Home Improvement s01e04 Episode Script

Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof

Now that we've finished clamping our stool and the glue is set, let's move on to our table top.
We're gonna show you how to do a dado head cut move today.
Now, a dado is just a carpenter's term for a groove cut into wood.
And if you use the word "dado," your wife will think you're intelligent.
- Right, Al? - I'm not married, Tim.
Well, if you use it in a conversation, you know, maybe you'll get lucky.
For cutting that dado, we're gonna be using something - that looks a lot like this.
- Here you go, Tim.
Whoo! Thank you.
This is the Binford Mach Three Super Plunge Router.
Oh, a thing of beauty, isn't it? Three horsepower motor, variable electronic speed control and an adjustable depth-stop system.
When using a router, you wanna use a real steady hand.
You might wanna use the guide arm so it doesn't get away from you.
You don't always have to use the guide arm if you have a steady hand.
- If you want a straight line, Tim.
- I've been doing this for years, all right? - Just hold the table, all right? - OK.
Start our cut.
Set your depth gauge and get going.
Perfect, AI.
Just does a good job of scrolling.
While AI cleans up this deliberate mess of mine, I'd like to welcome a new family member to Tool Time.
Alpena, Michigan.
Cold in the winter Pretty cold in the summer too, isn't it? Kidding around with you.
It's channel 97 there on your cable box.
And I'd like to give the folks up there in Alpena, AI - AI, there, you are - a Tool Time greeting.
What do you say, AI? Come on, guys.
Well, I'll tell ya That's about all for Tool Time today.
I'm Tim the "Tool Man" Taylor hoping hoping that all your fasteners stay tight.
See you next time.
- Good show, AI.
Good show.
- Yeah.
Right, Tim.
You know, I'm installing a satellite dish this Saturday.
You mean the one we used on the show last week? They almost gave it to me, demo cost.
Cost me nothing, man.
I'm happy for you, Tim.
I was kinda hoping you could stop by Saturday, maybe have lunch - and help me put it up.
- Oh, gee.
Well, I was kinda hoping to have the weekend alone.
- Kind of a private man time.
- Al? - Oh, good, AI.
- Yeah.
What time did you say you wanted to come over tomorrow and help me put up my bookshelves? Oh How about 9:00? That's perfect.
I'll see you then.
Bye, Tim.
See you, Lis.
Kinda that private man time, huh? Well, she's a co-worker, Tim.
I think of her as a man.
That's why you're still single, Al.
OK, once we get that satellite dish put up on the roof there, run that co-ax cable down the wall there, Mark.
Run it through the house, attach it to that TV set and we are equipped to get 200 stations.
- 200 stations? - Yeah.
Now it's gonna take 45 minutes for you to find out there's nothing on you wanna watch.
Hey! Can you smell that? That's diesel fuel fumes.
That's a turbo diesel.
That's 16 speeds.
Tandem axle.
That's a delivery truck.
- You can smell all that? - I sure can.
Come on, help me out.
Go out on that front porch and see if that delivery truck's on the way, 'cause I think our satellite dish is coming.
Let me know when it's in.
Oh, great.
You're a lifesaver.
No, no, no.
Today is fine - come right over.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate this.
- Who was that? - Rondall.
Rondall? Yeah.
You know, the teacher from that job search seminar I've been taking.
- Why is he coming over here? - Last Monday after class, we were having coffee, and he said that anybody who needed help Time out.
Flag that play.
- You had coffee with Rondall? - Yeah.
You didn't tell me about this coffee.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It was cream, two sugars.
Was it coffee? Or coffee and dancing? Uh Tim, don't be silly.
It was a few of us went out for coffee after class Oh, safety in numbers thing.
And Rondall said that if anybody needed any extra help, that we should give him a call.
So you sprinted right over to the phone and called him? Yes.
He's gonna help me get my resume in order for that job interview I have Monday.
Giving up his whole day Saturday.
That guy must have a pretty understanding wife.
He's not married.
How'd you find that out? During coffee? No, while we were dancing.
- That's good.
- Tim, what is the matter with you? - Don't you trust me? - No, it's not trust.
I'm just I'm just not sure that a man would give up all day Saturday for a woman unless he wanted something in return.
Tim, he's just a good guy.
He's helping me out.
Don't I recall you telling me that he was this big, strapping, cute, big, hunk kinda guy? - You know I never said that.
- Is he kinda cute? I don't know.
Some people would say so.
Cuter than me? Some people would say so.
Whoa! - Hey, this is cool! - Excellent.
That's true parabolic shape for super-efficient reflectivity, men.
- Mr.
Taylor, will you sign this, please? - Sure, man.
Oh, my God.
This thing is huge! How are you ever gonna get that up on the roof? That's why I have that pulley ratchet system setup up there.
Whoa, you're gonna put this up yourself? Uh-huh.
Yeah, right.
Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? It's simple.
Mount it, point it straight up.
Any man can do that.
Yeah, but but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.
Ah, that must be Rondall.
Oh, boys, look.
It's the dancing coffee drinker.
Hey, hey.
Tim, this interview is really important to me, and this guy's gonna help me.
Please behave.
I promise I will be a perfect gentleman the entire time he's here.
- How does this thing work, Dad? - Well, use your imagination, if you will.
You look up there, there are satellites orbiting the planet, sucking up information from every corner of the globe and spitting it back down here in this parabolic dish.
Now, this is very dangerous, though satellite dishes.
'Cause they have a pulse of their own and if you if you don't watch out, they can suck you into them.
Tim? Tim? Tim, this is Rondall Kittleman.
Rondall, this is my husband Tim.
- Hi.
- Tim.
And these are my boys.
That's Randy, Mark and Brad.
- Hi, guys.
- I was, uh, was just showing the kids how scientific these We just got this.
- Oh, really? It's a beauty.
- Help me, Dad! It's sucking me in! - No, it's not.
No, it's not.
- Aah! No, I don't know where they get these ideas.
Come on, you guys, get outta here.
Mommy, look.
I got a splinter.
Oh, honey.
Well, let's go get the tweezers and we'll get that out.
Will you excuse me? Just a minute.
Now, honey, hope you realize I'm gonna have to use the needle.
No! - So, Jill's told me a lot about you, Ron.
- Rondall.
It's Ron dall.
Great name.
- You know, you look familiar.
I - Well, you've probably seen me on TV.
I got my own home improvement show.
Jill told you about it.
No, she didn't mention it.
Oh, no.
Right, right.
Wait a minute, of course.
That's why you look familiar.
You got that little tool show on the cable.
Well, you know, we don't look at it as little because we pick up a lot of cities.
- We just got Alpena.
- Oh, yeah? Really? Both sets'? Sorry.
Just kidding you there, pal.
- That's pretty funny, Rondall.
- Oh, um Do that thing you do on the show.
That barking sound.
That Uh, it's really not barking.
It's more like a simian grunt.
Yeah, barking, grunting, whatever.
It's very funny.
Very funny show.
- You're very funny on it.
- It's not all fun and games.
It's a home improvement show.
Basically what we do Well, yeah, but you're very funny on it.
I mean, not like the other guy on the show.
The guy who knows everything.
Al's my assistant.
He assists me.
I think I got everything ready.
Do you want to get started? Sure.
I'd like to help you guys, but I'm gonna finish up that satellite stuff.
- Can I take your coat? - Oh, thank you.
Your husband's putting up a satellite dish, huh? - Yeah.
This afternoon.
- Uh-huh.
- I hope you have some help.
- Don't need any help, Bondo.
- No, I'm gonna do it all by myself.
- Tim, maybe you should call AI, 'cause, you know, he really knows about all that stuff.
- Al is my assistant.
He assists me.
- Yeah, I think you should listen to Jill.
You know, when I had mine put in, I had a couple of guys from Global View Satellites install it.
- Did ya? - Mm-hmm.
That must have cost you a pretty penny, huh? You know, it was worth it when you consider that the installation requires a precise calculation of the declination angle of the dish in relation to the equator.
The slightest deviation and the dish is useless.
Of course, you know that.
It goes without saying.
Tim, call AI.
AI is busy today.
Of course, the important thing right now is that you just get that dish up on the roof.
No problemo, Rondanello.
- Wilson? Wilson, you back there? - Right here, good neighbor.
I was wondering, when you watch my show Tool Time, do you think I'm funny? Well, I've got to be honest with you, Tim.
I've never seen the show.
- You've never seen my show? - No, no, no.
- But I don't have a television.
- Everybody's got a TV.
Not me.
I just use my imagination.
Watch the pictures inside my mind.
Cuts down on reruns then, doesn't it? Not really, Tim.
There's always déja vu.
Tim, I got the feeling you got something more on your mind than television.
Oh, not really, Wilson.
It's just Jill is working on her résumé with this guy, a know-it-all type.
He's trying to impress her.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And that worries you? I'm not jealous.
You know, I'm the least jealous guy on Earth, really.
Curious thing about jealousy.
Usually it stems from insecurity.
There's no insecurity here.
I can tell you that.
However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
Well, you should be secure, Tim.
You've got what every man dreams of.
A satellite dish.
No, Tim.
Three strapping boys, a nice home, a loving wife.
You're so right, you know.
Jill and I share so many great things - memories, great food - we love eating, you know - laughter.
Nobody makes her laugh like I do.
What's so funny? What are you laughing at? Oh, it's nothing.
It's nothing at all.
Oh, come on.
We always laugh around here.
- Come on.
What's so funny? - Well, OK.
There's a woman in our class that was always asking questions - No, honey, that's not the funny part.
- Oh.
Of course not.
So, anyway this one day Rondall asked if there are any questions, and the woman stands up and forgets what she's gonna say.
Oh, it's really I told you it's not funny.
I guess you had to be there.
I got to make some measurements for this cable.
- So you guys just pretend like I'm not here.
- OK, OK.
Now, listen.
About this interview I was gonna wear this blue suit with a plain white blouse.
Now, is that just too blah? No, I like white.
It's simple, but it's classic.
It shows you're not a slave to trends.
- Yes? What was that, Tim? - Huh? Oh, uh nothing.
I was thinking about that joke.
"She didn't know what to say.
" It just took me a while.
So, anyway, Randall, this jacket has really big shoulder pads.
So should I take them out? Because, you know, you hear about how wide shoulders make your neck look small and geeky.
No, no, no, no.
Wide shoulders show that you bear responsibility.
Maybe we should just, you know, get back to the resume.
Um, I brought samples over which I left in the car.
- I'll go get them.
Be right back.
- Oh, OK.
Tim, what was this? I was shoveling manure.
You're not buying this crock? I love this stuff.
Shoulder pads show strength and motion.
- And colors just brighten your life.
- I know.
I know.
It sounds really stupid.
But the guy is a professional.
He knows what he's doing.
Now, what is the matter with you? What's the matter with me is I'm seeing a guy in my house hitting on my wife.
- What? - Oh, come on.
Don't be so naive.
You see what's happening here? No.
Guy's over here on Saturday, drinking coffee, making you laugh.
Oh, God.
You're right.
How could I miss something so obvious? He's obviously just a great big walking hormone.
You laugh.
You make jokes.
I can smell testosterone right here.
Oh, and just a wee bit of estrogen thrown in, huh? - Tim! - Look at this.
- Look.
- Tim, get out of there.
- That is his personal property.
- Look at this.
Breath mints, cigarettes.
Now I've got it.
This is before.
This is after.
There may be a very good reason for him to have breath mints.
I mean, Rondall may just have bad breath.
Actually, I don't.
Oh! Oh, Rondall.
You know, I'm sorry It's just you know how sometimes when people smoke, they have bad breath Would you please excuse me for a minute, please? I want to talk to Tim.
Tim, I haven't worked in a really long time.
I'm really nervous about this interview that I have Monday.
- This guy is trying to help me.
- This guy would be helping himself to you if I wasn't here.
He'd have his hands all over you.
No chance of that.
You haven't left us alone for more than ten minutes.
- Is that what you want? Ten minutes? - I just wanna finish my résumé.
All right.
Excuse me.
I'll be up on the roof, completely out of sight.
You won't even hear me the rest of the day.
I can't hear a thing.
I'll be up there all by myself.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am so sorry for all the interruptions.
That's OK, but maybe we could do this another time.
Oh, but my interview at the Duncan Phillips Agency is on Monday.
Oh, OK.
Well, then, let's finish your résumé.
- We're almost done anyhow.
- Thank you.
What time is your appointment on Monday? It's 2:00.
Uh, why don't you and I have lunch together? Are you saying, uh, lunch, just you and me? Just the two of us? No, of course not, no.
I'm a good friend of the VP of sales over there, and I thought maybe you could join us before the interview.
Oh, great! Great.
That That just would be a tremendous help.
Now, um, when you put down your educational information, make sure You know, I'm sorry.
I forgot my friend won't be back from Cleveland on Monday.
- Oh.
- Uhh but you and I could still get together.
No, wait.
You mean that we're back to you and I alone together? Mm-hmm.
Jill, you know your husband's hanging from the roof, spying on us.
No, no, he's not spying on us.
No, he's just hanging upside down.
Um, he does that all the time to check things.
- I think he has a problem with me.
- No.
He really likes you.
- Does he? - Yeah.
I think he's a little bit uncomfortable with me.
And I think it's because he's sensing what I've been sensing.
- Which is what? - Well, you have been sending out signals.
Signals? What signals? Well, you asked me out for coffee after class.
Oh, no, no, no.
No! That was just There were four of us.
You were just across way across the table.
Yeah, but, you know, every time I turn around from the blackboard I see you staring into my eyes.
No, that's just paying attention.
That's a good thing.
I don't know why you're fighting it, Jill.
There's obviously something happening between us.
I mean, I feel it.
You feel it.
It's chemistry.
No, I flunked chemistry.
Jill you're playing hard to get.
I love that.
No, I'm playing "no get.
" I am a "no get" woman.
I'm a happy, married, "no get" woman, with a wonderful husband.
There's Mr.
Wonderful now.
- Honey, are you all right? - Just testing the safety line on this, honey.
Rondall, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh, oh, that's good.
That's good.
You're pretending to throw me out because your husband can see us.
No, I'm really throwing you out.
I think you should speak a little louder, you know, so he can hear you.
Here's you coat.
There's the door.
That's a good touch with the jacket.
I like that.
- Look, Rondall, you want a signal? - Uh-huh.
Here is your signal.
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
Does that mean we're not having lunch? Get out! - Jill! Come on out here, please.
- Tim! Tim, I don't believe it.
I am so embarrassed.
I feel like such a fool.
- Could you untangle that rope? - You were right.
That slime came on to me.
He wanted me to have lunch with him.
Get him out here.
Come on out here.
- No, no.
I took care of it.
I threw him out.
- Good for you.
- He said I was sending him signals.
- Jill, could you just untie this knot? - I would never send a signals.
- I know you wouldn't, Jill.
But we could just talk about this another time.
My legs are really numb.
I am so sorry.
I just never realized You know, I'm a married woman.
I got three kids.
You're a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman.
And he'd be a fool not to hit on you.
Oh, Tim.
You're so sweet.
- Could you cut me down, please? - No.
I like you like this.
All right, settle in.
Seen it.
Seen it.
Seen that.
Seen it.
Seen it.
Seen it.
Will you slow down? Just let me have that thing.
- OK, what's that? - Sumo wrestling from Japan.
Seen it.
Oh, now, that's better.
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