Home Improvement s02e09 Episode Script

Where There's A Will, There's A Way

- Guys, what are you doing? - We're watching the game.
We're playing sumo wrestlers.
You can't be watching the game and playing sumo wrestlers at the same time.
Yes, we can.
We're gifted.
And I am so proud.
Now take it outside.
Come on, pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
Pass the ball! Yes! But not to the other team, you idiot.
Oh, come on.
Not now, I'm listening to the game.
Come on.
I want you to look at some of this stuff.
Oh, come on.
It's tied and the Wolverines need me.
Please? Please? No, I need you.
Come on, you can miss an inning.
Inning? Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth? No, but you bugged me during conception.
There, see? It's a commercial.
You can talk to me.
All right.
You got two minutes.
Hurry up.
You know, these are bits and pieces of wills that we started and never finished.
The will? It's that again? Didn't we just do this? Yeah, this is real recent.
"In the event that we have children.
" You see, I think you're avoiding this again.
Every time we go to make an appointment with the lawyer we end up canceling it.
Usually because you come up with some bizarre physical ailment.
- Do not.
- Last time it was because your hair hurt.
It tightens up on me every so often.
Oh, game's on.
Tim, I'm gonna make an appointment with the lawyer.
If you're even thinking about getting sick, go see a doctor.
- Honey, I'm healthy as a horse.
- Then see a veterinarian.
When was the last time that you had a complete physical? Honey, I I go to the doctor all the time.
I'm not talking about the emergency room.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? One, two, three.
- Yes, it works.
- That was awesome.
I bet if we both jumped on it we could get twice the power.
- What else can we shoot across the yard? - Hi, guys.
Hey, Mark.
Come here.
Have you ever played Rocket Man? - You wanna play with me? - Well, yeah.
- And guess what.
- What? - You're gonna be the rocket.
- Cool.
Now you just stand there and wait.
And you might wanna put your hands out like Superman.
- Like this? - Yeah, that's perfect.
One, two Wait! Hold it there! But, Mom, I'm gonna fly.
This flight is grounded.
Mark, you go inside.
You two, you just stay right where you are.
Don't even think about moving.
But, Mom, they wanted to play with me.
Mark, when Brad and Randy say they wanna play with you, always ask yourself: "What do they want to do to me?" OK.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, my lucky little offspring and my even luckier wife.
Well, you're in a zippy mood.
I took your advice.
Saw Dr.
Brody today, got a complete physical.
- Really? - He said I'm fitter than a Greek god.
Just call me Baklava.
As a matter of fact, he was so impressed he wanted to know if he could frame my chest x-rays and hang them in the waiting room.
Good thing he's not a proctologist.
- What are you doing? - Working on the will.
I told you I was healthy.
We don't need to do this now.
You don't have to do it, I'm doing it.
This first part is just about listing your personal assets.
I'm not doing this.
You don't have to do it.
I told you, I'm doing it.
"Upon your death, how and to whom do you want your assets to be distributed?" Why are we always talking about my death? Let's talk about your death.
Statistics show it's much more common for the man to die first.
Yeah? Well, look what we have to live with.
And it's remarks like that that lead to those early deaths.
Now, let me see.
Tim's tools - go to his brother Steve.
- No.
No, no! No! - They don't go to Steve.
Don't - I thought you weren't participating.
I'm not participating.
My tools are mine.
They don't go with anybody.
- I want to be buried with them.
- Oh, no.
You're not being buried.
I'm having you cremated.
No, you're not.
Put me in some stupid urn up here on the bookcase? Forget about it.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna put you in a mayonnaise jar behind the wing nuts.
Rinse it out before you pour me in it.
There is something that we do have to talk about.
And that is who is gonna get the kids if we both die.
Wedgie patrol! Hey! Come on.
No wedgie patrol.
Why wait till we're dead? Won't somebody take them now? No, really.
I'm serious about this.
What about one of my sisters? You know, Katie or Robin would take them.
If we gotta give them away, give them to my brother Jeff.
The boys love Jeff.
Of course they do, he's the only human being who can belch "The Star-Spangled Banner.
" No, look.
Let's just We'll just talk about this part later.
We'll go back to the other thing.
You know, we don't have to itemize.
It basically just says that if I die you get everything and if you die I get everything.
My stuff's so much cooler than your stuff.
If you die, what do I end up with? That weird little pig oven mitt and that blender.
If I die, you get the Binford 18-piece chisel and punch set.
Oh, well, now you see why I'm so desperate to get this down on paper.
But let's say I die and you remarry a young stud named Paco who's a bullfighter in Mexico.
Then what happens? I learn Spanish.
Anyway, before we say goodbye, Al's got a little project he'd like to talk about.
That's right, Tim.
I've recently bought land up near Houghton Lake.
I'm building my own log cabin.
Log cabin.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
A man, a log, and his tools.
Al comes from pretty hardy pioneer stock.
I do.
As a matter of fact, we have a picture of the matriarch of the Borland clan, Al's great-great-grandmother, Sal Borland.
How long have you been working on that cabin, Al? About four and a half months, Tim.
But that's only because I'm doing it the old-fashioned way - the sweat of my brow and an ax.
A pox on your ax, Al.
This is what you need, buddy.
You know, the Binford 8200.
silicone pistons, steel bucking spike.
That's fine, Tim, but I'm trying to build it the way my forefathers did.
But, Al, three out of four fathers recommend this.
I prefer the ax, Tim.
You power that yourself.
Build it the wimpy way, Al.
But next time on Tool Time I'm gonna show everybody just how to use the Binford 8200.
That way you can all learn how to build your own log condominium.
Well, Tim, I think you should point out that that particular chainsaw is very powerful and dangerous and should not be should not be used without This particular chainsaw should not be used without the assistance of a trained Do you guys know what a will is? It's a paper that says who's gonna get your stuff when you die.
Yeah, it's good to have one in case we kill you.
Mom and Dad are making one now.
- I get the hot rod.
- No way.
Why? 'Cause I'm the oldest.
I get all the good stuff.
- No, you don't.
I want the hot rod.
- Too bad.
Yeah, too bad, huh? Hey.
Good leg sweep, Randy.
Who gets the hot rod when you die? When I die? That's all you're worried about - who gets the hot rod? Fine, forget the hot rod.
Who gets the stereo? Why don't you let me worry about that and you worry about setting the table.
I'll figure out my will myself.
- Is that you, Wilson? - Yes, indeedy, good neighbor.
Actually what you heard was Anas platyrhynchos.
more commonly known as the mallard.
Wilson, Jill and I are working on our will and it's really getting to me.
Actually, Tim, it's quite appropriate that you're contemplating death.
Yeah, why's that? Well, you see, when you rearrange the letters of your name, Tim Taylor, it spells the word "mortality.
" Oh, I hate to hear stuff like that, Wilson.
Does that disturb you, Tim? Not as much as the fact that you know that.
Now, Jill Taylor, on the other hand, would be "jolly trail.
" There's been no jolly trail over here.
We've been arguing about that will.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I hate wills.
I wonder who started them.
Where'd they come from? Well, Tim, I'm sure you could trace it back to some chiseled drawing on the cave wall of Cro-Magnon man.
Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting.
I, Grog - ting, ting, ting, ting, ting - leave my wheel - ting, ting, ting, ting - to Grog Jr.
- ting, ting.
To my loving wife - ting, ting, ting, ting - whose shrill cry scares the mastodon - ting, ting, ting, ting - I leave this stick.
You see, Tim, wills are the natural outgrowth of our mortality consciousness.
Huh? I'm just saying the human being is the only animal, from an early age, that realizes that it's going to die.
It may know it's going to die, but it doesn't know when.
Oh, I wouldn't worry, neighbor.
You probably have 50 more good years.
Or I could die tomorrow.
- Honey, what are you doing? - I'm working on my hot rod.
It's 4:30.
I wanted to get an early start on it today.
Did I wake you up? No, I'm starting my paper route this morning.
I'm sorry.
- Are you thinking about the will? - No.
Well, I have been.
I've decided that you're right.
Maybe we should let your brother Jeff have the kids.
- No.
- They love him.
Jeff doesn't know how to raise kids.
He's demented.
He used to put honey on my butt and make me sit in red ant piles.
I thought that you said that that was who you wanted.
Well, I changed my mind.
- Then who do you want? - I don't want anyone.
Tim, what is bothering you? - Nothing is bothering me.
- Come on, there's something.
Is it anything to do with your dad? No.
It has nothing to do with my dad.
I just don't think anybody's qualified to take care of the boys.
I guess you and I just can't die.
You don't think you're being a little irrational? Easy for you to say.
You're "jolly trail.
" - What? - See, I'm not being irrational.
I just know too much.
If I were an animal I would be unconscious.
Think about that.
Thank you.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know Al, the great-great-grandson of Sal Borland.
Al, you perchance have some friends in the audience today? More than friends, Tim.
I'd like to introduce a group that I inspired.
People without personalities.
No, Tim.
I'd like to introduce a group that's in our studio audience today, the Al Borland Fan Club.
Welcome, members of ABFC.
Al, do you call it a club 'cause you've gotta beat these guys over the head to get them to join? I don't think so, Tim.
Well, since your fan club's here, why don't I let you introduce the project for today, Al? Today, Tim will be demonstrating log cutting with the Binford 8200.
And to help him out, we have a couple of lumberjacks with us today, Red Jenkins and Phil Gaxton.
This way.
Thanks, men.
- Here you go, Al.
- Thanks for the buttons.
Golly, it's a lot bigger than it looks in the picture, isn't it? Hope you have life insurance.
They don't call it the Widow Maker for nothing.
W- W-Widow Maker? That's right.
But I'm sure you'll do all right, Tim.
Al, this would be the perfect project for you.
Tim, it's your show.
I wonder if your fans would like to see you take the reins of this bad boy.
What about it, Al pals? Ha ha! You see, Tim, an Al pal's first duty is to watch out for Al.
And it's my first duty to fire you for not doing what I say, Al.
Red, Phil, why don't you bring out Al's log? Here's a lesson for you kids at home.
Always have your coworker do the dangerous stunts.
Sure, the girls are gonna think he's cooler, but you'll get the girl in the end because you survived.
Remember, safety first.
You've seen it cut through wood.
you've seen it cut through concrete.
but that's not all The Kasaki steak knife will also cut through this two-inch exhaust pipe Oh.
I found it.
Expiration is 7/93.
I want the whole Kasaki set.
The super set, right.
I get that leather pouch, right? Oh, that just looks like leather? Oh.
All right, but I ordered a whole set so I get that titanium cheese slicer too, right? Great.
Thank you.
What are you doing up, little man? It's 3:00 in the morning.
Can't sleep? - What's the matter? - Dad, are you gonna die? Not till I've paid for these knives.
Come over here.
What's the matter with you? - You told Wilson you're going to die.
- You heard that? I was in the tree.
Well, I didn't mean I was gonna die now.
I'm gonna live for a long, long time.
But your dad died when you were a kid.
That doesn't mean anything's gonna happen to me.
But what if it does? Well, I'll find somebody really cool to take care of you.
Like Al? He'll assist that person.
If you're not gonna die, why do you need a will? 'Cause, uh Honey? That's just something that every responsible adult has to do.
That's what I was gonna say.
You don't have to worry about that stuff.
No, you only have to worry about vegetables, and cleaning up your own room, and making sure your brothers don't rocket you over the house.
Besides, you don't have to worry about that.
Just know that your mom and I Shh.
So I guess you're not the only one that's been losing sleep over this.
Yeah, but he gets to ask questions.
I gotta answer them.
Guess that makes you the dad.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- What are you thinking about? - The car.
Hot rod? A 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Skyliner.
It was two-tone, deep emerald green and ivory.
Why are you thinking about that? Uh That was the That was the car that Dad and my brothers, we used to goof around with on Saturdays.
And, God, it was It was a hardtop convertible.
Those are tough to get.
You can't find them.
Boy, that was a great car.
You know, and then, you know, he died.
Uncle Harry took the car and he sold it.
We never seen it again.
And that was the best thing I ever remember about my dad.
Honey, isn't that the perfect reason for you to sign a will? Well, that would be the perfect reason.
Then why don't you sign it? Dad was, uh only three years older than I am now when he died.
And he had all boys and I have all boys.
And he, you know, he built a Ford in the garage and I got a Ford in the garage, and I don't want my kids growing up without their dad, and I kinda figure that if I sign that will it means I'm gonna die.
But you know that's not true.
Besides there's there's one big difference between you and your father.
What's that? His car worked.
- I miss my dad an awful lot, honey.
- I know, I know.
- Wanna go upstairs and go to bed? - All right.
Gonna be awful tired tomorrow.
- Can you carry Mark up? - Sure.
Oh, like that's believable - a steak knife that could cut through a tree trunk.
What kinds of idiots call up these shows in the middle of the night and order this junk? Huh! It takes all kinds, honey.
Mom? Will you give my will to the lawyer? You made a will? That is so responsible of you.
Let's see.
"I give my piggy bank, my Rollerblades and all my toys to Mom.
" "Except my G.
Joe that Brad pulled the head off.
" "I leave that to Randy 'cause I think he knows where the head is.
" Maybe we can take care of that while you're still alive.
- He gave everything to you? - Yep.
Just like you.
You know, honey, I've been thinking.
If I die first, I want you to remarry.
- Would you? - You just said I could.
Yeah, I know, but would you? Uh, are you sure you're dead? Yeah.
- How long? - Years.
OK, I'd remarry.
What kind of woman would it be? Well, I guess I'd look for a woman that was alive.
That would make it easier to get the blood test.
Maybe I'd Well, I'd want someone who's a good mom, sensitive and caring, good sense of humor, and loving.
You know, because I'd like my second marriage to be a lot better than this one.
I'll haunt you.
The Binford 8200.
Huh? 42-inch pro bar, silicone pistons.
Huh? Steel something or other.
and should not be should not be used without
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