Home Improvement s01e19 Episode Script

Unchained Malady

- Here you go - good as new.
- Oh, come on, Tim.
You can't tell me that actually works.
- Just like it was.
- Impressed.
- Doesn't take a genius to fix a hairdryer.
- And that's why we asked you.
- Good one, Jill.
- Thank you so much.
I just love it when we girls get together and do our little estrogen humor.
I'm going to the park to ride my new bike.
Randy, why are you wearing all those pads? - 'Cause they look cool.
- And you gotta look cool, 'cause you're not riding that kiddy bike anymore.
You'll be riding the new KX-80 man-sized speed demon.
Ugh, ugh, ugh Hey, have fun but ride slowly, OK? Jill, ride slowly? A man's got to make challenges for himself.
Try to visualize you're at the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Right out of the shoot.
200 miles an hour 300, 400, 500 arg, arg, arg! - Fur ball, Tim? - Arg! I'll be going to the park now.
I would Oh, a chain letter.
- Oh, no, is it addressed to me? - No, it's to me.
Let me see, let me see.
"Within 24 hours of receiving this chain letter, it must be sent to ten people.
If you break the chain, you will have bad luck.
" Oh, I'm shaking in my shorts.
Look at this.
Watch this.
Shake all you want, but listen to this.
"A naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later, he was decapitated.
" "Naval officer gets his head cut off.
" You read it wrong.
It says, "A headwaiter got his naval cut off.
" Don't do that! Why take chances? You don't know This naval officer might have had his head cut off.
Honey, honey, don't worry.
If you get your head cut off, I'll staple gun it back on.
Tim, that letter's addressed to you.
You're the one who's gonna have the bad luck.
God, you're right, Karen.
Something horrible could happen to me.
I'll see you guys.
I need a head, I need a head! You gotta - Ouch! - Tim? Where have you been? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago.
Boy My battery went dead, so I had to charge it up.
I get to work, somebody was parked in my spot.
Oh, gee, that's too bad.
But I have a feeling your luck will be changing soon.
You sound like Jill.
She got all upset this morning because some idiot sent me some stupid chain letter.
Well, he wasn't necessarily an idiot, Tim.
Well, I don't care what he was.
I threw it out.
Well, you You shouldn't have done that.
You know, something bad could happen.
- Like what? - I don't know.
You You could be decapitated.
You sent me that letter, didn't you? I didn't say I sent it.
The chain letter says you're not supposed to say.
- What chain letter? - The one I'm not saying I sent you.
I should've figured it was you.
I'm the only person you know.
I'm just saying, that all day I've had good luck.
- Really? - I found $20 on the sidewalk.
And this morning, I won a shovel on a radio contest.
Ooh a shovel? You must have been listening to, "Grave digging with Gus?" Tim, did you see this message? Someone named George Foreman called and he said, "I'd be happy to do it.
" Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
- George Foreman the boxer? - No, this is George Foreman the hypnotist.
- Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
- Well, that's great.
Is he gonna come on the show and build something? No, I suggest he come on and spar with you for a couple of hours.
He has a charity George Foreman Youth Home.
And I did a little banquet for him.
He said, "How can I repay you?" I said, "How about coming on Tool Time?" He said, "Yes.
" So, ho-ho-ho-ho Mr.
Negativity, maybe I've got some luck after all.
I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
AI, listen.
Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck.
Winning a shovel, that's not good luck.
You do not have good luck.
I almost forgot.
The heat's broken in my apartment.
Can I stay at your place tonight? - Sure, Lisa.
- Thank you.
I can't believe you tried that stupid jump on your new bike.
You're going to be grounded 'till you're dead.
We have to think of a lie fast.
We could say lightning hit it.
Yeah, right.
I just wish there was some way we could blame this on Mark.
Yeah, he believes everything we say.
We could tell him he did it.
That's even dumber than the lightning.
Come on, let's hide this in the bushes before mom sees us.
Honey, if you want to blow bubbles, you have to flatten the gum out first.
- Like that.
- You mean like this? Well, sort of.
Yeah, well, that's one way.
Now, put it on the tip of your tongue and blow.
I think you need to practice that some more.
Oh, hi, Al No, he's not here yet.
What? He should do what with his hands? What's wrong with his hands? Is he alright? Yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll tell him.
What happened? AI and Tim were working with some dye on the show, and Tim accidentally dyed his hands green.
- Oh, hi, Tim.
- Hi, Karen.
How are you doing? - Good, and you? - Great.
- Great.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.
- How was work? - It was good.
- No bad luck today, Tim? No, it's a great day.
- Good.
- Well, come here.
Give me a hug.
Tim, come here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
- I - Just a second.
Look, I've been feeling really bad about all the nasty things I've been saying to you.
- Hey, hey.
don't - No, no.
I'd feel a lot better.
- Let's just start over.
- Good.
Shake? I don't want to.
Oh, look at this.
The boys left their basketball here again.
Tim, would you get rid of this for me? Catch.
AI called.
Told us about your hands.
- Why didn't you say something? - 'Cause this is more fun.
This has nothing to do with throwing out that chain letter.
I didn't say that.
Did you say that? Not that.
I had good luck today.
- Guess who decided to be on Tool Time? - Who? - George Foreman.
- George Foreman.
- Yeah - Is he an athlete? - Yes, Jill.
- I know who he is.
- I know you do.
- He's the quarterback for Detroit Tigers.
- No, no, no - No, no, that's Arnold Palmer.
- No, he's a race car driver.
- Ladies, ladies - Ladies, look - Yeah, he won the Super Bowl.
George Foreman happens to be the former Heavyweight Champion of the World.
Oh, wow.
In what sport? Boxing.
He's a boxer, Jill.
Boxing's not a sport.
What do you call a great sport, synchronized swimming? I'm not kidding.
They call boxing "The Sweet Science.
" Oh, really? How scientific is it for two men to stand in a ring and pound each other? I'll show you how it is.
Put up your dukes.
Try and hit me in the face.
Come on.
- Tim, I am not going to fight you.
- Come on.
You're not going to fight me.
I'm just gonna show you how much skill it takes - to hit a moving target.
- I don't want to hit you.
I didn't say you were gonna hit me.
I said you're gonna try to hit me.
- Ding ding.
- Stop that! - Nail him.
- Come on.
- Alright.
- Good.
Hey, c'mon.
Hit me.
What's the problem? - Honey? - I m going to get you.
Ooh I'm so scared, I'm shaking in my boots.
Come on, come on.
See? It's a science.
I'm out-thinking you.
I blew a bubble! Ow! God! Ooh.
It's really getting swollen and red.
Maybe we should dye it green to match your hands.
Well, I'm sorry, honey, but you made me hit you.
Tim, did she hit you with a jab or an uppercut? - It was a lucky punch, is what it was.
- Not so lucky for you.
Don't start this.
This has nothing to do with me throwing out that chain letter.
I told you not to throw it away.
You didn't pull it out of the trash and save it did you? No, why? Are you sorry I didn't? No, it belongs in the trash.
- Guys, I'm leaving.
- Hey, my luck is changing already.
- Bye, champ.
- Bye.
I was talking to Jill.
Now, if he challenges you to a rematch, I want you to call me.
Well, I better let his eye heal first.
Where would she put that darn chain letter? What are you doing out here? Nothing.
I was just out here getting a little air on that eye.
You were not.
You were looking for that chain letter.
- Was not.
- Was too.
And you're not going to find it either.
'Cause the trash was picked up this morning.
Hi-ho, neighbors.
- Oh, hi, Wilson.
- Hey, Wilson.
Tim, I found this kind of wedged under my fence.
It wouldn't belong to anybody over there, would it? - Randy? - It's Randy's.
Where's Randy? - Upstairs.
- Is he all right? - Yeah.
- Randy! - Just a second! - Nice hands, Dad.
Do you know anything about this? It looks like he was hit by lightning.
Yeah, right.
Lightning? - Yeah, Mom? - What happened to the bike? - Well, it was hit by - Don't say "lightning.
" Wind.
A strong wind.
- Leave.
- OK.
Not you! Come back here.
- What happened to the bike? - Dad, your hands are green.
They were hit by lightning.
What happened to your bike? OK.
Stevie Randall double dared me to jump the ramp down at the park.
What ramp at the park? We built this five foot ramp at the bottom of the hill to see how far we could jump.
- Five feet?! - Five feet.
Wow, you must have been shooting off that thing.
Man is not supposed to fly.
You could really have hurt yourself.
Well, I would've made the landing except the bike broke.
I think you should take it back, Dad.
It has a defect.
I think you should go upstairs while your father and I discuss this.
Come on.
- Dad? - Yes? I know you always say a man should take care of his machine.
And I'm sorry.
But I did beat the record.
- By how much? - Six feet.
- Yes! - Tim.
Go on upstairs! You heard me.
Go on, now.
Oh, those crazy kids, honey.
You know, the defect is probably in the bike.
It doesn't matter about the defect.
He did a stupid thing.
- Well, he had to make the jump.
- Why? - Honey, they double dared him.
- So? So, our son was challenged.
He met the challenge and he's earned their respect.
Oh, I see.
So if these kids tell him that he should jump off a cliff he should do that? You'd need a bigger bike for that.
This is a pretty common thing for kids.
Oh, when I was young, ten years old, they dredging Quarton Lake, my buddies challenged me to jump off a dock into three feet of mud naked.
And I did it.
To this day, do you know what they call me? The village idiot? Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
And welcome to "Tool Time.
" Ho-ho-ho, yourselves.
Welcome to the show.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And I'm AI "The Lucky Man" Borland.
You know, we've got a big show this week.
We've got a special guest.
A very special guest.
The former and maybe future Heavyweight Champion of the World.
Let's bring him out here, Mr.
"More Power" himself, George Foreman.
Yeah! You know, this is a building show.
We build things.
What would you like to build? How about a sandwich? We'll actually, we're gonna build a staircase.
I never ate a staircase.
Well, don't start now.
We only have one of them, you know? Before we get going, I'd like you to sit down and ask you a few questions, if I could.
A little conversation about challenges.
You're a renowned heavyweight.
You've met a lot of challenges in your life.
Has there ever been a challenge you've been unable to meet? There was this seafood buffet once.
I wanted to eat 16 plates of fried shrimp.
- Yeah.
- But when I got to the 13th plate, I had trouble.
I started to stagger.
- What about the 14th plate? - TKO.
- Ah.
That TKO thing.
- Totally keeled over.
Well, I guess we can safely say you're the heavy champion of the world.
Well you know I meant Just a little joke, George.
- That dinner taught me something, Tim.
- What's that? - A man's got to know his limitations.
- Yeah.
That's some good advice from the champ.
Hey, Tim.
Is there something wrong with your eye? No no I hit it on something.
His wife's fist.
Thanks, AL.
You need to put a thick steak on that eye.
I thought you were supposed to put ice on a black eye.
Oh, when you're done with ice, you can't barbecue it.
Why don't we get right on that project.
What do you say? Lisa? Bring out that staircase.
- OK.
- Here you go, fellas.
Thank you, Lisa.
Well, Al's already set up our staircase.
And we're ready to proceed.
AI, what's the next stage in the staircase assembly? Well, as you can see, we're about ready to nail in our risers and tread.
Ow! You think that's funny, huh? Well Since you're the guest here, why don't you hit that first nail, George? There you go.
George, what are you doing? Well, if I'm going to hit that nail, Tim, I've got to get angry with it.
Huh? So, I'm going to close my eyes and imagine it's Evander Holyfield.
- You going to hold that nail for me? - AI, hold that nail.
I don't think so, Tim.
- George, hold your own nail.
- I don't think so, Tim.
- Lisa? - I don't think so, Tim.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I just start the nail for you? Hey yeah I didn't go to college for nothing, George.
OK, George.
Take a wing at that.
We'll get ready the measurements Give way, people.
Good gracious.
One, two, three, four You're out of there! - Wilson, you over there? - As far as I know, Tim.
- Are you a superstitious man, Wilson? - No, I'm not, Tim.
Knock wood.
I'm not superstitious, either, but I know this guy who in one day got a black eye, flattened his finger, and dyed his hands an odd color.
- Green? - Yeah.
It's me.
I've been having this string of bad luck lately.
I wonder if it's because I threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Well, personally Tim, I place no credence in chain letters.
Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
He was a naval officer in Borneo.
- He was decapitated.
- No.
Oh, yeah Well, I'll have to send the family a card.
What do I do about this chain letter? Well, Tim, the problem may not be the chain letter.
Someone's planted the concept of bad luck in your mind, and therefore your subconscious is expecting bad luck.
Ergo, bad luck happens.
Ere you go.
Bad luck.
Bad luck.
What if someone wasn't as enlightened as me? How would they get rid of that curse? Well, some people think it can be broken by carrying garlic and Wolfsbane.
- Wolfsbane? - Hmm-hmm.
Genus, Aconitum Vulparia.
Yeah, sure.
Also called, Monkshood.
It's a herb indigenous to the Eurasian plain.
It's very, very rare.
Almost impossible to find.
- Where would I go get some? - Right here, Tim.
- Do you have any garlic? - Be my guest.
Try to bring that back, Tim.
I'm making Pizza.
You know, Dad, jumping off that ramp really was stupid.
It sure was.
You could have been hurt real bad.
A man's got to know his limitations.
That's what it is.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah, but I think I know why you did it.
When I was young, I knew this kid, was a real bright, good looking kid, that everybody used to taunt, you know? They challenged him and he met their challenge by diving off a dock into three feet of mud naked.
Man, that was stupid.
It wasn't as stupid as what you did.
I think it's kind of brave.
- Brave? - Yeah, big shot.
You had pads, I was naked.
Tim, look at this.
Hey, Mom, did you know Dad jumped into three feet of mud naked? Again? And I get busted for ramp jumping.
Yeah, yeah you just go get ready for bed.
Honey, I was just making this list.
And you know, I don't think that all this bad luck is just because of that chain letter.
- You don't, do you? - No.
Listen to this.
In the last month, you have done the following - Backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe into the floor, and glued your head to a table.
What's your point? Well, the point is, it's not the chain letter that's bringing you bad luck.
It's you.
You're a klutz.
Isn't that great? Honey, I'm thrilled.
You don't have to worry about being superstitious.
I'm not superstitious.
This is your fault.
- Mine.
- Yes.
You were the one that planted the idea of bad luck in my mind and let the ergo out of my subconscious.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey - I did what? Don't deny this.
You and I are a lot different because I don't buy into that hocus-pocus jazz.
- What? - Ls that garlic I smell? - That's a cologne.
- Why is this in your pocket.
- I I was holding it for Wilson.
- And what is this? - Huh? - This.
What is this? Wolfsbane.
Wouldn't be trying to ward off any evil spirits, would you, Tim? Wilson said that if I put those in my pockets, - it would turn bad luck into good luck.
- Really? How's it do that? I'll show you.
- Garlic goes here.
- Yeah? Wolfsbane goes here.
Then you're supposed to take your wife, give her three kisses One Two.
And the third one's really long.
- You know what? - What? - Wilson was right.
- About what? You're about to get real lucky.
- So, is this what we're supposed to do? - No, here.
- OK.
Like that and like that.
- Alright.
Now, a lucky punch you can't rely on those.
You can always have a distraction and get a good punch in.
- But what if I hit you again? - You ain't gonna hit me again.
Mark, come on.
Put the bubble gum away.
- Why do you always - Dink.
Let's fight fair, alright? - This glove is really loose.
- I tightened the glove my Dink.
I'm not falling for this again.
- I can't get my hair out of my mouth.
- You put the earring on there Dink.
- When I say "ready", we start.
OK? - Ok.
- Alright.
- Dink.
- Is this really that funny to you? - Yes.
- Alright.
- Alright.
- Don't hit me in the face again.
- OK.

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