Home Improvement s02e10 Episode Script

Let's Did Lunch

Remember to make the final strokes with just the tip of your brush.
That way, you'll end up with a beautiful finish, just like on this American walnut cabinet.
Tim, it's not American walnut.
It's English walnut.
Wrong, Al.
That's American walnut.
I don't think so, Tim.
Pardon me.
English walnut.
American bearded nut.
I've trained myself to distinguish wood not only by sight and feel, but also by smell.
And smelling wood must come real handy at parties, huh? As a matter of fact, Tim, it does.
If you're a beaver.
If you were lost in the forest in the middle of the night, you'd be grateful for this talent because you could sniff your way back to safety.
Or you could buy a cellular phone.
What's with you, anyway? Well, Tim, all I can say is, if push came to shove, I believe I could identify wood blindfolded.
Well, maybe the audience would like to see a little demonstration of Al's wood-sniffing skills? Huh? OK, then.
On the next Tool Time.
we'll put Al "Nostrils" Borland to the test.
For now, the Tool Time tip of the day: don't inhale the varnish and definitely don't drink it.
It would be a sad end, but a beautiful finish.
See you next time.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? This is perfect.
This is how we can get the McGurns.
The McGurn boys are poopheads.
What happened to you? They got mad that you threw mud balls at 'em so they made me into Mudman.
Don't worry.
We're gonna get 'em back good.
- Look at this.
- What is it? It's a catapult.
Look at the picture.
In Middle Ages, when you wanted to storm an enemy's castle, you'd get a dead and diseased horse and fling it over the castle walls.
You don't have a dead horse.
Maybe we could get Mrs.
Bauscher's dog.
- He's not dead.
- Well, almost.
We just need something that stinks.
I don't stink.
We could build one of those things and fling it into the back of McGurns' yard.
All right.
Oh, no.
What are you doing now? I souped up the weed whacker, baby.
I thought you bought that one 'cause it was the most powerful one in the store.
Now it's the most powerful one on the planet.
I put a little miniturbo in here.
I think I can get this two-cycle motor up to - Excuse me, Mr.
- Huh? - There are no weeds in November.
- I know that.
I'm just going to do a little trial spin before I put it to sleep for winter.
Dave and Karen.
Happy couple.
- Hey, sweetie.
- You want some coffee? - Yes.
- Where's Tim? Oh, he's outside trying some new weed whacker thing.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ha-ha-ha.
Whoo! That's whacking some weeds.
Dave! - Hey, Tim.
- How you doin', buddy? - Nice slacks.
- Karen.
- Nice legs, Chicken Little.
- Thanks, Mouth Big.
- What are you guys doing over here? - We're going to the opera tonight.
Aah! Jill, I need to borrow your opera glasses.
- OK.
Which one are you going to see? - La Boheme - La Boheme? - Yeah.
La Boheme The Bohemian.
It's a very romantic opera, but they're a very romantic couple, just as I knew they would be when I first set them up.
Hey, Tim.
Why don't you guys come and join us tonight, huh? Dandy idea, Dave.
But I'm married now.
You only have to go through that opera hell when you're dating.
- OK.
- Goes both ways, Kar-Kar.
You dated.
You pretend you like football don't you? Just so happens that I really like football.
Just last weekend we curled up on the couch and watched a whole game.
Really? Who played? Don't say anything.
Who played the game? It was that team that has the animal name.
And they were playing opposite that team with the quarterback with the really long hair and the high cheek bones.
- Maraschino.
- Marino.
- Very hunky guy.
- Very hunky.
Of course, you know what I like about football? - What's that? - The butts.
Then they get in that circle, you know, and cuddle.
They huddle in the circle.
Why don't you come and show me this new weed whacker, all right? What is this? Never seen a professional football before? Needs air.
Listen, Tim.
I need a favor from you.
Name it, buddy.
- You and I had lunch together yesterday.
- I was at the project house all day.
I know you were, but if Karen asks, you and I had lunch together.
- It's a tiny favor, Tim.
- It's not a tiny favor.
This is a major favor.
Come on.
Karen's Jill's best friend.
- I don't think I should know about this.
- All right, all right, all right.
- I'm seeing someone else.
- I don't want to hear about this.
- She's very nice.
- I don't want to know her.
- She's tall.
She's blonde.
- Cut it out.
Come on, Dave, Dave, Dave.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I mean, I've only been dating Karen for a month.
She'll think it's a big deal.
She's single and over 35.
Do you know what a month is in ovarian years? Dave.
We gotta get going.
We don't want to be late for that opera.
Be right there, honey.
Tim, you gotta help me out.
I don't want to hurt Karen.
Then stop dating tall blondes.
Look, I gotta be honest with you.
I already told her that I had lunch with you yesterday, so it may come up.
What? Boxing Cat Grill.
Ham and cheese on rye.
Extra mustard.
Dave, Dave.
Come here.
Dave! - Wilson? - Hi-di-ho, neighbor.
What? Are you over there eavesdropping, huh? Oh, heavens, no.
Just giving myself a little haircut.
You know, Wilson.
I was thinking about friends today.
You mean old two-timer Dave? - I thought you said you weren't listening.
- No, no, no, no.
Just a few juicy tidbits did waft over the fence.
He's put me in a real awkward position.
Well, are you referring to the ham and cheese, the opera, or the tall blonde? A few juicy tidbits, Wilson? Sounds like you ended up with the whole tid.
Well, you heard the whole situation.
What do you do? Defend your buddy or hurt Karen with the truth? Well, Tim.
I'm reminded of what Aristotle said about Plato.
"Keep the lid on tight otherwise it'll all dry out.
" That's what I tell Mark.
No, no, no.
No, Tim.
Not Play-Doh.
The philosopher.
Oh, yeah.
Very introspective guy.
Wore the tunics.
Very nice guy.
I understand.
Aristotle said, "Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth.
" "Piety requires us to honor truth above our friends.
" Yeah, of course.
So if it comes up, I should tell the truth.
Well, Tim.
There's no easy answers.
It's the age-old dilemma.
The high road or the low road.
The lady or the tiger.
Door number one, door number two.
Firing squad, electric chair.
It's all the same to me.
Tim, you should say goodbye.
They're going.
- Bye, you guys.
- Yeah.
We have to pick up Dave's suit.
He didn't get a chance to get it yesterday, 'cause you two guys got together for lunch.
Yeah, right.
Let's go, honey.
So, Tim.
Did you like the Boxing Cat Grill? It's one of our favorite places.
- Yeah.
- Did you try the pea soup? No.
Ham and cheese on rye.
Well, it was fun.
Thanks again for lunch, Tim.
Hey, Dave.
Come to think of it.
Remember who paid the bill? I think you owe me 20 bucks, don't you? Oh-ho.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- Thanks a lot, you guys.
- See you later.
- You're welcome.
- Bye-bye.
Have fun at the opera.
Like that's humanly possible.
- I'm gonna go change out of these pants.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Not so fast.
You didn't have lunch with Dave yesterday.
Yeah, I did.
He just covered his check.
You told me that you were at the project house all day long.
Yeah, but Except for the part where I had lunch with Dave.
But Dave works downtown.
That's, like, 20 miles away.
That's why we met halfway at the Boxing Cat Grill.
What happened to the lunch that I packed for you? I took that with me.
To the restaurant? We couldn't get in, so we had to eat in the car.
- Then why did he give you the 20? - I sold him my sandwich.
There is something fishy going on here.
Either you did something wrong or Dave did.
Those are my only options? Is he seeing somebody else? Don't lie to me.
- Don't lie to you.
- Look at me.
Look me in the eye and tell me that he isn't seeing someone else.
- Define "seeing.
" - Oh, no.
I've got to call her now.
Don't call her.
This is none of your business.
Jill, hang the phone up.
Karen is my best friend.
I mean, I set the two of them up.
I'm responsible.
I've got to tell her that jerk is fooling around on her.
- We don't know if that's true.
- Is it? No.
I know you.
You're covering for Dave.
When you say no, you really mean yes, don't you? - No.
- See.
- So two noes make a yes? - Yeah.
- Does that yes mean no? - No.
What? I gotta call her, or leave a message on her machine.
- Stay out of this, please.
Stay out of this.
- What? - Stay out of this.
- OK.
I will stay out of this if you call Dave and tell him that he's gotta come clean with Karen.
Got a better idea.
Let's split the 20.
Tim! All right.
All right.
Take the whole thing.
You gotta call him.
Jill, you don't understand.
I can't call him and talk to him about this.
Men do not call each other and talk about relationships.
Well, they talk about sex.
So? That has nothing to do with relationships.
Except in ours.
Until now.
What do I owe you for this? Hey.
For the way you covered for me with Karen yesterday, that's on me.
Let's talk about yesterday for a minute.
Keep the 20.
It was a good touch.
You really put me on the spot, Dave.
I know.
I'm sorry, man.
Hey, but you handled it great.
Karen did not suspect a thing.
Let me tell you something about Karen and I.
Hi, honey.
Look who's here.
- Hey, Jill.
How are you doing? - Fine.
Dave brought the right distributor, so now maybe we can time this thing correctly.
Timing's everything.
Isn't it, Dave? You guys want me to make you some sandwiches? Ham and cheese, perhaps? That'd be great.
And get some coffee for us too.
I'll make the coffee, though.
I'll do it.
- She knows? - No.
- You told her.
- No, I didn't.
- And she's told Karen already.
Hasn't she? - I told her not to tell Karen.
Now, is Jill going to act weird every time I see her? I don't think you'll be seeing her that much.
- That's a joke, Dave.
- Why did you tell her, Tim? She's my wife.
I have a hard time lying to her.
She made me look her in the eye.
Now I have to tell Karen because if I don't, Jill will.
- Probably.
- You have sunk me with Karen.
No, Dave.
You sunk yourself with Karen.
You torpedoed this whole thing and you tried to drag me into it.
- Don't get all mad at me over this.
- Thanks for the lecture, Tim.
Oh, come on, Dave.
One more question.
Is this the high-pull model with the dual points on there? Come on, Dave.
Dave, lighten up.
All right.
- No luck? - I cannot find a distributor anywhere.
Of course, Dave's got the one I want, but he hates me now, so I won't be getting that one.
- That's what I get for being honest.
- You did the right thing, honey.
Try to remember that when you're pushing my hot rod up I-75.
"Honey, we got to pass this truck.
" "I'm pushing as hard as I can.
" Hello.
Hi, Dave.
She did, yeah.
What? That's amazing.
Not amazing.
I'm not happy about it, but No hard feelings.
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
Before you go.
Could I have that distributor back? 'Cause I Dave? - Well? What happened? - Karen dumped Dave.
- Well, sure.
After the blonde.
- No, no, no, no, no.
He didn't even tell her about the blonde.
She just said she didn't want to see him anymore.
Really? Good for her.
Well, I guess her instincts were right.
Instincts? Yeah, well, she mentioned that there were some problems.
You know, Dave wasn't really there for her.
Wasn't there for her? He went to the opera with her.
- How much more "there" can a guy be? - Not that kind of "there.
" You know, emotionally present.
They weren't connecting.
She was thinking about breaking up with him last week.
Wait a minute.
You knew she was going to break up with him? - No.
I knew that she was thinking about it.
- Why didn't you tell me that? Well, because I didn't know she was going to do it for sure.
Besides, I promised her I wouldn't.
Well, I promised Dave I wouldn't tell you about the blonde.
Well, it's not my fault that you can't keep a secret.
I can keep a secret.
Well, this wasn't the kind of secret that you're supposed to keep.
Hold it a minute.
Back the truck up.
There's some secrets that you're supposed to keep, and other secrets you're not supposed to keep? - Yeah.
- Is there a book on this somewhere? Tell you what.
If somebody tells you a secret and you're not sure what kind it is, tell it to me and then I'll tell you whether you should keep it or not.
If you remember the last show, we were promised a wood-sniffing demonstration by our own Al "Dare to be Dull" Borland.
- Blindfold in place, Al? - Yes, it is, Tim.
Step into position there.
- Ready? - Yes.
Just checking if you're breathing, Al.
That's all I'm doing.
As you can see, I've got our three samples of wood laid out on the work bench.
I will hand him them now, one at a time, and he claims he can tell us what type of wood it is just by smelling it.
We shall see.
Al Borland, name that wood.
Tim, that's hickory.
Can you believe it, ladies? This man's single.
Second sample.
Al Borland, name that wood.
- Cedar.
- Ha! Wait.
Western red cedar.
- You almost messed that one up, Al.
- Well, I'm fighting off a cold, Tim.
Well, this next sample should be a little bit more difficult to discern, Al.
Might have to take a big old whiff of this thing to figure out what it is.
Well, I'm up to the challenge, Tim.
I certainly hope so, Al.
Al Borland, name that wood.
Ohh! Well, it's a hardwood from the Pacific Northwest.
And ugh.
Well, it's This particular piece seems to have some type of a fungus.
Well, uh Uh Let me try this again.
- Paagh! - Ohh! - Here comes Mom.
- Come on, cover up the catapult.
What's all this noise out here? We were just trying to build a fort.
Did your dad tell you you could do this? Yeah.
It was his idea.
Clean it up before you come in.
- No problem.
- OK.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I was thinking about Karen and Dave.
- Aw, not that again.
On the way home tonight, driving the car, I started to thinking You owe me an apology.
- Get outta here.
- No.
I was more honest about Dave than you were about Karen.
- So you apologize.
- Apologize.
Forget it.
We're always supposed to apologize when we do something wrong.
So say you're sorry.
Will that make you feel better? - Yes.
- OK.
I'm sorry.
Is that it? "OK.
I'm sorry.
" I'm very, very sorry.
That's pathetic.
You'd never let me get away with an apology like that.
- OK.
- Now what? - Tim.
- Oh, Jeez.
I wronged you terribly.
I'm not fit to carry the name Taylor.
From henceforward on, I shall be known only as "Jill, the wrong one.
" Please, please, please, please forgive me.
Hey, what are you doin'? Say it like you mean it.
No, because I was not wrong.
- At least 'pologize for your lousy accent.
- Yours was worse.
- Was not.
- Was too.
- Was not.
- Was too.
All right.
- Now I must spray you into submission.
- Don't even think about it.
It's diet, honey.
- The McGurn boys are in their backyard.
- OK.
Brad, hurry up.
- All ready.
- OK.
Everybody just stand clear.
Hey, McGurns.
Yeah? Eat garbage.
Oh! Garbage! You're in big trouble.
- Just say you're sorry.
- No.
- Just say you're sorry one time.
- No.
- Hey.
What's this? - I don't know.
They said you knew about it.
It's so mediaeval looking.
You can run, but you can't hide.
I know where you live.
Hey! Taylors! - What do you want? - Eat this.
- Does that yes mean no? - No.
What? - I better call her.
I'll just leave a message.
- Come on.
Stay out of this.
Stay out of this.
- Don't lie to me.
- Don't lie to you.
Look me in the eye
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