi, Beverley.
Caleb, can I have your phone? I want to take a picture.
I don't know what Caleb did to deserve this, but I'm sure he did something awful.
- Are you gonna call TMZ? - I'm not gonna call anybody.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna take a picture - of two incredible celebrities.
- Oh.
And I'm gonna have a little help from you, little lady.
- Oh.
- So we are gonna put the tree right behind us.
- Oh, okay.
- And I'd love for you - to take it.
- Yeah.
Whatever filter these kids use these days.
- Just come in the middle.
- Yeah, get in the middle.
- Okay.
- All right, I'll just - Yay! - Everybody say "cheese.
" - Cheese! - Cheese! Oh, [bleep] my life.