Home Improvement s01e03 Episode Script

Off Sides

Welcome to the Taylor home.
We're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings.
Before we go down to the field, let's check out that snack situation.
Mark, take it away.
Pretzels, licorice, pork rinds.
That's three major food groups right there - salt, sugar, lard.
Um, all right.
Today, I got cold brewskis for me, ice-cold root brewskis for my boys - Dad? Here are the chips.
- You got it, buddy.
- Go long.
- Nice pass, kid.
All right.
- Dad? - What? You're turning all red.
There's a warning label right there.
You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit.
Could cause an explosion.
Look at this warning label.
Socks may strike husband unexpectedly.
You could put an eye out like that.
Boys, help me clean this mess up.
Second half's about ready to begin here.
Hurry up.
Now, listen.
Don't get too involved in that, Tim.
We have to get ready to go soon.
Go? Where are we going? Dinner.
Chez Pierre.
- That can't be tonight.
- It most certainly is.
Well, what about the big game? What have you been watching all this time? This is the little game right before the big game.
The big game's the Rams and the Lions.
Why didn't you remind me about dinner? Now, don't pull that.
I asked you yesterday if you had reconfirmed the reservations, and you said, "Uh-huh.
" And then I said, "Were they for 7:00?" And you said, "Uh-huh.
" And then I said, "Did you get the baby-sitter?" And you said, "Uh-huh.
" So I guess that means you didn't get the baby-sitter, huh? Uh-uh.
I completely forgot.
We can't get a baby-sitter at this late hour.
This is a tremendous disappointment to me.
Yeah, I'll bet it is.
This was supposed to be our romantic night out.
Romance? I got it.
Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine? And we can watch the game up there! You're not getting out of this with anything short of pneumonia.
Boy, it's funny you mentioned that.
This morning I horked up something nasty-looking.
It shot right out of my lungs.
Well, suck it back in.
We're going to dinner.
Whoa! You don't whistle at guys, you doofus.
You can when they look as handsome as your daddy.
Looking pretty good yourself, sweetheart.
- Put a lid on it.
- Who'd you get to baby-sit for us? Linda? No.
She finds you boys a little active.
She smells.
- Did you get Alison? - No, honey, she's busy.
But she sends her love.
Stop that.
Sit, sit.
Then who'd you get? Well, I found someone new.
Go! Go! Go! - Tim - Go get the door! Please turn off the television.
- Mrs.
Taylor? - Yes.
Sir Larry Houdini, world's second greatest escape artist, and magician extraordinaire.
Hey, you're great.
I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party.
- Oh, lovely little girl.
- Chris is a boy.
Strange little boy.
But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride? Well, um, actually, no one here's having a birthday.
Well, you told me on the phone it was a birthday.
I know.
I lied.
I'm so sorry.
I was desperate.
My husband didn't get a baby-sitter, and I called everybody I knew, and everybody was busy.
Couldn't you just please stay? Never.
Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke, and never once has he stooped to baby-sitting to make ends meet.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday your names here Happy birthday to you Thank you so much.
You don't know what this means to me.
Well, boys, the performance is about to start, so would you please help Sir Larry in with his magical trunk? - Uh, Jill, hold on.
What's going on here? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Sir Larry, this is my husband, Tim.
Tim, this is Sir Larry, the baby-sitter.
- How you doing? - And magician extraordinaire.
Yeah, I bet you are, Larry.
Uh, Jill? You got a magician to baby-sit my boys? Perfect.
Sir Larry? The number where we are at the restaurant is right here.
Call us if you have any problems.
- Whoa! - What happened, Brad? What happened? The Lions just recovered a fumble.
- Yes! - OK.
Goodbye, boys.
Goodbye, Sir Larry.
- Let's go, Tim.
- We should stay and watch a trick.
It's not gonna work, Tim.
Let's go.
Oh, my wallet.
Left it over there by the TV.
- I've got credit cards.
- Do you? - Oh, my medicine's up by the TV upstairs.
- You don't take medicine.
Oh! I should take some.
I'm feeling a horker coming on.
This is so romantic.
And you have to admit, it's a beautiful place.
A beautiful place for a beautiful woman.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
I really, really do appreciate this.
I know it was hard for you to leave that game.
Game? What game? Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me where the ladies' room is? Down the hall, to the left.
- I'll be right back.
- And I'll be right here, Jill.
Right here.
I'll be right here.
Could you give me a hand with this thing? Is that a radio? - Yeah.
- You got the game on? Got the game on.
Take that.
I wanna get that second quarter before she gets back from the bathroom.
- Oh, man.
This is absolutely brilliant.
- Thanks, buddy.
- So what's happening? - Hold on a minute.
- Here we go.
Yes! - What? What? What? I don't know.
Some kind of interception.
They're inside the six.
First and goal.
All right! What's the score? Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Rodney's in motion.
Rodney Peete's back.
He's back.
Jill's back.
Hi, Jill.
Did you miss me? Sure I missed you.
- Are you OK? - Oh, yeah.
You ever twist your neck real fast, get one of those cricks? - Well, I got that.
- Do you want me to rub it? - Your neck? - My neck? No.
If I put my hand like this Ooh, it feels much better now.
Ooh, look at this.
Endive souffle prepared with mushrooms.
Yes! Mushroom, mm.
Tim, you don't like mushrooms.
At home, no.
But here, you know They're in oils and stuff here.
Oh, look, look.
They have your favorite trout almondine.
All right! What happened? I'm having the trout! Tim, would you like to tell me what's going on? Why you're, uh, sitting like that? - My neck.
- Well, perhaps I should look at it.
From the naked eye, it would look like any other neck.
And cricks are generally inside necks.
- Gimme your hand.
- Hey, look at that.
- Gimme your other hand.
- I don't want to.
Oh, Tim, give me the radio.
I wasn't gonna listen to the whole thing.
- Would it help if I said I was sorry? - It might.
- I'm sorry.
- It didn't.
Is this the volume? That's it, boys, nice and tight.
Sir Larry loves a challenge.
- This is too cool.
- Oh, thank you, my lad.
Do we get to stick swords in the box? Sword in the box - fantastic illusion.
Sets the mind reeling and the pulse racing.
I don't do it.
- Why not? - Too easy.
Now then, my lad, will you kindly assist me into the trunk? Thank you.
Now, you will close the trunk and lock it.
When I give the command, you will set the timer at ten seconds.
And when the timer goes off I shall appear at the front door.
I don't know - ten seconds isn't very long.
To you.
But to Sir Larry, ten seconds is an eternity.
Now, boys, prepare to be astonished.
Close the lid! Is the top securely locked? - Yes, it is.
- Then set the timer and stand back.
Sir Larry? Boys! Reset the timer.
You know what you are, Tim.
You are a sports addict.
I am not.
I like sports, I have a very healthy interest, but I am not an addict.
- Is that the Lions game on in there? - Yes.
That's why service is a little slow.
The staff have a television in the kitchen.
- Did you get a score? - What's the score? I'm not sure.
I know the Lions intercepted a pass on the Rams' 20.
- Yes! - I bet it was Spielman.
Oh, Chris Spielman, awesome player.
Last week, see him against Minnesota? See him? Man, I was there.
I can't take it.
I can't take it.
I've got to see this game.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I'll be back.
Whoo, that guy's got a problem.
That guy is addicted to sports.
He is out of control.
- And you're not? - No.
No, no.
We're here to talk about whatever you wanna talk about.
Well, that's good, 'cause I wanna talk about us.
You know how we're always talking about how we need to find more things that we can do together for fun? - Yeah.
- We always talk about it, - but we never do anything about it? - Let's do something about it.
Next weekend - monster truck rally and tractor pull.
Well, gee, as much fun as that sounds, I was really thinking more along the lines of ballroom dancing.
- Boy, that was my second choice.
- No, no, really.
I'm serious.
I think it would really be fun to take dancing lessons.
Me? The King? Remember college? Yeah.
Tim, disco didn't die.
You killed it.
No, I'm talking about grown-up dancing.
Fred and Ginger.
I thought Fred married Wilma.
You know what I mean.
You know, holding each other close, swaying to the music, gliding across the floor.
Gliding in public's not me.
We can take private lessons, just you and me.
Unbelievable! - Uh-oh.
- Come here.
You gotta see this.
Sanders just broke one for 50 yards around the right side.
They tackled him on the one.
We're gonna score! It's a first down! Happy anniversary, baby.
Honey would you like to go and watch the game? No.
We were talking about - Ballroom dancing.
- Ballroom dancing.
That's So anyway, the lessons are on Tuesday nights.
- Uh-huh.
- And it doesn't really cost very much.
And, uh, I've been having an affair with a space alien.
Yep, I'm, uh I'm having his baby.
Touchdown! Honey go.
- I'm fine.
I don't have to see the game.
- No, trust me.
It's OK.
I really want you to go.
Thank you.
Hello? Hi, Mommy.
Guess what happened to Sir Larry.
Mark! - Don't tell her, stupid.
- Why? We didn't do anything.
The guy's locked in a box.
Who do you think she's gonna blame? Hi, Mom.
Yeah, we're fine.
Oh, yeah, he's excellent.
A lotta fun.
Good tricks, too.
Um now? Well, um, he can't talk right now.
Um he just can't.
- She wants to talk to Mark.
- That's because she knows you'll squeal.
I won't squeal, I promise.
Hello, Mommy.
Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk.
- Boys! - It's OK, Sir Larry.
If we get the trunk high enough and drop it, it'll break open.
Please, let's not be hasty, boys.
- Mom and Dad are home.
- We're dead.
Hide! - Boys'? - Randy'? Mark'? Brad'? Out here! Mark, where is Mr.
Houdini? - Oh.
- In there.
- Are you all right, Mr.
Houdini? - I'm fine.
The x-rays may reveal otherwise, however.
- Mark, where are your brothers? - I don't know, Dad.
In the bushes.
Here, honey.
Come here.
Brad, Randy, come on out.
Come on.
Come on, right now.
I don't know what gets into you guys sometimes.
What'd you stuff that old man in that trunk for? He told us to.
Now, why would he want to be put in a trunk? But he did tell us to.
- Yeah, he did.
It's the truth.
- He's not The boys are speaking the truth.
They are completely innocent.
We'll talk about this in the morning.
It's bedtime now.
- Come on, I wanna see if he gets out.
- No, no, no.
I'll be up later.
Go on.
Honey, we're in some kinda trouble.
These are reinforced polycarbonate American butt hinges.
Sir Larry, is there anything that we can do? Someone we can call? Yes.
You can call my son, Cyril the Magnificent.
He has an extra set of keys, and he's at 555-7653.
All right.
I'll call right away.
Hang in there, Sir Larry.
And just take real short little breaths.
Wilson? - Howdy, neighbor.
- What are you doing over there? Oh, just mending the bellows on my accordion.
- Cool.
- What's in the trunk? - A famous magician.
- Oh.
Is he coming out of the box? As soon as his son comes over and unlocks it.
Not much of a trick, Tim.
- You got a minute? - Sure, good buddy.
You got a problem? Well, it's Jill.
I love her.
She's the most important thing in my life.
What did you do this time, Tim? We went out tonight to have a night just by ourselves - real romantic, that kinda stuff - and I spoiled it because of a football game.
We won.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
I don't know what it is about football and me.
I'm obsessed, I think.
Well, why do you think that is, Tim? I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson.
I love the surprise and the strategy and the strength.
The big guys, the logos, the colorful helmets.
The shine and the pads and the mouth guards.
The cleats and the hit and the impact.
The swearing, the sweat Sets me free, Wilson.
Well, what you're describing, Tim, is what Aristotle would call a "catharsis.
" Catharsis, oh.
How do you spell that? C Well, let's just say an emotional release, Tim.
That's that's what I feel, and I don't think she understands that.
She doesn't have to, Tim.
I'm sure there are things about her that you don't understand.
Well, you got that right.
You know, that woman has never had a haircut she liked.
Well, there you go.
And I go into her closet, I see 19 pairs of black shoes.
What's that all about? Well, Tim, different outfits require different shoes.
You got your pumps, your flats, your espadrilles, your open-toes, your T-straps, your patent leather I could go on and on.
I get the feeling you could.
The point is, you and Jill don't have to understand each other completely.
What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand.
That's exactly what she was talking about, too.
Sharing - she wanted to share.
But ballroom dancing? Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim? As the ancient Celtic saying goes: Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
Huh? - Sir Larry? - Still in here.
Yes, um, Cyril is on his way over with the keys.
Oh, thank you, kind madam.
- Hi.
- Hi.
About tonight, Jill.
I know I was stupid.
I know I spoiled things.
I wanna apologize.
And I won't watch all-day football anymore.
What about Thanksgiving and New Year's? Uh Half-day.
Or I'll cut out the pre-game show, or something.
I'll just try not to be so stupid about it.
- You'd do that for me? - In a second.
Well, we can always try and do it again.
Go out some evening, have some romance.
Well we're here.
We're alone.
Moon's full.
That's pretty romantic.
What more do you need? - Hey! - No.
I'll be loving you Always With a love that's true Always When the things you planned Need a helping hand I will understand Always, always Fate may not be fair Always Once you've cut the opening, you're ready to lay the sink in there.
Right? AI? Uh, that's right, Tim.
You know, home improvement's not just about renovating the kitchen.
There's a lot of other ways to improve your home.
Always be aware of your partner's needs.
Take time out to share some special time with your spouse.
- Right, Al? - I'm not married, Tim.
If you change those shirts and get a haircut, or something.
- I got a haircut.
- Get a better one, AI.
- OK.
- All right.
We drop it on "three," yeah? - On "three.
" - One.
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