Home Improvement s02e11 Episode Script

Abandoned Family

When hanging a light fixture or heavy mirror, what's the first thing we need to do, Al? Find a stud, Tim.
And I think we've come to the right place, haven't we? Al, do you recognize this? Your razor, Tim? No, actually, it's your razor, Al.
I picked it up backstage.
An electric razor can double as a stud finder.
No stud there.
Actually, Al's electric razor can be a stud finder.
If you listen, the sound of it changes the closer it gets to a stud.
My mother gave me that razor, Tim.
Why? Did she go back to blades? This razor can not only keep Al's mother whisker-free, it's a handy way to find studs around the house.
Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint.
I'm going to show the audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set.
Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket.
You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries.
- A wonderful snack for TV time - Tim.
Tim! I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance.
Please do not mock my potato.
You say, "potato," I say, "stupid.
" Tim, this'll work.
You twist, and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket.
But first, you must Jam it in the light.
unplug the lamp.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Well, congratulations.
You're now the Ping-Pong champion in the Taylor house.
- You let me win.
- I didn't let you win.
You got that delicate high slow lob.
I lose concentration before it hits the table.
It's brilliant.
- Where are all the mugs? - In the sink with the dirty dishes.
I want a cup of coffee.
Why don't you just wash one? Mark, a man never loads a dishwasher till the sink is completely filled.
And besides, I just want some coffee, and all I need there is something with a handle.
And I think the moo-cow creamer's gonna work.
That's good.
That's good.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.
Great news.
Preston - you know, the features editor - loved the research that I did on the weekend-getaway story.
That's great.
He's gonna let me research next month's cover story.
I get to work for a whole nother week.
I am so excited.
That's great.
The cover? You've been working a month, you're doing the cover? - Yes.
- What you gonna do? Tiger Stadium moving? The new riverfront project? Compost.
You're not bringing your work home, are you? No, it's industrial compost.
Hi, sweetie.
Could be the answer to the big garbage problem.
Did you not notice the dirty dishes in the sink? - I didn't even notice those there.
- But, Dad, you said - Eat a grape.
- I'm going downstairs.
What are you doing? Enjoying a cup of coffee.
You're sucking coffee out of a cow.
That way I don't have to add milk.
You're so pathetic.
Listen, listen, I gotta get this compost research story done by Friday, so I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
You need to run this house.
Not a problem.
I would feel a lot better if you would say, "I'll do the best I can.
" You want me to say I'll do the best I can? Not a problem.
This is a list of all the things that you have to do tomorrow, see? Now, this is the dry-cleaning slip, you gotta pick that up.
Then you go to the grocery store.
Here's the list for that.
Then you gotta make the boys' lunches.
Can you put in some celery sticks, or carrot sticks? Jill, they don't eat that stuff.
They just turn into vegetable missiles in a food fight.
Honey, I'll be able to relax and work a lot better if I know that you're back here, doing everything the right way.
You mean your way? That's what I said - the right way.
Mom, we need our pants for football practice.
Oh, no.
I meant to wash those this morning.
That's OK, I'll take care of it.
I'm running things now.
- Guys, let's go wash those pants.
- Uh, Tim, you know, this is really a complicated deal here.
There's two loads, you know.
There's the dark load, that needs cold water and this darker-blue bleach, and the white load needs hot water and the white bleach.
And you can't forget to add the fabric softener.
- What time is practice? - 15 minutes.
- That load's done.
- Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
Tim, where are the boys' lunches? I only have two hands, OK? I'll load the dishwasher, then I'll make their lunches.
No, no, no.
Honey, you have to make the lunches and then load the dishwasher.
What is the difference? - There's the bus.
- That's the difference.
- Oh, no.
- Now they don't have any lunch.
Hold on, guys, I got this covered.
- I'm buying lunch today.
Here's two bucks.
- Buy something nutritious.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
Go get some carrots out of that vending machine they have.
Dad, can I have two dollars for Mark? He's outside, waiting for us.
- Make sure he gets it.
- He will.
Well, at least Mark won't spend the money on junk food.
Dad, can I have a peanut butter sandwich for my lunch today? What are you doing here? I just gave your brothers your lunch money.
Well, at least they didn't beat him up for it.
- You're gonna miss the bus.
- It's OK, honey.
Don't worry about it.
I will just give you a ride to school on my way to the compost heap.
Try not to confuse those two, hon.
Are we gonna make the gingerbread house tonight? Oh, right.
The PTA bake sale.
Um, honey, I think we may have to buy that at the bakery this year.
You said you were gonna make one with me.
I know I did.
I'm really sorry.
It's just that I'm so busy this week.
- Hey.
I'll make you a gingerbread house.
- Really? Yeah.
And not just some dinky little house.
We'll get a gingerbread full-service truck-and-auto service centre.
- Wow! - Darn right, wow.
Oh, yeah! Go get your coat.
Tim, honey, don't use the blue sponge on the counter.
Huh? The blue sponge is for the dishes.
- The green sponge is for the counter.
- What's the difference? Well, you're not supposed to use the same sponge on the counter as the dishes.
- So, the blue sponge is just for the sink.
- No, not always.
When the blue sponge gets dirty, it gets demoted from the dishes to the counter.
The green sponge gets demoted from the counter to the floor.
Then I pull a new one out from here.
It might be blue, it might be yellow.
Tim, are you gonna be able to handle all the - I'll be able to handle it.
- If you can't, I could just Look, let me do this my way, OK? You know, Jill, I think it's just about time you saw how effective my way can be.
Mark, shall we show her what's in the garage? - Why? - Dad fixed the washer.
Oh, no.
What did you do to my washing machine? Why is it on life support? - I improved it.
- Unimprove it.
- Come on, honey.
- It has lights? Just for effect, OK? I have revolutionized the laundry-care system.
Now, stay with me on this, OK? You're watching TV, watching a little football game out there - I don't like football.
- All right, all right.
You're watching the opera, and it's 30 to go, all right? You hear the buzzer.
Beep! Time to add the fabric softener.
You go, "Oh.
" You don't wanna leave.
You'll miss that fat broad with the horns and the high notes, spiking the ball, right? You see what I've got here? Bleach, detergent, fabric softener.
On timers and tubes.
This adds it by itself, on a time cycle.
It's about ready to go, right about I can't believe it.
It worked.
It actually worked.
As you see, honey, I've got things under control.
- So have a nice day.
- It actually worked! Have a nice day, honey.
And don't sound so shocked.
Mark, Mark! This morning I improved the washer, this afternoon, I improve the dryer.
- How? - Oh-ho-ho-ho See this? Binford's 20-amp high-density electric motor.
Once I attach that to the dryer, it'll spin so fast You know those cowboys on your p.
's? They'll be throwing up in their saddlebags.
- Wow.
- Arr-arr-arr-arr! I just think that we have done sheet rock to death.
"Sheet rock to death.
" Doesn't sound like you talking, Al.
That sounds like Maureen Binford.
Well, she is the producer.
And I don't think she wants to do a show on sheet rock.
I don't give a sheet rock what she wants to do.
It's my People, people.
Let's gather.
Maureen, there's only two of us out here.
I think we're gathered.
OK Let's confab about tomorrow's show.
All set.
Tomorrow we're gonna do sheet rock installation.
Oh, Tim.
We've done sheet rock to death.
- I was just telling Tim that - Shut up, Al.
What do you want? To electrocute me in a lamp again with a potato? No, silly.
We already did that.
But I do think we should devote the show to more clever household hints.
I'm thinking "The Bachelor Corner, with Al.
" Al? Yeah, you know How to get spots out with club soda Oh, yeah.
Or using vinegar and water to clean windows.
That's a good one, yes.
Or how to iron with wax paper.
This is a man's show.
We give man advice.
How to pull a nail out of your foot.
What to do with a severed finger.
Men don't wanna know about ironing.
Well, Tim, a lot of men are single.
Yes, they are.
And wax paper between the folds when you're ironing really does give you a nice pleat.
Thank you, Al.
I'll remember that next time we do cross-dressing day.
OK, well, I get the feeling we're simpatico.
Yes, no, maybe? We'll do the sheet rock installation.
No, we won't, Tim.
Need I remind you? Producer! Annoying! - He is such a card.
- Yes, he is.
And he needs to be dealt with.
Are you two through? Ooh, I almost forgot.
Jill called.
She needs you to pick up Randy.
She said something about being up to her ears in compost.
Oh! I never see that.
Now I gotta pick up Randy.
Jill was supposed to pick up Randy.
I'm doing a lot more than my share around the house these days.
Well, Tim marriage is all about compromise.
Give and take.
Understanding each other and sharing.
That was beautiful, Al.
Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"? I was just I was just trying to help.
I don't need help on my marriage from a guy who hasn't been married.
You think I don't know what it feels like to be married to you? Huh? Sharing a workbench for three long years, and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy.
And don't think that I haven't noticed that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end.
These are just some of the things I have to take home with me every night.
I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner.
" We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner.
" - I really appreciate this, Wilson.
- My pleasure, good neighbor.
Always happy to help out with a molasses emergency.
Jill's working some extra hours, I didn't have a chance to get to the store.
So you're running the house tonight, huh? I'm trying to, but she's not making it any easier.
She just can't stand to let me do things the way I want to do them, all right? Because she just won't deal with the fact that my ways may be different, but they get the job done.
Well, Tim, sometimes it's hard for people to accept new ideas.
Well, not me.
Thank you.
Well, you're a very special man, quite like Galileo.
Had his wine.
No, no, no, Tim.
I'm talking about the 17th-century Italian astronomer.
He was ridiculed for teaching that the earth revolves around the sun.
And he believed that? Tim, the earth does revolve around the sun.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, yeah, it does.
It's just we're spinning so we don't notice it.
- There you go, good neighbor.
- What happened to him? Well, he was threatened with torture and forced to confess that he was wrong.
That's what Jill would like to do to me.
But I'm not confessing anything 'cause I'm not doing anything wrong.
- Tim, that's not the point of the story.
- I don't care.
I'm gonna keep doing things my way because we're getting things done.
- Thanks a lot, Wilson.
- Tim.
Tim? Can we talk about compromise? What is the paint pan for? Well, I wanna make sure that the walls of the truck-and-auto service centre are big enough to handle the big rigs.
- Mom never uses paint pans.
- Do I look like Mom? On occasion.
- Is the paint pan clean? - Course it's clean.
I scrubbed it out with turpentine.
- Dad, that's never gonna fit in the oven.
- It'll fit right in the oven.
I already Just tip it a little bit and it goes right in there.
Mom's gonna freak when she sees the mess you're making.
Don't worry about it.
This is a self-cleaning oven.
Dad, these walls won't stay up.
Would you guys cowork with me on this? That's why I got the caulking compound over here.
You can't use caulk, you have to be able to eat it.
So? We don't have to worry about that.
We're just selling it.
Somebody else is eating it.
Maybe caulk would be a last resort.
Let's try to make the icing work.
Go out to the garage.
Get me some "C" clamps and duct tape.
You wrecked it.
You wrecked it! That's what you get fiddling around with the thing now.
- It was an accident.
- You did it on purpose.
- Get off me, you little flea.
- Come on, get up.
Let him up.
Dad, I can't find the "C" clamps.
Whoa, something's burning.
- Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! - Get off me! - Are you OK? - Yeah.
"C" clamps - Help! - What's going on in here? - Hey, hey, hey! Get off of him right now.
- He started it.
- He wrecked my gingerbread house.
- Did not.
- Boys, just go upstairs.
- Come on, Mom.
Now! Boy, you're home early.
- What is happening here? - Oh, I spilled a little batter.
The oven was too hot, I think, when I put it in there.
- You used a paint pan? - Yeah.
Trying to make those walls big enough for the big rig to get in.
Don't explain.
Don't explain.
We'll just scrape it out.
Maybe we can save some of the batter.
- Good, that's it, we'll save - Where's my old spatula? - It's right over here.
- It doesn't go over here, it goes over here.
Well, not when I'm doing the cooking.
That's where it goes.
When you're home doing the cooking you put it where you want it.
When I'm home? - Is that what all this is about? - What? So finally it comes out.
- You don't want me to work.
- Because I moved the spatula? - You resent the fact that I am working.
- I do not.
Then why don't you do one thing the way that I ask you to do it? One?! I've done everything on your stupid little list over here.
You screwed up everything on my stupid little list over there.
- I haven't screwed up everything.
- Name one thing you didn't screw up.
Well? Laundry? Dad! The dryer's going crazy! Hold on a minute, I'll handle this.
You just - Wow! This is great.
- Come on, get off of there, Randy.
- Get him off! - Unplug it over there.
- You do it.
- Honey, it's just 220.
Be careful.
Aargh! Here, just stop the thing.
- Stop it.
- All right.
All right.
I got it.
- OK, look.
I'll get this rubber glove.
- All right.
All right.
- All right, I'm going - Please, honey - All right, all right.
- Honey, honey I got it! Wow! Cool! I have friends who'd pay good money to ride this.
- Out.
- Oh, man.
Everybody gets to make money except for me.
Look there, everything's all dry.
Maybe this is just a sign that I'm not supposed to be working.
- What do you mean by that? - Well, we're fighting about spatulas, you're riding the dryer - I don't know that it's worth it.
- But you wanna work.
Yeah, I wanna work, Tim.
But I also don't want the house to fall apart.
I see.
It's always like that.
I ride one appliance in the garage, and you get all bent out of shape.
The house isn't gonna fall apart if you're not here and I'm here.
And, don't take this wrong, but you don't have to work.
I want to work.
We got three kids we gotta get through college.
- Or a good trade school.
- I like working.
You know, and I'm good at it.
I think that I could move up.
I might even be an editor.
But the whole time that I'm working I worry about what's going on at the house.
And when I'm at the house, I worry about work.
I just wish there were two of me.
Can I sleep in the middle? Morning, Jill.
Hello there, Jill.
If you don't wanna talk about it, then I'm just gonna figure it out by myself.
And that, my dear, is the problem.
You wanna do everything by yourself.
There are two people.
The other person here is me.
And you gotta learn how to let me do some of the stuff the way I wanna do it.
Like giving the boys lunch money? Burning down the kitchen? - Riding the thing around the garage? - Hold on.
Back the truck up.
Some of the things went well today, you know.
Tim, look around you.
You practically wrecked the house.
I'll have you know I wrecked this house long before you ever got a job.
And I'll be wrecking this house long after you got a job.
And the kids were dressed, they had their breakfast, they got to school, they had their lunch and they came home and they were safe.
So maybe my way wasn't that dangerous after all, and some of the things did work, didn't they? - Well, that washing machine - What about the washing machine? - That was pretty cool.
- You liked that, huh? Yeah.
So, if this is gonna work, then I'm gonna have to let go of some things.
And make sure that the smoke detector is working.
- We gotta put a battery in that thing.
- I think so.
And if you're gonna come home early, give me a phone call first.
Yeah, right.
All right, well, as long as we're both here together, why don't you help me clean up? Honey, I think this is the first time that I'm going to let go of something.
Whoa! That icing is really bad.
- That's 'cause it's not icing.
- Huh? It's polyvinyl acetate caulking compound.
You just weatherproofed your tongue, honey.
I'll sue! No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got a piece of artwork here.
It's crooked.
I designed it this way.
This is a gingerbread truck-and-auto service centre, after a major earthquake.
Do you actually think anybody's gonna buy this? Yes, I actually think somebody's going to buy this.
Tim, you can't charge $156.
Why? That's what it cost.
Boys, put on your coats and mittens and stuff.
Mark, are you ready? Has anybody seen my good blue sweater? I did, it's in the - What? - I don't know.
- Brad? - Gee, I don't know.
I'm ready.
Mark, have you seen my good blue sweater? It's in the dryer.
Thanks, bigmouth.
Oh! Honey, are you OK? What is this? Boys, put on your coats and mittens and stuff.
Randy? I mean What is your name? It's Randy, Mom.
Well, you are a very special man, quite like Galileo.
I love his wine.
No, no.
No, Tim.
No, no, no.
No, I'm talking about the 17th century Italian astronomer.
He was a very fat man.

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