Hollywood Darlings (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Dry Spells

1 A Pop original series.
You literally watch this woman pop pimples? She is a board-certified dermatologist, and she doesn't do just pimples.
She does whiteheads, blackheads, cysts, lipomas Ew! That is gross.
You are such a freak.
She has millions of subscribers.
Who are these people? People who find it wildly satisfying.
- Ugh.
- [clears throat.]
This is our table, and you need to get up.
Well, this isn't a John Hughes movie, ladies.
There's no need for discord.
It's 2018.
We are women.
Hear us roar! [laughs.]
Feel free to have our table when we're done.
Okay, just watch one video, I swear.
You know, I did just eat.
If you don't get up now, we're going to have to put a curse on you.
All right, slow your roll, Hot Topic.
Look, just because I'm a feminist doesn't mean I won't cut a bitch.
Yeah.
Maybe you should go back to high school.
Beverley, do not help.
[eerie music intensifies.]
What's happening? Girls.
Girls: Alluwah, alluwah Alluwah, alluwah Zig-a-zig-ah, zig-a-zig-ah, zig-a-zig-ah, zig-a-zig-ah Y'all do know that's a Spice Girls song, right? Let's go.
God, is that what we have to look forward to with our girls? I'm really concerned about crop tops, and I own, like, 20.
Oh, you know what I should've said? Take your bitchcraft somewhere else! No, Bev, it's too late.
You can't You can't yell insults, like, five minutes after.
Doesn't work.
[upbeat electronic music.]
You think you're rock and roll You think you're rock and roll The girls, like, surround us.
Then they start doing this weird, like, chanting and, like, it was bizarre.
That sounds amazing and ridiculous, and I'm really sad that I wasn't there for that.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I got a parking ticket.
Ooh, God, sorry.
- I just got a text from Tori.
- Oh, Spelling? Yeah, she never texts me.
Spelling.
Spells.
Is that weird? The only one that is actually cursed here is me, okay? My dating life sucks.
I think I just need to take it all the way back and, like, reset my dating juju from the beginning.
What beginning are we talking about here? My first kiss, which happened to be on "Full House.
" That kid, Rusty.
- Oh Rusty? - Yeah, he was on this episode.
It was, uh, "Terror in Tanner Town," where Danny dates a single mom, and she has a kid who plays pranks on everybody.
Oh yeah.
Right, right, right, right.
"Oh, yeah, right, right, right.
" You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? You didn't watch my show.
That's all right.
Neither did I.
Well, anyway, I think there was, I don't know, kind of a spark between us, but I never saw him again.
He was written off the show.
I don't know, Jodie.
You don't even know what this guy looks like.
He was cute when he was 12.
Oh, shit.
- What? - No, actual shit.
.
A bird just pooped on me.
- Ew! - Maybe it is the curse.
Sorry, Bev, this is seeming like too much of a coincidence.
No, it's just bad luck.
Oh, man! Disgusting.
We're at a park.
There's just a lot of birds.
It's just fine.
It's fine.
You guys walk far away from me.
I don't need to get shit on.
I'm telling you, Bev, I think they really did something to us.
Christine, people get parking tickets all the time.
Not you.
You don't.
Now, that is true.
But people do get pooped on.
And people get text messages from Tori Spelling.
Okay, maybe not Tori Spelling, but people named Tori.
Yeah, I'm just saying, - I don't think we're cursed.
- I don't know.
I got a weird feeling about this.
I mean, haven't you ever seen "The Craft"? Whatever happened to Fairuza Balk? Oh, you know what? I just saw her on "Ray Donovan.
" She was great.
Okay, bad example.
I just think we shouldn't have given those girls our seats.
Ah! Ow See? What did I just say? [irreverent rock music.]
I think we're cursed.
[cell phone chiming.]
- Hello? - Bev.
I found him.
- Who? - Rusty.
Well, not Rusty.
Jordan.
He works at a tattoo parlor.
Oh, tattoos? Um I guess that's perfect for you.
I know.
He's not on social media, though, which is a little weird, so I don't know what he looks like.
Oh, that's not weird.
I mean, my mom's not on social media, but she's 62, so I guess maybe that is a little weird.
Wish me luck.
I'm going in.
Well, stay in public, and don't get in his car and don't get a hibiscus tattoo.
Still regrettin' that one, huh? Every day.
Yeah.
Okay, bye.
[wondrous choral music.]
Jord Oh.
You're not sorry.
[choral music resumes.]
- Jordan no.
- What can I do for you? No, I-I was just looking for somebody, but I don't think they're here.
Oh, my God.
Jodie Sweetin? Jodie? Rust uh, Jordan.
How are you? Wow.
I-I had no idea you worked here.
What a coincidence.
[exotic percussive music.]
Bev.
What do you think this is? Ooh, I don't know.
It's pretty.
What do you use that for? Oh, ew! Come on, two for one.
Don't you want one? No, no.
I don't want any of that.
- Too much sage, Bev.
- That's terrible.
Oh, hey, look, look.
It's David.
Yeah.
David! - Oh! - David Lascher.
Oh, my God.
- How are you? - Guys, it's been so long.
- Yeah! - How are you? How're the kids? Oh, you know, crazy as always.
Um, listen.
I'm so happy we ran into you.
Yeah, why? I think somebody put a curse on us.
What? We were out to lunch at this restaurant, and these girls wanted our table, and they basically were trying to kick us out, but we didn't move, and long story short is, they then started, like, chanting and doing weird stuff.
Yeah, and all this crazy stuff has started happening to us.
I mean, tell him about the ketchup.
They put ketchup in the middle of the table, and they put it in, like, a shape of a hexagon.
I mean, it was nuts.
I'm sorry, why are you telling me this? You're here at this store.
You know? You obviously believe in all this, like, magic and crystals and I'm just looking for a gag gift for my wife.
In this store? I don't think that's how gag gifts work.
I'm gonna head out, but good luck with this.
I'll see you girls around.
Thanks.
Bye.
Man.
Someone needs a chakra up his you-know-what.
Ladies? I hope you don't mind, but I overheard.
[melodic percussive music.]
This sounds like a classic revenge hex.
It's effective but very reversible.
- So you can reverse it? - Yes.
Oh, that's great.
Why don't the both of you come to the meeting of the coven tomorrow night? The other witches will be more than happy to help you with this.
- That would be great.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, okay.
We'll be there.
Just be incredibly careful until then, because this spell is effective until reversed.
Should we just maybe hide under our beds tonight? No! Your tiny body will be crushed underneath the weight of that bed and smashed into little pieces.
I would just sleep in a bathtub or something, unless there was a water elemental spell included, in which case, no liquids.
Okay.
Hey, was that the guy from "Blossom"? - Yeah.
- He's your friend? - Yeah.
- Like, you hang out? - Well, yeah.
- At, like, barbecues? We see each other.
Every now and then.
Discount.
Whatever you want.
Anything in the store.
Oh.
Great.
Yeah, I'll take that.
- Bev, you sure you don't want - No, I'm good.
- I'm buying.
- Nope, I'm good.
So do you know what kind of tattoo you're looking to get? A tattoo.
I mean, yeah, a tattoo.
Yeah, I don't I don't know.
- So you're a virgin.
- I mean, I have two kids.
No, no, no, like this is gonna be your first tattoo.
Oh.
Yeah, of course.
Ideas? I mean, you could go generic.
There's a lot of flash you can choose from.
We could do some barbed wire.
I'm a big fan of the big dick on the forehead.
Oh.
Yeah.
Perfect.
That is super classy.
You can't go wrong with dicks.
Never, never, and it's exactly what I need for my third-life crisis.
Dicks aside, I'd be happy to help you actually make something if you want something designed.
- Amazing.
- Okay.
Anyone special in your life? Uh, well, it's just the two kids now.
I got one myself.
I got a little boy.
And the, um, terrible, messy divorce that goes along with things like that, so Great.
I mean, not great.
That's not yeah.
I've got three of 'em myself.
Let's see here.
Uh maybe I should come back and think about this a little bit more.
Okay.
It's kind of permanent.
More so the marriage.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
I mean, but maybe we could, like, get together and draw some stuff out and talk.
- How's tomorrow night? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- I mean you're not, like, a murderer or anything, are you? - Totally.
- Oh.
Perfect.
How about I give you my number? - That'd be fantastic.
- All right, here.
I do this for a living.
So, are we ruling out the dicks on the - [laughs.]
- Face? - Perfect.
- Okay.
This better work, 'cause I can't take a donut to another premiere.
I can't believe you walked the red carpet with that thing.
Ladies, welcome, what a pleasure to see you here in my store, in my presence, our energy connecting.
[inhales.]
Mm.
- Hi.
- Great to see you again.
Oh, is that the coven? Is there a dress code? In order to get closer to the moon goddess, we wear all white.
Oh.
I really did not get the memo.
- We can come back another time.
- No, no, no.
No need for that.
Listen, I'm so happy you're both here.
I know that you both need to heal? - Mm.
- Mm.
Yes, I know you were overexposed in your youth.
But just know that here, in these walls you're safe.
- Thank you.
- Right this way.
Wow.
It's like she gets us.
She already knows so much about me.
We were both on hit TV shows as kids.
I mean, anyone could Google us and have that information.
Don't read into it.
No, no, no, no, I feel I feel empowered, like, by all this female energy.
All right.
[woman chanting out of tune.]
Women.
Thank you for joining us this evening.
In our practice, we connect to the earth and the cycles of the moon to push us into the best witches we can be.
I mean, how are you actually supposed to sit on a donut? You just have to kind of Yeah, maybe just Yeah, mm-hmm.
I anoint you with the symbol of our coven.
Swish.
Dot, dot, dot.
Splash.
That's a symbol just like the girls had at the restaurant.
Yes, each coven has its own symbol.
Dot, dot.
Splash.
That's what Charles Manson said, right? No? Dot, dot, dot.
Splash.
Mm.
[eerie music.]
It's newt's blood.
[gags.]
Its skin is thin and easy for piercing.
Kind of like a juice box or Go-Gurt or the insides of a Pop-Tart.
And now we chant.
Connect elbows.
[vocalizing.]
Let me feel it! [vocalizing intensifies.]
[upbeat rock music.]
- Jodie.
Hi.
- Hey! - How are you? - Good, how are you? - Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
I just put our name in for a table.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Who's this? This is my son, Gavin.
- Hi, Gavin, nice to meet you.
- You too.
So, yeah, we did have a sitter lined up for the night, but we had to let her go 'cause turns out she was driving for Rideshare when she was supposed to be sittin'.
She was leaving him at home alone? Oh, no, no, she took him with her.
She was splitting the tips.
That's how I bought my trampoline.
So, I mean, I know this is sudden.
If you need to reschedule - No.
- We can do this another time.
No, absolutely not.
- It's completely fine.
- You sure? Yeah, it's a part of parenting.
- Jodie, party of two.
- Three.
[upbeat rock music.]
Okay.
Right this way.
- Great.
- Come on, bud.
I think this is just great.
I've never felt so connected to so many women.
I just, I feel so grounded, like, to the earth.
No, no, no.
Not buying it.
Oh, come on.
Stop being silly.
You love all this kind of hocus-pocus stuff.
Yeah, when it's crystals and tarot cards, not, like, newt's blood and black magic.
I'm telling you, Bev, something about this feels very dark and very wrong.
It's just not adding up.
All right, ladies.
It's time to lift your curse.
And when you say "lift the curse" Would you like to pay with Venmo, PayPal, or personal check? - Now it's adding up.
- Wait, sorry? Yes, we usually charge $2,000, but for you two, we have a deal of 1,500 or 350 payments of 19.
95.
- $1,500? - Yes.
Newt's blood is very expensive.
I'll let you two think about it.
[melodic percussive music.]
Okay, dark magic or not, I mean, she is clearly running a racket.
Uh, yeah, I told you there was a negative energy here.
Now, listen, let's just blow this whole Black Sabbath video, go back over to the coffee shop, talk to the girls.
They're teenagers.
We were teenagers once.
We were, like, the teenagers once.
Yeah! We're America's teenagers.
I'm sure that they would love to have a civil conversation with us.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
- Ladies.
Come.
It's time to disrobe.
Wow, okay, they're, like, three minutes away from a Kool-Aid experience.
Yeah, no.
No, no, no.
- Sorry.
- Okay, bye.
No, wait! We're never gonna make our rent.
I mean, were all three of them that vulgar? Oh, yeah.
I mean, Bob was the worst, but it was an interesting childhood.
If I remember correctly, it was the Olsen twins that had the foulest mouths out of everybody on the set, right? Oh, for sure.
It was just "eff this" and "eff that" constantly.
That entire experience, I gotta say, was a lot of fun.
- I got some hate mail afterwards.
- You did? There was a lot of Team Stephanie that was not, uh, very happy with how I treated you on the show.
In that respect, I'm a little glad that I don't get recognized for this anymore.
Um, I'm actually surprised that you recognized me.
This is gonna sound really creepy and stalkerish, and I don't mean it that way at all, but I sort of have looked you up and figured out where you worked.
Because, I don't know, I've had terrible luck dating lately, and I don't know, I wanted to go back to my first kiss, which was actually you on the show.
I wanted to see if there was a spark there.
And I hope that doesn't sound crazy, and it probably does, and I'm sorry.
I don't think that sounds crazy in the slightest.
I think that sounds really sweet.
To be perfectly honest with you, I always kind of wondered what would have happened if there, you know, could've been something between us.
- Yeah, me too.
- I was pretty glad that this happened.
So am I.
I mean, it's this night's been great.
I've really enjoyed it.
- Oh! - Until that.
Probably some teenagers or something, had the table before us.
I'm gonna go find a waitress and see if I can't maybe get, you know, another order of fries.
Ooh! Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
Oh, my God, I must have tucked the table cloth into my pants when I got up.
I mean, that's so weird.
I don't know how else that would've happened.
Don't even worry about it.
I'll get the waitress, get us another round of food.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
[irreverent music.]
[minimal rock music.]
Hey, kid.
We need to talk, okay? I understand that you're a big "Full House" fan, and you're just trying to recreate your dad's character on the show where he scared Danny off from dating his mom.
It's not gonna work, okay? Look, I have been on terrible dates recently, and you are not gonna ruin this for me, all right? Kid, this isn't TGIF where some sappy music's gonna play and all of a sudden I'm gonna feel bad for you because your mommy and daddy aren't back together.
All right? So we are gonna go back to that table, and we are gonna have fun, and we are gonna have a good [clears throat.]
We are gonna have a good date, do you understand me? I like your hair.
Okay, girls.
We get it.
I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, don't act like you don't remember us.
We're the people that wouldn't give you this table.
Now, look, we just wanted to come over here and say we get it, all right? I mean, we were teenagers once.
In fact, some people might call us the pop culture examples of the postmodern teen.
I mean, "Entertainment Weekly," "People" magazine.
Sometimes, as a teenager, it's really hard to fit in, so we get that, like, witchcraft is probably that safe space for you, so you can have our table.
I mean, we already have it, so If you reverse the curse.
Yeah, some really bad stuff has been happening to us, and enough is enough.
I mean, I bruised my coccyx.
Just say tailbone, Bev.
[scoffs.]
Reverse the curse.
Phones are waterproof now, you old hag.
Oh, well, are they smash-proof? Wait, no! Okay, we didn't actually curse you.
God, I mean, how gullible are you? We're not really witches.
It's just some fun shit we say.
I mean, wicca's super in right now.
But what about all that crazy shit that happened to us? That can be explained by the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon.
Like, once you notice a white car, you start to see other white cars everywhere.
Once you think you're cursed, everything appears to be a result of that curse.
You know what, that actually makes a lot of sense.
I once did a movie with Dean Cain.
I saw Superman stuff for, like, three weeks.
Okay, phone.
Thank God we didn't pay that crazy fee.
So you don't actually care about these seats? No, these seats are ours.
Stay off, donut ass.
[irreverent rock music.]
Well, this has been great.
I mean, except for all the messes, but - Well - But thank you so much.
Yes.
Absolutely my pleasure.
I'm thinking we had a lot of fun tonight, yeah? What's so funny? Uh, you have a little, uh a little something.
Do I have something in my teeth? - A little something.
- Oh.
How embarrassing.
[chuckles.]
Oh, my G Ugh! You know what? Your son has been messing with me the whole night.
Jodie, it it wasn't him.
All of this was compliments of the master of disaster! - What? You did this? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? How old are you? I thought you liked the pranks.
No, I don't like the pranks.
That was a stupid character you played when you were, like, ten.
That wasn't a character, that was me.
They just asked me to come on the show and play myself.
So, are we going to Tongue Town or what? Gross.
Yes.
Yes, I agree.
That is gross.
You know what, and I am so sorry, sweetie, that I yelled at you.
I feel terrible, but mostly I feel terrible because your father is an asshole.
Like Rusty always used to say, if you fell for it, you deserve it.
Right? - You know what? - Mm.
You are the ugh! Here.
You deserve that.
So are you still getting that tattoo or what? Jodie.
Jo She's gone.
- How rude.
- Right? You want half of this? [upbeat rock music.]
Trying to sit on a donut in a dress, I'm, like, having a "Basic Instinct" moment.
Okay, can we please focus here? I'm trying to clear Jodie's bad dating karma.
I still don't get why we're not sitting at a regular table.
Because teenage girls are scary, even if they don't have magical powers! What's really scary is dating in 2018.
I've become one of those crazy old ladies who dresses to match my dog.
I should get a dog.
Okay.
Now, just close your eyes, and I will finish the very last part.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
No, I draw the line at you putting food on my face.
- Oh! - Oh! - A little jumpy today, huh? - David! Again? Oh, my Ladies.
You're not still buying into that whole witchcraft thing, are you? - No, what? - No.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, we were just having fun.
- [cell phone chiming.]
- Take that.
Ah, it's my wife.
I gotta take this.
See you guys.
Bye.
[ominous choral music.]
Wait.
Was that What? No, it couldn't be.
Couldn't be what? What happened? No, no, no, no, it's just the Bernie Madoff phenomenon.
Baader-Meinhof, but yes, yes.
What? What're you talking about? Wait a minute.
If the curse isn't real, then does that mean I need to buy new patio furniture? [lighthearted music.]
- What's this thing? - Hi, is this Pottery Barn? - Coffee stirrer? - No, uh, no, no.
That, I'll just I'll take that.
He knows me.
Yeah, just put him on.