Hollywood Darlings (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

1 A Pop original series.
[indistinct police chatter.]
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't wanna have anything to do with this.
I got dragged to this whole thing to begin with.
[dramatic thud.]
This is all Beverley's fault.
It was all Jodie's fault.
I'd like to call my lawyer.
She's on speed dial.
[whooshing.]
[mellow guitar music.]
At first, I thought it was gonna be a piece of cake.
It started with this mom group.
If you're not in a mom's group, you might as well be dead.
Let me tell you Tatyana was a top.
[indistinct chatter.]
And please take notes 'cause We have to leave a good impression.
Tatyana is very selective of who she lets in the mom group.
And this would be great for us I mean, the kids.
Yeah, last year, they had a "Moana" themed birthday party with the actual cast of "Moana.
" - I mean, The Rock.
- Big deal.
I know the guy that plays Dora the Explorer at Universal.
- Hi, ladies.
- All: Hi.
First order of business: we have some new but familiar faces with us today.
Please welcome Jodie, Beverley, and Christie to the group.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- It's Christine.
- And we have Beverley to thank for hosting us in her beautiful home.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thanks, Bev.
It's an honor [laughs.]
Now, a bit of the good and the bad.
As most of you know, my godson Clint's birthday is this weekend, but we cannot host the party at our house.
That's the bad news.
The good news is, our home is being photographed for "Architecture Magazine" the same day.
- [women exclaiming.]
- Wow.
So, ladies, do you have any ideas? Oh, we can help! - We can? - Yeah.
- Oh, from our newest members.
- Yeah! I mean, this house was built for hosting.
I mean, the backyard is a little small, but I think it would work.
And I know the best bakery for birthday cakes.
And food, I can do that as No, I'll do the food and drink, yeah.
- People actually wanna eat, Bev.
- Oh.
That sounds great, but I'm gonna be on the lemonade cleanse.
- I'll send you the recipe.
- Oh, great.
Oh, kids love cleanses.
I guess all that's left is the entertainment.
Uh, I can do the entertainment.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I got a guy.
Okay, Jodie.
Thank you.
- Sure.
- Wow.
Well, that was our fastest item ever.
[laughs.]
I mean, honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard.
Kids love magicians.
Usually I just Yelp it, but this time I needed something really special, and in LA, there's only one place to go.
[mellow music.]
Uh, hi, excuse me.
Hi.
[laughs.]
This is the Magic Fortress, right? - Yup.
- Great, I need to go inside - and talk to a magician.
- Ah.
- Are you a magician? - No.
No, I'm not a magician.
I mean, I did sort of a cool trick in high school, but - What was the cool trick? - Well, I mean, it was It's really just the thumb thing where you, like, go, "Oh, my thumb," and yeah.
I mean, I was really good at it though.
- Yeah, that can't get you in.
- Look, I'm not a crazy person.
I just need to go in and talk to somebody.
- Here's my ID.
- Ah.
[mischievous music.]
It's great.
This is cute trick.
- Where's my ID? - It's gone.
- What do you mean it's gone? - I mean, it's gone.
That's not magic, that's that's theft.
You don't take things; you give them back and you make them reappear other places.
I have an idea.
I have - a little magic for you.
So maybe - Ah.
I give you some magic, you give me the ID, and let me go in, then we'll call it, like, even.
Aww, look at that.
See? Oh.
Luh.
Rah.
Oh.
- Are you for real? - Yeah.
You know what? I know how to get inside, okay? 'Cause I've been before, so I know.
And it's a little trick.
Just push on a brick here.
- Okay.
And yeah.
- All right.
- Yep, yep, see? - Ehh.
Oh! Ah [laughs.]
Know your trick oh, shit.
That ring's been there, like, a hundred years.
Oh, shit.
Oh, we went from misdemeanor to felony.
I just wanna go inside.
This is all your fault.
- You took my stuff.
- Can't give you your ID, and I can't give you your money.
But I knew you were coming, and I can give you a hand.
This is a full house.
Oh.
You know what that makes it? Not my ID? A fuller house, my queen.
Fuck your magic.
[laughs.]
[distant honking.]
Psst, hey, come here.
I hear you're looking for a magician? Oh, my gosh, how did you do that? Wow, that's amazing [laughs.]
You know, if you could make that money reappear, you'd have a job.
Let's consider that your deposit.
Don't worry.
I'll try not to stiff you too hard.
I'm trying to get in at the Magic Fortress, but they won't consider me until I have more - "official gigs.
" - That's amazing.
I need somebody for this weekend.
Oh, perfect.
I can come this weekend.
I can come anytime.
I can come anywhere.
Can you come on Saturday? I can come on Saturday, believe me.
- Here's my card.
- Oh.
- Steve Wonder.
- That's me.
Isn't that a little close to Close to what? No, it's its own thing.
- Mm.
- Like, Steve Wonder.
A magician, you know? Wonder, enchantment, magic, kinda.
But also kinda like, you know, superstitious and Quick question.
Do you see an I - No, no, I don't.
- No, you don't.
Yeah.
Just, I mean can you make one appear? - [laughs.]
- Okay, you know what? You got jokes, but I'm kinda the entertainer, - so if this is gonna work - Got it, okay.
Okay, you know what? It's fine.
It's fine.
- It has a good ring to it.
- It's wonderful.
[laughs.]
This is gonna be great, but I need somebody that does, like, - next level magic tricks.
- Oh, I do next level.
I do rings, I do balls, I do cupping, I can pull a rabbit out of Yeah, uh, great.
I get it.
That is gonna be so amazing.
I will text you with all of the details.
- And yeah.
- Perfect.
- Look forward to working with you.
- Awesome.
Thank you so much.
All right.
- Hey, Mom? - Steven? - I just got a job.
- Oh.
I told you I should drop out of school.
You're so stupid.
I wanted this party to be perfect.
I mean, my house is great for hosting.
And my backyard is not small.
Really, it all started with the cake.
[mellow piano music.]
Kids, no running in the house! Oh.
Can you take those balloons in the backyard and just make sure to spread them out evenly, please? Thank you.
Oh, Christine, thank you.
Can you get snacks and water in the guestroom for the magician? - Okay.
- He'll be here any minute.
- Sure.
- Hello? Hello? Yes.
- Yes, I can hear you.
- Who are you even talking to? - I can help you with this.
- Oh, thank you so much.
[muffled upbeat music.]
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
I wasn't sure if you were gonna show.
Oh, well, just because I work out of a parking lot, doesn't mean I'm not reliable.
- I do need a ride home though.
- Of course you do.
All right, come on in.
[kids laughing.]
Can I talk to you privately? Yeah, sure.
Come on in.
[laughs.]
- Okay.
- Yeah, so what's going on? Uh, you didn't tell me that this was a kid's party.
Well, you're a magician.
What else would it be? Abracadabra.
It's a rabbit, but it's also a Oh, I no, yeah, I get it.
I'm familiar.
I'm an X-rated magician.
I do adult parties, you know.
Divorce parties, bachelorette, strip clubs.
Steve Wonder.
I work for just the tip.
[stammers.]
Why did you tell me this earlier? You hired me out of a parking lot, and I had all of those hilarious, yet subtle sex puns.
- I figured you knew.
- No! Oh, my God.
Can't you just do the tricks, like, not dirty? No, I memorized this act.
I mean, you wouldn't believe where I'm gonna pull the real rabbit from.
Oh, I bet I can guess.
Yeah.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- You must be the magician.
- Um Uh, no, no, no, no, this is just This is my friend, Steve Wonder.
[clears throat.]
No relation.
Uh, he's just he's just a hipster who loves top hats.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I smell that.
Um, let me know when the magician gets here.
I wanna warm the kids up first.
Oh, yup, they will be warm.
That's yeah.
You should see my penis balloons.
- I blow them perfectly.
- I bet you do.
What did she mean by smell? So is that when it all went down? Look, the magician was a bad call on my part, but that wasn't the worst of it.
Hello? Is anyone listening to me? [sighs.]
Oh, look at you.
Aren't you a beauty? Yeah.
Are you serious? I told them to put all of this away.
- [mouse squeaking.]
- [yelping.]
No, no, no, no, no, no! What? No.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't go there.
Don't go there.
Don't no, no, no.
What about, like, card tricks? - Do you do those? - Yeah, I have a lot of cards, but they're all, like, Kama Sutra cards.
Great! Great, you're here.
We could use some entertaining, so go out there and entertain.
No, this is not the magician.
I am Steve.
I am a hipster, and I like these hats.
- Yes.
- So that's why I'm this.
Okay, great, yeah, whatever.
Well, you know, just go out there and just do something anything, really.
It can't be that hard.
Okay, I gotta go.
Can't be that hard? That is so rude.
I mean, she needs to learn how to respect a person and their craft.
That is seriously? That is penis glasses.
I don't know why you'd think I'd have non-penis stuff.
- Here's the deal, Steve.
- What's the deal? I just need you to put something in this hat - Mm-hmm.
- that is not a penis.
- Okay.
- And make it appear, okay? - Can you handle that? - Yes.
Can it be a vagina? I mean, I'm an X-rated magician.
- I don't know what you expect.
- I didn't know you were - I'll find something.
I'll figure someting out.
- Oh, my God, I can't do this.
Leave it to me.
Leave it to the magician.
[both hissing.]
Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
Um, yes, okay.
- Come on.
Okay.
- - Okay.
- [line ringing.]
Hello? Hi.
Hi, I need an exterminator.
Yes, it's an emergency.
Yeah, I need you right now.
Okay, you know what? I will email you my address.
You should have it right now.
Oh, and I need you to come in street clothes.
I need you to make this discreet.
- Yes - Perfect.
Okay.
All right.
If I were a mouse, I would be Kitchen.
Oh, no.
Do you have the ingredients for my lemonade? - I haven't eaten all day.
- Yeah.
Totally.
I would never forget that.
Good, 'cause I don't wanna get fat.
What? What'd you say? What'd you see? You know, I'm actually having trouble seeing anything.
My eyes are so watery [sniffs.]
I think I'm having an allergic reaction.
- Bev, did you get another pet? - What? Huh? No! No.
[laughs.]
[doorbell rings.]
Pest control.
Good thing you called me when you did.
This place is crawling with mice.
I thought I was very clear to come in street clothes.
- These are my street clothes.
- Ugh! Well, clearly, you cannot listen, - so I will take that.
- You cannot use that.
That is a weapon of mass extermination.
This a party? All right, baby [laughs.]
[tense music.]
[mouse squeaking.]
[gasps.]
[panting, laughing.]
- [mouse squeaking.]
- What what Shit! [growls.]
[spray hissing.]
I gotcha.
Ah, try to run from me now, huh? [laughs.]
Oh, man.
Oh.
Oh, um Okay, uh [squeals.]
I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, no, the cake.
So I was in charge of the food and drink.
She was very demanding with her needs.
I went to, like, five different stores, and of course, I forgot the one thing I wasn't supposed to forget.
Do you have the ingredients for my lemonade? I haven't eaten all day.
Yeah, totally.
I would never forget that.
Good, 'cause I don't wanna get fat.
What? What'd you say? What'd you see? I'm having a hard time seeing anything, Bev.
My eyes are so watery.
Did you get a new pet or something? What? Huh? No! [laughing.]
No.
I'm supposed to drink it every two hours.
- It helps with the metabolism.
- Oh, yeah.
It's all in my car.
I'll just go get it.
And why don't you make a big batch? It really helps with the Mm.
- It's allergies.
- Mm-hmm.
[whispering.]
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
God, Bev has gotta have some kind of healthy bullshit in here somewhere.
[sighs.]
What's this? [mellow music.]
It's fine.
She'll never know.
[sighs.]
Magic is so desperate.
You're telling me, kid.
[whimsical music.]
[mouse squeaking.]
So someone ate the cake with the pesticide on it, - and you poisoned them? - No.
I wish.
I mean, no.
No, I-I don't wish.
No, that would be murder, I mean Whoa, did I just say murder? Oh, but really, that would be better than what did happen.
Oh, no, the cake.
Oh, no, what have I done? [squealing.]
This cake is to die for.
- [shrieks.]
- Oh! Oh, my God! - Are you okay? - What'd you do? It's poison! I[stammers.]
Wow.
You're right.
It's poison.
Processed, poisoned junk! You're a really good friend for not letting me eat that.
Okay? What are we gonna do about the cake? Clint's a little asshole.
His mom breastfed him up until a year ago.
Oh.
Shh.
This is really good lemonade, Christie.
Thank you.
It's still Christine, but [mellow music.]
Is she drunk? I don't know how she could be.
Are you drunk? How did you drop the cake? No, I it's poisoned.
There was a rat, and I was trying to kill it, and I [stammers.]
I fogged the cake.
Oh, that explains my allergies.
- [clears throat.]
- Okay, well, I accidentally hired an X-rated magician.
Huh, well, I guess I am the only one who is on top of it.
Okay, will you guys get out there and buy me some time? I gotta figure out this cake situation.
Yeah, totally.
Come on.
Stay close to me.
I'm a little scared of Clint.
Come on, I can take an 8 year old.
Okay, uh, okay.
I can fix this.
[kids laughing.]
- This is a nice house.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's nice.
- Yeah.
It's a little small, but it's nice.
- It works for the party.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are you feeling anything? - No, I feel good.
- Okay.
So, what's with these school lunches? I mean, am I right? You know, mystery meat? Right? I mean, no, but really, you guys should really actually know where your meat comes from, because it can be really concerning.
There can be all okay, you know what? That's too much.
Those Spanx are, like, so itchy [laughs.]
[laughing.]
Oh, um - Do you want some - This is nice.
- You don't have to wear Spanx.
- Thanks.
- That's good.
- I am wearing Spanx.
Um, I do it by choice.
So you got a lot of other gigs lined up? Yeah, there's a sex store on Melrose.
They're going out of business, and kinda, like, doing a big - performance kinda thing there.
- Oh.
So a lot of bachelorette parties.
- Well, you know.
- I didn't think you guys would go so hard for a kids party.
What do you mean? It just seems like you went really hard.
Okay, can you just chill on the sex puns, 'cause it's really it's like overkill.
Oh, uh, no, I mean your lemonade is hard lemonade.
It wasn't a sex pun.
You need to stop thinking about sex all the time, I think.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
[indistinct chatter.]
[upbeat music playing.]
It's good, though.
[laughing.]
Oh.
I can't dance.
I can't do it.
You can dance.
People can dance.
People can just go like I took a salsa class with my second cousin.
- I love salsa.
- Oh, great.
Uh, let me just remember Oh gosh.
Are you Oh.
You're really good.
Okay, well, it's not the best cake, but, you know, some kids don't even get cake, so, I mean, there is that.
- Where's the trash? - I just took it out.
Why? No reason.
Hey, don't let the kids drink the lemonade.
It's gross.
Well, hurry back.
[moans, mutters.]
[grunts.]
I could wear that.
I don't have to wear these Spanx.
Yeah, you could borrow this if you want.
[laughs.]
So nice! - Oh, my God, you're so nice.
- Yeah, thanks.
My friends say I'm really nice.
Let's move on to the magic portion of my act.
[chuckles.]
Here we go.
- Happy - Both: Birthday To you - [screams.]
- [kids scream.]
Eww.
Both: Happy birthday Eww, is that a dead mouse? [chuckles.]
It's funny, though.
Both: Happy birthday, dear "Happy birthday Cunt!"? Cunt is not my name.
It's Clint.
- No! - Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck [retches.]
I should do more kids' parties.
[somber piano music.]
So you got Tatyana Ali drunk? - Yeah.
- Yep.
Honestly, it was probably more the sugar than the alcohol.
I think I saw her making out with the exterminator.
- Okay, it was the alcohol.
- Look.
I appreciate you sharing the story.
It had a lot of twists and turns.
Honestly, for a while there, I had no idea where it was going, or what you were getting at, but you really brought it all together here.
It's just I don't have the authority to do anything.
I'm just a neighborhood security guard.
I've never left the gate.
It's a nice house, honestly.
Small yard, though.
I'm actually an actor on the side.
I have some shorts on Vimeo if you wanna check them out.
- I'm good.
- That's fair.
- That's fair.
- Yeah.
[sighs.]
But I definitely can't arrest you, can't do that.
But I can say that you should never go near children again.
- Like, even your own.
- Oh, thank God.
You all are terrible people.
You will never get close to the cast of "Coco.
" Gael García Bernal is a close, personal friend of mine.
- He's a great actor.
- I'm kind of okay with it.
But I want the recipe to the cupcake.
Well, it was frozen and vegan, and terrible.
- Yeah, it was really bad.
- Awful.
- It smelled weird, I don't - [mouse squeaking.]
[shrieks.]
- [frantic screaming.]
- [hitting sounds.]
Well, looks like I'm not taking that home.
[exhales.]
Ugh.
Is somebody, or are you just gonna leave it there? There was a time [camera shutter clicks.]
Thought I would never wake up Because I've Never been the spontaneous type Kill The awkward silence in the room I'm a new girl Okay, we'll just leave him.
Let's just let him do his thing.
All right.
Cool.
Well, I can still send you the links to those shorts if you want.
[sighs.]
Get to know, know me