Home Improvement s01e18 Episode Script

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Randy, don't fly that in the house.
Go brush your teeth.
Brad, hurry up.
You're gonna miss the bus.
I'm just trying to figure out what to write for Jennifer's valentine.
Ooh, you got Jennifer a valentine.
Gag me.
- OK.
- All right, all right.
None of that.
- All this mushy stuff is stupid.
- You're too young to understand.
Hey, I'm only 13 months younger than you.
When you get to be my age you'll look at girls differently.
- How, like this? - Hey, enough.
Randy, go brush your teeth.
So, you got Jennifer a valentine.
That's really sweet.
It's no big deal.
I'm just gonna give it to her at school today.
What do you think? Hmm.
Joe valentine.
That's nice.
What's this thing he's holding? - It's a flame thrower.
- How romantic.
What do ya got? A G.
Joe valentine.
Boy, wish I had one of these for your mom.
I have a box full of them up in my room.
Do you have any with armored personnel carriers on them? - I'll go see.
- Great! So, you're gonna go all out this year, huh? Honey, don't worry.
I'll stop by the carwash after work, pick you up something special.
I could use a hot wax and a buff.
You know what would have been a great idea? - Is to go to that Stone Creek Lodge.
- Oh, I would have loved that.
Let's go.
Oh, come on, honey.
You have to call way in advance.
It's Valentine's Day weekend.
It's the busiest time of the year.
You're right.
Oh but but what do you suppose this is? Look at that.
"Reservations confirmed for Mr.
and Mrs.
Tim Taylor at the Stone Creek Lodge.
" You didn't? You did! Oh, honey.
- I just hope you like your room.
- Any room will be fine.
Because you'll be staying at the Honeymoon Suite! The Honeymoon Suite! Oh, good.
You must have made reservations like two months ago.
- Three.
- Three! Oh! OK, we're going to start early in the morning, drop the kids off at Aunt Helen's on the way, then I whisk you to a weekend of bliss at the Stone Creek Lodge.
Oh, Tim, I love it when you surprise me.
Wait till we get to the room.
Oohhhhhhh! Welcome back, everybody.
I finished installing that trailer hitch on the bumper.
Luckily, AI was able to find that fire extinguisher.
Who would have thought that chrome cleaner was that flammable? I guess whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.
OK, Al.
Well, we're almost finished for today.
And I want you to remember that next time, all next week on Tool Time we do our salute to camping.
To preview what's coming up, I'm gonna ask Lisa to bring out our sponsor and the president of Binford Tools, Mr.
John Binford.
Hi, Tim.
Good to be here.
Good to be here.
Thank you.
Well, you know, Lisa, it looks like John's decked out in Binford's latest line - of camping gear, huh? - That's right.
Everything Mr.
Binford's wearing is totally insulated and electro-heated.
The entire ensemble has a 120 volts in it.
Boy, you step out in the rain and you're a goner, boss.
Not true, Tim.
The entire Binford line is completely water-resistant.
Just like you.
You know, just seeing him in this camping gear makes me want to - take my whole family camping.
- Now that's a good idea, Tim.
- What? - Camping.
You should take your whole family and go out this weekend.
Well, actually, I got some big plans this weekend.
Then change them.
How would you folks like to see some home movies of Tim and his family camping? Well, that's settled, then.
By golly, next week Tim is gonna have home movies on Tool Time.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, everybody.
Damn, I'm hotter than a hen in a sack.
Get me out of this damn crap, will you? John, I can't go camping this weekend.
You're not gonna let me down, are you, Tim? No, I promised Jill a valentine's romantic getaway this weekend.
Oh, golly.
Well, maybe I can help.
Binford, why don't I take Tim's place? Oh, great idea.
I can take videotapes of me enjoying the camping equipment.
Who would want to watch a bachelor talk to himself in the forest? Wait a minute.
AI is real popular on the show.
A lot of people like him.
Well, I'm gonna have to get cold-blooded about this, I guess.
Tim, you know that you're the finest salesman that I've ever had.
Thanks, John.
That's the reason that you're host of the show.
Tim, I've never said this before, but, well you're kind of the son that I never had.
- Oh.
- No, it's true.
I'd trade all six of my daughters straight up for one of you.
- Don't say that.
- No, it's the truth.
Well, I've got a whole damn warehouse full of camping stuff, and I've got to move it.
To put it bluntly, my ox is in the ditch.
Can I count on you? Absolutely.
I'll get it! Hi, Bradley.
Hi, Jennifer.
Oh, hi, Jennifer.
Come on in.
Sit down.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs.
I can't stay.
- Ah, that's too bad.
I didn't see you at school today, so I couldn't give you your valentine.
Oh, that is so sweet.
All those little hearts.
- Mom.
- Sorry.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Don't you have a valentine for me? Uh no.
But I'll have one to you by Monday.
It'll be a good one.
Bradley, why didn't you give her your valentine? Because Bobby Pilsky gave her a huge one, and he made it himself.
I'm not gonna give her a dinky G.
Joe one.
Well, why don't you make one yourself? I'm not good at that stuff.
Well, I am.
Go get some construction paper.
I think I have yes, yes.
Some red glitter, and maybe some doilies.
Oh, no.
Not doilies! Oh, oh, honey.
I have something I want to show you.
This is all I'm gonna be wearing this weekend.
Boy, are you gonna be cold.
- There's been a little change in plans.
- Change.
What change? - Jill, you really love me, don't you? - Of course.
And we're always gonna be together, right? Yes.
Unless we're not going to the Stone Creek Lodge this weekend.
Oh, no.
We're going to the Stone Creek Lodge, - but we're taking a little side trip.
- To? - You're gonna think this is really funny.
- Try me.
Today on on Tool Time , I started telling everybody how we like to go camping as a family.
And we do, don't we? - Just get to the really funny part.
- OK.
Oh, let me gather myself.
This is just so funny.
I told Mr.
Binford that I'd take you all winter camping and videotape it this weekend.
Well, I guess I won't be needing this.
Jill, I didn't plan it like this.
He cornered me.
He offered me a bonus.
It's some camping thing.
I couldn't make him mad.
- But you can make me mad.
- Yeah! No.
But I've got a good idea.
We don't have to camp for the whole weekend.
We just have to look like we did.
- Keep talking.
- OK, OK.
Now, Wilson says he goes to this place called Crystal Lake.
It's on the way up North.
It's near Aunt Helen's.
So, I say we go to this Crystal Lake, we go look like we're camping, a couple of hours, have lunch or something, videotape it, get back in the car, drop the kids off and we are at the lodge in front of a cozy fire.
- It might work.
- Oh! It will work.
Trust me, OK? The last time I trusted you we had Mark.
Boys, sing with me.
A camping we will go a camping we will go Hi-ho, the dairy-0 ho-ho, ho-ho, ho-ho Well, that's the spirit, Brad.
Dad, I'm trying to come up with a poem for Jennifer's valentine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're a little stuck there, huh? Yeah.
Take a look.
"'L think you're swell, I think you're sweet".
- You know what could follow this? - What? "How'd you like to smell my feet?" Here comes Mom.
- Wow, this is great, Mom.
- Cut, honey.
Just cut, cut.
What took you so long, honey? I had a little problem with that hill.
I slid down it.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- A tree broke my fall.
- Oh.
I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining or anything, but I'm so cold I can't feel my toes.
- Did you turn on your electric socks? - No.
I did, and my feet are roasty-toasty warm.
Look, let's just pitch the tent, build the fire, sing "Kumbaya," and get out of here.
Give me those instructions.
OK, I'm with you 100%, my little valentine.
OK, guys, we need some firewood.
So, go collect me some.
But stay together.
OK, Jill.
I want you to start reading me the instructions and we'll put this up, take some pictures, and be all set.
Oh This new Binford stuff doesn't look like our tent.
Here it is.
It says, "Spread out the tent body with the floor to the ground.
" Piece of cake.
All right, keep keep reading.
"Join the shockcorded pole sections to form four poles," each 13 feet long.
The pole sleeves begin approximately "15 inches up from any floor webbing loop.
" Are you getting this? Does it look like I'm getting this? "Insert the first two poles into the two sleeves.
" After getting two complete poles through the sleeves, you place the aluminum-tipped end "into the grommet of the floor webbing loop.
" That's this.
- Floor webbing this.
- Yeah.
"By now it should be partially erect.
" The tent.
- All right.
Now, let me have that.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, you see, it goes over here.
- Honey, honey, honey, Let go, please.
- Well, let me help you.
- Let go of it! - OK.
- Ow! Oh, oh.
Honey, honey.
- Are you OK? - Oh, you punctured my sock battery.
No, you punctured your sock battery.
Can you do something else? I'll do the tent.
Well, OK.
I'll set up the camp stove.
They burning tir? It smells like burning tires, doesn't it? It's your feet! And your breath smells fresh, too.
No, no, no, I mean it.
Lt's your feet, your feet, your feet, feet! They're smoking! Aaah! - Man, I'm starving.
- Me, too.
When are we gonna eat? As soon as Daddy gets back from the car with the food.
He's been gone a long time.
Maybe he's lost.
If he doesn't come back, you know what the rule of the forest is? - What? - We eat the youngest first.
- Hey, Dad, where's the food? - It's in the trunk of the car.
Why didn't you bring it? We're hungry.
I got half way to the car, I turned right around, because I think my boys need some wilderness training.
What? Listen, you can get lost in these woods pretty easy.
So, I have a little test for you.
Where do you think the car is? You lost the car, didn't you, Dad? It's right where I left it.
I'm gonna go tell Mom you lost the car.
There's no reason she should know this.
Come here.
Stop! Well, don't you think she's gonna figure it out when we start walking home? How long do you suppose you can survive out here on your own? You're right.
Mom doesn't need to know.
Hey, honey, you got the tent up, a fire going.
Yeah, it's easy, you know? As long as you're just are patient and you follow the instructions.
And you have your wonderful, cooperative boys to help you.
- We even got it on video.
- Great.
- Now all we need is the food.
- Hah.
- Food? - Yeah.
Where is it? I can't find it.
What do you mean, you can't find it? It's in the trunk of the car.
Oh, my God.
You lost the car? Honey, don't panic.
Don't panic.
I came up here to get my compass.
- Well, what good is that gonna do? - Honey, now I know where north is.
So? How does that help you find the car? It's so technical.
It's hard to explain, honey.
Tim, why don't you just admit it? There is no way we're gonna make it to Stone Creek Lodge.
Oh, yes, we are.
All we got to do is find the car, get the food, bring it down here, cook a lunch, make a video, pack it up, put the kids in the car, take them to Aunt Helen's, and we whisk away to the romantic weekend at Stone Creek Lodge just like I promised.
No matter what you think, we're going.
- Well, I don't think it's gonna happen.
- Well, I'm gonna make it happen.
Tim, you already burned up your socks, you lost your rod and reel, now you can't find the car.
You're trying to do too much.
It's not gonna happen! You're insinuating this is my fault? No, I'm not insinuating it's your fault.
I'm saying it.
It's your fault.
Your fault! I am not gonna stand here and listen to this.
- I'm going to the car.
- Fine.
- The car is that way.
- Shows how much you know.
Told you.
Brad? Hey, Randy, is that you? Hello? Hey.
Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Wilson? - Didn't mean to startle you, Tim.
What are you doing up here? Well, I always come up here for Valentine's Day.
Spend time with my true love, Mother Nature.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I'm lost.
That's why I come up here, Tim.
To lose myself.
Only when you lose yourself can you begin to find yourself.
I must be really found, because I'm completely lost.
You got a minute? Well, Tim, I think I can squeeze you in.
For three months I've been planning on this romantic weekend with Jill, and I said nothing was gonna interfere with it.
So, me, Mr.
Bone-head, I go ahead and tell Mr.
Binford that I'm gonna have a weekend winter camping with my family - the same weekend.
- Hmm-mmm.
Why did you do that, Tim? Wilson, I thought I could do both, you know, and make everyone happy.
Well, Tim, let me tell you a little story, about a doe.
A deer.
A female deer.
You're not gonna break into song, are you? No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
Anyway, once, when I was driving up here, I came across a young deer standing in the middle of the road.
And my headlights were shining directly into it's eyes.
She started to move one way, then she moved another way.
Then she panicked, she froze.
I had to swerve the car to avoid hitting her.
Ended up running into a tree.
- Whoa.
- Now, the deer was happy, but I wasn't.
If she had chosen one direction and ran, we both would've been happy.
You see, Tim, when you try to go in too many directions at once, you end up going nowhere.
I know what direction I wanna go.
Right to that Stone Creek Lodge.
- Good for you, Tim.
- But first, I've got to go get my car.
Well, I parked my truck right next to it.
It's 300 yards south by southeast.
- Thank you, Wilson.
- I'll walk with you, Tim.
Thanks, Mom.
This hot chocolate is great.
Thank you.
You want some more, sweetheart? Yes, please.
What was that? Oh, I don't know, but don't worry about it.
You're completely safe here.
Hey, Mom, this camping stuff is really fun.
I'm glad Dad wanted to do this.
You are? Yeah.
You didn't have fun putting up the tent and making the fire? Well, actually, I've been real focused on getting to the lodge, but I'm having a real good time.
Do you mind if we go over there and build a snow fort? No, as long as you don't wander off alone.
Oh, thank God.
I was getting worried.
I heard this awful howling.
Oh, that was me.
Couldn't find any leaves, I had to use a pine cone.
- What are you drinking? - Oh, it's hot chocolate.
You want some? Where did you get hot chocolate? Well, the boys had a candy bar.
So, I just melted some snow with it.
It tastes like mint.
I added some toothpaste.
- What is the deal with that string? - Well I found the car.
And I moved it up to this little hill, so I wouldn't loose it this time.
But just to make sure, I took this 200-pound test fishing line, tied one end to the bumper and the other end's being tied to me.
We're not losing the car again.
You know, Tim, it's getting dark.
I don't think you're gonna be able to finish that video.
Oh, forget the video.
And I'm sorry I dragged you into this thing, but right now, I've got one direction.
That Stone Creek Lodge.
Look, Tim, let's be realistic.
By the time we pack up here, drop off the boys, drive to the lodge, we're only gonna have time to fall asleep, check out, pick up the boys, and go home.
What? Do you suggest we stay here? Yeah.
- We can do it.
It'll be fun.
- Boy, I love you, Jill.
Besides, it doesn't matter where you are on Valentine's day, just who you're with.
This is all I'll be wearing tonight.
Tim, did you say that you parked the car on a steep hill? - Uh-huh.
- Did you set the parking brake? Why would I wanna do that? Oh, geez! I'll be right back.
- What's the matter? - I can't do this.
- What if she thinks it's stupid? - She won't.
I helped you make it.
And I helped you write the poem.
She'll think it's great.
Go on.
Don't leave her standing out there by herself.
Go on.
- Here.
I made this.
- Oh, Bradley.
"L'll give you candy and I'll give you a flower.
Forget Bobby Pilsky, I have more power.
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