Home (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

Refugees welcome for now.
Refugees welcome.
You, not so sure.
- Stay as long as you like, Sami.
- Hang on.
He is not staying Don't tell me what I can do in my own house, Peter.
I'm gonna go away for a bit.
Yasmine and George are the third Syrian refugee family we are hosting.
But she does not look for recognition.
And it's exactly what I write about in my blog.
Do they know you are sleeping here? My accommodation status is on a need-to-know basis.
Refugees welcome here.
Refugees welcome here.
It's not in the work.
I'm sorry And that is the conclusion of the physics lesson for today.
How was that? - Very good.
- What were you studying today? Sebastian? - Black holes.
- Black holes.
And what did you learn about black holes? Don't know.
Very little is known about black holes, so the mystery continues.
Sami, you are a physics teacher, aren't you? Oh, yes.
Who wrote A Brief History Of Time? Yeah, who wrote it? - Stephen? - Yes, Stephen.
Second name sounds like a bird? Stephen Pigeon.
- Funny voice.
- Steven Gerrard.
Couldn't use his legs.
Steven Gerrard playing for England.
He never quite captured his club form on international duty.
Huh, Sebastian? I'm sorry, I I'm sorry.
- Please.
- Are you a tutor at all? Yes.
I am an English teacher.
- Literature? - I love it.
Are you telling me the truth this time? Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Is he any good at English? Of course he's not.
All right! Come Thursday.
- We'll start again.
- OK.
Oh, OK! Oh, no, no.
- I can't.
- Just take it.
You nearly got away with it.
Thank you.
See you Thursday.
I'll look forward to it.
"I'll look forward to it.
" Do it again.
- "I'll look forward to it.
" - Yeah, she's flirting.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Would you flirt that way? - No.
- How would you do it? - Fancy a fuck? - Really? I'm gay.
Oh! So, no beating around the bush, so to speak.
Still, er, quite forward.
Yeah, but I'm into big dirty bastards, so, "Is it raining? "I hadn't noticed," tends not to cut the mustard.
Where do you go be gay in UK? Anywhere.
Pubs, club nights.
- Heard of Thorax? - No.
That's a good one.
- Stirrup? - Again, no.
It's not easy being gay in Syria,I imagine.
Used to be.
Shaalan district in Damascus.
Now not so easy to be anything any more.
Being gay extra problem.
You know who I used to fancy? - Who? - Osama bin Laden.
- Right.
- Bad boy.
Yes, he was a bad boy.
ISIS don't wanna hear this but that whole jihadist look really does it for me.
Don't let me go over there, I'd get myself in terrible trouble.
Time to toodle.
Do it again.
- I'm fucking with you! - Ah, ha-ha! Have a good one, mate.
So, we're still coming to your house on Thursday for dinner.
We will sort out the situation between Sami and Yasmine, OK? -I hope so.
- How is he? He's good.
He's got some work as a tutor so he's working, he's happy.
Illegally? Illegal's a bit strong.
Unlegal? He's working unlegally.
Please don't call the cops.
Agh! Eva, it is so good of you to come all the way from Germany to discuss this.
Oh, no, Oliver is a guest speaker at a medical conference here.
- Oh, I see! - And we are fitting you in.
Well, thank you for finding a hole, as the bishop said to the Shall we say 7 o'clock? Of course, and don't worry, we shan't be there at 7 exactly.
We are not your typical cliched Germans.
- Good for you.
- We are always late.
- Me too.
- We'll be, like, about to leave the house and Oliver will wanna fuck me or something.
Yeah! Tell me about it.
I thought after seven years of being together, he will start leaving me alone but, if anything, he finds me more attractive.
What am I doing wrong? Peter's the same.
Sometimes I'll be in the kitchen and he'll just swoop and I'll be like, "Put it away, love, - "I'm trying to enjoy a sandwich, here.
" - We're gluten free.
Gluten free, good to know.
So I will see you around 7 o'clock and tell Oliver to make it a quickie! You can tell him that yourself.
How long is a piece of string, huh? OK, see you later.
Auf Wiedersehen! Fucking hell.
- Do you have any news? - No, I just wanted to hear your voice.
- Where is George? - He's with Marvin in the park.
- Marvin? - His friend.
He picks his nose a lot.
It's good to have a hobby.
It's all happening.
He's settling down.
You're meeting Eva and Oliver on Thursday? - Yes.
- All these grown-ups taking care of us.
I feel like I am trying to impress your father all over again.
Do you remember that time he caught us kissing? First time or second time? Yeah, he saw you have hard-on and hit it with a table lamp.
Ah, third time.
They're going to try to persuade you to come and stay with us, you know that.
- Yes.
- I've been doing some research.
You know, I could continue my university degree here in Berlin.
Yasmine, you can do that here very easily, very easily.
When is your interview for asylum? - Three weeks.
- I've not laughed with you for so long.
You're really good at laughing.
I was driving the other day and a policeman stopped me.
He said, "Would you blow into this bag, sir?" I said, "Why?" He said "My chips are too hot.
" British joke? Tommy Cooper.
They love him here.
- He wears a fez.
- Is he Muslim? I think convert, maybe.
I love you.
I know.
Peter! Peter! Peter! How did you get here? Train, Tube, Tube, walk.
Your mum's going to be worried about you, John.
This won't take long.
- Er, we're not plumbed in yet.
- Oh, right.
- How do you? - Piss down the lift shaft.
- Does it make a good sound? - Makes a great sound.
It's very satisfying.
It's very satisfying indeed.
I bet.
Did the refugees leave? It's OK, it's all right, it's all right, he's with me.
How's your primavera? Good.
- How long are they staying for? - As long as they need to.
I mean, I'm not allowed up here, hardly in a position to turf them out.
Oliver and Eva are coming over for dinner on Thursday.
- To meet Sami? - To persuade him to move to Berlin.
- You need to come.
- Says who? Him, me, Mum.
Do you think your mum misses me, John? You know your nose-hair trimmer on the bathroom shelf? It does eyebrows as well but, yes, the Multigroom, hm? Well, it went and I thought she threw it out but I found it in the top drawer of the cabinet.
- Top drawer? - Yeah.
I'm still top drawer You're not on the shelf.
- What time Thursday? - 7 o'clock.
Wear this.
- Why? - Oliver's handsome.
You need to make an effort.
What do you think? - It's a game-changer.
- OK.
- See you Thursday.
- 7pm.
Er, John.
Do you miss me? Sort your nose out, as well.
We didn't know that you lived outside London.
Dorking is right next door.
Sami shouldn't be much longer.
The Uber car just kept on going and going.
I thought we were going back to Germany.
The Surrey hills, it's nicer.
You live in the countryside, like a family of squirrels.
Sorry, what was that? Oh, Oliver was just saying how this reminds us of our first house.
- Thank you.
- We were so poor.
- Poor you.
- You're not now, though, are you? No.
Our house is a converted shoe factory in Berlin.
- Gosh.
- I just realised.
We live in a shoe factory, you live in a shoe box.
- It's perfect.
- Let's go into business.
No, the shoe factory's no longer operational.
I mean, the start-up costs would be enormous.
And we've all got lives, haven't we? So, Oliver, you're here with work.
Yes, yes, I'm lecturing my fellow surgeons at the Imperial College.
They seem to think that I know something about replacing the mitral valve of the heart with minimal invasive surgery.
He does know something about it.
I pioneered it.
- You've saved so many lives.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you're like an airbag.
- Yeah.
It involves keyhole surgery, inserting a catheter through the ribs.
Well, I hate to disagree with you, Oliver, but I always thought the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Er, no.
No, the organ damage would be catastrophic.
Speaking of which, let me get you both a drink.
"She is tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me.
" - Who said that? - Darcy.
Very good.
How was Pride And Prejudice? In the words of Jane Austen we smashed it.
- Can I go out? - Yes, back in an hour.
- See you next week, Sami.
- Yes.
Well, thank you.
- Pleasure.
- Would you like a glass of wine? Er, no.
I have to go home for a very important dinner.
- Well, you better check it.
- Ah.
I said: "Would you like a glass of wine?" Still no.
I want you.
Um I am married.
So am I.
Hard, isn't it? Yes.
It's important to be happy, Sami.
But, my wife and I, there is a great distance between us right now.
Oh, same with me and Neil.
I feel as though we may as well be living in different countries.
Well, we are.
Tell me about it.
We, my wife and I, we have been through a lot.
We have been on a sinking ship.
Maybe you need to get off that ship? I think we are talking about two different ships.
Conference call wrapped up early.
What are we? - Hello.
- Hello.
- This is the tutor.
- Oh, yeah, the refugee.
Don't nick anything.
It's not what it looks like.
Who wrote these? I did.
You wrote these? To her? She has asked me to leave.
You come over here, you OK, so what do you want to do? - I want to hit you.
- Oh, for God's sake, Neil.
Uh I will sit down.
Can we hurry up, please? I have to be home for dinner.
I'm preparing.
Same time next week? Obviously he's decided he doesn't want to meet us.
- Hello? - Yeah! Coming.
- Ah.
- So, Sami.
- Eva.
- Oh, Sami.
- So nice to meet you.
- Yes, you too.
Hi, oh, so sorry I'm late.
- Where, where? - Here, Sami.
What happened to your eye? Pride.
And Prejudice.
- Hi.
- Hello.
John didn't tell you he'd invited me, did he? No.
- This is ridiculous.
I'm going to go.
- No, no, no.
This is good.
This helps.
Come in.
Er, these are for you.
Thank you.
The florist said that peonies are very special cos they're only available for a few months of the year.
I said, "They should be available for longer.
" The florist said, "A peonies extension?" And I said, "No, that's just the way my trousers bunch up.
" Right, that's the ice broken.
How's it going in there? I see.
Where'd you get that? Er, John wanted me to wear it.
Do you like it? It was his dad's.
I'm sorry.
- I'll take it off.
- No, no, no.
Keep it on.
I like that he gave it to you.
It's like a cat bringing you a really fucked up mouse.
Bit weird but he means well.
Come on.
Welcome, Eva and Oliver, to the UK.
I hope you had a pleasant trip.
Better than mine, anyway.
Although Lufthansa these days, I don't know.
We flew BA.
I've never been on a plane.
Yasmine sends you a present.
- I don't have anything for her.
- Don't worry.
Join us in Berlin.
That is the only gift she wants.
So, Oliver, you are a heart surgeon.
I'm afraid I am.
- You are a hero.
- No, no, no, I am no hero.
John has a saying.
"Not all heroes wear capes.
" Yes, indeed.
Not all heroes wear capes.
They do wear gloves, though.
Thor doesn't.
- Have you ever touched a heart? - Sorry? Like, a beating one? Have you ever touched a live heart? Yes, John, I have.
What's it like? It's like touching God.
And thank you for asking me this question.
Sami - Is it slimy? - Little bit.
Got there in the end.
Sami, I have touched a thousand human hearts but it is very rare that someone touches my heart.
Your beautiful wife and your beautiful son, - they have touched my heart.
- Thank you.
As you know, I'm a teacher and I've taught thousands of children but, actually, it's quite rare that somebody teaches me something.
Sami has taught me compassion but he's also taught me humility.
Thank you, Katy.
Thank you.
I'm a quantity surveyor and Sami, Eva and myself would like to help you, but I will be honest with you, we do not have a family of our own and we will never have children because, well - I do not want any.
- And this is Eva's choice.
It is so body destroying.
Sami, you want your family to come here.
UK, not Germany? I think so, yes.
Even though it is leaving Europe.
Leaving Europe.
I can't believe you're doing this.
- Sorry.
- You must be crazy.
- Why would you? - Yeah.
Feel like it, mate.
You are saying goodbye to your neighbours and friends to face an uncertain future.
This is what we did when we left Syria.
It seems like the perfect fit.
- Sami.
- Tolerance, tolerance.
This is why I want my family in the UK.
White politicians, brown mayor, beautiful black princess.
Ignore my eye.
Sami, you know what Germany can offer you.
More benefits, free movement in Europe, a health service that works.
- OK, there is nothing wrong with the NHS.
- It is on its knees.
Have you used it recently? Thought not.
I walked into a hospital six months ago with a medical emergency, - I was seen within 90 minutes.
- What was the emergency? - I tore my frenulum.
- Can we not? - I'm sorry, that's not an emergency.
- Well, tell that to my frenulum, mate, - cos it didn't get the memo.
- What is a frenulum, please? Oh, shit! Enough of this.
Sami, listen to me.
You are pushing your family to the edge.
They want to stay in Germany.
Listen to them.
- I'm trying to give us a choice.
- Choice? Believe me, you do not want to be in this Brexit shit-hole.
OK, now, I said that I would behave myself tonight but that is absolutely a Say that again.
Brexit shit-hole.
We are leaving Europe.
What can I tell you? We love making things hard for ourselves.
I mean, we're miles in a world of kilometres.
We're hot and cold in a world of mixer taps.
We're a three-pin plug in a world of fuck off three-pin plugs.
We love underdogs so much we've decided to become one.
We've chosen to live in a worse kennel and, as the song says, "We're shit and we know we are.
" But you know what grows in shit? Roses.
So, this rose is welcome to stay and so is his family, if that's what they decide.
And I've got two things to say to you.
A, if you don't like it, you can fuck off.
And, B, none of that pasta's gluten free.
- Well, I thought that went very well.
- Too much? No.
They weren't very nice.
- They weren't very nice, were they? - No.
- Er, look, Katy.
- He's got the refugees still staying with him.
How long can they stay there? For as long as they can get away with it.
Stay here.
For tonight? For as long as you can get away with it.
- He's been pissing in the lift shaft as well.
- Yes, thank you, John.
Hello? Eins, zwei, drei.
So? How did it go? Erm, uh You still want to stay there, don't you?
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